


Fighting in the Falls

by Loser_With_Fedora



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: 'Cause we've got time travel, 'cause tags with spoilers need to die in a fire, Alternate Universe- Fight Falls, Angst, Better get yourself an Asprin, Blood, But also retells the main story, But it's not intense, But not too much I swear, Fight Falls!Dipper, Fight Falls!Mabel, Fighting, I hate temporal mechanics, I'm new at this, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Some things won't be tagged, Story continues post-Weirdmageddon, Tags confuse me, for now anyway, i think, the writer is a filthy memer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-08 17:24:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 195,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14110338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_With_Fedora/pseuds/Loser_With_Fedora
Summary: Dipper and Mabel have had it tough. But as they say, "When life gives you lemons, beat the lemons to a pulp". Follow this re-imagining of Gravity Falls, where Dipper and Mabel are a dynamic duo of butt-kickers, determined to uncover the secrets of both Gravity Falls, and social interaction.Or: I found a really cool AU that I felt didn't have enough notoriety, and here we are.Credit to the Fight Falls AU goes to Buryooooo on DeviantArt. https://buryooooo.deviantart.com/





	1. Prologue

“-can’t believe you two!”

All was not peaceful in the Pines family car. A woman ranted at the two children in the back seat, one boy and one girl. The man driving seemed irked, but whether it was at the children or the woman was tough to tell, even for him.

“You know, most parents never get called to the principal's office,” the woman. “Most kids don’t get in that much trouble. But no! You two weren’t happy just being called in once, or twice, or even three times! Five times! In one week! I’m amazed you only got suspended after the crap you both pulled!”

“Hey,” the man said, trying for a diffusing tone, “if nothing else, you gotta admire their creativity. I never would’ve thought to use a milk carton like that.”

“ _Stop encouraging them!_ ” the woman shrieked.

“Geez, I’m just trying to lighten the mood,” the man responded.

“Well I’m glad you can be so nonchalant about all the medical bills we’re going to have to pay!” the woman retorted. “After all, we’re just made of money, aren’t we?”

“Well maybe if you got a real job like me, we might have some more cash,” the man grumbled back.

“Screenwriting is a real job!” the woman hissed. “One that pays well-”

“Unless it’s a dry season,” the man said mockingly, cutting off her usual line. “I’ll start caring about that excuse when we can cash it in at the bank.”

The children looked at each other, their conflicting feelings evident on their faces. When their parents fought it always got nasty real quick, and could last for hours. Their shouting matches were lasting longer recently, and now they didn’t always wait until they were home to start. But, if nothing else, at least their parents’ rage was directed at each other and not the kids.

The girl shot her brother a sad smile, her meaning clear. Despite the colliding train wrecks that were their parents, at least the twins had each other.

When the car arrived at the family of four’s suburban home, they all got out, the parents still arguing. The twins quickly darted up to their rooms quickly closing themselves in as their parents’ fight began escalating. Even from behind their doors and the floor below, their parents’ shouting could be heard. The wooden barriers muffled the noise so that neither child could make out the actual words, but the meaning was clear. Rather than risk leaving their rooms and subsequently getting dragged into the arguing below (the doors and floor were so creaky stealth was basically impossible), they called each other up on their cell phones.

“Hey Bro-bro,” the sister greeted.

“You doing okay, Mabel?” the brother asked, concern not often shown creeping into his voice.

“Okay as ever,” Mabel answered, cringing at the increasing volume from downstairs. “... Do you think we were too hard on those guys at school, Dipper?”

Dipper frowned. “They got what they had coming.”

Dipper and Mabel Pines had a bit of a reputation at their middle school. They were the troublemakers, the “ruffians” a teacher had called them once. They had gotten into several fights in elementary school, but had mostly stayed out of trouble the past few years. They both worked harder to keep their grades up so the teachers wouldn’t have a problem with them. Dipper even channeled his energy and aggressiveness into something positive, becoming the star of his middle school’s track team (the only sport where he COULDN’T start a fight), and Mabel was the best all around player on the school's baseball team. Problem was, the stigma of being the school delinquents stayed with the twins, and neither could really make many friends because of it.

This didn’t really bother Dipper all that much, what with his massive social anxiety and all, but Mabel hated it. The female twin was very much an extrovert, and craved social interaction. Unfortunately, all the girls at school either thought she was weird, were scared of her, or both. It didn’t help that she was starting to go through her “boy crazy phase” as Dipper liked to call it, but every boy at school was intimidated by her. As such, the twins were outcasts, social pariahs. The only meaningful interactions they had were with each other. This meant they were as thick as thieves, always together.

So naturally some idiot decided to start messing with them.

That was how the week started it’s downhill spiral. On Monday, some tough guy on the football team decided it would make him look cool if he screwed with the scary kids everyone was afraid of. Dipper and Mabel managed to keep their cool, but verbally tore into the guy, humiliating him in front of the entire cafeteria. That got them in trouble for some very inappropriate mentionings of certain parts of the jock’s body and how inadequate those parts were.

On Tuesday the guy returned with a few other members of the football team, and tried again. This resulted in a repeat of the prior day, but since Dipper figured this might happen, the twins had prep time to ready their best material. Suffice it to say, if Monday got them in trouble, Tuesday was a whole other level.

Wednesday was dodge ball day in gym. And since the jerks apparently stole all their bullying plans from crappy Disney Channel shows, they figured that the game would be the perfect chance to get back at the twins. Suffice it to say, things didn’t go as planned, and the gang of jocks each ended up nursing black eyes by the end of the day (all the left eyes, because sniping doesn’t count if you don’t call the shot). Principal’s office again.

Thursday was back to the cafeteria, where the bullies tried threatening them. Dipper proceeded to toss his mashed potatoes in the lead guy’s face. A food fight soon erupted afterward, and the twins were left to clean it up.

By Friday it was apparent that these guys were exceedingly stupid, as they came back to try again. Dipper and Mabel were about to tell them off, when the lead guy made a crack about how much time they spent together. “Same table, same classes, same house, _same bed_.” That caused Dipper to finally snap. He quickly drove his fist into the jerkwad’s face, Mabel springing in to back up her bro almost instantly. The ensuing curbstomp was legendary, brutal, and more than enough to get them suspended.

“They had every opportunity to grow up and stop,” Dipper said. “They didn’t, so we let ‘em have it.”

Mabel winced at the increasingly loud shouting from their parents. “I know, but-”

“They would’ve found another reason to scream their heads off at each other,” Dipper interrupted, already knowing where his sister was going. “It’s not our fault they can’t talk for two minutes without yelling.”

Mabel sighed. “... Yeah.”

A silence pervaded the two, their parents fighting a backdrop of white noise. Dipper swallowed uncomfortably, not really sure what to say. He’d never been very good at conversations, but he felt he needed to say something for Mabel’s sake.

“Dipper?” Mabel spoke softly, grabbing her brother’s attention.

“Yeah sis?”

Mabel’s answer was stalled by a sudden crash coming from downstairs. Both their parents were still screaming at the top of their lungs, and a few more shattering sounds could be heard. Probably the china, Dipper noted to himself. Their mother had recently begun taking her rage out on the set given to them by their father’s parents.

“... What’s going to happen to us?”

Dipper gripped the white sleeve of his letterman jacket with his unoccupied hand. “I… I don’t know…”

Shortly after, the two hung up and went to bed, the constant sound of their parents’ fighting coloring their dreams with darkened shades.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Dipper was gently eased back into the world of consciousness by the chirping of birds and the shine of the mid-morning sun. Despite the peaceful awakening, he groaned at being brought out of his haze. As unpleasant as his dreams tended to be, there was always the chance of them shifting into something better. No such luck in the real world.

He checked the time. Alarm clock said 10:23, and it was a Saturday. His dad would already be gone, as working on Saturdays were a fairly common occurrence for him. He always said it was to get more money for them, but Dipper figured after nights like the last it was to get away from his wife. And there was no way Dipper’s mom would be up this early when she was off work, so the house was probably safe to go through now.

Dipper rose from his bed and grabbed his letterman jacket, putting it on over his sleeping clothes as he went downstairs. Yeah, he didn’t NEED it, especially this close to summer, but he liked wearing it. Mabel would often joke about it being like a second skin with how much he wore it, and she wasn’t exactly wrong. It made him feel… better. He didn’t really know how to describe it. Maybe “reassured” was the right word? It was proof to him that he could be more than the hot-headed kid that got into fights a lot. Yeah, it was a little bit big on him, but it wasn’t really noticeable, and he knew he’d fill it out properly in a year or two.

‘ _I should really get some patches for this thing,_ ’ Dipper thought as he reached the first floor. ‘ _Non-school patches. No way I want to be a walking advertisement for THAT “wonderful experience”._ ’

As Dipper made his way into the kitchen, he saw Mabel sweeping up. She looked up at him as he approached, and greeted him with a smile.

“Morning, Dippin’ Sauce!” Mabel said with a goofy salute as Dipper waved at her.

“What’re you doing?” Dipper asked as he went to fix himself some cereal.

“Oh, just sweeping up the plates Mom busted last night,” Mabel said as she got the last few shards into the dustpan. “Apparently no one cleaned up after the fight.”

“Do they ever?” Dipper asked.

Mabel got a sad look on her face, and Dipper immediately began mentally kicking himself. She was trying to make things better for their parents. Even if Dipper knew it was pointless, that something this simple wouldn’t fix anything, he didn’t want to take the hope away from Mabel that she could make a difference.

If he did, she would just end up like himself.

Mabel dumped the pieces of the china into the trash, put the broom and dustpan away, and proceeded to pour herself a bowl of cereal. She sat down next to Dipper at the kitchen table and began munching on her breakfast. The two ate in silence for a bit, before they heard the telltale creak from upstairs. Moments later their mother shuffled down the stairs, hair a mess and a robe haphazardly tossed over her shoulders. She walked into the kitchen with nary a greeting to her children and went straight for the coffee maker. As she step up the appliance she glanced to the now clean spot on the kitchen floor, confused in her morning haze.

She turned to her children and asked, “... Did you to do this?”

Wordlessly, Dipper stuck his thumb out, pointing at Mabel. The girl nodded with beaming grin on her face.

Their mother gave an acknowledging “humph” before turning back turning back to the coffee maker.

Mabel deflated at her mother’s complete lack of appreciation, or even interest, and seemed not relieved in the slightest that the mess had been taken care of for her. Dipper patted his sister on the shoulder, attempting to give some semblance of comfort.

The the twins hurriedly finished their cereal, trying to be done and gone before their mother could sit down with them. Both finished at the same time and moved to wash their dishes. After a quick rinse they deposited their bowls and spoons in the dishwasher and attempted to go to their rooms. Unfortunately…

“Hey,” their mother suddenly spoke as they made their way up the stairs, as if she just then realized they were leaving. “Where are you two going?”

“Room,” Mabel instantly replied.

“Need to study,” Dipper added quickly.

The twins smiled at each other. They didn’t have “twin telepathy”, or whatever crap people thought existed, but after spending so much time together, they practically could read each other’s mind sometimes. And it wasn’t like they were BS-ing an excuse. Their suspension was a week long, and the week following was finals week. They did need to study.

“Nice try,” their mom countered. “You both are suspended, which means you’re grounded too. You’ll have plenty of time to study this week. For now, the bathrooms need to be cleaned.”

The twins sighed, but nodded their heads. It was worth a shot, at least. They continued walking up the stairs, preparing to get the cleaning supplies, but their mom wasn’t finished yet.

“Hold on,” she said, grabbing her kids’ attention.

The two turned back and looked as their mother took a deep breath, trying to compose herself.

“So,” she started, “your father and I have some… things we need to work out. It’ll be better for everyone if we do this ourselves, so you both are going to be spending the summer away.”

Dipper and Mabel each looked surprised, with one looking a bit more hurt than the other.

“We’ve arranged for you to stay with your father’s uncle, Stanford,” their mother continued. “He lives up in Oregon, in a town called Gravity Falls. Your father and I hope you both can use this time to reflect, and maybe get your acts together. It’s a miracle the school is letting you back in time for finals, and if either of you pull something like this again you’ll be looking at expulsion, maybe criminal charges. So yeah.”

With that, she unceremoniously shooed her children away, and turned back to pouring herself some coffee.

With that hanging in the air, the twins walked upstairs, getting what they needed for chores. Dipper was mulling over what he had just heard. He was pretty sure he knew the real reason their parents wanted them out of the house for a few months, but it still kind of caught him off guard, even if he had seen it coming. And, Stanford? Dipper didn’t even know he HAD a great-uncle, and he was going to shipped off to live with the guy for three months? Dipper was too much of a realist to expect that to go well. And to top it all off- was Mabel crying?

Dipper looked and saw Mabel slumped on her knees, sniffling as wetness began to build in her eyes. His gaze softening, he knelt down next to his sister and pulled her into a side-arm hug.

“... Th-they…” Mabel sputtered out through her sobs. “... They d-don’t want us… Th-they’re s-sending us away…”

“It’s okay, Mabel,” Dipper said quietly, hugging her a bit tighter. “We’ll be okay.”

“... Th-they…” Mabel spoke sadly, “... they’re better of wi-without us…”

Dipper wished desperately that Mabel could see it was the other way around.

 

**15-0   8-11-13-15-20-25**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome one and all, to my first attempt at writing a fanfic!
> 
> (Crowds run screaming in horror)
> 
> ... Well, for those of you crazy enough to still be here, thanks for giving this fic a chance. I'll try not to let you down. So, I should probably clear up a few things just to make sure you know what you're getting into.  
> First off, THE AU THIS STORY USES IS NOT MY OWN. IT WAS CREATED BY BURYOOOOO ON DEVIANTART. SHE IS AN AMAZING ARTIST AND EVEN IF YOU BAIL ON THIS STORY YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO CHECK OUT HER WORK, THE WEB ADDRESS IS IN THE SUMMARY. DO IT, NOW!!!  
> ... Ehm. Sorry, just really wanted to emphasize that. The whole reason I even made this story was to spread around the AU a bit more, so making sure to promote Buryooooo was kinda important to me.  
> Secondly, while I will be using ideas and some scenes from Buryooooo's Fight Falls work, I also want to stress that this is still my story. I will be taking it in directions that I seriously doubt she will go with it, particularly once I make it past Weirdmageddon. Oh yeah, and there's that.  
> Thirdly, I will be going past Weirdmageddon. That's where I'm really going to be able to cut loose with my own version of this story. And because I know sitting through a recap of the entire Gravity Falls story with an AU twist would get boring pretty fast, I'll only be going over episodes that are important to the plot or have significance for certain character arcs, and I'll try changing them up enough so that they're still entertaining to read.  
> Okay, I'm pretty sure that covers all the most important stuff. I'm gonna try to do weekly updates for as long as I can, but y'know. College. In the spring. Yeah... In any case, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy this story.  
> Sincerly, a Fedora-wearing Scrublord.


	2. Welcome to Gravity Falls, The Most Normal Place On Earth!

Dipper didn’t know quite what he was expecting Gravity Falls to be like, but he was pretty sure he was disappointed anyway.

The boy had never really been one for the outdoors, and while the town wasn’t totally rural, his great uncle Stan’s (or “Grunkle” Stan, as Mabel had taken to calling him) shack was pretty far from the main town, surrounded by the forest. Oh yeah, and there was the shack itself. The twins were surprised to discover that their Grunkle Stan had turned a portion of his house into a tourist trap called the Mystery Shack. It was filled with nonsense fake exhibits and overpriced trinkets, and Dipper wondered why anyone would buy into the stuff.

That actually summed up Dipper’s views on the trip as a whole: unimpressed.  He’d been fairly apathetic to the extended visit so far. He already didn’t like dealing with other people very much, and so had mostly kept to himself. The only ones he’d interacted with were Stan and the girl who worked as the cashier in the Shack, Wendy Corduroy. So far Dipper was just bored, which granted, was still better than being back home with his parents, but that didn’t make the trip good, at least in his mind. His sister might have disagreed.

Mabel, ever the optimist, had tried making the most out of their stay in Gravity Falls in the week they’d been there, despite the less than favorable conditions behind it. She was enthusiastic about pretty much everything, from the goat in the attic/ the twins’ shared bedroom, to the seemingly endless boys she would flirt with, _to the freakin’ grass._

Actually, take a step back there. The flirting. Oh good lord, the flirting. Mabel never had a chance of getting a date back home in Piedmont thanks to her rep, so she was using the new scene of Gravity Falls to try her hand at romance. Unfortunately, thanks to having no experience, she had no idea how to flirt like a normal person. So far she’d shoved a person into one of Stan’s merch racks, tried to bond over turtles, and scared the wits out of a man with no future prospects. And this was still only week one.

‘ _Better add another to the list,_ ’ Dipper thought.

At the moment he was hanging in the gift shop portion of the Mystery Shack. There were some tourists looking through the junk, and one picked up a note laying on the ground. Mabel was hiding (poorly) behind a spinning display rack, watching the boy reaching for the note. Dipper didn’t need to be a genius to figure out where this was going. Dipper stepped next to his sister as she peered at the poor boy picking up the note.

“Uh…?” the boy spoke as he read the note. “‘Do you like me? Yes? Definitely? Absolutely?’”

“I rigged it!” Mabel whispered, apparently very proud of herself.

Dipper scoffed as he saw the boy look around confused, before crumpling the note up and dropping it as he walked out of the Shack.

“Apparently not enough,” Dipper said.

Mabel gave him a unamused look and sharply elbowed her brother in the side. “Come on, Dipper! This is our first summer away from home! It’s my big chance to have an epic summer romance!”

Dipper let out a strained breath as he pushed back the pain from Mabel’s strike. She never was very good at pulling her punches.

“Yeah…” Dipper responded, ignoring his discomfort. “I’m sure you’ll meet your soulmate in Stan’s gift shop. I think I heard one of the bobble-heads say he wanted to ask you out.”

“Mock all you want, brother,” Mabel said, placing her hands on her hips, “but I got a good feeling about this summer. I wouldn't be surprised if the man of my dreams walked through that door right now.”

And through the mentioned door immediately walked Stan, letting out a painful burp.

“Aww!” Mabel cringed. “Why?!”

Dipper snickered, patting his sister on the shoulder. “Let me know when the wedding’s gonna be.”

“All right, all right, look alive, people,” Stan announced, placing a bunch of arrow-shaped signs on the counter. “I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest.”

“Not it,” both twins said at the same time.

“Uh, also not it,” Soos, the Shack’s handyman said as he drilled in new screws for a shelf.

“Nobody asked you, Soos,” Stan said flatly.

“I know,” Soos responded, “and I’m comfortable with that.”

“Wendy,” Stan called, turning to the cashier, “I need you to put up this sign!”

“I would, but I, ugh, can’t, ugh, reach it, ugh…” Wendy answered in a bored tone, pretending to reach for the signs without even looking up from the magazine she was reading.

“I’d fire all of you if I could,” Stan stated. “All right, let’s make it... eenie, meenie, miney… you.”

Dipper looked incredulously at the finger pointed at him. “Seriously?”

Considering Stan managed to pile the signs, nails, and hammer in Dipper’s hands, then immediately shove him out of the Shack in a split second, it seemed Stan was pretty serious.

Dipper grumbled a bit as he walked out into the woods, but didn’t complain. Even if he was sick of always being the one that people shoved physical work off onto (just because he could punch outside his weight class didn’t mean he wasn’t still a twelve year old. He wasn’t Superman, darnit!), it was nice to get out of the Shack for a bit. It was especially nice to not have to see Mabel desperately trying for a date.

Dipper let out a frustrated huff as he began hammering a sign onto a tree. He knew Mabel trying to get a boyfriend shouldn’t have bothered him so much, but it did. For their whole lives it had just been the two of them against the world. They didn’t have anyone else to count on, so their bond needed to be unbreakable or they wouldn’t have been able to handle life. But now Mabel was looking for someone else. Someone else to support her in life. Someone else to have her back. Logically, Dipper knew that she wasn’t trying to replace him or anything, but that didn’t help stop him from feeling like he was being replaced.

Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt as much if Dipper actually believed he would ever find someone. Unfortunately, Dipper had the social skills of… well, of a hot-tempered kid who’s only friend he’d ever had was his twin sister. He could barely even hold a decent conversation with people, so trying to actually go on a date?

Ha, yeah right.

Dipper struck the current nail particularly hard at that thought. He couldn’t expect Mabel to just sit around with him forever. If nothing else, this summer was a good opportunity for him to try improving his social abilities. Maybe then he could stop being so dependent on Mabel.

Dipper let out a breath as he finished hanging the latest sign. He glanced down at the pile and saw that he only had one sign left. He went through that faster than he’d thought. Picking up the last sign, he positioned it on a tree, got the nail in place, and gave the mini spike a tap with his hammer.

However, unlike the expected stiff give that the bark from the previous trees had, the nail stayed firmly in place, and a dull clanging sound rang out. Quirking an eyebrow, Dipper gave another, slightly stronger tap. A louder clang resonated from the tree. With a few more experimental taps, he determined that the whole tree was actually made of metal, and only designed to look like a tree. Dipper dropped his supplies off to his side and began clearing the coating of moss off of the tree. He found a part of the fake tree that seemed like a small hatch that could be opened. He tried to pry it open with his fingers, but it was locked shut.

‘ _Why would someone make a convincing-looking fake tree with a locked compartment out in the woods?_ ’ the boy thought to himself. ‘ _What’s so important to hide?_ ’

His curiosity truly piqued now, Dipper bent down and picked up his hammer. With a few quick and powerful strikes, angled to hit the panel to the side and not crush whatever was inside the tree, the hatch flew open. Pushing the slightly dented metal plate aside, Dipper peered into the compartment.

Inside was what appeared to be a very old and worn down radio transceiver, or something of the like. He messed with a switch, toggling it back and forth.

Nothing.

Dipper frowned. ‘ _It’s probably busted._ ’

The thing was in bad shape, so it would make sense if it no longer worked. Still, Dipper decided to be thorough, and flipped another switch. This time his actions were met with a quiet sound of mechanical whirring behind him. He turned and saw a portion of the ground opening up (scaring off the goat Mabel had named “Gompers” in the process). Dipper approached the hole in the ground cautiously, unsure what might be waiting for him, but relaxed when he saw the contents of the secret compartment.

‘ _A book?_ ’

Dipper pulled the dusty old book out of the cobwebs it rested in. He brushed it off and analyzed its cover. There wasn’t any title on it or anything, just a golden six-fingered hand with a big “3” inscribed on the palm. Dipper quickly glanced around, not seeing anyone who might’ve been alerted to the book being removed (call him paranoid if you want, you can’t be too careful).

He gently opened the worn leather cover, wary of the book falling apart. From the feel of it the book was still held together pretty well, despite its age. On the inside of the front cover was a bit of paper taped on. It said “Property of” but the part with the name had been torn off.

‘ _Weird,_ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _Why would the owner of the book not want anyone to know who they were? Maybe someone stole this thing? But then, why leave it out here?_ ’

Glancing at the next page, Dipper noticed something even more interesting.

‘ _“Vol. 3”?_ ’ Dipper read to himself. ‘ _So that means whoever wrote this wrote at least two other books like this one? Where are they? Why wouldn’t they all be kept together?_ ’

Flipping to the next page, Dipper saw what looked like some kind of author’s note.

‘ _“It’s hard to believe it’s been six years since I began studying the strange and wondrous secrets of Gravity Falls, Oregon.”_ ’

Dipper quickly glimpsed at the various pages. The book appeared to be some kind of journal, documenting supernatural occurrences in Gravity Falls. While Dipper’s first reaction was to scoff at the notion, the entries were all incredibly detailed and had a clear sense of coherence to them. Not exactly evidence in support of magic and junk, but enough to make Dipper keep glancing through the book with interest. There were pages on floating eyeballs, giant vampire bats, gnomes, and cursed doors to name a few. But what caught the boy’s eye was one page with big bolded writing on it.

“ **TRUST NO ONE!** ”

Dipper noticed some writing near the large warning.

‘ _“Unfortunately, my suspicions have been confirmed,”_ ’ Dipper read in his mind. ‘ _“I’m being watched. I must hide this book before he finds it. Remember: in Gravity Falls there is no one you can trust.”_ ’

Dipper closed the journal at that. No one you could trust, huh? The author of the journal seemed to think someone was spying on them. The section seemed to suggest someone in particular was coming after the journals. That was probably why the journal was hidden out in the middle of the woods in such a complicated manner. But from the looks of things, the journal had been in that compartment for years, decades even. What happened to the author? Did this “he” get to them?

Dipper’s eyes widened. Was “he” still looking for the journals? What if this “he” was still in Gravity Falls, and what if “he” somehow discovered one had been uncovered? What would “he” do if-?

“HALLO!”

“AH!”

Dipper stumbled forward, startled at the sudden shout. He quickly pivoted and threw a hook right at where the voice had come from.

“Whoa!” Mabel exclaimed in surprise as she dodged back, narrowly avoiding her brother’s fist. “The heck, Broseph!? Watch what you’re swinging at!”

“Mabel?” Dipper spoke, breathing hard from the adrenaline spike he’d just gotten. “What are you doing!?!”

“Just came to check on you,” she answered, a bit miffed. “Didn’t think you’d go straight for the head shot. What got ya so high strung?”

“N-nothing…” Dipper stuttered. “I’m fine.”

It was then that Mabel saw the book in her brother’s hand. “What’cha readin’, some nerd thing?”

Dipper’s eyes narrowed, despite the situation. He hated it when she called him a nerd.

“It’s nothing,” Dipper said flatly.

“‘ **It’s nothing** ,’” Mabel said, crossing her arms and doing an impression of the stereotypical stoic cool guy she often teased Dipper for trying to imitate. She laughed as she peered at the book. “What? Are you actually not gonna show me?”

Dipper looked around, a fresh bout of paranoia washing through his veins.

“... Let's go somewhere private.”

 

**_… retaL, ni eht citta…_ **

 

Mabel lounged on her bed in the attic. She was listening intently as Dipper explained how he found the journal and what it was about, slowly pacing as he did so.

“So you’re saying Gravity Falls has some ‘secret dark side’?” Mabel said

“According to the Journal, yeah,” Dipper confirmed. “That’s not even the freaky part though. The Author left a warning in the Journal, that some guy was after them. All the pages after the warning are blank, like the Author just disappeared. I think whoever was after the Journals got to the Author.”

“Or they just never came back for the books,” Mabel offered. “Could’ve forgotten which tree it was.”

“Maybe, but think about it, Mabel,” Dipper continued. “This ‘he’, whoever he was, it sounds like he was hunting the Author and the Journals. We know at the very least he didn’t get Journal 3. What if he’s still here, looking for it?”

Mabel rolled onto around onto her stomach, looking up at her brother. “You think someone might come after the book?”

“Maybe,” Dipper said. “I don’t know, maybe the Author was just crazy. A lot of the stuff in here is pretty out there-”

Dipper was suddenly cut off by the doorbell ringing.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

“Well, I guess it’s time to spill the beans,” Mabel said as she sat up. “This girl’s got a date! Woot woot!”

Mabel pumped her fists in the air as she fell back onto her bed, giggling with glee. Dipper, meanwhile, looked on, confused.

“... Let me get this straight,” the boy started, eyebrow raised in disbelief. “In the half hour I was gone, you already found a boyfriend?”

“What can I say?” Mabel said with a shrug as she rose to her feet. “I guess I’m just IRRESISTIBLLLLE!”

Mabel was brought out of her bragging by two more rings of the doorbell.

“Oh, right. _Coming~!_ ” Mabel called in a sing-song voice as she rushed down the stairs.

Tucking the Journal under his pillow, Dipper followed his sister downstairs. As he made it to the living room area, he saw Stan lounging in his chair, reading an issue of “Gold Chains For Old Men Magazine”. Dipper decided to avoid acknowledging that in any way, shape, or form. His attention was thankfully drawn away from that by the sound of steps approaching.

“Hey, family!” Mabel announced as she stepped into the living room. “Say hello to my new boyfriend!”

“‘Sup?” the tall, pale boy said.

“Hey…” Dipper greeted uneasily.

“How’s it hanging?” Stan asked.

“We met at the cemetery,” Mabel explained as she grabbed her boyfriend’s arm. “He’s really deep- oh, and apparently has a little muscle. Not bad.”

“... So, what’s your name?” Dipper asked, trying to not look as irked as he felt.

“Uh,” the taller boy stammered, eyes darting around a bit. “Normal... MAN!”

“He means Norman,” Mabel clarified.

Dipper eyes suddenly narrowed as he noticed something red and dripping on the pale boy’s cheek. “Are you bleeding, Norman?”

“... It’s jam,” Norman grunted in response, his arm awkwardly rubbing the food(?) in question from his face.

Mabel gasped. “I love jam! Look. At. This!”

Dipper resisted the urge to face-palm.

“So,” Norman started, “you wanna go hold hands or... whatever?”

Mabel nodded and giggled, before darting to the front door.

“Don’t wait up!” she shouted behind her to her brother and Stan.

Norman did a quick point at the guys in question, which Dipper was pretty sure was meant to be a cool goodbye or something, before running into the wall several times on his way out.

Dipper frowned at the departure, and walked back up into the attic. Something about Norman rubbed him the wrong way. Was that really jam on him? Granted, Dipper wasn’t really in a position to judge someone for having blood on them. He’d gotten his clothes stained with blood that wasn’t always his on multiple occasions before, after all. But he didn’t want Mabel going out with a punk like them. Maybe he just cut himself shaving? But that was a lot of potential blood for a simple shaving accident.

Dipper shook his head as he made it back into his room. He was probably overthinking things. He knew Mabel could take care of herself, and it would just tick her off if she knew he was obsessing over the potential dangers of her first boyfriend. He was just freaking out because of the paranoia the Journal brought him.

Dipper’s eyes widened. He glanced down at his pillow, knowing that the Journal was resting just underneath. No, he had to be going crazy. I mean, it was one thing to think someone was interested in the Journals enough the hunt down their Author, but that all the mystical stuff in them was real? No, that was ridiculous…

…

… Dipper reached under his pillow and pulled out the Journal. After flipping through a few pages, he stopped on one article.

‘ _“Known for their pale skin and bad attitudes,”_ ’ Dipper read to himself, ‘ _“these creatures are often mistaken for... teenagers? Beware Gravity Falls’ nefarious- zombies!?”_ ’

Dipper looked at the illustration provided, and he was struck by how similar it looked to Norman. The paleness, tattered clothes, even bits of branches sticking out of his hoodie. There was the groaning way he spoke, and the awkward shuffling way of walking, as if he lacked proper muscle control…

“Is my sister really dating a zombie,” Dipper questioned aloud, “or am I just going nuts?”

“It’s a dilemma, to be sure.”

Dipper jumped, immediately pulling his fist up as he spun around. He calmed himself as he saw only Soos, on a small step stool screwing in a lightbulb. Dipper lowered his fist and steadied his startled breathing, cursing in his mind that two people had managed to totally sneak up on him in one day without even trying.

“I couldn’t help but overhear you talkin’ aloud to yourself in this empty room,” Soos continued.

After pondering his options for a moment, Dipper decided to just ask. “... Soos, you’ve seen Mabel’s boyfriend. He’s gotta be a zombie, right?”

Soos hummed in thought, before pointing at Dipper. “How many brains didja see the guy eat?”

“Well, zero,” Dipper stammered defensively, “but-!”

“Look, dude, I believe you,” Soos interrupted, attempting to placate the younger boy. “I’m always noticing weird stuff in this town. Like the mailman? Pretty sure that dude’s a werewolf. But ya gotta have evidence. Otherwise, people are gonna think you’re a major league cuckoo clock.”

Dipper exhaled as he calmed his response. “... Right, you’re right, Soos.”

“My wisdom is both a blessing,” Soos spoke sagely, “and a curse.”

“Soos!” they heard Stan call from downstairs. “The portable toilets are clogged again!”

“I am needed elsewhere,” Soos said in the same sage tone, before backing out of the attic.

Dipper thought about how to proceed. Even if Norman was a zombie, Dipper had no doubt he could take the undead punk. But Mabel would never forgive him if he just beat up on the guy. Dipper decided to take Soos’ advice. He could personally escort Norman back into a grave, but first he needed proof of what Norman was. He would gather irrefutable evidence that Norman was a zombie.

 

**_… A wef syad retal…_ **

 

In retrospect, his case wasn’t exactly airtight.

Dipper slumped on his bed, video camera in hand. Mabel had just stormed off for her date with Norman. Dipper had tried telling her Norman was a zombie, and of course she didn’t believe him. He tried showing her his video proof, but not only was it not very convincing, but Mabel had not reacted well to finding out Dipper had spied on her dates. The cheek slowly swelling with a bruise where Mabel had socked him attested to just how “not well” she took it.

‘ _Soos was right,_ ’ Dipper thought as he half heartedly fast-forwarded through the footage he’d recorded. ‘ _I don’t have any real proof. I just let that dumb book and my fear of losing Mabel get the better of- wait, WHAT!?!_ ’

Dipper rewound the footage to what he’d just caught a glimpse at. The video showed Norman and Mabel standing together overlooking the forest with the sun setting in front of them. The camera was behind them, so it had a good view of Norman’s arm resting on Mabel’s shoulders. Suddenly, Norman’s hand fell off.

**HIS HAND FELL OFF.**

He quickly reached around to reattach it, but the camera didn’t lie.

‘ _I was right!_ ’ Dipper thought, before he realized what that meant. ‘ _Oh my gosh, I was right! Mabel!_ ’

“Grunkle Stan!” Dipper shouted in a raised voice her rarely used as he ran down the stairs. “Grunkle Stan! Grunkle Stan!”

He found Stan in front of the Mystery Shack, on a small stage surrounded by a crowd of onlookers.

“And here we have ‘Rock That Looks Like A Face Rock!” Stan declared to the viewers. “The rock that looks like a face!”

“Does it look like a rock?” one of the people in the crowd asked.

“No,” Stan responded, “it looks like a face.”

“Is it a face?” one of the tourists asked.

“It’s a rock that _looks_ like a face!” Stan exclaimed.

“Over here!” Dipper shouted. “Grunkle Stan!”

“For the fifth time!” Stan said to various members of the crowd. “It’s-it’s not an actual face!”

“Arrrgh!!!” Dipper groaned in frustration.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, raf otni eht sdoow…_ **

 

“Finally,” Mabel said with a breath of relief, “we’re alone.”

“Yes,” Norman said as he approached Mabel from behind, a shadow over his face. “ **Alone…** ”

 

**_… kcaB ta eht yretsyM kcahS…_ **

 

Dipper was about two seconds from knocking everyone between him and his great uncle flat, when he saw Wendy drive up in the Mystery Shack golf cart.

“Wendy!” Dipper shouted, getting the older girl’s attention as she got out of the cart. “Wendy! I need to borrow the golf cart so I can save my sister from her creepy boyfriend!”

Wendy needed no extra prompting to casually toss the keys to Dipper.

“Try not to hit any pedestrians,” she told him as she walked off.

Dipper hopped into the vehicle and popped in the keys, the engine coming to life. He started to drive off when a hand grabbed onto the cart.

“Dude, it’s me: Soos,” the handyman said as he handed Dipper a shovel. “This is for the zombies.”

“Thanks,” Dipper said as he took the deadly weapon/ gardening tool.

“And this is in case you see a piñata,” Soos said as he handed the boy a baseball bat.

“... Thanks?” Dipper said, before driving off.

“Better safe than sorry!” Soos called out from behind him.

 

**_… kcaB ni eht tserof..._ **

 

“Uh, Mabel,” Norman spoke. “Now that we’ve gotten to know each other, there’s… there’s something I should tell you.”

“Oh, Norman, you can tell me anything!” Mabel said, remembering this scene from every trashy romance novel she’d ever read. ‘ _Confess your love, you beautiful person!_ ’

“All right, just…” Norman said, clearly nervous, “just don’t freak out, okay? Just... just keep an open mind, be cool!”

Norman began to unzip his coat, and Mabel began blushing heavily. Would she get to see his abs? Norman threw off his coat, and underneath…

Was not what Mabel was expecting.

Five gnomes stood on top of each other. There were two on the ground, sticking out of “Norman’s” shoes, and one on top of each of them. The middle two gnomes each held a long stick with a hand attached to the end. Finally, the last gnome stood on the shoulders of the middle two, looking even more uncomfortable.

“Is this weird?” the top gnome asked. “Is this too weird? Do you need to sit down?”

Mabel.exe was not responding.

“... R-r-right, I’ll explain,” the top gnome said, noting Mabel’s dumbstruck look. “So! We’re gnomes. First off. Get that one outta the way.”

“Uh…” Mabel tried to say something, but was still at a loss for words.

“I’m Jeff,” the top gnome said, introducing himself, “and here we have Carson, Steve, Jason and... I’m sorry, I always forget your name.”

“Shmebulock,” the gnome in the left shoe said.

“Shmebulock!” Jeff said with a snap of his fingers. “Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin’ for a new queen! Right, guys?”

“Queen! Queen! Queen!” the other gnomes chanted.

“Heh,” Jeff said with a grin. “So what do you say?”

Jeff tapped Steve with his foot, and the gnomes worked together to make their stack kneel as if proposing.

“Will you join us in holy matrignomey?” Jeff asked. “Matri...matri-mo-ny! Blah! Can’t talk today!”

Mabel took a hesitant step back. “Look... I’m sorry, guys. You’re really sweet, but, I’m a girl, and you’re gnomes, and it’s like, ‘what’? Yikes…”

“We understand,” Jeff said sadly. “We’ll never forget you, Mabel.”

The gnomes all frowned at the rejection. Mabel gave them a soft smile, feeling kind of bad for the tiny creatures.

“Because we’re gonna kidnap you.”

“Huh?”

“ **AGGHH!!!** ” Jeff yelled as he jumped off the gnome stack at Mabel.

Mabel let out a “EEP!” as she instantly shot a jab into Jeff’s approaching face. The gnome went tumbling back, coming to a stop next to a tree. He slowly rose to his feet, spitting some blood out of his mouth. It was then Mabel realized she had some of his blood on her hand, but she didn’t have much time to consider this, as the other gnomes lunged at her. The two middle gnomes jumped at her much like Jeff had, but Mabel caught both their tiny bodies in mid air. She slammed them face first into each other, before tossing them to her sides. The bottom two jumped out of their respective shoes and ran at her, but Mabel knocked them both away with a single sweeping kick.

Just when Mabel thought she’d won, she saw Jeff whistle. Several more gnomes began rushing out of the underbrush, all running at Mabel. She kicked a few away, but these new gnomes had brought rope with them. They began tossing the rope around her, tying her up. Mabel tried to shake the rope off, but the more she did the more tangled up in the coils she got. Her eyes widened in panic when she realized she was stuck.

“Help!” Mabel shouted.

“The more you struggle, the more awkward this is gonna be for everybody!” Jeff yelled over the chaos, sounding like he was trying to organize everything. “Just, ha ha, okay. Get her arm there, Steve!”

Suddenly, the golf cart rolled onto the scene. It skidded to a stop, and Dipper jumped out, shovel in hand. Suffice it to say, he was more than a little surprised by what he saw.

“What the heck is going on here?!” the boy asked, confused.

“Dipper!” Mabel exclaimed. “Norman turned out to be a bunch of gnomes! And they’re total jerks!”

One gnome jumped on Mabel’s ponytail at that and started yanking on it.

“Ah! Hey, leggo the hair!” Mabel shouted as she shook her head violently, eventually sending him flying off.

Dipper watched as the gnome rolled on the ground before coming to a stop. He apparently had a weak stomach, as the tossed gnome bent over and started vomiting rainbows.

“Gnomes?” Dipper muttered. “Huh, I was WAY off…”

Dipper took out the Journal from inside his letterman jacket, needing a new game plan.

‘ _“Gnomes,”_ ’ Dipper read quickly in his mind, ‘ _“little men of the Gravity Falls Forest. Weaknesses: unknown.” How helpful…_ ’

Dipper looked up from the book, only to see Mabel tied flat to the ground.

“Aw, come on!” Mabel shouted.

‘ _Plan B it is, then,_ ’ Dipper thought as he tucked the Journal back into his jacket and approached the gnomes. “HEY!”

“Oh!” Jeff exclaimed, turning to face Dipper. “Ha ha, hey, there! Um, you know, this is all really just a big misunderstanding. You see, your sister’s not in danger. She’s just marrying all one thousand of us and becoming our gnome queen for all eternity! Isn’t that right, honey?”

“You guys are butt-faces!” Mabel shouted before a gnome covered her mouth. “Mmmm- **MMMMM!!!** ”

Dipper pointed the tip of his shovel at Jeff and said in a deadly serious tone, “ **You have seven seconds to let my sister go before I bash your skull in.** ”

“You think you can stop us, boy?” Jeff asked, his voice raising. “You have no idea what we’re capable of! The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the- AH!”

Jeff’s monologue was cut short by Dipper suddenly slamming the flat of his shovel into Jeff’s face. The gnome was once again sent flying, and some of his blood on the shovel spade started dripping down the handle and onto Dipper’s hand. Ignoring this, Dipper rushed over to Mabel, using the shovel to knock away more gnomes that stood in his way. He slammed the edge of the shovel onto the ropes, slicing them and freeing Mabel.

“Yah!” the girl shouted as she jumped up and kicked away various gnomes.

The siblings ran through the crowd, swatting off any gnomes that got too close. Jeff got up, shaking his head in an attempt to clear it, and saw Mabel and Dipper jump into the golf cart and drive off.

“He’s getting away with our queen!” Jeff shouted. “No, no, no! You’ve messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest: **ASSEMBLE!** ”

At that even more gnomes flooded out from the woods, all of them joining together in a pile.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Hurry,” Mabel told Dipper as he drove back to the Shack, “before they come after us!”

“It’s fine,” Dipper responded. “Did ya see their tiny little legs? They aren’t gonna catch up.”

No sooner had the words left the boy’s mouth did the two twins feel the ground shake as several crashing thumping noises approaching them from behind.

“Hey Dipper?” Mabel said as she turned to look behind them. “Try not to choke on your FREAKING FOOT!!!”

Dipper glanced back and saw a giant conglomeration of gnomes formed into a gargantuan gnome monster charging at them, and gaining fast.

“Move, MOVE!” Mabel shouted as Dipper put the pedal to the metal.

The giant gnome slammed its fist down where the cart had been mere moments before. The arm crumbled apart, but the gnomes quickly grabbed back onto the body and crawled back into place, reforming the limb. The giant gnome continued running after the cart, but was starting to lose ground.

“Come back with our queen!” Jeff shouted from his command position at the top of the gnome titan.

At that, the amalgamation wound back its arm and swung at the cart. Several gnomes detached and flew off, grabbing onto the cart and crawling to Dipper.

“Ah!” Dipper cried out as one bit into his arm. “Mabel! Bat!”

“Bat?” Mabel repeated, confused, before seeing the baseball bat in the back. “Bat!”

With that, the girl grabbed the thick wooden stick, and began beating the gnomes off the cart. Dipper grabbed the gnome off his arm and bashed its face into the steering wheel a few times before tossing it away.

“Schmebulock…” the battered gnome mutter as he tumbled away.

Dipper let out a relieved breath, before another gnome jumped down from the roof of the cart and onto his face. Dipper grunted in pain as the small creature clawed at his face, before head-butting the steering wheel twice, crushing the gnome. It held onto Dipper’s head, dazed, when a quick jab from Mabel sent it flying off.

“Thanks,” Dipper said, wincing as the scratches on his face were stung by the air whipping past them.

“Don’t mention i- TREE!” Mabel suddenly shouted.

Dipper glanced back in time to see the gnome giant rip a tree from the ground and throw it at them like a spear. He swerved to avoid it, but didn’t make it quite far enough. The tree itself didn’t hit them, but the impact shock was enough to overturn the cart. The vehicle skidded across the ground before eventually coming to a stop. As the twins crawled out of the crashed cart, weapons still in hand, they saw that they’d made it back to the Mystery Shack. Mabel shakily rose to her feet, and Dipper used the shovel to prop himself up. They looked back and saw the giant gnome, lumbering up to them.

“Oh boy…” Dipper wheezed.

Mabel gulped at the sight. “Wh-where’s Grunkle Stan?!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht yretsyM kcahS…_ **

 

“Behold!” Stan declared to a crowd of tourists as he showed them a spinning whirly-pattern toy. “The world’s most distracting object!”

The group “Oooh’ed” in amazement as their attention was completely captivated the toy. So captivated none of them even saw the giant gnome monster right outside the window they all stood next to.

“Just try to look away, you can’t!” Stan said as he too looked at the object. “... I can’t even remember what I was talking about.”

 

**_… kcaB htiw eht suoivbo enomg retsnom…_ **

 

“It’s the end of the line, kids!” Jeff declare to the battered children before him. “Mabel, marry us before we do something REALLY crazy!”

Dipper and Mabel glanced at each other. They weren’t in great shape. The crash had really hit them hard, and both felt wiped out. They were beaten and scratched up, and their legs were especially weak. All that they had to fight the gnome Megazord with was a shovel and a bat, and it didn’t look like anyone was coming to help them. Surrender seemed like their only option.

The twins grinned at each other.

_Yeah right._

Dipper pulled his shovel out of the ground, resting it on his shoulder. His legs shook a bit, but steadied as he stared down the gnome monster before him. His bangs were in messy disarray, revealing his constellation-shaped birthmark on his forehead. He looked at the top of the gnomes, and locked eyes with their leader.

“ **You have seven seconds to run before we bash your skulls in.** ”

Jeff groaned as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, fine, have it your way! I was trying to be civil with this kidnapping and forced marriage thing, but if this is how you’re gonna be, then we’re just going to have to kill you before we take Mabel as our Que-!”

Jeff was cut off by the Pines twins rushing forward. Swinging their weapons in perfect coordination with each other, they struck several gnomes out of the giant’s legs as they dashed past.

Step One of trying to beat an enemy much bigger and physically stronger than you  : Go for the legs. Remove their foundation and they can’t properly utilize their superior power.

“That’s for lying to me!” Mabel shouted as she ran back in front of the titan between its legs, knocking out several gnomes connecting the leg to the main body.

Step Two  : Keep moving. Use your greater maneuverability to keep them off balance and force them to fight to YOUR rhythm.

Dipper stayed behind the amalgamation, using his shovel to pick up dirt and throw it at some of the load-bearing gnomes on the back. They sputtered and shook, trying to get the dirt out of their faces, and causing the already unstable gnome titan to shudder even more.

“What is going on back there!?” Jeff shouted, turning to see what was happening, only to be greeted by a face full of dirt. “Ptew! Blagh!”

Step Three  : Attack from the blind spot. Use quick, non-damaging strikes to further disorient and debilitate them.

While the gnome colossus tried fixing its legs and simultaneously turning around to face Dipper (not two mutually beneficial acts), Mabel used the distraction as a chance to use her adrenaline boosted strength to tilt the golf cart back upright. She quickly turned it back to the giant monster, and set a nearby brick on the gas pedal. Dipper jumped out of the way just as the cart went barrelling through the right leg of the giant, completely scattering the gnomes making up the limb.

“THAT’S for breaking my heart!” Mabel yelled as the colossus came tumbling down, its right side falling apart while the left managed to mostly stay together.

“Come on guys!” Jeff shouted frantically. “Regroup! Regroup!”

“And THIS,” Mabel cried out as she tossed another brick in the air, “is for messing with my brother!”

With a mighty crack she struck the brick with her bat, the stone splintering apart at the impact. The pieces all shotgunned out and hit Jeff, knocking him off the back of the giant gnome. He screamed as he fell, before landing on something hard. He quickly realized he’d landed on the flat of Dipper’s outstretched shovel.

The boy gave the gnome a devilish grin.

Step Four  : Identify your opponent’s weakest point, and once you’ve exposed it, use it to make them suffer.

“And the pitch is up!” Dipper shouted as he used his shovel to throw Jeff sky high over the crumpling pile of gnomes and back toward the Shack.

As Jeff reached the apex of his arc, he looked down to see he was falling toward Mabel, who had wound up her bat. Jeff’s eyes locked with her for a split second, and realized just how bad this was going to hurt.

Mabel grinned at his terrified face. “Hey, batta-batta-batta-batta!”

“No, no, WAIT!” Jeff cried.

Step Five :    **PROFIT!**

“SA-wing, batta!” Mabel yelled as the bat connected with Jeff’s face, a loud **CRACK** echoing through the air as she sent the gnome flying far over the treetops.

“I’ll get you both back for this…!!!” Jeff shouted as he flew DEEP into the woods.

At his disappearance, the remaining gnomes started falling over themselves in a disorganized lump.

“Who’s giving orders?!” one gnome asked in a panic. “I need orders!”

“My arms are tired…” another complain.

“HEY!” Dipper shouted, grabbing their attention.

He walked over to Mabel and stood next to her. He rested his shovel on his shoulder again, while Mabel slowly clapped her hand with her bat. Both were giving the remaining gnomes glares that could’ve made grown bodybuilders frightened of the twins.

“ **Anyone else want some?** ”

All at once the gnomes scattered, running off on all fours like rabid animals. They vanished into the woods, and in mere moments it was as if they had never even been there. The twins noted with some amusement that one gnome got caught in a plastic six-pack holder, which was then picked up by Gompers and carried off to an unknown fate.

The gnomes were gone.

Dipper let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he was holding as he stuck his shovel into the ground, once again using it to support himself as the adrenaline started passing out of his system. He took deep, gasping breaths, gulping down air greedily as his body desperately tried to recover from the intense strain it had just been put through. He glanced at Mabel and saw she was in a similar state, having dropped her bat and resting her hands on her knees to support herself. She looked up at her brother, and the two smiled at each other. They started chuckling, and before long the were laughing hard.

They just fought a bunch of gnomes.

That turned into a giant gnome.

And they kicked its butt hard.

Booyah.

“... Hey, Dipper?” Mabel said after letting her breathing return closer to normal. “I, um… I’m sorry for ignoring your advice. You really were just looking out for me.”

“Forget about it,” Dipper dismissed with a small hand wave. “... I probably shouldn’t have spied on your dates, even with all of this.”

“It’s fine,” Mabel said as she righted herself, standing up straight again. “I mean, don’t do it again, but I think I can let it slide this time.”

Dipper pushed off his shovel, standing on his own again. “Right. From now on, I’m letting YOU handle your crazy dates.”

Mabel snorted a laugh out. “Yeah… I guess I’m just sad that my first boyfriend turned out to be a bunch of gnomes.”

“Glass half full,” Dipper said, “I don’t think it’s possible for your next date to be any worse.”

“Don’t say that, you freakin’ jinx!” Mabel laughed as she lightly shoved her brother’s shoulder.

“... Awkward sibling hug?” Dipper asked.

“Awkward sibling hug,” Mabel responded as she wrapped her arms around her twin.

“Pat, pat,” the both said robotically as the pat each other on the back.

With that, the two walked into the Mystery Shack, shoulders slumping from exhaustion. They walked past their Grunkle Stan, who was counting money at the cash register. He saw their messy forms, scraped up with leaves strewn in their ruffled hair.

“Yeesh,” Stan said with a grin. “You two get hit by a bus or…?”

He trailed off though, as he saw that on the backs of their shirts each twin had a bloody handprint, which neither seemed to be aware of.

“... or did you hit a bus…?” Stan muttered as he stared at their clothes.

Stan watched as his grand niece and nephew walked to the back of the house, mulling something over.

“Uh, hey!” he called out to the kids just before they left, grabbing their attention. “W-wouldn’t you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how’s about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y’know?”

“Really?” Mabel asked, happily surprised.

Dipper meanwhile, folded his arms and squinted at his great uncle suspiciously. “What’s the catch?”

“The catch is do it before I change my mind,” Stan replied gruffly. “Now take something.”

Shrugging, Dipper joined Mabel in searching the gift shop, looking for something worth getting. There were the Stan bobble-heads, no. The Mystery Shack clothes, nope. Skull with a candle on its head, definitely not.

Dipper stopped as he saw a small box filled various patches for a letterman jacket. He glanced down at his own patch-less jacket, and nodded before sifting through his options. One that looked like Oregon, a question mark, a dollar sign…

Dipper eventually settled on a small circular one with a black outline surrounding a blue pine tree symbol with a blank white background.

“Hmm…” Dipper hummed at the patch in satisfaction, “that oughta do the trick…”

“And I will have a…” Mabel announced as she reached for her item in a box. “GRAPPLING HOOK! Yes!”

Stan looked at Dipper, clearly unsure of the decision. “... Wouldn’t she rather have, like, a doll, or something?”

At that, Mabel fired her new item at the ceiling, and the device began pulling her into the air. “GRAPPLING HOOK!”

“Nope,” Dipper responded.

“Fair enough!” Stan said.

 

**_… retaL taht thgin…_ **

 

Dipper lounged in his bed as Mabel bounced on her’s, apparently her excitement for her new grappling hook overriding her exhaustion from earlier. Dipper was finishing up sewing his new patch onto his jacket (which he’d cleaned off as soon as he’d seen the blood on it, no way he was leaving that). As he bit off the string, completing the job, he placed the materials on the desk next to his bed. As he tossed his jacket on the desk, the “thunk” it made reminded him of its contents.

He reached into it and pulled out the Journal, looking the book over. He remembered back in the woods how it hadn’t provided any help with defeating the gnomes. It seemed that the Author, whoever they were, hadn’t been able to discover everything about this mysterious town. It could probably use some additions in some areas, like how the gnomes’ weakness was their inability to function without a leader. Dipper reached for a pen that was on the desk. He could add the gnome bit in later, but for now…

‘ _“I have discovered that, despite how crazy it sounds, the contents of this book are true,”_ ’ Dipper thought as he wrote on one of the blank pages in the Journal. ‘ _“Whoever the original Author of this book was, they were likely sane. With this in mind, I have to take every warning in this Journal seriously. I don’t know what happened to the Author, or who this ‘he’ that wants the Journal is, but I intend to find out. I will continue the Author’s work of investigating and documenting the strange occurrences of Gravity Falls, locate the other Journals, and hopefully, find out what happened to the Author. I am aware of the possibility that ‘he’, whoever he is, may still be in Gravity Falls. If he is, I will do my best to find out who he is, and ensure justice for the Author is served. My mission is likely very dangerous, but I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge, and I’m not starting now. And I won’t be alone.”_ ’

Dipper paused his writing, shoot a glance at his sister as she used her grappling hook to grab a stuffed animal from across the room.

‘ _“This Journal told me there was no one in Gravity Falls I could trust, but when you battle a hundred gnomes side-by-side with someone, you realize that they’ve probably always got your back. We’ll discover the secrets of this town, no matter how far we have to look for them.”_ ’

With that, Dipper closed the Journal and placed it back in his jacket.

“Hey, Mabel, could you get the light?” Dipper asked as he settled into his bed.

“I’m on it!” Mabel said as she used her grappling hook to shoot the lamp out of the window, instantly darkening the room. “It works!”

Dipper smiled as he closed his eyes. He certainly wasn’t disappointed in Gravity Falls after today. He didn’t know what else the town had in store for him, but whatever it was, he was sure that as long as Mabel was by his side he could handle it. And even if he didn’t want to admit it, he had always been a huge mystery geek. The idea of some dark conspiracy involving the Author and the man who hunted him down lying undiscovered in the town, just waiting to be unraveled excited him. After all, who knew what kind of mysteries were sealed away, just waiting to be uncovered.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Stan walked through the gift shop, holding a lantern. He stepped up to the vending machine and punched the buttons in a very particular order. The machine suddenly turned, revealing an opening in the wall behind it. Stan walked into the secret opening, bathed in the dull electric lighting emanating from it. He looked back into the gift shop, eyes darting back and forth to ensure he was alone, before closing the vending machine behind him.

 

**0-14-11   0-15-0-18-11  18-15-11-25!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo-boy...  
> Okay, hey people, welcome to the first real chapter of this story, and... Geez, this chapter got out of hand. So, I didn't want to drag out the pre-Weirdmageddon part of this story. It should be given the necessary focus, but I really wanted to be able to get to what happens after Weirdmageddon so I can go full on with the specific story I want to tell. With that in mind, I'd thought I would just have each chapter that's a redone episode be a single chapter so I could move past them faster.  
> OH BOY, WAS THAT A MISTAKE.  
> This chapter turned into an absolute monster, as you can tell, and I'm not eager to repeat this lapse in judgment. If every episode redo chapter was this long, I wouldn't be able to keep a weekly update schedule for more than a week or two, tops. So, I decided that from now on I'm gonna split the episodes up into two chapters each to make sure an essay like this doesn't end up happening again. Okay? Okay.  
> That said, what did you think of the chapter? I had Dipper be a bit more thorough with his thoughts on the Journals and mysteries surrounding them, and while Mabel is still a lovable nutball, she's a bit more down to earth. How might this impact the story and character dynamics? Time will tell...  
> Oh, and fun fact: that whole "sevens seconds" line Dipper said was seven seconds because that's how long it takes him to interrupt Jeff in the actual episode. I counted.  
> Anyway, let me know what you liked, any tips for improvement you may have, and any questions I don't address. I'd love to hear what you have to say.  
> Oh, and kind of off topic, but did anyone crack that little code at the end of the prologue? Figured I'd leave a secret message at the end of each chapter 'cause, y'know, Gravity Falls. Anyone who figures it out gets a glass of Mabel Juice, on me.  
> Thanks for reading, and have a great rest of your day (night, whatever time it is for you).


	3. As Seen On TV

“For tonight’s final illusion,” Stan announced as he led the last group of tourists out of the Mystery Shack for the day, “we have the incredible ‘Sack of Mystery’! When you put your money in, it mysteriously disappears!”

“That makes sense,” one of the tourists commented, as the group began depositing money in the shack.

Dipper scoffed at the demonstration of taking from those least deserving, before walking into the living room, where Mabel and Soos were watching a TV show.

“The tiger was badly injured in the explosion,” the narrator from the TV spoke as Dipper sat with his sister on the recliner, “but we repaired him with a fist.”

Dipper watched, somewhat intrigued at the sight of a tiger with a human arm sticking out of its side. His curious expression fell to a deadpan one as the tiger punched itself.

‘ _The hero we deserve, people…_ ’ Dipper drawled in his mind.

“Tiger Fist! ...will return after these messages.”

“Hey, look,” Soos said to the twins. “It’s that commercial I was telling you guys about.”

“Are you completely miserable?” a voice from the TV asked.

“YES!” a real-person-totally-not-an-actor-paid-to-say-this exclaimed while sobbing.

“Then you need to meet… _Gideon~_.”

“Gideon?” Dipper asked, eyebrow raised sceptically.

“What makes him so special?” Mabel asked.

“He’s a psychic,” the voiceover man said.

“Aroo?” Mabel… Mabel… um… (did whatever that sound was, I don’t freaking know...), watching the screen intently as her brother simply rolled his eyes.

“So don’t waste your time with other so-called ‘Men of Mystery’,” the voiceover continued as the image of a half-dressed Stan emerging from an out house with a toilet paper tail appeared on the TV, the word “ **FRAUD** ” stamped in big bold letters over the image. “Learn about tomorrow tonight at Gideon’s Tent of Telepathy.”

The commercial ended with the usual too fast to read properly disclaimer text scroll across the screen, and Dipper was certain he’d seen a love confession in there somewhere.

“Wow, I’m getting all curiousy inside!” Mabel said.

“Well, don’t get too curiousy,” Stan said as he strolled into the room and started hanging his Mr. Mystery outfit on a coat rack. “Ever since that monster Gideon rolled into town, I’ve had nothin’ but trouble.”

“Well, is he really psychic?” Mabel asked.

“Why don’t you go find out for yourself?” Dipper asked sardonically as he walked upstairs to the attic.

“Never!” Stan declared. “You’re forbidden from patronizing the competition! No one that lives under my roof is allowed under that Gideon’s roof!”

“Tents don’t have roofs,” Dipper called from upstairs.

“Woo!” Mabel said with a fist pump. “Loophole! Loophole!”

Stan groaned as he rubbed his hand over his face. “You kids have been spending too much time with me…”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

“Step right up there, folks!” announced a man in a hawaiian shirt announced in front of the Tent of Telepathy. “Put your money in Gideon’s Psychic Sack!”

“That also makes sense,” the same tourist from before said as he and the others started putting money in the “totally legit” bag.

“Whoa,” Mabel spoke in awe, “it’s like some bizarro version of the Mystery Shack…”

“Yup,” Dipper said with a disinterested nod. “They even have their own Soos.”

At that the boy pointed to a maintenance worker that looked eerily similar to Soos with various tools and a nametag that read “Deuce”. Soos and Deuce locked eyes and glared at each other, Soos munching an empanada all the while.

Dipper groaned as they made their way into the tent and sat on the uncomfortable wooden benches lined up in front of the stage. “Why did _I_ have to come again?”

“‘Cause it was your idea, Bro-Bro,” Mabel said as she sat next to her brother.

Dipper gave her an unamused look.

“Oh, come on,” Mabel said. “You’re the one that’s all into the weirdness of this place. Don’t you wanna see a psychic in action?”

“Mabel, there is no way this guy is actually a psychic,” Dipper said flatly. “Think about it, if this guy could really read minds, why would he be using them for a tourist trap show in Gravity Falls of all places? Guys like him are nothing but cold reads and planted audience members.”

“You don’t _know_ that,” Mabel insisted. “At least see the show before you make up your- Oh, sh, sh! It’s starting!”

Dipper leaned back, trying to get as comfortable as he could. ‘ _Okay, let’s see what this monster looks like._ ’

Dipper was about as disappointed as he’d expected.

The curtains opened to reveal Gideon, all three feet of him (and that’s counting his ridiculous hair). His light blue business suit, American lapel pin, and bolo tie reminded Dipper way too much of a more refined Grunkle Stan. Fancier, better stage presence, but a sham all the same.

“Hello America!” Gideon greeted the audience in a very cute prepubescent voice. “My name is Li’l Gideon!”

With a clap of his hands, doves flew out of Gideon’s giant hairdo. If nothing else, Dipper had to give him props for his bizarre showmanship. But even still…

'This _is Stan’s mortal enemy?_ ’ Dipper thought, rapidly losing the ability to take his great uncle seriously.

“He’s so wittle!” Mabel gushed, cupping her hands on her cheeks.

‘ _Gag me…_ ’ Dipper griped in his mind.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a gift to have you here tonight!” Gideon said to the audience. “ _Such a gift._ I have a vision. I predict that you will soon all say, ‘aww’.”

Gideon suddenly struck a cute pose and the crowd “aww’ed” in response.

“It came true…” Mabel stage-whispered in awe.

“... Seriously?” Dipper asked incredulously.

Mabel swatted her brother on the shoulder. “Stop killing the magic!”

Dipper rolled his eyes before looking back at the stage.

“Hit it, Dad!” Gideon called out.

The man from outside with the hawaiian shirt suddenly started playing piano from the side of the stage, and Gideon began singing.

“ _Oh, I can see, what others can’t see~_

_It ain’t some sideshow trick, it’s innate ability~_

_Where others are blind, I am futurely inclined~_

_And you too could see, if you was widdle ol’ me~!_

Come on, everybody, rise up! I want y’all to keep it going!”

Everyone in the audience, Dipper included, suddenly rose from their seats. The crowd began clapping along, save Dipper, who was surprised at what just happened.

‘ _Wha-?_ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _How did he do that? Was that like, that peer-pressure induced stage hypnosis, or is he actually…?_ ’

“Keep it going!” Gideon continued as he jumped down to the first row.

“ _You wish your son would call you more~_ ”

“I’m leaving everything to my cats!” the elderly lady he pointed to huffed as one of the cats on her lap stirred.

‘ _... Or maybe he really is just a sham,_ ’ Dipper thought at the “impressive” display.

“ _I sense that you’ve been here before~_ ”

“Oh, what gave it away?” asked Sheriff Blubs, decked out in Gideon merch.

‘ _Come on…_ ’ Dipper thought, already tired of the routine. ‘ _These are getting less impressive as he goes._ ’

“ _I’ll read your mind if I’m able~_

 _Something tells me you’re named Mabel~_ ”

“How’d he do that?” Mabel asked in awe.

“I wonder…” Dipper said sarcastically as he cast a sidelong glance at Mabel’s very sparkly “MABEL” necklace.

“ _So welcome all ye... to the Tent of Telepathy~_

 _And thanks for visiting... widdle ol’ me~!_ ”

With that, the song ended, Gideon sweating and panting as the crowd cheers wildly.

“Oh... oh my goodness,” Gideon panted as he grabbed a drink of water. “Thank you! You people are the real miracles!”

 

**_… A wef setunim retal…_ **

 

“That kid’s an even bigger fraud than Stan,” Dipper said as he, Mabel, and Soos exited the tent. “No wonder our uncle’s jealous.”

“Oh, come on, his dance moves were adorable!” Mabel gushed. "And did you see his hair? It was like, whoosh!”

“... You are WAY too easily impressed.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the sister dismissed with a wave.

Unbeknownst to anyone in the group, a pair of low eyes watched as they left.

 

**_… ehT txen yad, ta eht yretsyM kcahS…_ **

 

Dipper sat on the couch in the living room, quietly reading the Journal. Specifically, he was looking to see if it had anything on psychic powers. Sure, he was ninety-nine percent sure Gideon was a fraud, but it never hurt to be thorough, just in case. Call him paranoid.

“Check it out, Dipper!” Mabel called as she rushed into the room, sequins completely covering the front of her head. “I successfully bedazzled my face! Blink!”

Dipper noted that as she slowly blinked there was a light crunching sound, and saw that even Mabel’s eyelids were covered in sequins.

“Ow…” Mabel winced.

“... Is that permanent?” Dipper asked, not really sure what to make of the sight.

“I’m unappreciated in my time…” Mabel stated with disappointment.

At that the doorbell rang, and Stan called for someone to get it.

“I’m on it!” Mabel shouted as she rushed to the front door.

She quickly rubbed the sequins off her face, lamenting how all her hard work went to waste, but also happy she could blink again. With the last of them off, she opened the door, and was surprised by what she saw.

Li’l Gideon Gleeful.

“Howdy,” Gideon greeted, a little stiffly.

Mabel gasped, a giddy grin on her face. “It’s ‘wittle ol’ you!”

Gideon laughed nervously, seemingly a bit embarrassed. “... Yeah, my song’s quite catchy. Now, I know we haven’t formally met, but after yesterday’s performance, I just couldn’t get your smile out of my head.”

“You mean this one?” Mabel asked while shooting the short boy a beaming smile, not noticing a green sequin stuck on her front teeth.

“Oh, what a delight!” Gideon said, giving a smile of his own. “Now, when I saw you in the audience, I said to myself, ‘Now there’s a kindred spirit! Someone who appreciates the sparkly things in life.’”

“That’s totally me!” Mabel said, giving a laugh that quickly became a coughing fit.

Gideon watched in amazement as Mabel coughed up numerous sequins, all of which somehow landing in a perfect pattern on his suit lapels.

“Enchanting,” he whispered. “Utterly enchanting.”

“Who’s at the door?” Stan called from inside the house.

“No one, Grunkle Stan!” Mabel called back.

“I appreciate your discretion,” Gideon said, keeping his voice quiet. “Now, Stan’s no fan of mine. I don’t know how a lemon so sour could be related to a peach so sweet.”

“Gideon!” Mabel giggled.

“What do you say we step away from here and chat a bit more?” Gideon asked. “Perhaps in my dressing room?”

“Oh! Makeovers!” Mabel cheered, giving Gideon a playful poke to the stomach. “Yahoo!”

Gideon laughed back, but mumbled a quiet, “... Ow…”

 

**_… retaL taht noonretfa…_ **

 

“Hey Dipper,” Mabel said as she dangled her _very_ manicured fingers in front of her still-reading brother’s face. “What’s goin’ oooon…?”

“Where have you been?” Dipper asked as he swatted her hands away. “And what’s going on with those fingernails, you look like a wolverine.”

“I know, right?” Mabel said with a laugh that turned into a playful growl. “I was hanging out with my new pal, Gideon. He is one dapper little man.”

Dipper was sceptical of the boy’s “dapperness”, on account of he apparently approved of Mabel looking a trashy reality TV star.

“... Mabel, I don’t trust anyone who’s hair is bigger than their head,” Dipper responded.

“You don’t trust _anyone_ ,” Mabel corrected. “Come on, let me enjoy this! You never want to do girly stuff with me. You and Soos get to do boy stuff all the time.”

“What do you mean?” Dipper asked.

“Hey dude,” Soos said as he suddenly entered the living room, “you ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one?”

Dipper looked at Soos, and then looked back to Mabel.

“This proves nothing,” Dipper said as he got up and went with Soos into the kitchen.

Mabel rolled her eyes at the sound of popping coming from the kitchen. “Hey, save some for me!”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

“Whoa,” Mabel marveled as she sat with Gideon on the roof of a building on a high up cliff. “The view from your family’s factory is nuts! Good thing we both brought our-”

“Opera glasses!” both kids said as they looked at each other, laughing.

“Mabel,” Gideon said, putting down his eye aids, “when I’m up here lookin’ down on all those little ol’ people, **_I feel like I’m king of all I survey._ ** … I guess that makes you my queen!”

“What?” Mabel giggled, completely missing his ominous tone shift. “You are being so nice to me right now, quit it!”

She tried playing the comment off with a pat on Gideon’s stomach (gently, she needed to remember to hold back), but Gideon looked determined.

“I can’t quit it,” Gideon insisted. “I am speaking from the heart.”

“... From the where-now…?” Mabel asked, finally starting to get that Gideon was serious.

“Mabel, I’ve never felt this close with anyone,” Gideon said. “ _So, so close…_ ”

Mabel tried to push down a growing sense of awkwardness as Gideon tried petting her hair.

“Look Gideon,” Mabel said as she gently pushed his hand away. “I um… I like you a lot, but let’s just be friends.”

“At least just give me a chance,” Gideon persisted. “Mabel, will you do me the honor of going on a date with me?”

“A play date?” Mabel asked, still hoping to back-pedal the situation.

“Mmnn,” Gideon hummed in negative as he shook his head.

“... A shopping date…?”

“It’ll just be one li’l ol’ date,” Gideon said. “I swear on my lucky bolo tie.”

“Ummm,” Mabel mumbled, looking away. “... Okay, then... I guess…”

“Mabel Pines, you have made me the happiest boy in the world!” Gideon declared as he wrapped the girl in a hug.

“… Are you sniffing my hair?”

 

**_… retaL, kcab ni eht kcahS…_ **

 

“It’s not a date-date,” Mabel said as she played Dipper in a video game. “It’s just, you know, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I figured I’d throw him a bone.”

“Guys don’t work like that, Mabel,” Dipper countered. “He’s gonna fall in love with you.”

“Yeah right,” Mabel scoffed. “I’m not that lovable.”

At that Mabel blasted Dipper, winning the game.

“Kaboom! Yes!”

“We agree on something here,” Dipper groused as he set down his controller.

Suddenly, Mabel’s attention was drawn by the ring of the doorbell. She stood up and took a deep breath as she approached the front door, trying to calm herself.

‘ _Don’t stress, Mabel,_ ’ the girl told herself. ‘ _It’s just a date. One date, and everything goes back to normal. We’ll just have dinner at some restaurant, maybe see a movie or something. Nothing to freak out about. You can handle one simple date._ ’

Mabel opened the front door, expecting to see Gideon. He’d greet her, she’d greet him, and his parents would drive them to wherever Gideon had picked for the date. And Gideon was there.

… She just hadn’t expected the horse.

“Ah!” Mabel exclaimed in surprise as the horse took a step into the house.

“A night of enchantment awaits, m’lady!” Gideon said, extending a hand to pull her up onto his steed.

“... Oh boy…” Mabel muttered, realizing that she _MAY_ have underestimated Gideon.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

“... I can’t believe they let us bring a horse in here,” Mabel said awkwardly as she stared at the equine in question drinking out of the restaurant’s decorative fountain.

Mabel was feeling… let’s be generous and say “out of her element”. Gideon had taken her out to dinner, and while she had expected the place to be nice, what she’d gotten was so much more. The name of the place was a short string of french words she had no idea how to pronounce, and the inside of the restaurant was fancier than anything she’d ever seen. Everyone else was some level of dressed up, save Mabel in her usual T-shirt, skirt, leggings, and sweater tied off around her waist. Mabel wasn’t even a big seafood fan, and this place’s specialty was seafood, so much so that the whole restaurant was designed after the ocean.

Mabel swallowed uncomfortably as she saw the prices of some of the menu items. That right there was the reason she felt so alien. Money had always been pretty tight for her family, so fancy dinners like this? Never happened. This was the first time she’d ever eaten at a restaurant nicer than an Olive Garden, and being told she could get ANYTHING, regardless of price? It was a bit overwhelming.

“Well, people have a hard time saying no to me,” Gideon said as he propped up his feet on his side of the table.

“Ah, Monsieur Gideon!” a waiter said. “Ze feet on ze table! An excellent choice!”

“Jean Luc, what did we discuss about eye contact?” Gideon asked.

“Yes, yes,” Jean Luc said as he looked away and started backing off, “very good!”

… And Gideon was apparently such a regular that the staff let him do pretty much anything. Woo boy, this was just getting better and better. Mabel took a calming breath.

‘ _Stop being such a Dipper,_ ’ she told herself. ‘ _Gideon was nice enough to take you out for a fancy dinner. Just try to enjoy it.’_

“... I’ve never seen so many forks!” Mabel said, trying to break the ice. “And water with bubbles in it? Ooh la la, oui, oui!”

“Oh!” Gideon said. “Parlez vous francais?”

Mabel blinked. “... I have no idea what you’re saying.”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

“... And so I said, ‘Autograph your own headshot lady!’” Gideon said, laughing at his own story.

“Yeah…” Mabel answered with an uncomfortable laugh, eyeing her lobster dinner warily as it pinched her fork.

“Mabel, tonight’s date was a complete success,” Gideon said, seemingly unaware of Mabel’s unease. “And tomorrow’s date promises to top this one in every way!”

“Whoa, whoa!” Mabel quickly spoke. “You said just one date, and this was it.”

“Hark!” Gideon suddenly declared. “What a surprise! A red crested South American rainbow macaw!”

Mabel was confused, before said macaw suddenly flew in from out of nowhere. Mabel backed up in her seat as the bird landed on Gideon’s extended arm.

“... two, three, four…” Gideon counted under his breath.

“MABEL!” the parrot squawked. “WILL YOU! ACCOMPANY! GIDEON! TO! THE BALLROOM DANCE! THIS! THURBDAY!”

Gideon squinted and gave the bird a quick shake.

“THURSDAY!” the bird corrected, before coughing up a letter and flying off.

“Oh, so adorable,” one woman commented as a crowd began forming around the table.

“Gideon’s got a girlfriend,” a chef said.

“They’re expectin’ us,” Gideon told Mabel. “Please say you’ll go.”

“Oh, Gideon,” Mabel said, eyes darting around. “I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to say-”

“I’m on the edge of my seat,” Sheriff Blubs said.

“This is gonna be adorable,” said another viewer (Mabel was pretty sure his name was Tyler).

“If she says no, I’ll die from sadness,” an elderly woman said.

“I can verify that that will indeed happen,” a doctor said.

Mabel swallowed hard.

 

**_… retaL, ni eht kcahS…_ **

 

“Hey,” Dipper said as he looked through the Journal on the recliner. “How’d it go?”

“I don’t know…” Mabel said blankly as she slid her still very alive dinner in the fish tank. “I have a lobster now.”

“Well, at least it’s over and you’ll never have to go out with him again,” Dipper said.

A very noticeable pause consumed the air at that statement.

“Mabel?” Dipper spoke as he closed the Journal and looked at his sister. “It IS over, right?”

“BLAARRGG!” Mabel exclaimed as she flailed her arms. “He asked me out again and I didn’t know how to say no…”

“Like this: No.”

“It’s not that easy, Dipper!” Mabel countered. “He did this whole thing with a macaw a vomit invite! It was weird, but still kind of sweet!”

“He’s reverse positive reinforcing you,” Dipper said.

“What?”

“He keeps making these big gestures to show he’s putting forward an effort,” Dipper explained. “Him doing that makes you feel obligated to reward him. He’s using the scammer tricks he uses on his audience to guilt you into going out with him.

“Come on Dipper,” Mabel said. “He’s not scamming me, he just thinks he’s being romantic. And I do appreciate him putting in the effort, it’s just too much.”

Dipper still looked skeptical.

“Look,” Mabel said, “I like Gideon, as a friend-slash-little-sister, so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I just need to get things back to where they used to be. You know, friends.”

 

**_… nO eht txen etad…_ **

 

Mabel blanched as she entered the ballroom with Gideon, arms linked. They arrived at the dance in a limo (thankfully not the horse again, even Mabel wasn’t comfortable being the center of attention THAT much…), and the entire room stopped what they were doing as the two children walked in. Mabel watched as everyone began whispering about “Gravity Falls’ Newest Power Couple” and tried to push down her increasing discomfort. At least Gideon had given her a very fancy light purple bedazzled dress for this event when she mentioned she didn’t have anything to wear (it even included heels, and Mabel wasn’t sure if she liked that or not), so she didn’t feel completely out of place. But the gift just made the whole event harder, since Mabel was still trying to figure out how to let Gideon down easy.

“Shall we dance, my sweet?” Gideon offered.

“Uh, sure?” Mabel said.

At that, Gideon guided her to the dance floor. The other party-goers made way for the two as they stepped into the center of the room. The spotlight focused on them as Gideon spun Mabel into holding her, and began to slow dance. Gideon slid along the floor, effortlessly waltzing to the music. Mabel had never actually ballroom danced before, so she just followed Gideon’s lead and tried not to step on his feet. Eventually she managed to get into the flow of things, but even then she still didn’t feel like she was doing it right. Apparently the other attendees agreed, as she saw she was getting various unimpressed looks at her display, her facing burning. By the end of the song Mabel felt like she wanted to curl up from embarrassment at how ridiculous she must have looked.

“Hey, can we sit for a bit?” Mabel asked, looking for any way out of the ever-watching spotlight she could get. “I’m kinda tired.”

“Of course,” Gideon said, a perfect smile on his face. “Whatever you need.”

With the same effortless glide to his step when he was dancing, Gideon walked Mabel over to one of the tables on the edge of the room. When they arrived, he slickly spun around her and pulled out a chair for her, gesturing for the girl to sit. Mabel gave a smile that desperately tried to seem natural as she sat down, and Gideon pushed the chair in for her.

“Would you care for something from the buffet tables?” Gideon asked.

“Oh,” Mabel started, “um, sure. I guess.”

She began standing up, but Gideon gently pushed her back into her seat.

“Ah, ah, ah!” Gideon said in playful admonishment. “Don’t you worry about it. I’ll get it for you, my sweet.”

“That’s nice of you Gideon,” Mabel said, “but I can get my own-”

“Oh nonsense!” Gideon interrupted. “What kind of date would I be if I made my lovely princess walk all the way across the ballroom to get her food? Just enjoy your rest, Mabel darlin’. I’ll get you a platter of the finest confections here. Back in a moment.”

Mabel watched as Gideon walked off, and she let out a relieved breath. She had tried going into this date like she had the last, trying her best to enjoy herself despite the difficult circumstances. But the more she tried to have fun, the more wrong everything felt. It was strange, considering she was living every girl’s dream. A handsome young boy, rich and popular, falls for the average girl from a lower class, and treats her like a princess. It was the Cinderella story every single girl fantasized about. If Mabel were honest (and she wouldn’t be around Dipper, he’d NEVER let her live it down) she’d also had that fantasy a few times. But… not like this. Not with a guy she saw as a friend, not in a “relationship” on the front page of every newspaper in town.

Not in a place like this.

“Here you are, my peach dumplin’,” Gideon said, snapping Mabel out of her musings. “Bon appetit!”

Mabel looked at the plate. The food wasn’t alive, so that was a plus. It contain various crackers, meat and cheese slices, and a few pieces of various fruits, all arranged in a heart shape. Gideon also carried with him a glass of what looked to be lemonade to drink.

“Figured I’d keep it light for now,” Gideon explained. “That way we can do some more dancing in a bit. Wouldn’t want milady to get a cramp. After we’re done we can get a proper dinner. They have some steak, ham, a few different soups, a salad bar, and some de- _licious_ smelling pastries for dessert.”

“Thanks Gideon,” Mabel said, trying to be polite as she began to munch on a mini sandwich of crackers, salami and swiss cheese.

“After that, I have a magical boat ride on the lake planned to cap off the night,” Gideon continued. “Pretty scenery for the prettiest lady.”

Mabel’s attempt at a happy face fell.

“Okay, Gideon,” Mabel said, “I think you’ve got the wrong idea about me. I mean, yeah, I like dressing up and make up and stuff. But I also like throwing down, and breaking stuff, and baseball, and… and I’m not a ‘princess’.”

“Mabel dear,” Gideon said, a bit confused by the statement. “Most people are multifaceted like that, but that doesn’t mean that bein’ a tomboy is the ‘real you’.”

“Dipper and I got suspended for getting into a huge fight with some kids before school ended,” Mabel countered. “We threw chairs, dislocated shoulders, bashed faces into tables, there was this thing with a milk carton-”

“Mabel, Mabel,” Gideon said, motioning for her to lower her voice. “You mean to tell me you started a big fight at your school?”

“Well, I didn’t _start_ it,” Mabel clarified. “Dipper knocked some guy’s lights out when he said some… _stuff_ about us, and I jumped in.”

“So… it was Dipper who dragged you into that fight?” Gideon asked. “The fight that got you suspended?”

“Well,” Mabel started hesitantly, “it wasn’t like that, exactly.”

“Mabel, you’ve talked about Dipper a lot,” Gideon said. “You two are close, yes?”

“Yeah,” Mabel replied. “He’s my bro, and my best friend.”

“But from what you’ve said, he seems to have a pretty explosive temper,” Gideon said.

“I mean-”

“And he seems to pull you down into his problems,” Gideon continued. “It sounds like he’s a bad influence on you. A lot of your more violent tendencies are probably just from being around him so mu-”

Gideon was cut off by Mabel slamming her first onto the table, rising from her seat as she did so.

“ **WHERE DO YOU GET OFF, TALKING ABOUT MY BROTHER LIKE THAT!?!** ” Mabel suddenly roared at the boy sitting across from her.

“M-Mabel darling-” Gideon started, stunned at the outburst.

“ **NO!!!** ” Mabel interrupted. “ **YOU DON’T GET TO DRAG ME ALONG ON THESE DATES AND THEN JUST SIT THERE BAD-MOUTHING THE ONE PERSON WHOSE BEEN THERE FOR ME THROUGH EVERYTHING, AND TRY TO MAKE ME THINK IT’S SOMEHOW HIS ‘FAULT’ I’M NOT THE STUPID PRINCESS YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!!!** ”

At that Mabel drove her fist into the table, the force of the blow causing its flimsy plastic legs to give out and the whole thing crashed to the floor. The girl stormed off in a huff, making her way to the exit with no resistance, as everyone seemed to be giving her a wide berth.

Gideon watched in shocked silence as Mabel left, questioning what he had done wrong.

 

**_… kcaB ni eht kcahS, htiw hcum terger…_ **

 

Mabel’s screams were only slightly muffled by her pillow as she lay back on her bed, kicking her feet frustratedly in the air.

“Stupid!” Mabel shouted as she lifted the pillow, only to slam it down repeatedly on her face. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

Letting out another cry of anger, she blindly chucked her pillow across the room. It happened to fly right at the top of the stairway, where Dipper was standing. With a tilt of his head he avoided the offending object as it hit the wall just behind him.

“... Just what happened on that date?” Dipper asked when his sister finally stopped screaming.

“I don’t know!” Mabel cried out, her eyes beginning to tear up. “Everything was going fine, but then he start talking crap about you and I just blew up!”

“He talked crap about me?” Dipper asked, confused.

“Not the point, Dipper!” Mabel yelled. “I wanted to let him down easy so we could still be friends, not punch a table and leave in the middle of the date! Gideon probably hates me now!”

At that, Dipper noticed Mabel’s text alert go off. Since the girl was still busy freaking out about her little melt down, Dipper walked over to the bedside desk and picked up Mabel’s phone. He read the text, and his eyebrows raised a bit in surprise, before knitting together in suspicion.

“It’s from Gideon,” he told his sister flatly, prompting another wail. “He says he’s sorry for what happened, and wants to take you to dinner at ‘The Club’ to apologize for upsetting you. He says he wants to better understand you and what you would enjoy doing.”

Mabel immediately perked up. “That’s good! That means he doesn’t hate me, and he listened to me!”

“Mabel, The Club is a couples restaurant,” Dipper said. “He’s using this whole mess to get you to go on another date with him.”

Mabel looked like she was ready to deny the statement, but her face fell after a moment of thought.

“You’re right…” Mabel said sadly. “He tried turning me against you so I’d be like how he wanted me. You were right all along, he’s been scamming me…”

Mabel sat up against the wall and tucked her legs to her chest, resting her head on her knees as tears began to roll down her face. Dipper looked at the sight for only a moment before moving forward. He crawled on the bed until he was sat next to his sister, gently pulling her in for an arm on the shoulders hug. Mabel instantly leaned into the embrace, sniffling as she did so.

“... I can’t keep doing this…” Mabel whispered. “I’ve got to tell him no, but…”

“I’ll do it,” Dipper said flatly.

Mabel looked up at her brother. “... What?”

“I’ll go to The Club for you, tell him you aren’t interested in him, that you don’t like how he keeps trying to manipulate you into going out with him, and don’t want to hang out anymore.”

“Dipper…” Mabel said. “That’s really nice of you, but it wouldn’t be right for me to just send you instead of-”

“I promise I won’t hit him,” Dipper interrupted with a deadpan tone.

“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!” Mabel said, all her previous hesitation gone as she wrapped her brother in a bone-crushing hug.

“... A-Alright…” Dipper wheezed, trying to get Mabel off him before he passed out.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Gideon sat in a giant leather padded chair at his table in The Club, reading over the menu as he waited for Mabel to arrive. Things had gone… less than perfectly on the last date, there were a bunch of unused fireworks that could attest to that. But all was not lost! He would use this opportunity to smooth things out with Mabel, and then he’d be back on track with wooing his soul mate. Just need to remember not to call her princess, and not to bring up-

“Ahem.”

‘ _Well, speak of the devil_ ,’ Gideon thought as he put down his menu.

The male Pines twin was sitting in the chair across from Gideon, looking at the child performer with his usual flat, emotionless expression. Gideon managed to keep his smile up at the sight, and eyed the boy in front of him.

“Dipper Pines,” Gideon said in an acknowledging greeting. “How are you? You look good, you look good.”

“Yeah,” Dipper said, not buying into the pleasantries act. “Look, Gideon, we’ve got to talk. Mabel isn’t going to be joining you tonight.”

Gideon's eye gave a slight twitch at that. “Oh, did something come up? She could’ve called me instead of making you come all the way up here.”

“Nothing came up,” Dipper said bluntly. “Mabel isn’t coming because she doesn’t want to see you anymore. Sorry, I guess?”

Gideon’s eye twitched again, this time more visibly. “... What?”

Dipper noted the twitch, and at that picked up the steak knife on his spot on the table. He twirled it a bit, before placing his other hand on the table and started casually playing the knife game, not even looking at his hands.

“Yeah, she doesn’t really like how you treat her,” Dipper explained, his stabbing hand speeding up a bit. “And she doesn’t like how you keep guilting her into these dates. She said one and done, and this is the third you’ve tried getting her to go on. That, and you’re kinda creepy.”

Gideon hummed, smiling just a bit too wide. “And tell me, why isn’t Mabel here telling me herself?”

“Because she’s too nice to do this,” Dipper said as he suddenly drove the knife into the table, letting the utensil stick straight up as he let go. “She couldn’t bear to hurt your feelings, so I’m doing it for her.”

“So what you’re sayin’ is... you’ve… come between us…” Gideon said, his eye twitching yet again.

“You’re not gonna freak out or anything, are ya?” Dipper asked as he very clearly eyed the knife, his tone lowering as if daring Gideon to cause problems.

“Of course not,” Gideon said, immediately moving into a more natural tone. “These things happen. Bygones, you know.”

Dipper blinked, a bit surprised, before lightening his own voice back to his usual uninterested sound. “Okay, cool. Then again, sorry about your night and all. But you know, plenty of fish in the sea, or whatever.”

With that fairly lackluster goodbye, Dipper stood from his chair and walked out of The Club. Gideon watched the boy leave, his pleasant smile remaining as his eyes narrowed at Dipper’s back.

“ **Cool indeed, my friend…** ”

Meanwhile, Dipper let out a long exhale as he exited the building. He looked to the side to see Mabel leaning against the wall, nervously tapping her fingers.

“How’d it go?” Mabel asked frantically. “Was he mad? Did he try to read your mind with his psychic powers?”

“Don’t worry, Mabel, he’s just a kid,” Dipper responded. “He doesn’t have any powers.”

 

**_… retaL, ni s’noediG moordeb…_ **

 

“Dipper Pines…” Gideon growled, breath heavy with anger. “You don’t know what you’ve done!”

At that, Gideon grabbed the jewel on his bolo tie, the gem beginning to glow an unearthly blue.  The light bulbs on his boudoir suddenly exploded, and the boy’s globe, candle, desk, and even dresser began floating in the air, all consumed by the glow.

“You’ve just made the biggest mistake of your life!” Gideon shouted as he threw down all the floating objects, smashing them apart on the floor.

“Gideon Charles Gleeful!” his father said, opening the door to his son’s room at the noise. “Clean up your room this instant!”

“I CAN BUY AND SELL YOU, OLD MAN!!!” Gideon shrieked.

“… Fair enough,” Bud said as he closed the door, leaving his son to his rage fit.

 

**14-21-3   19-1-9-14   10-21 5-21-1  0-14-15-20-17  8-1-10  13-18-11-11-12-1-18  25-11-18-18-25  12-21-24?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a witty start for this chapter note.  
> ... Yeah.  
> Anyway, welcome back to Fighting in the Falls. So I ran into an issue with the last chapter where the end note from the prologue chapter transitioned to the next. I tried to fix it, but couldn't figure it out. If anyone knows how to fix it, please let me know.  
> But yeah, other than that, not much else to say on this chapter. I tried splitting the episode in half, but it ended up being more 70-30. Oops. I'll get better at this, I swear. Either that or I'll go crazy. We'll see which happens first.  
> I think that's all for now. Let me know if there's any pointers or criticisms you have on the story, I'd love to hear them. With that said, have a great day, and take care.


	4. The Twilight Friendzone

“Hit me, dude!” Soos shouted.

Dipper and Mabel charged with all their strength at the handyman, who had several pillows stuffed under his shirt to protect him. They managed to push him back a few steps but Soos was surprisingly sturdy. The twins followed up with a series of punches meant to offset Soos’ balance, before trying to shoulder-check him again. But apparently Soos wasn’t as off-balance as they thought though. Their impact was met by the handyman jutting out his stomach as they made impact, knocking the kids back on the grass.

“Feels good,” Soos said as he wiped a bead of sweat off his forehead.

Mabel started laughing as Dipper sat up, a smile making its way across his face. Soos had agreed to be their punching bag out on the lawn in front of the Shack. For Dipper it was just an excuse to get some work out time in, but for Mabel it was a chance to have fun and blow off some steam from the whole Gideon thing. And from the looks of things, it appeared to be working.

“I’m so glad everything’s back to normal!” Mabel said as she sat up and stretched her arms out.

“Sure you wouldn’t rather be doing ‘girl stuff’?” Dipper asked as he rose to his feet, brushing off his shorts off.

“Naw,” Mabel answered as she stood up. “It’s fun sometimes, but I think I’ve had enough girl fun for a while. Round two, Soos?”

“Come at me, girl-dude,” Soos said, patting his protected stomach.

Before the twins could start again however, they both heard the phone ring through the open front door.

“Your turn,” Mabel said.

“Your- aw, man…” Dipper grumbled as he walked back inside and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper,” came the voice over the phone.

“Oh, uh, hey,” Dipper said awkwardly. “Sorry for accusing you of murder last week.”

“Water under the bridge!” Toby responded. “Say, we want to interview you about whether you’ve seen anything unUSUAL about this here TOWN since you’ve arrived.”

Dipper raised an eyebrow, both at the request and the strange man’s inflections. “Really? You want to hear _my_ theories about Gravity Falls?”

“Yepper-doodle,” Toby said. “Are you interested?”

“Sure,” Dipper answered simply.

“GreAT,” Toby said. “Meet me at 412 GOPHer Road tonight, and you can tell me all you’ve WITnessed.”

“Cool, see you then,” Dipper said, promptly hanging up the phone.

 

**_… tahT thgin, ta 214 rehpoG doaR…_ **

 

Dipper walked into the old abandoned factory, the rusted door creaking loudly as he entered. The place was pitch dark and silent as the grave.

“Hello?” he called into the dark, his voice echoing a bit.

Receiving no answer, he shrugged and turned to leave, when the door behind him loudly slammed shut. At that the dim electric lights flickered on, lighting up the large room. Dipper turned back and was able to see a swivel chair by the far windows. The chair suddenly spun around, revealing Gideon, petting a small doll of himself.

“Hello friend,” the suit-clad boy said.

“Gideon,” Dipper deadpanned, rolling his eyes. “What a surprise…”

“Dipper Pines,” Gideon said in his sweet serial killer voice. “How long have been livin’ in this town? A week, two? You like it here? Enjoy the sce- Why do you have a bat?”

“For you,” Dipper said as he tapped the bat he’d been holding behind himself on the sole of his shoe. “Tobey, I guy I met once when I tried to get him arrested, calls me out of nowhere and says he’s interested in hearing about weird things going on in the town. An interest that I never told him about. And he wants to meet in an abandoned building on the outskirts of town instead of, oh I don’t know, his office? And all of this conveniently happens LITERALLY THE DAY AFTER I told you Mabel wasn’t interested in you. Didn’t exactly need to be a psychic to figure out where this was going.”

“Well, well,” Gideon said, almost sounding impressed. “It appears I underestimated you, Dipper Pines. You’re more clever than I thought. But you were still dumb enough to come he-”

“What do you want from me, man?” Dipper asked, thoroughly bored with the little performer ripping his villainous speeches straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. “Is this about Mabel? I told you, she’s not into you!”

“ **LIAR!** ” Gideon shouted, his voice booming off the walls as he jumped from his chair and began marching toward Dipper. “YOU turned her against me! She was my peach dumplin’!”

Dipper cocked an eyebrow and raised his baseball bat. “You sure you wanna do this, pretty boy?”

“Oh, very sure, friend…” Gideon breathed as he grabbed the jewel on his bolo tie.

Dipper noted a weird tingling feeling spread across his body, and when he looked down he saw he was glowing blue. With a swing of his free hand, Gideon suddenly sent Dipper flying back into a pile of boxes containing Li’l Gideon dolls. The impact didn’t hurt much, since the boxes were cardboard and packed with copious amounts of styrofoam, but Dipper was on high alert regardless.

‘ _Okay…_ ’ Dipper thought, a little winded from the sudden throw. ‘ _So Gideon might actually have powers after all…_ ’

“‘Might’?” Gideon asked, reveling in the shocked look on Dipper’s face. “Guess I’ll hafta be a bit more CONVINCING!”

Gideon lifted his free hand, and various items around the room began glowing that strange blue glow and lifting off the ground. Gideon flicked his fingers and a file cabinet shot at Dipper. The boy rolled out of the way just before the huge metal object crashed into the ground. Easily transitioning to his feet, Dipper ran at Gideon, but the shorter boy simply flicked his hand at his target, and the various boxes and a chair floating in the air all flew at Dipper.

Gideon peered into Dipper’s mind, looking for the direction the boy would dodge so he could redirect the projectiles. Gideon was surprised to find no thoughts of dodging or countering. Did he plan on getting hit?

As the first box got a mere two feet away, Dipper suddenly whipped his bat around and knocked the box aside, spilling its contents of Gideon plushies.

Gideon’s eyes widened. ‘ _What?! He didn’t think about doing that, he just…!_ ’

Dipper did the same as the other objects were sent flying at him. The boxes were all broken apart as they were sent away, spilling Gideon brand T-Shirts and lamb shears (why did he have those again?), and breaking apart the chair Gideon had been sitting in. Gideon’s surprised face morphed into something more smug as he realized what was going on.

‘ _I see,_ ’ Gideon thought. ‘ _You’re relying on instinct so I can’t read you. Good way to counter my attacks, but…_ ’

As Dipper made it to Gideon, he swung his bat right at the smaller boy’s head. However, Gideon effortlessly ducked, the weapon flying right over his huge hair. Dipper’s momentum carried him past his assailant, and he skidded to a stop a few feet behind Gideon.

“Very clever with your countering trick,” Gideon said casually, not bothering to turn around.

Dipper ran at Gideon again, pulling his bat back in another swing. Without looking, Gideon did a quick sidestep, avoiding the vertical swing. Growling, Dipper made another swing, and another, and another, but Gideon kept dodging without so much as a glance.

“Problem is,” Gideon spoke as he dodged, “you can’t take a swing at me without thinking about how you’re gonna do it, where you wanna hit.”

Gideon laughed as Dipper growled in frustration. With a wide sweep, Dipper aimed to collide his bat straight into Gideon’s side. With a quick hand motion, the bat came to a screeching halt in mid air, glowing the unearthly blue. Gideon used his powers to rip the bat from Dipper’s hands, and finally turned to face the taller boy.

“You’re out of your league, Pines,” Gideon said. “This town has secrets you can’t begin to comprehend. If you thought you could handle the truth of this town just because you can hit things real hard, well…”

Gideon flicked his fingers, sending the bat flying at Dipper. The taller boy rolled out of the way as the bat zipped past him, crashing out the windows facing the cliffside. Dipper scrambled back up to his feet, intent on charging Gideon again. However, as soon as he tried, Gideon grabbed him in the blue energy. Dipper strained, trying to push forward, but his body was held firmly in place. Gideon cackled as he lifted his foe in the air, pinning Dipper’s arms to his side. Gideon glanced to the side and saw the busted up box of Li’l Gideon Sheep Shears.

‘ _Oooooooh,_ ’ Gideon thought, an insidious grin spread across his face. ‘ ** _That’s_** _why we have those!_ ’

Gideon went into a full evil laugh as he levitated the shears slowly and menacingly toward his captive. Dipper’s eyes widened as he tried thrashing against his psychic bonds, but could barely move an inch. Gideon continued his mad laughing fit, pulling his fingers into a curl, and…

Flick.

The razor-sharp shears shot at Dipper.

Mabel’s face flashed through his mind.

No.

No, he wouldn’t die here. He couldn’t just leave Mabel behind. They would stick together through thick and thin. They’d always have each other’s back. NO WAY was Dipper going to leave Mabel alone in the world, especially not because of some **brat with stupid hair!**

Dipper’s eyes suddenly ran red, and the sound of rushing wind briefly filled his ears. Gideon’s psychic glow disappeared with a start and Dipper fell, tumbling into a roll as he landed. The shears sailed through where his head had been mere seconds before, crashing through the back window.

“ **_What!?!_ ** ” Gideon exclaimed in shock.

Barely wasting a moment, Dipper charged at Gideon again. Recovering from his surprise, Gideon gripped Dipper with his powers again, holding the boy in place. This only lasted for a second, as Dipper’s eyes flashed red again and he tore through his psychic binding like wet paper.

‘ _How is he doin’ this!?!_ ’ Gideon thought frantically. ‘ _Does he have some trinket that counters my bolo tie!?_ ’

Gideon scanned through Dipper’s mind, desperately searching for an answer. Gideon rarely ever full-dived into a person’s thoughts. Without focus on a specific thought to look for, the experience was incredibly disorienting. Even more so if the person wasn’t actively thinking about what you wanted. Then you needed to look into their subconscious, and that could be so confusing you wouldn’t even be able to process what you’d seen. But in this case he was willing to risk the headache to find out what the heck was going on.

He sifted through Dipper’s forefront thoughts- BOY, he had come up with a remarkable number of ways to hurt Gideon. Elbows, nose, ruptured eardrums, and- _was that a corpse disposal method!?_

Taking note of that particular detail for the future, Gideon began looking for anything Dipper could be using to fight the shorter boy’s powers, but found nothing related. No wait, he wasn’t finding anything at all. Gideon squinted as he tried reading ANY of Dipper’s thoughts, but couldn’t get a single one. The more psychic energy he tried pushing into Dipper’s mind, the more it seemed to just not do anything. It was as if Dipper’s mind had become a void, sucking away Gideon’s powers. When he actually felt the energy from his amulet grow weaker, Gideon broke off the mental connection.

‘ _What in blazes!?!_ ’ Gideon thought. ‘ _How is he- Whoa!_ ’

Gideon, realizing Dipper was still coming at him, quickly stumbled back and narrowly avoided a haymaker thrown his way. Panicking, Gideon sent a pulse of psychic energy at Dipper to knock him back. When the psionic wave impacted the taller boy however, he merely stopped for a moment, acting as though he had only been lightly shoved instead of being hit with a force that should’ve sent him flying across the room. Once he regained his balance, Dipper sprinted at Gideon again, his angry red eyes giving the look of a demon on the warpath.

“G-Get away from me!” Gideon shouted, a look of fear crossing his face as he slid the busted up file cabinet along the floor at Dipper, his amulet not having recovered enough energy to throw it.

Dipper was snapped out of his rage by the pile of metal sliding rapidly at him. Reacting just a bit too late to dodge, he instead braced for the hit and grabbed the cabinet. His shoes skidded along the ground as he attempted to stop the cabinet, his eyes once again going red at the effort. The psychic energy vanished from the makeshift battering ram, and with a strong push from Dipper to kill the last of the momentum, he and the cabinet came to a stop a few inches from the far wall.

Gideon, unable to see what had happened, took a few steps forward, his hand slowly lowering from his bolo tie to allow the jewel time to recharge. After his third hesitant step, he was startled by Dipper throwing the cabinet aside, the mashed metal toppling over as he did. The taller boy hunched over a bit, his breathing heavy. He locked eyes with Gideon, glaring at the younger boy, whose own eyes were wide with a combination of awe, curiosity, and fear.

“What…” Gideon started. “What are yo-?”

A sudden crash came from one of the side windows as a four-pronged hook on a rope shot through the glass and hooked onto the amulet on Gideon’s tie. With a yank, the hook tore the jewel off and zipped back through the window, gone as quickly as it had appeared.

“Wh-What just-!?”

“It pays to have someone who’s got your back,” Dipper interrupted, the red vanishing from his eyes as his expression softened. “Mabel always pulls through when I need her.”

“Mabel?!” Gideon exclaimed, glaring at Dipper with hatred.

Dipper closed his eyes and gave a bored shrug, evidently no longer considering Gideon a threat without the magic amulet. “How do you think I knew it was you? Probably shouldn’t have tried to lure me off to a place you’d already taken he- ARGH!”

Dipper’s cocky taunting was cut off suddenly by Gideon, who charged the boy in a blind rage. The tackle sent them both flying through the busted window and over the side of the cliff.

“ **YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME!!!** ” Gideon shrieked as he gripped Dipper’s collar and punched the boy repeatedly in the face.

Dipper reacted, grabbing Gideon’s collar. With a quick tug, Dipper yanked the shorter boy toward him, and slammed his forehead into Gideon’s nose. The headbutt caused both boys to let go, and through the shared pain, both realized they were still falling.

“ **AHHHHHHHH!!!** ” they both screamed as they braced for the deadly impact with the ground.

But it never came.

Dipper looked and saw himself surrounded by a now familiar blue glow, the tingling sensation spread over his body again. With a glance to his side he saw Gideon in a similar position, each of them floating a few inches above the grassy ground in the forest.

With a soft “thud”, the two fell harmlessly to the ground. Dipper picked himself up, his legs a bit shaky from falling like, seventy feet (or something like that, I dunno). Gideon slowly rose to his feet, wiping away the blood gushing from his nose with his hand. Both looked up and saw their savior descend to them.

Mabel touched down on the ground, and the blue glow around her faded. She held her grappling hook in one hand, and Gideon’s tie in her other. She took a deep breath before turning to the shorter boy.

“Gideon,” she said, “I’m sorry I didn’t break up with you myself. It was wrong of me to have Dipper do it for me.”

“Mabel, my marshmella,” Gideon spoke, his eyes beginning to water. “Does that mean we aren’t…?”

Mabel shook her head, a sad smile on her face. “Hey, but we can still be makeover buddies, right? Wouldn’t you like that?”

Gideon smiled hopefully. “... Really?”

Mabel smiled back, looking happy. She opened her mouth and-

“No, not really!” the girl abruptly shouted as she threw the amulet, causing it to shatter against a rock. “You were trying to kill my brother, what the heck?!”

“MY POWERS!” Gideon shrieked.

“Listen Gideon, it’s over,” Mabel said with finality. “I will never, ever, date you.”

Gideon looked at the girl, momentarily unable to comprehend he had been well and truly rejected. Once his brief state of denial passed, however, a look of anger took over his features.

“Oh no, this isn’t over,” Gideon insisted with a glare as he backed into the shadowy brush. “This isn’t the last you’ll see of wittle... ol’... me!”

With that the twins were alone. Dipper smiled at their victory, before wincing. He was going to have one heck of a shiner on his left eye. Mabel meanwhile, let out a breath, the stress of the situation finally easing from her. The two glanced at each other. Mabel grinned, about to congratulate her brother for his epic fight, when-

“You realize you could’ve kept the tie, right? Might’ve come in handy.”

Mabel’s jaw dropped.

The walk back to the Shack was filled with rambling excuses and explanations of why smashing the jewel was totally necessary for dramatic and symbolic reasons.

 

**_… retaL, ni s’noediG moor…_ **

 

“ _Gideon, I still love you,_ ” Gideon said in a poor imitation of Mabel’s voice as he played with a doll made in her likeness. “ _If only my family weren’t in the way._ ”

Gideon glanced at the exposed pages of a book lying open on his desk, skimming the contents describing his now smashed amulet as he reached for a doll resembling Stan.

“ _Look at me,_ ” Gideon said in a crotchety old person voice. “ _I’m old, and I’m smelly._ ”

Gideon grunted in annoyance that the page on his former tie said nothing about how to make it, or where to find another. Giving up on that idea, he closed his book and grabbed a doll that looked like Dipper.

“ _Hey,_ ” Gideon said in a low, dumb voice, “ _what are you gonna do without your precious amulet?_ Oh you’ll see boy…”

Gideon gained a sadistic smile as he looked at the reflection of his face in the golden six-fingered hand on the book’s cover, a black “2” printed on the palm.

“You’ll see…”

 

**13-1-11-25-25  5-21-1 9-21-1-18-10   25-7-5 13-15-10-11-21-20’-25   “20-1-19-8-11-24 0-3-21”, 7-19-15-24-15-0-11?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo-Hoo! Gideon got hit in the face! Best day ever!  
> Gideon hatred aside, this chapter was pretty interesting to write. I got a friend of mine to help out with editing, so hopefully that means that the coming chapters will be of higher quality now. On top of that, I FINALLY got the chapter to be shorter. Sure, it was a bit TOO short, but progress is progress.  
> Huh? What's that? You don't care about behind the scenes trivia? You want to know what the heck happened in the fight with Gideon's powers? Well you see, that was because [*This section of the end note has been redacted due to spoilers*]. Hope that cleared things up.  
> Anyway, as usual, thank you for reading. Leave a comment about any likes, dislikes, and questions you may have about the story. I read and respond to them all.  
> With that said, have a great day, and THE THING THAT HAPPENED IN THE FIGHT WAS-[*Transmission ended because of spoilers*]


	5. An Inconvenient Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important stuff at the end notes.

It had been a pretty quiet day in the Mystery Shack. The tour groups had been small, and pretty spaced out through the day. That suited Dipper fine. He didn’t like having to deal with people, so not having to constantly put up with his Grunckle’s scamming was a welcome change.

He sat in the gift shop on a box next to the cashier counter, holding the Journal open with one hand and a pencil in his other. He had spent the day reading through the book and making notes and additions with the information he’d discovered since coming to Gravity Falls. Gnome Weakness: incapable of functioning without a leader. Gobblewonker: fake. A new section on living wax statues, and a section on whatever that amulet was that Gideon had used. Though, that last one was admittedly pretty small, since aside from how it worked, Dipper didn’t really know anything about it.

The boy sighed as he reflected on the miniscule addition. He hadn’t made as much progress as he would’ve hoped. He hadn’t even finished reading all that the Author had written before disappearing (the Journal was surprisingly dense, content-wise). And while he hadn’t yet read all of it, nothing in the book seemed to hint at who this mysterious “he” was. Dipper had briefly entertained the notion the mystery man was Gideon, but quickly dismissed that theory. This Journal was written decades ago, so unless Gideon had some special item that kept him young, there was no way he could be the culprit.

Dipper hummed, realizing that in this town even something as far fetched as that wasn’t a possibility that could simply be dismissed out of hand. Still, Gideon being this “he” didn’t seem very likely, which didn’t really narrow the suspect list any.

But on another note, how did Gideon come across that amulet anyway? Did he just get lucky, or did something tell him where to find it, or maybe how to make it? Gideon was the first time Dipper had encountered another human who seemed to have a grasp on the weird stuff happening in Gravity Falls. For a child to be so aware when the adults seemed not to be, well… The only reason Dipper knew as much as he did was because of the Journal, so was it possible Gideon had a Journal too? Dipper knew there were at least two others out there, and Gideon did seem pretty well-informed about the supernatural. Or at least, he seemed to think he knew more than Dipper did.

The boy looked up from the Journal, and saw his sister sitting and spinning on a fairly large globe on the cashier counter.

Mabel had been through enough with Gideon for now. He would talk to her about his theory about the psychotic performer holding a Journal later, when she’d had some time to not worry about her latest dating fiasco.

Looking back down at the Journal, Dipper saw he had turned to the section on ghosts. Dipper had never been much of one to believe in ghosts or the afterlife. To him, dead was always just… dead. Did that say something about his cynicism that, even after what he’d seen so far in Gravity Falls, he still had trouble believing things like that?

“Mabel, do you believe in ghosts?” Dipper asked his sister abruptly.

“I believe you’re a big dork!” Mabel responded as she spun on the globe. “Ha ha ha!”

Rolling his eyes, Dipper stuck his pencil against the spinning globe, stopping it in its tracks and sending his sister tumbling to the floor.

“ _ Wasted… _ ” Wendy said with a chuckle at the exchange.

Mabel grumbled as Dipper snickered at her picking herself up. But before she could come up with some kind of comeback, Stan burst through the front of the gift shop in his usual brash and loud fashion.

“Soos!” Stan called. “Wendy!”

Wendy stepped out from behind the cashier counter, an air of carelessness about her, while Soos came running in from another room.

“What’s up, Mr. Pines?” Soos asked, panting slightly.

“I’m headin’ out,” Stan told his workers. “You two are gonna wash the bathrooms, right?”

“Yes, sir!” Soos said with a salute.

“Absolutely not!” Wendy said with a similar salute.

Stan laughed as he left. “You stay out of trouble!”

Wendy peeked through the front window, looking as Stan walked off, got in his car, and drove away from the Shack. She grinned and waltzed toward a strange curtain in the corner of the store.

“Hey guys!” Wendy said, grabbing the twins attention as she pulled aside the curtain. “What’s this? A secret ladder to the roof?”

“Uh…” Soos started as he looked at the ladder. “I don’t think Mr. Pines would like that.”

“Huh?” Wendy asked, holding her hand out in a… in a…  _ some _ kind of, stopping gesture?

“Uhhhhh…” Soos mumbled, clearly confused.

“ _ Huuuh? _ ” Wendy repeated with a strange tone inflection.

“You’re freaking me out, dude!” Soos declared.

“... Can we actually go up there?” Dipper asked, dubious at the idea.

“Sure we can!” Wendy said. “Roof time! Roof time!”

“Roof time! Roof time!” Mabel chanted with a smile as she followed Wendy up the ladder.

Dipper watched his sister go up the ladder and through the trap door in the ceiling. With a shrug, he began to follow them up.

‘ _ Huh, _ ’ Dipper thought as his head poked through the trap door and he saw one of the slants of the roof. ‘ _ I wonder how much a fall from here would hurt. _ ’

“C’mon, Bro!” Mabel called as she followed Wendy over the highest arch of the roof, leading away from the giftshop part of the Shack.

Dipper crawled up the shingles after the two girls, and peered over the top of the house. What he saw was a flat protrusion in the roof, which seemed to extent for a window in one of the second story rooms. The flat area was large enough to hold a beach chair, a huge umbrella to provide shade for said beach chair, a cooler, and a… bucket of pinecones. For some reason.

Dipper slid down the shingles until he was on the outstretch with the girls, noting that there was plenty of room even with the three of them.

“Did you put all this stuff up here?” Dipper asked, somewhat impressed by the set up (if confused by the bucket of pinecones).

“I may or may not sneak up here during work,” Wendy said. “All the time, everyday.”

At that, she reached down and picked up a pinecone from the bucket. With a wink at the twins, she pitched the pinecone at a piece of paper with a bullseye on the totem pole across the parking lot. It hit the target dead center.

“Yes!” Wendy said, pumping her fist in victory.

“Cool,” Dipper said with an approving nod.

“My turn!” Mabel exclaimed as she picked up a pinecone of her own.

With a pitch befitting of their school’s star baseball player, Mabel sent her pinecone straight into the target, getting a bullseye of her own and shattering the cone with the force of her throw.

“Aw yeah!” Mabel exclaimed, getting a fist bump from Wendy. “Your turn, Dippin’ Sauce.”

Dipper glared at his sister and the smirk on her face. She knew Dipper couldn’t pitch worth crap, it was one of the reasons he didn’t play baseball at their school. She full well expected him to fail and for it to be  _ so funny. _ Dipper was about to say how he wasn’t going to participate in some stupid game just so Mabel could get a laugh, when he saw the enthusiastic smile Wendy was giving him and the comment died in his throat.

Dipper gave a sigh. “Fine, fine…”

He picked up a cone from the bucket and stepped closer to the edge of the platform. He gained a grimace that the girls couldn’t see, already knowing he was screwed. There was no way he was going to hit the target. He’d be lucky to even make it across the parking lot. The parking lot…

Dipper glanced down and saw what he’d hoped for. He quickly slung the pinecone down, and it hit a car parked next to the Shack. He grinned as the impact caused the car’s alarm to go off. Mission accomplished.

“Jackpot!” Wendy said with a laugh, extending a hand to Dipper. “High-five!”

Dipper looked at the older girl, and paused. The soft colors of the sky as the sun hesitantly began to set, the way her red hair blew in the gentle breeze, her smile. Dipper wasn’t one for photography, but this seemed like a picture perfect moment.

“... Don’t leave me hangin’,” Wendy said with a bit of her laugh on her breath.

Dipper resisted the urge to look away out of embarrassment at being caught staring (wait, why had he been staring?), and high-fived the red head. He even managed a smile that he was pretty sure looked natural.

Wendy suddenly looked up as something caught her eye. “Oh hey, it’s my friends!”

Dipper and Mabel looked out and saw a van pulling up to the Shack. They couldn’t see who was in it, but when it reached the Shack an arm poked out of the driver’s window.

“Wendy!” the driver called as his arm motioned for her to come join them.

Wendy waved back as she approached the edge of the platform, but looked back at the twins. “Hey, you guys aren’t going to tell Stan about this, are you?”

Dipper, in a moment of unusual playfulness, made a zipping motion across his grinning lips as his answer. Wendy mimicked the motion, as if to say this would stay their little secret. Mabel never answered, instead too interested by her brother’s sudden out of character behavior.

“Later dorks!” Wendy said as she stepped off the ledge.

Both twins’ eyes widened at Wendy’s chosen method of leaving, but any worry they’d had was soon replaced with awe as Wendy grabbed onto one of the close by pine trees, let her weight bend the top over, effortlessly transitioned to a smaller tree, and let that tree carry her to the ground. Dipper was rarely impressed by anything, but as Wendy got into the van and the car drove off, he found that pretty much everything about the lumberjack girl impressed him.

Dipper looked back to his sister, who was leaning closer to him and had a knowing smirk on her face that gave him a bad feeling. “... What?”

“Somebody’s in  _ looooove~! _ ” Mabel practically sang as she poked her brother’s cheek.

Dipper scoffed as he swatted his sister’s hand away. “Sure Mabel, that’s exactly what’s going on here. I’ve fallen in love with a girl I barely know. You totally haven’t been reading too many romance novels or anything.”

With a quick rustle of Mabel’s hair, Dipper walked back to the arch of the roof to go back down the ladder.

“Love”.

Yeah right.

 

**_… ehT txen yad, ni eht kcahS pohstfig…_ **

 

“Random dance party for no reason!” Mabel declared as she played music and began freestyling.

“Go! Go! Go! Go!” Wendy cheered as she joined in.

Dipper glanced up from the Journal, and decided that was something he definitely  _ didn’t _ want to do. He went back to reading, currently on an article about sentient golf balls or something (seriously?), when-

“Dipper!” Wendy called over to the boy.

Dipper glanced back up and saw Wendy looking at him. “Yeah?”

“Aren’t ya gonna get in on this?” the redhead asked.

“… I don’t really dance,” Dipper answered, trying not to sound rude.

“Don’t waste your time,” Mabel told Wendy with a dismissive hand wave. “He’s a total Dipstick in the mud.”

Dipper glared at his sister. Loudly closing the Journal, he stood up and walked over to his sister. He got in her face and narrowed his eyes at her.

“ **What was that?** ” Dipper asked with a unnecessarily intense voice.

“ **You freaking heard me,** ” Mabel responded in kind.

Wendy blinked. “... You two aren’t gonna like, kill each other, are ya…?”

Both twins looked at Wendy, their faces immediately switching to looks of innocent confusion, and asked at the same time, “No, why?”

Wendy gave an odd chuckle at their… antics(?), when her phone started beeping. “Hey, look at that! Quittin’ time! The gang’s waitin’ for me.”

“Hey, Wendy!” Mabel called as the red head began to leave. “Can we hang out with you and your friends?”

“Ooh... I don’t know,” Wendy said hesitantly. “How old are you guys again?”

“We’re thirteen!” Mabel said quickly with a smile.

Dipper cast his sister a sidelong glance. “Mabel, we’re only tw-”

The boy was cut off by his twin quickly elbowing him in the ribs.

“So, technically a teen!” Mabel said with an innocent, ear-to-ear smile as Dipper turned away and tried to repress his trembling.

“... All right,” Wendy said, quirking an eyebrow. “Let me get my stuff.”

“... M-Mabel, why’d you lie?” Dipper wheezed as he tried to push past the pain from her strike, before muttering, “ _... That hurt… _ ”

“Come on,” Mabel said. “This is our chance to hang out with the cool kids.”

“Stan’s not gonna like this,” Dipper said as he righted himself, getting his breathing under control.

“Nah,” Mabel dismissed. “I- ehm, WE are old enough be messing around outside at night. I mean, we can handle anything that comes our way, right? So no worries.”

“... You do know you’re only five minutes older than me, right ‘Big Sis’?” Dipper responded with a smirk.

“Oh hey, what’s that?” Mabel asked suddenly, pointing at something through the window.

“Huh?” Dipper asked, reflexively looking where his sister gestured.

With a deadpan look Mabel flipped the bottom of Dipper’s letterman jacket over his head. Dipper sighed, unable to believe he actually fell for that, and Mabel got a smug grin on her face, crossing her arms proudly.

 

**_… retaL, edistuo eht kcahS…_ **

 

Waiting for them in front of the Mystery Shack was one of the strangest sights Dipper had seen in a while (and considering what his stay in Gravity Falls had been like, that was saying something). Two guys, one in a black skull T-shirt and another in an orange thumbs up T-shirt, were holding a larger shirtless guy up in a handstand as a guy in a black hoodie tried to through jelly beans in his belly button.

‘ _ These are Wendy’s friends? _ ’ Dipper thought upon seeing the display. ‘ _ Oh, I can already tell this is going to be  _ greeeeeaat _ … _ ’

Wendy got her friends’ attention by discreetly swiping a bean from the unattended bag behind hoodie boy, and effortlessly lodging the candy in the upside down boy’s belly button. Their heads all snapped to the redhead and they all exclaimed, “Wendy!”

“Wendy! Wendy!” skull shirt guy chanted.

“Hey guys!” Wendy said as she gestured to the twins. “These are my pals from work, Mabel and Dipper.”

“So…” hoodie boy said with a dubious look, “are you, like, babysitting, or what?”

Both Dipper and Mabel’s eyes narrowed at that.

“ **... What did you say?** ” Dipper asked in a tone laced with quiet hostility.

“It’s the little babies’ bedtime, already!” hoodie boy taunted, annoyed the younger kids were apparently trying to intrude on his friends’ fun.

“Robbie!” Wendy snapped at hoodie boy, apparently named Robbie.

Wendy was about to get him to give an apology (it wouldn’t be genuine, but she’d take what she could get) when both she and Robbie were surprised by Dipper suddenly surging forward. Like lightning, he had the older boy’s hoodie collar in his hand, a glare on Dipper’s face that made it very clear what he wanted to do.

“Wha-!?” Robbie sputtered in shock as Dipper pulled his free hand back into a fist.

Faster than Robbie could even process, Dipper threw his punch, aiming straight at Robbie’s face. But before the attack landed, Dipper’s grip on Robbie’s hoodie suddenly released, and not by the younger boy’s choice. Dipper’s eyes widened as he realised Wendy was standing between himself and his target, having pushed Robbie aside with her right hand and caught Dipper’s fist in her left.

‘ _ What the heck!? _ ’ Dipper exclaimed in his head. ‘ _ When did she do that!? I didn’t even see her- Oh my gosh, I hit Wendy! _ ’

Immediately pulling his fist back as if he’d been burned, Dipper stared at the redhead, looking for any sign of anger.

“Come on, Dipper,” Wendy said as she gave him a “it’s cool” smile. “Chill out, man.”

Dipper swallowed uncomfortably. “... Sorry.”

Wendy nodded, as if to end the matter, before walking to the van. “Let’s go!”

Robbie looked at Dipper, unsure about the younger boy, before following Wendy to the car.

“Don’t worry Bro-Bro,” Mabel whispered in a low voice as she passed her twin, “I’ll kick him for you.”

Mabel stepped to the van, but Dipper hung back. The young boy looked at his fist. He still could feel the light stinging on his fingers from when Wendy caught his attack. Wendy…

Dipper got an uneasy look on his face, a light dusting of pink appearing on his cheeks.

Holy crap, he hit Wendy. Well, she caught his punch, but still. He hit Wendy. He hit someone he liked. He hit a  _ girl _ . Despite all the fights he’d had, Dipper had NEVER hit a girl. That is, never beside when he and Mabel sparred. But the punch Wendy had caught was serious, meant to flatten someone. But she took it. And she  _ smiled _ …

Dipper’s blush grew. He would’ve been even more impressed with Wendy if the whole situation didn’t leave him mortified with himself.

Dipper was snapped out of his musings by a sudden cry of pain. He looked up and saw Robbie stumble forward, limping slightly on his right leg.

“Oops!” Mabel exclaimed in totally real surprise. “Sorry! Geez, how clumsy am I?”

Dipper managed to suppress a snicker at the sight. Shaking himself out of his funk, he made his way to the van. Dipper saw that the seats were almost all taken, so he sat in the back with Mabel.

“Okay,” Wendy said as the doors to the van were shut, “so introduction time, guys. This is Lee and Nate.”

Wendy gestured to thumbs up, Lee, and skull shirt, Nate, who were sitting in the middle row of the van with her. Upon being mentioned, the two guys began playfully punching each other. Mabel giggled at the back and forth, while Dipper simply logged their names in his memory.

“Tambry,” Wendy said, pointing next to Dipper.

The younger boy was confused, until he looked to his left and saw a teenage girl sitting next to him, speedily texting on her phone. Mabel yelped in surprise, while Dipper looked at Tambry with a sense of “what the heck, where did you come from”?

“Hey…” the girl said as she continued texting, not seeming to care that Dipper and Mabel hadn’t known she was there.

“Thompson,” Wendy continued as she pointed to the driver, the one who had been doing the handstand, “who once ate a run over waffle for 50 cents.”

“Don’t tell them that…” Thompson muttered in embarrassment.

“And Robbie,” Wendy said, pointing to the overly edgy boy in the passenger seat. “You can probably figure him out.”

“Yeah, I’m the guy who spray-painted the water tower,” Robbie bragged.

“Oh,” Dipper said with a smug grin, “you mean the big muffin?”

“Um, it’s a giant explosion,” Robbie said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

At that, everyone (except Tambry) looked out the van’s windows and saw the water tower, and Robbie’s graffiti.

“Hehe!” Lee laughed. “Kinda does look like a muffin!”

The rest of the teens laughed as well, save for Robbie. The hoodie wearing boy glared at Dipper, who simply kept his smug smile on his face. So maybe hurting Robbie was a no-go. Didn’t mean Dipper couldn’t screw with the older boy.

“Let’s hurry it up, Thompson,” Wendy said to the driver. “I got big plans for tonight!”

“Okay just,” Thompson started as he put the keys in the ignition, “before we go, my mom said you guys aren’t allowed to punch the roof anymore, so…”

At that, Wendy, Lee, Nate, and Robbie all began punching the roof of the van, chanting, “Thompson! Thompson! Thompson!”

Thompson groaned as he started the vehicle and drove off.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht kcahS…_ **

 

Stan sat slumped in his recliner in his underwear and undershirt, relaxing after a long day of scamming stupid people. The lights in the living room were off, and the TV was playing a random channel.

“You’re watching the black and white period piece old lady boring movie channel!” the TV announcer said.

“Kids!” Stan shouted. “I can’t find the remote and I refuse to stand up!”

“Stay tuned,” the announcer continued, “for the Friday night movie, ‘The Duchess Approves’. Starring Sturly Stembleburgiss as ‘The Duchess’ and Grampton St. Rumpterfrabble as irascible coxswain ‘Saunterblugget Hampterfuppinshire’!”

“KIDS!” Stan yelled, panicking as the movie began. “NO!  **_NOOOOOOOOOO!!!_ ** ”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, htiw eht sdik…_ **

 

Thompson parked the van next to a wire fence. The teens (and imposters) got out of the vehicle and approached the barrier. Dipper wondered what in the world they were doing there. On the other side he saw what looked like a convenience store, but it had definitely seen better days. In fact, the place looked like it hadn’t seen any attention in years.

“There it is, fellas!” Wendy declared to the group. “The condemned Dusk 2 Dawn!”

Lee and Nate mumbled their approval, excited about venturing into the decrepit shop.

“Neato!” Mabel said, not sure what they were doing, but excited nonetheless.

Dipper on the other hand, had an uneasy feeling about the place. “Why’d they shut it down?”

“ _ MURDER~! _ ” Nate exclaimed, trying to make it sound as scary as possible.

Dipper was unimpressed.

“Some folks died in there,” Lee explained. “The place has been haunted ever since!”

“This town has such a colorful history!” Mabel said with a giggle, apparently determined not to let anything ruin this night of fun.

“... Are you guys serious?” Dipper asked, remembering the passage on ghosts he’d read the day before.

“Yeah! We’re all gonna die!” Wendy said in a faux-terrified voice, before playfully punching Dipper’s shoulder. “C’mon man! It’s not as bad as it looks.”

At that, Wendy began climbing the fence, and when she reached the top she gestured for the rest to follow her. Nate and Lee went at the same time as Wendy dropped to the other side. Thompson almost fell a few times, but eventually made it up, where he promptly fell to the other side. Robbie slowly climbed over, trying to look like it was effortless for him despite clearly losing his footing twice. And Tambry-

Dipper blinked. Tambry was already on the other side of the fence, phone still in hand and texting away.

Dipper put Tambry’s apparent teleportation out of his mind for the moment, and he considered the store yet again. There was this nagging worry in the back of his mind. He couldn’t even tell what the feeling was, really. Just that the place felt…  _ off. _

“Hey Bro!” Mabel said, grabbing her brother’s attention. “Race?”

Dipper sighed. Right, this night was for Mabel. Her chance to hang with the cool kids. Don’t ruin it for her.

‘ _ Or yourself, _ ’ Dipper told himself. “Fine, sure. On the count of three.”

The twins readied themselves.

“Hurry it up already, slowpokes!” Robbie said, annoyed at being made to wait.

Dipper promptly ignored the teen as he prepared to start the count. “One. Tw-”

“NOW!” Mabel shouted as she jumped into action.

Dipper, fully used to Mabel pulling that stunt by then, launched up alongside his sister as they effectively jumped up the side of the fence, hands and feet only touching the metal wires for split seconds as they shot up the barrier like nothing. They each vaulted over the top, and tumble-rolled into their landings as they hit the ground at the exact same time. Over all, the whole thing was done and finished in about two seconds.

“Ha!” Mabel exclaimed as she rolled into standing. “I win!”

“It was a tie,” Dipper deadpanned. “It’s ALWAYS a tie.”

“Oh man, that was awesome!” Nate said.

“Pretty cool, little dudes!” Lee said as he fist bumped Mabel.

When he extended his fist to Dipper, the younger boy looked surprised for a moment. Dipper wasn’t really used to people being friendly with him, so this was… unusual. But after a few seconds of realizing he was leaving Lee hanging, he raised his own fist and lightly bumped Lee’s.

Wendy nodded in approval before approaching the store and peeking through the windows. “Wow! This place is amazing!”

Robbie tried to pull open the glass double doors, but was unsuccessful. “I think it’s, it’s stuck!”

“Let me take a crack at it,” Dipper said as he walked to the doors.

“Oh yeah,” Robbie said sarcastically, “I can’t get in, but I’m sure Junior here is gonna break it down like Hercules!”

Dipper rolled his eyes as he analyzed the doors. They were old school, with small metal sticks at the tops locking them in place. With some experimental tugs, he felt the hinges were loose enough that the doors could be pushed around slightly. He pushed down on the handles as hard as he could, and soon heard the pop of the sticks coming out of their hole in the doorframe. With that he pulled the doors open and stepped into store, spreading his arms and doing a light bow, as if to mock the ease of the task.

“Ladies,” he said with a smirk, “your kingdom awaits.”

Nate and Lee chuckled at the line clearly not meant for the actual ladies present, and Robbie huffed, looking away indignantly.

“Nice work, Dipper,” Wendy said, giving the boy a high five as she passed him.

“Good call inviting this little guy!” Lee said as he followed Wendy.

“Your new name is Dr. Funtimes!” Nate said as he entered the store.

Robbie sulked in, pointedly ignoring “Dr. Funtimes” as he did. Tambry… was already inside, when did that happen? Mabel skipped in, giving her brother another high-five as she did. Thompson entered with much more hesitance, his arms tucked nervously to his side.

“Do you guys really think it’s haunted?” the larger teen asked as the doors closed behind him.

“Na! Thompson are you kidding me?” Nate mocked, laughing.

The teens were so distracted by making fun of Thompson (a worthy passtime), that no one saw the “Yes, we’re open” sign flip to “Get lost! We’re closed” on its own.

**_SPOOOOOOOOOOKY~_ **

“Whoa man, it’s even creepier than I imagined!” Wendy said as she looked around the store.

Dipper saw the messy aisles, cracked tiling on the floor, peeling wallpaper, and copious amounts of spiderwebs. In his personal opinion, the place looked less “creepy” and more “hope you got your shots”.

Mabel looked at a tip bowl and swiped her finger along the old trinket. A thick coating of dust was on her finger. She glanced around for a moment, before sticking her tounge out and-

“Don’t lick it,” Dipper said, not even looking at his sister as he dusted off some newspapers.

Mabel blew a raspberry at her brother before wiping her finger off.

Dipper rolled his eyes as he looked at the paper. Nothing of importance seemed to be on the front page, but the date did catch his eye. May 2, 1995. That pretty much confirmed the store hadn’t been used in over two decades. Dipper thought back to the Journals. He suspected that they were written at least twenty years ago, but due to a lack of proper dates in the book it was hard to tell exactly when the Author had stopped. People murdered in the store over twenty years ago, huh?

“Hey dude, where do you think they keep the dead bodies?” Lee asked.

“Shut up, man!” Nate laughed as he shoved his friend.

“Hey,” Dipper spoke up, “does anyone actually know what happened in here?”

The teens looked at him, expecting a punchline of some kind, but their mojo petered out when they realized Dipper was serious.

“It was a long time ago, man,” Wendy said, uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. “Only ever heard the rumors. Don’t really wanna know all the grisly details, y’know?”

Dipper surveyed the faces of the group. It seemed his comment had snapped them out of their sense of wonder by reminding them that death had actually occurred in the establishment.

‘ _ So much for “Dr. Funtimes”... _ ’ Dipper thought. “Right, sorry.”

The teens nodded, silently agreeing not to bring up the subject again, before continuing to explore the store.

‘ _ It might be nothing, _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ but what if the murder here actually had something to do with whoever was after the Author? Maybe this guy has a hidden trail of bodies behind him. If that’s true, I might be able to to follow that trail straight back to the “he” and discover who he is. But I can do that later, on my own time. Now’s the time for trying to make friends, and not being the creepy kid asking about decades old murder. _ ’

Dipper put the newspaper back down and began roaming around the store with the others. Wendy made it to the back of the store, and found a couple of light switches next to an old ATM.

“Guys, check it out!” the red head called, drawing attention to her find. “You think these still work?”

With a few quick switch flips, the lights of the store came flickering on, illuminating the dark store. Not only that, but the slurpee machine whirred to life, and the security cameras turned on, display shown on a TV at the front of the store. Wendy’s friends muttered their approval at being able to see better, but Dipper was more interested in the fact that the lights still worked.

‘ _ Forget how old they are, _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ How’s a place that’s been condemned for twenty years still on the power grid? _ ’

“So what are we going to do now?” Mabel asked.

Wendy shrugged, a smirk adorning her face. “Anything we want.”

Immediately Wendy’s friends began yanking various food items off of the shelves and began messing with them. Lee and Nate got several Pit Cola two liters, opened them up, and popped in a bunch of mints. Everyone laughed as the large bottles erupted, spraying them all with soda. At that Nate started throwing the old and gooey snack cakes at Lee, and a food fight broke out. The group split into two groups: Wendy, Mabel, Nate, and Robbie on one side, and Lee, Thompson, Tambry, and Dipper on the other.

Well, only technically Dipper. The food slinging reminded him a bit too much of dodgeball, something he wasn’t too enthusiastic about (and his aim was still pretty trash, but no need to linger on that detail). So he didn’t throw anything, he just dodged everything with his hands in his pockets and a bored look on his face. After a couple minutes of this the other team realized that no one had managed to hit Dipper yet, and so everyone tried focusing Dipper. This proved to be a bad idea, as it gave the rest of his team a huge window to hit their opponents.

Mabel laughed as a Twinkie collided with her face, and her new friends ducked behind the aisles for cover. Wendy and Nate were laughing along, but Robbie frowned at being pushed back. He had been aiming at Dipper from the start, eager for a chance to pay the kid back, but hadn’t even come close to landing a shot. The most infuriating part was Dipper was totally aware that Robbie was singling him out, and had managed to dodge everything the older boy threw at him with the greatest of ease.

“Uh oh,” Wendy said as she looked at the aisle. “I think we’re out.”

“We’re out too!” Thompson called to them, apparently having heard Wendy.

“Dude!” Lee exclaimed. “Don’t tell them!”

“Sorry…”

Robbie looked down. He still had a Ding Dong in his hand that Wendy hadn’t seen. Everyone seemed to be winding down, relaxing their guard. He smirked, considering this to be the perfect opportunity.

Robbie jumped out from behind the aisle, instantly saw Dipper, and launched his final snack weapon at the boy.

Dipper reacted faster than Robbie could’ve expected. His hand shot out of his jacket pocket, grabbed the Ding Dong out of thin air, spun around to keep the momentum going, and shot the confection back at the teen in a mere second. Robbie’s eyes widened and closed just before the snack collided with his face.

The rest of the group exploded out into laughter and cheers. Robbie frowned as he wiped the chocolate goop off his face.

Dipper was actually surprised he’d landed the shot. He’d reacted purely on instinct, so maybe that meant his problem was that he over-thought his pitches? Questions for later.

At that, the teens all started going their own ways, messing around with whatever drew their attention. Mabel took a look at some of the things left on the shelves, until she saw a cardboard display with something she couldn’t believe.

“OhMyGosh!” Mabel exclaimed. “Smile Dip! I thought this stuff was banned in America!”

“Maybe they had a good reason,” Dipper said as he walked past her.

Ignoring her brother, Mabel grabbed a packet of Smile Dip from the display. She ripped the top off, pulled out the candy stick, licked said stick, and stuck it in the candy powder. She eyed the light coating on the candy stick, a giddy smile on her face.

She poured the entirety of the powder from the package into her mouth, ignoring the meager amount on the candy stick.

‘ _ What could possibly go wroooo _ ooo- WOOO **OOOOOAAAAH!!!** ’

That acid trip in progress aside, Dipper stepped through the aisles, not really sure what to do. He had never really done “hanging out” with people before, and now he was screwing around with a bunch of teens he barely knew. How had he gotten himself into this mess? Oh right, Mabel.

A brief image of Wendy flashed through his mind.

Dipper shook his head.

“Hey Dipper!” Wendy called to him.

Speak of the devil.

Dipper looked up and saw the redhead sitting on the top of one the aisles. She held two Neapolitan creamsicles, one in each hand. She gestured for Dipper to hop up and join her, offering one of the ice creams to the boy. After a moment of deliberation, Dipper crawled up and sat to her left. She handed him the pop and the two began eating them, Wendy smiling at the fun everyone was having.

“Dipper, this night is like, legendary,” Wendy said as she licked the creamsicle.

“Really?” Dipper asked blankly.

“Uh, yeah?” Wendy answered, like that should be obvious. “Just look around. The guys are bonding.”

Dipper watched as Robbie, Lee, and Nate shoved ice down Thompson’s pants, the four laughing as they did so.

“I’ve never even seen Tambry look up from her phone this long.”

Dipper noticed Tambry look up from her phone for a second or two as she continued her never-ending texting while sitting in a corner. He pushed down his feelings of jealousy at her being able to sit back and ignore everything.

“And looks like your sister’s going nuts with that Smile Dip.”

Dipper saw Mabel laying on the ground near the candy display.

“Ugh, maybe I’ve had too much…” Mabel mumbled to no one. “What do you think…?”

After a few seconds Mabel began pantomiming eating something large, and Dipper decided that he had no desire to know what Mabel was seeing.

Wendy chuckled at the sight, but when she looked back at Dipper her face fell. “You’re not having fun, are you?”

“What? No, no,” Dipper insisted. “I’m having fun, loads of fun-”

“Okay dude, Imma stop you right there,” Wendy said, cutting the boy off. “It’s all over your face, man. You only came because of your sister, right?”

Dipper took a bite out of his ice cream, nodding guiltily at being found out.

Wendy let out a disappointed sigh. “Well, I’m sorry we dragged you along on this whole thing.”

“No, it’s fine,” Dipper countered. “Sure, Mabel’s the main reason I came, but I did want to hang out with you. I just…”

Wendy looked at the boy, a look of… what even was it? Expectence? Curiosity? Concern? Dipper couldn’t tell, and it made him even more uncomfortable.

“... I don’t really… talk to people much,” Dipper explained. “Mabel’s been my only friend for most of my life, so… I don’t really… people… very well…”

Dipper looked away, feeling like he was making a fool of himself. Wendy stared at him, before a soft smile appeared on her face.

“It’s cool, man,” Wendy said. “I’m friends with one of the least social girls in Gravity Falls, remember? I’ve gotta fight tooth and nail just to get her to talk to me in person.”

Dipper looked down at Tambry and saw her snap a picture of the guys’ ice pants antics, smiling as she did so. Wendy followed Dipper’s line of sight, smiling herself at the sight. She patted Dipper on his shoulder, trying to reassure him, but instead ended up flinching and letting out a pained hiss, dropping her half finished ice cream.

“Wendy?” Dipper asked, startled by her reaction. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing...” Wendy said with a light wince as she shook her hand out. “Think I got a small cut from the fence or something…”

Dipper might not have been the best at reading social cues, but his BS Detector was fully functioning. It was then that he realized the hand causing Wendy pain was her left.

“Show me your hand,” Dipper said.

“What?” Wendy spoke. “N-No man, it’s cool, I just uh, rubbed the cut on the seam of your jacket. It’s not even bleeding so-”

“Wendy.”

The redhead’s eyes darted away under Dipper’s gaze. Sighing in defeat, she wordlessly extended her left hand to the boy, unfurling her palm for him to see. Dipper quickly noted that there was in fact no such cut on Wendy’s hand. Instead there was the early, but noticeable, forming of a bruise.

Exactly where he’d hit her hand.

“... Why didn’t you say anything?” Dipper asked quietly, managing to keep his voice steady.

“Because it’s no big deal, seriously,” Wendy insisted. “I didn’t want you to freak out about it.”

“Not to freak out that I hit you hard enough to leave a bruise,” Dipper muttered, looking away in shame.

“No,” Wendy said. “You threw a punch at Robbie, and I caught it. You didn’t ‘hit’ me.”

“Same difference…”

“No, it’s not,” Wendy said. “I’m not mad at you, man. Heck, I’m more mad at myself for getting this hurt. You got a way stronger swing than I thought.”

Wendy had hoped that the complement would lighten the mood, but Dipper’s grimace let her know she’d failed.

“Dipper, look at me,” Wendy told him, placing her hand on his shoulder (gently this time). “You didn’t attack me, I’ve been hurt worse just by helping my dad do lumberjack stuff, I’m not holding it against you, so you shouldn’t either.”

“... Is it any wonder that I don’t have more friends?” Dipper asked, allowing a hesitant smile to appear on his face.

Wendy chuckled. “Way I see it, you’ve got a couple friends here. Well, except maybe Robbie.”

Dipper nodded at that, smiling wider. “... I should probably apologize about that, huh?”

“Naw,” Wendy dismissed with a wave and a smile, “he kinda deserved it. He can be a bit of an…”

“Acquired taste?” Dipper offered.

“I was gonna say…” Wendy trailed off. “You know what, let’s go with yours instead.”

The two laughed a bit, the tension easing from the conversation.

“Seriously though, don’t worry about the whole ‘talking to people’ thing,” Wendy said. “We’re all a bunch of weirdos here, so you’ll fit right in.”

Dipper actually had a hopeful grin on his face. “... Really?”

“Well, we’re getting along good, aren’t we?” Wendy asked, tilting her head and giving a fun smile.

Dipper had a mystified look on his face. He had a quick memory flash from back on the roof of the Mystery Shack. The almost magical lighting, the soft breeze, Wendy’s smile. The smile was the only constant between these two moments. The store covered the redhead in an unflattering electric glow, and the only “breeze” came from an obnoxiously humming AC unit. And yet, in Dipper’s eyes, she looked just the same as she had in the picture perfect scene the day before. Soft, yet strong. Kind and supportive, but firm and assertive.

Beautiful.

“Hey guys!” Lee suddenly called, breaking Dipper’s reviere. “We need more ice!”

“I-I’m on it!” Dipper called back as he hopped off the aisle.

He risked a glance behind him, and saw Wendy nod and give him a thumbs up. She seemed to approve of his attempt at interacting more with the others. Dipper managed to smile and nod back at her, before snapping his head around and speed walking the the back where the ice bags were kept. Once he was out of sight from everyone, he allowed his panic to show, his cheeks burning and breathing hurried.

‘ _ Did… Did I seriously just think that? _ ’ Dipper asked himself, disbelieving. ‘ _ No. No, no, that can’t be right. I mean, I was just noticing her objectively attractive qualities. And appreciating her pleasant personality. And her smile- _ ’

Dipper violently shook his head.

‘ _ No, no, no! _ ’ Dipper shouted at himself in his head. ‘ _ I finally found someone that I could be friends with! I can’t ruin it by doing something stupid like falling in love! _ ’

Dipper was so absorbed in having a minor emotional freak out, that he almost missed the glowing, floating brain with eyes and teeth in the ice bag freezer.

That didn’t last for very long though.

“AH!!!” Dipper exclaimed, startled by the disturbing sight.

He instantly slammed the door to the freezer shut, cursing his frazzled emotional state. He peeked back into the freezer, but saw nothing but bags of ice. However, Dipper didn’t relax at this. He knew what he saw, and that uneasy feeling in the back of his mind he had when he first saw the store was practically exploding. Dipper tried to quiet his mind, but he couldn’t calm himself. He felt as if there was a presence surrounding him, suffocating him. The brief look might not have been very informative, but there was one thing Dipper was certain of.

‘ _ … Oh crap, this place is really haunted. _ ’

 

**3-14-7-0   7 0-3-15-25-0!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello one and all, welcome back to Fighting in the Falls!  
> So before I get to my stuff about this chapter, an important notice. As of this chapter, this story will be going on a mini-hiatus. I need to be free to put my attention into writing my college papers and studying for finals. I really shouldn't have started this story in the spring... Oh well, what's done is done. And yes, that means I'm leaving you on a cliffhanger. Because I'm evil.  
> MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!  
> Anyway, how 'bout this chapter, huh? My editor friend pointed out that she thought Dipper had been too emotionless in this story so far, and looking back I realize it was a pretty fair criticism. This storyline was my excuse to let Dipper emote a bit more. Hope I pulled it off well, romance isn't something I have a lot of experience with.  
> Also, the whole gag with Tambry teleporting was put in because when the teens are in the car, for some reason Tambry isn't with them. Yet she's with them at the store. Apparently the animators forgot to put her in. Oops.  
> I think that's everything. Sorry about the longer wait for the next one. I'll try to get it out as soon as the craziness that is the end of the semester is over. But if you'll still be here when that happens, then thank you very much. It makes me happy to see that people are enjoying this story. Thank you all for reading.  
> Sincerly, Loser With Fedora.


	6. The Graveyard Shift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: The following chapter contains violence described in ways that could be considered graphic. It's probably not too bad, but you have been warned anyway.

“What was that?” Lee said as he rounded a corner and saw Dipper standing in front of the ice bag freezer. “I thought I heard some lady screaming back here. Heh.”

Dipper might have frowned at the quip, if he weren’t having a freak out in his head. The store was definitely haunted, or at least had some kind of supernatural monster in it. The group of teens (and Dipper and Mabel) were in serious danger.

“You freakin’ out, kid?” Nate asked, ripping Dipper from his thoughts.

“... No,” Dipper responded, thankful for his natural deadpan expression hiding his panic. “Everything’s cool. Just getting the ice.”

“Then what was with the scream?” Robbie asked, poking his head around the aisle.

“... Hey look,” Dipper said, suddenly pointing to the front of the store. “Dancy Pants Revolution. The game that tricks people into exercising.”

The teens made various mumbles and comments about wanting to play, and the group moved to the front to fire up the game.

‘ _ Thank goodness for terrible teen attention spans, _ ’ Dipper thought, hanging back as the rest left. ‘ _ Okay, think. None them will believe me if I say this place is haunted. They’d probably just laugh me off. I could call Stan, get him to come and get us out of here. No, he wouldn’t believe me either, and I don’t want to put more people in danger. I could call the cops- no, that’s still more people being brought in. And besides, I don’t want Wendy to get in legal trouble on top of ghost trouble. And her friends. Wendy and her friends. _ ’

Dipper shook his head, trying to keep focused.

‘ _ I need to find some way to make them WANT to leave, _ ’ the boy continued. ‘ _ But how? I could start a fire. No, that could go wrong in  _ so _ many ways. Argh, what do I do!? _ ’

Dipper growled in frustration. He was never great at coming up with bizarre, out of the box solutions, and he was in desperate need of one at the moment. His eyes widened when he remembered that he knew someone who was VERY good at out of the box solutions.

“Mabel!” Dipper stage whispered as he stalked over to the Smile Dip display, trying to avoid the teens overhearing him. “Mabel! I need your advi- oh boy.”

Mabel lay on the ground, gurgling up a pink foam from her mouth as her pupils were as small as pinpricks.

“ _ Mabel! _ ” Dipper hissed. “ _ How many of these did you eat!? _ ”

“Beleven… teen…” Mabel gargled.

Dipper groaned in frustration, running his hands through his hair. Okay, that wasn’t good. Ghosts and a possibly needed stomach pump. Just perfect. The only way things could get worse was if one of them did something that would anger the ghosts-

“Whoa guys, you might wanna see this,” Robbie called from the front.

‘ _ What are the odds that whatever he’s doing won’t anger the ghost? _ ’ Dipper pondered, before speeding to the front. ‘ _ Dang it, Robbie… _ ’

Dipper peeked around the group of teens gathered around the cashier counter. They were looking at something behind the counter (except Thompson, who was still trying to get the highscore on Dancy Pants Revolution), but Dipper couldn’t quite see it. When he got to the front of the group though, his uncomfortable feeling came back tenfold.

Outlines. Specifically, the outlines of two humans, whose bodies had lay sprawled on the floor behind the counter.

‘ _... craaaaaaaaap… _ ’ Dipper thought, not liking where this was going.

“Whoa,” Lee said. “Then the rumors are true!”

“Dude, I dare you to lie down in it,” Robbie said.

‘ _ Seriously!?! _ ’ Dipper shouted in his head.

“Good idea!” Lee said as he lightly elbowed Nate. “Go lie down in it!”

Nate rolled his eyes as he walked over to the outlines. “I’m a dead body, look!”

Dipper swallowed hard. If the store was really haunted, it was probably by the people who had left those outlines, and they probably wouldn’t take too kindly to someone mocking their final moments. Dipper needed a way to stop this. But how? The rest didn’t see anything dangerous about this. They were having fun, and- That’s it! If there was one thing Dipper could do well, it was ruin a good mood.

“Try not to get their guts on you,” Dipper said as Nate was about to lay down, tone completely devoid of humor. “They probably got killed in an armed robbery or something, so there might still be some blood and brains around. Or if you want, you could do little gore angels.”

“Woah, dude,” Lee said, taken aback by Dipper’s blunt and unfeeling mentioning of murder.

“That’s messed up, man,” Nate said, stepping away from the outlines.

Dipper resisted the urge to smile. It was just like earlier. The reminder of what happened was like a sobering bucket of cold water dumped over them.

It was at that point Dipper remembered that they were all looking at him like he made a hobby of skinning small fuzzy animals alive. “Right, what I said was messed up. Not, I don’t know, lying in the spot where someone got murdered for ‘the lulz’.”

Nate looked away at that, seeming to realize only then what he’d been about to do. Lee seemed equally uncomfortable with the situation, and Tambry’s thumbs were still rapid-firing on her phone.

“Geez, intense much?” Robbie asked with an eye roll. “Take it down a notch, Captain Buzzkill!”

‘ _ Guess I should’ve known Dr. Funtimes wouldn’t last too long, _ ’ Dipper thought. “Sorry for killing your ‘ _ OH-EM-GEE! Let’s take a selfie with a dead body! _ ’ buzz. By all means, desecrate the dead. I’ll even snap the picture.”

Robbie glared at Dipper before also looking away. No real way to respond to that without being an enormous tool. That was good, all Dipper had to do was make them uncomfortable enough with the situation that they’d want to leave.

“ _ Dude! _ ” Wendy hissed quietly as she grabbed his shoulder and whispered in Dipper’s ear. “What are you doing?! I’ve been planning this night for weeks!”

Dipper blinked, an illogical feeling of guilt bubbling up in him for ruining Wendy’s night, even though he was trying to save them (stupid feelings!). “Wendy, I-”

“If you didn’t want to stay, you could’ve just gone home!” the redhead continued. “You didn’t have to ruin the night for the rest of us!”

Dipper tried coming up with something to say. Something to get Wendy to see they were in danger, to get her to see he wasn’t trying to make things hard for her,  _ that he cared about her- _

“Status update: trapped in store with insane nine year old,” Tambry muttered as she typed away at her social media.

“I’m not a 9-year-old!” Dipper responded weakly, at a loss for what to say.

“But you’re not thirteen,” Wendy countered.

Dipper’s eyes widened. “Wh-what?”

“You seriously think I didn’t notice Mabel cutting you off at the Shack?” Wendy asked. “I didn’t say anything ‘cause I thought you two could handle it.”

Wendy’s gaze hardened as she looked away.

“But I guess I was wrong.”

Dipper had always been good at blocking out pain. He’d needed to in order to deal with having Mabel “Never Pulls Her Punches” Pines as his sister. So in that moment, Dipper put everything he had into pushing down the pain in his heart that shouldn’t have hurt as bad as it did.

He failed.

But before Dipper could come up with any kind of response, all of those present, save Thompson, suddenly had their gaze drawn to something else. With a sudden ripple of blue-green energy, Tambry split in two and vanished before their very eyes. Dipper rushed to her dropped phone and picked it up, the bad feeling in his head growing into a headache with how strong it had become.

“‘Status update,’” Dipper read aloud. “‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! **< 3** <3! **< 3** <3 **< 3** <3!! **< 3** <3!!!!! **< 3** <3!!  **):** ):  **):** !!! (:  **):** ):  **):** ):  **):** ):  **):** ):  **):** ):  **):** ):  **):** ): ’”

At that, the group all noticed motion on the security screen. To their shock, Tambry was in the black and white image itself, banging against the edges of the screen, her face alight with fresh panic.

“Tambry!” Wendy cried out, rushing to the TV. “Tambry!”

“What are we supposed to do!?” Nate shouted, fear evident in his voice.

“I don’t know man!” Lee exclaimed. “I don’t know!”

“Let’s just go already!” Robbie yelled.

“Thompson!” Wendy called.

“Wait!” Thompson wheezed, still playing Dancy Pants Revolution. “I’ve almost got the high score!”

At that, the same light from before appeared over Thompson, and he dissolved into thin air. A moment later, he reappeared in the screen of the arcade game, earning more screams from the remaining teens.

“Uh?” Thompson mumbled, disoriented. “What?

“It’s time to shake what your mama gave you!” the game said.

Suddenly, the directional arrows started falling, and hitting Thompson. Their points dug into the unfortunate guy’s skin, and Thompson began running around, trying to avoid them.

“You’re a dance machine!” the game declared as the sixth arrow hit Thompson.

“No!” Thompson said, crying as he curl up into a ball to protect his face. “You’re a dance machine…!”

“Thompson!” Wendy called out, horrified at the sight.

“Forget them!” Robbie shouted as he ran to the front doors. “Let’s go!”

He tried pushing the doors open, but they wouldn’t budge. He looked up, remembering the locks, and saw they had somehow relocked themselves. He tried pulling the the bars down to open the doors, when the same blue-green glow appeared around them, holding the locks firmly in place. Thinking quick, he grabbed the cash register off of its counter.

“OUTTA MY WAY!” Robbie shouted as he threw the register at the exit.

Unfortunately, instead of shattering the glass doors, the impromptu projectile vanished in a puff of smoke the instant it touched the barriers, and a dangerous looking flash of green light creeped out at Robbie. Evidently the ghosts weren’t happy.

Dipper pulled out the Journal at that, and flipped to the page about ghosts. There in red it stated that ghosts always have a reason for what they do, a purpose behind their mayhem. It wasn’t much, but something was better than nothing.

“Everybody, wait!” Dipper shouted, trying to getting the frantic teens to calm down a bit. “Something’s disturbing whatever’s doing this! If we can figure out what it is and fix it, they might let us out of here!”

“Yeah, that makes a lot of sense!” retorted the ever-helpful Robbie.

“I don’t know guys, maybe he’s got a point!” Wendy responded, eager for any solution they could get.

“Yeah right,” Lee countered sarcastically. “I’m sure the ghost just wants to talk about his feelings!”

As soon as the words left Lee’s mouth, he vanished in the same blue-green haze as the others, reappearing on the cover of a cereal box.

“W-What?” Lee spoke as he suddenly felt milk being poured on him.

“I’m bonkers for eating you alive!” the cereal’s mascot bird said as it raised its spoon at Lee.

“No!” the boy screamed as he was beaten by the spoon, the rest of the teens screaming at the sight.

“Lee!” Nate cried out in horror. “Okay, okay… I’m with you kid! One-hundred percent, man!”

Suddenly, Mabel began floating off of the ground, her ponytail coming undone and hair flowing in the air around her. She became encompassed in the blue-green glow of ghostly energy, and her eyes snapped open, revealing solid white eyes completely devoid of her brown irises or pupils.

“ **Welcome,** ” she spoke in a voice not her own, echoing and reverberating with a dark power.

Nate, Robbie, and Wendy all screamed at the sight of the possessed girl, with Robbie fainting in the process. Dipper on the other hand, didn’t scream. In fact, no sound was uttered by the boy. He just stood there, staring at his sister, wide-eyed with a look of disbelief on his face.

“ **Welcome to your graves, young trespassers** ,” possessed Mabel continued, “ **Ha ha ha ah ah!!!** ”

“We’re super sorry for hanging out in your store!” Wendy called to the ghost.

“Yeah!” Nate agreed. “Can we just go now and leave forever!?”

“ **Well... okay,** ” the ghost said, all the hostility leaving its voice in an instant. “ **You’re free to go.** ”

With a wave of Mabel’s hand, the front doors flew open. Nate and Wendy looked at each other, disbelief all over their faces at how easy that was.

“ **But before you leave, hot dogs are now half off,** ” the ghost said. “ **I know it might be crazy, but you gotta try these dogs!** ”

Nate screamed and sprinted for the door, apparently not interested in the discount food (can’t imagine why). But the doors slammed shut before he could reach them, sealed tight.

“ **Just kidding about the hot dog sale!** ” possessed Mabel roared.

“Just let us out of here already!” Nate shouted, fear giving way to anger.

“ **I don’t like your tone!** ” the ghost said.

Just like that, Nate dissolved and reappeared in the hot dog cooker, now a sausage himself.

“No!” he cried out. “I’M A HOT DOG!”

“ **It begins,** ” possessed Mabel spoke. “ **Welcome to your home for all eternity!** ”

Suddenly, gravity itself seemed to invert as everything began floating up. Wendy waved her arms wildly as she landed on the ceiling, and rolled out of the way of the Pitt Cola machine as it fell (does that word work if everything is floating up?) near where she’d landed. Seeing Dipper slowly picking himself up, she quickly grabbed him by the arm and pulled him behind one of the aisles with her.

“Dipper, what do we do?!” Wendy asked, frantic at the prospect that none of them were leaving there alive. “... Dipper?”

Dipper, on the other hand, remained silent. He looked down and saw that a metal baseball bat had come loose during the floating, and was resting by his feet. Wordlessly, he bent down and picked up the metal stick, tucking the Journal back in his jacket as he did, and walked out from behind the aisle.

“Dipper!” Wendy called, confused and scared by what the boy was doing. “Come ba-!”

“Hey, ghosts!” Dipper yelled.

Possessed Mabel’s head twisted around as she turned to look at the boy advancing on her, glass cracking under his footsteps and bat dragging on the ground behind him.

“Get.”

The smile on possessed Mabel’s face vanished. Something was wrong.

“Away.”

There wasn’t any fear coming from him. What’s more, his life aura, it felt… strange. Not like the rest of the teens. It felt fresher, younger, but so did the body they were in control of. No, there was something else, something off about this.

“From.”

Whatever it was, it was making them uneasy. Making ghosts uneasy? How?

“My.”

Maybe it was the rage practically radiating off of him. Or his stone cold gaze that almost seemed to be staring right into them. No, wait, was he actually-!?!

“ **SISTER!** ”

Wendy saw Dipper jump at his possessed sister, swinging the bat. Wendy couldn’t believe Dipper was actually attacking his sister, until she saw the bat pass cleanly over her head. For a split second she thought Dipper had lost his nerve, when suddenly the bat stopped in mid air. Blue-green lightning arced off of the bat, the light flashing brightly as a pained shriek echoed through the store.

In the flashes Wendy could’ve sworn she saw what looked like an old man in a store worker’s uniform holding Mabel up by her hair. Dipper’s bat dug into the old man’s side, and with an extra push Dipper flung the ghost across the store, causing the spectre to drop Mabel in the process. Mabel fell into an assorted pile of snack bags, unconscious but no longer glowing. Wendy noted with relief that the younger girl seemed okay. Dipper on the other hand…

The instant the boy’s feet touched the ground he launched himself back into the air, a bit to his right this time. He swung his bat again, and just like before it collided with an invisible target. As the ghostly lightning flew off from the hit, Wendy saw the flickering image of an elderly lady, before she too was sent flying across the store.

“What the…?” Wendy muttered, utterly blown away by what was happening.

Dipper’s death glare intensified as he charged after the old man ghost, who had picked himself up after the hit. He was at a loss at what was happening. It had been decades since he’d felt anything, any sensation. And yet now, this boy was actually hurting him.

“ **You shall pay for your insolence, young man!** ” the phantom boomed in the same voice that had been coming out of Mabel as he waved his hand at Dipper.

Dipper stopped mid-run as his body began glowing the same blue-green energy that had spelled doom for the rest of the group. His eyes widened as he felt himself dissolving under the ghostly power, before his glare hardened. A flash of red passed through Dipper’s eyes, rage boiling over, and the spectral aura vanished from the boy, leaving him completely intact. Before the old man ghost could process that his power had failed, Dipper grabbed him by the throat, the same lightning arcing off of them at the contact. Dipper threw the ghost down onto the ceiling, and immediately sat on the spectre’s chest, pinning the ghost down. The old man tried getting up, but he couldn’t get the boy off him. He tried phasing through the ceiling, but couldn’t. He tried vanishing, but-

Out of nowhere, Dipper brought his bat down on the ghost’s head. His head was knocked aside, a glowing green goo splattering from the old man’s mouth at the impact. Dipper gave the ghost no time to recover, striking the spectre over and over and over again, lightning and ectoplasm spraying off of each hit.

“ **DON’T! TOUCH! MY! SISTER!!!** ” Dipper roared as he beat the ghost into a pulp, his eyes red with fury.

In a sudden flash of bright red light, the ghost was gone. Dipper rose to his feet, noting in the back of his mind that his uneasy feeling had gone down significantly. He might have wondered about that, if not for the fact that he still was engulfed in an all encompassing rage.

That, and the hand that suddenly went through his chest.

“Argh!” Dipper grunted, coughing up some ectoplasm that had gotten into his body (ewww…) as the old lady ghost floated behind him.

“ **What did you do to my husband!?!** ” she roared. “ **Answer me, you disrespectful little twerp!** ”

Dipper answered by grabbing the part of the ghost’s arm sticking out the front of his chest. Lightning shot out into the air at the contact, and the old lady ghost suddenly found she couldn’t pull her arm back out. Dipper’s grip tightened like a bear trap, until cracks began forming in the spectre’s arm. With an unearthly shattering sound, Dipper broke off the phantom’s forearm just before the elbow, the severed part of the arm and hand melting into a puddle of sizzling and quickly evaporating green ectoplasm.

The old lady pulled her stump of an arm back, howling in pain as ectoplasm gushed from her injury. She glared at Dipper, agony etched into her face, but also something else…

Dipper turned and looked at the ghost he’d wounded, an intense, yet unnervingly blank look of finality on his face.

“ **The same thing I’m gonna do to you.** ”

… In that moment, a look of fear made itself known among the ghost’s pain.

Wendy watched, awestruck at the sight of Dipper, the little, shy, dry-witted,  _ twelve year old _ boy, beating the ever-living crap out of the second ghost. With the brutal cries he let out with each swing, the cracking sound from each impact, and the ectoplasm spraying the scene, it looked like something out of an R-rated movie. Except it was really happening, right in front of her. If Dipper weren’t attacking a malicious ghost that had tried to kill her and her friends, she might’ve been horrified at the sight.

… Okay, even with Dipper having the best excuses ever to completely go nuts like this, it was still really unnerving. The sheer brutality on display was something Wendy hadn’t been prepared for. And she thought her dad could go overboard…

With a final roar, Dipper smashed the old lady’s ghost head into an ectoplasmic paste, and a bright red flash enveloped the store.

Wendy let out a surprised yelp as gravity suddenly went back to normal. She managed to turn her fall into a somewhat awkward roll as she landed, preventing herself from getting too hurt. She looked up and saw Dipper hadn’t quite stuck the landing as well, having fallen on his back, and Mabel’s pile of snack bags had fallen with her to cushion the unconscious girl’s fall yet again.

“Urgh…”

Wendy looked around at the groaning, and saw her friends were all back. They seemed disoriented, and probably traumatized, but otherwise okay. Well, except Robbie, who landed in a… let’s just say “uncomfortable” position since he was still passed out when everything went back to normal. But oh boy, was he awake  _ now _ . Yeesh…

“G… Guys!” Wendy exclaimed. “Guys, you won’t believe this! It was insane!”

As Wendy went to tell them all the crazy stuff that had just gone down, Mabel groaned and slowly sat up. Dipper walked over to his sister and crouched next to her, about to ask if she was okay, when Mabel spoke.

“Ugghh…” she groaned. “What happened…?”

Dipper let out a breath, relieved that she seemed alright, before responding, “... You ate too much Smile Dip.”

 

**_...retaL, edistuo eht erotS fo htaeD…_ **

 

“Well,” Wendy said nonchalantly as she stepped around the van, “I’m probably scarred for life.”

Dipper let out a little snort and nodded, leaning on the vehicle with his arms crossed. The rest of the group were laying in the van, getting some shut eye to recover from the insanity that was their night. Dipper didn’t join them though. He wasn’t tired in the slightest, wired from what had happened. As much as he would’ve liked to sleep, to spend a few hours pretending this never happened, he couldn’t. There was too much on his mind. One such thing being…

“Why did you tell them that?”

Wendy looked at him, confused.

“I heard what you told them,” Dipper said. “About what I did. You made me sound like an action hero, not some psycho.”

Wendy gave an attempt at a chuckle. “C’mon man, you weren’t that ba-”

“I saw you, Wendy,” Dipper said, cutting off Wendy’s lie. “I saw the look on your face. You were scared. And not because of the ghosts.”

Dipper closed his eyes and turned his head away.

“You were scared of me.”

For a moment there was silence, until the boy heard the sound of steps approaching him. Just as he turned his head back to see what was going on, Wendy slung her arm over Dipper’s shoulders and leaned against the van with him.

“Okay, yeah,” Wendy admitted. “It was scary. Seeing you so angry, and so… violent. Yeah, it was scary.”

Dipper’s face fell and his eyes looked for anywhere stare that wasn’t the redhead out of shame.

“But it was also really cool.”

It took Dipper a few seconds to really process what he’d just heard.

“What?” he asked, looking up at Wendy in disbelief.

“You beat up ghosts, Dipper,” she said. “GHOSTS. You pulverized people that were already dead. All to save your sister. I know I would’ve done the same if it were my brothers or my dad in trouble. I saw just how much you care about her, and it was scary, but in a really weird way it was… kind of sweet.”

Dipper smiled, unable to hold back a light laugh. “I think you’re the only person who would ever describe that as ‘sweet’.”

“Yeah…” Wendy said with a nod and a weirded out expression. “I think that says more about me than it does about you.”

The two laughed at that, finally feeling the stress from the night beginning to fade. After a bit though, Wendy’s expression changed to a more uncomfortable one, and she began nervously rubbing the back of her neck.

“Hey, so um,” Wendy started awkwardly, “sorry about, y’know… kinda blowing up at you back there. You were just trying to get us out of there, and I was a huge-”

“I was trying to get a whole bunch of teens out of a haunted grocery store without saying it was haunted,” Dipper said. “No way I was gonna do that and NOT look crazy.”

“But-”

Dipper simple raised his hand, gesturing for Wendy to stop. “I’m not holding it against you, so you shouldn’t either.”

Wendy looked at him, a bit surprised by his statement, before grinning. “Dude! Using my own super wisdom on me?”

Dipper rolled his eyes, grinning himself. “Yeah, yeah, take it up with my lawyer.”

Wendy snickered. “Aw man, look at me. Sitting here talking about my feelings and junk. What am I doing? I’ve got a rep to keep.”

“Same here,” Dipper said with a light chuckle. “Maybe we keep these deep talks to ourselves?”

In response, Wendy made a zipping motion across her lips, smiling. Dipper smiled back, mimicking the action.

“Now who’s stealing who’s material?” the boy asked with a grin.

“Dude,” Wendy said, her voice full of mirth, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile this much.”

“Me neither,” Dipper countered. “Guess it makes sense after the night I’ve had. Nervous energy, and all that.”

“Yeah,” Wendy agreed with a nod. “I think I’ll go stare at a wall for a while and RETHINK EVERYTHING. Hey, next time we hang out, let’s stay at the Mystery Shack, okay?”

“Next time?” Dipper asked, trying to push down the wonderful, hopeful feeling swelling in his chest. “Sure, sounds fun.”

The two climbed into the van, Wendy shaking Thompson awake to drive them all home. Dipper gently rubbed Mabel’s back as she grumbled, her stomach feeling like it was trying to jump out of her throat. The boy looked out the window as the trees began whizzing past, the sky colored a soft pink by the rising sun. The day had been stressful, and scary, and disturbing, but Dipper was still happy he had gone. He finally found someone he liked, and liked him. An actual friend.

_ Beautiful. _

Dipper sighed. Okay, okay, fine. He didn’t just like Wendy. He (oh come on, no Dipper, don’t make me write this, please no) “like-liked” her (I feel betrayed). Wendy was amazing, in every sense of the word, and this whole thing had made it pretty clear to him that he’d fallen for her. Hard.

Dipper pushed back the reflexive rejection of the notion of love instilled in him by his family. So his parents were miserable together, so what? Maybe it was the buzz of victory, but he felt unusually optimistic. Maybe he could get a happy ending after all.

… Wait. Wasn’t Wendy fifteen? Like, three years older than him?

…

… Crap.

 

**_… retaL, ni eht yretsyM kcahS…_ **

 

“Ah, the wedding,” Stan said, tearing up as the final movie in the boring old black and white series played. “I’ve waited so long for this. Oh, look at her in that dress!”

Suddenly, people on the TV gasped, and surprised anger made itself known on Stan’s face.

“Count Lionel?!” he spoke. “What’s he doin’ here!?”

“I’ve come to reclaim my bride!” the count declared from the TV.

“You had your chance at the cotillion, you!” Stan shouted.

“You had your chance at the cotillion, you!” a man from the TV shouted.

“That’s what I’m saying!” Stan yelled. “UuuaaaAAAAGGGHHH!!!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, edistuo…_ **

 

Dipper and Mabel walked toward the front door of the Shack. Mabel was still holding her stomach in pain as she took her steps, and Dipper followed her silently, trying to work out the problem he’d found himself in.

When suddenly TV.

The TV came crashing through one of the living room windows and fell into the dirt, smoking and busted. A moment later Stan poked his head out through the smashed window, looking awkwardly at the twins.

“Uh,” Stan stammered, “couldn’t find the remote.”

 

**21-20-3-7-24-10-25  7-21-25-14-15-19-7!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
> 
> Whew, about time, right? Hello all, and welcome back to Fighting in the Falls! Sorry about the wait. This mini-hiatus went on a bit longer than I'd intended, but that's life I guess.  
> Anyway, before I get to the trivia, I wanted to talk about the fight in this chapter. So, I'm not a very good judge of how violent is too violent. When writing this I didn't think it was too bad, but upon rereading I realized that this was a bit more intense than the previous battles. I don't THINK that what happened this chapter is enough to warrant a rating change, but if enough people say to, I'll bump the rating up, or maybe just add an "excessive violence" tag.  
> But anyway, trivia time!  
> Robbie passing out was thrown in as a dumb little bit for two reasons. The first, because screw Robbie. The second, the animators forgot to put him somewhere in the climax, just like they forgot to put Tambry in the car earlier. Again, oops.  
> One thing that you might not have noticed, is that all of the letters, exclamation points, and emojis from Tambry's status update were the exact number and sequence as what appeared on her phone in the episode. I went over the bit frame by frame and counted them all to be sure. Why? Because I live to include ultra-specific details that no one cares about and are ultimately irrelevant.  
> (begins crying in a corner)  
> Oh, and I've had some people leave comments about the codes I leave at the end of each chapter. If you want to try to crack them, take a look through the comments to see my tips on what to do. Still waiting to see who the first one to crack it will be.  
> I think that's everything for now. Going to go back to weekly updates from here, at least until I get a summer job and my schedule inevitable turns into a nightmare. But I should be able to do a few weeks of regular updates, at the very least. Thank you all for reading. Let me know any likes, critiques, or questions you have in the comments. I love seeing what you guys have to say. Thanks for sticking with me, and have a nice day.


	7. Mulan Reference

Dipper ripped apart a piece of beef jerky with his teeth, munching on the snack frustratedly as he walked through the woods.

‘ _ Stupid game, _ ’ Dipper thought.

The day had been going okay. Stan had taken the twins to a diner in town at Mabel’s request, but their grunkle had decided to be exceedingly sparing in their meal. There, Dipper had seen a “Test Your Manliness” game that promised free pancakes for victory. Mabel had somehow managed to talk Dipper into giving it a shot, and as he’d predicted, he failed. Specifically, he got “Wimp”, the lowest score, and a little card with a baby that said, “You are a cutie patootie!”

Dipper let out an annoyed huff at the memory. To make matters worse, the entire restaurant had been watching (including Wendy), Stan had openly laughed at him, and then Wendy’s dad, Manly Dan, proceeded to win so hard he caused the machine to explode using only his pinkie. Because of course.

Dipper swallowed his jerky. He hoped Mabel got a good laugh out of his humiliation. Dipper was acutely aware of his own limits, so he knew he didn’t have a chance at winning the game. Sure, he could beat a ton of people outside his weight class in a fight, but that didn’t matter here. Despite what some people would have you believe, raw power is one of the least important aspects of a fight. What’s far more essential is understanding your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses, being able to get in their heads and predict what they were going to do. Then, as long as you have a firm understanding of ways to disable and disorient them, you can beat them down with ease. As far as Dipper was concerned, if a battle ever came down to an outright slugfest, then you’d already lost. Both he and Mabel were masters of this style of combat, and as such had beaten some people most wouldn’t have believed they could. Dipper could beat raw strength, but actually match it?

Dipper flexed his bicep, and frowned at the mediocre swell. Sure, he was only twelve, but someone with the reputation he had should be able to manage more than that. Especially if he planned to take on someone potentially extremely dangerous like the “he” the Journal mentioned. Or heck, even just if Gideon ever showed his pudgy little face again. Dipper got lucky the last time he fought the little gremlin when his magic amulet stopped working for some reason, but if Gideon was serious about taking his revenge, he likely wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

Dipper tossed another piece of jerky in his mouth and bit down hard in frustration. He’d tried building up some muscle before, but it never really worked. Maybe it was because he had yet to go through puberty, but all he could ever manage was being fit and lean. It seemed getting jacked was a far off dream.

Dipper was abruptly brought out of his musings as the ground began to rumble. The shaking grew stronger and stronger as the seconds passed, and before Dipper could wonder if this was an earthquake or what, he heard a deep roar come from further in the forest.  Various woodland creatures suddenly burst forth from the brush, fleeing in fear. Dipper hopped out of the way of a few, and saw Manly Dan run with the animals.

“For the love of all that’s holy, run!” the lumberjack yelled at Dipper as he dashed past the boy.

Dipper, always the cat to be killed by curiosity, did not run, but peered into the woods for the source of the commotion. The thundering grew closer, and a tree suddenly fell over. Dipper sidestepped the falling timber, focused intently on what was coming. What in the world could be doing all of this? Hopefully it would live up to the hype.

Dipper wasn’t disappointed.

What emerged was a being towering over even the tallest of people. It was humanoid, insanely muscular, and had copious amounts of facial hair.

Oh yeah, and horns.

That was weird.

Dipper watched, fascinated by the being. It boredly picked up a nearby deer that apparently hadn’t gotten the “Run for your freakin’ life!” memo. With one hand it used the deer as a back scratcher, before tossing the creature away. Dipper noted with a bit of relief that the deer seemed okay as it scurried off, but it was then that he realized the beast of a person was looking straight at him.

“ **YOU!** ” it said in a deep, booming voice.

Dipper looked around a bit before pointing to himself. “... Me?”

“You gonna finish that?” the beast man said, suddenly in a much less intense tone.

Dipper looked down at the bag of jerky in his hand, and back up to the giant monster man. He decided at that moment he wasn’t very hungry.

“Nope,” he said as he tossed the bag to the monster.

Dipper watched as the giant caught the bag and sat down with an earth shaking thump. The beast man dumped all of the jerky into his mouth, smacking a bit as he chewed. The small boy peered at the strange creature before him, eyes sparking with interest. It was part human, and part animal. It almost resembled a…

“Hey,” Dipper spoke, drawing the creature’s attention. “Are you some kind of Minotaur?”

“I’m a Manotaur!” the creature declared, slamming the ground with his fist. “Half man! Half… uh… half taur!”

“Oh,” Dipper started, not quite sure how to respond. “So, what brought you out here?”

“The smell of jerky summoned me!” the Manotaur said as he punched a tree in half and smashed a boulder against his head. “JERKY!”

Dipper nodded. Seemed like a good reason to him.

Suddenly, the Manotaur started sniffing, an odd odor making itself know to him. He got closer to the small boy, and realized the smell was coming from him.

“I smell... feelings of inadequacy!” the Manotaur announced.

Dipper gained an annoyed look on his face, wondering if reminders of his shortcomings would ever end. However, now that he thought about it, there was an ultra-manly guy right next to him that seemed friendly enough. Maybe this was just what he needed.

“You’re pretty strong, right Manotaur?” Dipper asked conversationally, already knowing the answer.

“PRETTY strong?” the beast man asked incredulously. “I’m so strong that my biceps have their own six-packs!”

After a demonstrative flex, Dipper saw that this was indeed true.

“Then you must know some way to train that’ll make me stronger, right?”

The Manotaur stroked his beard, humming in thought. “So you wish to be a man, eh child?”

“Uh, yeah,” Dipper said, assuming that meant getting stronger.

“Very well,” the Manotaur said, kneeling. “Climb atop my back hair, child!”

“... Okay,” Dipper said, deciding that this  _ probably _ wasn’t the strangest thing he’d done since arriving in Gravity Falls, and he climbed on the Manotaur’s back.

With that, the Manotaur took off like a bullet, charging through trees as if they were nothing. Dipper held tight as they made record time through the forest. Dipper’s eyes widened when he saw the Manotaur run straight at a cliff. Before the boy could say anything, the Manotaur jumped the gorge, sailing through the air. However, Dipper was less concerned with the impending drop, and more with the fact that they were about to collide head-on with the side of a mountain.

**CRASH!!!**

Dipper slowly opened his eyes. He decided that he didn’t feel particularly dead, so that was a good sign. As Dipper glanced around to get his bearings, he realized that the Manotaur must’ve broken through the side of the mountain and landed in some kind of cave.

A cave filled with Manotaurs.

Dipper watched in amazement at the sight, looking at the creatures going through their routines. Some were lifting weights (that were made of bones, by the way), some were doing push-ups, some were playing foosball, one was even playing darts (badly, Dipper noted).

“So this is where the Manotaurs live?” Dipper asked as he jumped off of his companion’s back.

The Manotaur nodded as he guided the boy through the cave. “The gnomes live in the trees, the merpeople live in the water, ‘cause they’re losers! But we Manotaurs, crash in the MAN CAVE!”

At that, he stopped walking as the two reached a gong. He grabbed a bone, and quickly struck the gong. As the noise reverberated through the cave, the other Manotaurs paused what they were doing and turned to face the duo, curious as to what was going on.

“BEASTS!” the Manotaur announced. “I have brought you, a hairless child!”

He suddenly shoved Dipper forward, showing him to the others.

“… S’up?” Dipper greeted half-heartedly, not enjoying being put on the spot.

“This is, uh...” the Manotaur paused, trying to get everyone’s names right. “Pubetor, Testosteror, Pituitor, and I’m Chutzpar. And you are?”

“My name’s Dipper,” the boy said.

The Manotaurs began booing, apparently believing that “Dipper” wasn’t sufficiently manly.

“… The Destructor?” the boy added.

The Manotaurs nodded, grumbling that the addition made it better.

Chutzpar struck the gong again, regaining the others’ attention. “Dipper The Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to our manliness.”

Dipper nodded. “I want to be strong, like you guys.”

“I must confer with the High Council,” Testosteror said as the rest of the Manotaurs entered a group huddle.

“So… teach him our man secrets or what?” Testosteror asked in a slightly hushed voice.

“He’s a human,” Pituitor said. “I don’t like him.”

“I DON’T LIKE YOUR FACE!” Testosteror declared as he punched Pituitor in the face.

The talk soon devolved into a storm of punches, headlocks, and that one Manotaur who was biting the other’s leg.

Dipper sighed. ‘ _ Maybe this wasn’t the best plan… _ ’

 

**_… retaL… a TOL retal..._ **

 

“After a lot of punching,” Testosteror said, “we have decided to deny your request to learn our manly secrets.”

“Denied!” Pituitor declared as he punched himself in the face.

“Denied?” Dipper asked, somewhat miffed at the long wait just to be denied, before getting a mischievous grin. “Ok, fine. That’s okay with me. Obviously you guys think it would be too hard to train me. Guess you’re just not man enough to try.”

The Manotaurs gasped at the statement, several giving the boy angered glares.

“Not MAN enough!?” Testosteror asked as he angrily approached the small child.

“Destructor…” Chutzpar said warningly, worried concern showing on his face.

“NOT MAN ENOUGH!?!” Testosteror repeated.

“He didn’t mean it!” Chutzpar insisted, trying to diffuse the situation.

“I have three Y chromosomes, six adam’s apples, pecs on my abs and FISTS FOR NIPPLES!” Testosteror declared.

Dipper repressed a gag at the sight of the angry Manotaur proving his last statement to indeed be true.

“... Seems to me you’re too scared to teach me how to be a man,” Dipper said as he began channeling those obnoxious punks from school. “Hey, do you guys hear that? It sounds like...  _ Bock-bock. Bock. _ Oh, that’s weird- _ Bocock, bocAW! _ Is that?- _ BACAWK! _ That sounds like- **_BACAW!_ ** A bunch of chickens!”

The Manotaurs gasped, looking horrified at the accusation. They quickly huddled together again.

“I feel all weird,” Testosteror said.

“He’s using some sort of brain magic!” Pubetor said.

Pituitor turned around and said to Dipper, “After a second round of deliberation, we have decided to help you become a man!”

“Man! Man! Man!” the others began chanting.

Dipper smirked. ‘ _ These guys are too easy. _ ’

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Dipper followed the Manotaurs at a leisurely pace, hands in his pockets. They were walking to some point at the base of the mountain for Dipper’s first “Manliness Trial”. The young boy hoped this would prove useful, and non-lethal. After all, the Manotaurs’ workout routine might be beyond what a human could survive, especially one that hadn’t even gone through puberty. But he could cross that bridge when he came to it.

Dipper realized the Manotaurs had stopped, and saw they were surrounding a hole in the ground with a sign that said “Pain Hole”.

“Being a man is about conquering your fears,” Chutzpar explained.

“For your first man test,” Testosteror said, “you must plunge your fist-INTO THE PAIN HOLE!

Dipper noticed that every Manotaur winced slightly at the mentioning of the task. That didn’t bode well.

Testosteror scoffed at the reaction of the other Manotaurs as he knelt next to the trial device, preparing to stick his hand into the hole.

“Pain hole, schmainhole-WAHHH!!!” the Manotaur suddenly exclaimed as he stuck his hand in, slapping himself a few times before running off. “AHHH!!! AHH!!!”

Dipper cocked an eyebrow at the sight. “Whatever’s in there isn’t gonna cause any permanent damage, right?”

“Naw,” Chutzpar dismissed with a wave, before thinking about it some more. “Well… I mean, probably not?”

“Well  _ that _ was convincing,” Dipper deadpanned.

“Look, do you want to be a man, or not?” Chutzpar asked.

“Man! Man! Man! Man!” the Manotaurs chanted.

Dipper looked at the hole and sighed. He rolled up the sleeve of his letterman at he approached the hole, taking a deep breath. One thing he was particularly good at was blocking out pain. Pain was just a signal from your nerves to your brain that something was wrong. Literally all in your head. One could conceivably block out all pain with enough mental focus and control, no matter how painful. Unfortunately, Dipper was no master at this, and whatever was in that hole looked like it hurt A LOT. Exhaling slowly, he psyched himself up for the incoming suffering. He slowly lowered his hand in, and-

Wow.

WOW.

**HOLY CRAP, THAT HURT.**

Dipper resisted the overpowering urge to immediately yank his hand out, pushing through the excruciating sensation as best he could, but  **GEEZ** did that hurt! He barely held back a scream of suffering, firmly keeping any exclamations inside.

He glanced at Chutzpar, and through gritted teeth asked, “ **_... this all you got…?_ ** ”

 

**_...hcuM, HCUM retal…_ **

 

Dipper left out a relieved breath as he settled into a hot spring. The tension that had built in his body slowly ebbed out with the steam of the spring, and the boy relaxed. Say what you will about the Manotaurs, they knew how to train.

Dipper had done numerous “Manliness Trials” over the course of the day, and they were no joke. Well, okay, SOME were nothing. The “Manliness” focused ones (like gluing chest hair to his torso) were, in his opinion, pretty pointless. But others, oh man, they were tough. Withstanding the focused torrent of water shooting out of a fire hydrant without flinching, towing a carriage filled with four Manotaurs and a horse, and jumping over a gorge. So suffice it to say, he was tired. Tired, but satisfied. Dipper was stronger, he could feel it. He still wasn’t super buff, but his muscles were much tougher. With an experimental flex, he was satisfied to see his bicep bulge noticeably. And, with his shirt off in the hot spring, he saw that his average torso for a boy his age now sported a sturdy-looking six-pack.

‘ _ All this, in one day, _ ’ Dipper marveled. ‘ _ Amazing. _ ’

“Most impressive, Dipper The Destructor,” Chutzpar said. “I’m surprised that a human child has completed our trials so quickly.”

“Thanks, Chutzpar,” Dipper responded. “I’m surprised too. All this intense training should’ve left me exhausted or smashed to pieces. But I’m not, and it’s been working good. I feel a lot stronger.”

“Indeed,” Chutzpar agreed with a nod. “You have undergone much growth in our time together.”

“I have a growth!” one of the Manotaurs from another spring named Clark called out.

The rest of the Manotaurs laughed, and Dipper put on an odd smile. The Manotaurs had a… “low-brow” sense of humor that Dipper didn’t find particularly entertaining. But they had been nice to him, in their own way, and so he played along, and tried not to kill the mood (which was WAY harder than he’d thought it would be).

“Well, rest time over,” Chutzpar said as he rose from the spring. “One final task remains, Destructor. The deadliest trial of all.”

“I’ve survived forty-nine other trials,” Dipper said with a cocky grin and clenched fist. “Whatever it is, bring it on!”

“Yeah!” the rest of the Manotaurs shouted.

 

**_… retaL, ni eht evacnaM…_ **

 

“... Is this really necessary?” Dipper asked, looking at himself.

He was dressed in only a loincloth like the Manotaurs. He had various stick on tattoos on his arms and torso, one that said “Rad Dude” and another that read “Too Cool”. He figured that the look was meant to be some kind of ceremonial garb, or whatever, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he just looked really stupid.

“Yes!” the Manotaurs all responded at once.

Dipper shrugged, figuring he could deal with it. He looked around and saw some of the Manotaurs setting up ceremonial torches, and when they finished they started hitting the heads of other Manotaurs like drums. Dipper was brought up onto a main podium, and the drumming suddenly stopped.

“Behold our leader,” Chutzpar announced loudly, “Leaderaur!”

Out of a tunnel in the cave, an old and decrepit Manotaur came stumbling out, and Dipper noted a pungent smell emanating from the elderly creature. Dipper looked quizzically at the old Manotaur, confused as to why the rough and tumble Manotaurs would allow this old twig to lead them.

“Is he like the oldest,” Dipper whispered to Chutzpar, “or wisest, or...?”

“Naw, he’s just the offering,” Chutzpar answered.

Before Dipper could even say “What?” the elderly Manotaur was suddenly devoured in a single chomp by a looming shadow behind him. As the figure emerged from the shadows, Dipper’s eyes widened in shock. The boy saw that this new Manotaur was easily twice as big as the already huge Manotaurs, maybe even bigger. He had dark fur all over his body, eyes that seemed to glow red, and a large scar over his chest.

“ _ That _ is Leaderaur,” Chutzpar said, pointing up at the enormous Manotaur.

‘ _ No kidding, _ ’ Dipper thought, in awe at the incredibly powerful creature before him.

“ **You,** ” Leaderaur said, facing Dipper. “ **You wish to be a man?** ”

Dipper pushed past his awestruck state to respond in a way the Manotaurs had taught him, by banging his chest and letting out a “Cry of Manliness”. The rest of the Manotaurs joined Dipper’s cry, showing their support. Leaderaur nodded at their approval, and looked back at Dipper.

“ **Then you must do heroic act,** ” Leaderaur said. “ **Go to highest mountain…** ”

At that, the mountain of a creature plunged his hand into his own chest, releasing a reflexive cry of pain in the process. Dipper winced slightly as gargantuan Manotaur pulled out from his chest a spear made of bone, and tossed it at the boy’s feet.

“ **... and bring back head of… the Multi-Bear!** ”

Dipper heard the rest of the Manotaurs gasp at that. Apparently they had thought the challenge would be something else.

“The Multi-Bear?” Dipper asked, hoping for elaboration.

“ **He’s our sworn enemy!** ” Leaderaur declared. “ **Conquer him and your mansformation will be complete.** ”

Dipper picked up the spear, studying it intently as he considered the task. It sounded dangerous, even for a Manotaur. Facing an enemy he knew next to nothing about was definitely not his style. Especially with no armor and only a spear, in his opinion a fairly limited weapon (it was only good for stabbing, you couldn’t even use it as an effective bludgeoning weapon). Definitely not his style…

But then, the whole point of this training was to become strong enough that Dipper didn’t need to rely on his old style. To be able to hold his ground with his own power. If he backed down now, when he needed to rely on his strength over strategy, then what was the point of all this? But still…

Dipper tossed the spear back at Leaderaur’s feet, and the Manotaurs’ eyes all widened at the sight.

“ **You reject man challenge?** ” Leaderaur asked, anger creeping into his voice.

“I never said that,” Dipper said. “I just don’t want your spear.”

Dipper turned and walked to the exit of the Man Cave.

“I’ll beat the Multi-Bear with my bare hands.”

The Manotaurs gasped at the declaration, murmuring among themselves if he was allowed to do that. Leaderaur tilted his head, but ultimately nodded to himself, deciding he would allow this break in tradition because the idea of a human attempting this task without a weapon intrigued him. Chutzpar however, watched Dipper leave nervously. He knew that defeating the Multi-Bear would be challenging even for a Manotaur, but a human child? Weaponless?

He hoped Dipper knew what he was doing.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht evac fo eht raeB-itluM…_ **

 

Dipper tiptoed into the cave that the Multi-Bear supposedly lived in. The boy kept his senses on high alert. He pointedly avoided stepping on any of the bones littering the ground, attempting to keep his noise-level to a minimum. He then realized that there was a light breeze blowing into the cave, meaning the Multi-Bear could likely smell him. Abandoning his attempt at stealth, he instead put his whole focus into observation, attempting to find his target.

‘ _ What is a Multi-bear?, _ ’ Dipper wondered to himself as he advanced.

A shadow stirred. The boy stopped as he saw an enormous creature rise in a corner of the cave. The monstrosity rose from its slumber and turned to see the young intruder, while Dipper viewed the beast of eight heads and various limbs and torsos melded into a single entity.

‘ _ Oh, _ ’ Dipper thought, ‘that’s  _ a multi-bear. _ ’

Numerous heads began roaring angrily at Dipper’s presence, and Dipper began to consider the possibility that maybe, just  _ maybe _ , not taking the spear was a bad idea.

“Bear heads, silence!” the lead bear head spoke as it swatted a few. “Child, why have you come here?”

“Multi-bear!” Dipper announced, trying to sound dramatic. “I have been sent by the Manotaurs to defeat you!”

Multi-bear snarled at the mention of the Manotaurs. “This is foolish! Leave now, or die!”

In response, Dipper simply slammed his fist into his palm, giving a challenging look to the Multi-Bear.

“So be it!” multi-Bear growled as it charged the boy.

With reflexes like lightning, Dipper sprinted out of the way of the charging animal. He ran up the slope of the cave wall, his momentum carrying him up to the ceiling just as Multi-Bear passed under him. Dipper kicked off the top of the cave and flew down, landing a haymaker on one of Multi-Bear’s heads as he fell. Bracing for impact, he landed with a thud as the Multi-Bear stumbled around, disoriented by the strike.

‘ _ So even though I only hit one head, the rest still feel it, _ ’ Dipper noted. ‘ _ Interesting _ .’

Multi-bear back to his opponent, and struck a nearby pile of bones as he did. The bones all flew at Dipper, who knocked them away in mid-air with some quick punches. However, Dipper realized a bit too late that Multi-Bear only used the bones as a distraction, and had charged at him again. Multi-Bear swung an arm at Dipper, with the boy not having time to dodge.

But then, he had no intention of dodging.

Digging his feet into the ground, Dipper held up his left arm in a block as Multi-Bear’s limb collided with it. Dipper’s body shuddered at the impact, but his small frame managed to take the hit. Multi-Bear was visibly shocked such a small human was able to withstand his attack, as Dipper gritted his teeth, blocking out the pain from the strike.

Dipper took advantage of Multi-Bear’s confusion and fired a powerful counterpunch right into the beast’s nearest face. Multi-Bear howled in pain, before lunging back at Dipper, trying to bite the boy with one of his heads. Dipper was prepared however, and counterpunched each head as it approached. He quickly elbowed one head in its right eye, and the entire body flinched to the right as if responding to the hit. Seizing his opportunity, Dipper jumped onto Multi-Bear and climbed up to just behind the main head. Dipper put the head into a choke hold, hoping that doing so would impact the other non-choked heads as well. His plan worked, and the whole beast began to fall backwar-

Wait, it was a trap! Falling backward would crush Dipper between the Multi-Bear and the ground. Acting fast, Dipper flipped himself around so that he was sitting right in front of the main head when the beast hit the ground. Multi-Bear’s attempted trap proved to backfire even further, as he hit two of his heads on the stone cave of the floor when he fell, disorienting him. Dipper didn’t give Multi-Bear any time to breathe and began repeatedly punching the main head. When he felt Multi-Bear begin to shift, about to shake him off, Dipper locked his legs onto Multi-Bear even tighter, and drove and elbow down between Multi-Bear’s eyes. The creature let out a pained gasp as he fell limp, a small stream of blood dripping from the main head’s nose.

“Enough, human child,” Multi-Bear said weakly. “You have won. Just end me quickly and get it over with.”

Dipper panted heavily, looking somewhat skeptical. “... Really?”

Multi-Bear nodded weakly.“But before you do, may I have one last request?” 

“Uh… Okay?” Dipper said, not sure where the creature was going with this.

“I wish to die listening to my favorite song.”

Dipper gained a baffled look on his face, and saw one of the arms point to a cassette player resting on a rock not too far away.

“The tape is already in there,” Multi-Bear said as Dipper slid off of his body. “You can just hit any- Yeah, yeah, that’s it.”

Dipper was surprised that when he hit the play button, he recognized the group.

“You listen to Icelandic pop group BABBA?” the boy asked.

Multi-bear nodded. “You know of them?”

Dipper nodded. “Yeah, they play on the radio all the time. This song’s ‘Disco Girl’, right?”

“Yes,” Multi-Bear answered. “All the manotaurs made fun of me because I know all the words to the song.”

“... Seriously?” Dipper asked. “That’s why you’re there ‘sworn enemy’?”

Multi-Bear nodded, savoring the music playing, and began humming along.

Dipper looked at the sight, and thought about what was going on. Sure, it wasn’t like he was a huge BABBA fan or anything, but he thought their songs were alright. Certainly not worth demanding the head of someone who liked them for not being “manly”, or whatever.

“Well,” Dipper said as he approached the cave exit. “Enjoy your song.”

“You’re leaving?” Multi-Bear asked. “But I thought the Manotaurs wanted you to kill me?”

“I proved I’m stronger than you,” Dipper said. “So as far as I’m concerned, I’m done here. Besides, you seem like a nice guy. Er, bear. Bears. Yeah…”

“I thank you for your mercy, child,” Multi-Bear said, beginning to sit up. “But the Manotaurs will not approve of your actions.”

Dipper shrugged. “I mean, I still beat you. How mad could they be?”

 

**_… retaL, ni eht naM evaC…_ **

 

“ **You were told!** ” Leaderaur roared, fire flaring from his nostrils (because of course). “ **The price of man is the Multi-Bear’s head!** ”

“What does it matter if I didn’t kill him?” Dipper asked. “I still won.”

“ **Real men show no mercy!** ” Leaderaur boomed angrily. “ **Kill the Multi-Bear or never be a man!** ”

Dipper sighed. “Look guys, I appreciate all you’ve done for me, really. But I just wanted to be stronger. I don’t give a crap about all this ‘be a man’ junk. Especially if it means killing Multi-Bear just because you think his musical tastes aren’t manly enough.”

The Manotaurs gasped at this.

“What are you saying, Destructor?” Chutzpar asked.

“I’m saying,” Dipper answered, “thanks for all the training guys, but I don’t want to be whatever you guys think is a man.”

Leaderaur slammed his fists onto the armrests of his giant stone throne, shattering them. The other Manotaur’s eyes widened. It had been a long time since they’d seen their leader this angry.

“Hey now,” Chutzpar said, trying to defuse the situation. “Let’s all wait a second and-”

“ **DIPPER THE DESTRUCTOR!!!** ” Leaderaur bellowed, furious. “ **WE INVITED YOU IN, TREATED YOU AS BROTHER, TAUGHT YOU OUR SECRETS OF MANLINESS!!! BUT YOU INSULT OUR WAYS, AND FOR THAT YOU DIE!!!** ”

With that, Leaderaur launched himself at Dipper, and the boy had just enough time for one thought to enter his mind.

‘ _ Uh oh- _ ’

 

**_… edistuO eht naM evaC…_ **

 

All was peaceful on the mountainside, until an enormous explosion of rock and dust blew out from the stone. From the cloud of dust, Dipper slid down the steep mountain, coughing as he balanced precariously on his feet. He’d barely managed to avoid Leaderaur’s attack, but the rocks that hit him on the way out had still battered him pretty good.

Dipper heard a thundering roar from behind him and he saw Leaderaur charging down the mountain at him. The boy quickly thought through his options. He had no hope of being able to out-muscle the titan Manotaur. The guy was so jacked Dipper wasn’t even sure he  _ could _ be hurt. No... No, he could be hurt. Dipper remembered when Leaderaur had pulled the spear out of his chest, and the pained cry he’d let out. Okay, so Leaderaur wasn’t invincible, but how in the world was Dipper supposed to hit him hard enough to puncture the Manotaur’s chest? Didn’t seem like anything less would do the trick.

Dipper’s eyes widened. That gave him an idea. He just needed to-

‘ _ Woah! _ ’ Dipper thought as he suddenly jumped out the way of a stream of fire that nearly roasted him.

Okay, Leaderaur was gaining on him fast. Dipper needed to get off the mountain ASAP. When he landed he broke off into a run, tearing down the mountain as fast as he could. Leaderaur roared in anger at the sight of Dipper trying to flee, and in a single leap sailed over Dipper and landed at the base of the mountain. The Manotaur began breathing fire blasts up at Dipper, who kept dodging them.

Dipper smirked. Leaderaur thought he’d cut off Dipper’s escape route, but not only had he moved right where the boy wanted him, but he’d also forgot one path Dipper still had.

Dipper charged at the greatest Manotaur, ducking under some fire. As he got close to Leaderaur, the Manotaur tried to grab him, but Dipper dive-rolled under Leaderaur’s legs, narrowly avoiding the grapple.

“Your aim sucks, Leaderaur!” Dipper taunted from behind the hulking behemoth.

Further enraged, the Manotaur spun around and slammed his fist right down onto where he’d heard Dipper’s voice come from. Dipper had anticipated this, and jumped out of the way before the attack hit him. But it was only then, as Leaderaur’s fist sunk into the ground, that he realised what Dipper had been standing above.

The Pain Hole.

“ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!** ” Leaderaur exclaimed in agony as his hand became wracked in all-encompassing pain.

Dipper grinned, relieved at his success. If there was anything that could hurt a beast like Leaderaur, it was the Pain Hole.

And it turned out Dipper’s plan worked even better that he’d thought. The force of Leaderaur’s attack had jammed his fist tightly into the Pain Hole, to the point where he couldn’t pull it out. Still, Dipper knew someone as strong as the lead Manotaur wouldn’t be stuck for long, so he quickly jumped up the beast’s back until he was clinging to the monster’s head.

Leaderaur was in too much pain to even notice Dipper’s presence as he desperately tried to free his hand. With a mighty tug, he finally succeeded, his whole body jerking up from the force of the pull. This jerk launched Dipper up into the air, and when he fell back down he kicked with all his might against Leaderaur’s head. The Manotaur was already weakened by the excruciating Pain Hole, and completely unsuspecting of Dipper’s attack, so it was with relative ease that the boy managed to slam the giant Manotaur’s face down right into the Pain Hole.

Dipper had no idea how much having your head in the Pain Hole hurt, but he figured it was a lot.

Apparently, Leaderaur agreed.

After a few seconds of agonized howling, muffled slightly by the stone ground, the Pain Hole exploded as Leaderaur’s fiery breath built up in the compact space. The force was enough to send Leaderaur flying up into the air and come crashing down on his back.

Dipper looked at his opponent. Leaderaur’s face was charred and smoking, and his eyes closed. He was down for the count.

Dipper won.

Dipper smiled as he began walking back home through the woods, sore pretty much everywhere. In the end, after all of that work and training, it was like he had always said. Having muscle and power was good, something impressive and satisfying to work at. But in a fight, brains would always be more important than brawn.

Dipper looked down at his more developed six-pack, and flexed his biceps a bit. He smiled.

Though, the more he thought about it, he figured having both was a pretty sweet deal.

 

**_18-11-0’-25   13-11-0 10-21-3-20   0-21 8-1-25-15-20-11-25-25~!_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, welcome back!  
> So first off, sorry this is a day late. Memorial Day was way busier than I thought it would be, and I didn't have time to do the final edits for this chapter until today. Probably should've planned ahead better, but oh well.  
> So yeah, this chapter is a bit more laid back than the others. I managed to fit a whole episode into one chapter this time by cutting out the B story completely. I don't think anyone will lose too much sleep over that. Only thing really worth bringing up is that Dipper was somehow able to complete the Manotaurs' training. There actually is a reason for that, but I can't really say what it was. The last time I tried giving spoilers the auto-censor shut me down, so... I guess you'll just be left in suspense for the reveal to a mystery that, in the grand scheme of things, isn't that important. Yay?  
> What's far more exciting, at least to me, is that someone FINALLY cracked the codes I've been leaving at the end of each chapter!  
> ... And pointing out some possible spelling errors on my part...  
> ... I never said I was good at this.  
> But yeah, props to KattePigen for being the first documented reader to break the code! Maybe now I should change it? *maniacal laughter*  
> ... Eh, probably not. Sounds like a lot of work.  
> I think that's all for today. I'm a bit behind on writing thanks to yesterday, but I'll try to get back on schedule before next Monday. If not, maybe Tuesdays will become the new update days? Hope not, that would just be kinda awkward. But regardless, thank you all for reading, and have a great day.


	8. Mystery Shack Party Night! (Start of Something New)

Dipper relaxed on the couch in Mystery Shack, sifting through the Journal. He’d added a section on the Manotaurs, as well as the ghosts from the convenience store. He’d actually looked into the events that surrounded their deaths after the whole incident. Turns out they died from heart attacks triggered by the shock of constant exposure to rap music. Dipper couldn’t decide if that was total nonsense, or the most realistic thing he’d heard since arriving in Gravity Falls. Though much to his dismay, it didn’t seem that the event had any ulterior causes or motives. Ergo, no connection to the Author. It was a slim chance at a lead in the first place, but it was still the only potential lead he’d had to finding the Author or the one who was after them. Back to square one.

Dipper tucked the Journal away Stan, Soos, and Wendy entered the cleared out room with various party supplies. They were in the middle of redecorating the Shack, turning it into a sort of dance club party area. Dipper would’ve been really excited at the prospect of a party, if he cared. A whole bunch of random strangers together in an enclosed area spasming to terrible pop songs? Yeah, count him out. Still, it was the exact kind of thing Mabel would love, so he figured that he could tolerate the obnoxiously loud affair if it meant she got to have a good time and meet new friends. As long as he didn’t have to be anywhere near it.

“Oh no, Dipper!” Mabel said as she approached her brother, holding something behind her back. “I-I don’t feel so good! I-BBBBLLLAAAAGGHH!”

Dipper gave his sister a blank, unamused stare as she held a can of silly string next to her face and sprayed it on him.

“Hahaha, barfing,” Mabel giggled.

“You’re a never-ending comedy goldmine, Mabel,” the boy deadpanned.

“Guys, guys, stop!” Wendy cried frantically as she ran up to the two. “Something terrible just happened!”

Dipper and Mabel each stopped their hijinx and stared at Wendy, wondering what supernatural freak they’d need to pulverize today.

“BBBBLLLAAAA!” Wendy exclaimed as she pulled her own can of silly string out and sprayed it all over the twins.

Wendy and Mabel laughed as they sprayed each other. Dipper, despite himself, couldn’t repress a small chuckle at the exchange. Wendy took that as her cue to spray him some more, and Dipper playfully covered his face, laughing ever so softly with the older girl.

Mabel gained a light pout at that. ‘ _ Oh, so when  _ I _ do it it’s childish and stupid, but when  _ Wendy _ does it it’s suddenly hilarious. The heck, Broseph? _ ’

“Alright, alright!” Stan groused as he swiped the silly string sprayers. “Party supplies are now off-limits.”

“Mr. Pines, whose birthday is it again?” Soos asked as he set down a box.

“Nobody’s,” Stan explained as he set up a Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey game. “Thought this party might be a good way to get kids to spend money at the Shack.”

“Nice!” Soos responded.

“The young people of this town want fun?” Stan said. “I’ll smother ‘em with fun!”

“And comments like that are why kids don’t go to the Mystery Shack,” Dipper said as he cleared the silly string off his face, and Mabel grabbed a can of Pit Cola.

“Hey, hey!” Stan said, brushing off the comment. “Hows about you make yourself useful and copy these flyers?”

Mabel took the flyer in her hand, smiling brightly. “Oh boy, a trip to the copier store!”

“Calendars, mugs, t-shirts and more! They got it all at the copier store!” Soos said. “That’s not their slogan, I just really feel that way about the copier store.”

“Save the trouble,” Stan said. “You know the old copier in my office? I finally fixed the old girl up! Good as new!”

“Oooooh,” Mabel said, intrigued. “C’mon, Bro-Bro!”

“Hey!” Dipper griped as he was dragged off by his sister.

The twins arrived in Stan’s office. Mabel saw the old copier, covered by a tarp. She quickly pulled the sheet off, and watched as moths flew out from underneath.

“Butterflies!” Mabel said with an enormous grin.

Dipper rested his arm on the machine. “Five bucks says this thing doesn’t even work.”

He pushed a few buttons experimentally, and after a bit of trying managed to coax the machine into whirring to life. It unexpectedly scanned Dipper’s arm resting on it, and printed out a paper with the image of said arm on it.

“Ha! Success!” Mabel exclaimed. “You owe me fi- Whoa!”

Mabel dropped the paper in surprise as the sheet began writhing. The twins’ eyes widened in surprise as, from the paper, the image of Dipper’s arm pulled itself off of the paper. It almost seemed to inflate as it became three dimensional and terrifyingly realistic. The arm suddenly began crawling at the two, and Mabel let out a startled cry as she chucked her soda at the appendage. The liquid splashed out and coated the arm, which quickly began melting.

“... So,” Dipper spoke as he viewed the bubbling puddle of what once looked like his arm. “Apparently this copier can copy human beings.”

“Do you realize what this means?” Mabel asked, looking at her brother with the most serious expression she had. “BBBBLLLAAAA!!”

Dipper blinked, a new coat of silly string on his face as he looked at his sister.

“Where did you even get tha-?”

“BLAAAAARRRGGH!”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Stan paced in front of Soos, Wendy, and the twins. The group was lined up in front of him, like soldiers in front of a drill sergeant. Well, Soos looked like a soldier, back ramrod straight as he awaited instructions. Mabel was shaking with barely contained glee, and Dipper and Wendy simply looked like they were bored with the proceedings.

“Alright party people,” Stan started. “... And Dipper. Let’s talk business. Soos, because you’ll work for free- and you begged- I’m lettin’ you be DJ.”

“You won’t regret it, Mr. Pines,” Soos said with an enthusiastic smile. “I got this book to teach me how to DJ  **r-r-right** !”

Stan gave an unimpressed look at Soos’ copy of “How to DJ R-R-R-Right” by DJ Scratch Trax. “Not encouraging. Wendy, you and Mabel will work at the ticket stand.”

“What? But Grunkle Stan, this party is my chance to make new friends!” Mabel said in a pleading tone.

Dipper cleared his throat, grabbing his family members’ attention. “I could work with Wendy.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “You realize that if you do, you gotta commit to stay in at the ticket stand with Wendy. No getting out of it, just the two of you, alone, all night.”

“I promise,” Dipper said, even holding his hand up in a “scout’s honor” gesture.

Mabel looked at her brother, confused, before slow realization began to dawn over her.

‘ _ Oh Bro… _ ’ Mabel thought, an impish grin spreading across her face.

 

**_… retaL, ni eht ‘sniwt moor…_ **

 

Dipper looked at himself in the mirror, specifically at the simple black bowtie around his neck. That was the only indicator that he was going to any fancy event. The rest of his attire was his usual outfit. The bowtie was such a small addition that he wondered why Stan insisted on it. A dollar store attempt at employee uniforms? He was just lucky that it was only the tie. Dipper hated dressing up with a passion. Suits were uncomfortable, and limited his movement. If there had been much more, he and Stan would’ve had issues.

“Swanky look, Bro.”

Dipper turned as Mabel walked up next to him. His sister was wearing a particularly sparkly purple sweater (though it was still tied around her waist for some reason). She wore a loose orange tank top perfect for energetic dancing, and a matching orange skirt. The orange didn’t stop there, as she had an orange ribbon tied in a bow holding her usual ponytail. One look at her outfit was all it took to know Mabel was ready to party, but Dipper was more concerned about the smug grin his sister was giving him.

“... What?” Dipper finally asked, fiddling with his tie a bit more.

“‘Uh, uh, I could work the counter with you, Wendy!’” Mabel said in a goofy tone. “‘Let’s kiss!’”

Dipper gave his sister a light swat on the back of her head, annoyed. “So this is the thanks I get for making sure you get to party, huh?”

“C’mon bro,” Mabel said with an eye roll. “I was just kidding when I said you were in love with her, but  _ man _ . You fell hard, didn’t ya?”

Dipper’s first instinct was to deny his sister’s comment, but decided against it. “... Okay, yeah. I like her, alright?”

Mabel let out a “squee” so high pitched Dipper was sure only dogs could hear it.

“ _ Ohmygoshmybrotherhasacrush!!! _ ” Mabel gushed excitedly.

“Okay Mabel,” Dipper said, wincing from the shrill sound. “Dial it back a bit.”

“No way!” Mabel countered. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited for this moment!? I’m freaking out right now!”

Dipper sighed. “This was a mistake…”

“No, no, it’s fine!” Mabel insisted as she tried to get her breathing under control. “It’s cool, I’m cool! Just, ah, give me a sec…”

After a few deep, controlled breaths, Mabel calmed down a bit (on the outside, at least).

“You good?” Dipper asked.

Mabel nodded, enormous smile still spread wide across her face.

“You sure?”

“Oh, just spill already!” Mabel responded. “How long has this been going on? Does she know about it? How many kids are you going to have? I need details, man!”

“Okay!” Dipper interjected, stopping his sister dead in her tracks. “I’m leaving now. We’ll continue this conversation never.”

“No, don’t!” Mabel said. “I’m sorry, I’m just so excited. Really though, does she know?”

“... No, she doesn’t,” Dipper said. “I was going to use tonight to hang out with her, to try to see if she feels the same way, and if she does, then maybe we can try making something out of this.”

Mabel made the sound of a buzzer blaring. “You gotta go for it Bro-Bro! If you wait too long trying to feel things out, you’ll miss your chance.”

“Yeah, no offense Mabel, but I think I’ll try things my way first,” Dipper said. “You don’t exactly have the best track record with dates.”

“Wow,” Mabel said. “Low blow there, Dippin’ Sauce.”

“I just don’t want to jump in and make a fool out of myself over possibly nothing,” Dipper said. “Wendy is really nice, and I like being friends. I don’t want to ruin that over nothing.”

“Alright, I get it,” Mabel conceded. “Just don’t get so caught up in your head that you hold yourself back.”

Dipper nodded absently, fiddling with his tie once again. He appreciated Mabel’s concern, but he already knew what he was going to do. He wasn’t going to panic. He would remain calm, and rational. He would just talk with Wendy, read her social cues, and from there determine if he even had a chance. Simple as that.

 

**_… retaL, edistuo eht kcahS…_ **

 

Dipper realized there was a  _ slight _ issue with his plan.

He had to talk.

And read facial cues.

Two things he sucked royally at.

_ … help… _

Dipper wished he’d had this epiphany before he’d sat down with Wendy at the ticket stand, but no sense dwelling on what could have been. The boy glanced at Wendy as she sold another ticket. The line was decently long, but it was overall pretty chill. The two workers didn’t have any real sense of agency about them at the moment. Heck, Dipper himself had barely done anything. He’d mainly just helped Wendy take the money when a group of people entered at once. So this was the perfect opportunity to stir up casual conversation, and try subtly probing for info.

So why wasn’t he doing that?

Dipper pushed down a grimace. They’d managed to have two decent conversations during the whole Dusk 2 Dawn fiasco, so why couldn’t he do that now?

… Stupid question, he knew why. Wendy had been the one to start the conversations both times before. Dipper had just responded and let the ball roll from there. But now Wendy seemed content to take tickets in silence, occasionally munching on the popcorn that the two had to snack on.

‘ _ If she wanted to talk, she would have said something by now, right? _ ’ Dipper thought to himself. ‘ _ I mean, she’s barely even looked at me this whole time. She probably wouldn’t like me interrupting whatever she’s thinking about just for some small talk. I know I wouldn’t. Or wait, maybe she knows that and that’s why she hasn’t said anything to me, because she thinks I don’t want to talk. So maybe I just need to say something. But what do I even say? If I mess that up then the rest of the night will be an awkward mess. And what if she actually doesn’t want to talk after all? _ ’

Dipper clenched his fists under the table, frustrated.

‘ _ Focus, _ ’ he told himself. ‘ _ Don’t panic. Stay calm. Get the talking started and see where it goes. Talking… Just, just say something. Anything. I banter with Mabel all the time, I can do that with Wendy. Yeah, just do that. Casual banter. Casual ban- _ ’

“Whoa!” Wendy exclaimed as she peeked into the window behind them. “Sounds like the party’s getting nuts! I gotta get in there! Cover for me?”

“Uh,” Dipper stuttered, of balance from the sudden request. “Um, I mean I-”

“Thanks, man!” Wendy said with a wave as she ducked inside the Shack.

Dipper blinked. Well, that chance had passed. But the night was still young, so he hadn’t completely blown it yet. He just had to head in and talk with Wendy.

“I’ll be back shortly,” Dipper told the line, earning him some boos from the waiting group.

“Hey!” Stan said, grabbing Dipper by the back of his jacket.

‘ _ Argh! _ ’ Dipper grunted in his mind as he was yanked back. ‘ _ When did he get here? _ ’

“What are you doing, kid?” Stan asked. “These suckers aren’t gonna rip themselves off!”

“Yeah!” one of the kids from the line agreed.

“You promised, remember?” Stan reminded the boy.

Dipper frowned, frustrated. Should’ve known that would come back to bite him. But he needed to see Wendy. He couldn’t afford to waste this chance with her. But there was no way Stan would let him out of this. If only he could be in two places at once.

Dipper’s eyes widened.

Lightbulb.

“Okay,” Dipper said, intentionally fidgeting a bit. “But I need to go to the bathroom.”

Stan scoffed. “You think I was born yesterday, kid?”

‘ _ Pretty sure no one thinks that, _ ’ Dipper thought to himself. “Come on, Grunkle Stan. You wouldn’t want an accident happening out here would you? Can’t imagine that would be good for sales.”

Stan narrowed his eyes at his great nephew. “Five minutes. A second more and you’ll be doin’ extra chores for a week.”

Dipper nodded, before racing into the Shack. However, he passed the bathroom, dashing straight into Stan’s office. He walked across the room, stopping in front of the copier.

Question:

Was this a good idea?

Answer:

Too late, Dipper already copied himself.

‘ _ I hope this works, _ ’ Dipper thought as he slid off the copier.

He watched as the paper printed out, displaying an image of himself from the back. As the picture finished printing and the paper fell on the floor, Dipper waited expectantly. The paper began shaking, and Dipper took a hesitant step back. Suddenly, an arm popped up from the paper, then another. The limbs touched the floor, pushing themselves up, and forcing a torso from the picture. A head soon followed, and then with a strange “shloop” sound, the figure rose completely from the paper, fully embracing the third dimension.

The two looked at each other, blinking.

“Man, that tie really does look stupid,” they both said at the same time, before pausing. “Did you do that on purpose? No, I- stop that. No you. Interplanetary kung-fu thesaurus!”

Both chuckled at the last bit they said. Both Dippers held up a hand, signalling for a pause, before realizing that they’d run into the same problem. The clone Dipper lowered his hand, figuring he’d let the original talk first.

“Thanks,” OG Dipper said, pulling out a sharpie from a holder on Stan’s desk.

Dipper noted that the copier had made a perfect clone of himself, apparently mentally as well as physically, with one exception. Clone Dipper’s letterman patch was blank, missing the pine tree symbol. An odd detail to be left out, but it provided Dipper with the perfect place for…

“There,” Dipper said, having written a “2” on the blank patch. “Now what can I call you? ‘Number 2’ isn’t gonna fly.”

“Definitely not,” Clone Dipper agreed with a nod. “You know a name I’ve always wanted?”

“Tyrone?” they both asked, grinning.

“Okay, Tyrone,” Dipper said. “I’m thinking you cover me at the ticket stand, while I talk to Wendy.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” Tyrone agreed.

Dipper grinned, before a thought occurred to him. “Hey, we’re not gonna get jealous and turn on each other like the clones in the movies, are we?”

Both thought about it for a moment, before shrugging and saying, “Nah.”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Dipper walked into the danceroom, scanning the area. Eventually his eyes landed on Wendy, who was apparently talking to someone. There was a group in the way, so Dipper couldn’t see who the other person was, but he decided it wasn’t a big deal. If anything, a pre-started conversation to jump into might be just the thing he needed to talk to Wendy.

He gave a quick glance out his window, and saw Tyrone sitting at the ticket booth. His clone turned back and saw Dipper, giving his original a thumbs up. Everything was going great.

“Hey Wendy!” Dipper announced, getting the redhead’s attention. “I got someone to cover tickets for me!”

“That’s awesome,” Wendy said, gesturing to her companion. “You can hang out with me and Robbie.”

Dipper barely managed to stop himself from frowning.  _ Of course _ she was talking to Robbie. Why not? What’s more, Wendy was giving the younger boy a sort of... look.

‘ _... She’s trying to make sure I won’t hit him again, isn’t she? _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ Well, so much for not making things uncomfortable. _ ’

Robbie narrowed his eyes at Dipper. “Whatever. Yo, Wendy, check out my new guitar.”

At that, Robbie strummed a few chords. Dipper begrudgingly had to admit that it was competent playing. Not great, but it was still more than Dipper could play, which was nothing.

“Whoa, cool!” Wendy said with a thumbs up.

That grimace was getting harder and harder to push down.

Dipper was jolted out of his frustration by his cell phone vibrating. Stepping away for a bit, he pulled the device out. The caller ID said the person was… himself? Oh right, clone.

“Yeah?” Dipper said as he answered the phone.

“I just got the same anger flash,” Tyrone said.

“If I want to talk with Wendy, then Robbie’s gotta go,” Dipper said.

“I’m all for messing with Robbie,” Tyrone said. “But I need to stay here and do the tickets.”

“You’re right,” Dipper said, thinking for a moment. “... But I think I know where I can get more help.”

“Good idea, me,” Tyrone said. “Go for it.”

Dipper put his phone away and peeked back at Wendy and Robbie. They were sitting on the couch together. That was Dipper’s que to go ruin Robbie’s night.

… No Dipper wasn’t jealous, shut up.

 

**_… enO gninolc retal…_ **

 

“… and that’s where you come in, Number Three,” Dipper said as drew a “3” on the new clone’s letterman patch.

“Sounds fun,” Dipper-clone said with a smirk. “But I want my own name too.”

“Okay…” Dipper said thoughtfully. “So, third Dipper, the number three… Um, ‘tres’? Tracey?”

The clone sighed. “Fine, fine. Tracey, for now. But we’re coming up with something better later.”

“Okay, cool,” Dipper said with a shrug.

“... Hey,” Tracey said, “I just thought of something.”

“I think I just thought of the same thing,” Dipper responded. “What if something else goes wrong?”

“Stan could come back in and find you,” Tracey said.

“Yeah, that could be an issue,” Dipper said with a nod of agreement. “We need someone to keep him out of the way.”

Both Dippers glanced at the copier.

“Let’s make this easy on us and name this one Quattro, okay?” Tracey said.

“Sure.”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Dipper stepped out into the dance room again. He hurried through a crowd of people, obscuring him from view so no one would notice a second him coming out of the same hallway a few seconds later. Dipper weaved between the various patrons, who were all cheering about something. He wasn’t sure what about, but he didn’t really care at the moment. He made his way to the DJ stand, glancing around the room as he did. Stan was being lead off by a dollar bill on a fishing line (that SERIOUSLY worked? Okay then…). And with a quick look out the window, he saw Tracey biking away. Perfect.

At that, Dipper stepped up next to Soos, and whispered something in his ear.

“Dudes,” Soos announced over the music, “would the owner of a silver and red dirt bike please report outside. It is being stolen right now.”

“Wait, WHAT?!” Robbie exclaimed, jumping up from the couch.

Dipper smiled at the sight of the overly edgy teen running off.

“Tough break,” Dipper said as she approached the red head.

“Now we’re gonna bring it down for a minute,” Soos said into the microphone. “Ladies, dudes, now’s the time.”

“Oh snap, I love this song,” Wendy said as she began swaying in her seat to the music.

Dipper smiled, and sat on the arm of the couch. He looked around the room, checking for Stan. He didn’t see his great uncle, but he did notice his sister. She seemed a little short on breath, and was hanging with a few girls he’d never seen before. When she caught his eye, she gave him a thumbs up, and Dipper nodded. He look back at Wendy and…

And…

…  _ gulp _ …

“ _ Igottagocheckontheticketssorry! _ ” Dipper blurted out as he dashed away.

Dripper ran into one of the hallways and leaned against the wall, breath heavy.

‘ _ What the heck was that!?!? _ ’ Dipper shouted in his mind. ‘ _ That was the perfect chance! All I had to do was talk to her! _ ’

Why? Why couldn’t he just sit and talk to Wendy? Why did the idea of doing that scare him so much?

Dipper pulled out his phone and dialed up the last number he’d talked to.

“Tyrone?” Dipper asked as his clone answered the phone.

“What’s up, Dipper?” Tyrone asked.

“Any word from Tracey or Quattro?” Dipper asked quickly.

“No,” Tyrone said, picking up on the franticness in his double’s voice. “Saw Quattro lead Stan out of the Shack a bit ago, but that’s it. Is everything okay? You don’t sound to good.”

“... I don’t know what to do,” Dipper said. “Every time I try talking to Wendy, I just… just freeze!”

“You just have to do it,” Tyrone said.

“It isn’t that easy!” Dipper insisted.

“Do you need help?” Tyrone asked. “Quattro’s got Stan distracted, so I could-”

“No,” Dipper said, trying to calm himself. “No, you’re an exact copy of me. You’ll just have the same problems I am. I can do it. I just need to stay calm, stay rational. If I do that I can figure this out.”

Tyrone hummed, thinking the statement over. “... Alright, but let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“R-right,” Dipper responded, before hanging up.

Dipper tucked his phone away, doing some slow breaths. Once he had steadied his rapid heartbeat, the boy thought through his options. What could he do? Brief thoughts of offering to dance with Wendy dashed through his mind, but he just as swiftly cast them aside. It was more important to figure out if she even had any interest in him first. Leave loftier goals for later.

His plan was to talk with her. Simple on paper, proving difficult in reality. So what could make things easier? Conversational topics. Yes, if he actually planned out a general idea of what he would say that would probably help. But what to talk about? Something he knew Wendy had an interest in, so the conversation wouldn’t be a drag. Well, at the end of the whole Dusk 2 Dawn ordeal she had left an open invitation for them to hang out more. Maybe bring that up. That would allow for a simple conversation starter while also potentially getting him another chance to hang with Wendy. And if she wanted to hang out, he could then ask what she’d want to do, with the legitimate excuse of not knowing all the things to do in Gravity Falls. Thus, Wendy would then be doing most of the talking, taking some of the pressure off of Dipper’s social anxiety.

From there… he could try getting the conversation to move to a place where he could ask about Wendy’s feelings for him, but he was starting to get the feeling that wouldn’t pan out well tonight. Probably best to save that for their next hang out time. Getting to know Wendy a little better and spending more time with her would probably help the question seem less out of left field, anyway. So just, talk with Wendy, plan next hang out time, and enjoy the rest of the night. Alright, that was a game plan. Now all he had to do was go back to the couch and-

Dipper rounded a corner to head back to the dancefloor, but bumped right into Wendy in the hallway.

“Oh, hey man,” Wendy greeted. “What’s up? Ticket guy doing okay?”

And just like that Dipper forgot every plan he’d just made.

… being in love sucks…

“U-um, yeah…” Dipper stuttered out. “Yeah, he’s doing good. Heard from him Stan ran off a while ago, s-so uh, we’re probably good.”

“Nice,” Wendy said with a nod. “Free to party hardy all night!”

Dipper swallowed uncomfortably. “S-so… what are you, ah… W-what are you doing here? I-I mean, wouldn’t you rather be out on the dance floor?”

“Just waiting for the bathroom,” Wendy said, gesturing to the closed restroom door.

Dipper resisted the urge to facepalm. He  _ lived _ is the Shack, how had he not realized that’s where they were standing? That didn’t make things awkward or anything. Great, now how was he supposed to-?

“So hey,” Wendy said, cutting through Dipper’s stressed thoughts, “let’s say everyone at this party gets stuck on a desert island. Who do you think the leader would be?”

“I, uh…” Dipper mumbled, unsure about the random topic.

“I think I’d go with this lunatic,” Wendy said, pointing to a short, sweaty man frantically dancing near the edge of the crowd.

Dipper smiled, unable to repress a snicker at the thought. “... I’d probably go for Stretch over there. ‘Cause tall people can reach coconuts?”

Wendy chuckled at the tall guy in question, doing the moonwalk.

“Speaking of tall, wanna see something?” Wendy asked.

Dipper nodded, and Wendy reached into her back pocket. She pulled out her wallet and flipped it open, showing a picture she had in the item. Dipper saw three young boys with the same red hair as Wendy. There was a fourth person standing next to the three, but Wendy had her thumb over the last person’s face.

“Those are my brothers,” Wendy explained, “and I’m…”

Wendy lifted her thumb, revealing a younger version of herself. This younger Wendy was very tall for her age, had pigtails that even with his apparent cherry-colored love goggles on Dipper just couldn’t find attractive, extremely uncomfortable looking braces, and poorly fitting clothes that spoke of one going through puberty. Dipper was very glad for his default deadpan expression, since it helped him keep any reactions off his face. What reaction it would’ve been he wasn’t sure, but he knew it would’ve been embarrassing.

“Boooop,” Wendy said. “Pre-teen Freakazoid.”

“It’s not that bad,” Dipper said. “At least you grew out of that…”

Wendy quirked an eyebrow, curious. “As opposed to…?”

Dipper felt his cheeks heat up. He’d said too much. Still, Wendy had shown him an embarrassing photo of herself. It was only fair he show something in return.

Dipper lifted his bangs, showing Wendy for the first time an unobstructed view of his forehead. Wendy’s eyes widen when she saw the shape of a particular constellation.

“The Big Dipper!” Wendy said, grinning at the unexpected sight.

“Kids used to make fun of my birthmark before I started wearing my bangs down,” Dipper said. “It was one of the reasons I got into so many fights as a kid.”

“So it’s a birthmark?” Wendy asked. “I saw bits of it before, but I just thought it was some kinda acne or whatever. Birthmark is way cooler though.”

Dipper gained a small smile at the comment. It was the first time anyone other than Mabel had said his birthmark was cool.

Wendy’s eyes suddenly widened in realization, and she slapped her hand against her head. “ _ That’s _ how you got your nickname! I thought your parents just hated you or something.”

The remark had only been meant as a joke, but Wendy noticed Dipper’s easy expression darken as she said it. It was only then that she realized that she’d never heard Dipper or Mabel ever discuss their parents.

“Sorry,” Wendy apologized, “that just kind of slipped out. Not a good topic?”

Dipper cursed in his head. Of course, just when he’s having a good time,  _ THEY _ have to ruin it.

“Hey man, if you don’t wanna talk about it’s cool,” Wendy said, trying to ease the feelings she’d accidentally stirred up.

“No, no,” Dipper answered. “It’s fine. It’s just, my parents are… a sore subject for me and Mabel.”

“Do you… want to talk about it?” Wendy asked hesitantly.

Dipper’s internal voice was screaming a loud “NO!!!” at himself. This was way past casual conversation. This was opening up in a way Dipper had never done before, and he shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t. He was trying to get close to Wendy, not scare her off with all his baggage.

And yet, his stupid mouth was still talking.

“My dad’s… nice, I guess?” Dipper spoke despite himself. “I don’t really know. He’s a total workaholic. Even on his days off he’s almost always getting ahead of schedule, or fixing someone else’s mess. I guess he tries making up for it by being the ‘Cool Dad’ whenever we do see him, but well… I know next to nothing about him. I couldn’t even tell you his birthday, he’s always too busy to celebrate it. And I can guarantee he doesn’t know mine and Mabel’s.”

He saw the sad look on Wendy’s face. Her eyes were filled with pity, which he simultaneously hated and appreciated. Dipper despised being looked down on like that, but at the same time, it was nice to know someone actually,  _ genuinely  _ cared.

“And our mom, geez…” Dipper continued. “Let’s just say I know where Mabel and I got our violent streaks.”

Wendy’s eyes widened in shock. “You don’t mean she-!?!”

“No, no!” Dipper cut in, realizing how badly he’d worded that. “She’s never actually hit us or anything like that, but… Well, she throws and breaks stuff when she gets upset. Never at me or Mabel, but… I’ve noticed that sometimes after arguments our dad will sit weirdly, or have ‘Mystery Bruises’.”

Dipper scoffed at the phase often used by his father as he said it.

“No real mystery there.”

The boy glanced back at Wendy, and saw her appalled look.

“You been living with that?” Wendy asked. “For how long?!”

“As long as I can remember,” Dipper said with a shrug. “Can’t think of a time when they didn’t have some kind of issues. I remember thinking it was weird when I learned other families weren’t like that.”

Wendy seemed at a loss for words. “Dude… I-I… I had no idea...”

“Yeah, kind of the point,” Dipper said. “Not exactly the kind of thing you want everyone talking about behind your back, y’know?”

The two slipped in silence, Dipper swearing to himself that he would staple his mouth shut. He contemplated how best to leave the conversation before he could further sour his friendship with Wendy, before the older girl spoke.

“... So why’d you tell me?” Wendy asked. “You said you didn’t like talking about it. Why tell me?”

Dipper’s stomach fell, but he thankfully managed to keep a neutral face. How the heck was he supposed to explain that without spilling everything?

“... Guess I just needed to get it out of my system,” Dipper finally answered. “And well, you saw me fight those ghosts at the store. Figured if anyone could handle the less good parts of my life, you could.”

Dipper gave an awkward laugh as he looked away.

“Sorry about dropping so much heavy stuff on you,” the boy said, embarrassed.

“Hey.”

Dipper felt a hand rest on his shoulder, and turned to see Wendy giving him a heartwarming smile.

“I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me that,” Wendy said.

Dipper couldn’t, despite his best efforts, push back the genuine smile that grew on his face.

At that, the door to the bathroom burst open, and a blonde girl Dipper hadn’t seen before breezed past them to the dance floor.

“Welp, nature calls,” Wendy said as she stepped into the restroom. “Nice talking to ya, Dipper. Do it again sometime?”

“Sure,” Dipper said, managing to suppress his smile this time.

“Cool,” Wendy said, shutting the door.

At that, Dipper speed-walked away, trying to put as much distance as he could between himself and the redhead. He made it to the crowded party room, and dashed to the concessions stand. In the back of his mind he heard some voice singing Bad, but at the moment he was way too frazzled to care about what was going on. He quickly swiped a couple of Pit Colas before dashing off to the roof ladder. He climbed up to the rooftop and moved over to the hangout spot Wendy had set up.

With a sigh, Dipper sat on the edge of the elevation. He cracked open a can of soda and took a long drink from it. What had he done?

“Some night, huh?”

Dipper turned around and saw Tyrone walking over to him.

“People stopped showing, and Stan hadn’t come back,” Tyrone explained as he sat next to his original, grabbing his own can. “What happened?”

Dipper let out a long exhale. “I did something really dumb, but it might’ve worked out well. I don’t know.”

Dipper gave Tyrone the abridged version of what he had told Wendy, and his clone blanched.

“You told her all that!?” Tyrone asked incredulously. “What were you thinking!?!”

“I don’t know!!!” Dipper responded. “My mouth wouldn’t shut up!”

“Well, this is just great…” Tyrone said, facepalming. “No way she’ll want anything to do with us now.”

“That’s the thing,” Dipper said. “She didn’t back off, or try to bail out. She was actually happy I told her.”

“She was happy you told her how crappy our lives are?” Tyrone asked, disbelief clear.

“It didn’t make a lot of sense,” Dipper admitted. “But she actually said she wouldn’t mind having more conversations like we had.”

“But why would she want anything to do with that mess?” Tyrone asked.

“I don’t know,” Dipper said.

“Are you sure you’re not reading too deep into things?” Tyrone asked.

“Maybe?” Dipper responded. “But I’ve been doing that all night. I got so caught up in my own head that I couldn’t even talk to Wendy. The only time I could say anything was when I went with my gut, played it by ear. And it seemed to work.”

“Mabel did warn us not to overthink things and be direct,” Tyrone said with a nod. “Maybe she was right after all.”

“Wait, does that mean Mabel actually gave us good relationship advice?” Dipper asked, baffled by the very notion.

“Don’t get ahead of ourselves,” Tyrone said. “You had one good conversation. I don’t think we’re doing good enough to call this thing with Wendy a ‘relationship’ yet.”

“Fair,” Dipper conceded. “But I don’t know, man. Maybe Wendy might actually like me as me. The good and the bad.”

“Becoming an optimist, are we?” Tyrone asked, earning him a playful slug to the shoulder. “I don’t know, if what you said was true, then that’s pretty promising. But still-”

“Wendy’s three years older than us,” Dipper interjected. “I know. Even if we did start dating, if we actually stayed together eventually she’d be an adult woman going out with a teenager. And that’s ignoring the fact that we have to go home once summer’s over, and probably won’t ever get to see her again.”

Both boys let out a long sigh, not overjoyed by the prospects presented.

“... Do you think we even have a chance with her?” Dipper asked.

“I don’t know,” Tyrone answered. “Realistically, I’d have to say no. But how’s the saying go?”

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,’” Dipper quoted. “Think that’s really true?”

“Maybe?” Tyrone said with a shrug. “Only one way to find out, I guess.”

Dipper grinned at that, and nodded.

“To finding out,” the boy said, raising his can.

“Here, here,” Tyrone responded, meeting the toast with his own can.

Both Dippers took a long drink from their cans, when suddenly their eyes both widened.

“Oh boy,” Tyrone said as he stared at his now melting stomach. “Don’t look now.”

“Tyrone!” Dipper exclaimed, watching his double begin turning into a puddle.

“It’s okay, I had a good run,” Tyrone said, his legs gone. “Remember what we talked about. And quit being such a wimp around Wendy. For my sake…”

And with that, Tyrone was nothing more than a mess of bubbling liquid.

Dipper let out a breath. It wasn’t every day you saw yourself die. In silence, Dipper extended his arm and poured out the rest of his drink where Tyrone had once been, honoring the memory of… himself…

Wow, this town was weird.

Dipper made his way back down into the Shack. It seemed the party was over, with everyone having cleared out. Well, accept Mabel who was still dancing with the two girls from earlier. Soos was still playing around with his DJ keyboard, and Stan was back, counting all the money he’d made throughout the night. And Wendy…

Dipper smiled, seeing Wendy leaning against one of the walls, nodding her head to the song playing. She was still there.

Dipper took in a deep breath.

Time to do it.

“Dipper! Where have you been?” Mabel called at her brother. “Meet my girlfriends!”

Well, maybe after checking with his sister.

After all, the night was still young.

 

**3-11-20-10-5   X   22-7-22-11-24   16-7-19 10-15-22-22-11-24   21-0-22**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo hoo! Back on schedule! High five!
> 
> (Realizes no one can high five me over the internet)
> 
> (Proceeds to high five self)
> 
> Yeah!
> 
> Welcome back one and all, to the latest chapter of Fighting in the Falls. So we go from a relatively less important chapter with two fights in it last week, to a very significant chapter with no fighting this week. Variety!  
> In all seriousness, to those of you who were hoping for a big battle between Dipper and his clones over who got to hang with Wendy, sorry. I did consider doing a big clone fight, but I ultimately scrapped the idea for two main reasons. One, I just couldn't see this Fight Falls version of Dipper turning on himself like that. This Dipper is far more composed and thoughtful than canon Dipper, and fighting himself just seemed really out of character for him. The other reason is, well...  
> I genuinely couldn't come up with a believable way for Dipper Classic to win. I mean, even with the reduction of clones to just three of them, that's still three exact copies of Dipper both physically and mentally. He couldn't possibly overpower them, and any strategy he could come up with would be ineffective because his clones would've thought of the same thing, and could think of a way to counter it.  
> So yeah, in light of that, I decided to make this chapter more character focused than combat focused. I guess you all will be the judges on whether or not that was a good call.  
> But wait, some of you may be thinking, where was Mabel in all of this? She was barely in the chapter!  
> Very true. That's because the next chapter is going to be her side of events. I figured that would be a better way to split the episode up this time, since the A and B plots are completely unconnected and don't really mesh well. So get ready for next week when Mabel makes new friends and a certain annoying blonde makes her first appearance. I know I'm excited.  
> In any case, I think that's it. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Feel free to leave a comment about what you liked, what you didn't like, or just any questions you have. I always appreciate feedback on how to improve.  
> With that said, thanks for reading, and have a great day.


	9. Mystery Shack Party Night! (Bop To The Top)

Mabel looked out over the crowd of dancers. She had to give her grunkle props, the party was looking pretty fun. Mabel felt an excited smile spread across her face as she viewed all those present. So many potential new friends! Possibly even… besties? Let the squeeing commence!

“Yadda dee, yada doo, yada doo,” Stan hummed as he strolled up behind his great niece. “Can your uncle throw a party or what?”

Mabel gave a giddy nod as her response, smile still stretched wide.

“And if anyone wants to leave, I’m charging an exit fee of 15 bucks!” Stan added.

Mabel was so happy she didn’t even care about her grunkle’s money grubbing. Unable to wait any longer, the girl dashed down the stairs and joined the crowd in dancing. She arrived just as Soos swapped the music from a generic but catchy EDM beat to the Cupid Shuffle.

‘ _ Aw yeah! _ ’ Mabel thought. ‘ _ This is my jam! _ ’

Mabel glanced around at the other partygoers, enjoying seeing them all do the dance. As she did the kicks she noticed a furiously dancing sweaty man shorter than herself. She giggled a bit at the sight, as well as at a really tall guy with the most intense expression as he went through the steps robotically. She figured he was trying to make sure he didn’t mess up any of the steps, but even with all his focus he still stumbled a bit. Or maybe it was because of his intense focus that he kept messing up. Mabel always found she danced better when she didn’t think about moves that much and just went with the rhythm. Or, like then, she knew the moves so well that doing them was essentially just muscle memory. If you get into it enough, then even mistakes look intentional.

Eventually the song ended, and Mabel stepped off the dancefloor to the side. She wiped the bits of sweat off her forehead, stepping toward some seats to the rhythm of the new song playing.

“Go, go!” she called to the crowd of people still dancing. “Work it, work it!”

Mabel swiped a water bottle from the concessions table, and found a unoccupied chair. She sat and cracked open the bottle, sipping some water from it. She wasn’t particularly thirsty, but it was important to keep hydrated at times like these.

Screwing back on the bottle’s lid, Mabel glanced next to her and noticed two girls sitting next to her. They each looked to be about her age, if she had to guess. The one right next to her was fairly stocky in her build, and the other was much smaller. Mabel might’ve considered the girls’ appearances more, but something much more important caught her attention. Namely, the lizard resting on the bigger girl’s shoulder.

“Wow!” Mabel said, marveling at the sight. “You’ve got an animal on your body! I’m Mabel.”

In retrospect, not her smoothest introduction, but it would do.

“Hi, I’m Grenda,” the bigger girl said with her surprisingly deep voice. “This is Candy.”

The smaller girl, apparently named Candy, waved at Mabel. It was then that Mabel noticed that Candy had plastic forks taped to the tips of her fingers. And her thumbs. Did thumbs count as fingers? Not the point.

“Why do you have forks taped to your fingers?” Mabel asked.

As an answer, Candy stuck her hand into the bowl of popcorn Grenda had been eating from. When she removed her hand, Mabel gained an awed smile when she saw popcorn stuck to the forks.

“Improvement of human being,” Candy said in a soft and accented voice.

At that, Grenda’s lizard stuck its head out and swiped a piece of popcorn from one of Candy’s forks. The two girls laughed at the sight, and Mabel joined in with a happy giggle. Candy and Grenda seemed nice, quirky, and a bit random. Exactly Mabel’s kind of people.

The current song ended, and Soos tapped the DJ mic to get everyone’s attention. “Remember dudes, who ever, um…”

Soos paused to reread that section of his DJ instruction book.

“... ‘Party hardies’, what? Ah, gets the Party Crown! Most applause at the end of the night wins!”

“Wow!” Candy and Grenda both said as Soos displayed the crown for the crowd to see.

“Party Crown?”

Mabel turned to look where the voice had come from. She saw another girl her age walk to the front of the crowd. This blonde girl had two other girls as her entourage, and Mabel noted that everyone crowding around her and her groupies moved out of the way instantly.

“I’ll take that, thank you very much!” the blonde said as she reached Soos’ DJ board.

“... Who’s that?” Mabel asked, her ever-present smile vanishing for the first time that night.

“The most popular girl in town,” Candy explained. “Pacifica Northwest.”

“I always feel bad about myself around her…” Grenda grumbled uncomfortably.

Yep, that was pretty much what Mabel had been expecting. She’d encountered many girls like that before in school. They were always the ones that made fun of her looks, or her lack of make up and fancy clothes, or her history of fights. Mabel repressed the growing urge to go over and yank the stuck up girl away from the crown and tell her to work for it like the rest of them. She was hoping to make friends at this party, not broadcast her more violent tendencies to every kid in town.

“I can’t just give you the crown,” Soos said awkwardly. “It’s sort of a competition thing.”

“Honestly, who’s gonna compete against me?” Pacifica asked, laughing as she surveyed the crowd. “Fork girl? Lizard lady?”

“Hold me, Candy!” Grenda cried as she hugged the smaller girl.

“Our kind isn’t welcome here!” Candy exclaimed sadly as she met the embrace.

Mabel glared at the blonde girl. No way she was letting this slide. Mabel stormed over to the DJ booth, managing to put her friendliest face on just as everyone noticed her.

“Hey, I’ll compete!” Mabel declared loudly in the most upbeat voice that she could.

Candy and Grenda, along with a few people in the crowd, gasped at the sight of someone openly defying the popular girl. Even her two stooges couldn’t hide their surprise. The blonde managed to keep a straight face, but even she was wondering what was going on. No one in Gravity Falls would dare challenge a Northwest, so who was this random girl with  _ terrible _ color coordination that thought she could?

“I’m Mabel,” the girl said, introducing herself.

Pacifica gave her apparent opponent a once over, unimpressed eyebrow raised the whole time. “That sounds like a fat old lady’s name.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment!” Mabel said, pointedly swallowing any comeback she had.

… Pacifica had to give Mabel credit, she hadn’t expected a response like that.

“May the better partier win,” Pacifica said as menacingly as she could before walking up to Soos to request her first song.

“Nice meeting you!” Mabel called to the blonde before dropping the pleasantries and returning to Candy and Grenda. “ **She’s going down.** ”

After hearing Pacifica’s song choice, Soos tapped the mic again. “Okay dudes, listen up! There’ll be three rounds. Each round, both contestants will pick a song and karaoke it like nobody’s business! Whoever gets the most applause after all three rounds wins the Party Crown, and uh… Everlasting glory? I guess? And because Pacifica is the challenged, she gets to go first! ...Right? That is how this goes, isn’t it…?”

“Pablo,” Pacifica snapped. “We get it. Start my song already.”

Soos grimaced at the blonde, before grinning again. “Let the battle for the Party Crown begin!”

Pacifica began tapping her foot as the background vocals of her song kicked in, her shoulders starting to bounce a bit. Her smug smile grew, as she knew people would be cheering loud after this one. She took a breath just before her part started, and began singing.

“ _ All the single ladies~ _

_ (All the single ladies) _

_ All the single ladies~ _

_ (All the single ladies) _

_ All the single ladies~ _

_ (All the single ladies) _

_ All the single ladies~ _

_ Now put your hands up~ _

_ Up in the club, just broke up~ _

_ I’m doing my own little thing~ _

_ You decided to dip and now you wanna trip~ _

_ ‘Cause another brother noticed me~ _

_ I’m up on him, he up on me~ _

_ Don’t pay him any attention~ _

_ ‘Cause I cried my tears for three good years~ _

_ You can't be mad at me~ _

_ ‘Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it~ _

_ If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it~ _

_ Don’t be mad once you see that he want it~ _

_ If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it~ _

_ Oh, oh, oh~ _

_ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh~ _ ”

Mabel grumbled as she sat in her seat. ‘ _ Dang it, how am I supposed to follow up Beyonce? _ ’

Mabel had hoped Pacifica was one of those spoiled girls that had always told she was good at everything without earning the praise. It wasn’t like Pacifica could win American Idol or anything, but she did actually have a pretty good voice. And it wasn’t like Mabel herself was the the greatest singer ever. She could carry a tune pretty well, but she wasn’t confident she could out-sing Pacifica. Maybe it had been a bit impulsive to agree to this challenge without any knowledge of her opponent. This is why Dipper was the tactical one.

Mabel quirked her head at the thought.

So, what would Dipper do in a situation like this? He’d come up with some kind of plan, obviously. And Mabel could do the same. She just had to think like her brother.

… And do it fast, since Pacifica just finished the second chorus.

Okay, so the crowd seemed to really like Beyonce. Makes sense. Maybe Mabel could do another one of her songs? No, no, Single Ladies is one of her most popular. Anything else would likely be considered a step down. Not to mention unoriginal, since Mabel would just be following up Pacifica’s song. So why not something completely different? Pacifica chose a fairly recent pop song, so maybe Mabel could do something older? A big hit from back in the day, perhaps? One big enough to still be really popular.

Mabel’s eyes widened. ‘ _ Perfect! _ ’

“ _ Ohhhhh~ _ ” Pacifica finished, casting her cocky smirk across the audience.

Applause rang out through the crowd, and Soos raised his left arm, measuring the audience’s response.

“A good start from Pacifica,” the DJ announced. “But look out! Here comes Mabel!”

Pacifica scoffed as she passed off the mic to Mabel. The blonde gave a smug look as she passed her opponent.

‘ _ Top that, Raggedy Ann, _ ’ Pacifica thought. ‘ _ Let’s see if you can even sing. _ ’

Mabel smiled back, and skipped up to Soos. She whispered her song request, and he nodded in the affirmative. Mabel asked something else, and Pacifica saw her trade Soos the hand mic for one worn over the ear. Mabel put on the mic, made sure it was fashioned on right, and took to the front area, a genuinely happy grin on her face. Pacifica looked at her sceptically. What could possibly follow up Beyonce?

Then the music started, and Pacifica cursed loudly in her head.

Mabel began shuffling her feet to the music, noting with glee that several people in the crowd had already started cheering. Some were even howling along to the background noises. Mabel smiled, doing the dance moves she knew by heart as she prepared for her lines to come up. And when they did...

“ _ It’s close to midnight~ _

_ Something evil’s lurkin’ in the dark~ _

_ Under the moonlight~ _

_ You see a sight that almost stops your heart~ _

_ You try to scream~ _

_ But terror takes the sound before you make it~ _

_ You start to freeze~ _

_ As horror looks you right between the eyes~ _

_ You’re paralyzed~ _

_ ‘Cause this is thriller~! _

_ Thriller night~! _

_ And no one’s gonna save you~ _

_ From the beast about to strike~ _

_ You know it’s thriller~! _

_ Thriller night~! _

_ You’re fighting for your life~ _

_ Inside a killer~ _

_ Thriller tonight... yeah~ _ ”

Pacifica was fuming. The entire crowd was singing along (badly), and several were trying to do the dance (also badly). But Mabel was doing the dance, and doing it well. The blonde ignored the bristle of jealousy that sprouted up at the sight of her opponent’s dancing skills. Pacifica had never been that great at any dancing that wasn’t ballroom. But Mabel looked like she had been pulled straight out of the music video. Her singing wasn’t as good as Pacifica’s, but that was par for the course for someone singing  _ and _ dancing. And her performance was getting way more of a response than Pacifica had, and the song wasn’t even over.

Mabel reached the end of her dance routine, and stood stationary as the lyrics shifted to the end with the creepy speaker, and-

“ _ Darkness falls across the land~ _

_ The midnight hour is close at hand~ _

_ Creatures crawl in search of blood~ _

_ To terrorize y’all’s neighborhood~ _ ”

Holy crap, that actually sent a shiver down Pacifica’s spine. Mabel’s singing had been okay, if not fantastic, but when she took her voice lower, it sounded so much better. And the way she said the lyrics, with the rolls and drawl in her voice so much like the voice from the song. It sounded legitimately creepy. And yet no one was unnerved, both because they were too busy dancing, and because Mabel’s happy smile was still on her face even as she sang. Pacifica clenched her jaw in frustration.

“ _ The foulest stench is in the air~ _

_ The funk of forty thousand years~ _

_ And grizzly ghouls from every tomb~ _

_ Are closing in to seal your doom~ _

_ And though you fight to stay alive~ _

_ Your body starts to shiver~ _

_ For no mere mortal can resist~ _

_ The evil of the thriller~! _

_ AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA~! _

_ AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA~! _ ”

Mabel took a playful bow, and the audience all clapped enthusiastically. Soos measured her applause with his right hand, and it raised as high as Pacifica’s had.

“And Mabel comes out strong!” Soos declared. “But let’s see what Pacifica has for that!”

Pacifica stood, glaring at the brunette girl as she stepped down and went back to her freak friends. The blonde had assumed that the dorky new girl would just embarrass herself next to the awesomeness that was Pacifica Northwest. But no, she really was trying to win.

Pacifica pushed down the voice in the back of her mind that told her to step up her game or Mabel might actually win.

She was a Northwest. And a Northwest absolutely never, under ANY circumstances, ever loses.

‘ _ Alright, Old-Lady-Name _ ,’ Pacifica thought. ‘ _ You wanna go for real? Let’s go for real. _ ’

 

**_… enO gnos retal…_ **

 

“ _ Always means forever~ _

_ ALWAAAAAYYYSS~! _

_ Forever...~ _ ”

Pacifica opened her eyes, expecting the cheering crowds she clearly deserved. She was shocked to see that she had even less applause than for her first song. A few people were clapping enthusiastically, but the majority were just looking at her awkwardly. She shot them the meanest glare she could, and got several more people clapping, but it was noticeably less than she’d gotten her first time. But in some form of consolation, if Pacifica couldn’t get much applause from singing such a popular song, there was no way Mabel was going to get any.

“I used to be able to sing like that, before my voice changed…” Grenda said to herself.

“Pacifica pulls ahead!” Soos announced. “But can she keep the lead?”

“Try and top that!” Pacifica said to Mabel as she handed the mic back to Soos. “Oh, and Grenda, by the way, you sound like a professional wrestler.”

“I WANNA PUT HER IN A HEADLOCK AND MAKE HER FEEL PAIN!” Grenda exclaimed.

Mabel could sympathise, but she put a calming hand on the bigger girl’s shoulder. “It’s not over ‘til it’s over, sisters! Watch this.”

Mabel dashed up onto the stage, secured her headset back on and looked at the DJ.

“Soos!” she yelled. “Give me the 80s-ist, crowd pleasing-ist, rock ballad-y-ist song you got!”

“You got it, hambone!” Soos said with a nod as he turned on the chosen song.

Mabel smiled as the song picked up. Exactly the song she’d been thinking of. The soft music started up, and soon Mabel began singing.

“ _ Just a small town girl~ _

_ Livin’ in a lonely world~ _

_ She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere~ _

_ Just a city boy~ _

_ Born and raised in South Detroit~ _

_ He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere~ _ ”

Pacifica scowled at the sight of the crowd singing along. Seriously? They loved all these old people songs, but not the modern classics Pacifica had chosen? Her last song had been number one on the Top 50 chart for the last five weeks, for crying out loud! Did these people have no taste!?

“ _ Don’t stop believin’~ _

_ Hold on to that feelin~ _

_ Streetlight people~ _

_ Don’t stop believin’~ _

_ Hold on~ _

_ Streetlight people~ _

_ Don’t stop believin’~ _

_ Hold on to that feelin’~ _

_ Streetlight people~ _ ”

Mabel smiled at the crowd, and saw them clapping and cheering. She felt a disappointment growing when she realized she wasn’t getting as much applause as her first song. In fact, she was pretty sure Pacifica’s death glare had gotten more of a response, if only slightly. Soos’ hand measuring the applause confirmed it, Mabel had fallen behind Pacifica.

“And Pacifica manages to stay ahead!” Soos announced. “We’ll break for fifteen minutes before starting the final round. You’d better bring your best girl-dudes, it’s still anyone’s game!”

Mabel saw the blonde smirking victoriously at her, but the brunette could see past Pacifica’s fairly bad poker face. Both girls were anxious about their last songs. They glared at each other, trying to show their confidence while Soos announced that a bike was being stolen. Pacifica finally broke the stare and stepped away, walking toward the bathroom. Mabel sat back with Candy and Grenda panting slightly.

“Are you okay, Mabel?” Candy asked.

“Yep,” Mabel said. “Little winded is all.”

“You’re doing really good,” Grenda insisted. “You just need a great song to finish her off!”

Mabel nodded, glancing around to view the crowd before her. She saw the people slow dancing to the new song Soos put on, and even spotted Dipper sitting next to Wendy on the couch. She shot her brother a thumbs up, before thinking about her options.

So, her last song didn’t do as well as she’d hoped. She’d need to pull out all the stops to win this time. She was tired during the last song, so she didn’t do any dance moves that time. That had been a mistake, enabling Pacifica to take advantage of her better voice. Fortunately, Mabel had cool down time before the last round, so she could go all out with her next routine. But what song should she sing? Her initial song was well received, so maybe more Michael Jackson? No, she’d tried redoing her initial success with Journey, and that hadn’t worked. She needed something totally different. Something softer, more personal perhaps? But still energetic enough to dance to. Also probably want it to be more modern. The 80s couldn’t solve all her problems. But what could she do…?

Mabel grinned.

She had an idea.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht moorhtab…_ **

 

Pacifica growled, gripping the sides of the sink in frustration. Why was she still competing? Mabel should’ve realized her complete inadequacy by now and run off, crying with her freak friends. And yet she was still there, with her grating fake optimism, under the stupid delusion that she could win.

Just a stupid delusion.

Pacifica glared at herself in the mirror. Okay fine, Mabel was good. She couldn’t hold a candle to Pacifica’s voice, and yet she was still in the competition. She was still keeping up, despite clearly being out of her league. They loved her for some reason.

What to do? As much as she believed she couldn’t possibly lose… No, she couldn’t take any chances. Her next song had to be perfect. Mabel thought she could beat PACIFICA NORTHWEST with her old-people songs? She thought those tired out tunes could beat the best songs of the current millenia? Fine then. Pacifica would show her that a Northwest can do anything the best, even sing retro songs.

The blonde was about to step out of the bathroom, having decided on the song she would sing, when she heard a muffled voice on the other side of the door.

“ _ No, no. It’s fine. It’s just, my parents are… a sore subject for me and Mabel. _ ”

Pacifica’s hand froze just before she grabbed the handle. ‘ _ Did he just say Mabel? Is that her brother? And… what did he mean about their parents? _ ’

“ _ My dad’s… nice, I guess? I don’t really know. He’s a total workaholic. Even on his days off he’s almost always getting ahead of schedule, or fixing someone else’s mess. I guess he tries making up for it by being the ‘Cool Dad’ whenever we do see him, but well… I know next to nothing about him. I couldn’t even tell you his birthday, he’s always too busy to celebrate it. And I can guarantee he doesn’t know mine and Mabel’s. _ ”

Pacifica’s mind flashed up memories of her home. On nights when she was little and her parents had a late business meeting, or more often a party she wasn’t old enough to go to. She remembered wandering the halls of the Northwest mansion, shadows creeping along the walls, and the deafening silence of the place. Those were nights when she knew what it was like to feel well and truly alone. As if no one cared for her or even remembered she existed. And in that moment of weakness, she felt legitimately sorry for Mabel. Briefly.

“ _ And our mom, geez… Let’s just say I know where Mabel and I got our violent streaks. _ ”

“ _ You don’t mean she-!?! _ ”

“ _ No, no! She’s never actually hit us or anything like that, but… Well, she throws and breaks stuff when she gets upset. Never at me or Mabel, but… I’ve noticed that sometimes after arguments our dad will sit weirdly, or have ‘Mystery Bruises’. _ ” Pacifica heard a scoff. “ _ No real mystery there. _ ”

Pacifica took a step back, her eyes widened. Their  _ mother _ did that? That couldn’t be right. She’d heard of dads who were abusive (and while her father wasn’t exactly a saint, he wasn’t that bad), but a mom who beat up her husband? That couldn’t happen, right? Well, apparently it could.

It was at that moment Pacifica realized that Mabel, the obnoxiously cheery and perpetually smiling girl that she’d been competing against came from an abusive home. The same girl that had been singing and dancing on stage also had to worry about her own mother being just one bad day away from… from…

Pacifica pushed open the door to the bathroom and walked past the two who were talking, not sparing them a glance. As she stepped back to the dance floor, she caught sight of Mabel and her two loser friends. They were chatting about something, she couldn’t hear what. Apparently Grenda said something funny, and Pacifica saw Mabel laugh so hard her water she was drinking spewed out of her nose. That got her friends laughing, which only prompted the brunette to laugh harder.

Pacifica scowled. Why was she so happy? Mabel had more reasons than anyone to be bitter, or angry, or depressed, but she was always smiling and laughing, always having a good time.

It wasn’t fair. While Pacifica’s parents weren’t full on abusive, they weren’t very caring, or supportive. Or present, in some cases. All they cared about was ensuring Pacifica didn’t disappoint the family name, anything else was superfluous. And even if she’d never admit it, Pacifica wasn’t happy, not really. She wasn’t stupid, she knew her “friends” only hung out with her for her money. Pacifica had it drilled into her head from day one that this was how she should act, that this was how a Northwest acts. Anything less and people wouldn’t respect her. Yet there was Mabel, the goofball loser that was making friends and having fun, despite her circumstance.

It made Pacifica so mad she could scream.

But she didn’t. She controlled herself. She kept her eyes on the prize. She would win the contest. She would grind her opponent into dust and shatter her hopes and dreams. She would dominate this competition, and the next one, and the next. She would be the best there is at anything, above all others. Once she did that, Pacifica would be happy.

Right?

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

“One more song each, dudes,” Soos announced, “and then it’s time for the bestowing of the party crown.”

Mabel jogged over to the blonde before she got on stage, smiling at her opponent.

“Pacifica,” the brunette said, “I just wanna say that whoever wins, it’s been a super fun party.”

The blonde’s teeth clenched at the statement. Even now, Mabel just  _ had _ to be nice, didn’t she?

“Awwww, it thinks it’s gonna win,” Pacifica jeered, regaining her haughty superiority. “Hey, did you hear that? People clapping for the weird girls? Yeah, me neither.”

Pacifica smirked at the frown Mabel gained, before turning to the stage.

The blonde grabbed the mic and Soos queued up her song. Pacifica loosened her shoulders a bit, and she started singing.

“ _ Your butt is mine~ _

_ Gonna tell you right~ _

_ Just show your face~ _

_ In broad daylight~ _

_ I’m telling you~ _

_ On how I feel~ _

_ Gonna hurt your mind~ _

_ Don’t shoot to kill~ _

_ Come on, come on~ _

_ Lay it on me~ _

_ All right~ _

_ I’m giving you~ _

_ On count of three~ _

_ To show your stuff~ _

_ Or let it be~ _

_ I’m telling you~ _

_ Just watch your mouth~ _

_ I know your game~ _

_ What you’re about~ _

_ Well they say the sky’s the limit~ _

_ And to me that’s really true~ _

_ But my friend you have seen nothing~ _

_ Just wait ‘til I get through~ _

_ Because I’m bad, I’m bad, shamone~ _

_ You know I’m bad, I’m bad, you know it~ _

_ You know I’m bad, I’m bad, shamone, you know~ _

_ And the whole world has to answer right now~ _

_ Just to tell you once again who’s bad~ _ ”

Mabel looked on, surprised. She hadn’t expected Pacifica to sing Bad, of all things. She realized Pacifica must’ve thought she could do Mabel’s 80s schtick better than Mabel herself. And well, she was doing good. She did the tone of the song well, and was even dancing a bit. It was really more stepping to the rhythm than dancing, but it looked good, and Bad’s dance wasn’t as iconic or memorable as Thriller’s anyway, so no one really cared. Still, Mabel had to smirk to herself. The best Pacifica could do was copy the brunette’s bit? That was an unintentional ego boost, and revealed Pacifica to be as unoriginal as Mabel had thought. Still, she was actually doing really good. If there was one Michael Jackson song that could rival Thriller in popularity, it was Bad. Still, Mabel did have that last trick up her sleeve...

The song ended, and Pacifica cast a victorious smirk over the crowd. She was pretty sure she’d gotten even more applause from this song than her first, and she didn’t even have to threaten the audience. She supposed she may have underestimated good old MJ. Surely there was no way Mabel could get enough applause to take back the lead in just one round. Pacifica’s victory was practically assured.

Mabel stepped past Pacifica, fastening her headset mic and waiting for Soos to pull up her final song. She glanced over the audience, and felt butterflies in her stomach. Everyone was looking at her expectantly, waiting to see what she’d do. Candy and Grenda were looking especially hopeful, this being their final chance to show Pacifica up for once. Mabel swallowed a bit, before breathing out slowly. It was just like when she had a big pitch back on the school’s baseball team. She just had to focus on the here and now. She had to sing, and sing well. That’s all there was to it.

Soft piano kicked in, as the first words appeared on the screen.

“ _ The sun goes down~ _

_ The stars come out~ _

_ And all that counts~ _

_ Is here and now~ _

_ My universe~ _

_ Will never be the same~ _

_ I’m glad you came~ _ ”

Pacifica’s jaw dropped as the rest of the music started up. Several people started cheering, happy with the choice.

‘ _ No! _ ’ Pacifica thought. ‘ _ She’s been doing retro junk all night! And NOW she decides to get with the times!?! _ ’

“ _ You cast a spell on me~ _

_ Spell on me~ _

_ You hit me like the sky fell on me~ _

_ Fell on me~ _

_ And I decided you look well on me~ _

_ Well on me~ _

_ So let’s go somewhere no one else can see~ _

_ You and me~ _

_ Turn the lights out now~ _

_ Now I’ll take you by the hand~ _

_ Hand you another drink~ _

_ Drink it if you can~ _

_ Can you spend a little time~? _

_ Time is slipping away~ _

_ Away from us so stay~ _

_ Stay with me I can make~ _

_ Make you glad you came~ _ ”

And she was dancing again. Just perfect! It wasn’t some choreographed number like before, but that didn’t seem to matter. Mabel’s freestyling was good, and by repeating certain moves at key lyrics she gave the impression her routine was more scripted than it really was. But it wasn’t just that. Her simple steps, the constant bop to her movements, the arm motions she threw in to mimic drinking and pulling motions to draw her imaginary target forward. Her dancing was like that of a boy band member. The song and dance style were designed to draw people in and make people think that the touching song was meant for them.

When Pacifica saw Mabel’s smile grow while the girl sang, she had a moment of realization.

It was for them. This was genuine. This song was Mabel’s way of thanking them for coming to the party.

And somehow, that knowledge made Pacifica even angrier.

As she sang, Mabel did a front flip. She landed on her feet, but didn’t come forward enough. It looked like she was about to fall flat on her back, when she instead did a backhandspring. The crowd cheered even louder at that, and Pacifica was left fuming at the performance.

Mabel suddenly stopped her dancing at the exact time the music went quiet, and went back to her calm, soulful voice.

“ _ The sun goes down~ _

_ The stars come out~ _

_ And all that counts~ _

_ Is here and now~ _

_ My universe~ _

_ Will never be the same~ _

_ I’m glad you came~ _

_ I’m glad you came…~ _ ”

The cheering Mabel received May as well have been deafening to Pacifica. It was loud. Really loud. Louder than anything she’d received. Realistically, it wasn’t all that much louder than Pacifica’s last song, but to the blonde it may as well have been an atom bomb.

“Alright dudes!” Soos declared. “You’ve heard ‘em, and now it’s time for the final bonus vote! Applaud to vote for Mabel.”

The crowd cheered almost as loudly as before.

“Let’s check the applause meter,” Soos said as he checked his raised hand. “Oh, oh, very good. And the next contestant: Pacifica.”

The crowd applauded, but the drop off was noticeable. She did her death glare again to get some more cheers, but Pacifica just wasn’t getting as much. Still, she’d had the lead before, and now, as Soos measured the applause…

“Uh-oh, a tie!” Soos said, staring at his equally elevated hands. “This has like, never happened before.”

Pacifica’s eyes widened. A tie?! That was no different from losing! No, no this couldn’t be it! She had to win! Winning, being the best, was everything! If she wasn’t the best, then what was this all for?!

Pacifica looked frantically around the room, desperately trying to find someone, anyone that could help. Then, in the very back, she saw the town hillbilly Old Man McGucket, asleep on a bench. She quickly dashed to him and shoved a bill in his face, waking him up. The old man began cheering and clapping, and Soos’ applause measuring hand rose ever so slightly, but it was enough.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we… we have a winner,” Soos said, tone deflated. “The winner of the contest, is Pacifica Northwest.”

With a smirk, Pacifica strutted up to the stage and took the party crown. It was cheaper than she would’ve liked, but it was what it meant that mattered. She was number one, as it should be.

“Thank you, Jorge,” Pacifica said as she turned to the audience. “Thank you everyone! Everyone comes to the after-party at my parents’ boat! Woo-hoo!”

The crowd of party goers picked Pacifica up and ran out of the Shack, chanting her name as they went to the after-party. Mabel watched the swarm of people leaving, her shoulders slumping and a defeated frown taking residence on her face. She supposed that meant the party was over.

Mabel turned to Grenda and Candy, who hadn’t left with the group. “Sorry I let you guys down. I understand if you wanna leave.”

“But then, we will miss the sleepover,” Candy said.

Mabel quirked an eyebrow. “The what?”

“We want to call our moms and see if we can sleep over here with you,” Grenda explained. “You’re like, a total rock star!”

“I have magazine boys,” Candy said enticingly as she pulled said magazine out of her bag.

“Really?” Mabel asked hopefully, getting two nods in response. “You GUYS!”

Mabel hugged the two girls, who each hugged her back, all of them smiling.

“Maybe we don't have as many friends as Pacifica,” Candy spoke, “but we have each other, and that is pretty good I think.”

“Soos!” Mabel called out. “Play another song! This thing’s going all night!”

“Way ahead of you, hambone,” Soos said with a thumbs up.

As the music played, the three new friends began dancing, giggling all the while. So maybe Mabel hadn’t gotten a huge group of besties to spend the summer with, but what she did have was even better. When it came to friends, she supposed quality was more important than quantity. And who knew what other shenanigans they could still get up to?

After all, the night was still young.

 

**11-2-11-24   13-11-0 0-14-7-0   12-11-11-18-15-20-13   21-12 10-11-16-7   2-1?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back! Early upload today, so that's nice. So yeah, there isn't a traditional battle this chapter, but there was a karaoke battle. So, that's kind of the same thing, right?  
> ... Don't worry the next actual fight is coming soon.  
> But yeah, this chapter was a bit of an experiment. Music is kind of hard to do in written form, but I gave it a shot anyway, since music battle was Mabel's side of the story in the episode. I'm really anxious to see what you all thought of it. Would you like to see another song chapter some time later on in the story? Does that idea sound absolutely terrible? Let me know in the comments.  
> But anyway, the songs. Picking them was actually pretty tricky. I don't listen to a lot of pop music, so I leaned heavily on old school songs, and even then I changed them around constantly. Some of you might have noticed that, in the last chapter, I said someone (Pacifica) was singing Uptown Funk. Yet that never happened in this chapter. Uptown Funk was actually supposed to be Pacifica's last song. It wasn't until I'd uploaded last chapter that I remembered the song was released in 2014, and Gravity Falls takes place in 2012. Oops. When I realized that I swapped the song with Smooth Criminal, before deciding that Bad would be more fitting. I went back and changed the last chapter to fix the inconsistency.  
> Another fun fact, Mabel's voice sounding better when she sings deeper was taken from me. My singing voice sounds terrible unless I go really low, and to me Mabel's voice sounds like the kind that could do lower better. Or maybe I just don't know anything about singing. It's probably that.  
> Something else fun, I like describing these last two chapters with a musical motif. Think of the last chapter as a solo from Dipper, while this chapter is a duet between Mabel and Pacifica. I tried splitting the characterization between the two girls, in an effort to develop Pacifica a bit faster. And for anyone concerned, I'm not going to randomly undo her character development in Weirdmageddon like the show did for some reason.  
> I think that's all the random trivia I've got this time. Feel free to let me know what you liked, what you didn't, and any questions in the comments, it's always nice to see and I appreciate feedback on how to improve. Thank you all for reading, and have a great day.


	10. Ground-HOG Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY YOU!  
> Semi-important thing at the end notes. Read if you want to have an impact on a later chapter.

Have you ever been to one of those low-budget carnivals? The kind put on by well meaning but horrendously unqualified parents, school officials, etc? The kind that were _just_ underwhelming enough to look charming, but be completely boring to anyone under the age of four? Yeah, the Mystery Shack Fair was like that, but with 300% more tetanus.

Still, a fair was a fair, and Mabel wasn’t one to complain. The rides, the activities, the prizes, the terrible food. It was all the kind of thing she lived for. She was going to have a great time. She just needed to remember not to touch anything metal.

“There she is, Mabel,” Stan said as the two surveyed the fairground. “The cheapest fair money can rent. I spared every expense.”

Suddenly, one of the carriers for the sky lift crashed down next to the two.

“... I think the sky tram is broken…” Dipper said, poking his head out of the carrier. “... Also, most of my bones…”

Stan laughed. “This guy. Alright, alright. I’ve got a job for you two. I printed up a bunch of fake safety inspection certificates. Go slap one on anything that looks like a lawsuit.”

Mabel and Dipper eyed the papers they were handed.

“Grunkle Stan, is that legal?” Mabel asked.

“When there’s no cops around, anything’s legal!” Stan responded with a grin.

Dipper sighed. ‘ _Yeah, that’s pretty much what I expected._ ’

“Soos!” Stan called as he approached the handyman. “How’s that dunk tank coming along?”

“Almost ready to go, Mr. Pines,” Soos said as he finished blowtorching part of the tank.

Stan gave the target an experimental knock, and smiled when he saw the seat barely move.

“Ha, you’ve got it rigged from here to Timbuktu!” Stan exclaimed. “There’s nothing on Earth that could knock me down!”

“Yeah,” Soos agreed, “except for like, a futuristic laser arm cannon.”

“Hey, you haven’t seen my red screwdriver, have ya?” Stan asked as he began digging through a toolbox. “Darn thing went missing.”

“Maybe some magical creature or paranormal thing-um took it,” Soos suggested.

“Oi!” Stan groaned. “You’ve been spending too much time with those kids. Alright, let’s see, where’d I put that thing…?”

The two adults were so busy making last second preparations, that neither noticed a bald man using a certain missing screwdriver to tweak his watch. Or that doing so caused his jumpsuit to camouflage with his surroundings.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

“It’s 12 o’ clock!” Stan announced through a screeching megaphone. “The Dunk Tank is now open!”

The various tourists gathered covered their ears at the obnoxious sound, glaring at the old man sitting in the dunk tank.

“Step right up and dunk me, folks!” Stan told the gathered crowd. “I’m talking to you, Cut-offs! That’s right! Muffin-Top, High-Pants! Who wants a piece of me?”

Several of the frustrated customers tried dunking the old man, but even when one of them actually managed to hit the target, Stan’s seat didn’t drop.

“Ahahahaha!” Stan laughed maniacally. “Come back anytime, folks! Ahahahaha!”

Dipper cast a glance at his grunkle, rolling his eyes. ‘ _He’s having WAY too much fun with that._ ’

But the boy’s face lightened up a bit when he heard soft snickering next to him. It seemed Wendy also thought the rigged dunk tank was a riot.

With the dance party at the Mystery Shack being a great financial success, Stan announced the next day that he was going to do another event to “bleed ‘em dry.” Dipper had managed to ask Wendy if she wanted to hang at the fair, and she actually said yes! And better yet, Dipper had managed to keep himself from jumping for joy in front of her! Maybe he was starting to get the hang of this whole “functional human” thing.

“How do they get them into this shape?” Dipper asked, looking at their question mark shaped corn dogs. “It’s unnatural.”

“But Dipper,” Wendy said, “they’re so…”

She held her corn dog next to the “DELICIOUS” sign, putting the question mark shaped food at the end of the word.

“... delicious?” Wendy finished hesitantly.

Dipper chuckled at the joke, and soon Wendy joined him. And he was even managing to carry on a decent conversation! One that didn’t involve depressing personal crap! Booyah!

Wendy’s laugh ended abruptly when some mustard fell from her corn dog right onto her flanel. “Aw, boo! I’ll be right back.”

Dipper nodded as Wendy walked off, munching on his corn dog of questionable (ha) quality. He smiled at the retreating red head, for once totally happy.

“Look at you two!” Mabel said as she approached her brother, two sticks of cotton candy in hand. “Getting all romantic at the fair!”

“Shh!” Dipper hissed. “Ix-nay on the omance-ray. I decided not to bring that up today. I’m just going to have a nice day to hang out with a friend, and the LAST thing I need is that friend finding out anything too soon.”

“C’mon, Broseph,” Mabel said. “You can’t keep putting this off. If you don’t tell her soon, you’re going to miss your chance.”

“I will tell her,” Dipper said. “Just not today. This is really important to me, Mabel. I know I can’t overthink things, but I also can’t just blurt it out at the wrong moment. That could ruin my chance of even being friends with Wendy.”

Mabel raised her hands in surrender. “Alright, fine. Just remember, I tried to warn you. … Hey, do you smell a gallon of body spray?”

At first Dipper thought his sister was making some kind of joke, but he quickly caught wind of the smell. He turned and saw none other than Robbie “Black Hoodie In 90o Weather” Valentino. Dipper tried to repress the scowl trying to make its home on his face, but only managed to downgrade it to a simple frown.

“Hey,” Robbie said as he approached the twins, “have either of you dorks seen Wendy around?”

“Nope,” Dipper responded drily, hoping Robbie would take a hike before Wendy got back.

Robbie seemed unconcerned with Dipper’s answer and swiped some of Mabel’s cotton candy from her.

“Hey!” Mabel exclaimed, eyes alight with fury.

“Yeah, I got some new super tight jeans,” Robbie said as he began showing off his tight clothing by flexing his legs. “Thought she might want to-”

It was in that moment Robbie realized he made two grievous errors. The first was taking Mabel’s cotton candy. **_NO ONE_ ** took sweets from Mabel and got away unscathed.

The second was moving his legs in a way that left his groin completely unprotected.

Dipper covered his ears as Robbie let out a shriek that could probably be heard for miles. Mabel pulled her foot back so fast Dipper had barely even seen it move, and a quick glance around told him no one else had seen the kick.

Robbie fell to the ground, clutching his battered area in his hands and squealing in pain. He tried saying something, but he was evidently beyond words at that point. Beyond standing, too. He crawled off in shame, probably going to look for an ice pack.

Dipper, despite himself, winced in empathy for Robbie. He knew from experience how hard Mabel’s kicks were. And getting hit _there_ … Dipper imagined Robbie’s _grandkids_ would be feeling that one.

Mabel let out an annoyed huff. “He is such a jerk.”

“Yeah,” Dipper agreed with a nod, “but he’s a jerk with tight pants and a guitar. I need to keep him away from Wendy at all costs.”

“Think I got you covered there, Bro,” Mabel said. “And don’t worry. If anything else happens, I’ll be right here, supporting you every step of the-OH MY GOSH, A PIG!!!”

“Wait, what?” Dipper asked, before realizing his sister was already gone. “Thanks, Mabel…”

“Hey dude!” Wendy called as she rejoined the younger boy. “Did you hear that weird screaming noise? Wonder what that was.”

Dipper (barely) managed to repress a snicker. “Probably just some little kid who saw Stan.”

Wendy laughed. “Oh wow, bet they’re havin’ nightmares tonight!”

Dipper laughed too, though for more reasons than Wendy knew.

The two began walking again, chatting about various random things. Though one topic they seemed to go back to a lot was old movies. Evidently their parents were both a bit behind the times when it came to their choice in films, and as such both had gained an appreciation for the classics. Or rather, the so-bad-they’re-good classics.

“Dude, you should totally come over to my house some time,” Wendy said. “We can watch crummy old movies and make fun of them. It’ll be like our own MST3K.”

“MS… what?” Dipper asked, confused.

“Mystery Science Theater 3000,” Wendy said. “You’ve never heard of that?”

Dipper shook his head, still very confused.

“Well, I know the first thing we’re watching then,” Wendy said. “I’ve got the whole first season on DVD.”

Dipper just assumed he would understand when he saw it.

… Wait a minute.

Wendy had just asked him to come over.

To her house.

To hang out.

Just the two of them.

…

Dipper.exe stopped responding. We recommend you reboot and try again.

“Whoa, check it out!”

Dipper snapped out his daze and saw Wendy looking at a stuffed animal prize for ball toss game. It was a… a, uh… Dipper didn’t really know what it was supposed to be, but that didn’t seem to matter to Wendy. She was looking at the thing like she’d struck gold.

“I don’t know if it’s a duck or a panda,” Wendy said, “but I want one!”

Dipper grinned. So Mabel wanted him to seize the moment more? Consider this moment seized.

“My uncle taught me the secret to these games,” Dipper stage whispered as he approached the game stand. “You aim for the carnie’s head, and take the prize when he’s unconscious.”

Wendy laughed, holding out her hand for a fist bump. “Nice!”

Dipper bumped her fist, before turning to the carnie running the game. “One ball, please.”

“You only get one chance,” the worker said.

Dipper quirked an eyebrow. ‘ _One? Don’t they usually give three per purchase, or something? Leave it to Grunkle Stan to cheap out on tries in a game, of all things._ ’

Dipper surveyed the game. Three bottles stacked up in a pyramid. One ball. Dipper needed to knock them all over in one go to win. And from this close, even he should be able to make the shot. He just needed to aim between the two bottom bottles. Knocking them both over would cause the top one to fall. Breathe in, breathe out. Keep your throwing arm loose, focus on your target, and…

Dipper pitched the ball as hard as he could, knowing full well the bottles were likely fastened to the table in some way. Unfortunately, he never got to find out if that was true, as he saw he threw the ball a bit too low. The ball hit the edge of the table and bounced back. Dipper’s eyes widened as he saw the ball fly right back at, not himself, but Wendy.

And hit her dead in the eye.

“AH!” Wendy exclaimed. “MY EYE!”

“Oh my gosh!” Dipper panicked. “Oh my gosh! Wendy! Are you okay?”

“Does it look swollen?” she asked, removing her hands to reveal that her eye was already bruising.

Dipper blanched at the sight. “Everything’s gonna be fine! Don’t worry! I’ll-I’ll go get some ice!”

Dipper dashed to the icebox at the center of the fair, mind replaying the sight of Wendy getting hit in the eye over and over. It happened again! He was careless, and Wendy got hurt because of it. He resisted the urge to slam his head into something hard, instead grabbing a bag of ice.

He turned back and ran back to the ball toss game, when he bumped into some bald guy in a jumpsuit. The impact caused Dipper to stumble and drop his bag of ice. The bag tore, and the ice spilled all over the grass.

“Hey, watch where you’re going!” Dipper barked angrily, trying to scrape up the scattered ice cubes.

The bald man scampered off, apparently startled by Dipper’s hostility.

Dipper growled in frustration. He managed to get handful of ice, and decided he would just have to run back for a new bag once he got what he could to Wendy. Now, where was she?

“Just ease your eyeball into that freezy cone.”

Dipper froze. ‘ _No…_ ’

“Robbie, thanks,” Wendy said as she rested the snow cone against her black eye. “That’s really sweet. The gesture, and the flavored syrup.”

“Yeah, I was just here at the right place at the right time,” Robbie said with a satisfied smirk (though Dipper felt his own small bit of satisfaction noting that Robbie’s voice was an octave higher than normal). “Y’know, I’ve been meaning to ask you... we’ve been spending a lot of time together and I was wondering if, maybe, you want to go out with me?”

Any satisfaction Dipper might’ve been feeling vanished in an instant. ‘ _No…_ ’

“Yeah, I guess so,” Wendy answered with a shrug.

Dipper’s world shattered.

“Sweet!” Robbie exclaimed with a fist pump.

“Look, Dipper!” Mabel called as she ran up to her brother with a pig in her arms. “I won my pet pig! His name is Waddles. I call ‘im that because he waddles! Waaaaaaaa-dddllleeessss!”

“Everything is different now,” Dipper mumbled.

“Hey, that’s what I said when I got Waddles,” Mabel said. “I wonder if it means something? Like the strings of fate are all tied together in this one moment. Waddles, the Pig of Fate!”

Mabel spun around happily, giggling waddles as she did, before finally noticing Dipper’s dejected state.

“What are you lookin’ at?” she asked.

In response, Dipper simply pointed. Mabel looked, and saw Wendy and Robbie getting on a ride together. What solidified Dipper’s broken look was that the ride was the “Tunnel of Love and Corndogs” (one of those things was more significant than the other).

“Oh…”

 

**_… retaL, ta tesnus…_ **

 

Dipper sat on a bench, mood not having improved in the slightest. He had seen Wendy and Robbie spend the whole day together, the red head seeming to have completely forgotten about him. What should have been a day that let Dipper grow closer to the girl instead only served to alienate him from her. That hurt in a way that made him want to punch things.

“Hate to say I told you so, Bro,” Mabel said as she sat down next to him, Waddles resting in her lap.

Dipper shot his sister a glare.

“Right, not the time,” Mabel said. “Sorry.”

Dipper sighed. “... Mabel, do you ever wish you could go back and undo just one mistake?”

“Nope! I do everything right, all the time!” Mabel said cheerily, but with a noticeable hint of underlying sarcasm. “Of course I do, nobody’s perfect. But obsessing over all the things you could’ve done doesn’t help anyone.”

“But it was just one thing! Dipper insisted. “I mean, Wendy only went out with Robbie because he was there with the ice, and she needed the ice because of the baseball, and I would’ve had the ice if it wasn’t for-”

Dipper suddenly gasped. “That guy!”

Mabel looked, and saw a bald guy in a jumpsuit walking around. She was pretty sure she’d seen him around the fair a few times, but didn’t recognize him from the town. But considering the way Dipper was stomping up to the poor guy, Mabel figured if she didn’t go hold her brother back they definitely wouldn’t be seeing him around.

“Hey, Toolbelt!” Dipper called angrily. “You ruined my life!”

“Huh?” the bald man said, startled from being addressed.

“Don’t ‘huh’ me!” Dipper spat. “I’ve seen you before! What’s your deal? Are you following us around?”

“And why are you bald?” Mabel asked, trying to diffuse the situation. “What’s that all about?”

“AAAAAGH!” baldie exclaimed. “My position has been COMPROMISED! Assuming stealth mode!”

He pushed a button on his watch, and his jumpsuit suddenly changed into a random assortment of colors, before flickering between various images from around town.

“Color match!” Toolbelt cried out. “Initiating color match! Come on, dang it!”

The bizarre sight was enough to snap Dipper out of his rage, his curiosity taking over in its place. Mabel was equally in awe at the sight, eyes wide with excitement.

“That’s amazing!” Mabel said. “Are you from the future or something?”

“Uh, NO!!” the bald man said as his jumpsuit went back to normal. “Who told you that?! MEMORY WIPE!”

At that, Toolbelt threw a wet piece of paper onto Mabel’s face. The girl slowly peeled the damp parchment off, and looked at it with a weirded out face.

“... this is a baby wipe…” she said.

“All right, you’ve cornered me,” baldie said with a tired sigh. “I’m... a time traveler.”

Well.

That’s not something you hear everyday.

A thought suddenly occurred to Dipper.

“So wait a minute,” the boy asked. “If you’re from the future, do you have like a time machine, or something?”

“That’s... kinda how it works,” the time traveller said with a shrug.

Dipper glanced behind the bald man, and saw Robbie and Wendy riding the Ferris Wheel together.

“Can I borrow it?” Dipper asked.

“What?” future man asked, caught off guard by the request. “No! Out of the question! You know, this is sensitive, extremely complicated time equipment.”

Dipper eyed the device, not really sure what to make of it. “That’s a tape measure.”

“You shut your time-mouth!” baldie shouted.

“... This making any sense to you?” Dipper asked his sister.

“I think he’s just crazy,” Mabel responded.

“Oh!” Toolbelt exclaimed indignantly. “You don’t believe me?”

Future guy pulled out the tape from the measure a distance, and released it. In an instant, the man vanished with a bright flash. The twins’ eyes widened in surprise, and a few seconds later there was another flash. The time traveller was was back, this time wearing a Shakespeare style outfit.

“Guess where I was!” he declared.

“Whoa!” the twins exclaimed.

“That’s right!” Toolbelt said. “15 years ago there was a costume shop right here! One second.”

He disappeared again, and a moment later was back, back in his regular jumpsuit. Well, regular but slightly on fire.

“Ah!” he cried. “Aw, heck! Pat! Pat down!”

“So, who are you again?” Mabel asked.

“Blendin Blandin,” he introduced himself. “Time Anomaly Removal Crew year Twenty Sñeventy-Twelve. My mission is to stop a series of time anomalies that are suppose to happen at this very location! But-but I don’t see any anomalies! I don’t know if it’s some kind of paradox, or I’m just really tired…”

Blendin sat down on a bench and rested his head in his hands and let out an exhausted breath. Dipper saw the man, clearly worn out, and a devious grin appeared on his face.

“... You know,” Dipper said, with as much sympathy he could muster, “you sound like you could use a break.”

“Definitely, definitely,” Mabel said, catching on to what her brother was doing. “Might we recommend one of the various attractions at the Mystery Fair?”

“You know what? What the heck? I’m worth it!” Blendin said as he stood up, before casting one look back at the kids. “But I’ve got my eye on you! Ehhh... ehhh…”

The twins looked at each other, and smirked.

Blendin walked up to a ride operated by Soos, and asked, “One please.”

“Uh, sorry dude but you’re gonna have to take your belt off for the ride,” Soos said. “One of your tools might fly off and accidentally fix something.”

Blendin hesitated for a moment, before giving the handyman his tool belt. “Guard it with your life.”

“I will watch it like a hawk, dude,” Soos said.

Blendin nodded, and walked over the the spinning barrel ride. He got in, and Soos started up the ride. Blendin was so busy spinning on the ride, he didn’t notice Soos set the time traveler’s belt down and look away. The twins used the opportunity to swipe the tape measure time machine right under Soos’ nose, and scampered off unnoticed.

“Like a hawk!” Soos called to Blendin.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

The twins sat at a poker table in the Mystery Shack, looking at the unassuming device.

“Here it is, Mabel,” Dipper said to his sister. “Our ticket to any moment in history.”

“Let’s go get two dodos and force them to make out!” Mabel said.

“What? No!” Dipper countered. “We gotta be smart about this. That Blandin guy just said paradoxes were a thing. We can’t afford to make any mistakes with this. All I’m gonna do is go back and fix my one mistake. If I don’t miss that base ball throw, I won’t hit Wendy in the eye, and Robbie won’t comfort her, and they won’t start going out. Minimal impact to the timeline.”

“I’m coming, too!” Mabel declared. “I wanna relive the greatest moment in my life: winning Waddles.”

Dipper pulled out the tape enough to send them back to the afternoon.

“See you later,” he said.

“See you earlier!” Mabel corrected. “Ha yuk yuk yuk!”

Dipper released the tape and high fived Mabel at the same time. For what felt like only a moment, the twins saw reality rewind itself around them, before everything came to a stop, then began to move forward again.

Dipper peeked outside and saw the earlier crowd back, the fairgrounds bustling as the sun was once again high in the sky. Mabel soon joined him, and they looked at each other with wide grins.

“Do over?” Mabel asked her brother.

Dipper searched the crowd, before his eyes landed on Wendy who was looking at the miss-matched stuffed animal prizes.

He nodded. “Do over.”

Mabel ran off to win her pig again, while Dipper made his way back to Wendy.

“Hey,” Dipper said to get the red head’s attention.

“There you are,” Wendy said. “Where you disappear off to?”

“Mabel wanted to show me her new pig,” Dipper answered.

“Neat,” Wendy said, completely unfazed by the statement, before pointing to the stuffed creatures. “Hey, check it out. I don’t know if it’s a duck or a panda, but I want one.”

“One ball, please,” Dipper said to the carnie.

“You only get one chance,” the carnie said as he gave Dipper the baseball.

‘ _That’s what you think…_ ’ Dipper thought.

Dipper considered his next actions carefully. Last time the ball had hit the stand and bounced back. His terrible aim had really done him good, in the previous timeline, but how could he fix that? It wasn’t like he had been aiming at the stand.

It was at that moment Dipper remembered the night in the Dusk 2 Dawn store. He had managed to catch a projectile out of mid air and sling it back to Robbie in one fluid motion, all on instinct. Maybe that’s what he needed to do: stop over thinking things. Yeah, that might work.

Dipper closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them, he quickly snapped his arm forward, rocketing the ball right into the bottles. Dipper smirked as all three bottle were knocked clean over, but that smirk didn’t last long. The ball flew into the back wall of the tent, which caused it to be bounced back.

And to Dipper’s disbelief, it crashed into Wendy’s eye once again.

“AAAAHH!” Wendy exclaimed. “MY EYE!”

‘ _What!?!_ ’ Dipper thought, shocked.

“Does it look swollen?” Wendy asked.

Dipper said he would go get ice, but he really ran back to the Shack and pulled out the Time Tape, as he’d decided to call it.

“What’re you doing’ in here, Bro-Bro?” Mabel asked as she walked in, feeding Waddles a caramel apple.

“The exact same thing happened, Mabel,” Dipper said. “It was weird.”

“Ooh, maybe it’s a time-curse,” Mabel suggested. “Waddles, can you say ‘time-curse’?”

Waddles let out two oinks that, Dipper had to admit, did sound a lot like “time curse”.

“Ooooooohhhhhhh!” Mabel gushed, hugging her pig. “Your face is so fat!”

“... Is it possible that the forces of time naturally conspire to undo any new outcomes?” Dipper wondered aloud.

“I dunno,” Mabel said with a shrug. “Maybe? Maybe you just need to try again? Third time’s the charm!”

“Sure, okay,” Dipper said with a nod, pulling out the tape. “How hard could it be?”

 

**_… retaL… reilraE...? revetahW, reppiD deirt niaga a tol, si eht tniop…_ **

 

As it turned out, changing time was very hard, and the third time was not the charm.

Or the fourth.

Or the fifth.

Dipper wasn’t one easily put off by things. It took a lot to freak him out, but this was getting legitimately spooky. Four times now he’d tried changing the past, and all four times Wendy had been hit in the eye. No matter what Dipper had done to change the outcome, everything was the same. It looked like Mabel’s “time curse” idea was more spot on than he’d thought.

Dipper gripped his forehead in frustration. This junk was starting to give him a migraine.

Okay, what else could he do? He’d tried aiming at different targets, different throwing styles, different positions. Maybe he really should try hitting the carnie in the head…

Dipper drew out various different rough sketches of different strategies with a sharpie on a popcorn maker. But Dipper wasn’t hopeful about any of his plans. If he could change time so easily, he’d have done it by now. The big problem was he just didn’t understand how time worked. Could time even be changed at all? Clearly it could, he did different things each time, but the major events were unchanged. Did that mean Wendy getting hit in the eye was a fixed point in time? Something that couldn’t be changed, no matter how hard he tried?

… Dang it, his migraine was getting worse.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Dipper spoke aloud. “Why can’t I change this event?”

“Face it, Dipper,” Mabel said as she played with her pig. “You’re obviously fated to have a bad day at the fair, just like I’m fated to be with Waddles.”

Dipper frowned. He turned to face his sister, holding up the Time Tape as he did so.

“Then what about this?” he asked. “What’s the point of having some time travelling clean up crew if time can’t be changed in any significant way?”

Mabel shrugged. “I dunno. You’re the one who watched all those sci-fi movies.”

“Those are just movies, Mabel,” Dipper said. “That stuff’s all either theoretical, or completely made up. It won’t help me figure out how to actually time travel right.”

“Welp,” Mabel said, rising to her feet. “Only way to figure this out is to do it more, right? Let’s give it another go!”

Dipper sighed. “Alright, alright. Another time through is another thing I learn, I guess. And more frustratio-”

Dipper’s comment was cut off by an unexpected pain in the back of his head. Spots exploded in the boy’s view, and he fell to his knees. Mabel’s eyes widened in surprise, looking down at her brother. She saw a baseball come to a stop just behind him. She figured that was probably what had hit him, but who had thrown it?

Dipper tried blinking the dark dots out of his vision. He held his head in his hands, already knowing he would feel that for a week at least. He was pretty sure he had a minor concussion, and- Wait. He was holding his head in both of his hands. Where was the Time Tape?

He looked briefly for it, but couldn’t find it. That is until he heard Mabel gasp at something behind him. Dipper turned his head around to see what she was looking at, and saw the Time Tape.

In the hand of a smiling Gideon Gleeful.

 

**11-2-11-24    13-11-0   0-14-7-0   12-11-11-18-15-20-13   21-12   10-11-16-7   2-1?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone, and welcome back to another chapter of Fighting in the Falls.  
> Okay, so I mentioned before the chapter that I had an important thing to say, so I'll get to that first, and provide a slight peek behind the curtains for some things much later down the road.
> 
> This story will continue on after Weirdmageddon, as the tags say. However, there's a gap of time between the canon end of the show and the next big plot point I have planned for after. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with some of those chapters, and while writing this one I got an idea. Would anyone be interested in a fluff chapter where Wendy and Dipper watch a movie and riff on it, Mystery Science Theater 3000- style? It has been shown in the show that they did watch terrible old movies together, and I thought it might be a fun thing to do. Leave your thoughts on this idea in the comments, and if you like it, maybe even suggest some terrible old film for them to watch. I had one in mind in case I decided to do this, but I haven't decided on it yet.
> 
> With that out of the way, on to the usual bits of chapter trivia!  
> So Gideon's here.  
> Yay...?  
> Yeah, I decided not to do the Little Dipper episode, so I wanted another chapter of Gideon being the antagonist before Dreamscaperers and Gideon Rises. Figured this was as good a spot to put him as any. And if anyone has been really looking forward to the next fight, don't worry, next chapter's going to be a big throw down.  
> Other than that though, not much else to say about this chapter. So instead, how about some real life trivia/excuses? I'm actually volunteering at a summer day camp all this week, so I won't have much writing time. The next chapter is probably going to be late. I'll try not to make it a full week late, but it very well may be. Sorry...  
> But in any case, that's all for now. Thank you all for reading. Be sure to leave your thoughts on the possible MST3K chapter in the comments, as well as any likes, dislikes, and questions you may have. Have a great day!
> 
>  
> 
> ... Oh yeah, and we broke 50,000 words! Woo-hoo! Confetti!


	11. Ground-HOG Da- wait a minute.

Gideon’s day could’ve been better.

After the success of Stan’s party at the Mystery Shack, Gideon had been determined to ensure this “Mystery Fair” was a failure. Turned out the trip he’d taken up to the Shack was unnecessary. Just one look at the place was enough to see how crummy the event was. Gideon was pretty sure any sabotage he could try wouldn’t even come close to topping the sorry state Stan had allowed for the fair. Still, Gideon had figured that, since he was there anyway, he’d at least try to dunk the old codger. He should’ve realized sooner that there was no way Stan would ever sit in a non-rigged dunk tank. Gideon had hit the target dead center, but the ball simply bounced back and got stuck in his hair.

‘ _ Curse that Stanford Pines! _ ’ Gideon fumed in his head as he dug the ball out of his hair. ‘ _ He will pay dearly for making a fool out of me! _ ’

As he stalked through the fair, the boy came to a stop as he heard the most angelic sound in the world.

‘ _ Is that the voice of my darling Mabel? _ ’ Gideon thought, mood lifting instantly.

Gideon looked and saw his sweetheart, being her impossibly adorable self as she played with a pig. Considerably less adorable was her brother, whom she was talking to. Gideon glared at the boy as he scribbled on a popcorn maker. It was because of Dipper that Mabel rejected him. He knew that if her punk of a brother wasn’t around, she’d have seen that they were made for each other. Still, Gideon had to restrain his anger. Without his amulet he didn’t stand a chance against Dipper in a fight.

‘ _ What are they talkin’ about? _ ’ Gideon wondered, trying to focus on their conversation.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Dipper spoke aloud. “Why can’t I change this event?”

“Face it, Dipper,” Gideon heard Mabel say as she played with her pig. “You’re obviously fated to have a bad day at the fair, just like I’m fated to be with Waddles.”

‘ _ Fate? _ ’ Gideon thought. ‘ _ Changing events? They couldn’t be talking about…? _ ’

“Then what about this?” he heard Dipper ask. “What’s the point of having some time travelling clean up crew if time can’t be changed in any significant way?”

Gideon’s eyes widened as he saw the device in Dipper’s hand. ‘ _ A time machine… _ ’

When the performer caught sight of the tape measure-looking device, he knew it must be a genuine time machine. The symbol on it was in his Journal. Apparently the Author had found a few devices with that symbol so technologically advanced, yet clearly made by humans, that they had to be from the future. But Gideon had never imagined that a time machine would find its way right to him. The possibilities were endless. He could go back and correct his few losses against Stan, or ensure his dates with Mabel had gone perfectly. He wasn’t sure what the first thing he would do would be, but one thing was for certain.

Gideon needed that time machine.

The young boy glanced around. He saw a game stand next to him that offered yo-yos as a prize, and the carnie in charge was asleep from boredom. Gideon swiped one of the yo-yos and readied the ball in his hand.

With the most powerful swing he could muster, Gideon threw the ball right in the back of Dipper’s head. The impact left the boy frazzled, and the tape measure flew out of his grasp. Gideon then threw the yo-yo at the measure, the string wrapping around the device. With a hard tug, Gideon pulled the tape measure back and caught it, letting the string fall off. Mabel gasped as Dipper turned to see who’d assaulted him.

“Gideon!” they both exclaimed.

“Well hello there, Pines twins,” Gideon greeted cordially. “I was just passing through this quaint little fair and couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. And if I did hear correct, this little doo-dad is some kind of time machine, is it not?”

Mabel’s eyes widened in panic, while Dipper’s teeth ground together in frustration and pain. This situation was going from bad to worse.

“I’ll take your worried expressions as a yes,” Gideon said smugly. “Well, I have been looking for something to replace my lucky bolo tie y’all broke. A tape measure isn’t quite as fashionable, but it’ll do. Wonder when I should go first? Back to our first fight, and make sure I win? Or maybe just snuff you out in the crib, boy-?”

“Waddles, sic ‘em!” Mabel shouted.

“Wadd- AHHH!!!”

Before Gideon could even finish his confused remark, Waddles shot across the grass and rammed his head right into Gideon. The smaller boy let out a pained wheeze as he stumbled back, the Time Tape slipping from his fingers. As he lost his grip he stretched his fingers, trying desperately to keep the time bending device in his grasp. He only succeeded in gripping the end of the tape, however, and the main mechanism flew through the air.

Dipper rushed forward and caught the main part of the device, while Gideon kicked Waddles away and rose to his feet. Dipper tried to pull the extended line out of Gideon’s hands, but the white-haired boy’s grip was far stronger than Dipper had thought. Mabel dashed to her brother’s aid, helping him pull on their end of the tape measure. The three played the most important game of tug of war in history, Gideon managing to hold on despite the greater strength pulling against him.

Waddles looked up from where he’d been kicked, and saw the extended tape. In a moment of pure impulse, the pig jumped forward and chomped down hard on the length of Time Tape, snapping the tape in two.

The three kids’ eyes all widened at once as the severed tape retracted back into the measure, both it and the piece Gideon held beginning to glow.

With a flash, the three vanished.

 

**_… reilraE, ni eht s0081…_ **

 

The kids all fell on a natural stone path, Dipper and Gideon each gripping their pieces of the time machine.

Dipper groaned as he sat up. “When are we?”

“The real question is: when are we?” Mabel countered. “Oh wait, did you already-?”

“Yeah, I already-”

“Alright.”

“ **YOU!!!** ”

Both twins looked and saw Gideon glaring at them (well, Dipper specifically), shaking with rage.

“ **Look what you’ve done, boy!** ” Gideon howled. “ **You’ve stranded us in the past!** ”

“Says the guy who tried to steal the thing,” Dipper spat back, noting that apparently time travel made headaches worse.

Before Gideon could retort, the three felt the ground rumble beneath them.

“What is that?” Mabel asked, unable to find the source, even as the vibrations grew stronger.

Gideon looked behind him, and just as he did, he saw what was causing the shaking come around the mountain trail.

“STAMPEDE!!!” he shouted.

The twins saw that he was right. A herd of very angry buffalo were charging straight at them. Not having anywhere else to go, the three jumped off the edge of the cliff, free-falling down to a rocky demise. At least, that’s what would’ve happened, if the pieces of the Time Tape hadn’t started glowing again. Dipper realized what was about to happen, and quickly shot his arm out at his sister. Mabel caught on, fingertips just barely making contact with her brother’s hand as they suddenly flashed out of existence.

 

**_… retaL, 03 sraey erofeb tneserp yad…_ **

 

The kids fell into a thick snowbank, several feet deep. The fresh powder cushioned their fall, preventing them from receiving any serious damage. The children tumbled down the hill the snowbank was resting on, eventually coming to a stop.

Dipper slowly stood, wincing as the pain in his head grew even worse, and a cold shiver wracked his body. He was not prepared for the cold, and Mabel wasn’t taking it great either from the looks of things. Dipper rose to his shaky feet, about to ask if Mabel was okay when-

“ **GRRAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!** ” Gideon cried as he tackled Dipper to the ground.

The two boys rolled around in the snow, each punching the other in the face when they could. The wrestling caused Dipper to drop his piece of the Time Tape. Mabel ran and grabbed the main piece, making sure it wasn’t lost, as Dipper managed to kick Gideon off him.

Dipper tried jumping back to his feet, but he stumbled. His concussion was killing him, and it was starting to take its toll. His limbs felt weak, he had trouble focusing his vision, and his balance was off. To make matters worse, each time jump seemed to multiply his pain. He wasn’t sure how many more of these he could take.

Gideon however, was feeling no such after effects of the time travel. He shot back up to his feet and charged his foe. Tucking his severed piece of Time Tape in his suit, Gideon threw a swing at Dipper. The taller boy dropped to his knees to avoid the punch, but as Gideon passed Dipper, he pivoted. The shorter boy put Dipper in a headlock, trying to choke him out. Dipper wasn’t having it though. He grabbed the arm wrapped around his neck, and with his newly acquired strength threw Gideon over his head, judo-style. He had intended to slam the violent pretty boy down hard onto the ground, and hopefully incapacitate him. Unfortunately, just before Gideon impacted the snow-covered dirt, the pieces of the Time Tape shined, and the three vanished again.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Dipper sputtered as he suddenly fell into water. He frantically kicked up, not having been able to take a proper breath beforehand. As his head shot above water, he gasped for breath and took a look around. He was in a lake of some kind, and there was a loud noise approaching them. He turned and saw a boat speeding at them from across the lake, and not just any boat.

‘ _ The S.S. Cool Dude? _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ Then this must be Lake Gravity Falls, the day Stan took us fishing! And if the boat is moving that fast, then that must mean that this is the chase with the Gobblewonker! We’ve gotta-! _ ’

Dipper’s realization was cut off by Gideon appearing behind him and pushing him back underwater. Dipper tried to struggle, but his headache was even worse and he once again hadn’t had an opportunity to take a good breath. As such, his attempts at freeing himself were weak and ineffective. Fortunately for him, Mabel swam up to Gideon and yanked him off her brother. Mabel kicked Gideon away, but the force was lesser in the water. Dipper came up for air again, hacking up water.

“You okay, Dipper?” Mabel asked.

“Move!” Dipper managed to cough out.

That was when Mabel noticed the S.S. Cool Dude barrelling at them. She and Dipper swam out of the way as fast as they could. While they were barely able to avoid getting hit by the boat, they were still caught in its wake. Dipper felt a sharp pain in his leg as he was knocked around and spun by the waves, like he’d tried kneeing a tank. He realized his leg must’ve hit the mechanical Gobblewonker as it gave chase to the twins’ past selves. Needless to say, the injury, alongside his increasingly painful headache, made swimming very hard.

Dipper noticed the main piece of the Time Tape floating in front of him, having been dropped by Mabel in the chaos of the waves. He grabbed it, and the device started glowing again. Dipper looked around for his sister frantically, barely locking widened eyes with her as he and Gideon blinked out of reality.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Dipper groaned in pain as he pried open his eyes. His head was beginning to feel like it was splitting open. Dipper felt a wet dribble run down over his mouth, and with a quick wipe with his hand, saw it was blood. He had a nose bleed, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t gotten it from Gideon. The pain in his head was so intense that at first he didn’t realize that he was in free fall.

Dipper glanced around. It looked like he was falling down a hole of some kind, but he couldn’t see a bottom to it. The drop seemed to go on forever. Dipper seriously hoped he hadn’t been taken to the end of time or something.

It was at that moment that two things happened. One was Dipper realizing he didn’t know where Gideon was. The other was, of course, Gideon flying in and punching Dipper over his head.

“AARGH!!!” Dipper shouted, feeling the pain in his skull double.

“ **She’s trapped!** ” Gideon cried out, furious. “ **My Mabel is trapped in the past and it’s all your fault!** ”

Gideon grabbed Dipper by his collar and tried to punch the taller boy in the face. But Dipper was ready this time, and caught Gideon’s fist in an iron grip. Dipper knocked Gideon’s arm away, dislodging the one holding onto his jacket in the process, and slugged Gideon right in his fat cheek. Both boys flew back in the air at the impact. Gideon felt painful tears leak out of his eyes as he spit out a tooth.

He kicked off the wall of the hole and shot back to Dipper. Dipper tried doing the same, but winced at the surprise pain that shot through his left leg. It still hurt from hitting the Gobblewonker, and might’ve been fractured.

This moment of hesitation proved to be all the opening Gideon needed. His fist collided with Dipper’s face, knocking the boy’s suffering skull back into the wall of the hole. Dipper kicked up with his good leg, nailing Gideon in the stomach and causing the shorter boy to let out a pained gasp as he got the wind knocked out of him. Gideon raised slightly higher in the air, putting his ankles right in Dipper’s face. Not one to miss an opportunity, Dipper grabbed one of Gideon’s legs and swung his back into the wall of the hole.

The two tumbled through the open air trying to get some slight recovery from their injuries. Gideon spit some blood out of his mouth, gums still aching from his lost tooth, and Dipper wiped the continuously dripping blood from under his nose.

Just as the boys were ready to go at each other again, they saw a bright light at the bottom of the hole, and were fast approaching it. Each braced for whatever was about to happen, but were surprised when they were sent flying up into the air. The flew out of the ground, and saw the Mystery Shack next to them. Before either could wonder what the heck was going on, the pieces of Time Tape began glowing again, and the two vanished.

 

**_… nI eht raf erutuf…_ **

 

Dipper fell on his back, letting out an intense howl of pain. His vision was blurred, and he could feel the gushing of blood coming from his nose. At first he thought something was wrong with his ears, because he thought he heard explosions and screaming. He soon realized that he wasn’t hearing things. All around him was a ruined cityscape, with what appeared to be soldiers with laser guns running around and shooting at each other. Dipper noticed through the metallic smell of his own blood that he could smell the acidic odor of burning cement, metal, and what he guessed was probably burning flesh.

He repressed a gag at the sickening smell, and tried to sit up, when Gideon ran at him. More than expecting this by now, Dipper shot out his good leg and managed to connect with Gideon’s knee. The charging boy fell to Dipper’s side, and  Dipper rolled over, pinning Gideon to the ground. He began punching Gideon in the face, knocking the boy’s head around, before Gideon shoved his enormous hairdo in Dipper’s face. This provided enough of a distraction for the shorter boy to kick Dipper in his bad leg. The pain caused the taller boy to lose his grip, and Gideon used the opportunity to push Dipper off of him and strike him in the face.

Dipper toppled back, in a haze from Gideon’s punch. He tried to pick himself up, but his arms kept giving out under him. He couldn’t hear the sounds of the battlefield around him through the deafening ringing in his ears. He looked back at Gideon, and despite his blurry vision, was able to make out the smaller boy spitting out another, maybe two more teeth. Determination building, he pushed his hands against the ground, and got up to his knees. Both hands...

Dipper’s vision cleared a bit, and he realized he’d dropped his piece of the Time Tape again. His eyes darted around, looking for its bright yellow color. He eventually saw it next to a barely standing wall, apparently having been flung there after Gideon punched him. Dipper was about to go for it, when a stray laser shot collided with the wall. A mountain of rubble fell on the device, and both Dipper and Gideon’s eyes widened at the sight.

Gideon frantically pulled out his piece of the Time Tape. The severed piece of the measuring cord sparked and sputtered, before releasing a puff of smoke and losing its color.

“What have you done…” Gideon mumbled in shock, before his rage came back full force. “ **What have you done, boy!?! That was our only ticket back to the present!!! We’ll be stuck in this nightmare of a time forever!!!** ”

Gideon ran at Dipper again, furious. Dipper shot forward, launching a punch straight into Gideon’s face. Dipper stumbled as he put his weight on his bad leg, and Gideon recovered from the hit quickly, enraged adrenaline overtaking his pain. He punched Dipper in his stomach, and kicked him in his bad shin. Dipper let out a pain cry as he fell forward, but used his fall to land a powerful haymaker deadcenter on Gideon’s face. Dipper felt a satisfying crunch under his fist, and he was sure he’d just broken Gideon’s nose.

As Dipper fell to the ground, Gideon stumbled back shrieking in pain. He clutched his nose, feeling his own violent nosebleed begin. Just as Dipper picked himself back up, a powerful explosion happened in the distance. Apparently the blast hit a bunch of bunkered soldiers, as their charred bodies came crashing down around the two boys. Dipper managed a painful dive out of the way, but one fell right on top of Gideon.

With a startled scream, he pushed the body off of him, but saw that the soldier’s laser gun was still in his hand and intact. Gideon grabbed the gun and began shooting at Dipper, who struggled to move out of the way in time. One laser landed at Dipper’s feet, which created and explosion that sent Dipper flying back through the air.

And caused him to land on a sharp pole of metal sticking out of a smashed concrete wall.

Dipper coughed up heavy amounts of blood as he looked down at the metal pole sticking out of one of his kidneys. With shaky hands, he gripped the pole, in disbelieving shock at the sight.

Gideon’s breath was ragged, as he viewed the sight of his shishkabobbed enemy. Blood was soaking through Dipper’s black shirt, and starting to drip down his legs. Ever couple of seconds he would let out a weak cough, which caused more blood to spray from his mouth.

With a pained exhale, Dipper’s head fell back against the cement.

He didn’t inhale.

Gideon repressed a gag at the sight. He actually did it.

Suddenly, two bright flashes happened next to Gideon, blinding him. When his eyes blinked open, he saw two soldiers with even more futuristic gear standing before him. One whose name tag read “Lolph” used his eye visor to scan Gideon.

“He’s one of the Anachronisms,” Lolph told his partner.

“This one too,” his partner with a name tag saying “Dundgren” said, gesturing at Dipper’s body.

“Anachro-what? Who are you!?” Gideon exclaimed, frazzled.

Lolph raised his arm cannon at Gideon.

“We’re the clean up crew.”

**BLAST!!!**

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni tneserp yad…_ **

 

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Dipper spoke aloud. “Why can’t I change this event?”

“Face it, Dipper,” Mabel said as she played with her pig. “You’re obviously fated to have a bad day at the fair, just like I’m fated to be with Waddles.”

Dipper frowned. He turned to face his sister, holding up the Time Tape as he did so.

“Then what about this?” he asked. “What’s the point of having some time travelling clean up crew if time can’t be changed in any significant way?”

Mabel shrugged. “I dunno. You’re the one who watched all those sci-fi movies.”

“Those are just movies, Mabel,” Dipper said. “That stuff’s all either theoretical, or completely made up. It won’t help me figure out how to actually time travel right.”

“Welp,” Mabel said, rising to her feet. “Only way to figure this out is to do it more, right? Let’s give it another-!”

“HEY, THAT LITTLE KID JUST STOLE ONE OF THE PRIZES!”

The twins’ heads whipped around at the sudden exclamation, and saw Gideon with a stolen yo-yo in hand, baseball in another. His eyes were wide, darting around to look who had seen him.

“Wh-What?” Gideon stuttered, startled. “N-No, I was just-”

“Hey!” the carnie barked in a heavy accent at the small boy, having been woken up by the shout. “You cannot just take that!”

“Is that you, Gideon!?” Stan called from across the fair. “Oi, carnie, throw his pudgy butt outta here!”

“With pleasure,” the carnie said as he picked Gideon up by his collar and carried him off. “Now you see what happens to yo-yo thieves in Mother Russia.”

“Wait! No!” Gideon cried, squirming fruitlessly. “You can’t do this to wittle ol’ me!”

Stan laughed at the sight. “Yeah, good riddance, ya make up wearin’ munchkin! Just one in a long list of losers today, eh folks?”

The crowd began booing again, and Stan’s laughter continued.

The twins stared on at the spectacle, confused as to what they’d seen. It looked like Gideon had been about to attack them. Had he heard them talking about the time machine? But then he’d gotten caught. Was that a coincidence, or-?

“Whew, that was close.”

Both twins spun around at the voice behind them, and saw someone their size wearing a pink poncho with the hood pulled over their head. The mystery person pulled the hood back and revealed their face.

Or rather, Mabel’s face.

“Huh-mi-na what?” Mabel asked confusedly, looking at… herself.

“Heya, me!” Poncho Mabel greeted happily. “Hey Waddles, good to see you again! And you, Dippin’ Sauce! Man, that was almost really bad, huh?”

“Mabel, what is going on here?” Dipper asked Non-Poncho Mabel with an accusing glare.

“Don’t ask me!” Mabel said, raising her hands defensively.

“Yeah, she didn’t do anything,” Poncho Mabel said. “And won’t do anything now, I guess. Time travel is confusing.”

“Explain,” Dipper said flatly. “Now.”

“Yeah, so Gideon kind of attacked us,” Poncho Mabel started. “Long story short, the time machine broke and I got left behind in the lake during the whole Gobblewonker thing. At first I was freaking out, but then I realized that was only, like, two weeks ago. So I just took the long way back.”

“And used your knowledge of what would happen to stop Gideon from getting and breaking the Time Tape?” Dipper asked.

Future Mabel shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“And somehow didn’t cause a universe-ending paradox?”

Another shug. “Guess not.”

Dipper groaned. “I’m officially done with time travel.”

“That’s probably for the best,” Future Mabel said, swiping the Time Tape from brother. “Guess trying to bend the laws of time just to keep Wendy from going out with Robbie was a pretty bad idea. I’m just glad I managed to fix this before anything really bad happened.”

“YOU TWO!!!”

The three turned around and saw Blendin rushing toward them, a look of angered panic on his face.

“Do you have any idea, how many rules you just broke?!” Blendin exclaimed. “I’m asking; I wasn’t there with you... it was probably a lot, right? Ga-AH!”

Blendin recoiled at the sight of Future Mabel. She gave him an uncomfortable wave and nervous chuckle.

“ _ YOU CREATED AN ANACHRONISM!?!?! _ ” Blendin shrieked.

“A what?” both Mabels asked simultaneously.

“No no no no…” Blendin ramble nervously. “I-I had nothing to do with this! Y-You two were the ones who-!”

With a bright flash of light, Lolph and Dundgren appeared next to the time travelling man.

“Blendin Blandin…” Dundgren said, scowling.

“AAAAGH!” Blendin exclaimed. “The Time Paradox Avoidment Enforcement Squadron!”

“That’s right,” Lolph said, “and you are in a multiverse of trouble. Your incompetence has led to the loss and subsequent destruction of a time machine, as well as the creation of three Anachronisms.”

“ _ THREE!?!?! _ ” Blendin shrilled.

“You’re under arrest for violation of the Time Traveler’s Code of Conduct,” Dundgren said, slapping handcuffs on the bald man.

“B-Bu-But,” Blendin stuttered, desperate to find anything to alleviate his punishment, “my time machine isn’t broken yet! It’s still okay!”

“So that makes the broken one your FOURTH Anachronism, then?” Lolph asked, causing Blendin’s face to blanch. “Well, where is it?”

Blendin gasped. “She has it! That girl’s an Anachronism, and she has it! Y-You have to get her!”

Lolph and Dundgren whipped their heads around, looking straight at Future Mabel.

“Scans confirm it,” Dundgren said as he and Lolph raised their arm cannons at Future Mabel.

Thinking fast, Dipper and Present Mabel tackled Future Mabel to the ground as the future agents fired at where she’d been standing mere moments before. The lasers whizzed past the kids, and happened to hit the dunk tank target, dropping Stan into the water to the joy of the crowd.

Their grunkle’s suffering aside, Dundgren and Lolph lowered their aim, about to fire again. Just as the shots rang out, Future Mabel used the Time Tape, causing the three of them and Waddles to vanish.

“She escaped,” Lolph grumbled.

“She can’t run forever,” Dundgren said. “First we’ll take Blendin to Time Jail, then we can focus on hunting down the three Anachronisms. The two stuck in the Great Time War should be easy enough to get.”

“I-I swear!” Blendin insisted. “It wasn’t me! It was those kids! And their leader, Waddles!”

“The pig, Blendin?” Lolph asked.

The bald man grumbled incoherently as he was taken to the future.

 

**_… A wef sruoh reilrae…_ **

 

The triplets(?) and Waddles faded into existence, still in the fair. And judging by the resumed boos at the dunk tank, they were in the past.

Future Mabel sat up, panting. “I brought us back a few hours.”

“It won’t take them long to find us,” Dipper told her.

“Right,” Future Mabel said with a nod. “I gotta go.”

Dipper gave his alternate future sister quick over the shoulder hug, and the girl bent over and gave her pig a kiss on his forehead.

“I’ll miss you, Waddles,” Future Mabel said. “Bye guys! Good luck with everything!”

With that, Future Mabel pulled out the tape and released it, vanishing in a flash.

“Hey Dipper?” Mabel asked.

“Yeah?” Dipper responded.

“What the heck just happened?”

“I have no idea.”

Mabel hummed. “I think I’m going to go inside, play with Waddles, and try to never think about time travel again.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Dipper said.

“Oh hey, there you are, Dipper.”

The boy turned around and saw Wendy walking up to him. The boy repressed a sigh. He’d seen this scene more than enough to figure out exactly when they’d ended up.

“Hey Wendy,” Dipper said. “Sorry, Mabel really wanted to show me her new pig, right Mabel?”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Mabel started. “His name is Waddles. I call him that because he waddles.”

“Neat,” Wendy said with a chuckle. “C’mon man, let’s see what else this crummy place has.”

“Yeah…” Dipper said.

The rest of the walk went the same. The promise of hanging out more, and watching terrible old movies together. Dipper tried to enjoy it while he could, even tried to steer Wendy away from the stand, but he knew it was all for not. He’d done all that he could to change this outcome, but it couldn’t work. He’d just seen that carelessly trying to change time had drastic consequences. Even as Wendy commented how she wanted the stuffed whatever-it-was, Dipper resigned himself to his fate. No matter what he did, when he threw that ball, it was going to hit his companion in the eye.

… Wait a minute. Could that be it? Could that have been what he’d been missing? He’d been trying to completely rework how events had gone, but maybe if he only shifted them slightly… After all, that’s what he’d been doing this whole time, right? But if what he thought would happen really happened… Whatever, he could deal with it. It was his last chance, why not give it a shot?

“The thing does look cool,” Dipper said. “You gonna go for it?”

“What, my big tough friend isn’t gonna win it for me?” Wendy asked with a smirk.

Dipper shook his head. “You must be confusing me for Mabel. I couldn’t hit the broadside of the Shack.”

“Nuh-uh,” Wendy said. “I remember you nailing Robbie at the store.”

“Fluke,” Dipper countered. “And what about you and your pinecones, huh?”

“You have any idea how long it took me to be able to do that?” Wendy countered back. “I’m telling you dude, I’m a worse shot.”

“Okay, you think so?” Dipper asked. “Prove it. Let’s see who the worst shot is.”

Wendy smirked. “Sounds fun. Winner is the biggest loser here.”

Dipper did an elaborate bow. “Ladies first.”

Wendy rolled her eyes. “You’re too kind.”

With that prompt, Wendy picked up a ball and got into position.

“You only get one shot,” the carnie told her.

“Yeah, yeah,” Wendy dismissed, trying to get in the zone.

After a few seconds of lining up her shot to fly over the bottles completely, she threw the ball. She grinned as she missed completely, until the ball hit the back of the tent and came flying back at her. Or more specifically, her companion.

She turned just in time to see the ball collide right into Dipper’s eye. The boy doubled over and covered his face.

“Ah…!” Dipper hissed. “My eye…!”

“Woah, Dipper are you okay!?” Wendy asked. “I’m so sorry, I just-”

“Does it look swollen?” Dipper asked, uncovering his now purple eye.

Wendy winced guiltily at the sight. “Um… a bit…”

“Hey Wendy,” Robbie said as he walked up to the two, grape snow cone in hand. “So I was thinking-”

“Oh, thanks Robbie,” Wendy interrupted as she grabbed his frozen treat and placed it gently over Dipper’s eye. “Here man, this should help. I’m really, really sorry, Dipper.”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Dipper said, trying for a smile. “Guess you finally got me back, eh-? Ow!  _ Mn- _ **_hmm…!_ ** ”

Wendy’s gaze was focused on Dipper, checking to see his condition and hoping his eye would stop swelling, before remembering Robbie had been trying to talk to her.

“Oh yeah, what were gonna say, Robbie?” Wendy asked, not looking away from her injured friend.

Robbie saw how focused she was on Dipper, and that she was barely even paying attention to him. He pulled his hoodie over his head, using the string to tighten it shut.

“N-Nothing…” Robbie mumbled dejectedly. “Have fun with your dork friend…”

“Seriously Robbie?!” Wendy snapped, finally turning to look at him. “I accidentally hurt him and you’re  _ still _ being a jerk? Jeez, just go and do whatever, already.”

Robbie mumbled some incomprehensible nonsense, before sulking off, rejection stinging.

“Sorry about that,” Wendy apologized. “Don’t know why he has to be such a tool.”

Dipper dismissed her concern, trying as hard as he could not to break out into a dumb smile. Someone had to throw the ball, and their companion had to get hit in the eye. These were events that had to occur at the fair today. But as for who did the throwing, and who got hit? Apparently those were less important details. And this way, Wendy and Robbie don’t end up going out. Sure, Dipper’s eye was going to look pretty bad for a while, but that was a small price to pay. Now, he still had a chance.

And Wendy being super concerned about him was a nice bonus.

 

**25-14-1-0   1-22,   0-24-7-9-11-24**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, at least it wasn't a full week late, right?
> 
> Hello all, welcome back to a long overdue chapter of Fighting in the Falls. All I can say is, I tried. But anyway, several neat things about this chapter, so lets get into it.  
> First and most apparent, Future Mabel. This was an idea that just sort of popped into my head when I was writing the chapter, and I liked it a lot. The idea of a time-hopping Mabel constantly on the run from Time Baby's forces was too good to pass up.  
> And for those wondering, "Anachronism" is a term that refers to something in a time period that it doesn't seem to belong in. The word, in the real world, often refers to objects that seem too advanced for their time. Here, I've hijacked the term to refer to a person or thing that has become "unstuck" from the regular flow of time. What exactly does that entail? The story will get to that, eventually.  
> Oh, and if anyone is wondering how a time double of Mabel was made when the Time Tape clearly fast forwards or rewinds time around the user, it's because the Tape was broken and malfunctioning. I doubt anyone really cared about that detail, but there you go.  
> But how about Dipper figuring out that trick at the end, huh? That bit was one of the first things I came up with when thinking of these two chapters. This means Wendy and Robbie won't end up dating in this story. Feel free to shower me with praise for this accomplishment.  
> In all seriousness though, Wendy X Robbie was always just sort of a "conflict in a can" if you will, for a few episodes, so I don't think anyone will be too upset since their short -lived relationship didn't really amount to anything, anyway. Except a for a few episodes I won't be doing (sorry Sev'ral Timez and Love God).  
> But the real question here is: Will Dipper and Wendy actually end up together? Well-
> 
> (Spoiler Filter looks at me warily)
> 
> ... I haven't the faintest idea. Yeah.  
> Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Buryooooo uploaded the next part of Fight Falls on her Deviant Art. Web address in the story summary, if you somehow haven't checked out the work that inspired this fic already. I just hope the Sock Opera arc finishes before I get to it. Otherwise I'll have to write my own separate ending. Either that or go on hiatus until that arc is finished.  
> ... Yeah, I'll probably just make up my own ending if it comes down to it.
> 
> Aaaaaaaaaaand I think that's everything! For those of you in the U.S. (do I even have any non-American readers?), you all know what's coming up. The 4th of July, good old Independence Day! I'm going to visit family all next week, so that naturally means the next chapter is going to be another week late, right? WRONG! I've already gotten a head start on writing the next chapter, so it should be ready, ON TIME, next week. Hopefully.  
> That said, thank you for reading. If you have any likes, dislikes, or unanswered questions about the story that are keeping you awake at night, let me know in the comments. I love the feedback and always try to answer as fast as I can (so, usually pretty slow). Have a great day, and a great 4th of July.  
> Unless you're British. Then this whole thing is kinda awkward.
> 
>  
> 
> FUTURE MABEL WILL RETURN.


	12. ^, ^, v, v, <, >, <, >, B, A, Start

“Oh, oh, oh!”

Dipper and Wendy each made various excite exclamations as they each mashed their buttons on the Fight Fighters machine. They were playing an old Street Fighter rip-off carted off in the back of the Gravity Falls Arcade, and having an absolute blast. Dipper had a happy grin on his face as he and Wendy went at each other in the game, and the redhead had a similarly happy smile.

“Ooh, cutscene!” she said as the match abruptly stopped.

“Dr. Karate, you killed my father again!” Dipper’s character, Rumble McSkirmish, shouted from the arcade machine.

“HHNNGHHHH!!!!!!!” Wendy’s character, Dr. Karate grunted angrily.

“You take that BAAACKKKK!!!!!!!!” Rumble shouted.

Wendy giggled at the terrible voice acting, and Dipper rolled his eyes with a smile. You gotta love terrible nineties dub jobs.

“ **Fight!** ” the game announcer declared.

Dipper and Wendy went back at it, each pulling of the best combos they could to win. But after a perfectly executed “Karate Crusher” from Wendy, the match was over.

“Oh, what?” Dipper said playfully. “Boo!”

“Don’t hate the player,” Wendy said with a nonchalant shrug, smirking all the while. “You might have some fancy moves out here, but the game world, I am KING!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dipper said. “C’mon. Round two,  _ your Majesty. _ ”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Wendy said as she got ready for the next round. “Hey, I’m gonna punch the ref.”

“ **Fight!** ” the referee declared.

“Let’s gang up on him!” Wendy said as she started hitting buttons.

Dipper shrugged, pulling of a string of punches that appeared to hit the non-responsive referee.

Wendy laughed at the sight. “Nice!”

“Hey, Wendy!”

Dipper turned and his good mood immediately faded. In walked Robbie, with several flyers in his hand. Oh course, even when tucked into the back corner of the Arcade no one ever went to, somehow they ran into Robbie.

“Oh, hey Robbie,” Wendy said, turning to the teen. “What brings you here?”

“Just putting up some flyers for my band,” Robbie said in a totally humble voice. “I’m playing lead guitar. No biggie.”

Dipper took a sceptical look at the picture of Robbie on the flyers. “Nice mascara.”

“Uh, it’s eye-paint for men,” Robbie countered, trying not to sound defensive.

“Right, guy-liner,” Dipper said with a nod.

“No, I… I mean…?” Robbie stumbled over his words, unable to tell if that was better or worse.

“Hey Robbie,” Wendy said. “Dipper was just showing me this great game.”

“Ha, yeah, sweet, sweet,” Robbie said. “Hey, how about you sit this one out, okay champ?”

Dipper wanted to tell Robbie to buzz off, he had been hanging with Wendy first, but he restrained himself. Robbie was still Wendy’s friend, and she’d clearly gotten over his lack of manners at the Mystery Shack Fair. As much as Dipper couldn’t stand the overly edgy boy, he didn’t want to come off as an even bigger jerk.

Dipper wordlessly stepped aside and gestured for Robbie to go ahead. Wendy gave Dipper an appreciative nod for not starting anything, and turned back to the game to play with Robbie.

“ **Round Three!** ” the ref declared. “ **Fight!** ”

“So hey,” Wendy said as she mashed her ranged attack. “I’m gonna go camping tomorrow with my dad, so I won’t be around.”

“Oh, cool, cool,” Robbie said with a nod. “Watch out!”

The two focused on their match, but Dipper didn’t miss the glare Robbie shot over his shoulder at him.

 

**_… ehT txen yad, ta eht kcahS…_ **

 

“King me!” Mabel said, revealing her two King cards.

Various frustrated grunts came from around the table Dipper, Stan, and Soos, each placed their own cards on the table, reluctantly accepting their loss.

“It’s not fair,” Stan said. “She doesn’t even know what we’re playing!”

“Go Fish?” Mabel guessed.

As Stan gathered up the cards to reshuffle, the four winced as they heard an electric guitar screech to life outside.

“Dude,” Soos said, “I think I’m picking up a radio station inside my head.”

“Weeendy!” a voice sang poorly from outside the Shack.

Dipper groaned, recognizing the singer. “Robbie.”

“Robbie?” Stan asked. “Is he that jerky twerp I see making goo-goo eyes at Wendy all the time?”

“He called me ‘Big Dude’ once,” Soos said. “I mean, I know I’m a big dude, but it kinda hurt.”

Mabel wore a rare scowl. “Should I go get him to sing a high note again?”

Dipper was so angry he didn’t even laugh at the pleasant memory. “No, I’ll handle this.”

“Ooooooh!” the three remaining marveled as Dipper walked off.

“Ha ha, conflict!” Stan said happily.

“Try not to kill him!” Mabel called enthusiastically.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, edistuo…_ **

 

“Wendy!” Robbie sang. “Wendy, Wendy! Wendy! C’mon out! C’mon down!”

“You realize she’s not here, right?” Dipper asked, arms crossed as he approached the elder boy.

“Yes!” Robbie scoffed, before processing the statement. “... What?”

“She’s out camping with her family today,” Dipper said. “If you ever actually listened to her, you’d have known that.”

“What was that?!” Robbie shot back.

“Did I stutter?” Dipper asked.

“You want to get into it, huh?” Robbie responded, clenching his fists. “Let’s get into it, kid! You think I don’t know what’s been going on, huh? It’s obvious you’ve got a thing for my girl, don’t you? Don’t you?!”

“Wendy’s not ‘your’ girl,” Dipper retorted. “Or did I miss you two getting together? Last time you tried to ask her out she told you to beat it before you even got the chance.”

“Wh-What!?” Robbie sputtered. “How did you-!?”

“Maybe you’re the obvious one here,” Dipper interrupted.

Okay, so maybe using knowledge from other timelines was kind of cheating. Sue him.

“What’s it to you, anyway?” Robbie retorted. “Wendy was my friend first!”

“And she deserves better,” Dipper responded simply.

“Oh yeah, like what? You?” Robbie asked. “I’m sure she’s just DYING to ask out a  twelve year old kid who wears the exact same shorts every day. Hey, here’s an idea. Why don’t I call her right now and see if she wants to go out on a date with you?”

Dipper’s eyes narrowed as Robbie pulled out his cell phone. “You wouldn’t dare…”

“What’re you gonna do, tough guy?” Robbie taunted. “You talk big, kid! You actually gonna walk the walk, huh!? Huh!?”

“Hello?” Wendy’s voice came in over the phone.

Before Robbie could say a word, Dipper stomped down on Robbie’s foot, HARD. The boy let out a pained scream and he dropped his phone onto the grass. Dipper quickly lifted his foot and brought it down again, this time on Robbie’s cell. Robbie looked down at his phone and saw it had been cracked almost completely in two.

“My phone!” Robbie exclaimed, pain quickly shifting to anger. “Oh, that is it! You’re dead meat, kid!”

Robbie immediately threw a punch at Dipper, and the younger boy rolled his eyes. Effortlessly, Dipper ducked under the punch and grabbed Robbie’s extended arm. With a quick yank, Dipper pulled Robbie forward kneed the older boy in the gut. Robbie’s legs went weak as he gasped for breath, and Dipper used the opportunity to turn around and judo flip his adversary onto the dirt.

Robbie grunted as he crashed to the ground, wincing from the pain. When he opened his eyes, he saw Dipper’s foot raised above his face, before rapidly falling.

“AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh…!” Robbie shouted, tensing up before realizing he hadn’t been hit. “Huh?”

He looked to his side and saw Dipper’s foot resting next to him. At that, Dipper released Robbie’s arm and knelt on one knee next to Robbie, resting his arms casually on his leg.

“Let me make this crystal clear,” Dipper said. “If I wanted to, I could break your arms, legs, and spirit before you could even say ‘ow’. The only reason I haven’t already is because, unlike you, I actually listen to Wendy. So I know she doesn’t like it when guys fight.”

“B-Big talk from a punk who just uses a bunch of cheap shots!” Robbie spit out, trying to sound tough.

“Oh, let me guess,” Dipper said with an eye roll. “‘You weren’t ready’?”

“Yeah!” Robbie responded, completely unaware of how stupid he sounded.

“Fine,” Dipper said, standing up. “Since you apparently ARE as dumb as you look, I guess I’ll have to make sure this lesson gets through your thick skull. You. Me. Three o’clock at, let’s say, Circle Park? No weapons, no dirty blows. You win, I buzz off whenever you want me to, and I won’t get in the way of you trying to ask Wendy out. I win, you scram whenever I say so, and you never bother me or my family again. Deal?”

Dipper extended a hand down to Robbie, who after looking at it reluctantly accepted it.

“... Deal,” Robbie muttered, shaking the hand as he stood up.

“Good,” Dipper said. “Now get off our property.”

Mabel watched from the window as Robbie skulked off, and Dipper walked back to the Shack with his hands in his pockets.

“That was pretty cool, Bro-Bro,” the girl said as Dipper stepped back inside. “But won’t Wendy get upset if she finds out you beat up one of her old friends?”

“That would mean he’d have to admit he got his butt kicked by a twelve year old,” Dipper said with a scoff. “That’s not happening. Besides, didn’t you kick him in the nuts a week ago?”

“Yeah,” Mabel said, “and I’m not trying to go out with his friend.”

“Look,” Dipper said, “Robbie’s a total jerk. We both know that. But he’s a jerk that Wendy would date if given the chance. Weren’t you the one that said I needed to be more active in trying to go out with Wendy?”

“This isn’t exactly what I had in mind,” Mabel countered.

“It’s fine,” Dipper reassured her. “I’ll rough him up a bit, and he won’t bother us anymore.”

“And if he doesn’t keep his word?” Mabel asked.

“If I scare him enough, he will,” Dipper responded.

Mabel shrugged. “Alright, if you’re sure this is what you want to do. But if something goes wrong, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Duly noted,” Dipper said as he walked back to the game table. “I mean, this is  _ Robbie _ we’re talking about. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Mabel couldn’t wait to see what went wrong.

 

**_… retaL, ni eht edacrA…_ **

 

“Stupid kid!” Robbie spat as he played Fight Fighters to “get in the zone”.

“ **Round One!** ” the referee declared. “ **Fight!** ”

Robbie tried in vain to beat the boss, getting annihilated in mere moments. Robbie slammed his fist down on the game console.

“ **K.O!** ” the referee announced. “ **Continue?** ”

“A winner never runs away from a fight!” Rumble’s voice came from the game.

‘ _ Easy for you to say, _ ’ Robbie thought bitterly to himself. ‘ _ You never had to fight some psycho tween who somehow managed to kill ghosts. Well, and you’re not real. _ ’

Robbie let out a frustrated groan as he rubbed his hand over his face. He only had a few hours to prepare for his fight with Dipper, so why was he wasting time in an arcade? Simple. He knew he didn’t have a snowball’s chance. Nevermind the fact that this day marked the second time Dipper had completely taken him by surprise. Oh, or the fact that  _ HE KILLED GHOSTS _ . He killed that which was already dead. How? ‘Cause he’s Dipper Freakin’ Pines, apparently!

Robbie grumbled at the thought. It wasn’t enough that Dipper seemed to just be wherever the older boy was, but Wendy talked about the little tyke all the time. Always some comment about “how cool the knew kid was”, or “how smart he was”, or “hey Robbie, did I mention he managed to kill ghosts? Let me remind you about that for the millionth time”. Robbie knew that there was no way Wendy would actually date a literal child, but he couldn’t help the surge of jealousy that he felt whenever Wendy brought the kid up.

In another circumstance, Robbie would’ve been looking forward to this fight. He’d give the other guy a bruise or two and his opponent would wimp out. But Dipper was serious business. Robbie could tell the kid had been waiting for an excuse to fight, but he couldn’t turn the challenge down, or he’d be known as the guy too scared to fight a preteen.

‘ _ So now I’ll be known as the guy who got beat up by a preteen… _ ’ Robbie thought dejectedly. ‘ _ Great… _ ’

And Dipper just had to tack on that bet to the whole thing. He knew Robbie couldn’t refuse, and would use the win to keep him away from Wendy. He could try to go back on the deal, but he figured that would just lead to more pain on his part. So yeah, his options seemed pretty bleak.

Robbie moved to put another coin in the game, aiming to pass the time before his inevitable embarrassment, when he dropped the quarter. The boy grunted in frustration as he reached down after the coin as it rolled around the game machine. But as he grabbed the quarter, Robbie saw something scratched into the side of the machine. A message that said, “To unleash ultimate power: back, back, punch, punch, forward, back, forward, down, kick, kick, quarter circle forward, triple punch, kick”.

‘ _ If it helps me beat this stupid game… _ ’ Robbie thought with a shrug as he input the cheat code.

The screen flashed for a bit, before the machine shut down.

Robbie scowled. Was everything going to blow up in his face today? But then the screen came back on, glowing so brightly it was hard to look at.

“What the-?”

“ **Select your character!** ” the game interrupted.

“Uhhh…” Robbie mumbled. “Rumble McSomething?”

At the the statement, the machine began to shake violently, and with some suitably retro sound effects, a figure emerged from the screen.

A pixelated figure.

Robbie let out a surprise shriek as Rumble McSkirmish crashed down in a perfect superhero landing before.

“Woah, woah!” Robbie cried out. “Wh-What are you!?!”

“Greetings, child-boy!” the living sprite said. “I am Rumble McSkirmish, from the U.S.A! Punch! Kick! Punch! Kick!”

“Ah!” Robbie exclaimed as he ducked out of the way of the attacks. “Watch it!”

“Now I must defeat the world’s greatest fight-fighters!” Rumble declared. “Take me to the Soviet Union!”

Robbie was about to tell the guy off that there was no way he would drive the sprite man to Cuba, but then a thought occurred to him. Sure, he didn’t understand what was going on AT ALL, but Robbie realized he had an opportunity. One too good to pass up on.

“I can’t do that,” Robbie told Rumble. “But there’s a fighter here in town that would be perfect for you.”

“Excellent!” Rumble exclaimed. “Who is this person!?”

Robbie smirked.

 

**_… retaL, ta elcriC kraP…_ **

 

Dipper threw a few quick practice jabs and hopped around a bit on the balls of his feet to loosen up. He cracked his neck and shook out his shoulders, before checking his watch. Five minutes past three. Robbie was late. Could he actually be bailing? That  _ would _ prove that he was too scared of Dipper to do anything, but certainly wouldn’t be as fun.

Dipper’s concerns about missing out on a good time were alleviated as Robbie walked over to the park, hood pulled over his head and hands in his pockets. Dipper’s eyebrow quirked at Robbie confident smirk. He didn’t seem nervous at all. Either the older boy really was delusional, or he had some trick up his sleeve.

“Look who decided to show up,” Dipper said, maintaining his constantly bored look. “I thought you were chickening out. You ready this time?”

“Oh,” Robie said, eager to begin, “I’m ready. C’mon out, man!”

Dipper watched in surprise as a pixelated Rumble McSkirmish emerged from behind a tree, bouncing back and forth in his idle animation.

Well.

Dipper hadn’t expected  _ that _ .

“So that’s why those games were discontinued,” Dipper muttered to himself.

“Is this the one who killed your father!?” Rumble asked, pointing at Dipper.

The smaller boy raised an eyebrow. “I what now?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Robbie answered with a nod.

“Then you shall pay, tiny murder-child!” Rumble declared.

“Oh…” Dipper said, before looking at Robbie. “I hate you.”

“Gragh!” Rumble roared as a wave of pixels washed over reality for a moment.

Dipper blinked as he looked around. Nothing seemed to have changed, except when he looked up, Dipper saw that two pixelated health bars were suspended in the air. One for Rumble, and one for himself.

“ **Fight!** ” the voice of the game announcer rang out.

“Punch!” Rumble shouted as he threw a fist forward. “Punch, punch! Kick!”

Dipper managed to dodge Rumble’s attacks, with the kick getting a little too close for comfort. Dipper jumped back a few steps, letting Rumble follow him. When the pixel fighter threw another punch, Dipper tucked his arms in front of his face, peekaboo style (yes, that’s a thing), and weaved under his opponent’s arm. The smaller boy managed to land a powerful shovel hook to Rumble’s abdomen.

“Gah!” Dipper exclaimed as he jumped back.

His fist was scratched up, with various fine cuts on his knuckles. Turns out that real life pixels were fairly sharp. Good to know.

Dipper glance up at the life bars. Rumble’s life had only gone down 1.5%. Well, that wasn’t a good sign. What was worse, was that Dipper’s life bar had gone down 3%, apparently from the damage he got from punching Rumble.

‘ _ This bodes poorly, _ ’ Dipper thought as he pulled his arms back into a block.

“Ha ha!” Rumble gloated. “You fight like a girl! Who is also a baby!”

Dipper grumbled. He wasn’t often insulted on his fighting abilities. But then again, he didn’t often cut his hand just by punching someone.

“I didn’t kill his dad!” Dipper shouted.

“You are a liar!” Rumble retorted. “Because your pants are on fire!”

“Wha-?”

“Fireball!”

Dipper jumped to the side as Rumble shot out a fireball attack. The pyro blast exploded when it reach where Dipper had been. The blast knock the smaller boy off of his feet, and he fell flat on his stomach. Before Dipper could get up, Rumble was on him, grabbing by his jacket collar and lifting him off of the ground.

“I will defeat you!” Rumble said. “For my father!”

“ _ Your _ fath-EEEEEEEER!?!?!?!?!” Dipper asked as he was tossed up into the air.

Dipper tried to right himself as he fell, but when he looked down he saw Rumble glowing. Dipper recognized what was about to happen, and braced himself. Just before the boy landed, Rumble’s eyes flashed dramatically, and he unleashed his ultimate attack.

“ _ SUPER POWER NINJA TURBO NEO ULTRA HYPER MEGA MULTI ALPHA META EXTRA UBER PREFIX! _ **_COMBO!!!_ ** ”

After numerous, brutal punches, a fist-shaped atomic pixel explosion ripped through the area. Dipper went flying through the trees, smoked and battered from the assault.

“Ha ha ha!” Rumble laughed. “I have defeated the murder child!”

Robbie’s eyes were wide at the sight, and he thought for the first time that he  _ may  _ have gone a bit overboard with this. However, Robbie’s shock soon grew as he looked up at the health bars.

“No way…” Robbie muttered, disbelief evident.

“Hm!?” Rumble grunted, before looking at the bars. “Ah! Gasp!”

Dipper’s health bar was at 4%. Low, but not out.

“My enemy is not yet beaten!?” Rumble exclaimed in shock. “Most impressive!”

With that Rumble walked into the woods after his enemy, wishing that he had a running animation.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

‘ _ Ow, _ ’ Dipper thought as he hit another tree branch. ‘ _ Ow. Ow. _ ’

Eventually he stopped flying and crashed into the dirt. But the force that had pushed him was so strong that he kept moving, tumbling and rolling over himself.

‘ _ Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow- _ ’

Dipper eventually came to an abrupt stop by colliding with a wooden post, his back impacting the structure. There the boy sat, resting against his impromptu crash pad.

“ _... Ow… _ ” the boy wheezed out.

Dipper rested his head back against the post, and looked up. It was the Gravity Falls water tower. Wow, he had really flown. Considering how far he’d gone, he was honestly surprised he wasn’t more beat up. It didn’t even feel like he broke anything. Though he was pretty sure he’d have some gnarly-looking bruises on his chest for a while. But all in all, aside from a what was probably another slight concussion (he’d JUST gotten rid of the last one), he felt relatively okay. He just needed a moment to right himself…

Dipper slowly rose to his feet, resting against the water tower for support. He breathed in and out, wincing at the pain in his chest. He should definitely at least have a few broken ribs, yet nothing. He glanced up and saw his health bar. Somehow he had a smidgen of health left. Maybe that was why? As long as he still had health he couldn’t get so injured that he couldn’t fight? Video game logic at its finest.

Of course, he was so distracted with this health conundrum, it took him a few seconds to realize Rumble was standing directly in front of him.

“... Crap,” Dipper said.

“Punch!” Rumble exclaimed as his fist shot right at the smaller boy.

Dipper dive-rolled out of the way just in time. The attack missed its intended target, hit the wooden support pillar, cracking it. The entire structure shook, wobbling back and forth before stopping at an uneven lean. Rumble turned to face Dipper, and the two glared at each other, when-

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

Mabel fell out of the sky, crashing into Rumble’s head with her feet. The impact took the force out of her fall, and she had a relatively short tumble to the ground.

“Uuuh…” Mabel groaned, before shaking her head. “What the what?”

“ **A new challenger approaches!** ” the game announcer declared.

“A new what now?” Mabel said as she looked up.

She saw a few unexpected things. Health bars floating in the air, one with her name on it, an angry pixel man, and an angry pixel fist flying at her. 

Mabel grunted as the punch connected with and sent her rolling back along the ground. Her health bar went down to 89%, and she saw Rumble’s health was at 92.5%. She jumped to her feet and saw Dipper standing next to her, very bruised.

“What is it this time?” Mabel asked.

“Robbie brought Bootleg Ryu here to life and told him I killed Robbie’s father,” Dipper explained. “So he’s been trying to-”

At that the two had to jump out of the way as a fireball attack shot at them.

“That!” Dipper yelled as the two were split up. “So what’s been up with you?!”

“Oh, you know!” Mabel shouted as she ran behind Rumble. “Found out Stan has a secret fear of heights! Took him up to the top of the water tower to cure him!”

“Did it work?!” Dipper shouted back as he ducked under a punch combo and rolled to the side to avoid a kick.

“Well, I think I have a fear of heights now!” Mabel responded as she swung a hard roundhouse kick into Rumble’s side. “So- ARGH!”

Mabel hissed in pain as she pulled her leg back. The leg of her workout leggings was slightly ripped up, and her skin stung with fresh cuts.

“Oh yeah,” Dipper called, “his pixels are sharp!”

“Gee, thanks for the heads up, Bro!” Mabel responded sarcastically as she jumped out of the way of a back kick.

Dipper glanced at the health bars. Rumble was only at 91%, while Mabel was down to 86%.

“Just hitting him hurts us more than him!” Dipper shouted at his sister.

“Yes!” Rumble exclaimed. “Because you are children! Who are also scrawny! Ha ha ha!”

“We sure this guy’s a hero?!” Mabel yelled.

“More important problems, Mabel!” Dipper responded.

“Fist Punch Rain!” Rumble shouted.

“What rai- Ow!” Mabel grunted as she was interrupted by a purple pixel fist falling from the sky and hitting her in the head.

“Special attack!” Dipper shouted. “Dodge!”

The twins jumped, rolled, skipped, spun, and even cartwheeled (guess who did that one) out of the way of the punches raining down from the sky. Mabel’s health was down to 76%, but thanks to their dodging, the twins managed to avoid their health getting lower. However, as Mabel did a backhandspring to avoid several of the attacks, she had an idea.

“Dipper!” she yelled. “This is a fighting game, right?!”

“Kind of?!” Dipper responded, diving under a fist. “Why?!”

Mabel stopped moving as the special attack ended. She looked down and grinned, before putting her hands together, palms facing Rumble. Dipper looked at her like she was crazy, but his doubts vanished as Mabel thrust her arms forward.

“Hadouken!” the girl shouted.

A blue pixelated energy ball shot out of her hands, zipped across the field they were in, and hit Rumble square in the chest.

“UGH!” Rumble grunted as he was knocked back, his health dropping from 91% to 76%.

“Nice!” Mabel exclaimed with a fist pump, before turning to her brother. “Video game rules! We have special attacks! Check the bottom of the screen!”

Dipper looked down at the ground and saw that there was indeed a special meter close to him. It was fairly full, probably from the beating he’d received.

He smirked.

Payback time.

Rumble looked up, recovering from his surprise hit, and saw Dipper running at him.

“Pu-!” Rumble shouted, about to throw out his fist, when he was interrupted.

“Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!” Dipper shouted, jumping into the air.

With one leg sticking out, the smaller boy did a spinning helicopter kick that hit Rumble in the face repeatedly. The Fight-Fighter stumbled back, preparing to retaliate, when he saw Mabel dashing straight at him from his other side. She jump up and actually grabbed her own health bar, which Rumble was sure she wasn’t supposed to be able to do.

“Health bar in your face!” Mabel shouted as she, well, used her health bar to hit Rumble in his face.

Mabel tossed her health bar back into the air before landing. When she did touch down, she picked her special meter off of the ground.

“Feel the  _ love _ of the Hyper Combo!” she exclaimed, hit Rumble with the meter, before winding up for another swing. “And it’s a hoooooooome run!”

Rumble skidded back from the strikes, before wobbling in place with a few birds circling his head.

‘ _ Never have I been more thankful for stun mechanics, _ ’ Dipper thought as he busted out the most devastating super move he knew.

Dipper stood on one leg, tucking his raised leg up to his chest. He had one arm up to his chest, but left his other tensed by his side, fist curled up next to his raised knee. Dipper let out a quiet breath.

“ **Raging Demon.** ”

At that, Dipper slid across the the field on his one foot, leaving blue afterimages in his wake. When he reached the stunned Rumble, the entire area went dark. Mabel saw various flashes, and heard the sound of numerous, lightning fast strikes. A mere moment was all it took for the attack to end. When the light came back, Dipper was standing over a downed Rumble, back to his sister and head peeking over his left shoulder.

‘ _ I’ve always wanted to do that, _ ’ Dipper thought.

“That was kinda evil, Broseph,” Mabel said as she walked up next to him. “Don’t ya think?”

“Says the girl who just used Deadpool’s Hyper Combo,” Dipper deadpanned.

“It was the only one I knew…” Mabel mumbled out her excuse.

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Memelord.”

The twins watch as Rumble slow rose, leaning on a nearby tree for support. His health was all the way down to 0.5%, and he looked pretty bad.

“This is most dishonorable!” Rumble huffed out. “I demand you fight me one-on-one!”

Dipper glared at the pixel man with a stare that could’ve made flowers wither.

“... May I please fight you each one-on-one…?” Rumble tried again, more polite this time.

Mabel thought about it for a moment, and smirked.

“Sure-you-can,” she said with a mischievous look.

“Oh!” Rumble exclaimed, surprised. “Thank you, most honorable chil-!”

Rumble was interrupted by a flaming uppercut to his jaw from Mabel. Rumble came crashing to the ground, health reduced to zero, and Mabel landed lightly on her feet. With a ripple, Rumble began disintegrating into pixels. After one last sound effect, Rumble vanished, and the words “Game Over” appeared in the air for a moment before they too went back from where they came.

Dipper breathed out a sigh of relief. He looked at his sister, satisfied with their accomplishment, when…

“Sure-you-can,” Mabel said. “Shoryuken. Sure-you-can. Shoryuken. Sure-you-can. Shoryuk-”

“We get it, Mabel,” Dipper interrupted.

“Heh heh…” the girl chuckled. “Wordplay…”

Dipper rolled his eyes.

“Is he gone?”

Both twins turned and saw Robbie nervously poking his head out from behind a tree. His eyes were darting around the field, checking for any signs of pixels. He was so busy for looking for the violent video game man, he didn’t notice Dipper storming over to him.

“ **_You,_ ** ” Dipper growled as he grabbed Robbie by his hoodie collar, “ **have exactly ten seconds to give a halfway decent excuse for what you just pulled.** ”

“H-Hey, c’mon man!” Robbie stuttered, terrified. “I-I just wanted him to scare you! I didn’t think he’d try to kill you!”

“That’s ten,” Dipper said, still gripping Robbie. “Not impressed.”

“Dude, that may as well be Robbie’s catchphrase.”

Both guys turned and saw Wendy walking up to them. Dipper immediately released his hold on Robbie’s hoodie and took a step back.

“Hey guys!” Wendy greeted happily. “I heard some crazy screaming. What the heck happened here? Freak tornado or something?”

Robbie let out a nervous laugh. “Y-Yeah, something like that…”

Wendy’s easy expression suddenly turned to one of concern. “Hey Dipper, I thought your shiner was doing better, but it looks worse.”

Robbie’s eyes went wide, and he took a nervous gulp.

“... Yeah, and you’ve got new bruises,” Wendy noted. “What happened?”

It was at that moment she realized Robbie looked incredibly uncomfortable with the situation, and that Mabel was shooting the older boy a glare.

“Wait a minute,” Wendy said, a frown forming, “you guys weren’t fighting each other, were you?”

“What?!” Robbie choked out, trying not to sound guilty. “N-N-No, of course not! I, uh, I know how much you hate it when guys fight!”

Dipper glared at Robbie. ‘ _ Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be, huh? Not on my watch, Valentino… _ ’

“Then how did Dipper’s face get so jacked up?” Wendy asked, crossing her arms in suspicion.

“I didn’t get the bruises fighting him,” Dipper said, to the momentary relief of Robbie. “... They were from the guy Robbie got to fight me.”

Robbie’s relieved looked instantly morphed into one of shock.

“What!?!” Wendy exclaimed, rounding on the panicking older boy.

“That’s not true!” Robbie insisted. “H-He smashed my phone and challenged me to a fight! I’m the victim here!”

“The guy brought Rumble McSkirmish out of the arcade game and sicced him on me and my sister,” Dipper countered pointedly.

“I fell off the water tower!” Mabel interject in a cutesy tone, happily watching Robbie squirm.

“Oh come on!” Robbie said with a pleading look to Wendy. “You aren’t actually falling for this, right?”

“Robbie,” Wendy said angrily, “I’m not an idiot. Or blind. There’s flaming pixels all over the place.”

Robbie looked around, and realized that there were in fact various patches of very video game-y fire around them.

“Oh…” he mumbled. “Um, I can explai-”

“He can’t,” Dipper and Mabel interrupted simultaneously.

“ **_Robbie…_ ** ” Wendy breathed, fury evident. “I always knew you were kind of a jerk, but this is like,  _ SEVERAL _ steps too far.”

“That little kid’s a psycho!” Robbie exclaimed, getting angry himself. “He’s out get me so he can-!”

“ **NO!** ” Wendy shouted firmly. “No more excuses! Ever since you two met you’ve had it out for him! Don’t think I didn’t notice you singling him out at the Dusk 2 Dawn! I didn’t say anything ‘cause I THOUGHT you’d grow up! But I guess I was wrong!”

“I can’t believe you’re choosing that little twerp over me!” Robbie yelled. “I’ve been your friend for YEARS, but-!”

“Oh!” Wendy interrupted. “So what, that gives you a free pass to be a complete A-hole to everyone else? Am I just not allowed to have new friends, is that it?”

“N-No!” Robbie stammered, taken aback by Wendy’s outburst. “I just-”

“Save it,” Wendy cut in. “I let the thing at the fair slide since it was mostly my fault, but this… I don’t know what your problem is, but if you can’t handle me not wanting to spend every waking second with you, then just… Just go.”

Robbie blinked, a look of slow comprehension coming over him as he processed Wendy’s words. “Wait, you don’t mean ‘forever’, right?”

Wendy looked away, but her voice remained firm. “Robbie. Leave.  **Now.** ”

Wordlessly, Robbie walked off, not even having the energy to shoot Dipper a glare as he left. Mabel stuck her tongue out at the older boy, satisfied by the telling-off he’d received. Dipper however, was looking at Wendy with concern. The redhead looked to be a painful cross between angry, sad, and guilty. As much as he enjoyed Robbie being told to hit the road, a part of him hurt to see Wendy so upset.

“Wendy…?” Dipper said, voice soft.

“I’m fine,” Wendy spoke, a tad harsher than she’d intended. “I just… I need some time. To think about this. I’ll, uh… I’ll see you both later.”

With that, Wendy walked off. Dipper watched, saddened by the sight. He made Wendy have a fight with one of her oldest friends. Sure, he was no fan of Robbie, but… had he gone too far? Meddled in something he shouldn’t have?

Mabel seemed to sense his unease with his actions, and gave him a reassuring smile and pat on the shoulder. In silence the two walked back to the Shack.

Dipper hoped he had made the right call.

 

**25-1-22-11-24   25-19-7-25-14   8-24-21-25   15-25   0-14-11   8-11-25-0   12-15-13-14-0-15-20-13   13-7-19-11.   9-21-19-11   7-0   19-11.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I start these end notes proper, allow me to thank everyone that got this story to 51 kudos. I don't know if this is impressive by this site's standards, and I don't really care. The fact that even 51 people like this niche story for a finished show is amazing to me, and I genuinely appreciate you all. And if you're reading and liking this story, but haven't left a Kudos, I appreciate you too.
> 
> Now that that sap is out of the way... Yeah, I know, I said this one would be out on time. But life happened. At least it's only a day late this time.  
> But yeah, this chapter. There's a bit of an interesting story to this one. So, originally, I wasn't going to do a Fight Fighters chapter. I know, crazy talk, right? But I just couldn't come up with a good premise for the chapter. The whole point of the episode is Dipper learning not to run away from his problems, but this Dipper doesn't really have that issue. My sister had actually suggested the idea of Robbie unlocking Rumble, and using him to fight Dipper, but I initially didn't want to do it. It seemed weird to have Robbie have a direct encounter with Gravity Falls weirdness like that, it's more Dipper's thing. So I was going to skip this episode entirely. But there was some disappointment I received for not doing the clone fight in Double Dipper (mostly from my editor). I didn't want a repeat of that, so I decided to figure out a good way to make this part of the story work.
> 
> Let this show, your feedback can impact how this story progresses. Keep that in mind for those end notes that ask about what you would like to see in future chapters. I do take those into consideration.
> 
> I think the ending made the whole thing work, but I'm still not completely satisfied with Robbie finding Rumble. It's probably not that big a deal, really. Let me know what you guys think; is my sister a genius? Yay or nay?  
> But other than that... Not much else to say about this chapter. Well, there was that whole Wendy explosion at the end, but I'm still not allowed to talk about if there will be any ships in this story, so...  
> I guess that's it for now. Please leave any likes, dislikes, or questions you may have about the story in the comments. I love reading them, I appreciate any feedback I can use to hone my skills. Thank you all so much for reading, and have a great day.
> 
> Sincerely, some loser who thinks fedoras are cool.


	13. Marco!

Summer is a fun time. No school, all kinds of fun events, family visits, cook outs, big movies. There are no shortages of fun things to do in the summertime. No limits to the adventures that can be had.

Unless it’s hot enough to cook on the sidewalk.

This was the situation that led to Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Stan all lounging around in the Shack. Various moans and groans of discomfort could be heard from each as felt themselves melting into puddles. Or perhaps that was heat-induced delirium. It was hard to tell at that point.

“Watch out, Gravity Falls,” came Toby Determined’s voice over the radio, “because at a record 110 degrees, we’re looking at the hottest day of the summer!”

“You don’t say…” Dipper grumbled.

“All in favor of doing nothing all day, say ‘ugh’...” Mabel said raggedly.

“Ugh…” the guys responded.

At that moment Waddles, who was apparently the only one not bothered by the excessive heat, walked up to Stan. The old man on the floor grimaced as Waddles got in his face.

“I’m gonna throw this pig out of the house!” Stan declared frustratedly.

In response, Waddles simply oinked and began licking Stan’s face.

“... You called my bluff, pig,” Stan conceded, resigning himself to his fate.

“On the bright side,” Toby continued on the radio, “pun very much intended, it’s opening week at the Gravity Falls Pool.”

“Gravity Falls Pool?” Dipper asked, wondering why they hadn’t heard about this before.

“Today?” Mabel asked, perking up instantly.

“Pun intended?” Soos asked, missing the point entirely.

“Quick!” Stan exclaimed. “To the car!”

The kids and Soos all shot up, eager for relief from the blazing heat. Stan on the other hand, found himself stuck to the floor, his skin apparently having fused to the wooden floor boards.

“Hey, kids, a little help here?” Stan asked.

Dipper rolled his eyes as he and Mabel pulled out their spatulas. ‘ _ Not again… _ ’

The disturbing details of what followed will not be provided, but after a lot of prying Stan finally came unstuck, with only a few floorboards on his back this time.

“Alright! Off to the pool!” Stan said as he walked outside.

“And remember to be on alert for random wildfires!” Toby said.

“Wait, what?” the twins heard their grunkle say, before they heard him catch fire. “ **AAAAH!!!** ”

“He’ll be fine,” Mabel said.

Dipper facepalmed.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

The Pines family, plus Soos, walked into the pool area relief growing at the sight of water that wasn’t boiling. Mabel smiled widely at the amazing sight of the perfectly average and overcrowded pool. Meanwhile, Dipper looked at the same sight and scowled. There were SO MANY PEOPLE. It was understandable given the temperature, but it didn’t mean he had to like it.

Still, Dipper considered, even he wasn’t going to complain too much about a chance to cool off. And spending a day without a shirt on could help him look less pasty. He just hoped no one peed in the water.

“Ah, the pool!” Mabel said as she took in a deep breath, smelling the chlorine in the air. “A sparkling oasis of summer enchantment!”

“Yeah, nothing like sitting in a moist tub with strangers,” Stan said. “It’s like the bus, but wet.”

Mabel suddenly noticed for the first time the image on Soos’ towel. “Why would a sun need to wear sunglasses?”

“It’s best not to think about it,” Soos responded sagely.

Dipper decided he would do just that from then on.

“Whoa, whoa! Stop the presses!” Mabel exclaimed. “Who’s that?”

The group looked across the pool, and saw an oddly attractive kid resting near the edge. He had olive skin, long and flowing brown hair, and a floating raft obscuring his lower body.

“Oh, yeah,” Soos said while munching some corn chips. “Word is, dude never leaves the pool. People say he’s a ‘Mysterious Loner’.”

“Soos, where did you get that info if the pool just opened today?” Dipper asked.

“My wisdom is mysterious as it is vast,” Soos answered sagely.

“That literally didn’t answer anything,” Dipper responded flatly.

“Don’t question the Soos, Bro!” Mabel said as she gave her brother a playful jab. “He says ‘Mysterious Loner,’ I say ‘bring the heat!’”

Dipper cringed.

“Do we really need any more heat?” Grunkle Stan grumbled.

“You are clearly enamored,” Soos said, giving Mabel a pat on the shoulder. “Go to him.”

At that, Mabel took off across the pool running straight to her new crush, and majestically tripping over various pool supplies and people along the way.

“It’s so beautiful!” Soos said, tearing up.

Dipper scoffed. He knew Mabel well enough to know how this would end. Every time she developed a crush she’d be all enthusiasm, no tact. She’d come on too strong and freak the other person out, while at the same time having no idea herself what to do or how to react to things. She’d never even kissed a guy before, and he knew she’d freak out the first time she’d try. Then again, Dipper wasn’t having any better luck in the dating department, so what did he know?

“Oi,” Stan said as he saw Mabel collide with a basket of beach balls, knocking over everything. “Women.”

As if prompted by the universe itself, Stan immediately got hit right in the face by a water balloon.

“Hey, Mr. Pines!”

The trio of guys looked up and saw Wendy sitting in the elevated lifeguard chair with a bucket of water balloons in hand. She also happened to be wearing a red one-piece swimsuit that Dipper squarely refused to look at for fear of a massive blush overtaking his face.

“Wendy?” Stan said, spitting the water out of his mouth. “Where’s the lifeguard?”

“I am the lifeguard,” Wendy said as she held up the whistle hanging around her neck. “I make the rules, sucka! Boosh!”

Wendy threw another balloon at Stan, which the old man narrowly ducked under.

“Aah!” Stan cried. “She’s attacking me with water!”

Soos and Wendy laughed, while Dipper cracked a smile.

“You work here?” the younger boy asked.

“I found out lifeguards get free snack privileges,” Wendy explained, before gesturing to the whole pool. “Plus, I get the best seat in the house.”

Dipper nodded, thinking to himself that the sight of a bunch or random out of shape people flailing aimlessly in a body of water didn’t seem like much of a view. Still, he DEFINITELY didn’t vocalize those thoughts. After Wendy and Robbie’s falling out, Dipper wasn’t really sure where he stood with the redhead. As much as he was certain that less Robbie was better for everyone, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d made a mistake, coming between old friends like he had.

“So…” Dipper said, trying to come up with a good conversation topic now that Stan and Soos were leaving. “You… wanna go chuck more water balloons at Grunkle Stan?”

“I’d love to,” Wendy said, “but I gotta spend the day doing tryouts. We’re looking for a new assistant lifeguard.”

That gave Dipper an idea.

“What if I was the assistant lifeguard?” he asked hesitantly, trying to gauge the girl’s reaction to the suggestion.

“That would be so much fun!” Wendy responded with her usual enthusiasm. “You’re totally in, dude!”

The redhead tossed a rescue can at Dipper, and the boy caught it with a grin. So Wendy not only wasn’t opposed to the idea of spending a bunch of time with him, but seemed to really like the idea. That was a good sign, right?

“You just have to check in with my boss first,” Wendy said. “Mr. Poolcheck.”

Dipper quirked an eyebrow. “Your boss?”

Wendy pointed to the side of the pool, and Dipper saw an incredibly muscular man drop and do push ups, first with his hands and then on only his pointer fingers. With almost robotic movement (Dipper hoped he wasn’t a robot), Poolcheck turned his head and looked at Dipper with an unnecessarily intense look.

‘ _ Well, _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ That’s worrying. _ ’

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

  
The “Mysterious Loner” was more than a little surprised by the random girl he’d never met exploding out from the water directly in front of him.

“Wow!” Mabel exclaimed, gasping for breath. “Oh my gosh, how crazy bumping into you even though we don’t know each other!”

The loner looked at the girl quizzically. “... How long have you been underwater?”

“That doesn’t matter!” Mabel said, before quickly coughing up a band aid. “... So, hey! My name’s Mabel.”

“Hola,” mystery boy greeted.

“Whoa!” Mabel said, eye wide. “Are you Australian?”

Despite himself, and his situation, the loner laughed. “I am charmed by your sense of humor. And your bold lack of water-wings!”

Mabel gave her own laugh. “You’re so funny! And your hair is beautiful…”

“No, no,” the loner said, discouraged. “It has silly tangles!”

Mabel smiled wide. “Mind if I…?”

She pulled out a comb (don’t ask where from, you don’t want to know), and started brushing the boy’s long hair.

“Why, Mabel. You are so forward,” he said with a chuckle.

‘ _ This is it! _ ’ Mabel thought, excited. ‘ _ He likes you! Go for it, Mabel! It’s time! Ask him out on a date! _ ’

“So, hey, you wanna go dry off?” Mabel asked, trying her best to sound casual. “Maybe hit the snack bar or-?”

“I-I’m afraid I cannot!” the loner said, suddenly seeming very uncomfortable. “For I have a terrible secret! I must go.”

And like that, he swam off, leaving Mabel alone in her sequestered corner of the pool.

“I’m upset…” the girl said, before perking up a bit. “Yet intrigued!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, htiw reppiD dna kcehclooP…_ **

 

“And that is why I think I’d make a good lifeguard assistant,” Dipper said, finishing up his speech.

“Hmm…” Poolcheck hummed.

The head lifeguard bent down and took a good whiff in front of Dipper’s face. The boy tried really hard not to show just how weirded-out he was.

“SPF 100,” Poolcheck commented as he stood back up. “Good. I like you. But this isn’t an easy job. It’s anarchy out there.”

Dipper looked across the pretty chill pool. “I think I can handle it.”

“Can you handle this?!” Poolcheck exclaimed.

With one smooth motion, Poolcheck yanked off his apparently prosthetic hand. Dipper eyed the fake appendage warily, now even more convinced that the lifeguard was actually a robot.

“I lost my hand to a pool filter!” Poolcheck said intensely. “The pool may seem friendly, but she can turn on you in an instant! Which is why you must respect her rules! Do you think you have what it takes, boy? Do you?!”

Dipper glanced over Poolcheck’s shoulder, and saw Wendy giving him a thumbs up.

“Sure. I guess,” Dipper said. “I’ve handled crazy things before.”

Poolcheck eyed the boy for a moment. “I believe you.

Dipper looked confused. “You what? Really? Just like that?”

Poolcheck nodded. “You have this look in your eyes. Like someone who has seen things. Dangerous things.”

Just like that, Poolcheck put a whistle around Dipper’s neck.

“Welcome to the deep end, son,” the lifeguard said.

“Thank you-”

Dipper’s response was cut off by Poolcheck grabbing him in a vice-like hug.

‘ _ I may not have thought this through… _ ’ Dipper thought as the air was squeezed from his lungs.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“There she is, Soos,” Stan said as he gestured to his favorite seat at the pool. “Equidistant from the snack bar and the bathroom. Just the right amount of sun and shade. And pointed away from where Old Man McGucket lotions himself. The perfect lawn chair.”

The chair shimmered in the sunlight, almost glowing like some kind of ancient treasure.

“The legends that you told me in the car were true…” Soos marveled.

“I just can’t believe it wasn’t already taken,” Stan said (apparently never having heard what a “jinx” is). “And now to sit on it, thereby claiming it as my own.”

Stan sat on the edge of the chair, feeling the familiar give. But before he could lean back into the seat, he felt a small foot press into the middle of his back.

“What!?!” the old man exclaimed.

Stan quickly turned his head, and saw sitting in the seat behind him, none other than Gideon Gleeful.

“Why, hello Stanford,” Gideon said, and innocent smile on his face.

“Gideon!” Stan shouted. “Get outta my chair, kid!”

“Oh my, was this your chair?” the boy asked, clearly feigning surprise. “I had no idea.”

Gideon glanced around, as if checking to ensure no one was in earshot when he knew full well that no one was.

He leaned forward and whispered, “Yes I did, Stan. I knew.”

“Move it, you little troll!” Stan growled.

“First come, first served!” Gideon giggled.

“I’ll first serve you!” Stan exclaimed, picking Gideon up by the fat of his neck.

Suddenly, a whistle blew, and before Stan knew it, he was locked into an area with a wire mesh gate.

“Wh-What just-!?!” Stan sputtered.

“Fighting lands you in pool jail, Stan.”

Stan looked and saw Wendy standing just outside the gate, twirling her whistle in her hand.

“Come on, Wendy!” Stan begged. “You can’t do this to an old man!”

“Sorry, Stan, it’s not up to me,” Wendy said, before chuckling. “Actually, it is.”

“Hey, Wendy,” Dipper said as he strolled up to the redhead in his new lifeguard shirt. “I got the job.”

“Sweet!” Wendy said with a playful grin. “Wanna go abuse our power?”

Dipper frowned. “And if Poolcheck catches us? He seems… emotionally unstable.”

Each looked and saw Poolcheck doing sit-ups on the chain-link fence.

“... Nah, don’t worry, man,” Wendy said. “You just gotta be sneaky about your rule-breaking. Race you to the no running sign!”

Dipper hesitantly ran after Wendy, keeping his eyes on Poolcheck the whole time.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Mystery boy should probably get used to people randomly popping up from the water right next to him.

Once again, Mabel exploded out of the water as she finally made it next to the loner. “Hey there!”

Mystery boy let out a startled scream.

“I brought you a sandwich,” Mabel said, setting the food on the loner’s inflatable raft. “It’s sort of wet, but it’s still good. Blop.”

The boy eyed the very soggy sandwich with hunger. Or maybe it was disgust?

“I like sharing things. Sandwiches, secrets.” Mabel suddenly leaned into mystery boy’s face and whispered, “Share your secret, beautiful stranger.”

“That wet sandwich does look delicious…” Mystery Boy said hesitantly. “Oh, very well. But you must never tell another living soul my terrible secret.”

Mabel nodded, practically vibrating with nervous anticipation.

“You have to stay away from me,” the boy said, “because I am…”

He pushed his inflatable raft out of the way, for the first time providing an unobstructed view of lower body. What Mabel saw was not a speedo as she had hoped, or even swim trunks.

Or legs.

“… A Merman,” the boy finished.

Mabel blinked.

And again.

“Oh, thank goodness,” she said, relieved. “I thought you were gonna say you had a girlfriend!”

It was safe to say Mermando hadn’t seen that reaction coming.

“A Merman…” Mabel said as she marveled at the boy’s blue-green fish tail. “Ha! I should have known from your strange foreign fish language.”

“... It is Spanish,” the Merman said, unable to tell if Mabel was joking.

“Your voice is so deep and masculine…” Mabel said, suddenly remembering the issue Dipper was having with his crush. “How old are you?”

“I am twelve years old,” the boy said, much to Mabel’s relief. “Merman’s voices change when we are, like, three.”

Mabel hummed, trying not to picture a three year old merman with a very attractive voice. “So what’s your name?”

“There are some who call me…” the boy said as he suddenly pulled out an acoustic guitar (you know what? I’m not even going to ask) and played a dramatic chord. “Mermando! This is because Mermando is my name.”

“That makes sense,” Mabel said with a nod. “But I don’t understand Mermando. What’s a guy like you doing in a public pool?”

“It is a tragic story, Mabel,” Mermando said, dramatically staring off into the distance, hair blowing in the wind. “I was swimming with my friends, the mighty dolphins, in the Gulf of Mexico, when I was ensnared! The cargo was headed for Gravity Falls. Using all my strength, I tried to escape back home, but it was not to be. I would have died of dehydration, were if not for the kindness of the forest animals. I was able to tumble my way down a hill, and landed in the pool. But now that you know what I am, you must be seriously weirded out.”

“What?” Mabel asked. “I don’t care that you’re a Merman. You’re, like, the coolest guy I’ve ever met. And you can play at least one chord on the guitar.”

“Oh, Mabel,” Mermando said, touched. “I have never met another human like you. Would you care to join me in a game of the Marco Polo?”

“Oh, yes, Mermando!” Mabel gushed as she wrapped the Merman in a powerful hug. “Yes!”

“ _... You are covering my gills… _ ” Mermando wheezed out. “ _... I cannot breathe… _ ”

Mabel instantly let go.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“My cheeks are baby soft!” Gideon giggled happily as he rubbed sunscreen on his face.

Stan glared at his arch-nemesis, watching from behind the raised lifeguarding chair.

“Look at him, that smug chair-stealing jerk!” Stan growled to himself. “But I can’t touch him, or the pool patrol will throw me in pool jail. Hmm…”

As Stan thought of various possible ways to get back at Gideon, he glanced down and noticed the sun reflecting off of his watch. Gaining an evil grin, Stan held the watch up, and maneuvered it around to focus the light right at Gideon.

“Yes!” Stan cackled. “Yes! Burn the child…”

Just as the concentrated beam of sunlight was about to hit Gideon’s face, the boy held up his swim goggles. The reflective lens caused the light to bounce back straight into Stan’s eyes. The old man let out a surprised cry of pain as he stumbled back and tripped into the pool.

With a smug and satisfied grin, Gideon put on his goggles. “Deal with it.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM..._ **

 

Soos was putting on an innertube with a duck on it, thinking Soos things. But what happened next changed his life forever.

“Soos.”

Soos perked up at the sound of his name, but didn’t see anyone trying to talk to him. Naturally coming to the only sane conclusion, he look down at the duck tube he was wearing and began talking to it.

“Inflatable duck guy, is that you?” the handyman asked.

“Yes, Soos, I can talk.”

“Oh my gosh, I knew you guys were secretly alive,” Soos said with a victorious fist pump. “I knew it!”

While Soos celebrated being right about Toy Story being real, Wendy and Dipper watched from around the corner of the pool supply building, megaphone in hand and laughing quietly. They playfully shushed each other, not wanting Soos to realize movies were fake, and Wendy used the megaphone again.

“My people have been enslaved, Soos,” the “duck” said. “You must free us.”

Soos looked inside the supply shack, seeing an entire stack of duck tubes. “The inflatable pool duck revolution is at hand.”

Dipper and Wendy tried desperately to stifle their laughing.

“Oh man, I can’t believe he bought that!” Wendy chuckled.

“To be fair,” Dipper said, “Weirder stuff has happened. “Ghosts, Gnomes, living video gam-”

Dipper’s comment died in his throat as he saw Wendy’s face fall at the mention of Rumble McSkirmish.

“... Sorry,” Dipper spoke. “I know we’ve kinda been ignoring the elephant in the room, and if you don’t want to talk about it that’s cool, but… Are you two okay?”

“Funny question coming from you,” Wendy muttered, before her eyes widened in surprise. “Sorry man, that came out harsher than I meant. I just… Look, I know you two didn’t get along. I’d kind of hoped you guys could work things out eventually, but I guess that wasn’t going to happen.”

“... Yeah,” Dipper admitted. “But that didn’t really answer the question. Are you two okay?”

“Nope,” Wendy said bluntly. “And I don’t really want us to be. After I left I thought a lot about my friendship with Robbie, and… I had to ask myself why I was even friends with the guy. He was always so self absorbed. If the conversation wasn’t about him or his ‘sick guitar skills’ he didn’t care. And he’s always been a tool, but it was never to someone I liked before, so I guess I never realized just how big a jerk he was.”

Dipper knew what he had to say, but he really didn’t want to. He really,  _ really _ didn’t. But it was the right thing to do.

“You…” Dipper started, pushing back his gag reflex. “You should give him a second chance. The thing with Rumble wasn’t that bad. Mabel and I have taken on worse before. I… I don’t think it’s a good idea to… cut yourself off from one of your oldest f-fr-friends because of…  _ one _ big screw up.”

Wendy looked at the boy, surprised, before letting out an amused snort. “Dude, that sounded excruciating.”

“You have no idea…” Dipper muttered. “Point still stands, though.”

“I know,” Wendy said with a nod. “And thanks. It means a lot to me that you’re trying to keep us friends even though we both know you can’t stand him. But this isn’t ‘your fault’ or anything. I think this has been a long time coming, and this was just the last straw. Heck, even Tambry’s been telling me for a long time that Robbie was a bad friend, I just never listened. You should have seen her social media when she found out I told him off. She wouldn’t stop posting  #toldyouso for like, two straight days.”

The two laughed a bit at that, and Dipper felt a lot of his built up tension leave him.

“So,” Dipper spoke, still a bit hesitant, “we’re good?”

Wendy smiled. “Yeah dude, we’re all good.”

The two shared a quick fist bump, before flinching as the sharp shrill of a whistle rang out across the pool.

“Pool’s closing!” Poolcheck announced as he drove around in a golf cart. “Clear out, everyone!”

“Poolcheck!” Dipper whispered.

“Hide!” Wendy whispered back.

The redhead darted around the supply shack, while Dipper walked out toward the pool, trying to look like he’d been patrolling the area.

“Assistant Lifeguard!”

Dipper stopped, grimacing. Had he been caught? He turned and saw Poolcheck driving up to him.

“Yes sir…?” Dipper asked, trying not to sound guilty.

To the boy’s surprise, the head lifeguard was smiling. Apparently Dipper was safe.

“Have a good night, son,” Poolcheck said, almost sounding proud. “Lock up the supplies for me.”

Poolcheck took off his hand and swatted it a few times. A ring of keys fell from a hole in the prosthetic, and Poolcheck handed them to Dipper.

‘ _ Well, that’s an image, _ ’ the boy thought.

Dipper nodded, and walked off to lock up.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Mermando watched the pool patrons exit with sadness. “The pool, she closes. Can I see you tonight?”

“Sure,” Mabel said. “Where? Wanna go for a walk?”

Mermando blinked. “Merman. I am a Merman.”

“Oh, right,” Mabel said, swatting herself on the forehead. “Duh. Then I’ll be back tonight.”

 

**_… retaL taht thgin…_ **

 

Mabel pulled up to the pool, driving the Mystery Shack golf cart. She brought a bag of things to show Mermando. She approached the chain link fence barring her from her new aquatic crush, and eyed her bag. It was over the shoulder, so climbing with it would be difficult. Deciding to make things easy on herself, she simply tossed the bag over. She had meant for the throw to be weak, as to not overshoot and land her things in the pool. Unfortunately, she put too little power into it, and the bag barely made it over. What’s more, on the way down it hit the pool skimmer resting on the fence, snapping the end off.

‘ _ Oops… _ ’ Mabel thought. ‘ _ What are the odds anyone will notice that? _ ’

Putting the accidental destruction of property out of her mind, she vaulted over the fence and landed next to her bag. She grabbed the bag and jogged over to the pool’s edge, untying the sweater from around her waist and leaving her in just her one piece suit.

“Mabel!” Mermando called, swimming to the edge of the pool. “You made it!”

“Of course I did, silly!” Mabel said with a giggle. “I wasn’t gonna leave you  _ high and dry _ .”

“But I am in a- Oh!” Memando cut himself off as he started laughing. “That is what you call in English a ‘pan’, correct? Very funny.”

“Actually, it’s a…” Mabel trailed off, before shaking her head with a smile. “Nevermind.”

Mabel slid into the water, shivering a bit. Without the sun on it, the pool was significantly cooler than it was in the day. It wasn’t freezing or anything, but it would take a bit to get used to. Or something to distract her.

Mabel reached out of the pool and grabbed her bag. She opened it up, and reached in for something.

“Look at this, Mermando!” Mabel said, pulling a book out of her bag. “It’s a scrapbook of human stuff.”

Mermando swam over, looking at the various photos on display. They all seemed to be of herself and her brother, Dipper, if he remembered the name correctly.

“Here’s me and my family!” Mabel said enthusiastically. “Look, there’s my mom and dad, and that’s my brother Dipper, and here’s my Grunkle Stan! Well, he’s our great uncle, but we call him Grunkle. Here’s him teaching me how to make a mermonkey for his tourist trap! And here I am kicking Dipper in his legs. He couldn’t move his legs after that!”

Mermando frowned. “Let’s skip this part.”

“And here’s when we tried kickboxing!” Mabel said happily.

Mermando sighed sadly, and swam away.

Mabel frowned, realizing the Merman was upset about something. “What’s wrong?”

Mermando pulled his guitar out of the water. He strummed a chord, about to speak, when he winced at the sound. He turned the guitar over, and let the water pour out, before playing the chord correctly.

“I too, used to have a family, back in the ocean,” Mermando said dramatically as he open his seashell necklace, revealing a picture of his family. “How I miss them…”

“Mermando…” Mabel said sadly. “You can’t leave the pool, can you?”

“I’ve tried only once,” Mermando answered, “but escaping this pool required a plan that was bold and daring. And legs. I couldn’t get far enough, and then the wolves came…”

Mermando shuddered at the memory, before looking back to Mabel.

“No, I’m glad that I’m here,” Mermando insisted, “‘cause I met you.”

Mabel smiled at her companion, and saw a shooting star fall behind Mermando. It was as if the universe itself was trying to make the moment as romantic as possible.

‘ _ This is it, Mabel, _ ’ the girl thought to herself. ‘ _ First kiss moment, here we come! Just go for it! _ ’

Mabel slowly leaned forward, pursing her lips together. She tried going in for a light peck, but her lips were so mushed together they didn’t look like a kiss at all. Mermando saw Mabel approaching and looked quizzically at her.

“... What are you doing with your mouth?” Mermando asked, confused by the girl’s face.

“Me?” Mabel said, backpedalling. “Nothing. This? I was eating some sour candy. So my lips were doing that. The candy was so sour.”

Mermando paused. “... Can I have some candy?”

“... No.”

 

**3-11-20-10-5   15-20   7   25-3-15-19-25-1-15-0.   0-14-7-0   15-25   7-18-18.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On time! Barely! Yes!
> 
> Hello one and all, welcome back to Fighting in the Falls! So, I'm super beat after today, but I was determined to not be a day late again, so here we are.  
> Anyway, chapter trivia.  
> ...  
> I don't think I've got anything this time. Most of the cool stuff happens next chapter, so...  
> Weird thing to note, I guess, but while going over this chapter's final edit, and while posting it, I've been listening to All Things Must Die from the RWBY Volume 5 OST. Not even sure why. Ignite is my favorite piece from the OST, with the Ooozzzpppiiinnn!!! score being a close second, so why am I listening to this Volume's edgelord song on repeat? I think I have a problem.  
> ... Wasn't this supposed to be about Gravity Falls?  
> But yeah, I think that's all for now. If you have any likes, dislikes, or questions about the story, feel free to leave them in the comments. It's a lot of fun to hear what you all have to say. Thank you all for reading, and-
> 
> Just close your eyes~
> 
> Don't fear demise~
> 
> Black out the sky~
> 
> All things must die~


	14. Polo!

“One hundred points,” Dipper said, grinning.

He and Wendy laughed at the sight of Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland floundering around with several lifesavers constraining them. Just another day at the pool.

“Dude!” Wendy said, high-fiving the boy. “With this job, you and me are gonna be havin’ fun all summer!”

Dipper’s smiling was brought to an abrupt halt though, as the sharp sound of a whistle blew through the air. The boy turned and saw Poolcheck glaring at him, pointing at the trapped cops.

“Pines!” Poolcheck shouted. “Here! Now!”

Dipper got a sinking feeling in his stomach. ‘ _ Uh oh… _ ’

 

**_… enO erutcel retal…_ **

 

“You gave me your word that you would respect the safety rules of this pool!” Poolcheck yelled, voice thick with anger and betrayal.

Dipper tilted his head in surprise. “Mr. Poolcheck? Are you crying?”

“That’s not important right now!” Poolcheck declared as he turned away and wiped his eyes. “You’re on the nights, boy! You wanna keep this job? Well, some maniac broke in to the supplies closet last night and destroyed our one and only pool skimmer! I want you on a stakeout. If one more supply gets taken, you’re fired!”

Dipper winced a bit at the tone, before rallying up his resolve. “I won’t let you down!”

Poolcheck nodded, and walked off.

Dipper exhaled. He hadn’t expected Poolcheck to be that mad at him, or to look so hurt by Dipper’s actions. He also hadn’t expected the spike of guilt that hit him when he made Poolcheck cry. It had been a long time since an adult had actually trusted him, and not treated him like a problem child, or an assault charge waiting to happen. And Dipper had betrayed that trust.

Okay, so maybe he really only had the job because he wanted to hang with Wendy. It was still the main reason he wanted the job, but… Well, no sense in letting his boss down, right?

Dipper popped his knuckles. If anyone tried breaking in that night, Dipper would make sure that they’d regret it.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Mermando, get ready!” Mabel called. “I’m gonna BRING THE HEAT!”

Mabel threw her beach ball at her companion, but frowned at the sight of the ball bouncing off a dejected Mermando’s head.

“Mermando, are you okay?” Mabel asked.

Mermando swam to Mabel, a depressed look on his face as he did so.

“Oh…” Mabel said, realization hitting. “It’s your family, isn’t it? Are you thinking about them?”

Mermando answered with a sad dolphin sound.

Mabel hesitated for a moment, before getting a determined look on her face. “Mermando, enough is enough! I care about you too much to see you like this! We’re gonna bust you out of here and get you back to your family!”

“But Mabel!” Mermando argued. “Escape is impossible.”

Mabel shook her head defiantly. “We’re breaking you out of here, and we’re doing it tonight!”

To show her resolve, Mabel hit the water, like slamming a fist on a table. Unfortunately, unlike a table top, water is not solid. The impact caused a large splash that soaked both kids’ faces.

“Oops…” Mabel said apologetically. “Sorry about that. Water.”

 

**_… retaL taht thgin…_ **

 

Dipper walked back and forth around the pool, eyes peeled for anything suspicious. 

His plan was simple: Patrol all night, protect supplies, catch a trespasser should there be one, beat the crap out of possible trespasser if they’re a monster or Gideon, keep his job, make sure Poolcheck didn’t hate him, and get to hang out with Wendy all summer.

Simple.

Dipper’s head suddenly whipped around as he heard a sound. “Freeze!”

Dipper aimed the beam of his flashlight at the sound, and saw a familiar wrinkly old face.

The night guard let out a frustrated groan. “ _... Grunkle Stan… _ ”

Indeed, Stan was right on the other side of the chain link fence, wire cutters in hand as he had just cut open a hole in the metal barrier.

“I-uh,” Stan stuttered. “I’m sleepwalking! Also now I’m sleep talking.”

“ _ You’re _ the one destroying pool supplies?” Dipper asked, tone somewhere between angry, fed up, and just tired.

“What?” Stan asked, confused. “No! My crime is a lot better than that. I’m gonna get that seat and be ready at the morning when Gideon comes. And maybe I’ll destroy some pool supplies. Night’s still young.”

Dipper pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a frustrated sigh. ‘ _... Of course. _ ’

With a sharp breath, Dipper blew his whistle, the old man flinching at the noise. Dipper pointed away from the pool, and gave Stan a glare that would make most grown men cower.

“ **Leave,** ” Dipper said in a no-nonsense tone. “ **Now.** ”

“Yeesh,” Stan said at the display. “Alright, I’m goin’!”

“And don’t even think about trying to sneak back in here!” Dipper called after his grunkle.

Stan grumbled to himself as he walked off.

Dipper stayed watching that area, knowing full well that Stan would try again. He saw the old man go into the bushes to the left, towards his coveted chair. Dipper figured he’d try to break through the fence again, or maybe some other scheme. Still, regardless of what Stan did next, Dipper knew where he’d end up. The boy walked over to chair in question, deciding to stake it out. Knowing his grunkle, he probably wouldn’t have to wait long.

So focused was Dipper on his mission, he didn’t notice the Mystery Shack Golf Cart pulling up to the new hole in the fence. Mermando peeked his head out from under the water, seeing the dim red glow of the cart’s rear lights.

“Mabel!” the Merman whispered as he swam to the edge of the pool.

“Are you ready to see your family?” Mabel whispered back as she approached the locked supply shack and pulled out a hair clip.

“Yes,” Mermando answered in a low tone, “but how can I, a merman, possibly escape?”

“Okay, my original plan was to tape together a bunch fish sticks to make you a prosthetic pair of people legs,” Mabel said in a hushed voice as she used the clip to pick the lock.

“Intriguing…” Mermando said thoughtfully.

Mabel smirked as she felt the tumblers fall into place. She opened the door, revealing her target.

“But then I realized that I could just transport you in this cooler,” she said.

Mermando nodded. That did sound like a better plan.

The Merman gathered his energy and lept out of the pool. He flopped around on the deck for a bit, before Mabel grabbed him by the arms and helped him into the water filled cooler. They each smiled at each other, before Mabel turned back and closed the supply closet door, re-locking it in the process. Mabel was so satisfied with her brilliant escape plan going off without a hitch, she didn’t realize until to late that she was right next to a bucket with various cleaning nets. She walked right into it and, well…

A clattering noise rang out over the empty pool.

“Hey!” Mabel heard a voice call from across the pool. “Who’s there!”

“Quick!” Mermando whispered. “Hide me! My kind must not be seen!”

Mabel managed to secure the lid on the cooler just as Dipper shone his flashlight on her. Her eyes widened at the sight of her brother, and she got a awkwardly wide smile as she tried (and failed) to play it cool.

“Oh,” Mabel said just a bit too loudly, “ _ heeeeey _ , Brotato. What are, ah… what’re you doin’ here?”

“I work here,” Dipper grumbled. “And what about you, huh Mabel? Is there anyone not breaking into the pool tonight? What, is Soos here too?”

At that moment, Soos tumbled down from climbing the fence across the pool.

“I’m okay,” the handyman announced.

“Go home, Soos,” Dipper called without even turning to look at the man.

“You got it,” Soos said as he began climbing back over the fence.

Dipper took a deep breath before addressing his sister. “... So, why are you here?”

“Uh... no reason?” Mabel tried.

Dipper’s unimpressed look told her he didn’t buy it.

“So you just decided to drive over here,” Dipper started, “break into the place I work at, and steal supplies.”

“Hey look!” Mabel suddenly exclaimed, pointing behind her brother. “Wendy in a bikini!”

Dipper cocked an eyebrow at her. “Really, Mabel?”

The girl shrugged. “Worth a shot.”

“Hand over the cooler,” Dipper ordered. “Now.”

“I’ll bring it back!” Mabel insisted. “I just need it for a little bit!”

“Why?” Dipper asked.

“Well, um…” Mabel mumbled. “Uh… to fight the forces of evil…?”

“Mabel, I don’t have time for your games,” Dipper said, growing increasingly frustrated. “If you don’t give me those supplies, I’ll lose my job.”

Mabel rolled her eyes. “Big whoop. You can hang with Wendy at the Shack.”

“It’s not just that,” Dipper said. “This job means something to me, Mabel. And I won’t lose it just because you felt like going on some vandalism spree.”

“Trust me Dipper,” Mabel tried, her patience beginning to wear thin, “this is important.”

“But not important enough to tell me?” Dipper asked pointedly.

“... Well… I mean-”

“Return the supplies and  go home,” Dipper stated harshly. “Final warning.”

Mabel gained a glare of her own at that last statement.

“‘Warning’?” she asked, a serious tone in her voice. “What are you gonna do if I leave with that cooler right now, little brother?”

The twins looked each other dead in the eye. Their glares were so intense, lightning was practically arcing between them.

“... You know what,” Dipper responded.

Mabel nodded slowly. So that was how it was going to be.

The girl took one step backward to the cart, and Dipper sprung forward. He aimed a punch right at Mabel’s stomach, aiming for a quick incapacitation. But Mabel saw the attack coming, and deflected her brother’s fist with arm. She threw a quick hook at Dipper’s cheek, but was surprised when his head barely even moved from the hit. Before she could pull her arm back, Dipper grabbed her by the wrist and pushed her fist off of his face. Mabel tried yanking her arm out of his grasp, like she’d done many times before when they’d sparred, but surprised yet again when she found she couldn’t. Dipper’s grip was a vice, and she could barely budge him.

Dipper capitalized on his sister’s moment of shock by yanking her to the side, while simultaneously sweeping his leg under her’s. Just like that, Mabel was knocked off her feet and falling. But as she went down, she swung one of her now airborne legs right into Dipper’s side. The sudden pain caused Dipper to flinch, and his grip on Mabel’s wrist to loosen. She quickly pulled her arm back and rolled away from her brother as she landed.

As she jumped up to her feet she saw Dipper was already mere inches from her, not having been slowed in the least. He swung a roundhouse kick right at her side. Mabel managed to catch the kick mid-swing, and softened the blow to her side. But before she could use the captured limb to throw her brother off balance, Dipper pulled his leg back, easily ripping free of Mabel’s grip.

Mabel stumbled back and, in a moment of panic, shot a jab out right at her brother’s throat, working purely on instinct. But Dipper was ready for the punch this time. He ducked to the side, dodging the attack, and grabbed Mabel’s forearm. Before she could do anything, Dipper pulled her around in a half-circle. In one smooth motion he had Mabel’s back pulled against him, and wrapped her arm around her own neck in a headlock. And try as she might, Mabel couldn’t break out of his grip.

‘ _ What the heck!?! _ ’ Mabel thought. ‘ _ Since when was Dipper this strong!?! _ ’

Dipper meanwhile, was very pleased with himself. While the bulk of the ridiculous strength he’d built up training with the Manotaurs had faded since he’d been unable to continue the regimen (he wondered how Leaderaur’s head was doing), he was still far stronger than normal. He’d never been able to manhandle Mabel like this before.

‘ _ This certainly makes things easier, _ ’ Dipper thought as he caught the elbow Mabel tried to ram into his gut.

Mabel growled in frustration. At this rate Dipper would probably pull a straight jacket out of nowhere and further incapacitate her. She didn’t know how her brother had gotten so much stronger, but Mabel knew better than most that strength wasn’t everything. She suddenly bent over, lifting Dipper off of the ground. Startled by his sudden loss of footing, Dipper released his sister. As he slid off his sister’s back, Mabel suddenly straightened up her spine, pushing Dipper back.

The boy stumbled backward as his feet touched ground, his balance off. Mabel reached down and swiped one of the dropped cleaning nets off the ground. Dipper ducked and stepped back as Mabel swung the net end at his head.

‘ _ And now she’s going to break more supplies! _ ’ Dipper thought angrily. ‘ _ Wonderful! _ ’

The boy ducked and weaved, avoiding the attacks with the net as best he could. He didn’t want to block it, as doing so would likely damage it. Mabel grinned at her brilliant plan, and used her constant swipes to push Dipper back.

Dipper’s eyes widened as he realized Mabel was backing him up toward the edge of the pool.

‘ _ She’s trying to push me in, _ ’ he thought as he ducked under another swing. ‘ _ But if that’s her goal, then she’ll probably try to… _ ’

Dipper’s heels were right at the edge of the pool. Mabel smirked at the sight, mentally patting herself on the back.

‘ _ Sorry, Bro, _ ’ she thought. ‘ _ But Mermando needs to get home! _ ’

At that, Mabel thrust the pole forward, aimed right at Dipper’s chest. However, the boy wore his own smirk. He instantly spun to the side, avoiding the push. He really did know his sister too well.

As he spun, he grabbed the pole of the pool cleaner. He used his motion to pull it forward, and Mabel along with it. As Mabel stumbled forward, being dragged by her own weapon, Dipper came back around and landed a powerful side kick right in Mabel’s stomach. With one fluid motion, Dipper had managed to dodge the attack, counter, and yank the cleaning net out of his sister’s hand with nary a dent.

‘ _ It’s good to be the king, _ ’ Dipper thought proudly.

Meanwhile, Mabel fell on her butt, thinking that her imaginary self back pat may have been premature. She had tensed her abs just before the kick had hit, so she was only slightly winded. But still, she’d feel that one in the morning. She looked up and saw Dipper toss the cleaner to the side, and she glared at him as he stared at her.

‘ _ This isn’t good, _ ’ the girl thought to herself. ‘ _ Face it Mabel, you don’t exactly have a great track record when it comes to fighting Dipper one-on-one. And you can’t leave this up to chance. Mermando needs you! So figure out what you need to do, and… _ ’

Suddenly, Mabel raised herself with her hands and, channeling her dancing skills, swung her leg out at her brother’s feet. Dipper didn’t have space to step back, so instead he jumped over the attempt to trip him. Unfortunately for him, Mabel knew he would do that, and instantly kicked up with her other leg right into Dipper’s stomach. 

‘ _ Do it! _ ’ she thought triumphantly as she felt her kick connect.

The boy flew back through the air and crashed into the water, a loud splash echoing into the night.

Mabel let her feet rest against the concrete, bringing her leg sweep to a stop. She bounded up to her feet and watched as Dipper’s head shot above the water, gasping for breath.

Mabel smirked. ‘ _ It’s good to be the queen. _ ’

Dipper tried to wipe the water out of his eyes as he swam to the edge of the pool. He half expected to find Mabel by the edge, ready to keep him from getting back up. But after blinking a bit, he saw his sister in the Shack’s golf cart, revving up the engine.

“Sorry, Dipper!” Mabel shouted back as she drove off.

“ _ Mabel! _ ” Dipper growled as he quickly pulled himself out of the pool.

Dipper dashed across the concrete and jumped into the Pool Mobile. Putting the pedal to the metal, the boy’s vehicle shot out like a rocket after his sister.

As the two drove off, Stan poked his head out of the nearby bushes and grinned.

“The coast is clear,” he said as he walked to his favorite chair and sat down in it. “Now all I have to do is wait here fifteen hours until the pool opens.”

Crickets chirped and a light breeze blew through as Stan sat in silence for a few moments.

“This was a good plan.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Give the supplies back, Mabel!” Dipper shouted through a megaphone as he drove after his sister.

The two were ripping through the streets of Gravity Falls. Mabel was going as fast as she could to the lake. She glanced back at the cooler, and saw it was still secure in the back. She also saw that Dipper was gaining on her. It seemed that the Pool Mobile was faster than the Shack’s cart.

“C’mon!” Mabel muttered at the cart. “Go faster!”

The kids zipped past various shops and other such locales of the town, and even a cop car. Mabel’s jaw clenched as she saw Dipper get closer, now about ten yards behind her. She had to lose him somehow. It was then she realized she was approaching a hard right turn she needed to make. There was a fire hydrant at the corner, so trying to corner-cut would result in little more than a crash. There was no way Dipper could make the turn at his current speed, but Mabel…

‘ _ You can do this, Mabel! _ ’ she thought. ‘ _ You can do it! _ ’

Without slowing, she turned hard around the corner, tires screeching against the pavement. She forced the steering wheel to turn as far as it could, but still turned at a dangerously wide angle. She swerved toward a store on her left, the centripetal force of the turn causing the cart to tilt. Mabel’s eyes widened, realizing she was about to crash. In a desperate attempt, she flung all her weight to the right of the cart. Her actions were enough to get all the cart’s wheels back on the ground, and she quickly spun the steering wheel back into neutral position.

With a triumphant laugh, Mabel shot down the road, not having lost a bit of speed.

‘ _ Crap! _ ’ Dipper thought.

This was a problem. At this point he was too close to the corner to do what Mabel had done. There was no time to slow down, and no room for his current speed to make the turn either. There was only one thing he could think to do.

‘ _ Please let this work… _ ’ Dipper thought.

Dipper accelerated the Pool Mobile and made a sudden sharp left turn, away from where he needed to go. Almost as soon as his vehicle began turning, he cut back hard to the right. He felt and heard the rear wheels skid under him, and the Pool Mobile started to spin out. But instead of letting that happen, Dipper spun the wheel back to the left, driving against the spin.

Mabel glanced over her shoulder, expecting to see her brother skid to a stop, but instead saw him drifting around the corner at top speeds.

“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!” she exclaimed at the sight.

Dipper straightened out his vehicle as he completed the turn, and took off after his sister, barely having lost any distance.

Mabel gripped the steering wheel of her cart harder, and tried desperately to push down more on the accelerator.

After about a minute of somehow managing to stay just barely ahead of her brother, Mabel was pulling up to the shore of Lake Gravity Falls. She pumped the brakes as she sped toward the water. Unfortunately, her tires hit a patch of extra slick mud, and she began to spin out. She jumped out of the cart just as it flipped over, her fall cushioned by the ample mud she landed in.

Dipper saw the wreck and hit the brakes. He also began to spin out in the mud, but unlike Mabel, he was ready for it. He turned his spin out into another drift, sliding in a wide arc around his sister’s wreck and coming to a stop between her and the lake.

Dipper let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. The driving test would be like nothing after this.

Mabel’s eyes darted around the shoreline as she scampered to her feet. She was cornered by her brother and covered in mud, but none of that was important at the moment. Mabel scrambled around as she looked for the dropped cooler. When she spotted it, she dashed over to it as fast as the slick ground would allow.

‘ _ Please be okay please be okay please-! _ ’

Mabel slid to a stop, crouching down to check the cooler. At first she was relieved, as it seemed to still be safely in one piece. Unfortunately, the stopper at the bottom had broken off in the crash, and the water was spilling out. She tried plugging the hole back up by hand, but wasn’t very successful. The water leaked out through her fingers for a few seconds before she was suddenly yanked backward by a hand on her shoulder. Mabel winced as she fell on her back in the mud and looked up to see a slightly panting Dipper looking down on her.

“Alright, this stupid game is over, Mabel,” Dipper said, a bit short on breath as he walked in front of his sister. “Hand over the cooler.”

Mabel spent a second catching her breath before her defiance flared. “Never!”

Without warning, Mabel swung her leg in and swept Dipper’s legs out from under him. She instantly jumped to her feet and tried running around to the cooler, but Dipper grabbed a handful of mud and slung it right at Mabel’s face. The girl slid to a stop, trying to wipe the muck out of her eyes, and in doing so gave Dipper the chance to get back up.

Mabel cleared the mud out of her eyes just in time to see Dipper take a swing at her face. She ducked under the strike, sliding forward a bit without meaning to. While Mabel swung her arms wildly, trying not to lose her balance, Dipper spun himself around, feet gliding on the slick ground with greater ease than Mabel had. Almost as if he was skating, his feet pushed him to his sister just as she righted herself. Dipper collided with Mabel’s back, tackling her to the ground and pinning her arms behind her back in the process.

Try as she might, Mabel couldn’t free herself. Dipper’s grip was too strong, and the slippery mud beneath her provided little traction for throwing him off. She was caught, no way out.

“Why do you even need it?” Dipper asked in frustration.

Mabel shot a panicked look at the now totally drained cooler before taking a deep breath and saying, “I needed the cooler to save my new friend because he needs to go home and he’s really nice and we combed each others’ hair and he needs to be in the cooler because he breathes water because he’s a Merman!”

At that, the lid on the overturned cooler fell off, and Mermando flopped out into the mud next to the twins.

“Hola,” the Merman said.

Dipper blinked, dumbstruck for a moment.

“... You could’ve led with that, y’know,” he said as he released his sister and stood up.

“Dipper, Mermando the Merman,” Mabel said, sitting up in the mud as she tried to steady her breathing. “He’s a Merman.”

“I noticed,” Dipper responded.

“Nice to meet you,” Mermando told Dipper with a nod. “Also, I think I am dying.”

Mermando suddenly let out several short gasps as his face started turning an unhealthy looking blue.

“Water!” the Merman wheezed. “Agua! Yo necesito!”

“Oh, no!” Mabel exclaimed. “Mermando! Dipper, you’re a lifeguard! Give him CPR!”

Dipper looked at his sister with an unimpressed look. “Or…”

The boy suddenly kicked Mermando hard in the side. The impact caused the fish boy to go tumbling down a nearby slant in the ground and right into the lake.

“Oh. Yeah,” Mabel said. “That works too.”

Mermando’s head broke the surface of the water, and he shook his hair out majestically.

“Thank you for saving me,” Mermando said. “My side, it aches in gratitude.”

Dipper shrugged.

Mermando tried making dolphin noises, but they were quiet, and when he tried going louder he broke into a coughing fit.

“... I am weak from coughing,” the Merman said. “How will I get my family to hear my call from the mighty depths of the ocean?”

Dipper thought for a moment, before sighing. “Hold up.”

The boy walked over to the Pool Mobile and grabbed something from it.

“Catch,” he said as he tossed his megaphone to Mermando.

Mermando made more quiet dolphin sounds, and was pleased to hear them amplified through the megaphone.

“Perfecto!” Mermando said. “This will work!”

“Whoa, hey,” Mabel said. “That’s a pool supply. Won’t you get in trouble for losing it?”

“No, I’ll get fired for losing it,” Dipper corrected. “But this is more important.”

“Aw, Bro…” Mabel said, eyes watering.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dipper said, waving his sister off. “Go say goodbye to your boyfriend already.”

Mabel nodded as she walked over to the lake and stood in front of the fish boy.

“Mabel,” Mermando said fondly, “I have never met anyone like you.”

“Same here,” Mabel said with a smile. “Except for a zombie, a gnome, and a couple of cute vampires.”

Dipper raised an eyebrow. “I don’t remember the vampires.”

“I don’t tell you everything,” Mabel told her brother slyly. “Well, Mermando, I guess this is it.”

“Not quite,” Mermando said with a grin. “This is!”

With that, Mermando jumped out of the water just long enough plant a quick kiss on Mabel’s lips.

Dipper decided to look at a very interesting pile of mud at that moment. Mabel, meanwhile, stared forward with wide eyes and a slight blush on her face.

“That was my first kiss…” Mabel said in awe as she lightly placed her fingers on her lips.

Mermando looked up at Mabel as he began to turn away.

“Goodbye, Mabel,” Mermando said with a sad smile.

“... Goodbye, Mermando…” Mabel whispered back, watching as the Merman sunk beneath the waters.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht loop…_ **

 

“A wrecked fence,” Poolcheck said with barely contained rage, “dents and mud all over the Pool Mobile, and a missing megaphone!? Who is responsible for this!?!”

Dipper sighed. “It’s my fault, sir.”

An angry vein bulged on Poolcheck’s forehead. “Hand! Over! The whistle, boy!”

Dipper dejectedly gave Poolcheck his whistle, frowning at the feeling of failure he had. He cared less about this feeling as he saw Poolcheck put the metal whistle in his mouth and chew it to pieces. At that, Dipper decided that backing away slowly was probably the best idea.

Poolcheck swallowed the pieces of the whistle and stood fuming. “If one more thing goes wrong today-!”

In that very moment, Soos threw all of the inflatable ducks over the pool fence.

“You’re free now! Free!” he cried out. “Inflatable ducks unite!”

“ **You!** ” Poolcheck roared.

What followed were various screams, pleas for help, and other experiences that would haunt Soos until the end of his days. And commentary from Tyler Cutebiker.

“Git ‘em! Git ‘em!”

While that slaughter was going on, Gideon walked happily to Stan’s favorite lawn chair. But when he got there, the boy gasped at the sight of Stan already in the chair.

“Stanford!” Gideon exclaimed in surprise.

Stan laughed at his nemesis. “Sorry Gideon. Ocupado, and all.”

“Well, guess you’ve won,” Gideon conceded. “Put ‘er there.”

Gideon extended his hand for a shake, and Stan tried to take the hand and savor his victory. “Tried” being the operative word. He quickly discovered he couldn’t lift his arm. It was firmly stuck to the chair.

“Hey!” Stan exclaimed. “What the-!?”

“... Unless perhaps I predicted your plan, and coated the entire chair with glue last night!” Gideon said smugly. “Enjoy your chair. Forever…”

Gideon walked off, laughing madly the whole time.

“Kids, get the spatulas!” Stan shouted desperately. “Kids!”

While Stan learned what being caught on flypaper feels like, Mabel sat by the pool filter, sighing sadly to herself.

“How are you doing?” Dipper asked as he approached her, sitting next to her.

“How ‘bout you?” Mabel asked. “Heard you get fired. Pretty sure the whole pool heard. You okay with that?”

“I’ll get over it,” Dipper said. “But I asked you first.”

Mabel groaned as she ran a hand through her hair.

“I know it wouldn’t have worked,” Mabel said. “You saw how hard being away from the sea was for him. Even if he didn’t have a family, he couldn’t live on land, and I can’t live in the water. We could never really be together, but…”

“But knowing that doesn’t change how you feel?” Dipper offered.

“Yeah,” Mabel answered. “I really liked him, Dipper. And he was the first guy I fell for that didn’t turn out to be secretly evil. And… and I had my first kiss, and it was a goodbye kiss. I just… I don’t know. What if Mermando was my best chance? What if I blew it?”

“I thought I was the pessimist?” Dipper asked.

“C’mon Dipper, I’m serious,” Mabel said.

“And so am I,” Dipper responded. “You’ll find someone, Mabel. You’re nice and funny. And twelve. You’ve got time. You know how the saying goes…”

“Don’t you dare…” Mabel said, a smile breaking out on her face.

“... There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

Mabel slugged her brother in the shoulder.

“Nerd,” Mabel chuckled. “... Thanks, Bro.”

“You can thank me by not calling me that again,” Dipper deadpanned. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get as far away from Poolcheck as I can.”

With that, Dipper rose and walked off, leaving Mabel by herself to think about things. She didn’t have long to think though, as a message in a bottle suddenly shot out of the pool filter and floated in the water before her. Curious, she picked up the bottle and pulled out the message, reading the note with a new smile.

‘ _ “Dear Mabel,” _ ’ she read in her head, picturing Mermando’s voice, ‘ _ “I am home with my family and I am very happy. Our first kiss will always hold a place in my heart. Technically hearts. As a Merman I have, like, seventeen hearts. Horrifying but true! More bottles on the way!” _ ’

At that very moment, several more bottles came out of the filter. Mabel giggled at the sight and gathered up the new bottles, determined to read them all.

As Mabel collected her long distance love letters, Dipper walked off sadly. He’d hidden his feelings from Mabel, but he really was upset about losing the lifeguarding job. It had been a chance for him to be different in Gravity Falls. To have someone actually trust and maybe even respect him. But he had given it up. He would always choose his sister over some really unstable (possibly robot) guy he barely knew, and helping Mermando was the right thing to do, but the rejection still stung. And the loss of an easy way to hang out with Wendy sucked too.

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind than a water balloon collided with his face.

“Hey, doofus,” Wendy greeted as she approached him in her regular outfit. “You’ll never guess what happened. I just got fired.”

“Really?” Dipper responded, surprised by the timing.

“Yeah,” Wendy answered with a nod. “I guess Poolcheck found out I was taking too many snacks.”

“... How many?” Dipper asked.

In answer, Wendy lifted her hat and revealed a small stack of Corncorno packs. Dipper snickered at the sight, earning a chuckle from Wendy in the process.

“Hey, wanna go break rules somewhere else?” Wendy asked.

Dipper shrugged. “I guess I’ve got nothing better to do.”

The two smiled as they walked of, intent to cause mayhem.

So maybe neither of the twins were having much luck with love. That didn’t mean they were hopeless, or doomed to be single forever. When it came to romance, there was always tomorrow. But for the moment, they were each going to enjoy today.

… And remain unaware of their grunkle’s cries for help.   
  


**3-14-7-0   0-14-11   14-11-18-18?!   17-7-20-25-11-15   10-21-24-15-12-0-21!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two Mondays in a row I've had to babysit one of my cousins at the pool, and on those same Mondays I've uploaded chapters involving the Gravity Falls Public Pool.  
> Coincidence?  
> I THINK NOT!
> 
> Hello, and welcome back to a brand new chapter of Fighting in the Falls! I'm Loser With Fedora, and is it weird that even with the Aquaman and Shazam! trailers coming out of comic con last weekend, somehow Glass is the upcoming superhero movie I'm most excited for? Does anyone even know what I'm talking about? Probably not!  
> Anyway, onto the chapter trivia!  
> So, Dipper vs. Mabel happened. Finally, amrite? Ever since the Nerd vs. Childish comic Buryooooo put out, I've wanted to see who would win if the twins ever came to blows. Since we never received an actual comic detailing this, I decided to do it myself! Well, except as a written story. I can't draw worth crap. That being said, I hope you were pleased by how it turned out. I know some of you (or at least one reader in particular, shout-outs to InsurgentWarden) were looking forward to this.  
> Let's see, what else...? Oh yeah, the car chase bit. I had considered just skipping straight to the lake part once they left the pool, but then I watched Baby Driver and listened to a whole bunch of Initial D music (mostly Deja Vu and Gas Gas Gas), and so Dipper drifting happened. For those who actually read the secret messages, the one at the end of this chapter is an Initial D reference. Just in case anyone's confused by that.  
> There is one more thing in this chapter that I'd like to talk about, but it's kind of a spoiler. You probably won't be able to tell what it is, since it's only vaguely hinted at, but it's there. Don't worry, it'll be referred to in a later chapter. I can't wait to make it past Weirdmageddon.
> 
> I think that's it. Next chapter is one I think we've all been looking forward to, Dreamscaperers! Yep, we're almost done with Season 1, people! So tune in for that! And while you're undoubtedly marking the next update day in your calendars, be sure to leave any likes, dislikes, or questions about the story you have in the comments. It's always great to get feedback, or just see what you all have to say.  
> Thanks for reading, and have a great day.


	15. Illuminati Confirmed

Dipper lounged on his bed, scribbling some notes in the Journal. He’d been neglecting keeping up with his newer entries recently, on account of his attempts to spend time with Wendy. While he was happy he’d been able to hang out with his new friend more, he didn’t want to completely lose track of his main summer mission: figuring out what happened to the Author. By this point he’d been over the entire book, and added entries about the cursed Fight-Fighters machine, Mermen, the Time Tape, and even the copier in Stan’s office, as well as various other creatures he’d encountered in his adventures. Unfortunately, new additions were all Dipper had at the moment.

He was growing increasingly certain that his Journal was the last that the Author made. There was simply too much unused space, and the notes in the Journal that the Author had left cut off too suddenly. That still left him with an issue, though. That meant there were two Journals unaccounted for. Two thirds of a puzzle he was lacking. No, even more than that, since his Journal was incomplete. If he wanted to make any headway on his case, Dipper needed those other Journals. The problem was, nothing in Journal 3 mentioned where the others could be. The one he found was hidden pretty elaborately, and he’d only stumbled upon it through chance. He couldn’t bank on being so lucky two more times. And even if he did find the secret locations of the other two Journals, there was no guarantee they’d even still be there.

Dipper growled in frustration. Every angle he tried just lead to a dead end. The whole thing felt like trying to put together a huge jigsaw puzzle blindfolded. At this point his best plan was going over a map of the forest and use the entries in the Journal to find the areas that the Author most frequented. The forest was most likely where at least one of the books was hidden, since it would be out of the way and the Author seemed to go there a lot. But then again, the fact that the Author went there often could indicated that he  _ didn’t _ hide the Journals in the forest to avoid being predictable. Just a never-ending cycle of could-be’s and maybe-not’s.

Dipper sighed. He’d check the forest, just to be sure. Still, he needed to come up with other strategies in case nothing turned up. Maybe he could have a brainstorming session with Mabel and come up with something better. She was always better at thinking up outside the box ideas than he was, anyway.

Dipper glanced over at his sister’s bed. She was right there, and just playing a game of solitaire. Not doing anything important. Maybe now would be a good time to- 

“Kids!” Stan shouted from downstairs. “Come quick!”

‘ _ Of course… _ ’ Dipper thought as he shut the Journal and tucked it into his jacket.

The twins went downstairs to the living room, where they saw their grunkle laughing at something on the TV.

“C’mon!” Stan told the kids. “I need you to laugh at this with me!”

The twins looked at the TV and saw a commercial for the Tent of Telepathy.

“Ugh,” Dipper grunted in disgust. “Gideon.”

“Remember when I wouldn’t date him and he tried to destroy us?” Mabel asked.

“How could I forget?” Dipper responded.

“Little punk’s always trying to trick me into losing the Mystery Shack,” Stan said. “And sabotage my events. And steal my parking spaces.”

“And yet,” Soos said as he walked into the room, “our mutual hatred for him bonds us together.”

Dipper quirked an eyebrow. “No offense Soos, but what’re you doing here? Isn’t today your day off?”

“I ain’t payin’ ya overtime!” Stan chimed in from his recliner.

“Huh, that is an excellent question, dude,” Soos said, thinking for a moment.

Dipper waited for an answer, but never got one. “... Soos?”

“Yeah, dude?” Soos responded.

“... Why are you here?” Dipper asked again.

“Why am I where?”

Dipper blinked, before letting out a sigh. “... Nevermind…”

Soos shrugged as they went back to watching the commercial.

“Come on down to Li’l Gideon’s Tent of Telepathy,” Bud Gleeful’s voice spoke over the TV, “opening soon at this location.”

At that a graphic was shown of the Tent of Telepathy falling from the sky and crushing the Mystery Shack.

“... Should we be worried about that?” Dipper asked.

“Please,” Stan said with an eyroll. “The only way Gideon’s taking over this shack is by breaking in and stealing my deed.”

At that very moment a crash was heard from a direction suspiciously in the direction of Stan’s office.

“You were saying?” Dipper asked.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Thirty-eight?” Gideon muttered as he fiddled with the safe in Stan’s office. “Forty-one? Oh, heavens to Betsy!”

“Gideon!”

The boy spun around and saw Stan, Soos, and the twins standing in the hallway just outside the room. He gulped, knowing he’d been caught, but stood confidently in spite of this.

“Well, well,” Gideon said cordially, “Stanford, my arch-nemesis. We seem to have entered a dangerous game of cat and mouse. But the question remains, who is the cat, and who is the-?”

“Soos,” Stan said, already bored with Gideon’s rambling. “Broom.”

“Oh no, not the broom!” Gideon squealed.

What followed was one of the strangest, and funniest, things the twins had ever seen. Their grunkle chased the small boy around the house, Gideon hissing like a cat in the process. After getting a few good swats in, Stan pushed Gideon to the front door and gave him a hard whack out.

Gideon tumbled down the front porch steps and crashed into the mud, somehow not getting any in his white hair. The boy rose, wiping some of the mud off, before looking back to the house with a glare.

“You mark my words, Stanford!” Gideon shouted at the old man, waving his fist angrily. “One day I’m gonna get that combination. And once I steal that deed, you’ll never see the Mystery Shack again!”

“Good luck, bucko!” Stan taunted. “The combo to the safe is in the one place you’ll never be able to get it: my brain. Now beat it. Next time you try gettin’ in here I’ll sic the kids on you.”

With that, Stan shut the door and left Gideon alone in the drizzling rain. Staring defiantly at the Shack, Gideon pulled out Journal 2.

“Your brain isn’t as safe as you might think, Stanford Pines!” Gideon seethed to himself. “This is the last straw! It’s time to unlock the Journal’s greatest secret…”

 

**_… retaL, ni eht tserof raen eht kcahS…_ **

 

Gideon set a picture of Stan with red X’s over the eyes in a circle of candles. Fortunately, the rain had stopped, so the boy was able to perform the ritual without a problem.

“You think that combination’s safe in your mind, Stanford?” Gideon asked the photo. “We’ll see what my new minion has to say about that! Triangulum, entangulum! Vene foris dominus mentium! Vene foris videntis omnium!”

While that was happening, Mabel and Soos were outside the Shack, Soos trying to lick his elbow (don’t ask).

“Lick that elbow! Lick that elbow!” Mabel chanted.

After a few seconds more of trying, Soos halted his attempts.

“Like the infinite horizon, it eludes my grasp,” the handyman said wistfully.

The duo’s hijinxs were cut short however, when they heard mad cackling coming from the woods. Very familiar cackling.

“Is that who I think it is?” Mabel muttered to herself.

The two stealthily walked into the forest, keeping their eyes peeled for a blue suit and ridiculous hair. They didn’t have to look for long, and soon found Gideon, laughing as he clutched his stomach and fell to his knees.

“Egassemsd rawkcab!” Gideon exclaimed incoherently. “Egassemsd rawkcab! Egassemsd rawkcab! Egassemsd rawkcab! Egassemsd rawkcab!”

Mabel and Soos watched, wided eyed as the world around them lost its color. Animals froze in place, the wind stopped blowing and left leaves suspended in the air, and the bolts of lightning that had been arcing across the sky stood still. Everything seemed to stop, everything becoming a black and white still image, save for Gideon, Mabel, and Soos.

Suddenly, the air seemed to buzz as a line appear in front of Gideon. The bottom of the line spread out, until the line became a pitch-black triangle. Yellow fire spread around the shape’s edges, and a large eye formed in the top corned. With an inhuman moan, the fire formed into black arms, legs, a bowtie, and a top hat, while the color of the fire bled into the triangle itself. As the being finished forming, the echoing moans turned into slightly more human sounding laughs.

Before Gideon floated a neon yellow pyramid with an eye, tie, and hat.

“OH, OH, GRAVITY FALLS! IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK!” the triangle said as he turned to face the one who summoned him. “NAME’S BILL CIPHER, AND I TAKE IT YOU’RE SOME KIND OF LIVING VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY? HA HA, I’M JUST KIDDING, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, GIDEON!”

“Wh-What are you?” Gideon stammered out. “H-How do you know my name?”

“OH, I KNOW LOTS OF THINGS!” Bill responded. “ **LOTS OF THINGS...** HEY, LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!”

With a quick hand-wave, all the teeth of a nearby deer flew over to Bill’s palm, hand growing to fit them all.

“DEER TEETH!” Bill said, handing them to Gideon. “FOR YOU, KID!”

Bill laughed as Gideon dropped the teeth in horror.

“You’re insane!” Gideon cried out.

“SURE I AM,” Bill confirmed. “WHAT’S YOUR POINT?”

With another wave of his hand, Bill sent all the teeth flying back into the mouth of the frozen deer. Gideon watched, clearly unsettled by the display, before steeling his nerve.

“Listen to me, demon!” Gideon demanded. “I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe.”

Bill laughed at the notion of a human giving him orders, before realizing what the request was.

“WAIT... STAN PINES?” Bill asked, thinking over the idea. “YOU KNOW WHAT, KID? YOU’VE CONVINCED ME, I’M SOLD! I’LL HELP YOU WITH THIS AND IN RETURN YOU CAN HELP ME WITH SOMETHING I’VE BEEN WORKING ON! WE’LL WORK OUT THE DETAILS LATER.”

“Deal!” Gideon said, agreeing instantly.

Bill extended his hand, and Gideon shook it. Blue fire briefly covered their hands, locking the deal in place, before Bill released his grip and backed up.

“WELL, TIME TO INVADE STAN’S MIND!” Bill said. “THIS SHOULD BE FUN! REMEMBER: _ REALITYISANILLUSION,THEUNIVERSEISAHOLOGRAM,BUYGOLD,BYE! _ ”

In a brilliant flash, Bill vanished. The moment the demon left, color returned to the world, and time moved forward once more. Mabel and Soos blinked, jaws hanging low in disbelief at what they had seen. But while they stood in silent awe, Gideon started to laugh.

“It worked!” Gideon exclaimed as he laughed maniacally.

Mabel and Soos looked at each other, before turning around and running back to the Shack.

 

**_… A wef setunim retal, ta eht kcahS…_ **

 

“Dipper!” Mabel shouted as she burst into the living room. “We’ve gotta help Stan!”

“What?” Dipper asked as he stood up from the couch and glanced at his grunkle, snoozing in his recliner.

“This evil triangle guy said he’s gonna break into Stan’s mind and steal the combination to his safe!” Soos said as he walked in munching on some Burrito Bites. “Also, we stopped for snacks on the way here.”

“Triangle guy?” Dipper asked as he took out his Journal. “That sounds an awful lot like…”

Dipper pulled out his Journal, flipping through the pages. He stopped on a particular entry, handing the book to his sister.

“This the ‘evil triangle guy’?” Dipper asked.

Mabel nodded at the black silhouette. “Yep, that’s it.”

Dipper took back the Journal, looking over the passage about “Bill Cipher”.

“‘Beware Bill,’” Dipper read aloud, “‘the most powerful and dangerous creature I’ve ever encountered. Whatever you do, never let him enter your mind.’”

The trio’s heads whipped around as they heard Stan grunt in his sleep. They turned just in time to see the shadow of Bill settling over the old man. Stan’s eyes began glowing blue, and he started spasming in his sleep.

“Grunkle Stan!” Mabel exclaimed.

“‘It is possible to follow the demon into a person’s mind and prevent his chaos,’” Dipper continued reading, with a bit more haste. “‘One must simply recite this incantation.’”

“We can go in after him?” Mabel asked.

“Apparently,” Dipper answered. “It looks like to save Stan, we’ll need to go to the most horrifying, disturbing place any of us have ever been. Our grunkle’s mind.”

“Hey, you think I can take these Burrito Bites into Stan’s brain?” Soos asked. “Thumbs up? Thumbs down? You know what, I’m just gonna bring ‘em.”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Let’s do this.”

Dipper put his hand on Stan’s head, Mabel and Soos following suit.

“‘Videntus omnium,’” Dipper read from the Journal. “‘Magister mentium. Magnesium ad hominem. Magnum opus. Habeas corpus! Inceptus Nolanus overratus! Magister mentium! Magister mentium! MAGISTER MENTIUM!”

With a flash of blue, the world disappeared.

 

**_???_ **

 

Dipper’s eyes blinked open.

He looked around. He saw Mabel Soos standing next to him, but where they were standing was bizarre in how simplistic it was. They stood just outside a grayscale version of the Mystery Shack. An infinite forest was to their backs, while the Shack partially floated over an endless void.

And for some reason the moon was a giant eight-ball.

Huh.

“What the…?” Soos muttered as the three walked past a broken swing set.

“This is Stan’s mind?” Mabel asked.

“I figured there would be more hot old ladies,” Soos commented.

“... Remember everyone,” Dipper said, trying to move away from THAT topic as fast as he could, “we’ve got to look out for the triangle guy.”

“YEAH, LOOK OUT FOR THE TRIANGLE GUY!”

Mabel gasped as Bill suddenly appeared before them. “It’s him! It’s the guy! You leave our uncle’s brain alone, you isosceles monster!”

At that, Mabel ran at Bill, pulling her fist back into a heavy punch. The triangle rolled his eye, growing bigger than the girl charging him. As she made contact with the living pyramid, Mabel phased through him, vanishing.

Dipper’s eyes widened in panic. “Mabel!”

“WAIT,” Bill said. “GIVE IT A SEC.”

Bill expanded again, just long enough for Mabel to come charging out of him, striking nothing but air.

“Yah!” Mabel exclaimed, before realizing she’d gotten turned around. “... Wait, what?”

“AH, STAN’S FAMILY, WE MEET AT LAST!” Bill said as he shrunk back to his normal size. “QUESTION MARK, SHOOTING STAR, PINE TREE, I HAD A HUNCH I MIGHT BUMP INTO YOU!”

Without warning a laser shot out of Bill’s finger, and ripped a gaping hole through Dipper’s chest. The three humans all shouted in horror, before Dipper’s yells died down. Though not because he lost his lungs. Rather, he stopped screaming because he realized he felt fine.

‘ _ Right, not my real body, _ ’ Dipper thought, before looking back to the triangle. “What do you want with our uncle’s mind?”

“OH, JUST THE CODE TO THE OLD MAN’S SAFE!” Bill said nonchalantly. “INSIDE THE SHACK IS A MAZE OF A THOUSAND DOORS REPRESENTING YOUR UNCLE’S MEMORIES. BEHIND ONE OF THEM IS A MEMORY OF HIM INPUTTING THE CODE. I JUST NEED TO FIND IT AND GIDEON WILL PAY ME HANDSOMELY!”

“Not if we stop you!” Mabel declared.

Bill laughed as blue flame began to surround him. “FAT CHANCE! I’M THE MASTER OF THE MIND! I EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING RIGHT NOW!”

“That’s impossible!” Mabel denied. “No one can guess what I’m thinking!”

Bill snapped his fingers, and two psychedelic nineties boys appeared next to Mabel.

“Whoa, where are we, Craz?” one asked.

“We must be in heaven, Xyler,” Craz said, pointing at Mabel. “‘Cause I just saw an angel!”

The girl hugged Craz’s thigh, the highest she could reach on the giant dude-bro, with a giddy smile. “I’m never letting go of your leg!”

“YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE, KIDS,” Bill warned. “TURN AROUND NOW BEFORE YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU MIGHT REGRET. LATER, SUCKERS!”

With that, Bill crashed through the Mind Shack, leaving the group behind.

“We’re going in!” Dipper declared with determination, before casting a sidelong glance at his sister. “... Mabel, can we leave those guys out here? Looking at them hurts my eyes…”

“No!” Mabel insisted. “They can help us!”

“Totally!” both neon boys said. “Arm throne!”

Xyler and Craz proceeded to pick Mabel up and carry her in their arms. The girl giggled happily, while her brother facepalmed.

The group walked into the Shack, and looked on in awe at the sight. Naturally, the structure was way bigger on the inside than out. There were stairways up, down, and all around the place. Physics seemed be more of a suggestion than anything else.

Dipper looked at some of the doors. He saw a heavily locked one labeled “Fears”. Another had a glowing light creeping out from behind it, with a plank that read “Hopes”. And one that-

‘ _ Got it, _ ’ Dipper thought, seeing the door that led to Stan’s memories. “This way, everyone.”

The group stepped into the memories part of Stan’s mind. Dipper had hoped it would be something simple, like a series of filing cabinets to look through, but he had no such luck. Inside the room was an even more expansive, yet intricate maze of doors. Some were already open, showing various moments that had happened relatively recently. One showed Stan playing that game show, another was him at the Shack’s party night, and another of him being stuck in the stockades during Pioneer Day, to name a few. Dipper wondered is more recent memory doors stayed open naturally, or if these were signs that Bill had already searched them. Either way, they needed to move fast.

“Come on,” Mabel said pointing forward, “we’ve gotta find the code before Bill does!”

“Mabel is talking!” Craz said.

“So rad!” Xyler exclaimed.

“Let’s get searching!” Soos proclaimed.

The gang split up to search more doors faster. Dipper looked into one and saw Stan sitting in a prison cell with two other guys.

“Jorge, Rico,” Memory Stan said, “you’re the two best Colombian prison friends a fellah could make.”

“Espero que muera,” Jorge said ( **T/N:** “Espero que muera” means “I hope he dies”).

“Sí,” Rico agreed ( **T/N:** “Sí” means “Sí”).

‘ _ Moving on… _ ’ Dipper thought, closing the door.

While that was happening, Soos opened a door and saw Stan as a door to door salesman.

“Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum?” Memory Stan asked. “Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything!”

Memory stan got the door slammed in his face.

“Gotta work on that…”

“Nope,” Soos said, shutting the door.

Meanwhile, Mabel found a particularly interesting door.

“Whoa,” Mabel marvelled. “It’s Stan’s date with Lazy Susan!”

While Mabel proceeded to find out exactly why Stan refused to tell her about that date, Dipper spotted a door labeled “Dipper Memories”. Curious, he approached the door and hesitantly peeked inside.

He instantly recognized the scene. It was from a few days ago. Stan had gotten him to go out and chop up a bunch of firewood. Dipper had been a bit annoyed at the time, since Stan always seemed to make him to the hard work, but he’d accepted it as a way to stay in shape. Dipper had always wondered why Stan seemed determined to give him the chores that were the most physically gruelling, but he’d just kind of rolled with it for the sake of not causing unnecessary issues. Maybe he’d learn something here.

Stan and Soos sat on the porch, watching Dipper as he struck the logs with his axe.

“Dude, Stan,” Soos spoke in a low tone, “I’ve been meaning ask you. Why are you so hard on Dipper all the time?”

“Look, Soos, I’m gonna let you in on something,” Stan responded. “Wanna know what I really think?”

Dipper leaned in to hear what was being said.

“The kid’s a punk,” Stan whispered. “He’s nothing but trouble! I just wanna get rid of him.”

Dipper’s eyes widened. ‘ _ Is that… is that really what Stan thinks of me? _ ’

Hearing that… hurt. More than Dipper would’ve expected. He’d hadn’t really gotten close to Stan. At least, not like Mabel had. But hearing the admission from Stan himself… Dipper had actually thought he had gained Stan’s respect. But apparently he’d been mista-

“Heh, yeah,” Stan said. “Those are all things people said about me when I was a boy.”

Dipper blinked. “Huh?”

“When I was a kid, I was a total wimp,” Stan explained. “‘Til my old man put me through some boxing lessons. I got stronger, and never wanted to go back. Figured if anyone ever tried to hurt me, I’d just hurt them worse. I felt like I was on top of the world. But turns out, when your Plan A for problems is just ‘Punch ‘em’, not a whole lotta people like ya. So I got angry, and got into more fights. Pretty soon all I had left was… Well, eventually I didn’t have anyone that’d put up with me.”

Stan looked off wistfully, before turning back to Soos.

“I see a lot of myself in that kid,” Stan said. “Sometimes I worry I see too much of myself. You ever hear about what those two did before gettin’ shipped out here?”

“It was like a, uh… a fight, right dude?” Soos asked. “Something about a milk carton.”

Stan shuddered. “Don’t remind me. Yeesh… Point is, I could saved myself a lot of trouble if I’d had a better way to get my anger out. That’s why I have Dipper do all this stuff. It’s a good way to let off steam, and a way to remember just because you break stuff, doesn’t mean you can’t make stuff too.”

At that, Stan gestured to the pile of firewood Dipper had next to him. The memory of the boy took off his letterman, exposing his black sleeveless workout shirt fully. He wiped the sweat off of his brow, a satisfied smile on his face as he grabbed the last log.

“He’s a good kid,” Stan said. “Smarter than I was at his age, too. He’s just been through a lot. When I think about where he came from, I’m actually proud of how good he’s turning out. Just... don’t ever tell him that. His head is big enough as it is.”

Soos laughed. “That’s true.”

Dipper grinned, closing the door. Maybe his grunkle wasn’t so bad. He seemed to have faith the boy, and thought he was clever to boot. Most teachers couldn’t get past his reputation, and barely even acknowledged his grades. Several actually accused him of cheating, simply because they didn’t think the class delinquent could actually be the smartest kid in class. Knowing that Stan actually recognized he was more than some punk, that he actually believed in Dipper… It felt good.

Wait a minute. Dipper had always said that his mind was his best weapon. And they were actually in the Mindscape. What if…

Dipper focused on the hole Bill had blasted in his chest. He pictured his normal chest, what is looked like, what it felt like. He took in a deep breath, and felt the hole in his chest shrink. Another deep breath and it was even smaller. One last deep breath, and Dipper was as good as new.

“Heh,” Dipper said with a smirk. “How about that.”

Dipper’s attention was suddenly grabbed by a loud crashing sound in the distance. Face growing determined, the boy rushed off.

Unbeknownst to Dipper, the memory of Stan gained a smile as he ran off, eyeing the closed door next to him.

“Way to use that head of yours,” Stan said as he relaxed into his seat. “Go get ‘em, kid.”

 

**_… reilraE…_ **

 

“Sweet Sally!” Mabel exclaimed, slamming a door shut.

“We shall never speak of this again,” Soos said with a serious tone. “Agreed?”

“Agreed,” Mabel said with a nod.

“We’ve been searching forever!” Soos said (even though it had only been a few minutes). “What if the triangle guy finds the memory before we do?”

“If we wanna find Stan’s memory, we gotta think like Stan,” Mabel said. “He’s always hiding stuff, right?”

“Yeah!” Soos agreed.

“Like…” Mabel thought aloud. “... Liiiiiiiiiike, how he hides his arrest warrants under that rug in the gift shop!”

Mabel ran out in an instant, darting to the rug near the entrance to Stan’s memory room. She slid to  a stop, yanking the rug off of the ground as she did. Mabel smiled triumphantly as she saw a trapdoor where the carpet had been.

“Soos, this is it!” Mabel exclaimed as Soos, Xyler, and Craz approached.

Mabel opened the door and saw a memory of Stan putting the deed to the Shack into his safe.

“There ya go,” Stan said as he closed the safe door. “And now to input the code. Thirteen, forty-four, and finally-”

“We found it!” Mabel said with a fist pump.

“Awesome!” Soos said with his own fist pump.

“But what do we do now?” Xyler and Craz both asked. “Jinx!”

“Let’s just destroy the door before Bill can find it,” Mabel said.

At that, Mabel saw a suit of armor with a battle-ax. She ran over and grabbed the weapon, and turned to smash the trapdoor.

“Wait!” Soos said suddenly. “Maybe I should do it! My big fat arms are great at destroying stuff!”

“It’s fine, Soos,” Mabel said. “I got thi-.”

“Hey guys!” another Soos said as he walked up to the group. “I just saw a memory of Stan roller skating and wearing short-shorts! Didn’t look... didn’t look that bad!”

It was then that Soos realized that there was another him already with the group.

“Hey,” the new Soos said, suspicious, “something weird is goin’ on here.”

Mabel’s face fell. “Uh oh.”

At that, the first Soos started laughing as his eyes started glowing blue. The trapdoor lifted off the ground, surrounded by the same blue light. The laughing Soos began changing, body flattening and shrinking, and eyes melding into one.

And just like that, Bill was before them.

“BOY, YOU KIDS SURE ARE GULLIBLE!” Bill laughed. “I KNEW YOU’D LEAD ME STRAIGHT TO THE CODE! AH HA HA! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! IT’S FUNNY HOW DUMB YOU ARE.”

“Hey!” Mabel exclaimed indignantly.

“HEH HEH, THE COMBINATION TO STAN’S SAFE!” Bill said, looking at the door he held with his powers. “BOY, THAT WAS EVEN EASIER THAN I THOUGHT!”

“Give us back that door!” Mabel shouted.

“OH, WELL SINCE YOU ASKED, SURE!” Bill said, before flying off. “LATER, SUCKERS! AH HA HA HA HA!”

Bill zipped quickly away from the group, leaving them in the dust with ease. When he was deeper in Stan’s memories, the triangle’s bowtie started buzzing. He stopped landing to take the call. He tapped his tie, and the apparel spread out into a screen on him, revealing Gideon’s face.

“Y’ELLO?” the yellow pyramid greeted.

“Bill!” Gideon said urgently. “Did you find the memory with the combination yet?”

“RELAX, SHORT STACK,” Bill said dismissively. “I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.”

Gideon laughed evilly at the news. “Perfect! Now give it to me and we’ll finish our bargain.”

“FINALLY!” Bill responded. “IT’S- YOU GOT A PEN THERE? IT’S THIRTEEN, FORTY-FOUR-”

Out of nowhere, the trapdoor was knocked out of Bill’s hands by a familiar battle-axe.

“Bullseye!” Mabel shouted as she, Soos, Xyler, and Craz ran up to the triangle.

“AH!” Bill exclaimed in surprise as he stumbled after the door. “NO NO NO! WAIT, NO!”

The trapdoor tumbled through another memory door, one of Stan outside the Mystery Shack.

“-and none more bottomless than the bottomless pit!” Memory Stan said. “Which you can see here is bottomless.”

As the trapdoor entered the memory, it fell straight into the bottomless pit.

“Whooh!” Memory Stan said. “Whatever that was, it’s gone forever!”

“Ha ha!” Mabel laughed. “Boom!”

“Mabel did it!” Xyler and Craz exclaimed.

“The Shack is safe!” Soos shouted triumphantly.

Gideon fumed. “The deal’s off!”

“WA-WAIT!” Bill stuttered. “NO! WAIT!”

“I’m switchin’ to Plan B!” Gideon said as he cut contact with the triangle.

The yellow in Bill’s body shattered, crumbling around him. He suddenly looked at the gang who dared oppose him, body returning in an angry neon red.

“ _ YOU! _ ” Bill shouted, rounding on the group. “YOU CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE WHAT YOU JUST COST ME! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I’M LIKE **WHEN I’M MAD!?!?!** ”

Several symbols flashed across Bill’s eye, and a ring of red fire surrounded the everyone. Suddenly, a giant rock the shape of Stan’s head shot up from beneath the floorboards. The group struggled to stay on their feet as the rock shot up into the sky, before eventually stopping. Mabel looked back at Bill, and saw that the triangle was growing into a towering size, his shadow looming over the entire platform.

“Huh,” Soos said at the sight. “So I guess he gets really mad when he gets mad.”

“ **EAT NIGHTMARES!** ” Bill howled in his demonic voice.

“Nightmares?” Soos asked. “Hope he doesn’t mean that British dog-man I’m always dreaming about…”

Lo and behold, Bill shot a beam that created a bipedal bulldog in a suit and holding a cane.

“‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello!” the dog-man said while poking Soos with his cane. “Who’s crike for a stick in the pudding?”

“It’s everything I’ve ever feared!” Soos screamed as he ran away.

“YOU!” Bill shouted as he struck Mabel with a bolt of lightning.

Mabel shuddered as she felt her limbs ballooning up. Her muscles vanished, skin swelling until she was little more than a ball of flesh. As she rolled around on the rock, she felt her face bloat as well, her skin turning green as pimples appeared all over her and gaining an impossibly large underbite.

“My cool!” Mabel wailed in a low, distorted voice. “My cuteness! I have nothing left!”

While Mabel proceeded to give new meaning to the phrase “ugly crying”, Bill looked at Xyler and Craz.

“YOU’RE NEXT!” the giant shape declared pointing at the figments.

“Cool!” Craz said. “We’re next!”

The two imaginary guys started dancing, before Bill disintegrated them both with a single shot.

“My dream boys!” Mabel gurgled, voice warping further.

“AND NOW TO FINISH YOU ONCE AND FOR ALL!” Bill shouted as he began charging up red lightning in his finger.

Mabel tried moving, but she could only wave her hands and feet. She tried rolling herself out of the way, but couldn’t build up enough momentum. Soos was knocked into her, having been struck by the dog-man’s cane. The two looked up in time to see Bill fire right at them. They closed their eyes, bracing for the fatal blow.

And were surprised when it never came.

Both opened their eyes, and saw Dipper floating in the air in front of them, holding a building size shield that protected them from Bill’s attack.

“ _ WHAT!?! _ ” the dream demon exclaimed in shock.

“Hey Bill!” Dipper shouted as his shield vanished and a high-tech looking glove appeared on his hand. “Now we’re-!”

The boy threw a punch straight at the titanic triangle, and as he did, his gauntlet grew to an equally titanic size. With a loud shattering sound, Dipper punch a hole right through Bill’s center.

“-even!” Dipper finished, making the glove vanish.

Bill let out a pained cry at the injury, unable to believe that he’d actually been attacked.

“Dipper!” Mabel called out.

“Dude!” Soos exclaimed.

Dipper saw their problems, and snapped his fingers. In an instant, Mabel went back to normal, and the British dog-man vanished.

“Guys!” Dipper shouted down at them. “We’re in the Mindscape! You can do anything you can imagine!”

“WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT!?” Bill yelled. “DON’T LISTEN TO HIM!”

“Anything?” Mabel asked, smirking. “Like having super bouncy spring limbs?”

As soon as she said the words, her arms and legs began coiling into springs. She flexed her arms and bent her legs, making sure they still worked right. When she found out they did, she laughed giddily, and shot into the air. She pictured floating rocks for her to bounce off of, and they appeared just in time for her to use. She jumped all around the gargantuan triangle, landing spring-loaded punches and kicks as she zipped around the demon.

Bill growled in frustration, trying to hit Mabel out of the sky, but she was moving too fast. When she flew at him, he created a jello spider web in front of him. Mabel got caught in it, and the jello converged around her, trapping her in a gelatin cube. She tried eating her way out, but immediately spit the stuff out.

“It tastes like grape jelly and mustard!” Mabel sputtered from inside the oddly-flavored prison. “Gross!”

“GOTCHA NOW, YOU LITTLE- ARGH!” Bill shouted as he was cut off by a rainbow colored question mark laser.

“Soos Love Stomach Beam Stare!” Soos shouted, firing the blast from his gut.

While Soos kept Bill busy, Dipper flew over to Mabel’s prison. Dipper conjured up a red and purple sword and used it to slice apart the jello.

Mabel wiped the last of the terrible tasting treat off of her, floating alongside her brother.

“Thanks bro,” she said, before looking back to Bill.

“ENOUGH GAMES!” Bill exclaimed, his eye turning into a laser cannon.

“Laser-Proof Fish Bowl!” Mabel shouted.

Just as Bill fired,  giant fishbowl, complete with water, rocks, and a toy castle, dropped over Bill’s top corner, covering his eye. When the laser fired, it bounced off the insides of the bowl. It hit Bill and his top hat several, turning them both into swiss cheese before finally dissipating.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” Bill shouted, clawing at the bowl.

“I feel like seafood,” Dipper said, snapping his fingers. “And I think they see food.”

Bill flinched as Dipper’s snap created dozens of piranhas in his fishbowl, and they all began eating the triangle.

“ _ AH! AAAAAAAAAAARRGHHH!!! _ ” Bill yelled as the began ripping away at him.

“Rise, Xyler!” Mabel called out. “Rise, Craz!”

The two boys floated up, reforming in the glow of neon stage lights. Craz had a drumset with him, and Xyler had a synthesizer. The two began playing their instruments, and Bill started writhing.

“NO!” Bill cried as the fish continued to eat him. “SYNTHESIZED MUSIC! IT HURTS THE MOST!”

“You like nightmares, Bill!?” Dipper shouted. “Here’s one for you! A one-way portal to an empty void of nothingness! C’mon guys!”

The whole gang began focusing on what they wanted, and sure enough, a dark rift appeared below Bill. The triangle started getting sucked into the portal, and his eye widened.

“NO, NO, NO!” Bill shouted. “ENOUGH!!!”

Suddenly, everything vanished. The Mindscape became a white void, with all of the trios creations vanishing, save the two neon boys. Bill returned to his yellow color, shrinking back down to his regular size, and all his damage recovering in an instant.

“YOU KNOW, I’M IMPRESSED WITH YOU GUYS,” Bill said as he brushed of his hat. “YOU’RE MORE CLEVER THAN YOU LOOK. ESPECIALLY THE FAT ONE.”

Soos elbowed Mabel, and whispered, “He’s talking about you!”

“SO I’M GONNA LET YOU KIDS OFF THE HOOK,” Bill continued. “YOU MIGHT COME IN HANDY LATER.  **BUT KNOW THIS:** A DARKNESS APPROACHES. A DAY WILL COME IN THE FUTURE WHEN EVERYTHING YOU CARE ABOUT WILL CHANGE! UNTIL THEN I’LL BE WATCHING YOU!  _ I’LL BE WATCHING YOU… _ ”

With a flash of light, Bill vanished. The gang all looked at each other, confirming everyone was okay. Slowly, as their victory dawned on them, they all broke into a smile. Even Dipper.

“He’s gone!” Mabel cheered. “We did it!”

At that moment, the three real people began disappearing.

“Stan must be waking up,” Dipper said.

Mabel looked sadly at her two dream boys. “Will I ever see you guys again?”

“In your dreams,” Craz said with a soulful nod.

“Good one, bro,” Xyler said somberly. “Good one.”

And like that, the world blinked out of existence.

 

**_… nI eht kcahS…_ **

 

Dipper’s eyes snapped open. He sat up, rubbing his forehead as he looked around. He was on the floor next to Stan’s recliner, and saw that Soos and Mabel were each getting up.

Mabel blinked her eyes groggily for a bit, before realizing that they were back. “We did it!”

“What?” Stan grumbled as he woke up. “Did what? What are you all doing here? And why was I dreaming of two brightly colored and radical young men?”

Dipper grinned at the old man, and remembered what he’d heard in his memories. “Grunkle Stan?”

“Yeah, kid?” Stan asked as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “What is it?”

“I…” Dipper started. “I-uh… Thanks. Thanks for everything you did for us. Thanks for caring.”

Stan blinked, before looking away and laughing awkwardly. “Wh-What, you, ah, turnin’ into a sap on me, kid?”

“Just keeping cool,” Dipper said. “Using my head. Y’know?”

For a split second, Dipper could’ve sworn he saw a proud smile on his grunkle’s face.

“I got no idea what you’re talkin’ about,” Stan said. “Now help me up outta this thing.”

Dipper pulled the old man up, smile on his face.

“Group hug!” Soos declared, before realizing no one was moving in to take him up on it. “... No? I never know the right time!”

Mabel and Stan started laughing, and even Dipper snickered a bit, but all three were soon cut off by the whole Shack shaking. Without warning, the wall behind the couch exploded, knocking the four back. Dipper brushed some rubble off of him, and looked back to see what had happened.

He didn’t like what he saw.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Pines family,” Gideon said as he walked through the new hole in the wall. “Did I wake you?”

“But… we defeated Bill!” Mabel exclaimed, rising to her shaky legs.

“Bill failed me!” Gideon snapped. “So I switched to Plan B: Dynamite!”

“What? Bill? Who?” Stan rambled, wincing at the ringing in his ears. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Spoiler alert, Stanford!” Gideon taunted, dangling a piece of paper in front of the disoriented family. “I’ve got the deed! The Mystery Shack belongs to me! So get out of my property!”

“Why you-!” Dipper growled, before stumbling forward.

The explosion had thrown him for a loop, and from the feel of things, his body was lethargic after being in Stan’s mind. One look at Mabel told him she was having similar issues. They couldn’t hope to overpower Gideon like this. Gideon picked up on their weakened states, and his smile grew even wider as he pulled out a walkie-talkie.

“Daddy?” Gideon spoke into the device. “Bring it around the front.”

“I don’t suppose there’s any chance we’re still dreaming, is there?” Dipper asked, already knowing the answer.

The group ran out of the building as Bud Gleeful rolled up to the Shack with a wrecking ball, watching helplessly as the Mystery Shack was smashed to pieces.

“Someone pinch me, dude…” Soos said, disbelief all over his face.

The group flinched as a large piece of the Mystery Shack sign crashed to the dirt in front of them.

The twins shared a nervous look with each other.

What would happen to them now?

 

**20-24-1-0   11   24-5-7   19-15-0-7-14-0!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (pokes head out from behind a corner hesitantly)
> 
> ... heh, heh. Uh, hey everyone. Welcome back to Fighting in the-
> 
> (narrowly dodges tomato thrown at face)
> 
> ... Okay, elephant in the room. Those of you you have read Buryooooo's Fight Falls comics (and if you haven't, what are you even doing, the web address is in the summary) you may have noticed something... off, about this chapter. Namely being that I went with the canon version of Bill, and not his Fight Falls version. I have several reasons for this.  
> First, I'm not really a fan of humanoid Bills. Yeah, it makes him look more anime, or whatever, but the bizarreness of Bill's design is part of what I like about him.  
> On a similar note, the Fight Falls version of Bill uses the "Red Demon" version of the character, and... honestly, I find this version kinda boring. It just makes him more generically evil, and takes the fun out of the character. I figured regular Bill would be more fun to write, and hopefully more fun to read.  
> And finally, that frickin' name. Buryooooo decided to call Red Bill "Kill Cipher" and it's a decision that, to this day, I disagree with. I think it sounds dumb, but that's just my opinion. Less opinionated is the issue it raises in-story. Why on earth would ANYONE trust someone who's first name literally means "murder"? A few bits of flattery should not distract from that obvious red flag. So ultimately, I decided to go with regular Bill. Only time, and your feedback, will tell if that was a good decision.
> 
> With that out of the way, on to the chapter trivia. There isn't too much to say about this chapter, really. I'd realized it would be very similar to the original episode, so I tried to fit this all into a single chapter, instead of spreading it out into two. Though, one fun thing to note is that Bill's dialogue is all capitalized. This was done because in a Reddit AMA, Bill said he thinks in all caps. So naturally, I had to incorporate that into this story. Because I find obscure factoids way too amusing.
> 
> Anyway, I think that's all the important stuff. As always, feel free to leave any likes, dislikes, questions, and flames for not using Fight Falls!Bill in the comments below. Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a great day.


	16. The Rise of Gideon: Part 1

Dipper’s sleep was restless. Filled with loud crashing, sounds of construction equipment, and the splintering of wood. With the sight of mechanical monsters ripping his new home to shreds, of Gideon standing over the rubble, and the setting sun becoming a lone eye staring at him as Bill’s laugh echoed through his mind.

Dipper woke with a start, panting heavily. He glanced around the living room. After Gideon had kicked them out of the Shack, the Pines family had no choice but to move in with Soos’ grandmother. Dipper had fallen asleep on the pull-out couch he and Soos had to share. Mabel and Stan each had their own sleeping bags on the floor, and Soos’ grandma was sitting in her recliner.

“Shh,” the elderly woman hushed. “Por favor.”

“Sorry, Abuelita,” Dipper apologized, rubbing his tired eyes.

“Yeah, quit it with the night terrors,” Stan said. “The news is finally on.”

“In a movement that has all of Gravity Falls buzzing,” Shandra Jimenez said on the TV, “child psychic Gideon Gleeful has taken surprise ownership of the Mystery Shack, previously belonging to area shyster, Stanford Pines.”

At that, an image of Stan in a devil costume surrounded by fire was put up on screen.

“That picture’s taken out of context,” Stan said.

“Now that you have the Shack, what exactly are you planning to do with it?” Shandra asked Gideon.

“I have a big announcement to make today,” the boy said happily, “and I’d like to cordially invite all the good people of Gravity Falls to join me. Free admission to anyone who wears their Gideon pins! It’s my face!”

With a final wink from Gideon, Stan shut off the TV in annoyance.

“I can’t believe Gideon got the Shack,” the old man said somberly. “I never thought he’d actually do it.”

Dipper looked away guiltily. Stan didn’t know it, but as far as the boy was concerned, this was all his fault. In retrospect, using Bill as a distraction while Gideon brute-forced his way through the safe seemed like an incredibly obvious play. And yet, Dipper hadn’t even considered the possibility until it was too late. So much for being the one that used his head.

“So you lost the Shack,” Soos said. “Look on the bright side, dudes! Now you get to live here with me, Soos! Hey, anyone want to play race cars? They’re out of batteries but we can make pretend.”

“... We gotta get the Shack back,” Stan said.

 

**_… ehT txen yad, ta eht kcahS…_ **

 

“Hello, Gravity Falls!” Gideon greeted from his stage in front of the Shack.

The large crowd began applauding at the child performer as he did several stage bows.

“Gideon is the psychic-est,” Lazy Susan said to Toby Determined as they clapped. “He guessed the secret ingredient to my coffee omelette!”

“Somehow he knew about my horrifying secret birthmark!” Toby chimed in.

“I love that child psychic so much!” Manly Dan exclaimed.

While Manly Dan proceeded to choke the life out of Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland due to his emotions, the Pines family plus Soos snuck into the back of the crowd wearing black trench coats and fedoras (nice), with Mabel even wearing glasses and a fake mustache. Well, Soos wasn’t wearing a fedora (heretic!), but rather his usual cap, with a paper that said “Not Soos” taped on it.

“We’re in,” Mabel said, trying her best at a secret agent voice.

“If anyone asks,” Soos said, pointing to his hat, “I’m not Soos.”

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Gideon declared, grabbing the audience’s attention. “Today I am delighted to announce my plans for the former Mystery Shack. I give you... Gideonland!”

The crowd cheered as Gideon unveiled a small model of what the amusement park would look like. A few rides, a roller coaster, and a giant statue of Gideon in the center. Dipper thought that it didn’t look all that impressive for a theme park, but the rest of the audience seemed to think it was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

“We’re gonna turn this dirty ol’ shack into three square miles of Gideon-tertainment,” the child performer announced. “And introducin’ our new mascot, Lil’ Gideon Jr.!”

Bud Gleeful pulled a cover off of something in his hand, revealing Waddles dressed up in a Gideon costume.

“Boom, he’s a pig!” Gideon said with a smile.

“Waddles!” Mabel cried. “You monster!”

“All right, that’s it!” Stan said as he ripped off his disguise and pushed to the front of the crowd.

The Pines pushed their way onto the stage, Stan taking over the microphone.

“Listen up, people!” the old man announced. “Gideon’s a fraud! This kid broke in and stole my property!”

“Arrest him, officers!” Mabel said to the two cops.

The girl looked to her side, expecting her brother to chime in, but was confused to see that he was still in the crowd, wearing his disguise. She gave her brother an angry “get your butt up here” look, but he just shook his head.

“Such accusations!” Gideon said, feigning hurt. “Mr. Pines, I recall you gave the property to me. Look, here’s the deed right here!”

Gideon pulled the deed out of his suit, and the sheriff and deputy each nodded.

“Well,” Blubs said, “that’s all the proof I need to see.”

“I love you, Lil’ Gideon!” Durland cried out. “Sing them funny songs!”

At his legal approval, Gideon snapped his fingers. Two extra burly bodyguards walked up behind Stan and Mabel. The two Pines were grabbed, arms pinned behind their back, and carried off the stage. Mabel thrashed violently, but couldn’t break out of the vice grip she was held in.

“Hey!” Mabel exclaimed. “Lemme go!”

“Now get off my property, old man!” Gideon spat, slapping a Lil’ Gideon pin on Stan’s suit.

“I’ll show you who’s the old man!” Stan shouted, before wincing at an ear-splitting sound. “Ow, my hearing aid! Ow!”

Gideon laughed as the two were escorted off stage. “Thanks for visiting Gideonland, friends! Don’t come back, I don’t care for y’all.”

Dipper and Soos met up with Mabel and Stan as they were shoved off of the premises. Mabel stuck her tongue out at the guy who manhandled her, kicking a rock in his direction.

“You try that again and you’re gonna be in a world of hurt!” Mabel shouted at his back, before rounding on her brother. “What the heck, Dipper!? Why didn’t you come up with us!?”

“Because going up on stage and accusing Gideon of stealing the Shack was never going to accomplish anything,” Dipper responded simply. “In case you haven’t noticed, Gideon has the entire town wrapped around his finger. No one is going to believe he stole it.”

“Well, we have to do something!” Mabel exclaimed.

“We have to do something that’ll work,” Dipper corrected. “We’ve gotta be smart about this, or we’ll never get the Shack back.”

“We’d better get it back.”

The kids turned and saw Wendy rolling up to the group on a bicycle.

“If I can’t work at the Shack, my dad’s gonna force me to move upstate to work at my cousin’s logging camp,” Wendy said dejectedly.

“What?” Dipper asked, momentarily unable to hide his disappointment. “You’re leaving town?”

Wendy nodded with a sad look, before a grimace took over her face. “Oh man, guys. Don’t look now.”

“Take me back, Wendy!” Robbie called as he stepped out of the brush, lifting a boombox playing sad music over his head. “My arms are too skinny to keep holding this boombox forever!”

The redhead let out an annoyed huff and rolled her eyes as she started pedalling off. “I was never here.”

“Have you been getting my texts?” Robbie shouted as he chased after the girl. “Do I need to send you more texts? Wendy!”

“... Is it wrong that that made me feel a bit better?” Dipper asked his sister.

Mabel thought for a moment. “Naw, pathetic Robbie is best Robbie.”

 

**_… retaL, ta s’atileubA esuoh…_ **

 

“Don’t worry, your son and daughter are fine,” Stan said over the phone. “I put ‘em up in- Okay, okay. You sure though? Cause I can always … Oh. No matter what, huh? Okay, sure. We can do that. N-No, it’s no trouble! Not at all! Right, I’ll, uh… keep ‘em outta your hair, then. Yeah, talk later. I’ll let you know if there’s any problems. Hello? You there...?”

Stan hung up the phone and glanced around Abuelita’s kitchen. Frayed wires on the toaster, mess everywhere, and a fridge with only a mostly-finished jug of milk. He checked his his pockets, but they were empty. No funds at all.

The old man sighed. ‘ _ What am I gonna do…? _ ’

While Stan was realizing just how few options he had, Dipper leant against the wall outside the kitchen, grimacing. He’d heard the conversation, and could guess what his parents had said. Dipper wished he could say he was surprised that his parents didn’t want them back until summer was over, but that was pretty much what he’d expected. Their parents likely wouldn’t let them back home early even if they wound up homeless.

So running away wasn’t an option. That was fine by him. Running never was his style anyway. It was win or lose, succeed or fail, get their home back or live under a bridge for the next month and a half.

Game on, Gideon.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ta eht kcahS…_ **

 

Gideon laughed as he threw a family photo of Stan and the twins in the fireplace, the image burning nicely. The boy began leafing through the pages of Journal 2, looking for the specific page he needed.

While he was looking, he became distracted by a scratching sound. He turned and saw Waddles trying to escape through the window. Gideon harshly blew a dog whistle, causing Waddles to fall over and cringe in pain.

“You!” Gideon barked. “Back to your corner!”

Waddles darted back to his designated corner, shivering in fear and whimpering softly. Gideon gave the pig a nod, looking back to his book as Bud Gleeful walked into the room.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you boy,” Bud said. “Shouldn’t you be celebratin’ Gideonland instead of stickin’ your head in that there book all day?”

“Father, have I ever told you the true nature of this book?” Gideon asked.

“Ah, well no, son,” Bud answered, not sure what the boy was getting at.

“It was written many years ago,” Gideon explained, “by a brilliant unknown Author who learned secrets too powerful for one man. He hid his Journals where he thought no one would ever find ‘em. Because he knew that if the Journals were ever bought together, they would unleash a gateway to an unimaginable power.”

“Unimaginable power?” Bud asked.

“A device of great and terrible capabilities,” Gideon clarified. “His instructions on where it is and how to find it are split between the Journals. Codes and maps within my Journal have led me to believe that the other book is buried somewhere on this very property, and I intend to find it!”

“So that’s why you wanted the Mystery Shack,” Bud said.

“That’s right, Father,” Gideon answered with a nod as he grabbed his shovel. “It’s time to begin the search for the other Journal!”

 

**_… ehT txen yad…_ **

 

“Hum, dum, da-dum,” Mabel mumbled to herself as she stirred a pot of pink liquid. She sniffed the concoction, satisfied, and set a lid over the pot to let the mixture settle. As she looked at her cooking creation, she heard steps approach her from behind. She turned around and smiled at the sight of her brother entering the kitchen.

“Morning, Bro,” Mabel greeted.

“Mabel, we need to…” Dipper trailed off as he saw the steaming pot cooking on the stove. “What are you doing?”

“Everyone’s been kinda down,” Mabel said with a light tone. “What with the whole ‘losing our home and Waddles to Gideon’ thing. So I figured I’d cook up a nice treat to lift our spirits while we figure out a way to grind Gideon into a chubby, manicured paste.”

Dipper’s eyes widened. “Tell me that’s not-”

“Mabel Soup!” the girl confirmed happily. “Abuelita didn’t have any sprinkles, but she had some pretty-looking glitter that I figured would work.”

“Uh-huh…” Dipper said with a nod, and a step back. “I just remembered I have to… not be here.”

“Dipper?” Mabel called as her brother dashed out of the room, unaware of the shuddering pot behind her. “Where are you go-?”

The chef(?) was cut off, as the shaking of the pot jostled the lid loose. As the cover started to slip off, the concoction within exploded out of the pot. In an instant the entire kitchen was coated in a thick pink goop. Mabel blinked as most of her body was covered in the surprisingly sticky slime. She stuck out her tongue and licked some of the goo off her face. With an experimental taste, she chewed and swallowed the “soup”.

“Hm,” Mabel said. “Maybe it needs more cornstarch?”

Dipper poked his head back into the kitchen. “You should seriously sell the recipe for this stuff to the military.”

“NEVER!”

Dipper sighed. “I’ll get the Windex. After we clean this up, we need to talk.”

 

**_… enO gninaelc noisses (dna ynam seigolopa) retal…_ **

 

Dipper and Mabel sat on Abuelita’s front porch.

“Okay Mabel,” Dipper said. “Stan’s out of ideas and we’re about to be homeless. We’ve gotta figure out a way to get the deed to the Shack back from Gideon.”

“Alright!” Mabel said with a fist pump. “We’ll storm over there, beat up his guards, and rip the deed from Gideon’s chubby, baby-soft hands!”

Dipper swatted his sister on the back of her head. “Haven’t you been paying attention? Last time we took the straightforward approach, Gideon got the deed from us. We have to be smarter this time. Gideon probably knows we can take his two guards, so he’s probably got some other tricks up his sleeve. So we need to have our own backup plan. Fortunately for us, we have the ultimate Gravity Falls strategy guide.”

Dipper pulled out Journal 3, and handed it to Mabel.

“There has to be something in there we can use,” Dipper said.

“Okay,” Mabel said as she began leafing through the pages. “Let’s see what we’ve got... Barf fairy?”

“No,” Dipper said.

“You sure?” Mabel asked. “It could be helpful.

“No,” Dipper repeated with finality.

“Gonna put that one under ‘Maybe’...” Mabel said before looking for something else. “Butternut Squash with a Human Face and Emotions?”

“No,” Dipper said. “If we want to be able to handle whatever Gideon has waiting for us, we’d need some kind of- Army! That’s it!”

“What’s it?” Mabel asked.

Dipper took the Journal back, flipping to the page he’d thought of. When he’d shown it to Mabel, she looked at him with a glare.

“You can’t be serious,” she said flatly.

“Do you have any better ideas on how to get an army?” Dipper asked.

Mabel tried,  _ really _ tried, to come up with a better option. Unfortunately, she couldn’t. And they were  _ pretty _ desperate…

“Fine,” Mabel relented. “Let’s go see the Gnomes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, welcome back to yada, yada, yada.
> 
> Sorry, but I'm a bit rushed. I'm trying to get this chapter up before I have to go babysit my cousins for the day. Sorry about this chapter being on the short side. I thought about putting part of the next chapter on the end of this one to extend the length, but I felt like that messed up the flow of the next chapter. But yeah, since this chapter is so short I don't have too much to say about it. Oh, except that I would love to see a cooking show with Mabel as the host. Hell's Kitchen wouldn't have anything on THAT nightmare.
> 
> Anyway, likes, dislikes, you know the drill by now. Thanks for reading and have a great day.


	17. The Rise of Gideon: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEVERAL IMPORTANT THINGS IN END NOTES PLEASE READ.

“I think this is their hiding spot,” Dipper said as he pushed through the bushes.

“You  _ suuuure _ this is a good idea?” Mabel asked hesitantly.

“This will work, Mabel,” Dipper insisted. “Remember the plan.”

“Right,” Mabel said with a grimace. “... I wonder what Gnomes do out here all alone in the forest?”

Dipper shrugged as the twins made their way out of the brush and into the familiar hidden clearing in the woods. They paused in stunned silence as they saw Jeff the Gnome.

Bathing.

In squirrels.

… What the f-?

“Aaah!” Jeff exclaimed as he saw the twins staring at him with bewildered looks. “This… this is normal. This is normal for Gnomes. Scrub scrub.”

Jeff rubbed a squirrel in his armpits, flashing a hesitant smile. The weirded out looks from the twins told him they didn’t believe him.

Jeff coughed awkwardly. “... Well, well, well. Look who came crawlin’ back. So, changed your mind about marryin’ me, did ya Mabel?”

Dipper had to admit, Jeff’s ability to bounce back into bravado was impressive. Not working, but impressive nonetheless.

“Ew, hardly,” Mabel said, cringing. “We need your help. And seriously, ew!”

“You want our help?” Jeff asked incredulously. “After you left me at the altar? No dice!”

“But what if we were able to get you a new queen?” Mabel asked. “One even more beautiful than me.”

“Her name’s Gideon,” Dipper said, “and she has lovely white hair.”

“Whoa,” Jeff said, interest piqued. “Mature woman, huh? Hey Shmebulock, get my cologne!”

“Shmebulock!” the called Gnome said as he entered with the bottle of cologne.

“Is Shmebulock all you can say?” Jeff asked.

The old Gnome paused for a moment, before nodding dejectedly. “... Shmebulock…”

Jeff shrugged, before extending his hand to Dipper. “It’s a deal!”

Dipper nodded, and shook the Gnome’s hand. ‘ _ And everything falls into place. _ ’

 

**_… elihwnaeM, kcab ta s’atileubA…_ **

 

Stan lounged glumly on the living room couch as Abuelita vacuumed the window curtains. The old man let out a sigh, pondering what his options were. He quickly came to an important conclusion: He didn’t have any options. Gideon had taken everything from him, and Stan had nothing to work with. Even if he did somehow get the deed back, what would that accomplish? The whole town was on Gideon’s side, so even if he stole the deed back, Gideon could accuse him and Stan would get arrested again. There was no way to win like that. Gideon had all the cards. Stan had lost completely.

“How did you do it, kid?” Stan asked as he looked at his Gideon pin. “Why are you always one step ahead? Maybe he really is psychic after- Argh!”

Stan flinched as a painful mechanical shrieking overtook his senses.

“My hearing aid!” Stan growled. “What keeps causing that?”

Stan pulled his hearing aid out and looked it over. It appeared to be in good condition, battery wasn’t running out of power, so why was the thing constantly sounding like the worst kind of feedback from a microphone?

“Wait a minute!” Stan suddenly exclaimed. “That’s it! I know Gideon’s weakness!”

At that moment, Abuelita walked in with a cup. “Would Mr. Pines like a-?”

Stan placed an elated kiss on Abuelita’s lips as he charged out of the room, formulating a fool-proof plan for getting the Shack back.

Abuelita blinked. “... I go vacuum my face.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ta eht kcahS…_ **

 

“Where are you, Journal?” Gideon muttered as he dug various holes in the dirt. “Where are you!?”

“Boy,” Bud said as he approached his son. “I hate to interrupt you, but you have some guests.”

“What?”

“It’s, ah…” Bud stammered. “It’s the, uh, Pines twins.”

Bud had clearly been expecting an angry reaction from his son, frustrated by the interruption by the boy’s enemies. But to his surprise, Gideon actually smirked.

“So they’re finally making their move, eh?” Gideon said confidently. “‘Bout time. This shouldn’t take too long.”

Gideon set down his shovel as he walked to the front of the Shack. He snapped his fingers as he walked past his two burly bodyguards, the jacked men following just behind him as he walked. As Gideon made it to the front of the building, he saw the twins, standing on the other side of the wire fence he’d set up on the edge of the property. He smiled at the glares the siblings were giving him, and clasped his hands together as he walked forward.

“Greetings, you two,” Gideon said, faux friendliness in full effect. “What _ ever _ could’ve brought y’all to the sight of Gideonland?”

“Give us back the deed to the Shack,” Dipper said simply. “Or else.”

Gideon laughed, glancing confidently at his two bodyguards. “Am I supposed to say, ‘Or else what?’”

Mabel gave a nod and shrugged. “Pretty much, yeah.”

At that, the twins suddenly vaulted over the fence. By then, Gideon and his goons had gotten close enough that the two were able to crash their feet right into the guard’s faces as they came down, Dipper landing on the one with all the tattoos and Mabel on the bearded one that had grabbed her earlier at the press conference. As the towering men crashed down on their backs, Dipper and Mabel tucked and rolled as they hit the ground. The bulky guys shot back up immediately to their feet, heads hurting and a bit dazed, but still ready to fight.

As they turned to face their small opponents, the twins slid forward on the grass, each kicking a foot up right into their respective target’s family jewels. The bodyguards howled, hunching over in pain, as the twin quickly rose. Dipper and Mabel, perfectly in sync with each other, landed brutal uppercuts on their opponents’ chins.

The legs of the buff men turned to jelly, and they once again fell to the ground, this time out cold.

“Told you you’d be in a world of hurt,” Mabel taunted her unconscious foe, sticking her tongue out at him again.

Gideon glared at his beaten bodyguards, deciding that they were getting a serious pay cut for this.

“Well, well,” the child performer said, maintaining an air of confidence. “Y’all keep managin’ to surprise me with just how tough you both are.”

“Guess you were smart to use TNT to steal the deed for the Shack out from under us,” Dipper said, glare intensifying.

“Sometimes the most complicated situations have the simplest solutions,” Gideon said with a nod. “But dynamite can’t solve all my problems. If y’all thought you could just storm up here and take the deed back by force, I hate to tell you but that ain’t happening.”

Gideon nodded behind the twins, and they saw a security camera aimed right at them.

“Got them wired up all over the Shack,” Gideon explained. “You lay one hand on wittle ol’ me and I’ll take the tapes to the police. I’ll get the deed back and sue you for every penny you don’t have.”

Gideon laughed at the grimaces the twins got.

“Just give it back!” Mabel whined frustratedly. “It’s ours!”

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Mabel darlin’,” Gideon chuckled. “I stole the deed fair and square, therefore it’s mine. I got this whole hick town wrapped around my wittle ol’ finger. Who do you think those idiots’ll believe?”

“Yeah,” Dipper said. “If only there was some way we could take the deed back so that you couldn’t show the footage to anyone. Oh, wait.”

“NOW GUYS!!!” Mabel shouted.

Suddenly, Gnomes exploded out of the forest, hopping the fence and charging through the wire on the backs of deer. Several Gnome archers (using other Gnomes as arrows, obviously) lined up on the roof of the Shack, locking onto Gideon. Within seconds the boy was completely surrounded by the tiny creatures, being held at razor hat point.

“I guess you could try showing this security footage to the cops,” Dipper said. “But we’ll just point out how obviously fake it is. I mean, what kind of idiot would believe some crazy story about an army of Gnomes stealing a deed from someone?”

“Alright, alright,” Jeff said as he rode up to the three on the head of a deer. “Let’s wrap this up, and let the marriage ceremony begin!”

Gideon sighed as he reached inside his suit. “Very well. I suppose this deed belongs to-”

Suddenly, Gideon pulled out his dog whistle and blew into it hard. As the high-pitched noise rang out, the Gnomes all dropped what they were doing, covering their ears in pain.

“Ha!” Gideon said victoriously. “What do you know? Works on Gnomes too!”

Gideon used his whistle again, and all the Gnomes fell to the group, convulsing in pain.

“Stop! We’ll do anything! How can we serve you your majesty!?!” Jeff cried as he began bowing before Gideon. “The most beautiful girl we’ve ever seen!”

“I am not a girl!” Gideon shouted.

“Really?” Jeff asked. “But your skin is so soft. You moisturize, or…?”

“Subdue them!” Gideon commanded as he pointed at the twins.

The Gnomes grunted and mumbled as they charged Dipper and Mabel. The two tried fighting off the tiny men, but were quickly overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. The twins were held in place, both struggling as the were restrained.

“I have to admit, kids,” Gideon said with a nod and a laugh, “I am impressed by your creativity! How did you ever-?”

“Let go!” Dipper growled as he struggled, before feeling something slide out of his jacket. “No!”

Gideon’s eyes widened as he saw a book fall from Dipper’s letterman. A very familiar book.

“No!” the boy said in shock as he approached the book. “Could it be? Is it…?”

Gideon squealed as he grabbed the book, a smile breaking out across his face.

“It’s mine!” Gideon cackled, looking at Dipper. “It’s finally mine! Now I get it! All this time, I thought you were clever, that you were dangerous, but you were just using Journal Number- 3!?!”

Gideon looked at the front cover of the book for the first time, and saw the 3 written across the golden six-fingered hand. He looked back up at Dipper, confusion evident.

“There are THREE of them?” Gideon asked frantically.

“You didn’t know that?” Dipper asked. “If you knew there was more than one, but not three, then I guess that means you have 2, but not 1, right?”

Gideon flinched, realizing he’d said too much, before his smirk returned. “Sure, but that doesn’t matter now, does it? Now I’ve got your Journal, and you’ve got nothing left!”

“Yeah,” Dipper said, getting a smirk of his own. “I wonder about that…”

Gideon felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was then he realized that he felt some paste-like substance on his thumb. He looked down at the Journal in his hand, and moved his thumb around on the golden hand. His eyes widened in panic as he saw the gold on the hand rub off.

“No…” Gideon said, realization slowly dawning on him. “No no no n-!”

As Gideon opened up the Journal to check the content, he was cut off by a huge mass of pink goop exploding into his face.

Dipper and Mabel both grinned viciously.

 

**_… reilraE, nehw eht sniwt erew ta s’atileubA…_ **

 

“Mabel,” Dipper said as he and his sister looked at the page on the Gnomes. “I’ve been thinking.”

“About why we definitely shouldn’t trust the Gnomes?” Mabel asked hopefully. “And we should do something else?”

“I know we can’t trust the Gnomes,” Dipper said with an eye roll. “With our luck, Gideon will probably do something that’ll get the Gnomes to work for him at the last minute. That’s part of what I wanted to talk about. Something’s been bugging me ever since Gideon got the Shack.”

“Like what?” Mabel asked.

“Like, how did Gideon summon Bill?”

Mabel’s though process stopped as soon as she took in her brother’s question. She narrowed her eyes as she considered the idea.

“... Yeah, how did he summon a super powerful dream demon?” Mabel asked herself. “I mean, we only knew about him because of-”

“The Journal,” Dipper finished with a nod.

At that, the boy opened the front cover of the book and showed the piece of paper that said “Vol. 3”.

“I’ve always known there were more Journals out there,” Dipper explained. “I’ve had this theory for a while, but I think this thing with Bill confirmed it. Gideon has at least one of the Journals. That must be how he knew about Bill, or got his magic amulet.”

“Okay,” Mabel agreed. “That makes sense. But what does that have to do with all of this?”

“Mabel, why do you think Gideon wanted the Shack in the first place?” Dipper asked. “I found Journal 3 near the property, so-”

“So maybe he’s been after the Journal this whole time!” Mabel exclaimed, the pieces falling into place into her head.

“Exactly,” Dipper said with a nod. “And he doesn’t know we have it. We can use that to our advantage.”

“How?” Mabel asked.

“We’ll get the Gnomes to help us,” Dipper stated. “With any luck, we’ll get them to stop any big surprises Gideon has. We might even just him just with that. But if things go wrong, we can use his drive to get the Journal as a backup plan. I need you to flex your arts and crafts muscles and make a fake Journal. We can rig it so that when it opens, we can get him with some of your Mabel Soup.”

“Alright!” Mabel said, clenching her fist. “Chef Mabel is cookin’ up a trap!”

Dipper nodded in satisfaction, before his face scrunched up in thought again. Mabel noticed, and tilted her head in confusion.

“What’s the matter, Bro-Bro?” Mabel asked.

“There’s still the problem of the town,” Dipper said. “Even if we get the deed, Gideon could just accuse us of stealing it and he’d win. We need… I don’t know, something else. Something that would guarantee we keep the deed after getting it.”

The two thought for a moment, before Mabel turned to her brother with a sly grin.

“I’ve got an idea,” the girl said. “And I think you’ll like it.”

 

**_… kcaB ni eht tneserp…_ **

 

‘ _ Still explodes into a sticky mess when exposed to air, _ ’ Dipper thought with a grin as he watched the Mabel Soup coat Gideon’s upper body. ‘ _ Never have I been so thankful for Mabel’s bizarre recipes. _ ’

“Now’s your chance to beat it before he unclogs his whistle,” Mabel said smugly to the Gnomes as Gideon tried ripping the gunk off of his face.

Jeff looked between the twins and the struggling and stumbling Gideon. “Good enough for us. Move out, guys!”

The Gnomes all scampered off, leaving the trio of children behind. Once released, Dipper ran up to Gideon and, careful not to touch the Mabel Soup, slugged the boy right in the stomach. Gideon fell to the ground, the pink goo holding him down. As the performer tried to claw the sludge off of his face, Dipper reached into his suit. With a smirk, Dipper pulled out both the deed to the Shack, and Journal 2.

“Got it!” Dipper called to his sister. “Let’s get this to Stan!”

The twins dashed off through the hole in the fence ripped open by the Gnomes. Gideon, with a mighty tug, ripped the Mabel Soup off of his face. He let out a pained squeal as removing the goop ripped off his eyebrows in the process, and ground his teeth together as he tried to regain his senses. He slipped out of his suit jacket, leaving the blue article of clothing stuck to the ground. As Gideon rose to his feet, panting in anger, he saw the twins hop on a bus heading into town.

“No no no no NO!” Gideon shouted as he ran to the giant statue of himself constructed next to the Shack. “You there!”

Old Man McGucket looked up from the last bit of welding he was doing on the statue.

“Is it ready!?” Gideon shouted at the old inventor.

“Hee hee hee!” McGucket cackled. “Only one way to find out!”

The crazy old guy pulled a lever on the back of the statue’s head, and the metal titan lit up, lights flashing as its mechanics turned on. Gideon stood on a platform before the foot of the statue, and was slowly lifted into its metal leg. As Gideon rose through the statue a skintight motion capture suit was slipped over him. As Gideon rose into the head of the statue, the eyes opened, and he looked out to all before him. He did a twirling motion with his hands and the statue mimicked him perfectly, spinning the Gideonland sign it held before slamming it into the ground. Gideon smirked, satisfied by the mechanical giant’s performance, and got the Gideon-Bot to run off after the bus.

McGucket watched happily as Gideon chased after some children he planned to brutalize with his giant robot. “I’ve got a good feelin’ about that kid!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, no eht sub…_ **

 

“Mr. Bus Driver Guy?” Mabel spoke. “We need to get into town, ASAP!”

“Oh, hey dudes!” the very familiar bus driver said.

“Soos?!” the twins exclaimed in surprise.

“Yeah, it’s me, Soos,” the guy said. “Ever since the Shack closed down, I’ve had to work a bunch of part-time jobs. Grave digger, really awesome cook, and bus driver. So what’s up?”

“We got the deed back!” Mabel exclaimed happily.

“Whoa, seriously?” Soos said with a smile. “That’s awesome news, dudes! You should totally tell that giant robot running up behind us!”

“Giant what now?” the twins asked, before turning to look out the back window.

What they saw was a not-so wittle ol’ Gideon made of metal and hatred charging straight at them.

“Soos, drive!” Dipper shouted urgently.

“Don’t worry guys,” Soos said reassuredly. “I’ve been a part-time bus driver for at least 40 minutes. One of these is probably a clutch…”

Soos fiddled with the bus’ controls for a moment, before they accelerated just out of the robot’s grasp.

“Hang on, dudes!” Soos called back to the kids.

“ **Halt!** ” the Gideon-Bot, applifying Gideon’s voice from inside. “ **I command you to halt!** ”

Soos zigged and zagged across the road, always managing to keep out of the robot’s reach. The driver put the pedal to the metal as he raced into the town, ripping through the streets as the Gideon-Bot stayed close on the trio’s tail. The metal titan, grabbed a streetlight it ran past, tearing it from the concrete.

“ **Give me back my Journal!** ” the robot thundered as threw the streetlight like a javelin.

The three each let out startled exclamations as the streetlight pierced through the top of the bus, impaling itself in the back seats.

“Uh, dudes!” Soos called back. “I don’t think this pointer doo-hickey is supposed to do this!”

The twins glanced up at the console, and saw that the gas meter was dropping from full much faster than it should have.

“Gideon must’ve ruptured the fuel tank!” Dipper shouted. “We’re gonna run out of gas!”

“That’s bad, right?” Soos asked as he swerved out of the way of some pedestrians.

“We need to stop this now!” Dipper yelled over the thundering steps of the metal titan close behind. ‘ _ If only Gideon hadn’t figured out how to handle the Gnomes already. What can we do?! _ ’

Mabel’s eyes lit up, before an uncomfortable groan escaped her lips.

“Okay, I have a plan!” she told her brother, before turning back to the front. “Soos, drive us to the water tower and whatever you do, don’t stop!”

“I’ll try, girl dude!” Soos shouted back as he looked warily at the declining gas.

The chase continued to race through the town, drawing lots of attention as they ripped through the street. As Soos left behind the buildings and bystanders, he drove past some trees, rapidly approaching their destination. Mabel moved back and got up on one of the bus’ seats, opening the escape hatch in the ceiling.

“What are you doing!?” Dipper shouted as his sister climbed out of the bus.

“Just get up here, quick!” Mabel called back.

Dipper shrugged, and jumped off the seat. He gripped the edge of the opening and pulled himself up onto the roof of the bus. He steadied himself as Soos speed toward the watertower.

“ **I’ve got y’all now!** ” the robot shouted as it reached for the twins.

“Mabel!” Dipper shouted, waiting for her brilliant escape plan.

“Not yet!” she yelled back.

The two scooted back, trying to stay out of the Gideon-Bot’s reach. Mabel turned and saw they were almost to the tower. She grabbed onto her brother and reached behind her.

“Hold on tight!” Mabel shouted. “And when I say to…!”

Time slowed in the girl’s mind. The bus was right next to the tower, about to zip past it. She had to wait for the exact moment they passed the tower. Almost.  _ Almost _ -

“Jump!” Mabel shouted.

She and her brother kicked off of the bus roof. They lept to the left, toward the water tower. Just as they were about to fall, Mabel whipped out her grappling hook from behind her, and shot it. The hook latched onto the railing on the top of the tower. The two held tight as they swung around the tower, and back to the robot. Mabel pressed a button on the grapple gun, and the line began retracting, pulling the twins higher up into the air. As the two swung up, Dipper realized they were flying right at the Gideon-Bot’s face.

“Go get him!” Mabel shouted as she threw Dipper ahead of her.

Mabel’s momentum carried her straight up, and soon after she fell back, landing on the platform at the top of the tower. Her legs were shaky from the stunt, and she gripped the railing, refusing to look down. Instead she looked up just in time to see her brother crash through one of the eye-shaped windows of the robot.

“AAAAARRGH!!!” Dipper roared as he flew into the robot.

“What in the-!?!” Gideon exclaimed in shock, covering his face as glass sprayed around the area.

Dipper landed in a roll, instantly springing to his feet and charging at Gideon. The smaller boy’s eyes widened in panic, realizing the peril he was in. Gideon suddenly whipped his head down, causing the robot’s head to jerk down. Dipper slid back down the now steeply inclined ground. Gideon suddenly threw his head back, Shooting the floor up in the opposite direction. Dipper grunted as the floor crashed up into him and launched him into the back wall of the head. He landed hard on his side, feeling a sharp pain in his shoulder. At that, Gideon began twirling his head around in circles. This cause the room to tilt violently, throwing Dipper around in circles as he was constantly struck by the walls.

Gideon laughed maniacally at having his enemy at his mercy, while Dipper blocked out the pain from the strikes to focus. Just as he was shot through the air in front of Gideon, Dipper whipped off his jacket and threw it right into Gideon’s face. The evil boy panicked as his face was covered, stopping his head spins to grab the jacket and throw it off. He realized his mistake too late, as the first thing he saw when his vision was restored was Dipper catching the letterman as he ran at Gideon. The shorter boy panicked seeing Dipper so close, and instinctively brought his arms up over his face to try to protect himself.

As he ran, Dipper slid his right arm back through its sleeve, and as it pulled through the cloth it shot forward, breaking through Gideon’s guard and planting his fist right into the smaller boy’s chubby cheek.

Gideon stumbled back, wincing in pain from the strike. The smaller boy threw a desperate punch at his opponent, but Dipper was completely unphased. The taller guy caught the punch with ease, and gripped Gideon’s wrist.

Dipper proceeded to punch Gideon in the face with his own fist repeatedly, the robot’s fist colliding with its face and smashing open the eye holes even more. Gideon’s legs went slack under him, but Dipper used his free hand to hold the human punching bag up. Dipper then used Gideon’s fist to punch him in the gut, each harder than the last. He felt the robot shudder under his feet, and heard the sound of various things breaking and a few small explosions.

At that, Dipper let go of Gideon. Dipper ran out of the giant hole in the robot’s face before Gideon’s back hit the ground. The robot fell back just as Dipper jumped out of it, sailing through the air and toward the watertower.

And fell just short of grabbing the railing.

Dipper yelled as he fell through the air, grasping wildly at nothing. Without a second of hesitation, Mabel dived over the wooden rail. She grabbed her brother as he fell, and shot her grappling hook back up. It latched back onto the water tower, and caught the two twins just before they hit the ground.

And just as the smashed up Gideon-Bot crashed into the dirt, the sound echoing throughout the woods.

The twins were panting, hearts racing as the adrenalin slowly started leaving their systems. Dipper looked down and saw they were a mere few inches above the ground, held securely by Mabel’s grapple gun. He had to admit, picking it from the shop those weeks ago had been a good choice on his sister’s part.

Apparently Mabel agreed with his sentiment.

“Grappling hook!” Mabel exclaimed with a smile.

“Yeah, yeah,” Dipper said as he let go of his sister and began rubbing his ear. “Not so loud, I’m right here.”

Mabel dislodged the hook from its perch, letting the line retract back. The twins stepped hesitantly closer to the downed robot. They saw Gideon crawl out out of the robot’s face, his mo-cap suit ripped and shredded, but some patches were still stuck on thanks to the lingering Mabel Soup. The smaller boy let out a pained groan as he slid down the side of the robot. Landing on shaky legs as he tried to ease his disorientation.

Before anyone could do anything more, they heard police sirens as the sheriff’s car pulled up to the clearing. Not far behind were various townsfolk, having followed the trail of destruction to the water tower.

“Is this the thing that tore up the town?” one man asked.

“What’s going on?” a woman asked.

“Gideon!” Deputy Durland cried as he ran to the slightly dazed boy. “Oh, good heavens! What on earth happened here?”

Gideon shook his head in an attempt to clear it, before exclaiming, “It was the Pines twins! They stole my deed to Gideonland and vandalised my statue! Arrest ‘em!”

“He’s lying, officers,” Dipper said calmly, “and we can-”

“Wait!”

Everyone turned and saw a familiar red car speeding into the clearing, bumping into the cops’ car in the process.

“Wait!” Stan shouted as he exited his car. “Stop everything! I’ve got somethin’ to say!”

“Not this guy again,” Sheriff Blubs muttered.

“Just wait!” Stan insisted. “Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest. ‘ _ Oh! I could never tell a lie! I’m Gideon! _ ’”

“He’s more honest than you!” Blubs countered.

“Yeah!” Durland agreed. “And he’s psychic too!”

“You sure about that?” Stan asked. “Everyone take a good look at you Gideon pins. Yeah, you’re all still wearing ‘em, right? Watch this.”

Stan crushed his pin in his hand, and the people standing closest to him saw what he wanted.

A tiny camera.

“Bam!” Stan exclaimed. “That’s right, these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who’s the fraud now?”

Several members of the crowd started breaking apart their pins, and were all shocked to see that each one did in fact contain a camera. They all turned to Gideon, who was looking very nervous.

“Gideon, we gave you our trust…” Durland mumbled.

“You LIED to us!” Manly Dan shouted with rage.

“Please, I…” Gideon stammered. “It’s not what it looks like... A-And besides! They still stole property that’s rightfully mine and assaulted me! Do your jobs, officers!”

Blubs and Durland glanced at each other hesitantly. While they were clearly hurt by Gideon, he was right.

“I… I guess so…” Blubs said. “Unless you kids have some kind of proof you didn’t?”

Dipper glanced over the cops’ shoulder, and smiled. “Actually, yeah. She just showed up.”

Everyone turn to see what Dipper was looking at, and were greeted by Wendy pedalling up on her bike, out of breath.

“Man…” the redhead wheezed as she came to a stop. “You guys… you were really moving… Wow…”

“Hey Wendy!” Mabel greeted happily. “You got it?”

“Oh… Oh yeah…” Wendy panted, slowly regaining her breath. “I got it… got it all… Whew…”

As Wendy tried to steady her breathing, she pulled out a video camera from her pocket. She opened it up and shifted through the recording a bit. When she was satisfied, she turned the screen to the police officers and hit play.

“Guess you were smart to use TNT to steal the deed for the Shack out from under us,” Dipper voice came from the camera.

“Sometimes the most complicated situations have the simplest solutions,” Gideon’s recorded voice agreed. “But dynamite can’t solve all my problems.”

Gideon’s face blanched as he looked at the twins, each shooting him a cocky smirk. Mabel’s backup plan: Get Gideon talking before the Gnomes show up, while having Wendy hide in the nearby woods and record anything incriminating the performer said. And from the looks of things, it worked perfectly.

“Th-This is circumstantial!” Gideon cried. “That doesn’t prove anything!”

“Oh, wait,” Wendy said, a smile on her face. “This is my favorite part!”

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, Mabel darlin’,” Gideon’s voice spoke in the recording. “I stole the deed fair and square, therefore it’s mine. I got this whole hick town wrapped around my wittle ol’ finger. Who do you think those idiots’ll believe?”

The crowd all looked back to Gideon, some looking hurt and others looking angry.

“Lil’ Gideon,” Blubs spoke, “you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud, and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs.”

The deputy pulled out an adorably tiny set of handcuffs, and slapped them on Gideon’s wrists, crying the whole time.

“No!” Gideon shouted as he was dragged off. “No! Watch the hair! You can’t do this to me! Y’all are sheep! You need me! I’ll be back! You’ll hear from my lawyers!”

“Yes!” Mabel exclaimed, high-fiving her brother. “We did it!”

Dipper grinned, ruffling his sister’s hair. He look over to Wendy, who was cheering on the cops shoving Gideon in the back of the squad car. He looked back at Dipper, smiling at him and giving him a thumbs up. He smiled back giving her a nod, silently thanking her for her help. Wendy nodded back, as if to say, “Anytime.”

“There you have it,” Shandra Jimenez reported into her news camera. “Local heroes the Pines family, have just exposed Li’l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford?”

Stan grinned into the camera, giving the twins a hug. “The Mystery Shack is back, baby!”

 

**_… A wef syad retal, ni eht yretsyM kcahS citta…_ **

 

Mabel smiled as she and her brother finished unpacking their stuff. The repairs to the building had been finished that morning, and the Mystery Shack had its grand reopening all day. In fact, now that she thought about it, Stan should be closing for the day soon. The old man had been ecstatic. The publicity he’d gotten from exposing Gideon had ensured the Shack got tons of business all day, and Stan didn’t miss a chance to get an extra buck out of people.

Mabel rolled her eyes, an affectionate smile on her face. So maybe Grunkle Stan wasn’t the best role model, but at the end of the day, he was a pretty cool guy.

Speaking of the old man, he walked up into the twins’ room, having just closed the Shack. “You kiddos settlin’ back in okay?”

“Yep!” Mabel said happily. “All of my favorite moldy spots on the ceiling are still there! Even you, Daryl.”

Dipper scoffed at his sister’s named health code violations, before glancing away. He considered his thought for a moment, before making his decision.

“... Hey, Grunkle Stan,” the boy spoke, “Mabel and I have been talking, and I think there’s something we should finally tell you.”

Stan raised an eyebrow, curious.

Dipper let out a breath, and pulled the two Journals out from under his bed.

“This is a Journal I found in the woods,” the boy explained as he handed the books to Stan. “This one I got from Gideon. They talk about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find mine.  _ This  _ is why he wanted the Shack. I don’t know what they mean, or who wrote them. But, after all we’ve been through, we figured you should finally know about them.”

Stan flipped through a few pages of each of the books, before gravely closing them both.

“I’m glad you showed me this, Dipper…” Stan said in a very serious tone, which he managed to hold for about three seconds before cracking up. “AHAHAHA! Now I know where you’ve been getting it all from! Spookums and monsters. This spooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies!”

“No Grunkle Stan!” Mabel insisted. “It’s all real!”

“Haha,” Stan chuckled. “You too Mabel? You both gotta quit readin’ this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although, some of these would make great attractions! Can’t come up with this stuff! Mind if I borrow this? Thanks!”

Stan got up and left, taking the books with him.

“No, Stan wait!” Dipper called, panicking at the loss of the Journals.

“Relax, kid,” Stan said over his shoulder as he walked down the stairs. “You can have your magic books back after I’ve gone through them a couple times. Heh. ‘Magic books’. Ridiculous!”

Dipper grumbled a bit to himself, reluctantly accepting Stan’s terms. ‘ _ Should’ve known he’d do something like this… _ ’

“It’s fine, Bro-Bro,” Mabel said, patting her brother on the shoulder. “Now that Gideon’s out of the way, we probably won’t need those things for a while anyway.”

“... I guess you’re right,” Dipper eventually agreed. “But if Stan doesn’t give those back in a week, I’m ripping his office apart.”

“Eh, don’t worry,” Mabel said with a dismissive wave. “You’ll probably get them back soon. I mean, what would a boring old man like Stan want with the books anyway?”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Stan input the code to the vending machine, and the secret passage behind the food dispenser opened. Glancing around to make sure no one saw him, he walked into the hidden passage, shutting the secret door behind him. 

Journals in hand, he descended a dimly lit staircase, until he arrived at an elevator. Inputting the code he knew by memory, the elevator doors were opened, and Stan stepped into the lift. He pushed the button for the floor marked “3”, and the elevator began lowering.

When it reached its destination, Stan stepped out onto a floor with large, old-school computers filling the room. He walked past them, and various monitoring devices, until he arrived at a desk. The desk had a lamp, various notes piled up, and a picture of the twins on it. But most importantly, it had a drawer.

Stan pulled the drawer open, and removed from it Journal 1.

“After all these years…” the old man muttered as he set the three Journals next to each other.

He flipped through the pages of each, until he got them all on the pages he needed. He lined up the books next to each other, in the shape of an inverse pyramid. The images on the pages lined up, forming a complex blueprint that had been split between the three books.

“Finally, I have them all.”

Following the directions in the Journals, Stan input data into a nearby terminal. When he finished, the loud humming of a device turning on was heard. Stan’s eyes widened as lights in the next room turned on for the first time in decades.

“It’s working!” Stan shouted as he ran into the other room.

A large machine shaped like an upside-down triangle lit up, power at last surging through it. Stan grabbed the large lever in front of the device and flipped it with a grunt. Glowing runes surrounding the circular hole in the center of the triangle appeared. With a crack of electricity, a light came out of the hole, further illuminating the room.

Stan stood with his hands on his hips, proudly staring at the machine as the air in the room stirred slightly.

“… Here we go.”

 

**20-21-0   3-14-7-0   14-11   25-11-11-19-25.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, and welcome back. I decided to post this chapter a day early, since tomorrow is my sister's birthday, so the whole day will be really busy.  
> Anyway, I said there would be several important things here, and yeah, I meant it.
> 
> First, I'm going to be taking the next couple weeks off. Gotta get ready to go back to school, get moved in, get into the groove of classes, etc. Figured the end of season one was as good a spot as any to take a break.
> 
> Second, AND THIS IS THE BIG ONE, I figured now would be a good time to mention an issue I've been thinking about.  
> For a while now, I've been trying to figure what to do about Tale of Two Stans. Namely, should I not do the episode in this story? The episode is almost entirely focused on Stan and Ford, both of whom are the same as their canon counterparts. The chapter would basically just be a one-for-one rehash of the episode, probably split into two chapters due to length. Would you all be okay if I just acknowledge the events of Tale of Two Stans, but skip actually telling that part of the story? I seriously need some feedback on this, so let me know your thoughts in the comments.
> 
> With that out of the way, onto the chapter trivia.  
> One of the things I'd wanted to do for a while was show off Dipper's intelligence. He's a smart fighter, sure, but I wanted to show he's a skilled strategist as well. Problem is, the twins haven't ever really gotten into a fight with prep time before hand. That is, until now. With that in mind, I tried making this more of a battle of wits, with more focus on plans than actual action. The more involved strategy also had the nifty bonuses of including Wendy, and giving Mabel a bit more to do.  
> Also, HA! YOU THOUGHT MABEL SOUP WAS JUST A ONE-OFF GAG, BUT IT WAS I, DIO! Wait, no. I mean- BUT YOU WERE WRONG! MABEL SOUP IS THE KEY TO VICTORY! MABEL SOUP IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING! MABEL SOUP IS THE KEY TO THE UNIVERSE ITSELF!!!
> 
> ... Ahem. Sorry about that.
> 
> Oh yeah, I also didn't have Stan uncover the spying monitors in the Gideon Bot, because that made literally no sense in the show. I mean, why would Gideon keep the monitors in the robot? And how would Stan even know that they were in the thing? What would he have done if they weren't readily available to show off to the town? Episode time constraints, man. Leading to overly convenient moments since Twenty Sñeventy-Twelve.  
> But now Dipper has two Journals. How might that impact the story going forward? Not much, but enough. The boy is more well informed now, so that's something to keep in mind.
> 
> And... I think that's it. Remember to leave your thoughts on what I should do with the Tale of Two Stans in the comments, along with any likes, dislikes, or questions you make have about the story. Thank you all for reading, and I hope you've had a great summer.


	18. Theory Debunked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important stuff about future updates in the end notes.

“What do we do, Chadley? I thought they were dead!”

“Far worse, Trixandra! They’re... Nearly Almost Dead But Not Quite!”

“ _ AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! _ ”

Dipper rolled his eyes as he and Wendy lounged on the girl’s bed, watching a terrible old monster movie. Despite his attitude toward the film, he wore an easy smile on his face. He’d finally managed to have a hang out time with just himself and Wendy, and just as promised, they were watching a crummy old film and making fun of it relentlessly. Well, not exactly as promised. Turns out Manly Dan had accidentally smashed Wendy’s copy of Mystery Science Theater 3000 a week back. The redhead hadn’t taken that news well, and a fist-sized hole in the wall proved it. Still, the two were having fun together, and that was what mattered to Dipper.

“Man,” the boy said, “these movies are a lot less scary when you actually fought real zombies.”

Oh yeah, Stan had hosted a karaoke party a few days back in which zombies had attacked, the twins found out Stan knew about Gravity Falls’ weirdness the whole time, the three of them had to defeat the zombies with the power of music, and they had to de-zombify Soos. That had been an interesting day.

“They’re slow!” Wendy told the characters on the screen. “Just power-walk away from them!”

“How much you want to bet that guy dies first?” Dipper asked, pointing at Chadley.

“Aah!” Chadley exclaimed not four seconds later. “My face is being eaten a lot!”

“Called it,” Dipper said. “What do I win?”

“The grand prize of…” Wendy said, doing a drumroll with her hands. “... Getting to watch the rest of the movie.”

“I think Chadley got a better prize,” Dipper commented dryly.

“I don’t know about that,” Wendy said. “Chadley ain’t pretty no more.”

As the two chuckled at the ruining of Chadley’s modelling career, Wendy’s phone buzzed. She pulled out the device and checked it, immediately frowning at the notification.

“Ugh,” she groaned, “another text from Robbie!”

Dipper tried not to visibly react at the mention of the teen. “Right, Robbie. How’s, uh… how’s all that going? Still giving him the cold shoulder?”

“Dude, I’ve been giving him the arctic shoulder,” Wendy responded. “The guy just can’t take the hint! We. Are. Done. I don’t know how long it’ll take for him to figure out I’m serious, but it can’t happen soon enough. And I mean, look at some of these texts!”

She showed Dipper her phone, and he quirked an eyebrow at some.

“... Winky frown?” Dipper asked. “What does that even mean?”

“You’re askin’ the wrong girl,” Wendy said with a shrug. “Some of these texts are kinda creepy. He acts like we were a couple or something.”

At that Dipper looked away awkwardly, knowing what he wanted to say, but not sure if he should. He decided to hesitantly test the waters for the moment instead.

“You… You know he wanted to ask you out, right?” Dipper asked carefully.

Wendy scoffed. “Pretty sure everyone in our school knew that. Robbie doesn’t really do ‘subtle’, ya’know?”

Dipper nodded. “You… thought about going out with anyone?”

“Yeah man,” Wendy said as she grabbed a stuffed walrus. “Meet my new boyfriend.”

Dipper laughed, trying hard to make it sound natural. He battled with himself for a moment, before finally deciding to speak.

“... Hey,” he started, “so, I was wondering if maybe...  you, ah... wanted to…”

Dipper bit his lip for a moment, before finally giving up.

“... wanted to join me and Mabel on this mystery hunt?” Dipper said, trying not to let his disappointment show. “Tomorrow? Conspiracy stuff, and all that?”

“Yeah, dude,” Wendy said, lightly punching the boy in the arm with a smirk. “I love doing all that junk with friends- Yo Chadley, watch out!”

“Yeah,” Dipper mumbled as he turned back to the movie, thoughts elsewhere. ‘ _ Friends… _ ’

 

**_… retaL eht txen yad…_ **

 

“Thanks for coming, everyone,” Dipper said to his investigation team of Mabel, Soos, and Wendy.

The gang had met in the woods near the Mystery Shack, per Dipper’s instructions. After realizing that the Journal pages contained invisible ink messages during the earlier zombie attack (and after getting Journal 2 and 3 back from Stan), Dipper went through all the pages again and found something  _ very _ interesting.

“We’re here to solve several mysteries,” Dipper continued. “The biggest one; who wrote the Journals? Thirty years ago the Author vanished without a trace. But according to a secret passage in Journal 3, the Author had a secret bunker buried right under this tree. Neither Journal is very clear about what the bunker’s purpose was, or what’s down there. It could be Journal 1, or a clue about who the Author is, or who was after him. Maybe even the Author himself.”

“Dude, you weren’t kidding about the conspiracy stuff,” Wendy said with a grin. “This is awesome! Anything else we need to know?”

“Yeah,” Dipper answered with a nod. “Like I said, the Journals don’t have a lot of details on the bunker, but Journal 2 does mention one thing. Apparently, the Author kept something down there. A creature of some kind. It doesn’t say much about it, except for that the creature is a shapeshifter.”

“A shapeshifter?” Mabel asked “So like, living playdough?”

“Maybe,” Dipper said. “I’m not sure what it’s like, if it’s hostile or not, or if it’s even still alive after thirty years down there. But we need to be ready for anything.”

“Glad I brought this thing then,” Wendy said as she twirled her ax in her hand.

Dipper nodded, giving the redhead a smile. “Alright, Step One: We need to find the entrance to the bunker. Knowing the Author, it’s probably some kind of hidden switch. Everyone fan out and starting looking for anything that looks man-made.”

Wendy and Soos nodded, each walking off to look for a secret switch of some kind. Mabel meanwhile, was giving her brother a sly look that he didn’t like one bit.

“So,” Mabel said in a low tone as she walked up to her brother. “Inviting Wendy on our mission? Me thinks there’s romance afoot.”

“No,” Dipper said in an equally quiet voice, glancing around to see that they weren’t being overheard. “Look, I’ve thought this through and I’m over Wendy.

Mabel rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Right, you’ve ‘gotten over’ Wendy. Allow me to put on my skepticals.”

“I’m serious, Mabel,” Dipper growled. “I’ve looked at it from every angle, and that thing was going nowhere. I’m too young to even have a chance with her. I like being friends with her, and I’m not going to ruin that by chasing after some crush that’s never would have amounted to anything.”

“Skepticals…” Mabel repeated, squinting at her brother as she made rings around her eyes with her hands.

Dipper shoved his sister as he walked off. “I’ve moved on, Mabel. You should too.”

Mabel was about to say something to her brother, when she was cut off by a shout.

“Hey guys!” Wendy called, getting the group’s attention. “Is it just me, or does that branch kinda look like a lever?”

Dipper glanced up to where the redhead was pointing, and saw a branch near the top of the tree that did look suspiciously metallic where it connected to the tree.

“Good find,” Dipper said with a nod. “Now, how do we get-?”

The boy was cut off by Wendy flinging her ax up into the air. It struck the bottom of the fake branch, knocking the lever up, and the ax fell back to the ground. Eyes closed, Wendy stuck her arm out and snatched the tool out of the air. She opened her eyes and cracked a cocky smirk.

“Boosh,” Wendy said, slinging the ax over her shoulder.

“Whoa ho-ho!” Soos exclaimed.

“Wow!” Mabel gasped in awe.

Dipper nodded, impressed. “Okay, that works.”

“Oh yeah,” Wendy said with a casual shrug, “my dad used to make me compete in these lumberjack games when I was a kid. Guess I kinda ruled at it.”

The tree suddenly began shaking, scaring off birds. The group took a few steps back as the ground vibrated under their feet. They watched as the tree and the dirt immediately surrounding it sank into the earth. They took a few hesitant steps closer, ready to get back if more ground gave way. They saw the tree stop, and the base of the trunk opened up, revealing a new doorway to further below. At the same time, planks stuck out from the walls of the hole, forming a staircase down.

“Alright guys,” Dipper said, looking at the rest of the group, “looks like this is it. Remember, whatever happens down there, we tell no one.”

Mabel gave her brother a thumbs up, and Soos gained a determined look as he turned his cap around. Wendy gave Dipper a smile, and zipped her lips shut. Dipper smiled back and mirrored the motion, before turning back to the stairs.

“Let’s go.”

The four of them descended into the pit, and entered the fake tree. They continued down another dark staircase for a bit, cobwebs caking the walls. When they reached the bottom, they stepped out into a room and…

“Whoa!” Mabel and Soos gasped.

The group looked around the room. There was an old cot, various boxes and cans, and a cabinet labeled “Weapons”.

“This is so, stupid cool!” Wendy marveled as she looked at a “Fallout Shelter” poster on the wall. “This is going over my bed.”

“It’s like a fallout shelter or something,” Dipper observed as he looked at a shelf filled with boxes of food supplies. “It’s like he was preparing for a disaster. But what kind of disaster would need supplies for over sixty years? These go all the way 2070.”

“Oh my gosh!” Soos exclaimed as he opened a locker. “A Smez dispenser! I remember these things. What’s that? Yes, I will have some of your old-timey face food.”

Soos munched a piece of the candy, but then winced.

“Ew, dusty!” the handyman muttered, before eating a second piece.

“Guys,” Dipper announced as he picked up a dripping bean can. “I think this can was opened recently.”

“The Author might still be alive down here!” Soos exclaimed excitedly.

“Wait a minute…” Wendy said, grabbing everyone’s attention.

The redhead walked over to an old map of Gravity Falls. She saw the map shaking, and felt a slight breeze blowing out from behind it. She pulled the map off of the wall, and revealed an open emergency hatch in the wall. She pulled the hatch open wider, exposing a tunnel.

“I think I know where he might have gone,” Wendy said.

The group began crawling through the tunnel. It was a bit cramped, especially for the two bigger people, but they soon made it out the other side.

“Whoa!” Wendy said as she emerged in a box room with numerous symbols on the walls and floor. “Oh, man! Was this place built in the past or the future?”

Dipper’s eyes widened as he saw the room. “Everyone, stop!”

The other three froze, all looking at the boy.

“I read about this place,” Dipper explained quickly as he flipped through Journal 3. “Right here! It says this is some kind of security room meant to keep out intruders. The symbols on the floor are booby trapped. If you step on the wrong one it’ll cause the walls to close in and crush us. Be extremely careful where you step.”

The rest of the group gulped and nodded at the news, none eager to be flattened into human pancakes.

“Okay,” Dipper breathed, before looking at the page with the black light. “It looks like to open the door out of here, we need to hit these four symbols. Everyone take one, and watch where you step.”

The four carefully tiptoed around the room. Dipper and Mabel each took one symbol on the floor, while Soos hit the one on the wall. Wendy looked up, spotting the last one on the ceiling, just out of reach. With careful aim, she threw her ax at the pressure panel. The blunt edge struck it, pressing the final button. The ax fell, hit the ground in between two of the rigged panels, and bounced right back into her waiting hand.

Dipper let out an impressed whistle. “You really do rule at that.”

Wendy shot the boy a smile, and the group carefully made their way to the newly opened door.

“Whew,” Wendy breathed as they made it to the safety of the next room. “Okay, that was crazy stressful. Good work with those books, Dipper.”

Dipper awkwardly scratched the back of his head, looking away.

“Yeah, well…” Dipper started. “Good work with your ninja-lumberjack skills.”

“Thanks, man,” Wendy responded, before her attention was taken by the new location. “Get a load of this crazy Surveillance Room.”

While the redhead watched Soos play around with some beakers, Mabel pulled her brother back, giving him a smug grin.

“What is it, Mabel?” Dipper asked. “We need to look aro-”

“‘Uh, uh, I’m totally over Wendy!’” Mabel said in a mocking voice of her brother. “‘I’m just gonna flirt with her the whole time we’re down here! Wendy, you’re my waifu!’”

“Would you keep it down?” Dipper hissed, checking to make sure they hadn’t been overheard.

“C’mon, Bro!” Mabel insisted. “You obviously aren’t ‘over’ her! I bet the whole reason you asked her here was because you wanted to ask her to go on a date, but chickened out.”

Dipper looked away.

“I knew it!” Mabel squealed quietly. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!”

“Shut up!” Dipper whisper-growled, clamping his hand over his sister’s mouth. “Alright, fine. I was going to ask her out, but I changed my mind. It’s a bad idea. I’d just embarrass myself and then I’d be another guy she hates, like Robbie.”

“Dipper, you should just tell her already,” Mabel said. “One way or another, you’ll feel better afterwards.”

“Look, Mabel,” Dipper said firmly, “I’m not going to tell her, so just drop it.”

“Dude!”

The twins looked over and saw Wendy standing in a steel compartment of some kind.

“Dipper, you gotta check out this weird metal closet,” she said, before swapping into a robot voice. “I am a robot, I have a metal closet.”

“Coming!” Dipper called to the redhead, before glaring at his sister. “This never happened.”

Mabel watched as her brother walked up to his crush and joked with her about the closet-thingy, frowning at the sight.

‘ _ He wants to tell her, but he’s scared! _ ’ she thought. ‘ _ Maybe he needs a little push? Good idea, Mabel. Thanks, Mabel! _ ’

At that, Mabel ran up to Dipper and hugged him from behind.

“Brother,” she whispered in his ear, “whatever happens, I just need you to know something: this is for your own good.”

The boy got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. “Mabel, what are you-?”

Without warning, Mabel shoved Dipper into the closet with Wendy, and slammed the heavy metal door shut behind them.

“MABEL!” Dipper shouted. “Let us out! NOW!!!”

“Oh, I’ll let you out Dipper,” Mabel said through the door. “As soon as you tell Wendy that thing you’ve been wanting to tell her! You’ll thank me for this later!”

“What is she talking about?” Wendy asked, feeling for the walls in the pitch-black space.

“Nothing…” Dipper growled through gritted teeth. “Mabel’s just been eating raw sugar packets again.”

“That’s besides the point!” Mabel insisted as she pulled out a sugar packet and ripped it open.

“MABEL!!!” Dipper shouted as he pounded on the door.

“Where are the lights?” Wendy muttered as she felt around.

As she moved, the redhead felt a cord of some kind hit her face. Thinking it might be for the lights, she pulled it. But instead of illuminating the room, the two occupants were suddenly doused in water. Before they could even wonder what had just happened, a powerful blast of hot air shot out from the walls, drying them off in an instant. The two stumbled into each other, and a sign in the chamber flashed to life, saying “Decontamination Complete”. Behind them, another door opened, revealing a new room.

The two stepped out, Dipper turning on the flashlight he’d been carrying, and they began looking around the new area. It appeared to be a roughly dug out cave system, with various pipes and machinery on the walls near the door.

“Whoa!” Wendy marveled. “A hidden lab! You think that Author guy did some crazy experiments down here?”

Dipper paused, looking down at something with great concern. “I’m more worried about what did that.”

Wendy looked at where the boy was pointing the light, and saw a metal cage.

One that had been ripped apart.

From the inside out.

“Huh…” the redhead muttered as she backed away. “Think that was the shapeshifter thing your Journal talked about?”

“Let’s hope we don’t find out,” Dipper answered.

At that, the two heard a growling sound echo through the tunnels. The looked and saw a dark shadow shaped like a large creature peek out at them. Their eyes widened and they ran back to the decontamination chamber.

“Mabel, open up, for real!” Dipper shouted as he pounded on the door. “The shapeshifter’s in here!”

“Ha ha, nice try!” Mabel laughed as she held the door firmly in place. “The only monsters are your own inner demons, Dipper!”

“That is so wise,” Soos said to the girl.

“Dipper, just say whatever Mabel wants you to say so she’ll let us out of here!” Wendy exclaimed, eyes darting back to the distant shape slowly getting closer.

“Come on, Dipper!” Mabel said. “Now’s the time, Bro!”

Dipper’s eyes widened. He glanced at the door, the shape, and Wendy. He swallowed hard, and tried to speak, but found he couldn’t. No matter what, he couldn’t say it.

“We’ll figure something else out,” he declared as he grabbed Wendy’s wrist and dragged her off. “Let’s go!”

“Wait, what?!” Wendy asked in surprise as they began running down on of the tunnels. “Dude, where are we going!?”

The two dashed for a bit, Dipper trying to get away from the monster, but they quickly reached a dead end.

“What do we do?” Wendy asked, frantically.

“I- uh…” Dipper stuttered.

No stalagmites to hide behind, no electrical cables, a not very bright flashlight, no weapons save for Wendy’s ax, which could very well do nothing against a shapeshifter.

No good options.

“We- ah… We have to fi-!”

Suddenly, the two heard a human sounding grunt. From around the corner, the saw the monster’s shadow, and the shadow of a man on top of it, punching and wrestling the creature into submission.

“Back!” a voice cried out. “Back, you heinous beast!”

With a fleshy tearing sound, the creature let out a pained shriek and seemed to run off. At that a gruff-looking older man wearing a beaten up trench coat and goggles walked out from around the corner, facing the two.

“Well,” the old man said, “I just ripped out a monster’s tongue.”

At that, he threw said appendage on the ground in front of the two.

“Ew…” Wendy muttered at the sight, trying not to focus on the nauseating smell coming from the severed tongue.

“Hurry now,” the stranger said, ushering them forward. “I scared it off, but it’ll regenerate.”

Dipper and Wendy, not really having any better options, followed the man down the tunnel back to where the decontamination chamber was.

“I wasn’t expecting guests,” the stranger said. “I’ve been down here for a very long time. Years! Weeks, maybe! I miss orange juice…”

Dipper considered how to respond to the old man. On the one hand, this seemed like the answer to all his questions. A man trapped down here for decades? It had to be the Author. And yet…

“What was that thing?” Dipper asked.

Wendy gave her friend a confused look. Weren’t they both pretty sure it was a shapeshifter? Did he feel the need to clarify, or-?

She noticed Dipper was giving her a look, silently urging her not to say anything. Wendy got the message and decided to play along.

“It’s one of my experiments, a shapeshifter,” the man explained. “Able to take the form of anyone or anything it sees. It broke free from a cage of solid steel!”

At that he gestured to the ripped apart cage they had seen earlier, before leading the two down another tunnel.

“I’ve gone half crazy trying to catch the creature alone,” the man continued. “But now you’re here!”

The man paused and knelt down to be face-to-face with Dipper. He looked at the boy before him, lifted his goggles, and gave Dipper a hopeful smile.

“Will you help me catch it?” he asked the boy.

Dipper’s fist clenched, before giving an energetic nod.

“You can count on me!” he answered excitedly.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Sure are taking their time in there,” Soos commented as he slipped on a white coat and grabbed a case. “Hey, do I look smarter with this coat and briefcase? I feel like I look smarter…”

“Razzle dazzle!” Mabel exclaimed. “Look at this tube-y thing!”

Soos walked over and saw a monitor displaying footage of a containment tube. As Mabel pressed a button, the inside of the tube became encased in ice. With another press, the tube was thawed out in an instant.

“Frozen! Unfrozen! Frozen! Unfrozen!” Mabel repeated happily, before seeing a note on the dashboard near the controls. “What’s this? ‘Experiment number 210: “The Shapeshifter”. Became too dangerous! Placed in cryogenic stasis.’”

“That monster thing-a-ma-hoosit Dipper read about in the Journals?” Soos asked.

“Guess it really was dangerous after all,” Mabel muttered, before a thought occurred. “Uh, Soos? This thing says it was frozen, but there wasn’t anything in the tube when I started messing with it. And the one next to it is broken.”

Soos’ face fell. “Didn’t Dipper say there was a monster in there with them?”

Mabel gasped. “I thought he was just joking!”

“YOU KNOW DIPPER’S JOKES ARE TERRIBLE!” Soos exclaimed.

“DIPPER!!!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, kcab htiw eht “rohtuA”..._ **

 

Wendy knew something was up.

Dipper kept asking the Author(?) all these fanboy questions. DIPPER was FANBOYING. He seemed overly excited, and just… not Dipper. Yet whenever the mysterious stranger wasn’t looking, he’d shoot her a grave look that didn’t match his tone. His message was clear: let him do the talking, because something wasn’t right. And, Wendy admitted to herself, while she wasn’t as smart as Dipper, it didn’t take a genius to figure out what his suspicions were. They  _ just so happened _ to run into the Author at the  _ exact right time _ while a shapeshifter was on the loose? The Author thought a cage with bars could hold a creature capable of changing its shape at will? Yeah right.

Wendy glanced around as they walked, taking note of their surrounding to make sure they didn’t get lost. Aside from the various tunnel openings they passed, she also saw a large pressurized pipe labeled “H 2 0”, and an assortment of scattered bean cans, empty of their-

Wait.

… Uh oh.

Wendy elbowed Dipper in the side as the man led them down the tunnel, gesturing with her head at the discarded bean cans. He looked, and saw what had she’d noticed.

The man on the cans was the exact same as the man leading them deeper underground.

‘ _ Well... _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ This sucks… _ ’

“I apologize for the state of things!” the “old man” rambled. “I don’t get many non-mole people visitors. Now, the beast must have some weakness we can exploit! I just wish I had my research on me. But alas, I lost my Journals so many years ago…”

Dipper swallowed. And now he was fishing for the Journals. Probably figured no one could’ve found this place without them. And the fact he was feigning ignorance over that, almost prompting Dipper to speak up…

Well, fine then.

“Dude! I found one of them!” Dipper exclaimed in the same faux-enthusiasm as before, letting Wendy know this was a part of his plan. “That’s how I tracked you down here.”

At that, he pulled Journal 3 out of his jacket, showing it to the man.

“What?!” the man exclaimed. “Could it be-? My boy! I can’t express my gratitude!”

Dipper handed the old man the Journal, and both he and Wendy noticed the stranger’s smile grow just a touch more sinister upon holding it.

“Oh yes,” the man chuckled to himself, “after all these years-”

As the stranger opened the Journal, he was cut off by a surging mass of pink exploding out of the Journal’s pages, his face coated in the sticky substance. The “man” let out an inhuman wail at the trick, the sound echoing through the tunnels as Dipper and Wendy ran back to where they started.

‘ _ Glad Mabel talked me into keeping one of those on me, _ ’ Dipper thought as he ran. ‘ _ You really never do know when you’ll need one. _ ’

The Shapeshifter howled as he ripped the Mabel Soup off his face, also ripping off his skin and muscle at the same time. The disfigured flesh quickly liquified, turning into an off-white goo as the Shapeshifter reverted to his true form.

“ **You’re not going anywhere!** ” the monster roared.

It shifted to the form of a giant cross between a rolly-polly and a centipede, and rolled after the two humans like a certain famous blue hedgehog.

Dipper and Wendy ran through the tunnels, hearing the distant thunderous rumbling approaching them from behind.

‘ _ We can’t let him get the Journals! _ ’ Dipper thought frantically. ‘ _ If he gets access to all those forms, there’s no way we could stop him! _ ’

The two found themselves at a fork in the road, as it were. The one on the left would take them back to the exit, but the Shapeshifter probably expected them to go that way, and from the sound of things, it was gaining on them. The one on the right went deeper underground. If they could just trick him into going that way…

Dipper quickly shoved Wendy around the corner of the left tunnel. Once she was out of sight, he threw his flashlight down the tunnel on the right before joining her in hiding.

The Shapeshifter reached the fork, stopping to look at the tunnel on the right. He saw the light from the flashlight descend the path, quickly leaving sight. The monster chased after it, leaving Dipper and Wendy behind.

The two smiled at each other, before turning around to keep running to the exit. They didn’t make it far before crashing into Mabel and Soos.

“Guys!” Wendy exclaimed as the four picked themselves up.

“Wait!” Dipper cautioned, pulling Wendy back. “How do we know they’re not the Shapeshifter?”

“Maybe I am…” Soos said, as if he’d just asked himself a huge metaphysical question as he pulled up his shirt and exposed his belly. “Mabel, inspect my shape!”

“Poke!” Mabel said with a goofy grin as she poked Soos’ stomach.

Soos laughed. “Do that again!”

“Poke!”

“Even better the second time!”

“Okay, its them,” Dipper deadpanned, before looking at Wendy. “Your knee!”

Wendy looked down, and hissed as she saw her jeans had been ripped at her right knee, and her joint had a nasty-looking gash. Now that she actually felt it, it didn’t seem that bad, but it would sting like a mother, and she’d need to get it cleaned the first chance she got.

“It’s cool, it’s cool,” Wendy muttered as she took off her jacket. “I’ve had worse. I’ll be fine.”

“What happened?” Mabel asked.

“We got attacked by the Shapeshifter,” Wendy explained as she ripped the sleeve off of her plaid button up, using the cloth as a makeshift covering for her knee. “He broke out of his cage, pretended to be the Author, and wants Dipper’s Journals.”

“We saw where he broke out of,” Mabel chimed in. “Looks like the Author tried stick him in some freezy-tube, but it stopped working and he got out.”

“Makes sense,” Dipper said, thinking the info over. “Sticking him in cryo seems like the best way to contain him. Any chance we can get that tube working again?”

“Don’t need to,” Mabel answered. “There’s another one that still works.”

“Good,” Dipper said with a nod. “We have to trap him here and now. Imagine if he escaped into town. We could never trust anyone ever again.”

“Okay,” Mabel agreed. “What’s the plan?”

“Well,” Wendy said as she tied the remains of her shirt around her waist, “he took us into his home, tricked us, and tried to destroy us.”

She looked at her companions with a serious glare.

“I say we return the favor.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

The Shapeshifter emerged in the cryostasis room, turning back into his human form.

“Dipper, my boy!” he called. “Come out!”

At the lack of response, his form warped a bit, before resettling.

“I must speak with you!” he shouted, anger seeping into his voice.

The Shapeshifter growled, transforming into a large bug-like creature with a fist for a head.

“ **Reveal yourself, you single-formed human weakling!** ” the creature boomed, punching the ground with his head.

“Oh boy, Dipper,” Mabel said loudly as she and her brother entered the room. “That book sure is full of some great monsters!”

“ **There you are!** ” the Shapeshifter exclaimed, turning to the twins. “ **Ooh, and a new one. Should I be one…?** ”

At that, the monster shifted into a perfect copy of Mabel.

“ **Or the other…?** ”

It suddenly changed into a copy of Dipper, eyes widening and evil grin growing as a thought occurred.

“ **How about both!?** ”

In an instant, the creature became a six-legged spider amalgam of the twins, roaring out of both their now saber-toothed mouths. The two ran back into the tunnel, the Shapeshifter giving chase. As they ran they eventually passed Soos and Wendy, who were ready to turn a release valve for the water pipe Wendy had spotted earlier. The twins stopped and turned around, just in time to see the Shapeshifter round the corner.

“Now!” Dipper shouted.

Wendy and Soos tried turning the valve, but panicked when they realized the old thing was stuck in place.

“It’s not working, dude!” Soos exclaimed.

Dipper’s face paled. So much for their plan.

Having caught up, the Shapeshifter shot out his frog-like tongue, which stuck right onto Dipper’s letterman. He tried to plant himself in place, and Mabel held onto her brother to keep him steady, but the Shapeshifter was stronger that the two of them.

“You leave him alone!” Wendy shouted, leaving the valve to help her friend.

The redhead grabbed the tongue, trying to pull it off of Dipper’s jacket. She succeeded, but found herself being yanked back to the Shapeshifter. Adjusting herself in mid air, she managed to land on the grotesque body. She quickly whipped out her ax, about to strike the monster, when Soos finally got the valve to turn. Out of the pipe came an explosion of water, much bigger than anyone had expected. Wendy and the Shapeshifter were struck head on, rocketed down the tunnel, and the ensuing flood dragging the twins and Soos along with them. Wendy tried to swim up for air, but instead crashed hard into a submerged stalagmite, the air being knocked out of her lungs.

Dipper gasped for air as the water drained down the tunnel. He glanced around. Mabel and Soos were there, coughing up water. They hadn’t gone too far from the pipe, which had seemed to run out of water- The Journal!

Dipper frantically felt inside his Jacket and pulled out Journal 2, Journal 3 nowhere to be found. His eyes darted around for the missing book, praying the Shapeshifter didn’t get it. He didn’t find the Journal, but he did find Wendy’s ax.

And no Wendy.

Dipper’s eyes widened. He grabbed the ax and ran down the tunnel.

“Wendy!” he shouted as he made back to the cryo tubes. “Wendy!”

The boy gasped at the sight of the redhead, sprawled out on the ground. Her eyes were closed, non-responsive. Dipper looked to her chest, and felt his stomach drop when he didn’t see it rise and fall.

She was completely, deathly still.

“No…” Dipper breathed. “No, no-no-no...!”

The boy put his hand over his mouth, trying to keep himself from losing his lunch at the sight. He looked away, before forcing his eyes back to the body.

“No…” Dipper repeated. “No, this can’t be… This is all my fau-”

“Uh, Dipper?”

The boy whipped his head around, looking for the source of the voice. Behind him stood the redhead, Journal 3 in hand. She looked a little more banged up, but other than that fine, and certainly not dead.

“Wendy!?” Dipper exclaimed, relief spreading on his face, until the realization hit. “Uh oh-”

Dipper was cut off by the previously dead Wendy knocking him aside as she rushed at the other Wendy.

“Give me that Journal!” the charging Wendy growled.

“Never!” the other Wendy shouted back.

Dipper picked himself up off the ground, looking at the doubles fighting. Each one had a grip on the Journal, and were rolling over each other. He had only looked away for a moment, and yet he already had completely lost track of who was who. He saw the two get to their feet, playing tug of war with the book.

“Give it back, it belongs to Dipper!” one of the Wendy’s shouted, before turning to the boy. “Hit her with the ax!”

Dipper looked down at his hand, realizing he was still holding the ax. He looked back up at the two, eyes darting back and forth between them.

“Don’t listen to her, Dipper!” the other Wendy shouted.

“She’s the Shapeshifter!” the first yelled.

Dipper kept looking between them. He couldn’t tell which was which, and he couldn’t get this wrong. How could he-? Wait. The Wendy on his right staggered. Her knee, the injured knee! Dipper looked at the other Wendy. Sure enough, that Wendy was putting all her weight on her supposedly injured knee. Of course! The Shapeshifter couldn’t see the wound, he didn’t know Wendy’s knee had been cut! That meant the one on the left…

“Take this!” Dipper shouted as he threw the ax at the Wendy on his right.

The left Wendy smirked maliciously, and thrust her right arm out at Dipper. The arm exploded forward as a mass of pale goo that formed into an enormous fist, shooting out to flatten the boy. Unfortunately for the Shapeshifter, his attention left the real Wendy for the moment. With practiced ease, she caught the ax out of the air with one hand, and swung it right down into her deformed double’s leg, green slime spurting out of the thigh.

The fake Wendy let out a pained shriek, the extending arm falling limp before it could strike Dipper. The Shapeshifter growled, glaring back at Wendy. The arm still holding onto the Journal suddenly turned to the off white goop, before expanding around Wendy. With a snarl, the Shapeshifter’s arm threw Wendy up.

“GRAGH!!!” Wendy choked out as she was crushed between the large morphing hand and the stone ceiling.

At the impact, Wendy dropped the ax. Dipper rushed forward, catching the weapon out of the air a mere foot from the Shapeshifter. With a mighty swing, Dipper sunk the ax into the fake Wendy’s gut, spilling more green slime.

The monster howled in pain, arm holding Wendy up falling slack from the strike. Dipper yanked the ax out of the Shapeshifter and tossed it straight up as the redhead fell. Wendy caught her trusty tree chopper, and used her fall to bury the blade in her copy’s head as she came down.

“Now!” Dipper shouted once Wendy was back on her feet.

The girl ripped her ax free of the monster’s head, the body reverting back to the pale paste as it tried to reform. The two didn’t give it the chance though, as both Dipper and Wendy simultaneously gave the Shapeshifter a step up front kick straight into the working cryo tube. The two rushed forward and sealed the tube as the monster reverted to its original form. The Shapeshifter was ready to break his way out, when Dipper turned to look at a security camera.

“Do it, Mabel!” the boy shouted.

Mabel, who’d been watching the thing on the observation screen, hit the freeze button on the control panel. Just like that, the Shapeshifter was engulfed in subzero temperatures, and the glass door was too fogged up to see through.

Dipper and Wendy looked at each other, relieved that the plan had ultimately worked, until they heard a loud thud from the cryo tube.

“ **No!** ” the Shapeshifter roared as it pounded on the glass.

The monster tried turning into a stone monster, with no success. Next he tried a fire monster, trying to fight off the freezing, but that was similarly futile. He returned to his human form for a moment as he continued to beat on the glass.

“ **LET ME OUT!!!** ” the Shapeshifter shouted as he went back to his true form, starting to freeze.

Soos and Mabel walked into the room, and saw the Shapeshifter slowly becoming a popsicle. Mabel shuddered at the unsettling sight, and Soos gestured to Dipper and Wendy.

“Let’s get out of here, dudes,” the handyman said.

“Not yet,” Dipper said.

The boy walked straight to the cryo tube, and looked the Shapeshifter dead in the eyes.

“Who is the Author?” Dipper asked. “What did you do to him?”

The Shapeshifter laughed darkly. “ **You think you’re so clever don’t you, Dipper? But you have no idea what you’re up against. You will never find the Author, and even if you did, that six-fingered nerd hasn’t been himself in ages. He can’t save you from what’s coming. If you keep digging, all you’ll find is a fate worse than you can imagine! And this will be the last form you ever take!** ”

The Shapeshifter morphed into Dipper, and let out a blood-curdling scream of fear and agony as the creature finally froze over.

Dipper stared at the predictor of his future, shell shocked by the image.

“Heh heh,” Soos chuckling, breaking the stunned silence. “Good luck sleepin’ tonight!”

 

**_… retaL, edistuo eht reknuB…_ **

 

The group watched the fake tree rise back up, concealing the bunker yet again.

“Dude, I think I’m kind of adventured out for a little while,” Soos said.

“Yeah,” Mabel agreed with a nod, “but you gotta admit, we’re all total heroes.”

“Hey, who wants to get some heroes’ breakfast, huh?” Soos asked.

“Syrup on cereal!” Mabel cheered.

“Mabel, you’re a visionary!” Soos declared.

The two began walking off, and Wendy was going to follow, but she felt something hold her back. She looked back and saw Dipper grabbing her arm, giving her a conflicted look.

“Hey, Wendy,” Dipper spoke, “can we talk for a moment?”

Wendy nodded, and the two sat down on a nearby log. Dipper took a minute to get his thoughts together, before finally saying something.

“I owe you an apology,” Dipper told her. “I almost got us both killed just because I couldn’t bring myself to say what Mabel wanted me to.”

“Hey man, it’s fine,” Wendy said. “Everything worked out, and if it was really that big a deal, you don’t have to say anything. I won’t pry.”

“No,” Dipper said. “I messed up big time with this. It wasn’t that big a deal, I just…”

He paused, searching for the right words. There were a few moments where it looked like he was going to speak again, before he shut his mouth and rethought what he would say. Finally, he just looked at Wendy and was a straightforward as he could be.

“I’m in love with you.”

Wendy blinked.

“... Ha, ha, good one, man…” she laughed kind of awkwardly, waiting for Dipper to say it was all a joke.

His look let her know he wasn’t kidding.

“That’s what Mabel wanted me to tell you,” Dipper explained, looking away.

“... Ah…” Wendy nodded as she looked forward, thinking things over.

Dipper risked a glance at her. “... Wendy?”

“... Right,” Wendy said, bringing herself out of her thoughts. “Sorry, I just… That wasn’t what I was expecting. Um… Listen Dipper, I’m like, super flattered, but... I’m too old for you. I mean, you know that, right?”

Dipper nodded, not able to meet the girl’s eyes. “I know. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything. But Mabel was sure that confessing would make me feel better. I swear, I am going to burn all of her romance novels when I get the chance…”

That earned a chuckle from the redhead. “Dude, let me know when. I’ll bring the matches.”

Her smile shrank a bit, and after a moment of hesitation, she rested her hand on Dipper’s shoulder.

“Let me tell you something,” Wendy said. “This summer was super boring until you showed up. I have more fun with you than practically anybody else. And if you ever stopped being my friend, I would, like, throw myself into the Bottomless Pit!”

Dipper, despite himself, snickered and the grand gestures his friend was making with her statements. “So things won’t be too… awkward, now?”

“I just wrestled myself, dude,” Wendy said with a weirded-out expression. “THAT was awkward. If you can handle that monster, you can handle a little awkwardness.”

Dipper nodded, before extending a hand with a hesitant smile. “... Friends?”

“Yeah, dude!” Wendy responded, playfully shoving the boy off the log. “Friends!”

The two laughed, Wendy pulling Dipper back up onto the log. After the nice moment, Wendy rose and walked over to her bike parked by a close tree.

“I gotta go,” Wendy said as she buckled on her helmet. “I need to get my knee a real bandage. But thanks for everything, Dipper. Today was amazing.”

She was about leave, when she turned back to the boy.

“Oh, and hey Dipper?” Wendy spoke. “See you for movie night tomorrow. Your place this time, okay?”

Dipper was surprised by the statement, but nodded, smiling back to the girl. With a nod of her own, she pedalled off, leaving Dipper on his own.

Well, almost on his own.

“Sooo, how did it go?”

“Gah!” Dipper exclaimed, turning to his sister who seemed to appear out of nowhere. “... How much did hear?”

“Everything!” Mabel answered. “All the time!”

At that, Soos poked his head up from some nearby bushes. “I’M NOT HERE!”

Dipper groaned before shouting back, “Haven’t you guys ever heard of privacy!?”

“I’m sorry for being so pushy Dipper,” Mabel apologized. “If it’s any consolation, I’m already working on your list of potential rebound crushes.”

“Mabel,” Dipper said looking his sister dead in the eye, “I will forgive you right now if you scrap that list and never make another.”

“OOO-kay!” Mabel said happily as she pulled out said list and tore it to pieces.

“I’m still bummed we’re no closer to finding the Author guy,” Soos said as he sat next to the twins. “At least I got his science-y coat and briefcase.”

At that, Soos held up the briefcase, showing off its glorious science-y-ness. But in doing so, the latch holding the thing shut broke, and it fell open.

“Whoa!” Soos exclaimed. “What the…?”

Dipper’s eyes widened, seeing the insides of the case. “Soos, that’s not a briefcase, it’s a laptop!”

“And a really busted up one, too,” Mabel commented, taking in the cracked screen and several missing keys.

“I bet I could get this thing fixed up in a few days,” Soos said. “It’s gonna take a lotta duct tape.”

“This could be our next clue,” Dipper said, holding the device. “Good work, Soos.”

Dipper looked at the laptop, curiosity inflamed. He wondered what secrets the old device could hold. In the back of his mind he remembered the Shapeshifter’s warning. Trying to find the Author would lead them to more danger. But Dipper was determined to find the truth of this mystery. And together, with his friends and family, he knew he could take on whatever challenge was coming their way.

These were Dipper’s thoughts as he looked over the laptops label above the screen that read, “Property of F.”

 

**19-7-5-10-7-5,   19-7-5-10-7-5!   21-1-24   25-14-15-22   15-25   25-15-20-17-15-20-13!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... What year is it...?
> 
> Hello everyone, welcome back to Fighting in the Falls. First off, I'd like to apologize for the wait. It went on a bit longer than I'd intended. And I have another apology to make. See, I've been trying to do weekly updates for this story so that I could breeze through all the stuff before Weirdmageddon and get to the stuff after it. I wasn't going to be able to keep that schedule then, but I figured that the faster I could get there, the better. Unfortunately, school is proving to be a bit tougher than I'd expected. So until further notice, I'm going from an update a week, to an update every two weeks. Sorry about that, but hey, if I get into a good position with my studies, it's possible I could go back to weekly updates. We'll see.
> 
> Oh, and I'd like to thank those who commented about what I should do with A Tale of Two Stans. I'm going to follow the advice and skip telling the story in a chapter itself, and just acknowledge the events. I mean, I'm pretty sure you guys all know what happened, right? Of course you do.
> 
> Anyway, with that done, onto trivia! Well, looks like the S.S. Wendip is going down. I just hope Wendy leaves enough room on the door for Dipper. Was it a door? I've never actually seen Titanic. But if Dipper doesn't end up with Wendy, then who could he possibly end up with? Pacifica? Candy, maybe? Or maybe he'll be a strong, independent guy who don't need no romance subplot?  
> ... Naw, that can't be it. Dipper X Spider with a Top Hat for life!
> 
> Though on the topic of ships, I feel like now is as good a time as any to talk about this. Normally whenever I try talking about ships the auto censor comes in to stop me, because spoilers and all. But I sold part of my soul to it (don't worry, it was only an eighth) so I can discuss two ships that ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT be a part of this story.  
> The first, Dipper X Mabel. No. Just no.  
> The second, Dipper X Bill. Or really, Bill X Anyone. I never got why people liked to ship Dipper or Mabel or whoever (but usually Dipper) with a sadistic extra-dimensional demon. That would not work well. I get fanworks can take liberties with Bill's character, but... I mean, really? Somehow, this is all Twilight's fault. I don't know how, but it is.
> 
> Oh yeah, and I won't be adapting the Bunker comic Buryooooo created where Dipper has PTSD from the adventure here. Mainly just because I couldn't come up with a good spot to fit it.
> 
> Is that everything? I think it is. With that said, feel free to leave and likes, dislikes, or questions you have in the comments. I love getting them as they're my only source of social interaction. I don't have time to make friends, I'm a student and a writer.  
> Anyway, thank you for reading, and have a great day.


	19. Par 4 The Course

Dipper sat on the couch with Waddles, eating cereal as he watched some TV.

“Who wants Stan-cakes?” Stan asked as he walked into the living room. “They’re like pancakes, but they probably have some of my hair in ‘em.”

“Pass,” Dipper said.

Before Stan could respond, Mabel burst through the door, screaming giddily and causing ear damage for miles.

“It’s here!” she cried as she ran around the room excitedly. “Oh, it’s here! It’s here, it’s here! I’ve been waiting all morning and it’s finally here! The Gravity Falls Gossiper accepted my article about summer fashion tips for squirrels. My picture is gonna be in the newspaper! Check it!”

“‘Pacifica Northwest declares v-neck the look of the season!’” Stan read aloud as Mabel shoved the paper in his face. “What am I looking at here?”

“Woah, woah, WHAT?!” Mabel exclaimed as she looked at the front page.

Indeed, the newspaper showed an image of Pacifica with the headline. “GREATEST THING OF THE SUMMER!”

“Looks like someone bought their way to the front page,” Dipper said, munching on his cereal.

“Is it legal for a child to wear that much makeup?” Stan asked.

“Ugh, Pacifica!” Mabel grunted as she threw the newspaper to the floor. “She always ruins everything!”

“Yeah,” Dipper said in an unenthusiastic tone. “I’m sure the three people that read The Gossiper will be enthralled by Pacifica’s fashion advice.”

“Dudes!” Soos declared as he burst into the room. “V-neck season is upon us! Who wants to help me get ahead of the fashion curve? I’m taking it one step further with a w-neck.”

At that, Soos marked a w-line on the collar of his shirt, and tries cutting the fabric with safety scissors.

“Must… follow… newspaper…”

“Okay,” Dipper said. “Four people.”

Mabel sulked over to the kitchen table, a frown on her face. She poured herself some orange juice in a shot glass and downed it in a gulp, slamming the glass on the table.

“Aack!” Mabel spat. “I need something to get my mind off this…”

“Looking for a distraction from your horrible life?” a voice from the TV spoke.

“Why yes!” Mabel said, looking at the screen.

“Victory! Honor! Destiny! Mutton!” the commercial person said. “These old-timey sounding words are alive and well at the Gravity Falls Royal Discount Putt Hutt (no mutton available at the snack shop)!”

“Well, that sounds about your speed,” Dipper said, before looking to his grunkle. “She’s been amazing at mini-golf since we were kids.”

Mabel gave a nod. “I am pretty good… And that does sound like fun…”

“C’mon Mabel,” Dipper said. “We’ve had a stressful couple of days. I think we all deserve a break.”

“Would kicking all our butts at mini-golf cheer you up?” Stan asked enticingly.

“... Maybe a little,” Mabel decided.

“Come on, hambone!” Soos encouraged. “Victory!”

“Honor!” Mabel declared.

“Destiny!” Stan shouted along.

“Mutton not included,” Dipper chimed in.

The group walked out of the house, chanting as they went and leaving Waddles in charge of the house.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht ttuP ttuH…_ **

 

‘ _ Focus… _ ’ Dipper thought as he wound up on the first hole of the course. ‘ _ Focus… _ ’

The boy swung his golf club and was met with the expected results. That being, he missed the ball almost completely. He did barely manage to hit the golf ball, just enough to send it rolling to the side and into a water hazard.

Dipper grimaced. And here he thought he might’ve actually gotten better. Silly him.

“Don’t worry, Bro!” Mabel said with a grin. “We can pretend we didn’t see that.”

“Shut up and take your turn…” Dipper grumbled as he moved to fish his ball out of the water.

“Do the hip wiggle,” Mabel said to herself, “and-!”

With a swing, Mabel struck her golf ball dead on. It bounced off the wooden pegs on the course, zipped over a small bridge, went through the dragon set up just before the green, and bounced off of the nose of a sleeping Old Man McGucket for a hole in one.

“Wha-?” McGucket stuttered as he was rudely awoken. “How’d I get here?”

“Yes!” Mabel said with a fist pump.

“Holy smokes!” Stan exclaimed. “Someone in our family actually has talent!”

“Grunkle Stan, you ain’t seen nothing yet!” Mabel declared.

“You  _ really _ haven’t,” Dipper agreed, preparing for the complete BS that was his sister’s mini-golfing skill.

 

**_… enO SB flog-inim emag retal…_ **

 

A crowd was gathered around the Pines family as Mabel lined up her final shot. She was on the Hole 18, the Windmill Hole. Infamously tricky to time and aim, leading to many a crushed dream on the artificial green. But for a pro like Mabel, getting the ball into the windmill was child’s play. No, the real problem was what happened to the ball once it was in the windmill. There were three possible exits for the ball. One was a straight shot for the hole. The others were off to the sides. In theory one could alter the force of their strike to try to control which exit the ball took, but without seeing the insides of the mill it was next to impossible to figure out the force necessary without ample experimentation-

Mabel shrugged. This was just for fun, a chance to unwind. No need to take things so seriously.

With little consideration, Mabel swung. Her ball shot into the windmill with practiced ease, and she heard the familiar clunking of the ball moving around in the structure. The crowd watched on baited breath, the anticipation nearly killing them. The ball rolled out of the mill, headed for the hole…

And curved to the left, missing completely.

“Awwww…” the crowd collectively groaned, dispersing.

‘ _ Huh, looks like the ground near the hole has a tilt to it, _ ’ Mabel thought with a shrug. ‘ _ The more you know. _ ’

“Ah, don’t worry about it kid!” Stan said, patting the girl on the shoulder. “The thing’s random!”

“Yeah,” Soos agreed. “Besides the Bermuda Triangle, how mini-golf works is our world’s greatest mystery.”

“It’s fine guys,” Mabel said. “This was just a laid-back game. It’s not like I actually had anyone here to really compete wi-”

At that very moment, a purple golf ball rolled out of the windmill and sunk into the hole. Mabel hadn’t seen the shot, but she could  _ feel _ it was a hole in one. She also had a pretty good feeling she knew who it was that did the shot…

“Oh, would you look at that?” said Pacifica Northwest with smug superiority as she approached the group, parents not far behind. “I didn’t know it was ‘hobos golf-free’ day!”

“Pacifica…” the twins grumbled simultaneously.

“Well, if it isn’t the Pines family!” Pacifica greeted condescendingly. “Fat, Old, Crazy, and Nachos!”

“Soos, would it be wrong to punch a child?” Stan asked.

“Not if we let other children do the punching,” Dipper said, cracking his knuckles.

“Yeah dude,” Soos responded with a nod. “That seems, like, morally sound and junk.”

“Even think about touching me and I’ll sue you so hard you’ll lose your crummy home again,” Pacifica countered icily.

“Oh yeah, with the manure-shoveling fortune,” Dipper spoke. “How’d the big reveal that you’re actually descended from a crap-pedaller go with the parents? Probably not too big a surprise, right?”

The girl’s parents looked at the boy with narrow eyes, which only made Dipper’s smirk grow wider. Pacifica shot the boy a venomous glare, before her features relaxed.

“Great, actually.” the blonde answered. “That’s the thing about money. It makes problems go away.”

“Well, it can’t buy you skill!” Mabel interjected. “You walked into the game of a mini-golf champion!”

Pacifica laughed, an amused smirk on her face.

“Sergei!” the blonde barked, snapping her fingers.

At the summons, a man who looked like a professional golfer stepped forward, carrying Pacifica’s clubs.

“This is Sergei, my trainer,” Pacifica said.

“The Sportylmpics had mini-golf once,” Sergei said in a Russian accent. “I took gold!”

The man showed off a fancy gold medal on his chest. Dipper meanwhile, rolled his eyes at the display.

‘ _ An Olympic mini-golfer? _ ’ the boy thought. ‘ _ Sure, why not? _ ’

“So if you don’t mind moving out of the way of the professionals!” Pacifica said airily as she walked past Mabel.

The girl stepped up to the course’s “Bonus Hole” (which was just a glorified ball return). With a simple swing, she hit the ball up the ramp, into the air, and it landed perfectly in the elevated hole in the side of a fake volcano, which proceeded to erupt.

“Enjoy second place,” Pacifica laughed as she began to leave. “Give her a hand, folks!”

“Tough talk coming from a girl who’s best shot wasn’t even on the course,” Dipper said, causing Pacifica to stop dead in her tracks.

“ _ What _ was that?” the blonde asked as she whipped back around to glare at Dipper.

“Here you are bragging about your trainer,” Dipper continued. “You say you’re the best player here. And yet we don’t even know your score.”

Pacifica scoffed. “Twenty-two. You’re telling me pig-girl here did better?”

“Hey Mabel,” Dipper spoke with fake innocence, “what was your score again?”

“This time?” Mabel asked in the same, almost patronizing tone. “Why, it was twenty-one.”

“Huh,” Dipper responded. “Well what do you know?”

“Oh please,” Pacifica said with an eye roll. “You expect me to believe that?”

“You think we’re lying?” Mabel asked. “Then let’s play a game for real. We’ll see who’s really the best. Unless you’re… scared?”

“Of losing?” Pacifica asked incredulously. “To  _ you? _ Yeah right. Let’s do this”

The two girls glared at each other, each eager to destroy the other in the game. Even the heavens themselves seemed to be building toward the conflict, skies darkening as if to heighten their coming battle.

… Or maybe just to screw with it.

“Hear ye! Hear ye! Honk, honk!”

The guy in the king costume (didn’t he work at Mattress King?) barreled through in his golf cart, trying to make an announcement. Instead, he crashed into a lamp post. After a bit of fenagelling, he managed to get un-crashed, and made his grand decree.

“Stop at once!” he declared. “The park is now closed due to weather! The King of Mini-Golf has spoken!”

He tried to drive off dramatically, but instead backed into a post and proceeded to overturn his cart.

“Ahh!” he cried. “The king is down!”

As the other patrons began to leave, Pacifica looked up at the clouds, hearing thunder rumbling in the distance. She let out an annoyed huff, before turning back to her opponent.

“This isn’t over,” Pacifica said. “You, me, midnight. We’ll see who’s best!”

“I’ll be here!” Mabel said with a determined nod.

With that, the Northwests pulled out umbrellas just before the rain started, and walked off.

 

**_… retaL, ta sonamreH srehtorB reniD…_ **

 

“Is uh…” Stan muttered. “Is that… normal, for her?”

Stan stared uncomfortably across the booth at Mabel, sitting cross-legged on the table. She held her arms up in a meditation pose, slowly breathing in and out as her eyes rolled back into her head.

“Yeah, this is what she does,” Dipper said with a nod, completely unfazed.

“ **Silence,** ” Mabel spoke in a deep voice. “ **I must focus. Dipper, chip me.** ”

Her brother popped a tortilla chip into her mouth and she hastily devoured it.

“ **Good,** ” Mabel said. “ **... One more.** ”

Dipper fed her another chip.

Mabel chewed and swallowed the food, before her eyes rolled back down.

“I am ready.”

“... Ooookay…” Stan said, deciding the less he thought about what he just witnessed, the better.

“The rain stopped,” Dipper said, glancing out the window. “Should probably head back now. You don’t want to be late, or Pacifica will probably call it a win.”

“Go to the golf course after dark, you say?” Stan asked. “I don’t know, we’d have to break in and- Just kidding, let’s break in!”

 

**_… A wef setunim retal…_ **

 

Stan’s car pulled into the mini-golf mini-course’s mini-parking lot. The old man parked the car, and turned back to his great-niece.

“Alright,” Stan said. “We’ll be waitin’ for ya here. Knock her dead, kid.”

Mabel gave her grunkle a thumbs up, before she and Dipper left the car and snuck into the course. Well, “sneaking” might be a bit generous. With no night staff, security systems, or even a padlock on the gates, getting in was literally as easy and opening a door. Dipper wondered how the place hadn’t been vandalised more.

Stan let out a long exhale as he got comfy in his seat.

“Welp, kids’ll probably be awhile. May as well kick back,” Stan said, before eyeing the man next to him taking his shirt off. “... What are you doing?”

“Dude, I’m cuttin’ W’s into all my shirts,” Soos explained. “Gotta give the public what they want.”

“Right…” Stan muttered.

The old man reclined his seat back, closing his eyes as he tried to catch a few winks. But not long after, he heard a clunking sound next to him. He opened his eyes and saw Soos had also reclined his seat and was staring at him, still shirtless.

“Sure are a lot of stars out tonight,” Soos said.

“Well, this is gettin’ weird,” Stan said as he got up and left the car, intent on being LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni a ybraen omil…_ **

 

“Now remember, Pacifica,” Preston Northwest reminded his daughter as they pulled up to the course, “winning is everything.”

“Oh, oh, and also looks,” her mother, Priscilla, chimed in as she looked at herself in a mirror. “Winning and looks.”

“Dad, I’ve been practicing for, like, a million hours, okay?” Pacifica stated. “I’ve got this. You’ll stay and watch, right?”

“Pacifica, darling, we have a party to go to,” her father responded in a snobbish this-should-be-obvious voice. “We’ll just read about your victory in the paper.”

Pacifica repressed a grimace. That was about what she’d expected.

The girl hopped out of the limousine, popping her neck in anticipation. While she’d never admit this to her parents (or anyone, really), she was actually really looking forward to this game. Ever since the karaoke contest in the Mystery Shack, Pacifica had been hoping for another chance to go up against the obnoxiously chipper girl who’d tried to upstage her. Pacifica wasn’t too full of herself to concede to herself that her victory at the party had been…  _ debatable _ , at best.

But tonight would be different. There were no crowds, no points for performance, no popularity contest tied to victory (Pacifica pointedly ignored the implications of having to buy victory in a popularity contest). It was just the two of them, and the winner would be the one with the most skill. Which, obviously, would be Pacifica.

“Sergei!” Pacifica snapped.

The russian jumped out of the limo’s trunk at the call, bag with clubs in hand. Pacifica nodded, and the two began walking to the course.

“Oh,” Preston called out, getting his daughter’s attention, “and whatever happens, just remember one thing. You’re a Northwest. Don’t lose.”

With that, the car door slammed shut, and the limo drove off into the night.

Pacifica sighed, before getting her game face back on. So her parents wouldn’t be there to watch. Fine. She wasn’t doing this for them anyway. Pacifica was doing this for herself. With that in mind, she walked into the course, her trainer close behind.

“How much you wanna bet they’re no-shows?” the blonde asked the russian.

As soon as she said the words, lights turned on throughout the park, leading up to Mabel resting her arm on a golf club while standing on a golf ball statue.

“Looking for someone?” Mabel asked, a cocky grin on her face.

“Waiting in the dark, not creepy at all…” Pacifica muttered, rolling her eyes.

At that, Dipper walked up, munching on a corn dog with mustard. “Oh, did I miss your big reveal?”

“Dipper, c’mon!” Mabel complained. “I put a lot work into timing that ri- Where did you get that corn dog?”

“Concession stand,” Dipper responded with a shrug. “This place seriously has no security. I just walked in and picked one up.”

“Ooh, I want one!” Mabel said.

“Ahem!” Pacifica coughed, clapping her hands imperially to bring back the twins attention. “Can we get started, or are you both just going to stand around talking about stealing cheap commoner food?”

“Oh yeah, right,” Mabel said, turning back to the blonde. “I’ve gotta kick your butt in mini-golf.”

“Yeah, sure,” Pacifica scoffed. “Seriously though, I don’t know why you bothered to come. Unless you’ve got something up your sleeve?”

“I dunno,” Mabel said coyly. “What  _ do _ I have up my sleeve?”

Mabel tugged the sleeve of her T-shirt up, and out from it dropped her red golf ball. The ball rolled down the girl’s arm, before a flick of Mabel’s wrist sent the ball arcing up behind her. Using her foot to kick the ball back over her like a hacky sack, Mabel caught it on the tip of her pointer finger. The ball balanced for few seconds, before Mabel let the ball drop into her palm. She smirked at Pacifica.

The blonde tried to act unimpressed. “Neat trick, I guess. Let’s see how that helps you on the course.”

“Eighteen holes,” Sergei stated, laying out the rules. “Standard rules. Winner lives in glory, loser wallows in eternal shame. On your mark, get set, mini-golf!”

With that, the two began their game, each going to Hole 1.

“Ladies first,” Pacifica commented snidely as she took to the course.

Mabel stuck her tongue out at the girl in a little pout, but allowed the blonde to go.

Pacifica lined up her ball, and slowly brought her club back, taking a few test swings to ensure that her aim was good. Pacifica thought out her shot. Getting all the way through the dragon could be a bit tricky. It was tied with the windmill for having a mind of its own on the various holes. Still, Pacifica knew a good way to optimize her chances.

The blonde struck her ball hard, causing it to fly over the pegs and bridge and straight into the dragon’s mouth. It clunked around inside for a bit, before rolling out onto the green. The ball approached the hole slowly, and…

Stopped just before falling into the hole.

Pacifica simmered silently as she walked over to the green. She could’ve sworn she’d hit the ball just right, but apparently not.

With a simple tap, Pacifica knock her ball into the hole for a hole in two. Oh well, its not like she couldn’t easily make up this minor set back. The rest of the holes were much easier for her.

“Alright Nachos,” Pacifica said as she stepped off the green. “You’re up. Let’s see what you can-”

As soon as Pacifica was out of the way, Mabel struck her ball into the air, much like her opponent had done. Unlike the blonde, however, Mabel didn’t aim at the dragon. She shot her ball right over the patch of grass between start and end of the hole counted as out of bounds. The ball landed straight into the hole, bouncing up before settling in its place.

A hole in one.

“Oh yeah!” Mabel said as she danced in place.

“Nice,” Dipper nodded.

Pacifica gaped at what she’d just seen. ‘ _ Did… Did she just…? How in the world did she…? _ ’

Pacifica turned her disbelieving gawking into a frustrated grimace as Mabel continued dancing.

“Okay, Happy Gilmore,” Dipper said, pulling his sister onward. “You’ve still got seventeen holes left.”

“Right, right,” Mabel said with excited nods as she stopped dancing. “Let’s go!”

Pacifica ground her teeth together. ‘ _ So freaking  _ **_chipper._ ** ’

The two stepped up to the next hole, the wild west. Pacifica wasted no time in lining up her shot, and struck the ball. She cursed the moment her ball took off, realizing that in her frustration, she’d hit the ball at the wrong angle. Fortunately, the ball seemed to hit a few uneven patches in the fake grass, and the ball found its target regardless. Nearly stopping short again, the ball took a sudden fall into the hole, landing Pacifica a hole in one.

‘ _ Yes! _ ’ Pacifica thought triumphantly.

Mabel nodded at the sight and stepped up to the starting area. Pacifica seemed to be getting into the groove of things, and while Mabel held the lead, a single mistake would allow Pacifica the chance to overtake her.

The blonde glared at her opponent. ‘ _ Come on, miss! All I need is for you to fall two points behind! Miss! _ ’

With a powerful strike, Mabel hit her ball, sending it up into the air again. Just like before, it flew over all of the twists and turns it was supposed to take, going straight for the hole. However, Pacifica noted with glee, this time it was going too high. It was going to miss the hole completely, and would probably go out of bounds.

‘ _ Serves you right! _ ’ Pacifica thought. ‘ _ As if you could win with a bunch of dumb trick sho-! _ ’

The blonde’s thoughts were cut short by Mabel’s ball hitting a fake cactus next to the hole. The impact caused the ball to pop straight up into the air, before falling straight down into the hole, scoring Mabel another hole in one.

“What!?!” Pacifica exclaimed in shock.

“Aw yeah, up top!” Mabel said as she high-fived her brother.

“No!” Pacifica ranted as she stormed over to the twins. “You’re cheating, you have to be!”

“Oh does she?” Dipper asked rhetorically. “Tell me, how did she manage that? Invent a homing golf ball?”

“Shut it, Crazy!” Pacifica snapped. “I don’t know how, but you’re cheating! No one can just ‘make’ a shot like that, it’s impossible!”

“Nope!” Mabel said happily. “It’s just the ol’ Mabel skills!”

“She been making shots like that since she was little,” Dipper chimed in. “So, want to back out yet?”

Pacifica growled. “... No. Let’s just get going.”

“Woo-hoo!” Mabel cheered. “Next hole! Next hole!”

The group walked on to the pirate ship hole. Pacifica was careful with her shot this time, not wanting to rely on luck. She hit her ball into the ship, and listened to the sounds of it moving around. A few seconds later, the ball was shot out of one of the back cannons and landed perfectly in the hole.

‘ _ There! _ ’ Pacifica thought. ‘ _ Top that, sweater skirt! _ ’

With a light step, Mabel walked up, set her ball, wound up her shot, and struck the ball. It soared up into the air. Mabel’s ball bounced off of the deck of the ship and continued into the hole on the island. Another perfect score.

“Gragh!” Pacifica shrieked as she gripped her hair.

“Okay, next hole!” Mabel said happily, skipping off.

“Sergei,” Pacifica whispered harshly at her instructor, “she has to be cheating, right?”

“I no think so,” Sergei responded. “Everything seem right. Girl is good as she says. Is most impressive, no?”

“No,” Pacifica lied with a growl. “She can’t keep making crazy shots like that. Eventually she’ll mess up, and then I’ll take the lead and never give it back.”

At that, Pacifica went off to start her comeback.

 

**_… neetruoF seloh retal…_ **

 

Pacifica did not in fact start a comeback in the next hole.

Or the next.

Or the next…

It was absolutely maddening. Mabel continuously made increasingly more absurd shots that managed to be holes in one EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Pacifica had even managed to keep getting perfect scores on each subsequent hole. But thanks to that first mistake she was  _ still _ behind her opponent, who had given her absolutely zero leeway. Still, she had one more chance.

Pacifica took a deep breath to calm her raging nerves. She watched the spinning of the windmill blades, preparing the timing of her shot. With practiced speed and precision, she swung her club and sent the ball straight into the mill. With a few thunks and clunks, the ball rolled out the back of the structure and fell straight into the hole.

‘ _ Alright! _ ’ Pacifica thought as she stepped aside. ‘ _ Now if Mabel misses twice, I win. She didn’t do well on this hole earlier, and with the huge windmill in the way, she won’t be able to do any trick shots. She’ll have to get it through the mill, which she doesn’t know how to do right. Her hitting the blades or missing once she makes it through are both long shots, but… _ ’

As Pacifica lined up her odds, Mabel took aim and fired. The blonde nearly cheered as the ball arced up into the air, flying right at the windmill. But she soon realized such cheering would’ve been empty. To her complete disbelief, when Mabel’s ball struck the mill, it bounced off to the side. Somehow, Mabel had timed her shot perfectly so that her ricocheted ball was struck by the windmill’s blade. The second impact knocked the ball around the mill, and it landed on the green. It would’ve stopped there, if not for the slight slant of the ground. With a steady pace, the ball rolled up to the hole and tumbled right in.

And that was game.

Pacifica was speechless at what she’d just seen. It… it couldn’t be possible. This wasn’t like the party. This was a game of pure skill. She couldn’t have lost in a game of pure skill. She was a NORTHWEST. Northwests never lose. She  _ couldn’t  _ lose.

‘ _ No… _ ’ Pacifica thought, feeling her anger build. ‘ _ No, no, NO-! _ ’

“ **NO!** ”

“Yeah!” Pacifica agreed, before blinking. “... Wait, who said that?”

The group looked to the windmill and saw a panel in the side of the mini-structure open. Inside was an even mini-er village, with more mini mini-golf people dressed in stereotypical mini-Swedish outfits, including the mini-est mini-clogs and mini- You know what? Everything is really tiny. Got it? Good.

“ **No, no NO!!!** ” one of the tiny golf ball people, a blue one, ranted. “ **YOU!!!** ”

Mabel glanced warily at the tiny creature pointing at her. “... Me?”

“Yes, you!” the ball person shouted. “We Lilliputtians control the balls! Us! We decide who scores what! We determine the fates of games! You don’t get to, to  **bypass** us!”

“You tell her, Franz!” cheered one of the Lilliputtians (that name though).

“Uh, I don’t know what these things are,” Pacifica said, trying to conceal how lost she was. “But I totally agree. Your game is-”

“Oh, and don’t get us started on you!” Franz interrupted. “We wanted you to show her up, but you couldn’t win even when we started giving you free holes in one!”

“Wait, you did what now?!” Pacifica snapped at the tiny creatures. “How dare you interfere with my playing, you little creeps!”

“You hugelings have been ticking us off all night!” Franz continued on. “And we’ve all decided that you don’t belong on any of these eighteen holes!”

The rest of the creatures in the mill cheered their agreement.

“Ahem!” Fanz cleared his throat, getting the rest to quiet down. “So basically, we’re going to kill you. Just in case that wasn’t clear.”

“Oh yeah?” Mabel asked as she swung her golf club around to show off. “You and what mini-army?”

At that, Franz snapped his fingers. Some other Lilliputtians in the mill started ringing a bell, and all throughout the park, ball people started emerging from the various courses, each dressed in theme with their respective hole.

“... Why do you do things?” Dipper asked his sister with deadpan frustration.

Mabel laughed uncomfortably. “... Well, hey, at least they’re unarmed?”

The Lilliputtians all pulled out mini golf pencils, ends sharped into spear points.

“... I’ll stop talking now,” Mabel said.

“Thank you,” her brother responded.

“Get them!” Franz shouted.

The Lilliputtians all shouted as they charged the humans present. Pacifica tried turning and running, but she saw that the creatures were surrounding them from all sides.

“We’re trapped!” the blonde shouted. “Wh-What do we do?”

“Oh for crying out…” Dipper muttered as he walked over to Sergei and grabbed one of Pacifica’s clubs from the bag he was carrying. “Just golf!”

“Oh,” Pacifica said as she glanced at the club in her hand and her attackers. “Right.”

The kids began whacking the creatures as they approached, knocking the swarming forces back. Pacifica struck an entire row of Lilliputtians before her, which caused a domino effect as they collided with the ones behind them, and so on. Pacifica smirked at the sight of a large number of the swarm being dealt with just like that. Although, the Lilliputtians weren’t as happy with the development.

“Take out ze blonde!” a french one shouted.

Pacifica let out a started exclamation as the creatures threw a dozen of their pencil spears at her. She raised her arm up and closed her eyes, trying to protect her face. After a few seconds of nothing, Pacifica risked cracking an eye open enough to see what was going on, and was surprised to find herself face-to-face with Mabel. The brunette had apparently stepped in front her, arms spread in a protective fashion.

With an angry grunt, Mabel swung around and struck the closest Lilliputtian to her. Her target flew back amongst the attacking crowd, hitting more creatures and sending them flying into others, even as the first one bounced around hitting yet more. It was like hitting a grouping of billiards balls, but even crazier.

But while Mabel’s shot was very impressive, that wasn’t what captured Pacifica’s attention. With the brunette’s back to her, she could see the various pencils sticking out of her, and the few drops of red seeping into the white of her shirt let the blonde know that the makeshift weapons did indeed break the skin.

‘ _ Why did she…? _ ’ Pacifica wondered, before dismissing the thought and getting back to the matter at hand.

“Fire!” the captain of the pirate ship shouted.

The kids eyes widened as the cannons on the pirate ship took aim at them and shot out three Lilliputtians at them. Without thinking, Dipper pivoted in front of the girls and swung his club out, striking the flying trio in mid air and sending them crashing into the water tower of the cowboy hole.

Dipper blinked. ‘ _ How the heck did I do that? _ ’

“Nice shot, Broseph!” Mabel cheered.

“Fire again!” the captain called out.

Before the cannons could be used again, Mabel hit a nearby Lilliputtian and sent them careening through the mast of the ship. The center mast fell, the ship’s sail covering the cannons and catching their projectiles.

“What!?” the captain exclaimed. “Move that outta the way! Move it, ye landlubbers!”

“Nice shot yourself, Sis!” Dipper responded, giving Mabel a high five.

“If you two are done patting yourselves on the back!” Pacifica shouted as she furiously struck at the swarm. “You might want to see that we’re running out of space!”

Indeed, despite their efforts, the swarm of Lilliputtians wasn’t letting up. The trio’s space was getting narrower and narrower, as their backs were being pushed to a lamppost.

Dipper gritted his teeth. They needed to get out of there, but they didn’t have an escape route. What could they do?

He looked up at the lamp, and saw it had a thick cable of lights leading off to another post, which happened to have a golf cart parked next to it.

“Everyone, climb!” Dipper shouted as he took off up the lamppost.

“What!?!” Pacifica shouted as she tried to beat back the wave of creatures. “What do you think you’re doing!?!”

The blonde got an answer in the form of Dipper hoisting his club over the lighting cable and using it to zipline over the Lilliputtians. He let go at the end of the cable, landing next to the golf cart, and he hopped in, getting it started.

“You heard him, go!” Mabel shouted to the other girl. “I’ll hold them off!”

Pacifica gave the girl a confused, yet thankful look as she scampered up the post and followed Dipper’s lead. Mabel, meanwhile, shot one of her patented ricochet shots, which bounced off of all the Lilliputtians surrounding the lamppost. Mabel seized the opening, jumping up the post and zipping down after her companions. The moment her feet touched the ground she jumped into the cart and Dipper took off like a bullet, tearing across the park.

“Everyone okay?” Dipper asked as he drifted around a corner.

The girls nodded, before Mabel gasped.

“Oh my gosh!” she exclaimed looking at Pacifica. “Where’s your instructor guy!?”

The two looked back and saw Sergei, tied up and being carried off by the Lilliputtians.

“Niet! Niet!” he shouted as he was stuffed into the windmill.

Pacifica blinked before looking away. “... I’ll get a new one.”

With that settled, Dipper put the pedal to the metal, rushing though the park. But looking up at the exit, he had a moment of panic.

“They’re trying to close the doors!” he shouted back. “We can’t make it in time!”

To make matters worse, a pencil spear started poking holes in the roof of the cart. It seemed like one of the Lilliputtians had managed to grab onto the cart before they’d taken off. Mabel glanced forward at what was before them, and she got an idea.

“Drive up the bonus hole ramp!” she shouted to her brother. “Full speed!”

Dipper shrugged, not seeing any better options as he took off. While the boy focused on driving, Mabel climbed up the side of the cart, poking her head up and seeing Franz pointing his pencil spear at her.

“You will pay, hugeling!” Franz told the girl. “We control the fate of every mini-golf game! You will see, you don’t get to ignore us! If we want you to lose, then you have lost already!”

“Oh yeah?” Mabel asked. “What’s ten minus six?”

“Ten minu- what?” Franz said as he began counting on his mini-fingers. “Hang on…”

“Four!”

With a cry, Mabel hit Franz off of the cart’s roof.

“Curse you, maaaaaaaaaaaath!” Franz shouted as he flew into the bonus hole.

The golf cart shot up the bonus hole ramp over the volcano, just as the model erupted. The force of the blast shot the cart up into the air, sailing over the railing and right to the closing exit.

“Everybody hang on!” Dipper shouted.

With a loud crash, the cart landed on the ground and barely managed to make it through the gates, the decorative wings on the side of the vehicle getting snapped off. Dipper slammed on the brakes and spun out to slow them down faster. With a final lurch, the golf cart came to a stop.

And then the cart’s wheels fell off.

“... Well,” Mabel said as she stepped out of the vehicle, “all things considered, I’d say that went pretty well.”

At that, various pencils poked through the wooden gates of the park, and even a large battle ax. The kids heard various boos and jeers from within the park.

“Stay out, you dumb hugelings!” they heard Franz shout from inside.

“What did you say, you little trolls!?” Pacifica yelled back as she walked over to the gates and punched them. “I will sue you! I will sue you and I will own you!”

“Hey Pacifica,” Mabel said, grabbing the blonde by the shoulder and gently pulling her back. “Maybe don’t punch the door with weapons sticking out of it, yeah?”

“Don’t touch me!” Pacifica said, shaking off Mabel’s hand before glancing at the ax in the door and taking a few steps back.

Mabel raised her hands in surrender, backing away from the girl. The reaction, in light of everything, caused an unexpected pain of some kind to grip Pacifica’s insides (it’s called “guilt” FYI).

“Ma-Mabel,” Pacifica said hesitantly. “I, uh… Th-Thanks… For, uh… for saving my life, and all…”

“No prob!” Mabel responded happily, not even fazed by the fact that their lives had been in mortal peril mere moments before. “And hey, with everything that happened, maybe we can just call the game undecided? But I still want a rematch! Someplace with less tiny murder creatures, though.”

There was no reason to agree. On the contrary, she had every reason to turn the offer down. Pacifica had seen first hand that, even with someone cheating for her (which she still DESPISED that such a thing had happened) she had no chance against Mabel. By then she’d accepted that the girl was her better in mini-golf, unequivocally. And by Mabel’s own decision, the game didn’t have to count. So technically, Pacifica hadn’t lost. Which was good, because as a Northwest, she  _ couldn’t _ lose, under any circumstances. But she knew if she agreed to play Mabel again, lose is what she would do. The one thing that she couldn’t let happen would happen. And yet…

“Sure,” Pacifica answered. “Why not? It sounds like fun.”

It did. It really did.

“Alright!” Mabel said, pumping her fists. “And hey, if it makes you feel better I can dial back the trick shots a bit.”

Pacifica frowned. “Don’t push it, Nachos.”

With that said, Stan and Soos pulled up in the Pines family car, and Dipper started climbing in the back. Mabel, however, took a look around the parking lot and frowned.

“Hey, your parents aren’t here...” Mabel said, seeming legitimately saddened, before perking up again. “Want a ride home?”

“Ugh, please,” Pacifica scoffed. “As if I’d ride in your-”

The blonde was cut off by a flash of lightning, quickly followed by booming thunder.

Pacifica sighed. “Fine…”

“Woo-hoo!” Mabel cheered, stepping back to let Pacifica in first.

The girl slid in next to Dipper, who gave a disinterested nod of acknowledgement. Not exactly warm, but the blonde figured it beat open hostility. Mabel hopped in after her, but immediately grimaced, lurching forward in her seat and hissing in pain.

“Mabel?” Pacifica asked, put off by the reaction. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” Mabel said, wincing as she shut the car door and looked behind her. “Just forgot these were here…”

Pacifica looked and saw the pencils, still sticking out Mabel’s back. A renewed swell of that uncomfortable feeling (GUILT, Pacifica, it’s guilt) rose in her chest at the sight, remembering that the only reason those pencils weren’t sticking out of herself was because Mabel was willing to be a human shield. Pacifica watched as Mabel tried and failed to reach behind herself and pull out the pencils.

“H-Here,” Pacifica said, getting the girl’s attention. “Let me help.”

With a level of caution and gentleness Pacifica wasn’t even aware she possessed, she began slowly removing the pencils, trying not to make a wrong move even as Mabel flinched. With the care of a surgeon, she removed the last of the little spikes.

Mabel rolled her shoulders, still feeling some pain, but feeling much better regardless. “Thanks Pacifica. Gonna have to fix the shirt later, though…”

“You…” Pacifica started. “You were stabbed. Repeatedly. How are you just… okay?”

Mabel shrugged. “It’s not that bad. I’ve had worse before.”

Before Pacifica could stop herself, she wondered if the “worse” Mabel had gotten was from her mother. She looked away, not wanting to entertain  _ that _ uncomfortable thought for too long. While glancing to her side, she noticed Dipper giving her a look that she couldn’t quite identify. It wasn’t quite judging, or suspicion, or disapproval, though it carried tinges of all of those expressions. Pacifica got the feeling that he was reevaluating what he thought of her, but wasn’t sure where he landed at the moment. Pacifica decided that she’d much rather not look at either of the twins, so she turned forward and…

‘ _ When did we start driving? _ ’

Apparently the blonde had been so focused on un-pincushioning Mabel she hadn’t realized that the car had started moving. Judging from the surroundings, they were about halfway to her house.

Pacifica tried very,  _ very _ hard not to breathe through her nose. She rested her hand with her golfing glove on the backseat cushion, where she was sitting between the Pines twins. She then immediately retracted her hand when it rested in a sticky stain of some kind.

‘ _ Ewwwww… _ ’ Pacifica thought, thoroughly disgusted.

“Hey!” Mabel exclaimed, reaching behind the back seat. “I found tacos! Open up, Bro-Bro!”

“No Mabel,” Dipper said, “I’m not hungr-”

As he spoke, his sister reached across Pacifica and shoved on of the tacos in his mouth, effectively shutting him up.

“... You’re allowed to eat in the car?” Pacifica asked, confused by their great uncle’s lack of protest.

“Yeah!” Mabel answered. “The car is where secret surprise snacks happen! Want one?”

“Oh, I’m not supposed to take handouts,” Pacifica responded.

“Handouts? It’s called sharing!” Mabel said with a laugh, before her eyes narrowed slightly. “... You do know what sharing is, right?”

“S… Shaar-ing?” Pacifica tried.

“... Just take it,” Mabel responded, shoving the taco in Pacifica’s mouth.

The blonde’s eyes widened at the act, certain what had just happened had been some kind of violation of something. She looked around to see if anyone thought what had just happened was weird, but Dipper simply shrugged.

“You get used to it,” he said, remarkably clear considering his mouth was full of food.

Pacifica glanced back at Mabel, and saw that the girl was too busy munching on her own taco to notice her reaction.

‘ _ These people are weird, _ ’ Pacifica thought as she began eating the taco. ‘ _ Huh, this actually isn’t bad. _ ’

After a few more minutes of driving and snacking, the car pulled up to the front gate of the Northwest Mansion. Swallowing the last of her taco, Mabel opened up the car door and got out, allowing Pacifica to step out.

“So, um…” Pacifica started awkwardly. “Thanks for the ride, or whatever.”

“No problem, girl,” Mabel said as she got back into the car. “See you around?”

“Uh, yeah,” Pacifica answered. “I guess so. Oh, and tell your servant I like his W-neck.”

“Yes!” Soos said triumphantly as the flap of his collar fell.

Dipper watched out the window as Pacifica walked up to the front gate. “... So, are you guys cool now?”

“I think we made some progress,” Mabel answered. “The important thing to remember is that at the end of the day, she’s just an ordinary kid like us.”

As Mabel said that, the Mansion’s front gates opened, revealing several fountains, peacocks roaming the yard, and a bright neon “Congratulations Pacifica” sign with fireworks hailing her return.

“... Should’ve charged her for that taco,” Dipper commented.

“AAA-greed!” Mabel said with her trademark smile.

 

**22-7-9-15-12-15-9-7’-25   19-21-20-11-5   15-25   7-18-19-21-25-0   7-25   8-25   7-25   19-7-8-11-18’-25   13-21-18-12   25-17-15-18-18-25.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, and welcome back to Fighting in the Falls. This new update schedule is going to take some getting used to. Last Monday I was like, "Alright, I'll just upload a chapter, and- Oh yeah, it's only half finished. Kill me." True story.
> 
> Anyway, here we have the mini-golf chapter! The mini-chapter of mini-champions! Real talk though, you have NO IDEA how much I held back from just sticking "mini" in front of every word. You're welcome.
> 
> This was my second attempt at fleshing out Pacifica's character a bit more. Instead of how the show just kind of threw Mabel and Pacifica's rivalry in the trashcan, I decided to keep it. Friendly rivalries are a lot of fun, and I figured it would be a nice way to show Pacifica's growth that she's now okay with competing just for fun, and caring less about the family name. It could be interesting to see the way Pacifica develops alongside these different versions of the twins. Who else is looking forward to Northwest Mansion Mystery?
> 
> Oh, and this chapter marks the point where Fighting in the Falls has officially broken 100,000 words. Cue fireworks!
> 
> Aside from that, not to much to say about this chapter. It was mostly character growth, crazy trick-shots, and Dipper still not being able to aim worth crap. Oh well, maybe I'll have more to say about the next chapter. Which one was that again...?  
> Oh.  
> OH.
> 
> Remember to leave any likes, dislikes, and questions about this story you have in the comments. I appreciate whatever feedback you have on how I can improve. Next time, well...
> 
> "A Sock And A Hard Place."
> 
> ... See you then.


	20. A Sock And A Hard Place

“Okay Mabel, today’s the day.”

The Pines twins sat at a desk in the Gravity Falls library. Soos had finally managed to fix the laptop that they found in the bunker, and Dipper was unusually excited. After a month and a half of dead ends, finally he was making significant progress. He really felt like he was doing something important, trying to figure out this secret.

“If this thing works,” Dipper continued, “we could learn the identity of the Author and unravel the greatest mysteries of Gravity Falls. You ready?”

“Yeah!” Mabel said, pumping her fists into the air.

With great anticipation, Dipper flipped the power switch. The two heard mechanical whirring from the old device, and the rig began to shake. Dipper grew worried that the machine was beyond repair, but his fears were soon alleviated. With a few beeps, the screen blinked to life, displaying some kind of logo with various circles and a triangle.

“Yes!” Dipper said triumphantly. “It worked!”

“ _ Mystery Twins~ _ ” the two said as they pointed to each other with sly grins.

The siblings revelry was cut short, however, when the screen suddenly went dark and the machine became silent again.

“... Powerline must be broken, or something,” Dipper said with a frown as he examined the laptop. “Needs more tape, I guess…”

“Ooh, ooh!” Mabel said enthusiastically as she snagged the machine from her brother. “I know how to fix computers! Stan taught me this trick!”

Dipper’s eyes widened in panic. “Mabel, no, wait-!”

In one swift motion, Mabel slammed her fist down on top of the laptop. She left a decent-sized dent in the frame, and the computer started making sputtering noises as a plume of smoke drifted up from the device.

Mabel sunk back into her chair as Dipper gave her a glare that would’ve been funny if it wasn’t directed at her.

“Heh, heh,” Mabel laughed out awkwardly as she looked away. “Oops…”

“Great…” Dipper muttered. “Guess we’ll REALLY need Soos to have another go at this thing, now…”

“Heh, yeah…” Mabel mumbled. “Guess so- Did you hear that?”

Sure enough, the twins heard the sound of singing. They looked around, and saw a handsome young blonde boy putting on a puppet show for kids gathered in the library.

“ _ All my life I’ve been dreamin’ of a love that’s right for me~ _

_ And now I finally know her name and it’s…~  _ Sing it with me, kids.”

“ _ Literacy~! _ ” the group sang along.

“I finally understand what all the buzz is about,” the blonde’s bee puppet said. “Reading!”

“Give me some of that honey!” the book puppet said, giving the bee puppet a kiss.

Mabel stared in awe as the blonde boy laughed. “Ba-bump. Ba-bump.”

“Oh,” Dipper muttered. “We’re doing this again.  _ Great… _ ”

“Just when I was getting over Mermando, of course, you show up at my doorstep…” Mabel mumbled as she stared at the boy.

“Just go talk to him,” Dipper said, fiddling with the device to see if he could salvage it. “Get this whole song and dance over with quickly, please. And try not to punch anymore evidence while you do it.”

Mabel squealed excitedly as she zipped over to the wrapping up puppet show.

“ _ That’s why we don’t stick our hands in, other people’s mouths~! _ ” the blonde boy finished singing before addressing the crowd. “Hey, I’m Gabe Benson, ya’ll. Good night!”

At that, the kids dispersed, leaving with their parents as Gabe got ready to clean up.

“Hey, good job today, you guys,” Gabe told his puppets.

“You were late on your cue!” the book puppet told the bee puppet.

“WHAT?” the bee exclaimed indignantly.

“Hey hey, be good to each other,” Gabe told his puppets. “We’re all stars.”

…  _ Ahem _ . Possible schizophrenia aside, Mabel approached with stars in her eyes.

“Hey!” Mabel said as she walked up to the puppet guy. “Guess who’s Mabel! I am. Care to learn more? I bet you do. You like to learn.”

“Oh, hey,” the boy greeted. “I’m Gabe. Master of puppets. Nice to meet you.”

“You’re amazing with those puppets,” Mabel told him with awed sincerity.

“Really?” Gabe asked happily, before frowning. “A lot of people think puppets are dumb, or, just for kids or something.”

“Are you kidding me?” Mabel asked incredulously. “I’m puppet-CRAZY! People call me Puppet-Crazy-Mabel!”

“Really?” Gabe said. “People used to call me Puppet-Crazy-Gabe! So when’s your next puppet show?”

Mabel blinked. “My huh?”

“I mean,” Gabe said, “you can’t truly love puppets if you’re not throwing puppet shows, right?”

“Ha, yeah…” Mabel laughed awkwardly. “I mean I’m TOTALLY working on a puppet show.”

“Oh, what are the details?” Gabe asked, curious.

Mabel let out an uncomfortable chuckle. “There are soooo many details…”

Dipper hung up his cell phone as Mabel returned to her seat. “Okay, I just talked to Soos and he said he’d take another crack at it. So, what went wrong this time? Did he turn out to be, like, a fairy, or something?”

“If only!” Mabel said wistfully. “No magical creature wings and flight dust can save me from this…”

“That’s not- You know what, nevermind,” Dipper cut himself off. “What happened?”

Mabel glanced away, before looking back at her brother. “Dipper, how hard do you think it’d be to write and compose a sock puppet rock opera with lights, original music and live pyrotechnics by Friday?”

Dipper gave his sister a deadpan stare. “You  **_didn’t…_ ** ”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!” Mabel exclaimed as she grabbed her brother by the shoulders. “I got lost in his eyes and his ponytails and I’m gonna be so embarrassed on Friday if I don’t have ANYTHING.”

“What about the laptop?” Dipper asked. “You know, Mystery Twins?”

“If you help me with this for JUST a couple of days I promise I’ll help with the laptop! Please, pretty please!” Mabel pleaded, before dropping to a whisper. “It’s for love, Dipper.”

Mabel gave her brother her best hopeful puppy dog face.

Dipper sighed. “ _... Fine- _ ”

The boy was cut off by Mabel as she instantly gripped her brother in a hug.

“YES!” she exclaimed. “THANK YOU! THIS GUY! HE’S NUMBER ONE!”

“Okay, okay, okay, shhhh…” Dipper muttered, trying to quiet the enthusiastic girl.

With that the two gathered up there things and started walking out of the library.

“I can’t wait to get to the bottom of this laptop,” Dipper said to his sister. “We’re close to something big here, I can feel it…”

 

**_… lareveS syad retal…_ **

 

Mechanical beeping noises echoed into the night air. Dipper sat on the edge of the roof hang out spot, growing increasingly frustrated. That past few days had been chaotic, to say the least. Mabel’s “Sock Opera” was consuming nearly every waking moment of everyone’s lives. Even with Wendy, Candy, Grenda, and a mysterious amount of funds to pull the whole thing off that was donated by someone Mabel had promised she wouldn’t reveal (Dipper had a pretty good idea of who it was, anyway), putting together a huge production like this with so little time was soul draining.

Sleep deprivation aside, there was also the laptop. Soos had managed to fix up the device again, but the boy ran into a new problem. The computer was password-protected (since being bunker-protected wasn’t good enough, apparently), so Dipper wouldn’t be able to glean the contents until he could guess what the eight-letter password was. He thought with two Journals he could figure something out that would get him into the device, but no such luck. So here he was, trying EVERY word he could think of to get into the laptop.

That went about as well as you’d expect.

Dipper grimaced as the ERROR noise beeped out harshly for what had to be the millionth time.

“I can’t take this sound anymore…” the boy grumbled through clenched teeth. “I’m not getting anywhere like this. What I need is a codebreaker, or a hacker. But who could get into this thing for me?”

At the question, the wind suddenly picked up. Dipper looked around, and rose to his feet when the moon rolled forward, becoming a giant eye.

“ _ I THINK I KNOW A GUY, _ ” reverberated through the air.

With a flash, Bill floated before Dipper, the color having vanished from the world. Dipper realized he must’ve fallen asleep. But that was good. If he was in the dream world, then he could fight Bill if he needed to. And the boy would likely be more powerful in his own mind as opposed to someone else’s, so he was…  _ probably _ okay?

“WELL, WELL, WELL,” Bill said as he floated down to the boy. “YOU’RE AWFULLY PERSISTENT, PINE TREE. HATS OFF TO YOU!”

Bill tipped his top hat, tilting the world sideways as he did so. Dipper nearly tumbled off the roof, before remembering he was in the mind. He began floating in the air, righting himself as Bill put his hat back on and the world returned to its correct position.

“You again,” Dipper said with a glare as he touched back down on the roof.

“DID YOU MISS ME?” Bill asked cheekily. “ADMIT IT, YOU MISSED ME.”

“Like cancer,” Dipper snarked with an eye roll. “Here to try to destroy my mind this time?”

“YIKES, TAKE IT EASY, KID,” Bill said. “IT WAS JUST A JOB, NO HARD FEELINGS! I’VE BEEN KEEPING AN  **EYE ON YOU** SINCE THEN, AND I MUST SAY I’M IMPRESSED!”

“Must you, now?” Dipper asked, suspicion obvious.

“YOU DESERVE A PRIZE!” Bill told the boy. “HERE, HAVE A HEAD THAT’S ALWAYS SCREAMING!”

With a clap of his hands, a disembodied head appeared on the roof next to Dipper, letting out wrathful and pained screams.

‘ _ Well, that’s disconcerting, _ ’ Dipper thought, taking a few steps away from the head.

Bill snapped his fingers, and the head vanished as its flesh, muscle, and bones peeled off layer by layer.

‘ _ Yep, _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ That was worse. That was, in fact, much worse. That will haunt my nightmares. _ ’

“HAHAHA…” Bill laughed, before getting back to business. “THE POINT IS, I LIKE YOU. HOW’S ABOUT YOU LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT, HUH? I ONLY ASK FOR A SMALL  **FAVOR** IN RETURN.”

At the offer, Bill extended a hand, both it and his eye igniting with blue fire.

“If you think I’d EVER make a deal with you, then you really are crazy,” Dipper said. “Now beat it before I kick you out myself.”

At that, Dipper summoned the red and purple sword he’d used last time he was in the mindscape.

“Don’t forget who defeated you last time,” he said with a hardened glare.

Bill snorted. “RIGHT, YOU ‘DEFEATED’ ME. WELL IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND I’LL BE HERE FOR YOU, READY TO MAKE A DEEAAALL… HEY, WANNA HEAR MY IMPRESSION OF YOU IN ABOUT THREE SECONDS?  _ GASP! CONCERNED PANTING! _ ”

With a startled gasp, Dipper shot up, awake. Panting heavily, he glanced around, concern etched on his face.

‘ _ This can’t be good… _ ’

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht nehctik…_ **

 

“Hey, I’m puppet Staaaannn!” Mabel said as she waved her Stan puppet in the face of non-puppet Stan.

“Still ignoring this,” the old man said.

Dipper walked in with a yawn. “Hey Mabel…”

“Woah, bag check for Dipper’s eyes!” Stan laughed. “... Nobody?”

“Dipper, I told you to get some sleep last night!” Mabel admonished, before holding up a blender of red-ish sparkly liquid. “Here, wake up with some Mabel Juice. It has plastic dinosaurs in it!”

“It’s like if coffee and nightmares had a baby!” Stan said with a disturbed look.

Dipper pushed his sister into the living room, thankfully leaving the abomination of a beverage behind. “Mabel, listen. Last night I had a dream with Bill in it.”

“Wait, hold up, the triangle guy?” Mabel asked, suddenly concerned.

“He said he’d give me the code to the laptop if I gave him something,” Dipper said. “Thankfully, I’ve seen literally ANY horror movie before.”

“Don’t worry, Bro,” Mabel said as she lead her twin outside the Shack. “Today’s the day that the Mystery Twins are back in action! I’ll help you crack that code. I’ve just got to hand off my puppet stuff to my production crew.”

“Production crew?” Dipper asked incredulously. “Really?”

As they walked out, they saw Candy and Grenda standing together, while Soos and Wendy were trying to load the supplies onto Stan’s car.

“We read the script,” Candy said with a nod. “Very emotional.”

“I cried like eight times,” Grenda agreed.

“Hey ladies.”

The group turned and saw a particular blonde guy rollerblading toward them.

“GABE!” Mabel exclaimed excitedly.

“I was just bladin’ by,” the boy said as he took off his helmet and shook out his hair. “Helps me dry out my ponytail after a shower.”

“Hubbity-hubbity…” Grenda mumbled.

Candy whispered something in what Dipper was pretty sure was Korean. He didn’t know exactly what she said, but considering the look the Asian girl was giving Gabe, it probably meant something along the lines of, “Thirst levels rising.”

“It’s so great to see you!” Mabel said. “I was just working on the world’s greatest puppet show. IT HAS PUPPETS!”

“Your passion is so refreshing, Mabel,” Gabe said. “Unlike the girl from last night’s puppet show. Single-stitch on one puppet, and cross-stitch on the other? I was like, ‘Uh-uh!’”

“Cross-huh?” Mabel muttered, and cold sweat breaking out on her face.

“Naturally I deleted her off my cell phone contacts list,” Gabe said with disdain.

‘ _ You  _ SURE _ know how to pick ‘em, Mabel, _ ’ Dipper thought with an eye roll and a yawn.

“N-NATURALLY!” Mabel stuttered out with nervous laughter.

“I know you won’t let me down,” Gabe said, oblivious to the girl’s panic. “Based on what you said the other day, you must be a puppet expert.”

“You know Gabe, you look pretty sweaty,” Grenda said. “You should really take your shirt off. Right? Aren’t we all thinking that?”

“Later, ladies,” Gabe said as he skated off.

Mabel managed to hold her freak out in until the blonde boy was far in the distance.

“GWAAA!!!” she exclaimed. “We gotta up our game, girls! Did you hear that thing he said about the stitches?!”

“Don’t worry, Mabel, your crew can handle it!” Grenda declared, before accidentally ripping her puppet self that she held in her hands. “Oops.”

“How many eyes does a face have again?” Candy asked as she held up a puppet with googly eyes glued haphazardly all over it.

The group suddenly turned to the sound of a huge crash, and saw that the mountain of props had fallen off the car, and Soos with them.

“I’m not okay!” the handyman announced.

Mabel screamed, before she started to run off. “Okay, I’m back on fabrication! Get me my lint roller!”

“Hey!” Dipper said as he grabbed his sister by the arm. “You just said you were going to help me!”

“DIPPER!” Mabel cried. “This sock crisis just bumped up to Code Argyle! The laptop can wait!”

“Mabel, do you seriously think that your random crush of the week is more important than uncovering the mysteries of this town?” Dipper asked, growing frustrated. “We all know how this is going to end. Gabe will turn out to be a monster or something, and you’ll be back to pining after whoever comes next.”

“So what, I should just give up?!” Mabel asked. “I’ll never find anyone like that, Dipper! Just because things didn’t work out with you and Wendy doesn’t mean they can’t work for me!”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Wendy,” Dipper spat out, ignoring that particular low blow. “This has everything to do with you promising that you’d be there for me, and then bailing.”

“Not being there for you!?” Mabel asked incredulously. “How many times did I help you with your crush!? And you can’t do the same for me?!”

“I never asked you to help with mine!” Dipper exclaimed. “In fact, I seem to remember telling you several times NOT to get involved, not that you listened! Thanks again for getting us stuck with a killer monster, by the way!”

Dipper released his grip on his sister, walking off with a huff.

“Whatever,” he muttered as he left. “I’ll do it myself. Have fun with your puppet show. I’m sure Gabe won’t ‘ _ delete you from his contact list _ ’ when he finds out you have no idea what you’re doing.”

Dipper slammed the door to the Shack behind him, leaving Wendy, Soos, Candy, and Grenda to awkwardly whistle and pretend that they didn’t just hear that. Mabel stared at where her brother had gone, frowning. She wiped away the mist starting to build up in her eyes, before getting a determined look on her face.

‘ _ I’ll show that big jerk! _ ’ she thought as she went to get the puppets and rework them. ‘ _ This time’ll be different! He’ll see! He’ll see… _ ’

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht citta…_ **

 

Dipper growled in frustration, the ERROR sound going off yet again. Of course, nothing could go right today, apparently. Dipper soon realized that sentiment was more correct than he thought, as a message popped up with his most recent failure.

“Too many failed entries,” a digital voice came from the computer. “Initiate data erase in five minutes.”

“What!?!” Dipper exclaimed “ _ Nono _ **_NO!_ ** I’m going to lose everything?!”

Indeed, the timer was already counting down. Furthering the problem, a new message popped up above the timer, reading that another failed entry would trigger erasure of data immediately.

At that, the world turned black and white again, and in popped Bill.

“WELL, WELL, WELL,” the triangle said. “SOMEONE’S LOOKING DESPERATE.”

“I thought I told you to leave me alone!” Dipper snarled.

“I CAN HELP YOU, KID,” Bill spoke as his hand lit with blue fire. “YOU JUST NEED TO HEAR OUT MY DEMANDS.”

Dipper glared at the dream demon, but relented when he saw the timer tick down to only four minutes left.

“What crazy thing do you want?” Dipper asked. “To eat my soul? To rip out my teeth? Are you gonna replace my eyes with baby heads, or something?”

“YEESH, KID, RELAX,” Bill said with a chill-out hand motion. “ALL I WANT IS A PUPPET!”

“A  _ puppet? _ ” Dipper asked, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “Why? For some grand plan I can’t hope to comprehend, or something like that?”

Bill shrugged. “PRETTY MUCH. BUT HEY, LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE A SURPLUS, SO IT SHOULDN’T BE ANY PROBLEM, RIGHT?”

“They’re Mabel’s,” Dipper deflected. “Not mine to give. Sorry, Three-point.”

“SEEMS TO ME ONE LITTLE PUPPET IS A SMALL PRICE TO PAY TO LEARN ALL THE SECRETS OF THE  _ UNIVERSE, _ ” Bill said. “BESIDES, WHAT’S YOUR SISTER DONE FOR LATELY, HMM? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU SACRIFICED FOR HER, HUH? AND HOW OFTEN DOES SHE RETURN THE FAVOR? NOT TOO OFTEN, FROM WHERE I’M FLOATING.”

Dipper frowned. The crazy triangle had a point. It wasn’t like this was the first time Mabel had pulled something like this. His pool job being a recent example. And like with the gnomes, or Gideon, he always seemed to be bailing her out of her problems. Yet when Dipper had something he needed help with, suddenly Dipper’s interests weren’t as important.

Dipper glanced back at the timer, seeing he only had a little under three minutes left. Dipper groaned.

“Alright,” Dipper said. “One puppet. And you have to give me the password first, and let me make sure it’s the real deal.”

“FINE, FINE,” Bill agreed with an eye roll. “YOU WANNA KEEP LETTING THE CLOCK COUNT DOWN, OR ACTUALLY MAKE THE DEAL?”

Bill extended his flaming hand, and Dipper hesitantly shook it.

“ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!” Bill said excitedly. “NOW WE’RE IN BUSINESS! OKAY, THE PASSWORD IS ‘ _ M, P, K, S, M, V, Y, K. _ ’ GO AHEAD AND PUT IT IN, QUICK.”

Dipper nodded, typing the letters in as fast as he could. Once he was sure that they were all in correctly, he hit enter. The countdown stopped, and a “Password Accepted” message appeared. The computer unlocked, opening to what appeared to be a menu of files.

Dipper smiled, relieved. He actually got it!

“THERE, YOU GOT YOUR PASSWORD,” Bill said. “NOW ABOUT MY PAYMENT…”

“Right,” Dipper said. “Which puppet do you want?”

“HMM…” Bill thought, rubbing his… chin? “LET’S SEE. EENIE MEENIE MYNIE…  **YOU** .”

Bill’s hand suddenly lunged at Dipper. Before the boy could even react, Bill ripped Dipper’s essence out of his body. While his flesh fell to the floor, the see-through Dipper floated in the air, watching helplessly as the triangle sunk into his body, laughing maniacally.

“N-No way!” Dipper exclaimed, looking at his see-through form in shock. “Wh-What did you do!?!”

Dipper’s body rose, eyes now resembling Bill’s.

“SORRY KID, BUT YOU’RE  _ MY _ PUPPET NOW!” Bill laughed in Dipper’s body. “ _ AHAHAHA! _ ”

As Bill cackled triumphantly, he grabbed the laptop and threw it to the ground, stomping it to pieces.

“NO!” Dipper shouted in horror.

Bill continued laughing as he stumbled in front of a mirror.

“MAN, IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE INHABITED A BODY!” the demon said as he slapped himself twice in the face. “WOO! HAHA! PAIN IS HILARIOUS! AND TWO EYES? THIS THING’S DELUXE!”

“I should’ve known you’d pull something like this!” Dipper shouted. “What are you after!? What’s all this for!?!”

“LOOK KID,” Bill said, “YOU’VE BEEN GETTING WAY TOO CLOSE TO FIGURING OUT SOME MAJOR ANSWERS. I’VE GOT BIG PLANS COMIN’ AND I DON’T NEED YOU GETTIN’ IN MY WAY. DESTROYING THAT LAPTOP WAS A CINCH. NOW I JUST NEED TO DESTROY YOUR JOURNALS. RACE YA TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS!”

With that, Bill tipped backward and tumbled down the steps with various crash noises occuring.

Panicking at the thought of Bill escaping with his body, Dipper flew down the stairs after him. His eyes darted around, and he spotted the body-snatcher in the kitchen.

“HUMAN SODA!” Bill laughed as he grabbed a Pit Cola from the fridge. “I’M GONNA DRINK IT LIKE A PERSON!”

Bill cracked open the soda, pouring the beverage all over his face and his eyes. Wiping the excess off, Bill turned back to Dipper’s floating form.

“WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE JOURNALS, ANYWAY?” Bill asked as he reached into a drawer and slammed it closed on his new arm repeatedly. “THEY’VE GOTTA BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE. BOY, THESE ARMS ARE DURABLE.”

“I’ve hidden them!” Dipper told the demon. “Somewhere you’ll never find them!”

“Hey Dipper!” Mabel called from the doorway. “I borrowed one of your Journals to use as a prop in the show I hope you don’t mind I’m gonna go before you process this sentence okay BYEE!”

With that, Mabel darted off, and Bill’s smile grew.

“SURE, SOUNDS GREAT, SISTER!” Bill called after the girl, pulling his arm out of the silverware drawer with a fork stuck in it. “I’LL SEE YOU AT THE SHOW!”

“Wait!” Dipper shouted as he floated after his sister. “Mabel, don’t listen to him! That’s not me!”

He got outside the Shack just in time to see Mabel hop into Stan’s car. He shot out in front of the vehicle waving his hands.

“No, wait! Stop!” Dipper shouted as the car drove right through him.

“HEH!” Bill laughed as he walked up to the spirit boy. “WELCOME TO THE MINDSCAPE, KID! WITHOUT A SIMILAR ENOUGH VESSEL TO POSSESS, YOU’RE BASICALLY A GHOST!”

“Oh, hey Dipper!” Soos called out to the possessed body. “There you are!”

“What’s up, dude?” Wendy asked.

“Soos! Wendy!” Dipper shouted. “You’ve got to hear me!”

“We’re heading to the theater,” Soos said, oblivious to the spirit boy’s cries.

“Need a ride, Dipper?” Wendy offered.

“OHO, ANYTHING FOR YOU, RED!” Bill said as he hopped into their car.

“You won’t get away with this, Bill!” Dipper vowed. “I’ll get that Journal before you do, and then I’m kicking you out of my body!”

“BUT HOW CAN YOU STOP ME…” Bill asked as he slowly turned to face the ghost, “ _ IF YOU DON’T EXIST? _ ”

Dipper watched, fear coursing through his being for the first time in years, as he saw the car drive off with his hijacked body, Bill laughing the whole time.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht wohs…_ **

 

Dipper flew into the Theatre Time Theater, looking anywhere and everywhere for the Journal.

‘ _ Gotta find it, gotta find it, gotta find it! _ ’ Dipper thought panicked. ‘ _ I can’t let Bill get his- er, my hands on it! There’s got to be something in there that can get me my body back! _ ’

As he looked, he spotted his body with its arms around Wendy and Soos as they sat, looking at the stage.

“AW, NOTHING LIKE THE THEATER, HUH TOOTS?” Bill asked. “HEY SOOS, WANNA HEAR THE EXACT TIME AND DATE OF YOUR DEATH?”

Soos laughed. “Okay!”

“Hey guys!” Mabel said as she walked up to the group. “You all made it!”

“Are you kidding me?” Stan asked as he sat next to the three. “I would never miss… whatever this is.”

“BY THE BY MABEL,” Bill spoke up, “WHERE’D YOU PUT MY JOURNAL AGAIN?”

“I, uh… used it as a prop for the big wedding scene,” Mabel said awkwardly. “I still need a reverend, though.”

“HEY, WHAT IF I PLAY THE REVEREND?” Bill offered. “I MEAN,  _ SOMEONE’S _ GOTTA HOLD THE JOURNAL, RIGHT?”

“Yeah!” Mabel agreed happily. “Let’s go!”

“No, wait!” Dipper shouted as she dragged his body off. “Mabel!”

The ghost boy zipped behind the stage, following them.

Grenda dragged Bill into the dressing room as Mabel started the show.

“SO, HEY, GRENDO!” Bill said. “WHERE’S THAT BOOK PROP I’M USING FOR THE WEDDING SCENE?”

“It’s up in the wedding cake,” Grenda said. “But that doesn’t come down until Act 3. So hold your horses!”

“OH, I’LL HOLD MY HORSES,” Bill muttered as the girl walked off. “I’LL HOLD THEM… YOU MONSTER.”

“Grenda!” Dipper said as he floated around the girl. “Grenda! Come on, someone!”

Dipper calmed his breathing. This clearly wasn’t going to work. He needed another approach. Bill had said that Dipper needed a vessel if he wanted to talk. And he also said it had to be similar to him? Great, that made things harder. Where was he supposed to find something that resembled himself-?

He spotted a box of Mabel’s puppets made to look like their whole gang.

Well, that could work.

Mabel dashed into the dressing room as the intermission started. She was so close. Gabe liked the show, from the look of things. She just had to finish it and she’d have a boyfriend for sure.

“Whew, okay,” the girl told herself in the mirror, “you can do this, Mabel. Only thirty-six more musical numbers.”

Mabel’s eyes widened as she saw the Dipper puppet rise from the box behind her in the mirror, the little thing floating in the air.

“Aah! It’s come to life!” Mabel shouted, throwing a fork at the puppet.

The puppet dodged the projectile. “Mabel, it’s me, Dipper! You need to help me!”

“Wait, what?” Mabel asked, staring at the decorated sock with caution. “Dipper?”

“Mabel, you have to listen,” Dipper’s voice came from the puppet. “Bill tricked me. He stole my body and now he’s after the Journal! You have to find the Journal before Bill destroys it. It’s the only hope of getting my body back!”

Mabel looked conflicted. Gabe was liking the show so far. If she stuck the landing… No, this was more important.

Mabel shot an emergency text to Wendy, asking the redhead to cover for her. After getting a confused confirmation, Mabel looked at her puppet brother.

“Let’s go get your nerd book back.”

Mabel snuck out of the dressing room, Puppet Dipper floating close behind her. She looked for any sign of Bill, but he was nowhere to be found. She saw Wendy get into position with the puppets and copy of the script. The redhead gave the younger girl a wave, but paused at seeing the floating puppet of Dipper. Mabel gave the older girl a shrug, and gestured for her to get back to understudying. Wendy gave a confused shrug of her own, getting back to work. Mabel scaled up the scaffolding, making her way to where the wedding cake prop was suspended above the stage.

There. Right in the center of the prop. She reached forward, leaning over the rails to grab the book.

“Careful, Mabel…” Dipper whispered.

“I know…” Mabel responded, balancing precariously until-

Ha! She grabbed the Journal, setting her feet back down on the catwalk.

“Got it-”

“Mabel, watch out!”

The warning came too late, as Mabel was struck by a powerful kick in her side. The Journal flew from her hands as she tumbled back. She turned her fall into a back roll, coming up in a crouch with one hand on the ground and the other gripping her aching side.

Mabel watched as the Journal fell right into the hand of Bill, who smiled at the two maliciously.

“THANKS, KIDDOS!” Bill saluted the two.

“Bill-Dipper!” Mabel exclaimed, before narrowing her eyes. “ **Bipper…** ”

“ _ Please _ don’t call him that…” Puppet Dipper pleaded.

When it looked like Mabel was about to advance, Bill held out a cautioning hand.

“CAREFUL!” he warned. “MAKE TOO MUCH RACKET AND THEY’LL HEAR. WOULDN’T WANT TO RUIN THE SHOW, WOULD YOU?”

Mabel glanced down and saw Gabe watching the show happily. Her face fell for a moment, before her resolve hardened.

Without warning, she charged Bipper (sorry Dipper, I’m calling him that). She threw a punch at the boy’s chest, expecting him to block and she would counter. Bipper however, took the hit in full, laughing as he stumbled back a few steps. Out of nowhere, Mabel was hit straight in the face by a series of flicker jabs. She fell back, catching herself on the railing as she blink the pain away. As Bipper advanced on her, she threw a hook at his face. It landed with no retaliation, snapping his head to the side. Bipper’s whole body spun from the impact, and as it did he swung a surprise back roundhouse right at Mabel’s lowered head. It hit dead on, and the girl saw stars as she fell flat on the catwalk.

‘ _ No! _ ’ Dipper thought, chest seizing at the sight of his sister getting beaten senseless.

He realized the problem. She was fighting his body the way she always fought it, as if Dipper were piloting it. She probably wasn’t even doing it on purpose, it had just been drilled into her over their years of sparring. Her own instincts were working against her, as she fought for the first time an opponent who didn’t care about getting injured. And Bill was out for blood.

‘ _ She can’t win like this! _ ’ Dipper thought. ‘ _ I’ve got to do something! But as long as I’m stuck to puppets I won’t be able to help! Gotta think! Something else that looks similar to me, something that I could fight with! What-!? _ ’

It was at that moment Dipper had an idea. What if the object didn’t have to be  _ physically _ similar…?

Bipper smirked as he walked up to Mabel. The disoriented girl was trying to pick herself up, but hadn’t even gotten to her knees. She looked up and blanched at the sight of a raised foot about to come crashing down on her head-

Dipper threw off his puppet and flew right at his sister. He tried picturing it like putting on a costume, willing himself to not simply pass through the girl. As he flew into Mabel, her eyes widened as she felt a bizarre shiver overtake her.

As Bipper brought his foot down hard enough to dent the metal walkway they stood on, Mabel rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the strike.

“WHAT IN THE-!?!”

Bipper got out no more as the girl suddenly shot up and head-butted her opponent right in the crotch.

“GAAAAAGH!!!” Bipper cried as he stumbled back. “THAT PAIN WASN’T HILARIOUS! ARGH…!”

“Huh,” Mabel’s mouth said. “Guess genetic similarity works too.”

Bipper glared at his opponent, and was shocked to see Mabel glaring at him, suddenly very lucid, and now bearing Dipper’s birthmark on her forehead.

Mabel blinked, suddenly looking very confused. “Okay, this feels  _ REALLY _ weird…!”

She blinked again, serious grimace back on her face. “We’ve got to work together if we want to win, okay Mabel?”

Another blink.

“ **_DIPPER?_ ** ” the girl exclaimed. “Are you…? Oh man, this is  _ SOOOO _ weird…”

Blink.

“Complain about it later,” he mouth said. “Right now we’ve got to kick my butt.”

Bill hissed. “YOU THINK THIS’LL CHANGE ANYTHING? THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS NOW I CAN WHAIL ON BOTH OF YOU AT- _ AH! _ ”

Mabel charged at Bipper, with Dipper taking his turn at the wheel. He threw a powerful smash at Bipper, knocking his stolen body back as the strike connected with Bipper’s chin. The demon stumbled back, almost falling.

“WHY AREN’T MY LEGS WORKING!?!” he exclaimed, fighting just to stay standing.

“Welcome to flesh and blood!” Dipper said. “And all the weak points that come with it!”

Dipper ran at his body-snatcher, arms brought up in his more compact fighting style. Bipper tried punching Dipper in the face, but Dipper bobbed and weaved out of the way. He shot several jabs right into the demon’s stomach, making Bipper wheeze in pain. Bipper tried head-butting his opponent, but at that point Mabel took over. She dropped into the splits, avoiding Bipper’s attack. She landed a quick punch on each of Bipper’s knees, before crushing a powerful uppercut into Bipper’s below-the-belt.

“ARGH, AGAIN!?!?!” Bipper cried. “WHY IS THAT PLACE SO SENSITIVE!?!”

Mabel tried to sweep Bipper’s legs out from under him, but the demon recovered faster than she’d thought. He jumped back, avoiding the attack and glaring at the two-become-one.

Dipper took control back, running at Bipper to pressure him again. But Bipper was ready this time. He pivoted out of the way of the first punch, grabbing the extend limb. With a mighty throw, he judo flipped his opponent(s) over the railing. Dipper crashed down onto the suspended cake prop, the impact snapping some of the support ropes. Dipper looked back at the catwalk just in time to see Bipper jump off of the railing, falling at the combo fighter with a fist flying right at them.

Wendy heard snapping sounds above her, and looked up just in time to dive roll out of the way. The cake prop crashed to the ground where she’d been moments before, exploding into splinters. Bipper and Dipper picked themselves up, both hurting from the fall. Bipper’s eyes widened in panic when he realized he’d dropped the Journal in the fall. He tried getting up, but stumbled.

“STUPID FLESH STICK!” Bipper growled. “WORK!”

“Dipper!” Wendy exclaimed as she ran over to the demon. “Are you okay!? What’s going on!?”

Dipper’s eyes widened as he saw Wendy helping up his stolen body. “Wendy, no!”

“YEAH, RED…” Bipper said as he regained his footing. “JUST FINE!”

Out of nowhere, Bipper sucker punched Wendy in the gut. The girl let out a pained gasp, falling to her knees as the wind was knocked out of her. She looked up at the demon she’d just helped, not understanding what was going on, as Bipper brought his fist down on her head, sending Wendy sprawling to the ground.

“NOW,” Bipper panted, “WHERE DID THAT JOURNAL G-?”

“ **GRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHH!!!!!** ”

“WHAT THE-!?”

As Bipper turned to where the enraged roar had come from, he was met with a devastating hook colliding with his face. Dipper, through Mabel’s face, displayed murderous rage as he lay into Bipper, crashing blow after blow down on his stolen form. As Bipper was about to fall backward, Dipper grabbed him by his reverend costume. Dipper fell backwards himself, dragging Bipper with him. Catching the demon with Mabel’s borrowed feet, Dipper pushed Bipper over himself hard, launching his body back to the wreckage.

Dipper rolled back up and dashed to Wendy, who was starting to pick herself up. “Wendy! Are you okay!?”

“M-Mabel…?” Wendy asked, looking at the girl crouching next to her with dazed confusion. “What’s…? Why did Dipper…?”

“It wasn’t me,” Dipper told her. “I’ll explain everything once I get my body back. For now, just stay here and recover.”

“I… wait, what?” Wendy stuttered as she tried to rise, before getting woozy and sitting back down. “Yeah… I think I’ll just… Yeah…”

With that settled, Dipper rose and turned back to Bipper. The demon was standing back up, breathing heavily. With a blink, Mabel was back in control. She picked up some of the debris from the cake, and threw the smashed pieces of wood at Bipper. Each projectile found their mark, colliding with Bipper’s face and knocking him back. He tripped back over the debris surrounding him, crashing to the ground and panting heavily.

“DUMB…” he wheezed, “LIVING BODY… STOP BEING… TIRED…!”

Bipper looked up and saw that next to him hung an electrical cable, one that had been cut when the cake crashed. The end was exposed wiring, arcing with electricity. He grinned maliciously.

Mabel ran at Bipper, intent on finishing things. She jumped over the pile of smashed wood, but immediately wished she hadn’t. She ran right at Bipper, who had risen to his feet and was holding the insulated part of the cable in his hands.

“WHAT’S THE MATTER?” Bipper asked the surprised girl as he thrust the exposed cable at her chest. “ _ SHOCKED!?! _ ”

Mabel let a pained exclamation as the electricity surged through her body, and Bipper laughed sadistically at the sight. However, Mabel’s anguished cries quickly became Dipper’s angry grunts as the boy took over. Dipper glared at Bipper, Mabel’s eyes glowing red.

“ _ WHAAA-!?! _ ”

Bipper’s disbelief was cut short when Dipper threw a hook at the demon’s face. Since the cable was still touching Mabel’s body, the electricity went through the punch and arched into Bipper’s body. The boy’s body fell limp to the floor, completely still.

Dipper gasped as the cable fell away from his sister’s body, and Dipper let out a breath. He wasn’t sure how Mabel’s body wasn’t fried, but there were more important matters at hand. Namely, the world turning monochrome yet again. Bill popped out of Dipper’s body, shaking himself as he tried to reorient himself. But before the triangle could recover, Dipper’s ghostly form shot out of Mabel’s body and zipped back into his own.

The boy’s body was still for a few moments, before he gasped, gulping down air as his heart started again.

“Yes…!” Dipper panted triumphantly as he stood up, before wincing. “Oh… and everything hurts… ow…”

Mabel, no longer having her brother’s birthmark, let out her own heavy breath, laughing weakly with relief. Her look of relief quickly morphed into one of of worry. Dipper followed Mabel’s gaze over his shoulder, spotting the discarded Dipper puppet now floating in the air and laughing with Bill’s voice.

“THIS ISN’T THE LAST YOU’LL HEAR OF ME!” Bill vowed. “BIG THINGS ARE COMING! YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”

Mabel sighed, fishing a remote out of her pocket. “I’m sorry, Gabe…”

The girl pushed the “Big Finish” button on the remote. At that, Bill realized he was on top of a pile of pyrotechnics.

“UH OH-”

The pile exploded, shooting fireworks all over the theater. The twins ducked down behind the destroyed set, shielding themselves from the colorful carnage. After several seconds of bright lights and LOUD NOISES, all was quiet. The twins hesitantly glanced around their pile of debris to the crowd.

Several seats were on fire, the crowd was hunched over and staring at the stage, and Stan was filming everything (because of course). The members of the crowd stared at the twins peeking their heads out.

“What do you think the odds are that they thought this was all part of the show?” Mabel whispered to her brother.

At that the crowd started filing out of the theater, complaining about how they could’ve died.

“Pretty good odds,” Dipper said.

Mabel sighed. She looked out into the crowd, and saw Gabe glaring at her. With a disappointed look, Gabe shook his head and walked off.

… And then started making out with the puppets on his hands.

‘ _ Might’ve dodged a bullet there, Mabel _ ,’ the girl thought.

Dipper on the other hand, limped forward. “Wendy?”

The redhead looked up, gripping her skull and wincing. When she saw Dipper approaching her she looked a little uneasy. “Dipper…?”

“It’s me,” he said with a nod. “It’s okay.”

“What happened?” Wendy asked, giving him a doubtful look.

The boy felt a new kind of hurt at the look his friend was giving him. He took a deep breath.

“I got tricked into a deal with a dream demon who took over my body and tried to destroy my Journals and attacked you and I had to share Mabel’s body so we could beat him out of my body and I could get it back but I’m back now so everything’s good now.”

Dipper panted, surprised he was able to say all that in a single breath.

Wendy looked at him, before laughing and cracking a small smile. “... So you’re saying everyone’s had a bad day, huh?”

Dipper smiled, relieved that his friend wasn’t mad at him. “Pretty much, yeah. How are you holding up?”

“Pretty sure I have a concussion,” Wendy said with a wince. “Fireworks didn’t help that. But what about you? You look like you got run over by a monster truck.”

“Yeah, that’s about what it feels like…” Dipper wheezed out. “I’m going to need so much rest. Also a trip to the hospital.”

“You aren’t the only one,” Mabel spoke as she shuffled over to the two. “Geez, Dipper, how hard do you punch? Feels like you broke my knuckles.”

“Oh yeah,” Dipper said apologetically. “You’re body’s not as tough as mine. Guess I shouldn’t have been hitting that hard.”

Dipper winced, clutching his stomach.

“I  _ really _ shouldn’t have been hitting that hard…”

“All in favor of Soos driving us to the ER,” Wendy spoke, “say, ‘Owwww…’”

“ _ Owwww… _ ” the three said as they clutched their various injured parts.

 

**24   11-3-21-22-0-20   11-15-9   20-7-11-14-0-11-17   21-2-20-15-15**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> akjdnhakdNLKA skjniew.
> 
> ... That's not a secret code, my fingers just spazzed out on the keyboard for a second.
> 
> Hello everyone, welcome back to Fighting in the Falls. This chapter is one I think a lot of people were looking forward to, so I hope you liked it. The bit at the end of the twins literally coming together to fight as one was something I was really happy I thought of. Figured it would be a nice thematic way to resolve their earlier conflict without actually having them talk about it. Also, I thought it was really cool.  
> But that was kind of the biggest thing to note about this chapter. I mean, there's also the whole thing about Dipper being scared for the first time in the story, faced with the existential threat of being little more than a wandering spirit, cursed forever to see the life he lost play out before him, doomed to forever walk the mortal world even past the End Times, never being able to reach the paradise of the great beyond as he's forced to continue on until the end of existence and beyond.  
> ... But you know, what kind of loser would get freaked out by that? The wuss.
> 
> Other than that, thought? Not too much else to say- Oh wait! That thing with the red eyes happened again! Okay, so-
> 
> (gets slapped upside the head by the auto-censor)
> 
> Oh, come on! I wasn't actually going to say anything!  
> ... Yeah. Spoilers. Sorry.
> 
> (auto-censor nods approvingly)
> 
> But with that, that's pretty much all I've got. Once again, I hope you enjoyed. Be sure to leave any likes, dislikes, and questions you may have about the story in the comments. Also any ways you might have to kill the auto-censor. I really hate this thing.  
> Thank you all for reading, and have a great day.


	21. Clan Of The Monocular

Dipper stared at his conspiracy corkboard set up in the attic of the Mystery Shack. Pinned on it were numerous pictures of clues, locations, and potential suspects. He looked on, deep in thought, as he went over everything he knew.

First off, the Author. He still had no idea who the Author could be. It would have to be someone older, who’d been in the town for at least three decades. That ruled out younger townsfolk, but left pretty much every adult in town as a possible suspect. That is of course assuming that the Author was still in town, or even still alive. Given that the Author seemed to drop off the face of the earth, it was possible neither assumption was true.

On that topic, the “he” that had been hunting the Author. Someone equally as old, and possibly still in the town. As with the list of Author suspects, basically every adult in town was a possibility. However, another option for the “he” was a particularly intelligent monster from the town. The shapeshifter was a possibility. But then, there was a far more likely candidate…

Bill. Listed in the Journals as the most powerful creature the Author ever encountered. Twice now Dipper had run into Bill (and even days after getting his body back, he STILL felt sore), and in both encounters Bill had alluded to some grand plan he was hatching. What it was, Dipper didn’t have the faintest idea, but it didn’t sound good. And considering how many warnings that there were in the Journals, how Bill knew the code to the laptop, it seemed that both he and the Author had extensive knowledge of each other.

Dipper nodded at the thought. He couldn’t say for sure, but at the moment it seemed like Bill was the most likely candidate for the “he” that was after the Author. But even if that was true, it didn’t help narrow down who the Author could be.

The boy sighed. He’d hoped that with the second Journal he’d be able to find out more about the Author, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case. The new entries on various Gravity Falls creatures could prove useful, but other than that it didn’t have any of the clues he’d been hoping for. It seemed that by the second Journal the Author had started becoming paranoid, and was careful not to include anything that could reveal something about himself. And while Journal 2 did have hints on where Journal 3 had been hidden, there were no such clues leading to the critical Journal 1. If only he’d known where Gideon found Journal 2. He could’ve tried using that and Journal 3’s hiding spot to guess the location of Journal 1. But Dipper doubted that the now incarcerated boy would be willing to divulge such information to his enemies.

Dipper’s musings were cut off by Mabel running into the attic excitedly.

“Hey, Bro-Bro!” Mabel said. “Look what I got!”

“A filthy green bottle?” Dipper asked, not sure what the point was.

“It’s a bottle message from Mermando,” his sister explained. “Remember? He was part fish, part shirtless guy. What if he wants to get back together?”

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up, Mabel,” Dipper cautioned her.

“Too late!” Mabel said with an enormous grin as she pulled out the message. “Hopes are way, WAY up! Ahem. ‘ _ Dear Mabel… _ ’ So far so good! ‘ _ It is with a heavy heart… _ ’ So far so good! ‘ _...that I must inform you, I’m getting married _ ’?!”

“And there it is,” Dipper said.

“‘ _ In order to prevent an undersea civil war… _ ’” Mabel read aloud, “‘ _ arranged wedding... Queen of the Manatees _ ’?! This can’t be happening!”

Dipper patted Mabel on the shoulder, not really sure how to help. “It’ll, uh… It’ll be fine, Mabel. You’ll get over him eventually.”

“You don’t understand, Dipper,” Mabel said as she pulled out her scrapbook and turned to the Summer Romances page. “Look at my luck. Turned out to be gnomes, child psycho, made out with his own hands. And now, Mermando.”

Mabel pulled out a red marker and wrote “FAILED” in front of the “Summer Romances” title, sighing.

“Maybe I’m just cursed,” Mabel muttered, staring into the bottle dejectedly.

“Hey,” Dipper promptly interjected, “pessimism is my thing. Look, Mabel. You’ve had bad luck with dates. Really bad luck-”

“Nice pep talk, Bro,” Mabel commented sarcastically.

“BUT,” Dipper continued, “that’s okay, because WE’RE STILL TWELVE. Mabel, we’ve got time to find the right person for us.”

“But what if I never find him?” Mabel asked.

“See that, that right there?” Dipper said. “That’s your problem. You’re afraid of winding up alone, so you go out and try to force some big summer romance. That’s setting yourself up for failure. If my time with Wendy taught me anything, it’s that trying to force a relationship doesn’t work out well. You’ve just got to…”

Dipper shrugged.

“Go with the flow, I guess,” he finished. “Trust that things will work out.”

Mabel chuckled, giving her brother a weird look. “Since when did you get so… zen?”

“Maybe coming up here really was good for me,” Dipper said simply. “Helped me gain perspective.”

“Well, it’s good perspective,” Mabel said. “I think I’ll give going with the flow a try.”

“And if it’s any consolation,” Dipper went on, “my summer mission isn’t exactly a huge success either. I’m still trying to find the Author of this Journal, but with this laptop smashed, I’ve lost any lead in finding him.”

Mabel nodded, glancing at the smashed laptop through her bottle, before she gasped.

“Wait a minute…” she said as she focused her sight. “Dipper, look!”

“Through your bottle?” Dipper asked, confused.

“Just do it.”

The boy shrugged. He took the bottle and looked where Mabel was pointing. After a bit of looking, he saw what Mabel had meant, and let out his own gasp. On the inside of one of the broken panels was a small logo. Magnified by the bottle, Dipper could barely make out what it said.

McGucket Labs.

Dipper put down the bottle and went to the corkboard looking at the photos he had.

“You don’t think…?” Mabel asked as her brother rearranged the pictures.

Dipper connected the dots in his mind. Old enough to fit the time frame. The deal with the Gobblewonker robot proved he was intelligent enough, despite his cookiness. And his computer in the bunker…

The boy stood back, looking at the new layout on the corkboard, with Old Man McGucket at the center of every clue he had.

“Old Man McGucket wrote the Journals,” Dipper said, shocked.

The twins bolted down to the gift shop, where Soos and Wendy were working.

“Guys!” Mabel exclaimed, “we need to go see Old Man McGucket!”

“What?” Wendy asked. “Why?”

“We’ll explain on the way,” Dipper said. “C’mon!”

At the insistence, the two workers rushed out of the Shack after the twins.

 

**_… tA eht drayknuj…_ **

  
  


“Old Man McGucket, are you here?” Dipper called out as the group entered the junkyard.

“Here hillbilly-billy-billy-billy!” Soos tried.

As the four rounded a pile of scrap, they saw a hut made of pieces of garbage, and what looked like a fox pelt as a “door”. They also saw Nate and Lee with spray paint cans in hand as they finished putting some graffiti on the hut.

“That’s good,” Nate laughed as he looked at the words “McSuckit” they’d put up.

“Took an hour to think of this, but it was worth it,” Lee said with a nod.

At that, Old Man McGucket rushed out with a stick in hand, and chased the two teens off.

“Get outta here, you salt lickin’, hornswagglin…!” he shouted at the retreating figures, before trailing off. “McSuckit. They got me good…”

The hobo perked up however, as he saw the twins and co. approach him.

“Visitors!” he exclaimed. “Come in, come in.”

The group hesitantly followed the old man inside, hoping there wasn’t some killer robot or something inside.

“Pull up some rusty metal,” the old man said as he walked over to his bathtub. “You’re just in time for my hourly turf war with the hillbilly that lives in my mirror.”

McGucket suddenly turned and shouted at his reflection. “Quit starin’ at me when I bathe!”

“Drop the act, McGucket,” Dipper said firmly. “I know you’re the Author. You studied the mysteries of this town and wrote this book.”

With that, he pulled out Journal 3 (he left 2 at the Shack, just in case). He didn’t really know for certain if McGucket was actually the Author, but the hillbilly’s reaction could give away telling info.

“Dude,” Wendy said, “you’re the genius Dipper’s been searching for all summer!”

“Uh, genius?” McGucket responded, confused. “I’m no genius. I’ve never done nothin’ worthwhile in my life. Everyone knows I’m no good to nobody. I can’t remember what I used to be, but I must’ve been a big failure to end up like this.”

“But the laptop has your name on it,” Soos protested.

Dipper frowned. The old man’s reaction seemed genuine, but something about the statement bothered the boy. He said he couldn’t remember what he used to be. Did McGucket have amnesia? Possibly brought on by head trauma? That would certainly explain a few things.

“What about this book?” Dipper pressed. “Are you sure you didn’t write it? Here, look closely.”

Dipper put the Journal before McGucket, flipping through the pages to see if anything would jog his memory.

“I told you, I don’t recall,” McGucket repeated as he looked at the pages. “Everything before 1982 is just a blur. Just a hazy…”

The hillbilly would’ve gone on, but something in the Journal grabbed his attention. It was a symbol, representing and eye that had been crossed out with an “X”. The sight sent McGucket flying back in a panic.

“ _ THE BLIND EYE! _ ” the old man shrieked as he scurried back as if burned. “Robes, the men, my mind! They did something!”

“What?” Dipper said, surprised by the reaction. “Who did?”

“I…” McGucket started before trailing off. “Oh, I don’t recall.”

“Oh, you poor old man!” Mabel said, saddened. “No wonder your mind’s all word-scrambled. You’ve been through something intense.”

“What if McGucket learned something he wasn’t supposed to know, and someone, or something, messed with his mind?” Dipper wondered aloud. “We’ve got to get to the bottom of this.”

“Think, dude,” Wendy urged. “What’s the earliest thing you can remember?”

“Uh…” the old man stammered, before running to a wall and pulled a newspaper off of it. “This is, I think.”

The paper showed a headline of a “Disoriented Man Found at Museum” and a picture of a discombobulated Old Man McGucket in the street.

“The history museum!” Wendy exclaimed.

Dipper nodded. “Looks like that’s where we’re going.”

 

**_… retaL, ta eht muesum…_ **

 

“Hello?” Soos called into the seemingly empty museum. “Anyone here?”

There was no answer, however that didn’t ease Dipper’s nerves.

“Alright,” the boy told the group, “keep your eyes peeled for anything suspicious.”

They looked around for a bit, not seeing anything out of the ordinary.

“So your last memory was here,” Dipper said to McGucket. “Anything coming back?”

The old man shook his head, quickly growing disheartened as nothing seemed to jog his memory.

“Guys, look!” Soos said, grabbing everyone’s attention.

They looked down a hall and saw a robed individual hurry past a corner.

“C’mon,” Dipper said as he darted after the person. “We don’t want to lose him.”

The group ran after the mysterious person, rounding the corner to find a single door. They went inside the closed off room, finding some kind of study with a fireplace and an uncomfortable number of eyes on the walls. And a surprising lack of robed people.

“Well kettle my corn,” McGucket marveled. “He vanish-ified.”

Dipper rubbed his chin in thought. “Where did he go…?”

“I feel like all these eyeballs are a-watchin’ me…” McGucket said nervously as he backed up to the wall.

“Wait…” Dipper said as he realized that all the eyes in the room were looking at one specific point. “They are! Move aside.”

The old man stepped out of the way, revealing a stone tablet on the wall with an eye symbol that looked remarkably similar to the image in the Journal.

“Bingo,” Dipper said as he approached the tablet.

He pushed on the stone slab, grinning with satisfaction as he felt it slide into the wall. After pushing the disguised button, the fireplace slid to the side, revealing a hidden tunnel.

“Hello secret passageway,” Dipper said. “Alright, let’s go everyone. And remember; stealth.”

The group nodded, all five sneaking down the hidden stairwell. They reached a heavy red curtain at the bottom, and Dipper noted that the material was likely soundproof.

‘ _ Guess whoever’s down here REALLY doesn’t want anyone finding out about what’s going on here, _ ’ the boy thought.

Slowly, Dipper opened a gap between the curtains, and saw what was being kept so secret. Six people in red robes stood around a pedestal that held up a chest. The six were chanting together, as a seven figure walked to the pedestal.

“Who is the subject of our meeting?” the new arrival asked in a commanding voice.

‘ _ The leader, _ ’ Dipper determined.

“This woman,” another hooded figure said.

At that, two more figures entered, dragging with them a lady with a bag over her head. The two brought the blindfolded woman to a chair connected to the floor and with wrist straps on the arms. They locked the woman down in the chair, before pulling the bag off her head.

Mabel let out a quiet gasp. “Lazy Susan?”

“What is it you have seen?” the leader asked.

“Speak!” the rest of the figures said in unison.

“Uh, well, uh,” Lazy Susan stuttered. “I was leaving the diner, and I saw these little bearded doodads, and I was, like, ‘Bwaaa?’”

“There, there,” the leader said in a tone that wasn’t comforting at all as he pulled some kind of ray gun out of the chest. “You won’t be like ‘Bwaaa?’ for much longer.”

“What is that gizmo?” Lazy Susan asked as the leader typed the settings into the device. “It looks like a hair dryer. Are you guys barbers?”

Without a word, the leader leveled the gun at Susan’s head and fired. A beam of light shot out, hitting the woman square in the forehead. She cried out for a moment, before the beam stopped and she went lax in her seat.

“Lazy Susan, what do you know of little bearded men?” the leader asked.

“My mind is cleared, thanks to the Society of the Blind Eye,” Lazy Susan intoned blankly as she stared at nothing.

“It is unseen!” the figures declared.

“Guys, are you seeing this?” Dipper asked. “They just wiped Lazy Susan’s memory!”

“They should’ve wiped off that awful mascara,” Soos joked.

“I think she looks beautiful!” Mabel retorted harshly.

“She’s doing the best she can, Soos!” Wendy responded in a similar fashion.

“Whoa,” Soos said as he held up his hands in surrender, “touched a nerve there.”

“Lazy Susan, how do you feel?” the leader asked.

“I feel great!” the woman said as she was unbound from the chair and led off. “I can’t even remember what was wrong, or what I’m doing here, or if I’m a man or a woman!”

“Your memories will be safe with us, buried in the Hall of the Forgotten,” the leader said as he removed a tube from the ray gun.

On the tube the leader wrote “(Lazy) Susan Wentworth”, and sent the memory container through a pneumatic tube. With that done, he set the memory gun back into the chest.

“Meeting adjourned.”

With that, the figures scattered, saying casual goodbyes to each other.

“So,” Dipper said as he turned back to the group. “Turns out there’s an evil society of memory erasers in town.”

“Dude, this is freaky,” Wendy said, clearly unnerved. “I never noticed any of the weirdness in this town before you guys showed up. Did I just like, never run into any of it, or have these guys been wiping my memory too?”

“Oh, yeah dudes,” Soos said, starting to get freaked out himself. “This seriously mental. Heh…”

“We’ll deal with that question later,” Dipper said. “But I think it’s safe to say we just figured out why McGucket’s memory is such a mess. We need to find this Hall of the Forgotten and see if we can find his memories.”

“But Dipper,” Mabel said, “we can’t just let these guys keep doing this to people!”

“Obviously,” Dipper responded. “Which is why we also need to take down this society. The problem is, they outnumber us, and if we mess this up they’ll wipe all our memories and we’ll be back to square one.”

“So we’ve gotta do this right, first try,” Wendy said.

“Exactly,” Dipper said. “So here’s the plan…”

 

**_… lareveS setunim retal…_ **

 

The leader walked up to the three guys tied to a pillar. The Society caught Dipper, Soos, and McGucket in the Hall of the Forgotten, trying to steal one of the collected memories.

“You shouldn’t have come here,” the leader told the trio as another member handed him the chest where the memory gun was kept. “We do not give up our secrets lightly.”

“Who are you sassafrassers?” McGucket asked as he fidgeted under the ropes.

“Why are you doing this?” Dipper asked.

“What’s with your creepy British accent?” Soos chimed in, not having a better question.

“Well, I suppose we are going to erase your minds anyway,” the leader said with a shrug.

One by one, the Society members pulled back their hoods, and the three were surprised at the familiar faces beneath. They saw Toby Determined, Bud Gleeful, the farmer guy that none of them could remember the name of, the big muscly guy with all the tattoos, and even that one guy who married a woodpecker.

“You dudes’re all a part of this freaky group?” Soos asked.

“They are,” the leader said. “But none of you have met me. And if you had, you wouldn’t remember.”

The leader removed his hood, revealing a bald head with tattoos detailing the parts of his brain and a red “X” scar over his right eye.

“I am Blind Ivan,” the man said, “and we are the Society of the Blind Eye. Formed many years ago by our founder... our founder... Does anyone remember who he was?”

The various members shrugged.

“We’ve been usin’ that ray on our own brains an awful lot,” Bud Gleeful explained.

“Why would you do all this?” Dipper asked. “What do you have to gain?”

“As you have no doubt discovered,” Ivan said, “Gravity Falls is a town plagued with supernatural strangeness. No one knew how to stop the things that went bump in the night, so our founder invented the next best thing: a way for us to forget. We took it upon ourselves to help the troubled townsfolk by erasing the memories of the strange things they’ve seen. Now the people of Gravity Falls go about their lives ignorant and happy, thanks to us. And as a perk, we help ourselves forget things that trouble us. Everyone has something they’d rather forget.”

“And you’ve been doing this for years?” Dipper asked.

“Oh yes,” Ivan confirmed. “Decades even.”

“And did you ever erase the mind of someone investigating the town?” Dipper asked. “Someone writing Journals about the weirdness? Maybe someone with six fingers?”

“Hmm…” Ivan hummed as he thought for a moment. “Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.”

Dipper frowned. “Great. Another dead end. Oh well, I think we’ve got everything.”

“What do you mean?” Ivan said, his eyes narrowing.

At that moment, Bud noticed two of the Society members were still wearing their hoods up. “Hey, Darren, Marcy, why’re y’all still wearin’ your-?”

Bud was cut off as the shorter one shot their fist out and drove it right into his large gut.  The car dealer wheezed as he fell to the ground, unable to breathe. Tats lunged at the attacker, but the taller one through their robe off and over his face, revealing Wendy was the one beneath. Blinded by the robe, Tats was helpless as Wendy drove a foot right into his nuts and then smashed an uppercut into his jaw. The burly man fell back, crashing to the floor in an unconscious heap.

As two more members charged Wendy, the short one stepped up. Mabel reveal herself as she cast off her robe and used it to trip the oncoming attackers. They fell flat on their faces just before the grinning Mabel, who knocked them both out with swift kicks to their head.

“What!?” Ivan exclaimed.

“That’s the thing about full body uniforms,” Dipper said. “Makes it hard to tell when you’ve got intruders. Darren and Marcey are already out, and you’re next.”

Panicking at the sight of the two girls demolishing the remaining Society members, Ivan quickly opened the chest to use the memory gun on the attackers.

Only to find the gun gone.

“Ahem.”

Ivan turned back to the three boys, and saw they were no longer tied up. Dipper smirked at Blind Ivan, cracking his knuckles.

“You should really be more careful about who you let tie up your prisoners,” the boy said smugly.

“Wh…” Ivan stammered. “Where is the-!?!”

“Looking for this?”

Ivan whipped back around and saw the girls were standing right behind him. The rest of the members were out cold, and Wendy was holding the memory gun with a cocky smile.

“Probably wasn’t too smart to leave this thing in an easy to access box, huh?” the redhead said.

With the gloating done, Mabel slugged Ivan in the face, and his world went dark.

When Ivan came to, he and the rest of the Blind Eye were tied to the same pillar that the boys had been, this time with very real and effective knots.

“You can’t do this to us!” Ivan insisted. “Gravity Falls needs us!”

“The people of Gravity Falls need to learn to face problems instead of running from them,” Dipper countered. “Without you guys, they’ll finally have the chance to.”

“We’ll have our revenge!” Ivan insisted. “We’ll never forget what you’ve done!”

Dipper smirked as he typed “Society of the Blind Eye” into the memory gun.

“Now,” Dipper said as he aimed the gun at the tied up members, “you of all people should know that was a bad choice of words.”

 

**_… retaL, ni eht llaH fo eht nettogroF…_ **

 

“Alright,” Dipper said as he held up McGucket’s memory tube. “The Society’s memories have all been erased. McGucket, are you ready to see your memories? Find out who you really are?”

“I’m not so sure…” the old man said hesitantly. “What if I don’t like what I see?”

“We’ve come all this way,” Mabel encouraged him. “Go on.”

With a nervous breath, McGucket put the tube in the Memory Viewer. Just like that, an image of a much younger him appeared on the screen, actually looking presentable.

“My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket, and I wish to unsee what I have seen.”

Everyone gasped, now realizing why the old man’s memories had been so protected.

“Sweet sarsaparilla…” McGucket muttered.

“For the past year,” the memory went on, “I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of Journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I’ve done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind.”

The younger McGucket held up the memory gun, and pointed it at himself.

“Test Subject One: Fiddleford.”

When the gun shot him, the screen went static for a moment, before coming back.

“It worked! I can’t recall a thing!”

More static.

“I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories!”

More static, this time coming back to a more nervous and disheveled McGucket.

“Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this.”

More static, this time showing McGucket with a cast on his arm and his lab a mess.

“I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I’ve been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects…”

Static.

“I saw something in the lake, something big!”

Static.

“My hair’s been a-fallin’ out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards?”

Static.

All that was left was a wide-eyed Old Man McGucket in the junkyard, giggling maniacally as he spouted gibberish.

With that, the memories ended. The group looked at the now blank screen, at a loss for what they’d just seen.

“... Oh, McGucket, I’m so sorry,” Mabel said.

The old man turned back to the group, and surprised them with a light smile.

“Aw, hush,” McGucket said. “You kids helped me get my memories back, just like you said.”

“But did you want those memories back?” Wendy asked.

“After all these years, I finally know who I am,” McGucket said. “Maybe I messed up in the past, but now that I seen what happened, I can begin to put myself together again. Thank you, kids.”

“So you weren’t the Author,” Dipper said, “but you worked with him. Do you remember who he was?”

“It’s beginning to come back…” McGucket said, squinting. “But I need more time. And reading glasses. I got some rememberin’ to do.”

With that, the group left the museum, forever leaving behind the Society of the Blind Eye.

As they drove off, McGucket leafed through Journal 3, frowning.

“It’s all so familiar,” he said, looking at the page of the schematics split between the Journals. “It’s almost like I can remember…”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni s’natS terces bal…_ **

 

“Alright,” Stan muttered as he poured a barrel of fuel into a tank, “you’re getting closer.”

He walked up to the gargantuan device, coffee mug and notepad in hand as he felt the air being sucked into the portal.

“Everyday it’s getting stronger.”

A sudden gust of wind yanked his notepad and mug out of his grip, both getting sucked into the portal.

“Haha!” Stan laughed triumphantly. “Yes!”

His celebration was brought to a momentary halt as a loose pipe was pulled in by the portal, hitting the back of Stan’s hand as it did.

The old man hissed in pain as he gripped the injury. He had a pretty long cut on the back of his hand, but it didn’t seem very deep. He went back to the control room and grabbed a bandage.

“I don’t care if it’s dangerous,” Stan said as he wrapped up his injury. “I don’t care how long it takes. I’m gonna pull this off, and no one’s gonna get in my way!”

 

**19-9-13-1-9-17-11-0   15-20-2-11-20-0-11-10   8-24-7-15-20   8-18-11-7-9-14.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, welcome back to this story thing, I guess.
> 
> Do I seem less enthusiastic this time? That's probably because I don't really like this chapter all that much. It was one of those that I needed to leave in for plot reasons, but I just... couldn't come up with any ways to really make this part of the story interesting without it dragging. I mean, what are the Society of the Blind Eye, really? Just a couple of chuckleheads in robes. Not exactly dangerous for this version of the twins. The memory gun was the only thing even remotely threatening about them, and a fight which consists of entirely dodging shots from a single individual is super boring. I opted for Dipper getting a "Just as planned" moment, but I don't really like how it came out.  
> The most fun I had with this chapter was writing that exchange at the beginning with Dipper telling Mabel to stop forcing romances. That's actually going to have a bit of an impact later on, in some chapters I'm much more excited about. But for now, I think that's it.
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone, remember t@_+&$#!S-Q&%###/)^( ...  
> ...  
> ...
> 
> WITH ONE HEART MORE, THE GOAL WILL BE REACHED  
> THE BARRIER OF WORLDS WILL SOON BE BREACHED


	22. Hitchhiker's Guide To The Space-Time Continuum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for bringing this story up to 100 Kudos. As special thanks, here's a bonus chapter I've been saving for just such an occasion. Enjoy.

Mabel ran through the woods. The night time blanketed her world in black, the new moon not casting any light into the woods. Her breath was heavy as she leapt over some tree roots, taking in the pine-y and dewy scents as she barrelled past the trees. She risked a glance back over her shoulder, and while she didn’t see her pursuers, she could hear them crashing through the foliage behind her. 

‘ _ 56… 57… 58… 59… 9 minutes… _ ’

Mabel’s eyes darted around frantically. She needed a place to hide. Treetops? No, she’d be cornered, and the rustling branches would telegraph her position. She couldn’t see much more than three feet in front of her, so scoping out a hiding spot wasn’t very likely. Of course, the lack of visibility wasn’t a problem for her pursuers. She needed something else, somethi-

Mabel let out a surprised cry as she fell into cold water. She felt the quickly rushing water pushing her along rapidly, the girl unable to see anything in the pitch black water. She quickly stomped down her panic, allowing herself to be pulled along as she stayed underwater. Swimming in dark, sumberging rapids was not a great idea, but at this point she didn’t have any better escape options. At least this could help her stay ahead.

‘ _ 41… 42… 43… _ ’

Mabel stuck one hand out ahead of herself, trying to make sure she didn’t slam into some surprise log or something. Her other hand fished into her pocket, grabbing the object she needed. Mabel’s lungs burned as she gripped her lifeline with a vice, making sure she didn’t accidentally release her saving grace. She hadn’t gotten a good breath before going under, and she needed air. She just needed to hold on a bit longer.

‘ _ 58… 59… Now! _ ’

Her time limit reached, Mabel pulled out the measure on her Time Tape and released it, warping out of the time period.

 

**_… retaL, ni weN kroY ytiC, raey 5214…_ **

 

With a flash of light, Mabel appeared in a back alleyway, soaking wet. Gasping as she leant on the wall of a nearby building, she looked up at the sky. It was clear blue, with very few clouds and sun high in the sky. Probably around noon. Good, the most activity would be going on by then. It would make it harder to track her.

Mabel looked down at the Time Tape in her hand, face falling at the sight of the device that changed her life forever.

‘ _ All the time in the world, _ ’ she thought, ‘ _ but barely any time for a nap. _ ’

Once she got her breath back, Mabel walked out to the street and made her way through the city. The passers by gave her weird looks, both for being completely soaked and for her unusual dress.

Gone was her loose T-shirt, her tennis shoes, her shorts and her waist-tied sweater. Instead she wore a now drenched full-body suit of Chronal Cloth. A fancy kind of material invented in… the 16000’s, she guessed? Really far in the future, that’s the point. It lessened the negative impacts of Time Travel on the body, along with a few other fun features. The Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron had a more advanced version of the material in their uniforms. Mabel’s was a “retro” (outdated) model of the tech she’d been able to swipe without drawing attention to herself. It was useful for a girl who had to time hop a lot, and the fact that it was self-cleaning and self-repairing was a nifty bonus.

Mabel looked down. The thing covered her whole body, even her feet, which removed the need for shoes. That had taken some getting used to. A lot of things in her new life had.

Mabel walked down the street, glancing as an Air Semi-Truck zipped past over the ground bound traffic. The 41st century was strange to Mabel. Flying cars existed, but not that many people used them. Apparently there were numerous laws in place so that only specific vehicles were allowed to fly, in order to prevent air traffic from getting too congested. Think supply transportation, police, ambulances, that kind of thing. Some celebrities and politicians got permission, but other than that, not much was allowed to fly, at least on city roads. And then the fashion.

Mabel had long since given up on trying to understand the intricacies of the various future cultures she saw. At some point she’d just accepted that they had centuries or even millennia of background and context she’d likely never fully grasp. It was one of the reasons she didn’t like going too far into the future. The slang changed so much by then it was like everyone was speaking a different language. She should probably think about trying to get one of those Universal Transla-Talkerman (yes, that’s its actual name) thingies invented in the next couple of centuries. But then again, she didn’t often talk to people in her travels.

Making sure that no one was watching, Mabel ducked into a different alleyway, one she was quite familiar with by this point. She looked around the clear alley (it still amazed her how clean everything was in this time period), until she found what she was looking for. On the ground a few steps before her was what looked like graffiti of an ornate mobius strip that had been severed. She stood on the street art, and held out her Time Tape.

With a flash, she was no longer in the streets of a futuristic New York, but instead on a teleportation pad in what almost resembled a club from Mabel’s time. Various people, twelve by her count, hung around the club, sitting at tables and watching shows that were streamed on screen from various time periods. By now Mabel recognized all the faces, though she only knew the names of one or two. They all were like her. On their own, not preferring to get too close to anyone. After all, you never knew when the last time you’d see any of them would be. At first Mabel hadn’t liked that mindset, thought it would be too lonely. After the fifth patron she knew got erased, she saw the appeal of the choice.

Mabel made her way to the bar, finding herself a seat. She had a good amount of space separating her from the only other patron at the bar, a four-armed alien with blue-green skin. Dengragon was the name of his race. Humanity would make contact with his planet in the next millennia or so. Well, a millennia from 4125. Man, did time travel screw with her sense of relativity.

“Ah, Mabel-she!” the bartender said as he swung by. “How’s my favorite customer?”

Mabel rolled her eyes. “You say that to everyone, Zald.”

“Is it not true?” Zald asked, a bit confused.

Mabel shrugged. Zald had one of the future translator things that he used to talk with his club’s various patrons. Especially important since Zald was also a Dengragon, and apparently spoke a far future version of a not so common Dengragian language. Essentially, without the translator no one would be able to understand the four-armed bartender. Unfortunately, his translator wasn’t the best, and so there were some odd parts of his slang that didn’t quite carry over. It took Mabel a bit to adjust to the unusual speech, but she’d figured it out.

“You have any rooms open?” Mabel asked. “I’m dead tired.”

“Confirmed,” Zald told her. “Number 4. You’re here long?”

“Relax,” Mabel said. “After I get some sleep I’ll be gone, just like I always do.”

“Good,” Zald said. “I like you, Mabel-she. But I don’t like your trouble, view me?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mabel said, while fishing out a quarter from her pocket. “Can I get a glass of Time Juice while I’m here?”

“Confirmed,” Zald said as he took the money and went to make the girl’s drink.

Mabel sighed as she looked around. This place was the closest thing the girl’d had to a home in the… How long had she been on the run relative to her? She fished her Body Clock out of her suit. Right, four years, seven months, and two days. That’s how long she’d been on the run from the Time Police. It had been two years ago she’d gotten the Body Clock, a special device that kept track of her body’s physical age so she could tell how old she was, even after time jumping so much. 

So about four and a half years on the run through time. Since the Mystery Shack Fair, and getting the Time Tape. At the time (ha), time travel had seemed so cool. Getting to redo a great day over and over again? Yes please. But then Gideon had ruined everything, and Mabel’s life had been uprooted in a way she never could have imagined. Thanks to the damaged time machine, Mabel became an Anachronism.

Even after all this time, Mabel still wasn’t entirely sure how being an Anachronism worked. Zald had tried explaining it to her, and she was pretty sure it meant she was “unstuck” in time. So she could go throughout time and do whatever and she didn’t have to worry about creating any universe-ending paradoxes. She also only existed in one point in time at any given moment, which was why the Time Police couldn’t just go back and capture her past self that they’d run into before…? Mabel honestly wasn’t sure how that worked, but if it helped her keep ahead of the Time Popo, then she wasn’t complaining.

And keeping ahead of them was important. It turned out that Anachronisms were a violation of Time Law, and needed to be “erased” before they could damage the timeline. Mabel thought that was stupid, since Anachronisms couldn’t create paradoxes. But stupid or not, the fact remained that Mabel’s mere existence was considered a crime against nature. And so, on the lamb she lived, completely alone. She discovered early on that her brother’s Anachronism wasn’t as lucky as her, and had been erased along with Gideon’s. Mabel had to deal with the knowledge that her brother was both dead, and alive and well in a time that was too dangerous for her to return to. She still couldn’t tell if that made things better or worse. Mabel had decided long ago that instead of thinking about it, she’d just drink instead.

Speaking of drinking, Zald showed up and brought her Time Juice, and a glass of water to go with it. “Happiness, Mabel-she.”

“Thanks,” Mabel said as she took the two cups and sipped the stronger beverage.

She savored the sweet flavor and burn that went down her throat as she drank the alcohol. Yeah, she was too young drink, yada, yada. But technically, since she was an Anachronism, she didn’t really have an age. Right? Was that how it worked? Screw it, she didn’t care, and neither did Zald.

The bartender/club owner was possibly Mabel’s only friend anymore. He was an Anachronism himself, as was every club patron. He came from much farther into the future than any of the rest of them, though no one was sure exactly when. He’d managed to set up “The Break-Time Club” as it was called as a temporary rest area for Anachronisms. He still demanded pay for the food and drink, but hey, at least the beds were free. In a way, he kind of reminded her of Stan, penny-pinching and not the best role model, but still caring. He’d found Mabel about six months into her run from the Time Law, and introduced her to the club. He hooked up her Time Tape to act as a pass key into the pocket dimension the club was stored in, rigged it so it could warp her through space as well as time, gave her pointers on the supplies she should get, and in general showed her the ropes of living as an on-the-run abomination against nature. She’d likely never be able to pay him back for all he’d done for her, even if he’d made a killing off of her in drinks (coins were apparently a collector’s item in 4125, and were worth a lot more than in her own time).

Mabel quickly downed the rest of her Time Juice, followed quickly by the water. She didn’t want to waste time in the club, and went straight to room number four to get some shut eye.

The club was well hidden. The 4100s were the perfect years for Anachronisms to hide in. This century marked when humans first created time travel technology, and government sanctions and regulations weren’t made official world-wide until 4232. With all the experiments going on globally, it made unsanctioned time travel into the period difficult to track among all the white noise. But even still, several Anachronisms staying in one place for too long was dangerous, and most of them had gotten used to being on the run anyway. The place was a good rest stop, but that was all it was ever used as. The only one who lived in the place was Zald himself.

Mabel shut the door behind her, set her things aside, and lay down on the bed. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to fall into a dreamless sleep as she prepared for the next day.

 

**_… 8 dna a flah sruoh retal…_ **

 

Mabel emerged from her room with a yawn, rolling her shoulders. She had a slight crick in her neck, and she was starting to get growing pains in her legs. She’d shot up in height over the years, and had to deal with the pain that came with it.

“Hey Zald,” Mabel said as she walked up to the bar. “You got any pain killers?”

Zald gave her a look and snapped his fingers across his eyes, an action that Mabel had come to recognize as his time period’s version of rubbing your fingers together to ask for payment.

Rolling her eyes, Mabel pulled out another quarter. “Never miss a chance, do ya?”

Zald laughed, and gave Mabel some pain pills and water to wash them down.

“When will you go now, Mabel-she?” the bartender asked.

Mabel knock back one of the pills before answering. “Thinking about heading back to the twenty-first. You know, since you’re draining my funds just for breathing in here.”

Zald laughed a bit, before he looked at the girl seriously. “You give too much time there, Mabel-she. It’s negative.”

“I know it’s a little risky,” Mabel said as she swallowed the second pill. “But unless you start giving handouts, I’m going to need them. Don’t worry, I won’t stay long.”

“Where after?”

Mabel shrugged. “I was thinking about camping out in the mountains for a while. Maybe get a week of that before I’ve got to move again, if I’m lucky.”

“Being alone is hazard crash,” Zald cautioned her.

“I feel at home in the woods,” Mabel said with a shrug. “It reminds me of before all of this.”

Zald frowned, but didn’t say anything.

“I’ll be careful,” Mabel insisted.

“Hey, short-stack!”

Mabel turned to the voice that had called her. She wasn’t  _ that _ short anymore…

“You’re on TV,” the burly guy told her, pointing at the screen he was watching.

Mabel quirked an eyebrow, before going to check out what he meant. What the girl saw was something she never thought she’d see again. Herself, in her T-shirt and sweater, and…

“Dipper…”

Tears began rolling down her cheeks as she got a look at her brother for the first time in over four years. He was alive and well, looking the same as he had when she’d left. He was there, and-

No. No, that wasn’t her Dipper. Or maybe it was more accurate to say she wasn’t his Mabel. He was the brother of the girl on the screen, not the girl watching the screen.

Mabel wiped her eyes as she watched the screen. “... So what is this?”

“Globnar,” the burly guy explained. “Contest between a time criminal and the ones he accuses of wronging him. They do a bunch of gladiator stuff and the winner gets a Time Wish.”

Well, that explained what the past versions of herself and Dipper were doing in the future competing against Blendin Blandin. But still, something piqued her interest.

“What’s a Time Wish?” Mabel asked.

“One wish Time Baby grants to the winner,” burly guy explained. “It can be anything, paradox-free.”

Mabel stared at the screen as the game was played. “Anything?”

“Yeah,” burly guy scoffed. “We change time, and we’re criminals. Time Baby hands out the power to do it in a sport, and he gets to rule the future. How’s that for fair?”

Mabel frowned. Never before had Mabel thought she could hate a baby, but Time Baby showed her how wrong she was. The tyrannical ruler had appeared some thousands of years into the future and took over the world. Even changed up the units of time. Time Baby was the one who decreed Anachronisms to be abominations, and ruled that all must be eliminated.

Mabel had asked Zald once if Time Baby was an Anachronism too, since the future ruler seemed to only exist in one point of time as well, but the bartender’s response had been… confusing. He said Time Baby was similar in function to an Anachronism. Like them, he wasn’t bound by time in the same way normal people were. But that was where the similarities apparently ended. According to Zald, Time Baby was something unlike what Mabel could even comprehend. Mabel had taken that as her cue to let the subject drop and get back to drinking.

Mabel watched as her counterpart battle a Cyclocks. Mabel winced at the sight. Against herself and her brother, she almost felt bad for the thing. She pulled up a chair and sat down, intent on watching the rest of the game play out. It felt simultaneously like an enormous relief and an unfathomable pain to see her brother again. She’d left so much behind when the Time Police started chasing her. Dipper, Stan, Waddles, Candy, Grenda, Soos, Wendy, her parents. While it felt good to see her brother alive, it also served as a painful reminder of just how alone she was now. Still, she’d always been a glass half full kind of person, so she relished the sight as best she could.

Soon the contest came to a close. After an embarrassingly easy game of laser tag, Dipper and Mabel’s counterpart won with a near flawless score. They… reinstated Blendin? And gave him hair? Huh. Mabel definitely wouldn’t have done that. Then again, she spent nearly every waking moment hiding and running from the Time Police, so she was likely biased in that regard. But they also took their Time Wish, and returned to their own time. Mabel would’ve liked to see what they wished for, but it seemed that the game of Globnar was the only viewing she was allowed.

Mabel stood from her seat, feelings still jumbled from seeing her brother again. The burly guy who had gotten her attention looked like he wanted to ask what the deal was with the younger her and the guy on the screen, but he held himself back. It was an unspoken rule that you never ask an Anachronism how they came to be one. The stories rarely ended well.

Without a word, the girl walked over to one of the teleportation pads and pulled out her Time Tape. With a quick wave goodbye to Zald, Mabel warped out of the club and back into the alleyway.

It was nighttime now, though the city was still well enough illuminated to see. But Mabel didn’t intend to stay and look around much longer.

With a pull of the Time Tape, Mabel vanished.

 

**_… nI 6202…_ **

 

The girl came into being on the roof of a building. An apartment or office building, from the looks of the surroundings. Mabel looked around, spotting a fire escape she could scale down. As Mabel made her way to the ground, she started her count in her head.

‘ _ 1… 2… 3… 4… _ ’

Something she’d figured out pretty early on was that the Time Tape needed a chance to recharge. If the device was overclocked, it would start to heat up and start wrapping uncontrollably. Ten minutes was the shortest interval between time jumps the Time Tape could handle before it would start overheating. Mabel  _ could _ jump before the ten minute mark a few times before the machine would start malfunctioning, but it would still be overheated, and being overheated made her easier to track. She needed to keep track of how long she’d been in whatever time period she’d been in, so as soon as ten minutes passed she could jump and be gone before the Time Police could find her.

‘ _ 1 minute… 1… 2… _ ’

Mabel ducked into the bustling New York street. At first she’d been surprised when people didn’t react much to her future suit, but apparently a bizarrely-dressed girl didn’t warrant enough attention to raise a stink about. The most attention she got from it was one time when some guy stopped to tell her that he liked her cosplay.

‘ _ 58… 59… 2 minutes… _ ’

Okay, focus. Just a little under eight minutes to get everything she needed. She needed to make this fast.

With practiced ease, Mabel walked against the flow of traffic. She bumped into various individuals, a few telling her to watch where she was going. She bumped into eleven people total, before ducking into an alleyway. They weren’t nearly as clean as the ones in 4125, but she could put up with the smell for a while. She fished her prizes out of her suit’s concealed pockets, pulling out wallets. She took all the bills from them, and any coins that the women’s wallets had in them. Once she had that, she tossed the wallets aside, not caring for the rest of the items inside. 

‘ _ 59… 7 minutes… 1… 2… _ ’

Okay, only about three minutes left. She could try to get one or two more wallets, but she didn’t want to go over ten minutes just for rifling through the cash holders. Mabel glanced around to see if she was still good in terms of being tracked down.

She didn’t like what she saw.

As Mabel looked out at the throes of people bustling on the sidewalk, she saw two Time Police out on the other side of the street, looking around for their target. Mabel didn’t wait to see if they’d locked onto her already, she simply vaulted up the side of a building and grabbed onto the fire escape. She pulled herself up and over the railing, and began dashing up the steps to the roof. She looked down as she did so, and saw the two Time Cops had spotted her, and were pushing across the street and through the crowds to pursue her. They probably wouldn’t open fire in front of so many civilians, so she had at least until they got into the alleyway before they started shooting. She darted up the final two flights and jumped onto the roof just as the Time Police got into the back way.

‘ _ 51… 52… 53… _ ’

Mabel ran against the decently strong wind to the other edge of the roof and leapt across the gap between that building and the next. She stumbled a bit upon landing, but continued running with everything she had. Behind her she heard the rattling of the Time Cops charging up the fire escape, quickly approaching the roof. She jumped across another gab. She barely made this jump, tumbling forward as she land. She turned her fall into a forward roll, managing to recover and keep running with little interruption.

‘ _ 8 minutes… 1… 2- Ah! _ ’

Mabel ducked as a plasma blast shot past her shoulder, narrowly missing her. The girl glanced behind her, seeing both Time Cops running after her across the rooftops and aiming at her. Mabel ducked, weaved, and hopped as she ran, managing to barely avoid the lasers being fired at her. She jumped across to the next building with nary a stumble this time.

‘ _ 29… 30… 31… _ ’

She girl’s face paled as she saw the edge of the building she was on. There wasn’t another one for her to jump to, just the gap of a busy street. She had nowhere left to go, and over a minute before the Time Tape would be safe to use again. She needed something else, something-

There. A clothes line with a few T-shirts on them. Mabel dashed to the side, ducking under more fire. She couldn’t see her pursuers, but she could tell from the angle of their shots where they were, and the sounds of their stomping footsteps told her how far away they were. She ripped two shirts off the clothesline and spun around, tossing them into the air. They caught in the wind and flew right into the faces of the Time Cops, completely covering their eyes.

Unfortunately, Mabel blinded them just as they jumped off of the roof.

“No!” the girl shouted in horror as the two chasing her fell below the roof, the shirts having disoriented them mid jump.

With two sickening thuds, the chase came to an end.

Mabel looked at the edge of the building in disbelief. Surely, they would suddenly pop up over the side of the building. They must have caught onto a fire escape, or a ledge or something. They would appear, and she would have to flee again. She really shouldn’t waste any time. She needed to start running again, or they’d catch her. And yet…

Mabel walked to the edge of the building, hair whipping in the wind as the rest of the world became nothing to her. She shouldn’t do this. They would pop up. They would get her. They would-

Her worries were cut short when she looked over the edge, and saw the two Time Police Men lying dead in the otherwise empty alleyway.

Mabel let out a strangled cry of terrified denial at the images of the two Time Cops, their heads split open on the pavement. She cupped a hand over her mouth to try to keep herself from vomiting as she shook her head.

“ _ No… _ ” she whispered to herself as tears flowed from her unable to look away eyes. “ _ N-! _ ”

Her gaze at the grizzly sight was finally broken when she hunched over, stomach convulsing as its contents were violently expelled over the edge of the building. Mabel coughed, gasping for breath before the bile surged from her throat again. Mabel spit the residual slime out of her mouth and wiped her upper lip, feeling the burn of the vomit that had made it up her nose.

The girl stumbled back, unable to bear looking down into the alley anymore. Mabel took in deep breaths, trying to push away the images of broken skulls, expanding puddles of blood and  _ other _ things. She wasn’t very successful.

Mabel realized that she’d lost her count, but by now she’d likely gone past ten minutes. Numbly, she reached into her pocket and pulled out her Time Tape. Like a zombie, she pulled out the measure and released it, vanishing.

 

**_… nI 5214…_ **

 

Zald looked up from wiping of a glass, and saw a certain brunette stumble into the club. “Heya, Mabel-she! How’s my favorite-? Wah! What tracked on you?!”

Mabel opened her mouth, but all that came out was a broken sob. She collapsed to her knees, bawling her eyes out as the weight of her actions crashed down on her like a thousand tons.

Zald quickly hopped across the bar and rushed to Mabel’s side, gently holding her as she cried harder than she’d ever cried before.

“Sh-sh-sh…” Zald whispered as he rocked the girl back and forth. “It’s affirmative, it’s all affirmative…”

After what felt like an eternity of crying, with numerous patrons giving her odd looks. Mabel finally began to quiet. This was just in time for a female customer to see something on one of the screens.

“Holy time-crap!” she exclaimed as she rose from her seat. “Check this out, everyone!”

All eyes in the club turned to the specific screen as rough pictures of Mabel flashed up. Alongside them were pictures of the dead Time Cops, and an announcement by Time Baby quickly followed.

“ **The Anachronism calling itself Mabel Pines has murdered two members of the Time Paradox Avoidance Enforcement Squadron,** ” the tyrannical infant declared. “ **It has earned a Time-Bounty of ten-quadrillion squards, and is now considered number one on the Time-Most Wanted List. It should be considered extremely dangerous, and must be erased on sight.** ”

Zald turned the screen off as he guided Mabel to a seat at the bar and poured her a glass of water. The girl quietly drank the water, rinsing her mouth out as she did so. Zald looked back at the patrons, giving them a challenging look.

“Do we have greedy thems?” the bartender asked.

The various customers shook their heads.

“Hey, it’s not like Time Baby would give a reward to Anachronisms, anyway,” the woman from earlier said.

Zald nodded, before looking back to the girl sitting at the bar, wondering what in the continuum he was going to do.

 

**_… nA ruoh retal…_ **

 

“Mabel-she…”

The brunette turned to look at Zald with puffy red eyes.

“... It…” she tried quietly. “It was an accident… I swear… I didn’t… I want-”

“I know, Mabel-she,” Zald said. “... But your problems are giant now. Too giant for club.”

Mabel blinked, before realizing what Zald meant. “Wait… No, Zald, please-!”

“Need you to go, Mabel-she,” Zald said sadly. “And negative come back. Club can’t handle more problems.”

Before Mabel could protest, Zald handed her a small orb, about the size of a marble.

“Tachyon Distorter,” Zald explained. “Makes you harder to Time-See, view me? They’re hard to get, but you need total you can get now.”

“Zald, please, I can’t-!”

“And this.”

Mabel stared dumbly at the sight of the plasma pistol Zald was waiting for her to take.

“N-No!” Mabel said, recoiling from the weapon. “I don’t- I never meant to-!”

“I view you, Mabel-she,” Zald said with a nod. “But you don’t have a decision. You need this now.”

Mabel looked at the gun, aversion evident on her face. Despite this, she extended a trembling hand. With a hard swallow, she took the weapon and slid it into her pocket.

“It’s negative advanced as the Time Cops’,” Zald exclaimed, “but should be enough to cut through armor. You need to go to a time you haven’t before. Where they won’t predict you.”

Mabel nodded, fresh tears falling down her face. Zald looked at the girl with a broken heart. He was doing what he could, but… Now that she had killed two Time Cops, they would be after her more than any other Anachronism. She likely wouldn’t last long on her own. But as much as he wanted to, Zald couldn’t afford to help her anymore. With all the time and energy the Time Police would now be putting into finding her, keeping her in the Club was too big a risk. The girl might’ve had a special place in Zald’s heart, but he also had a responsibility to the other refugees that came looking for a temporary safe haven.

Mabel gripped Zald in a tight hug, which the four-armed bartender returned in kind. After a few moments, the brunette pulled out of the embrace, looking at Zald with her tear-streaked face.

“I’m going to miss you…” Mabel said.

The bartender nodded. “Double, Mabel-she.”

Mabel walked to on of the teleporter pads in silence, waving goodbye as she left the Break-Time Club for the last time.

 

**_… rehtonA ruoh retal…_ **

 

Mabel sat in a bathroom stall. She’d made her way to a mall, and was using the crowd to make herself harder to find. She used the momentary respite to try to come up with some kind of plan, because she was in desperate need of one. She could go to another point in the forty-second century, and try to lay low for as long as she could. But no, the Time Police would likely expect that. The truth was, there wasn’t anywhere she could go that they wouldn’t be able to find her eventually.

Mabel tried to keep her cool. While Zald hadn’t said as much, Mabel knew he’d been thinking it: she was on borrowed time. With no one who could afford to help her, Mabel wouldn’t last long. She’d likely only be able to survive a few weeks on her own, a month if she was lucky. Mabel hit her forehead repeatedly.

‘ _ Think Mabel, think! _ ’ she told herself. ‘ _ What do I do? What… What would Dipper do in this situation? Heh, he’d probably look in that nerd book of his for some answer- Wait a minute… _ ’

The Journal. Dipper mentioned in one of the redos of the fair day that the Author had encountered several advanced objects with the same symbol that was on the Time Tape. He’d encountered future tech before. And from what Dipper had said, the Author had understood it pretty well. It was a long shot, but maybe…

Mabel pulled out her Time Tape and thought about when and where she wanted to go. 1982? No, she’d probably want to go a few years farther back. 1978? That sounded like it would work. But where would she go? She’d need to be as efficient as possible. It was at that moment she remembered a theory Dipper had spun to her a while before the time nonsense happened. It was a big reach, but then again, so was this whole plan.

Pulling out the Time Tape, she set the date, pictured the location, and vanished.

 

**_… 8791…_ **

 

Mabel appeared on the front porch of a very familiar building. It might not have the sign, and it might have been the dead of a snowy winter night, but she’d recognize the structure anywhere.

The Mystery Shack.

She quickly knocked on the door, hoping that the light inside meant whoever was in there was still awake. Dipper had thought there was a possibility the Author had lived in the Shack before Stan had, because of the secret room with the body-swapping rug and the fact that Journal 3 was hidden fairly close to the premises. Right then she hoped dearly her brother’s guess had been right, as the mysterious paranormal investigator was quite possibly the only one who could help her.

Her eyes widened as she heard steps coming to the front. Here it was, the moment of truth. The door opened, and…

“Hello? I- Oh my. What are doing out in the cold all alone? And… what on earth are you wearing?”

Mabel stared in shock at the person before her. “No way…”

 

**12-1-0-1-24-11   19-7-8-11-18   20-11-11-10-25   7   14-1-13.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, here comes the mushy stuff.
> 
> Thank you all so, so, SO much for all the support you've given this story over it's run. I don't really have words to express how much this means to me. So instead of words, I've put forward this extra chapter that I've been holding onto for a while. I got the idea for it a while back, and have been putting it together in preparation for when the story reached 100 Kudos. It's actually pretty convenient that the story reached 100 when it did, because that means I get to put this chapter in soon after the last... less than interesting one prior. I like this one much more than the last, and I hope you do too.
> 
> That said, thank you all again for reading. If you have any likes, dislikes, or questions about the story that I don't address in these notes, feel free to ask them in the comments. I love hearing what you all have to say. Have a great day.
> 
> Sincerely, Loser With Fedora.
> 
>  
> 
> FUTURE MABEL WILL RETURN


	23. Still A Better Love Story Than Twilight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I know I don't usually do notes at the beginning of the chapter, but before I forget, there's a cool thing. My editor for this story also happens to be a talented artist. She liked the character of Zald from the last chapter so much that she made a pretty sweet drawing of him. You can find it here on Deviantart: https://www.deviantart.com/lonedragon155/art/Zald-771085193  
> Give it a look if you want to see what the alien bartender looks like. With that said, onto the show!

“C’mon, Broseph, let’s go!”

Mabel turned back to give her brother an impatient smile as she urged the boy down the sidewalk. Dipper rolled his eyes at the sight as he strolled after his sister. Ever since Soos’ birthday, Mabel had been on a Laser Tag bend. Dipper figured it was a better thing to obsess over than whatever reasonably attractive boy she’d seen on any given day, but it was kind of annoying that she kept dragging him along. Especially since Dipper’s aim had only improved marginally over the course of their playing.

‘ _ I swear she only brings me along so she can rub in that she’s a better shot than me… _ ’ Dipper griped in his head.

Still, it wasn’t like he had anything better to do. Solving the mystery of the Author had fallen pretty squarely on McGucket being able to remember more about his past. While the old man was making progress, it was slow going. So Dipper may as well try to have some fun in the meantime.

“Pick up the pace, Brochacho!” Mabel said as she continued to skip ahead of the boy. “Time for me to carry you through all the games again!”

Dipper sighed. “Try to” being the key words there.

The two continued heading to their destination, but they frowned as they saw a certain sullen teenager walking toward them.

“Oh great…” Robbie said as he stopped in front of the twins. “You two…”

“What do you want?” Dipper asked, glaring at the older boy.

“Wendy to talk to me, you two to go jump off a cliff, more spray paint,” Robbie listed bitterly. “But right now I’d just like to go home. Can I walk past you guys without you trying to ruin my life, or what?”

“How did  _ we _ ruin your life?” Dipper asked. “Last I checked, Wendy ditched you because you tried to kill us with a magic video game character.”

“That was an accident!” Robbie insisted. “And you didn’t have to tell her about it!”

“Oh yeah,” Dipper said as rolled his eyes, “me telling her about it was the problem.”

“Exactly!” Robbie exclaimed angrily, oblivious to Dipper’s sarcasm. “You’ve had it out for me because you knew I had better chances with Wendy than some teenie-bopper she’d just met!”

“I had it out for you because you were an enormous jerk to both me and my sister,” Dipper countered. “Because you sent a murder-video game after me. And yeah, because Wendy deserves better than you.”

Robbie growled, staring daggers at the shorter boy. Dipper and Mabel each gave the teen a hard stare, Mabel in particular sticking her tongue out as a sign to tell the boy to buzz off. Robbie backed down first, pulling his hood over his head as he looked away.

“Whatever…” he grumbled, tucking his hands in his pockets as he darted across the street in an effort to get away from the twins.

Or at least, he would’ve made it across if he’d bothered to look before hand.

The twins gasped in horror as the oncoming car tried screeching to halt, hoping to stop before the inevitable strike. Unfortunately, there just wasn’t enough time to even come close to stopping. The yellow car struck Robbie dead on, sending the boy flying down the road. His body crashed limply onto the asphalt, tumbling over itself before coming to a stop.

Dipper stared blankly at the sight for a moment before snapping into action.

“Call an ambulance!” Dipper shouted at Mabel as he darted to the teen’s unresponsive body.

Dipper knelt next to Robbie, lightly patting the boy’s limbs and sides. He didn’t seem to have any broken ribs, and his arms and legs seemed okay. Lucky, but Dipper reminded himself that smaller fractures weren’t out of the question. He gently rolled Robbie onto his back, taking the pressure off the boy’s chest. Okay, the steady rise and fall of his diaphragm let him know Robbie was still kicking. Dipper tilted the boy’s head back, making sure his airway was clear, and briefly checked Robbie’s pulse to see if there was any irregular heartbeats. Given the easy breathing such a problem wasn’t likely, but it never hurt to be sure. In all honesty, Robbie seemed pretty okay, all things considered. The teen was pretty luck-

Dipper froze. That couldn’t be right. He looked down. Robbie was still breathing normally. And yet…

As Dipper adjusted his hand over Robbie’s carotid, the teen’s eyes gently fluttered open. Robbie’s eyes darted around, confused, before noticing Dipper sitting next to him and staring at him intently.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Robbie asked groggily, before pushing the boy back. “Get away from me!”

“Wait, Robbie!” Dipper said as Robbie stood up and stormed off. “You-!”

“Just stay away from me!” Robbie shouted back. “You ruin everything!”

Mabel watched in surprise as the edgy teen walked away. What was more surprising was the look Dipper had on his face, one of complete shock. Mabel walked over to Dipper tucking her phone away.

“Is he going to be okay, Bro?” she asked.

Dipper simply looked back at her with a confused look.

“Even when he woke up,” Dipper said, mystified. “Even then, he didn’t have a pulse.”

 

**_… A yad retal, ni eht ytivarG sllaF yratemeC…_ **

 

Dipper lay back on the grass as Mabel, Wendy, Nate, Lee, and Thompson all looked up and looked at the strange shapes of the clouds (Tambry was there too, but she was too busy messing with her phone to notice the clouds). But the boy’s thoughts were far from the group at the moment. Dipper was thinking about Robbie, something that had previously only filled him with anger. Now though, he was filled with curiosity.

‘ _ I’m positive, _ ’ Dipper thought with certainty. ‘ _ Robbie didn’t have a pulse, even after he woke up. But what could that mean? That he doesn’t have a heart? That… actually wouldn’t surprise me that much. But then how is he even alive? _ ’

“Whoa, guys, check it out!” Wendy said, ripping Dipper from his musings as she pointed to the sky. “Hot air balloons!”

Dipper looked up and saw that the redhead was right. Several balloons of varying colors were floating across the sky, and the teens present all cheered at the sight.

“Oh dude, it’s the Woodstick Festival!” Nate said excitedly.

“The wood what?” Dipper asked, hoping that the group hadn’t been talking about this earlier.

“It’s this annual outdoor concert featuring Oregon’s up and coming indie bands,” Wendy explained, before swiping Tambry’s cell phone.

“Hey!” the phone addict exclaimed indignantly.

“They’re all coming!” Wendy said, ignoring her friend as she showed the twins pictures of some of the performers. “Scarves Indoors, Wood Grain on Everything, the Love God!”

“Whoa!” Mabel said, wide-eyed as Tambry took her phone back with a pout. “Like a real  _ concert _ -concert?”

“The whole shabang,” Wendy confirmed with a nod.

“You know,” Mabel said with a hopeful look, “Dipper and I haven’t ever actually been to one of those before.”

Wendy smirked at the younger girl. “That’s because you’ve never had an awesome crew to roll with before!”

Dipper looked at Lee and Nate as they got Thompson to lick a moldy old sponge they’d apparently found on the ground. While Dipper would never suggest that Wendy was anything less than awesome, he wasn’t sure if the rest of their “crew” counted. Oh well.

“When you’re with us, you’re in!” Wendy finished, pointing at the twins with a wink.

While Mabel giggled excitedly, Dipper put on a light smile. Honestly, he wasn’t too thrilled at the notion of a concert. It didn’t necessarily sound like a bad time, just not really his scene. Still, Mabel was hyped up for it, and he supposed there were worse ways to hang out with the teens (a haunted convenience store came to mind).

The group hung out for a bit longer, but eventually they decided to split, all having things to do. As they walked back to Thompson’s van, Dipper saw Wendy check her texts and let out an annoyed groan.

“Robbie?” he asked the redhead.

“How’d you guess?” Wendy asked as she shoved her phone back into her pocket.

“You just did your ‘Robbie Groan’,” Dipper said with a smirk.

Wendy pretended not to hear the rest of the group chuckle at that. “He just won’t quit. And his texts are getting creepier and creepier. He’s been begging me to ‘take him back’ and telling me I’m his ‘special girl’. I’m kinda gettin’ weirded out.”

“Robbie’s always been a creep,” Tambry said unenthusiastically, not looking up from her phone. “He’s been obsessed with you ever since we were kids.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Wendy said with an eyeroll. “And I was too nice to see it. Are you ever going to let me live that down?”

“No,” Tambry answered simply. “And I called you naive.”

Wendy grumbled a bit to herself, and Dipper saw an opportunity.

“You said Robbie was always like this,” the boy commented. “What do you mean, exactly?”

“He’d follow Wendy around like a lost puppy,” Tambry said as she typed away on her phone. “He’d start acting like a jerk to anyone he thought got to close to her. He put up with the guys, but I don’t think he ever really liked them that much.”

“Hey!” Lee and Nate said indignantly, while Thompson simply frowned.

“He tried separating me and Wendy when we first met,” Tambry continued, ignoring the trio’s protest. “He got over me eventually, probably ‘cause he thought he didn’t have to worry about me stealing Wendy from him.”

Wendy snorted. “Well, he was right about that, I guess.”

Tambry shrugged, reading a new post. “TL;DR, I’ve known Robbie since fifth grade, and he was just as unpleasant then as he is now.”

Dipper nodded, and hopped into the van as Thompson drove the gang to their respective homes. The boy went back into deep thought, going over the new information. Tambry seemed to more accurately recall Robbie’s behavior than Wendy did, and if the phone-obsessed girl was to be believed, then Robbie’s behavior wasn’t just some teenage phase. But she also remembered him growing up with them since they were kids. So that threw out the robot angle he’d been considering. But then what else could be…?

Dipper’s eyes widened, a memory popping into his head.

‘ _ No way… _ ’

When the twins got out at the Mystery Shack and the van drove off, Dipper immediately pulled out Journal 3, and flipped through the pages.

“What’s up, Bro-Bro?” Mabel asked, looking at the boy curiously. “You figure out something cool?”

“Maybe…” Dipper said as he looked over a specific page with the black light. “Oh boy.”

“What is it?” Mabel asked.

Dipper looked his sister seriously. “I think we need to go to Robbie’s house.”

 

**_… Retal, ta eht onitnelaV larenuF emoH…_ **

 

“This explains a lot,” Dipper said.

The twins walked up to Robbie’s house, which was apparently a funeral home. Maybe Dipper’s hunch was wrong, and the reason Robbie was such a jerk was because he grew up in a messed up place like this. Dipper could only imagine what his parents would be like.

“Okay Mabel,” Dipper said to his sister as he rang the doorbell. “You know what we could be dealing with here. Be careful.”

“Right,” Mabel said as she stared at the front door with narrowed eyes. “ _ This could get intense… _ ”

Suffice it to say, Dipper didn’t get what he’d been expecting.

“Howdy do!” a nice looking man greeted as he answered the door.

“Happy day!” an equally nice looking woman said as she stood next to the man at the doorway.

“It is intense…” Mabel whispered to herself.

Dipper blinked in confusion. “... You’re Robbie’s parents?”

“We always thought he was, like, raised by sad wolves or something,” Mabel said as she looked at the happy couple.

“Oh, well, he doesn’t like to talk about us,” Mr. Valentino explained. “He always says we’re too cheerful for funeral directors.”

Both parents laughed at that, and Dipper immediately saw why Robbie wouldn’t want to talk about them.

“Come in, come in,” Mr. Valentino said as he and his wife made way for the twins.

The two stepped into the house and saw…

A glass coffin sitting in the living room.

With a person inside it.

… Well then.

“Cracker platter?” Mr. Valentino offered, lifting the plate off of the glass coffin.

“... No thanks,” Dipper finally said, trying very hard not to look at the on display cadaver. “We just ate. Besides, we really need to talk to Robbie.”

“Oh, of course,” Mrs. Valentino said with a nod.

The kind woman walked into the kitchen for a moment, before emerging with a plate.

“Robbie Stacey Valentino!” Mrs. Valentino called up the stairs. “There’s two kids here to see you!”

She paused for a moment, but there was no answer. Mrs. Valentino shook her head, letting out a barely audible sigh.

“You two go on up,” she said, handing Mabel the plate of spaghetti. “And could you bring him his lunch?”

Mabel beamed at the sauce and meatballs on the pasta, arranged in a smiley face. “Lady, I like your style.”

The twins walked up the stairs, Dipper deep in thought. The parents were… a bit unnerving, but seemed nice enough. He supposed he understood why Robbie wouldn’t want to invite friends over, but they probably didn’t account for his attitude. And they did work in a funeral home that was right next to a cemetery. Maybe…

Dipper looked up as he and Mabel walked down the second story hallway. They saw various pictures of Robbie, showing his edgelord transformation over the years. Yet interestingly enough, they only seemed to go back to when he was a few years old. No baby pictures that Dipper could see.

They got to Robbie’s room, and Dipper refrained from scoffing at all the “Go Away” signs. The area in front of the door wasn’t lit as well as the rest of the hallway, and the wallpaper was peeling. It was almost as if Robbie’s terrible attitude was sucking the life out of the house. Then again, it was just as likely Robbie set that up on purpose to make him seem angstier.

Now that Dipper thought about it, the second option made way too much sense.

Dipper knocked on the door.

“Robbie, it’s Mabel and Dipper!” the girl called through the door.

“Ugh,” they heard from the other side. “Go away! No Pines allowed!”

“Not even if we have food?” Mabel asked.

There was a pause, before Robbie responded, “What food?”

“ _ Homemade spaghetti~ _ ” Mabel answered enticingly.

After a moment of silence, the twins heard shuffling and the door opened. Robbie glared at the two, and stuck his arm out.

“Hand it over and scram,” he said.

“You get it if you let us in for a bit,” Dipper said. “We have something we need to talk to you about.”

Robbie grumbled, but opened his door all the way, allowing the twins to enter his room. Mabel skipped in, handing the boy his food, and Dipper walked in, trying to ignore the ever-present glare Robbie was directing at him. Robbie shut the door behind him, and shoveled a large amount of spaghetti into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed, eyes narrowing at the two kids.

“What do you brats want?” the teen finally asked.

“The accident the other day,” Dipper said. “What do you remember?”

“That you two are apparently walking jinxes,” Robbie spat. “Whenever you’re around things always seem to go wrong.”

Dipper ignored the venom for the moment, staying on topic. “Were you injured afterward?”

“Why do care?” Robbie responded bitterly.

“The sooner you answer our questions, the sooner we’re out of your hair,” Dipper said. “Were you hurt?”

Robbie glared at the boy, clearly not thrilled about this kind of treatment in his own home. “No, I was fine. Takes more than a car to keep me down!”

Dipper ignored the boasting. “And what about your heart?”

“What about my heart?” Robbie asked.

“Check your pulse,” Dipper told the teen.

“What?” Robbie asked, getting annoyed. “What are you-?”

“Just do it,” Dipper interrupted.

“Okay, that’s it,” Robbie said, looking away. “You two beat it, now! Before I-!”

“You don’t know how to check your pulse, do you?” Dipper asked.

“Wh-What?” Robbie stammered. “N-No, I…”

The teen looked at the twins, able to clearly see they didn’t believe him.

“Okay, fine…” Robbie grumbled. “I’ve never been able to get the position for the fingers right.”

“Lucky for you, Mabel’s here!” the girl cheered. “Let me show you how it’s done.”

Mabel moved over to Robbie, guiding his fingers right over his carotid and getting him to press down. The teen focused, just trying to get this over with. But after a few seconds, he got an annoyed look.

“This is stupid,” Robbie grumbled as he pulled his hand away. “You weren’t even doing it right. I couldn’t feel a thing.”

“I was doing it right,” Mabel insisted.

“She was,” Dipper confirmed. “Try his wrist.”

Mabel grabbed Robbie’s fingers again and guided them to the pulse point on his wrist. Robbie stared with curiosity at his wrist, becoming more confused.

“Okay, what are you two doing?” Robbie asked. “I still can’t feel anything.”

“Have you ever felt your heart hammer in your chest?” Dipper asked, ignoring Robbie’s question.

“I’ve been out of breath before, yeah,” Robbie said, still not sure what the point of this whole thing was.

“Not out of breath,” Dipper specified. “Have you ever felt your heart rate spike?”

“Sure,” Robbie said with a shrug. “Who hasn’t?”

“When?”

Robbie was about to answer, when he thought for a moment. He seemed a bit confused, thinking the question over.

“All the time,” he deflected. “I don’t know.”

“You can’t remember any specific time, though?” Dipper asked.

“Why does it even matter?” Robbie asked, getting annoyed. “It happens to everyone.”

“Have you ever had your pulse checked at the doctor’s?” Dipper continued, pushing past the teen’s growing frustration.

“Never been to a doctor,” Robbie bragged. “Never gotten sick or injured enough to go. Yeah, no biggie, I’m just that tough.”

“And your parents never insisted on check ups?” Dipper asked. “Never wanted you to get shots?”

“Like I said, I’ve never really gotten sick,” Robbie repeated. “They never thought I needed to go.”

Dipper took a deep breath. His suspicions seemed confirmed, but now was the time for the big question.

“Have you ever seen any baby pictures of yourself?”

“What?!” Robbie exclaimed. “Look kid, I’m not showing you any-!”

“I don’t want to see them,” Dipper interrupted. “I’m asking if YOU’VE seen any.”

“Well yeah, I…” Robbie trailed off, before thinking. “No, I guess not. My parents never put any of those around.”

“How about pictures of your mother pregnant?” Dipper continued.

The slow look of realization dawning over Robbie’s face indicated that the answer was “no”.

“Mabel and I saw your pictures in the hallway,” Dipper went on. “Have you ever noticed that you don’t really look like either of your parents?”

All at once, the insinuation clicked in Robbie’s head. In an instant, he shot up and darted out of his room. The twins followed, and saw that the teen was pulling down the ladder to the house’s attic. He quickly scaled up, Dipper and Mabel close behind. When they got up, they saw Robbie digging through an old box of keepsakes, until he found what he was looking for. The two kids looked over his shoulders as he flipped through an old scrapbook. He’d brushed the thing off before with aloof dismissal, not caring about some dumb old photos. Now though, he looked for the evidence that would either make or break Dipper’s claim.

Robbie checked the dates on the pictures. 1995, the year he was born. He looked for pictures of his pregnant mother, but quickly realized there wasn’t a single photo of her in the nine months she was supposedly pregnant with him. The times and dates of the pictures became more sporadically placed the next few years.

And seemingly in confirmation of Dipper’s theory, the earliest photo he could find of himself was his third birthday.

Robbie dropped the album, shocked. “No way…”

“Robbie dear?” Mrs. Valentino called as she climbed up the ladder. “What are you doing up- Oh…”

The kindly woman trailed off at the sight of the open scrapbook, and the look of betrayal on her son’s face.

“I…” Mrs. Valentino spoke. “I suppose we have some explaining to do.”

The three walked downstairs behind Robbie’s mother, and they all sat in the living room. Mr. Valentino entered from the kitchen. He was about to ask what was going on, when Robbie cut him of.

“I’m adopted!?” the teen exclaimed, clearly unhappy and the secret.

The boy’s parents shared a look that didn’t go unnoticed by Dipper.

“... Y-Yes,” Mrs. Valentino stuttered. “Your father and I tried to have a baby, but never could, so we-”

“Resorted to necromancy?”

All members of the Valentino family looked at Dipper. Robbie seemed confused, while his parents looked completely shocked.

“Wh-What, ah…” Mr. Valentino stammered. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, young man, but-”

Dipper pulled out Journal 3 and flipped to the page on zombies. Using the blacklight, he read a hidden entry on the page aloud.

“‘While I had been initially confused by the distinction,’” the boy spoke, “‘I have since come to realize the difference between a typical zombie and the more developed version I’ve encountered. What I have come to call a “Revenant” is an evolved form of a zombie achieved through particularly potent necromancy, such as the spell archived in my first Journal. What separates a Revenant from a standard zombie is consciousness, the ability to think like a human. Furthermore, Revenants don’t seem to crave brains, and can sustain themselves on normal human food. They can even age, but seeing as they are still undead they do not seem capable of death. However, it seems that their bodies can rot into nothing after a long enough period of time. The most defining characteristic of a Revenant, though, appears to be that their hearts do not work, and they have limited grasps on emotions. They are only capable of surface-level happiness, and are much more prone to bouts of anger, sadness, and emotional disorders. They seem to possess little to no capacity for empathy.’”

Dipper closed the book, and looked up at Robbie’s parents and their sweating faces.

“Sound like anyone you know?” Dipper asked them.

Robbie laughed at the younger boy. “Oh sure, I’m some super-zombie because some stupid book says so, right? How stupid can you-?”

“Robbie,” his mother interrupt. “It’s true.”

Robbie laughed more, before looking at his parents’ faces. There was no hint of joking in their expressions, and both looked at him with deadly seriousness. Slowly, Robbie’s smile fell, realizing there was no “Gotcha!” moment coming.

Mr. Valentino walked over to a picture of a gate and a gravestone on the wall, as his wife began speaking.

“Like we said,” Mrs. Valentino explained, “we couldn’t have our own child. But when we moved to Gravity Falls, with found something in this house.”

Robbie’s father reached behind the painting and pulled out what looked like a page from one of the Journals, showing it to the collected children.

“This,” the man explained. “We thought if we couldn’t make our own child the normal way, then maybe we could…”

He looked away, and Robbie stared at the two adults, unbelieving of what he was hearing.

“We found records of a toddler who’d died of influenza in the forties,” his mother continued. “Robert Stacy. We thought it wasn’t fair that life had been cut so short for the child, so we wanted to give him a second chance at life.”

She finally looked her son in the eyes, and had a hopeful smile.

“We wanted to give you a second chance at life.”

Robbie sat there, stunned. For a decent while he was lost for words. How else could you expect one to react to discovering he’d been dead for over fifty years? That he was some super-zombie or that he… wait…

“... It’s your fault,” Robbie said. “It’s your fault why I’m like this. Why I can’t get along with anyone, why Wendy never loved me back!”

The adults looked away in shame.

“We didn’t know about the emotional damage until after we’d done it,” Mr. Valentino explained. “We thought if we put on a good example, if we were always kind and thoughtful you’d learn it too, but-”

“But it didn’t work!” Robbie yelled. “And now what?! I’m just some… some heartless monster!? So I’m going to be hated and alone forever because you two didn’t think to just adopt!?!”

“Robbie,” Mrs. Valentino tried, “your father and I-”

“Shut up!” Robbie spat. “You aren’t my parents! You should’ve just left me in the ground!”

With that, the undead boy stormed upstairs, and soon after he disappeared from sight the rest of them could hear his bedroom door slam violently shut.

Mrs. Valentino looked were her adopted son had just been, and seemed moments away from tears. Mr. Valentino walked over to his wife and hugged her, his own eyes misting as well.

“I, uh…” Mabel said awkwardly as she rose from her seat. “I think we should go.”

“I think that’s for the best,” Mr. Valentino said bitterly.

The twins left the funeral home, both trying to deal with what had just transpired.

“Dipper, what did we just do?” Mabel asked.

The boy frowned. He’d just wanted to find out what was going on with Robbie, but hadn’t given any thought to how it would impact the teen, or his family. He really hadn’t thought this through. He never would’ve thought he’d feel bad for Robbie, but…

“I…” Dipper said. “I think we might’ve made a mistake.”

 

**_...retaL, ta s’ysaerG reniD…_ **

 

Mabel sat glumly at a booth as she munched on a french fry. The girl felt… blargh. Yeah, that was an accurate way to sum up her emotional state. She’d thought that Robbie finding out the truth would be a GOOD thing. Maybe he’d feel some kind of self acceptance, or a new level of clarity. Maybe he’d be happy that his parents had brought him back from the dead to have a new life. Maybe he’d even be slightly grateful to the twins for helping him find out the truth.

Mabel sighed, grabbing another fry.

That had apparently been too optimistic. Now Robbie hated his parents, hated the twins even more, and from the sound of things hated himself. Despite the edgelord persona the teen put on, he wanted to fall in love, and have a happy life. But now it seemed like those things were impossible. That part in particular saddened Mabel the most.

She may have given dating a break for the moment, but she still wanted to find someone eventually. But Robbie… he couldn’t ever fall in love. Not really. He just wasn’t able to feel things like that, despite wanting to. Now his creepy infatuation with Wendy made sense. That was him trying as hard as he could to be in love with someone, but he could never do it just right. Mabel suddenly felt very glad that Dipper had managed to stop Wendy from going out with the undead boy. Who knew what Robbie would’ve done if the relationship hadn’t gone the way he wanted? Mabel knew Wendy could take care of herself, but the thought was still concerning…

Mabel chewed up another fry. She felt bad for Robbie. For what he had to go through, and how she and Dipper had inadvertently made things worse. She wished there was something she could do, something that could help Robbie get the happiness he wanted. But it didn’t look like that was much of a possibility.

Mabel’s depressed musings were loudly interrupted by a guy with a… she just assumed it was a hippie look, and messy blonde hair. She recognized the guy as the Love God, one of the performers for the Woodstick Festival.

“Woo-hoo!” the musician cheered. “Who’s ready to fall in love tonight?!”

“Love God!” several of the diner’s customer cheered.

“That’s what they call me,” the guy said as he started up the jukebox. “We’re rewriting history tonight, and it starts with you and you!”

The performer pointed at a man and woman sitting next to each other at the counter. With a blink, the two suddenly started kissing. Mabel looked at the sight in bewildered awe.

“Love is real and it’s in your face!” Love God declared before siding up next to an elderly lady. “What’s your name, you little angel?”

“Meredith,” the old woman responded with a chuckle.

“Meredith, Meredith, we got a problem,” Love God whispered, pointing at an old man sitting on the other side of the diner. “That cutie right there is your soulmate and you’re living without him.”

“Oh no,” the woman said. “What do I do?”

“Get it, girl,” Love God encouraged. “You know what you love.”

Meredith ran over to the man at the counter and picked him up, the two smiling at each other.

Love God smiled as the two ran off to a happy life together. “Pow! Match made!”

Mabel stared in shock at the sight. This guy with a pink backpack with cutesy wings on the sides just got total strangers to wind up together. Could he just be really good at matchmaking, or…?

Mabel waited for Love God to sit down and have his food served. Now that she was pretty sure he wouldn’t just leave, Mabel got up for her seat and walked over to the mysterious musician.

“Hi,” Mabel said as she sat across from the eating blonde guy. “Love God? Mabel here. Big fan. Can I just say, that was some of the finest matchmaking I’ve ever seen? Can you please, please tell me your secret?”

Love God swallowed his bite of sandwich and gave the girl a knowing grin. “Well, between you and me, let’s just say my name’s not exactly a coincidence.”

Mabel noticed that the wings sticking out of the musician’s backpack fluttered, and the girl gasped. “Oh. My. Love God. Are you an actual love god?”

“Yeah, no biggie,” Love God said nonchalantly. “Technical term’s ‘cherub’. The internet pretty much does my job for me nowadays, so I’m taking time to focus on my rock career. Boom. Cassette. Boom. For you.”

“Oh! That’s... great,” Mabel said as she subtly dropped the cassette under the table. “So, anyway. Can you make anything fall in love? How?”

“Just take a little love potion from one of the bottles,” the cherub explained, picking up one of the many bottles from his belt. “Get a little on your finger, flick it at someone, and BOOM! Match made.”

“Does it really work on anyone?” Mabel asked hopefully. “Even the, uh…  _ deadest _ of hearts?”

“ _ Oh, ho! _ ” Love God chuckled as he took another huge bite out of his sandwich. “Sounds like you’ve got a toughy in mind. If the case is bad enough, I might just step in. Lay it on me, girl! Whaddaya got?”

“His name is Robbie Valentino,” Mabel said. “I think he really needs your help. See, he can’t even feel love, since he’s a Reve-something, but if you can-”

“Woah, woah, rewind there, little lady,” Love God interrupted. “Ya mean this guy’s a Revenant?”

“Yeah, that’s the thing,” Mabel confirmed.

Love God let out a long whistle. “Sorry sister, that’s a no-go. My love magic is squarely for the living. Thanatos doesn’t like me messing with his stuff, you feel me?”

“But,” Mabel said, face falling, “he really needs-”

“I’m sure he does, kid,” the cherub cut her off. “But things get complicated when you start tryin’ to matchmake with someone who’s not even supposed to be kicking, you know? And you can’t really find a soul mate for someone who doesn’t have a soul.”

“But-!”

“Sorry kid, but that’s that,” Love God said with finality. “Trust the word of a love expert, tryin’ to use the matchmaking forces of fate on the dead is a recipe for trouble.”

With that, Love God finished his sandwich and stood up.

“Sorry girlio, your friend’s on his own,” the cherub said as he walked off, before shouting to the rest of the patrons. “Hey all, Love God is OUT! You want more Love God magic, come and see my gig at the Woodstick Festival! Let’s fall in love tonight!”

And with that, Love God left. Mabel was dejected, before an idea started to form in her head.

‘ _ Don’t worry, Robbie. I promise I’ll help you. _ ’

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ta eht onitnelaV esuoh…_ **

 

“ **GRAGH!!!** ”

Robbie room was filled with his enraged shouting as he threw various pillows, spray cans, whatever he could get his hands on at any undamaged spot on his walls. He angrily ran his hands through his hair, trying to wrap his mind around what he’d learned mere hours before.

“ **Stupid kids!** ” he yelled as he threw an empty spray can at his dart board with Dipper’s face on it.

It was all because of them. They just HAD to poke their stupid heads in, with their stupid food and stupid book and stupid ideas. And they had to be right, of all things! If they had just never told him what he was, what his parents did…

“ **Stupid fake parents!** ”

Robbie grabbed the one framed photo of his parents he let them put in his room and smashed it again his desk. They couldn’t just adopt.  _ No, no,  _ they had to do geometry on him! Or wait, was that the right word? Whatever.

“ **Stupid! Dead! Me!** ” Robbie shouted as he punched his door repeatedly.

Now Robbie had to wonder how much of his personality was the result of him being dead. He’d never been particularly smart, but was that because he never applied himself, our did he have a rotting brain that made it impossible for him to be as smart as everyone else? Was he naturally moody, or was that the result of his apparently non-functioning heart? Who even was “Robbie Stacy Valentino”? Could he remember being dead if he tried? Most kids who find out the hard way they were adopted just have to deal with their parents lying to them their whole lives. Robbie’s revelation was putting him through an existential crisis!

Robbie let out a strained breath. The worst part was, he knew now why Wendy liked Dipper more than him. If Robbie was honest with himself, he’d always known that there was something off about him. He knew from his parents that he needed to be nicer, that more people would like him if he were nicer. But he could never do it. He never understood why before, but now he understood. He understood that the fantasy of finding the girl of his dreams, of having someone who’d always be there for him, would never happen. Why? Because his fake parents had made him a naturally terrible person that no one would like! And they actually had the nerve to say they loved him? For all he knew, they pulled him out of heaven just so they could pretend to have a kid!

‘ _ That’s it, I need to get out of here, _ ’ Robbie thought as he grabbed his wallet. ‘ _ I need somewhere to go with terrible food to drown my problems in. _ ’

Mind made up, he stormed off down the stairs, ghosted his parents, and left for the Woodstick Festival.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht, kcitsdooW lavitseF…_ **

 

“Woodstick! Woodstick!” Nate, Lee, and Wendy chanted.

The three, along with Dipper, Mabel, Tambry, and Thompson walked though the festival. Dipper looked around, taking in the sights and smells. He might not have been too excited about the event, but he was still happy he came along. This would be interesting. Still, he had a job to do.

“Hey,” Dipper said to the group, “Mabel and I are going to got get some deep-fried whatever.”

“Oh man, that stuff’s the bomb!” Lee said, handing Dipper a twenty. “Grab me some, will ya? Thanks little man.”

Dipper looked at the money in his hands. ‘ _... There’s no way there’s actually something here called “Deep-Fried Whatever”, right…? What am I saying, of course there is. _ ’

With a nod, he and Mabel walked off.

“You sure about this, Mabel?” Dipper asked as they made their way to the parking lot for the performers. “I know we screwed up with Robbie, but doing something that could potentially get us on the hit-list of the literal god of death seems like a bad idea.”

“We’ll figure that out later,” Mabel said. “But come on, Dipper! Doesn’t Robbie deserve to be happy too?”

“Not really,” Dipper said. “No one just ‘deserves’ happiness, Mabel. Especially when all they’ve done since coming back from the dead is be a huge tool.”

“But wouldn’t a nice Robbie be better for everyone?” Mabel asked.

Dipper nodded. “Now  _ that _ I can get behind.”

“Alright,” Mabel nodded, before perking up. “Ooh, ooh! That’s it!”

Dipper followed Mabel’s pointing finger, and saw a van with a spray painted image of Love God on the side of it.

“Love God,” a voice came over the speakers. “Sound check for Love God.”

The back of the van opened up, and Love God fell out onto the ground. Out of the back of the van, Tyler Cutebiker and some hippie girl peeked out, looking at the fallen musician.

“Ow…” Love God muttered as he stood up. “Alright, let’s make some miracles happen. Groupies, bed-head me.”

Love God bent his head down and the two in the van began ruffling his hair.

The cherub chuckled as he ushered his groupies away with him. “Love God’s about to get crazy…”

“Now’s our chance,” Mabel whispered.

The twins dashed to the van’s open back doors, and looked around. Mabel quickly spotted Love God’s rope belt with the various love potions on it.

“Here we go,” Mabel said as she read the labels on the vials. “Let’s see. ‘Puppy-love,’ no. ‘Interspecies love,’ no. ‘Love of country music,’ ew.”

“‘Summer love,’ no,” Dipper said as he look at a few other assorted potions. “‘Young love,’ no. ‘Anti-love,’ definitely not.”

“Oh!” Mabel exclaimed. “Here! ‘General love. Makes even the most heartless an all around more loving person. Perfect for serial killers, war criminals, and lawyers.’”

“Sounds good to me,” Dipper said. “Let’s get this to-”

“Hey!”

The twins spun around and saw Love God storming over to them.

“That stuff dangerous, stop-! Wait,” Love God exclaimed, before recognizing Mabel. “You? You’re stealing my potions? I am not loving this.”

“I’m sorry,” Mabel said, “but Robbie needs this. He needs to feel love. Shouldn’t a love god get that?”

“Kid, I get what you’re saying,” Love God answered. “Really. But like I told you, using this stuff on a Revenant is a seriously bad idea. On my oath as a god I cannot let you- oh hey, where’d you go?”

Love God looked around, and saw the twins darting away from him, the general love potion held securely in Mabel’s grip.

“I’m sorry, Love God!” the girl called back over her shoulder.

“Come back here!” the cherub shouted as he charged after the kids.

Dipper glanced back over his shoulder and smirked. They were leaving Love God in their dust. It seemed being a god didn’t grant supernatural running power. At this rate, he and Mabel could duck into the crowds and lose him with no problems.

‘ _ Who’d have thought stealing from a god would be so easy? _ ’ Dipper thought.

“Dang it,” Love God panted.

He was getting left behind. These kids were going to get away and use his potion on a Revenant. He couldn’t let that happen, or Thanatos would be coming for them. They had no idea the trouble they’d be in by ticking of that old guy. He  _ needed _ to stop them for their own good. But he’d never catch up on foot.

“Don’t fail me now, tiny wings!” Love God muttered as his wings fluttered and began lifting him off the ground. “Oh, I haven’t had to use these in a long time… C’mon, get up there!”

“Uh oh,” Mabel said as she saw the cherub go airborne after them. “Dipper, he’s gaining on us!”

“Sorry, kids, but you’ve left me no choice,” Love God said as he pulled a vial from his belt. “Visions of heartbreak past!”

The cherub chucked the potion ahead, and the glass shattered as it hit the ground in front of the twins, surrounding them in a pink mist. Dipper skidded to a stop, no longer able to see where he was going. He coughed, waving his hand around to try to clear the magic smoke screen, when suddenly-

“Dipper?”

The boy spun around vision clearing. And what he saw was an ephemeral pink Wendy smiling at him.

“Hey man,” the illusion said sweetly. “So, I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I really like you. You wanna go out some ti-?”

Dipper swept his hand through the pink fake, dispelling the illusion. Dipper grimaced. That one had gotten to him more than he’d like to admit, but that didn’t mean he was going to fall for such an obvious tra-

“Sure you can all marry me,” Mabel giggled as she was surrounded by phantoms of her past crushes. “Oh, guy from the ten dollar bill. I forgot I had a crush on you.”

“MABEL!” Dipper shouted.

“Huh?” Mabel mumbled, before seeing brother’s glare. “Oh, right.”

With a wide spin kick, Mabel wiped out all the illusions. With a light pant, she looked back to her brother, but her eyes widened.

“Dipper, watch out!” the girl shouted.

Unfortunately, Dipper didn’t react fast enough. Love God landed right behind the boy and grabbed him in a headlock. Dipper was about to stomp down hard on the cherub’s toes, when out of the corner of his eye he saw a suspiciously black vial held next to his head.

“Nobody move!” Love God shouted as he popped the cork off the vial. “One wrong move and your bro gets doused in anti-love! Now hand over the potion!”

“Really?” Dipper asked incredulously. “Go ahead, man. I’m already dead inside.”

“Big talk, little man,” the cherub said. “But you can’t fool a love god. I can see your red string of fate, kid. One drop of this stuff and your future with your soul mate goes bye-bye.”

Mabel gasped in horror, and Dipper swallowed.

“Don’t do it, Mabel!” Dipper yelled. “I’ll be fine, just get the stuff to Robbie!”

“Don’t even think about it!” Love God shouted at Mabel. “It’s not just his soul mate, he won’t be able to feel love for anyone! That includes you! His heart will shrivel up and he’ll be miserable the rest of his life!”

Mabel looked between her brother and his captor, panicking. “St-Stop! You’re the Love God! You can’t do something that terrible to him!”

“A life of anti-love doesn’t even come close to what Thanatos would do to you kids if I let you use a love potion on a Revenant,” Love God said. “Now hand it over!”

Mabel looked down at the vial in her hand and gripped it tighter. She stared at Dipper, before grimacing.

“... Fine…” Mabel muttered.

Love God breathed a bit easier at that. “Okay, just-”

“Go get it!”

With a quick toss Mabel sent the vial flying to Love God’s right. Surprised, he lunged for the potion, but realized too late he’d lost his grip on Dipper. The boy gave him a powerful elbow right into his solar plexus, knocking the wind out of the cherub. Dipper jumped out to the side and barely managed to snag the thrown potion out of the air.

“Yes!” he  exclaimed.

“ **_AAAAAAHHH!!!_ ** ”

Dipper looked toward the source of the scream, and his face contorted in horror. When he’d struck Love God, the open bottle of anti-love potion had flown from his hands. The contents of the bottle had mostly spilled harmlessly onto the grass, but some of it hit the face of a person.

That person being Mabel.

The experience was like nothing she could have imagined. At first Mabel’s emotions all swelled, like everything she felt was being amplified instead of removed. But then her positive feelings stopped growing, while her negative emotions continued to rise and rise and rise. Every feeling of sadness, loneliness, anger, heartbreak, rejection, fear, and so much more that she’d ever experienced all came forward at once, drowning out her thoughts in a tidal wave of anguish. Then like a bomb going off, the pain she felt exploded, increasing exponentially before just as suddenly going quiet.

Mabel panted, looking around as she came back to her senses. The potion had vanished from her face, having been absorbed through her skin. She should feel relieved that the pain went away, but she didn’t.

She didn’t feel anything.

“Mabel!”

The girl looked up, shell-shocked, and saw Dipper running at her. He had an expression of fear on his face. He was terrified by what had just happened to her. He ran up and grabbed her by the shoulders. He was asking her something. Mabel wasn’t sure what. She was to distracted by the confusion in her thoughts. Something wasn’t right. The sight of her normally stoic brother so visibly disturbed. She should have felt… something. What should she have felt again? Happy? She remembered that people used to describe her as happy, so maybe that was it? No wait, happy was for when good things happen. And Dipper making so much noise was definitely not a good thing.

“Shut up, Dipper,” Mabel muttered as her ears stopped ringing. “Jeez, why are you being such a baby?”

Dipper recoiled as if struck. “No…”

The boy looked down at his hand. He needed the the general love potion for Mabel. Unfortunately, the vial was gone.

Dipper looked behind him frantically. He must have dropped it when he ran to Mabel Where was-?

Love God picked up the potion, letting out a sigh of relief. “Gotcha.”

“Give it back,” Dipper barked out, quickly feeling his fear melt into rage. “Right now!”

“Sorry kid, but no way,” Love God said. “I obviously can’t trust you two with this stuff. I’m sorry about your sister, but that’s what happens when you mess with a god.”

“Give it back,” Dipper repeated through clenched teeth, “ **or I’ll make you give it back.** ”

Love God scoffed. “Not gonna happen kid. Only a greater being from the heavens themselves could possibly stop- Whoa!”

Dipper and Mabel dived out of the way as, out of nowhere, a giant on-fire hot air balloon of Stan’s head came crashing down on top of Love God, crushing him.

… Well.

That happened.

Dipper looked at the wreckage, and saw the general love potion turned on its side, opening uncorked and the potion spilling out. Dipper instantly dashed over to the bottle and carefully picked it up. There wasn’t much left of its contents, but it seemed like just enough to fix the damage done to Mabel. That was-

The boy heard a loud gasp as Love God pulled himself out from under the crashed balloon. He coughed the smoke out of his lungs, and saw Dipper holding the love potion. Dipper gave the cherub a challenging glare, practically daring him to try to take the potion back.

“Agh…” Love God grumbled. “Look kid, just take it, okay? Use it on whoever, for all I care. You wanna mess with people’s lives? You wanna play god? Do it. ‘Cause I’m sick of it.”

With that, Love God limped away, mumbling something about needing onion rings.

Dipper let out a relieved sigh. “Okay. Mabel, you just have to-”

“Give the stuff to Robbie,” Mabel interrupted, swiping the vial from her brother. “I know.”

“What!?” Dipper exclaimed. “No! We need to use it on you!”

“But we did all of this to get the stuff to Robbie,” Mabel countered simply. “If we don’t it’ll all be for nothing.”

“Mabel, without that you won’t be able to feel love ever again!” Dipper insisted. “You’ll never get your happily ever after!”

“I know that, you idiot,” Mabel hissed. “Thanks for reminding me. But there’s only enough for one, and I promised myself I’d help Robbie.”

“Are you serious?”

Both twins turned to the voice, and saw a confused looking Robbie staring at them both.

“How much of that did you see?” Mabel asked.

“The whole thing,” Robbie answered. “I don’t know what weird crap you got into with that fat guy, but… why?”

“Why what?”

The trio saw Wendy, Tambry, Thompson, Lee, and Nate approaching.

“‘Sup Robbie?” Lee said. “Haven’t seen you in like, a million years.”

“Dipper, what’s going on?” Wendy asked, before glaring at Robbie. “Did  _ he _ do this?”

“Hey!” Robbie exclaimed. “I didn’t-!”

“Oh my beaten up love god!” Mabel yelled, frustrated. “Would everyone just  **shut up!?!** ”

Everyone looked at the normally cheery girl, stunned.

“Here,” Mabel said as she shoved the remaining potion into Robbie’s hands. “Use it to get your soul back or whatever, before I change my mind and use it on me.”

Robbie looked at the vial, stunned. “You’re seriously giving this to me?”

“ **_Yes,_ ** ” Mabel vented. “It’ll give you feelings and junk so you can be happy.”

“But that guy said something bad would happen if you used it on me,” Robbie said.

“Some god of death will come after us,” Mabel said with a shrug. “Might not be so bad. Now do you have any more stupid questions, or are you going to use the freaking thing?”

Robbie looked at the potion. All he needed to do was...  _ drink _ the stuff(?) and he’d be able to be happy. He’d have empathy, he could really love people, and people would love him. He could actually be a… a nice person.

He looked at Mabel, and nodded. “Thanks a lot, brat. I just drink it, right?”

“Yeah, pretty mu-”

Mabel was cut off by Robbie shoved the vial into her mouth, causing her to down the potion without thinking.

Robbie stepped back as Mabel began coughing, the glass vial dropping to the ground. Mabel opened her eyes, and was confused why Robbie had done that. Still, she was grateful for his decision- She felt grateful!

‘ _ Wait, gotta make sure, _ ’ Mabel thought, picturing kittens and feeling her heart soar. ‘ _ Yes! Welcome back emotions! Mabel missed you! _ ’

Mabel did a happy little dance, and the group of teens looked at what was going on with confusion.

“I have no idea what just went down,” Nate said.

“Oh good, it’s not just me,” Thompson chimed in.

“Long story short,” Dipper said, “turns out Robbie’s an undead creature with no empathy. That potion was his one chance at becoming a decent person. And he gave up on it, for some reason.”

“You complaining, punk?” Robbie asked.

“No,” Dipper answered, “just confused. Why?”

“Could ask her the same thing,” Robbie countered, pointing to the still dancing Mabel. “... I don’t know. She was willing to go basically become me so that I could be happy. No one’s ever really done something like that for me before, so I figured- Argh!”

Out of nowhere, the Revenant doubled over and clutched his chest.

“Robbie!” the group shouted.

Everyone rushed forward, gathering around the boy as he stumbled a bit.

“I’m calling an ambulance,” Tambry said as she started dialing 911.

Robbie was thankful the usually aloof girl was so quick to react. He felt a burning in his chest that was rapidly spreading to the rest of his body, and he couldn’t breath. He didn’t know if he really  _ needed _ air, what with being undead and all, but it sure felt like he needed it. Robbie felt like his chest was about to explode open-

_ Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. _

He gasped. Suddenly, the pain was gone. His breathing came easy again, and the burning vanished. But what he felt with his hand was impossible. At least, it should have been.

“My heart,” Robbie spoke softly. “It’s beating.”

The teens looked at him, a bit unsure about what that meant, but the twins stared in shock.

“You’re heart’s working again?” Dipper asked.

“I can feel it!” Robbie said, tone elated as a smile broke out on his face. “It’s beating! It’s really beating! Ha-ha! Yes! I feel… happy! This is what being happy feels like?”

“Pretty great, right?” Mabel asked with a smile.

“It’s the best!” Robbie said, thrilled beyond belief. “Now I see why everyone likes it so much! This is amazing!”

“I am so lost,” Wendy said.

“Guys, I can feel now!” Robbie exclaimed. “I can be happy and I… I…”

Robbie trailed off as he looked at his group of friends. Memories suddenly flooded in of all the times he’d been a jerk to them, and for the first time in his life, felt truly guilty.

“Guys, I…” Robbie trailed off, before finding his words. “I’m sorry. For… a lot of things, I guess. Lee, Nate, Tambry, I… I treated you all like dirt. And Thompson, you got the worst of it, man. And Wendy…”

Robbie turned to the redhead, who was looking at him skeptically.

“I was a terrible friend,” Robbie said. “You were always there for me, and I treated you like… like a… I don’t know, but it wasn’t good. I never cared about you like you deserved, but I expected you to care about me. I didn’t listen to what you wanted, I messed with your friends to try to keep you to myself, I…”

Robbie took a deep breath, trying to stay on track.

“I messed up our friendship bad. I wish I could do it all over again. Treat all of you guys better. But I can’t. I’ve just got to do better from here. If you’ll let me try…?”

The guys looked at each other, before smiling at Robbie.

“Sure man,” Nate said, Lee and Thompson nodding along.

Tambry actually looked up from her phone and gave Robbie grin, before looking back down and updating her status to: “Hanging with Robbie who’s secretly a nice guy”

Robbie smiled back, before looking to Wendy. The redhead looked conflicted for a bit, before giving him a hesitant smile and nod.

“Does…” Robbie started. “Does this mean we’re friends again…?”

“... I don’t know if I’d go that far yet,” Wendy said. “But… we’re cool. Okay?”

Robbie smiled back. “Yeah. Cool.”

“Aw, this was great!” Mabel said as she watched the teens make up.

“So apparently Revenants’ hearts can start working on their own,” Dipper said to himself. “They just need some powerful moment to jump-start their positive feelings. On the plus side, this method probably won’t make the god of death angry at us. Actually, I wonder if Robbie is still considered undead?”

“Nerd stuff later!” Mabel said, earning a glare from Dipper. “Right now we’ve got to celebrate!”

“Well, we are at a concert,” Wendy said. “How ‘bout it, Robbie? Wanna celebrate your first night as a… real boy, or whatever?”

Robbie laughed, a  _ real _ laugh for the first time in his life. “That sounds great. Let’s party!”

 

**_… hcuM retal taht thgin…_ **

 

Mr. and Mrs. Valentino shot up from their seats in the living room as the front door to their house opened up. They saw Robbie standing in the doorway. Wordlessly, he shut the door behind him as he stepped inside. His parents stood next to each other as they stared at the boy they brought back from the dead, trying to find the right words.

“Son,” Mrs. Valentino started, “we-”

She was cut off by Robbie suddenly grabbing his parents in a hug, holding on to both of them as tears started to roll down his face. The two adults were surprised, but quickly returned the embrace.

“Mom? Dad?” Robbie asked, sniffling as he spoke. “Thanks. For everything.”

Suffice it to say, Robbie wasn’t the only one to cry that night.

 

**7-20-10   5-11-0,   15   25-0-15-18-18   14-7-0-11   24-21-8-8-15-11.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello! Welcome back everyone to the very special Valentine's Day chapter of Fighting in the- What's that? It's not Valentine's Day? Not even close? Like, several months away?
> 
> ... Frig.
> 
> Well, that aside, we have a new chapter! And it's... Robbie... focused...
> 
> ...Welp, my enthusiasm is now as dead as Robbie.
> 
> Oh yeah, about that. It's been a crack-theory for a while now that Robbie is actually a zombie. He certainly seems to fit the Journal's description of zombies better than the actual zombies that showed up in the start of Season 2. So I just kinda ran with that idea. I was originally going to have the Robbie's-a-Revenant reveal come after Weirdmageddon, but then I remembered that I needed Robbie to be on good terms with everyone before then for the zodiac thing, and so I put it here and combined it with the premise of the Love God episode to give you what you just read. So that resulted in me technically doing an episode I was initially going to skip over. I guess it's up to you all to decide if that's a good thing or not.
> 
> But how about Robbie, eh? I'll be honest, I didn't like the "redemption" he got in-show. I mean, he was mind controlling Wendy to get her to date him. That's seriously messed up. And then, what? He just gets drugged with magic love stuff and we're supposed to like him now? WE'RE FIXING THIS PROBLEM WITH MORE MIND CONTROL INDUCED DATING!?!?! Yeah, no. But fortunately, I set things up so Robbie never brainwashed Wendy, and made the solution to Robbie's redemption not be simply magic-ing him into a better person. Hopefully this actually is a better redemption than what we originally had, and not just me deluding myself into thinking I'm some sort of writing genius despite having no original works to my name and being too young to actually have a career in this field yet and thus having little ways of knowing if I'm actually any good or if I'm just some pretensions moron who consistently talks out of my butt.
> 
> ... I'm not crying, you are...
> 
> ... On a less depressing note, did anyone check out that image of Zald I mentioned before the chapter? If you haven't you should, my editor is a pretty great artist. Web address in the notes at the start. Is there any way to put an actual working link in these notes? I've got no idea, so if you do, let me know.
> 
> Though, speaking of things that come before the chapter, this is something I've been wondering for a while. Does anyone notice the chapter titles? I don't often refer to them, and I don't think I've ever gotten a single comment about them, but I'm very proud of this one in particular. Wait, am I proud of it, or do I just like overused memes? I think the answer is "yes".
> 
> Anyway, I think that about covers everything here. Next up is the long awaited episode, Northwest Mansion Mystery. That one will be a lot of fun, for me and hopefully for you too. But until then, remember to leave any likes, dislikes, or questions you have about the story in the comments below. Or just whatever. It's fun seeing what you guys have to say. But with that said, I have been some loser in a fedora. Thank you for reading, and have a great day.


	24. What's New, Scooby Doo?

Thunder boomed through the darkened skies above the Northwest family manor. Inside, various butlers hurried around, setting tables and cleaning the house up. Preston Northwest monitored the progress made by the help, and Priscilla Northwest looked over the guest list.

“Preston,” the rich woman said to her husband, “I must say, the guest list for this year’s party has so much diversity!”

“Yes,” Preston agreed, “a nice mix of millionaires and billionaires.”

The rich man watched his servants, eyes widening at the sight of what one was doing.

“Put the oyster fork at an angle!” Preston rebuked as he swatted the butler’s had with his rolled up newspaper. “We’re not animals, man.”

“Now where the devil is-?” Priscilla started, before seeing her daughter walk in. “Pacifica! What did I tell you about that dress? The theme is sea foam green, not lake foam green! Go change!”

“But, I-I kinda like it,” Pacifica stammered.

“Mind your mother, Pacifica,” Preston said sternly.

“But-”

Preston suddenly rang a small bell, and the man gave his daughter a warning glare.

Pacifica straightened up immediately, looking down shamefully. “Yes, father…”

Preston nodded, and looked back to the party preparations underway. What he saw was not what he expected. The ground shook as the silverware, dishes, and candles began floating off the table. With and immediate snap, the objects flew around the room, zipping right at whoever was closest.

“Oh no!” Preston exclaimed. “It’s...  **happening.** ”

The Northwests all ducked under the long dining room table as several of the objects went at them.

“This is a disaster!” Priscilla cried. “The party’s in just 24 hours!”

“Surely there’s someone who can handle this sort of nonsense!”

Pacifica flinched as several knives impaled themselves in the table above her, before her eyes widened.

“I think I know someone,” she said.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht kcahS…_ **

 

“You asked for it, you got it!” the TV announcer said. “An entire forty-eight hour marathon of Ghost Harassers on the ‘Used to Be About History Channel!’”

‘ _ There are worse ways to spend two days, _ ’ Dipper thought with a shrug as he settled into the recliner.

“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news!” Toby Determined’s voice came on over the television.

‘ _ Typical… _ ’ Dipper thought with a frown.

“It’s starting!” Mabel cheered as she ran into the living room and jumped on on of the recliner’s armrests.

“Turn it up!” Candy cried as she jumped on the other armrest.

“Make room for Grenda!” the deep voiced girl said as she jumped on the chair, blocking everyone’s view, breaking a lamp, and crushing Dipper’s legs.

“Well tonight’s the night, but I’ve been out here for days!” a tattered and filthy Toby told the camera. “The Northwest family’s annual high-society-shindig-ball-soiree is here! And even though common folk aren’t let in, that doesn’t stop us from camping out for a peek at the fanciness!”

The girls oooooooooh’ed at the mention of the party, all moving to sit on the floor as they watched with rapt attention.

“Can someone please explain why people care about this?” Dipper asked, shaking the pain out of his legs.

“It’s pretty much the best party of all time,” Grenda explained. “Rich food, richer boys!”

“They say each gift basket has a live quail inside!” Mabel said.

Candy rested her hand on the TV longingly. “Give me your life, Pacifica…”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “Right, a party with Pacifica. That sounds like  _ so _ much fun…”

“Oh, come on, Bro!” Mabel said. “Pacifica’s not that bad, once you get to know her. And are you seriously telling me you’d say no to all that free, expensive food?”

Dipper was about to counter, before sighing and shrugging. “Okay, you got me there.”

What could he say? Free food was the best kind of food.

As the girls watched the TV, there was a knock on the door. Dipper, know full well none of them would leave the sight of the “fanciness”, got up and moved to the front door to answer it.

He certainly hadn’t expected Pacifica Northwest of all people to be there.

“I need your help,” the blonde said, making sure her scarf was secured over her head and shades over her eyes.

Dipper blinked. “... Am I being pranked?”

“I wouldn’t be here in this hovel if I wasn’t serious!” Pacifica hissed as she looked around to make sure no random person was watching her.

Dipper chuckled a bit at that. “You must really be screwed, huh? Let me guess, some supernatural whatever is going to mess up your big party, right? That’s the only thing I can think of that’d bring you down here.”

“You don’t have to sound so smug,” Pacifica snapped, before taking a calming breath. “Look, there’s something haunting Northwest Mansion, and we’re short on time and options. Just name your price, okay? I’ll give you anything!”

“Hi, Pacifica!” Mabel greeted as she suddenly yanked her brother off to the side. “Excuse us for a sec!”

“The heck, Mabel?” Dipper grumble when they were out of earshot from the blonde.

“Dipper, don’t you see what this means?” Mabel asked. “If you help Pacifica, you could get us invites to the greatest party of all time!”

“What?” Dipper asked.

“It’s Candy and Grenda’s dream!” Mabel insisted. “ _ And there’s gonna be free food~! _ ”

‘ _ Dang it, my one weakness, _ ’ Dipper thought. “Fine.”

Dipper walked back to the front door, and Pacifica gave him an impatient look.

“Well?” she asked.

“I’ll bust your ghost,” Dipper said. “But, in exchange, I’ll need four tickets to the party, plus cash payment.”

“Seriously!?” Pacifica exclaimed.

“You said anything,” Dipper countered. “How much do you want that ghost gone?”

A strange, pained noise made its way out of Pacifica’s throat, before she nodded. “You’re lucky I’m desperate. How much do you want? Two? Three?”

Dipper thought he’d try to push his luck. “Six.”

“Fine,” Pacifica said. “You’ll get you tickets now, and your six thousand when the ghost is gone.”

Dipper struggled to maintain a straight face. ‘ _ Th-THOUSAND!?!?! I thought she was talking hundreds!!! _ ’

The two heard various cheers coming from the girls in the Shack.

“Grenda, get the glue gun,” Mabel declared. “We’re making dresses!”

Pacifica groaned, already regretting the decision.

 

**_… reatL taht thgin, ta eht tsewhtroN noisnaM…_ **

 

“Welcome to Northwest Manor, dorks,” as the front door opened for the children. “Try not to touch anything.”

Mabel, Candy, and Grenda all marveled at the pristine manor before them. Even Dipper begrudgingly had to admit the house was very impressive.

The girls walked around, taking in the pure fanciness that surrounded them. Mabel had on a pink, fluffy dress that looked pretty good considering it was home-made earlier that day. Candy and Grenda were in simpler, but still stylish dresses, turquoise and gold respectively, Dipper however, was in his typical shorts, workout shirt, and letterman. Trying to get him in a suit was like trying to get a cat in a bath, so Mabel hadn’t even bothered.

“Everything’s so fancy!” Mabel said in awe. “Fancy floors, fancy plants, fancy man!”

Mabel began rubbing her hands on the fancy butler’s face, reveling in the fanciness of it all.

“Very good miss,” the butler said.

“The rumors were true!” Candy said as a quail and three chicks flew out of a gift bag.

“Ah, if it isn’t the man of the hour!” Preston greeted Dipper. “Hopefully you can help us with our little... situation, before the guests arrive in an hour.”

“You can count on us, Mr. Northwest Sir!” Mabel cheered as she jumped in, wrapping her arm around her brother’s shoulders.

“ _ You’re _ going to be helping?” Preston asked, looking with disdain at the girl who challenged his daughter multiple times. “Really?”

“Yeah, really?” Dipper asked. “Weren’t you super excited to hang out with Candy and Grenda?”

“I figured you could use all the help you could get,” Mabel said. “I can enjoy the party after we’re done.”

Dipper shrugged. “Looks like you’ve got two ghostbusters.”

“Splendid!” Preston said. “Pacifica, take our guests to the ‘problem room’ and, uh... he’s not wearing that, is he?”

Those present looked at Dipper’s usual attire, not pleasing the boy in the least.

“ **No one. Touches. The jacket.** ”

“Either you wear something more presentable, or you don’t get paid,” Pacifica threatened.

Mabel gave him a look, and the boy relented.

“Fine,” Dipper said. “But if anything happens to this, the rate doubles.”

“Whatever,” Pacifica said with an eye roll. “C’mon.”

With that, the three kids walked down a hall, with Preston giving the twins a distasteful look.

 

**_… enO gnihtolc egnahc retal…_ **

 

Pacifica tapped her foot impatiently as Mabel did some quick shadow boxing to warm herself up. Fortunately, she’d designed her dress to be loose enough that she could move freely without having to worry too much about ripping it.

Pacifica gave Mabel a strange look. “... You know we’re after a ghost, right? What are you gonna do, punch it to death?”

Mabel shrugged, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Maybe? That’s what Dipper did to the last ghosts we ran into.”

Pacifica rolled her eyes. “Very funny.”

“What’s funny is you think I’m kidding,” Mabel said with a wide smile as she went back to throwing punches.

Before Pacifica could even come up with a response to that, Dipper finally emerged from the dressing room, wearing a nice suit on loan from the Northwests. The boy tugged at his poorly done bowtie, eventually undoing it as he took a breath.

“Ugh, it’s like this collar is strangling me…” Dipper griped. “Who do you guys think you’re impressing with this stuff?”

“Um,  _ everyone _ ,” Pacifica said with an eye roll as she fixed Dipper’s tie. “You wouldn’t understand. High standards are what make the Northwest family great.”

Dipper bit back a response about Nathaniel Northwest. They were on better terms with the rich girl, no need to stir up trouble. Especially when Dipper was going to get paid.

“There,” Pacifica said, backing off from the tie. “Now come on. We need to go to the Trophy Room. That’s where things have been happening the most.”

The twins followed shortly behind the blonde as she led them to the room in question. Mabel ooh’ed and aah’ed at the various hall decor, while Dipper simply looked unimpressed.

‘ _ So much money, _ ’ Dipper thought, shaking his head, ‘ _ and they waste it on random paintings and suits of armor no one will ever wear. Hope for their sake they don’t get a house fire, or half their fortune would be gone like that. _ ’

Pacifica took a breath as she pushed open the doors to the haunted room. Mabel squealed and darted in.

“ _ Ohmygosh! _ ” Mabel cried with a wide grin as she looked at the walls. “When you said Trophy Room I thought you meant like, mini-golf trophies or something! Not adorable critters!”

Dipper watched with a raised eyebrow as his sister darted around, gazing wide-eyed at the numerous taxidermy animal heads mounted on the walls.

“... I can’t tell if that’s adorably optimistic,” Dipper stated, “or just creepy.”

Mabel stuck her tongue out at her wet blanket of a brother, before looking back to the creature heads.

“Well, this  _ does _ look like the kind of room that would be haunted,” Dipper said, noting that the burning fireplace was the dark room’s only light source as he pulled out Journal 3. “You said all the ghost has done was throw plates and stuff like that around, right?”

“Yeah,” Pacifica nodded, eyeing the Journal.

“Okay,” Dipper nodded. “Ghosts fall on a 10-Category scale. From what you say, sounds like we’re dealing with a Category 1.”

“So what?” Pacifica asked. “Are you gonna bore him back into the afterlife by reading from this book?”

Dipper shot the rich girl a glare and pulled out a vial of water. “We just have to splash it with some anointed water, and he should be out of your probably-fake blonde hair.”

Pacifica’s lower eyelid twitched. “ **What was that about my hair?** ”

“Shouldn’t have talked smack about his nerd book…” Mabel said happily as she looked at the animal heads.

“Shh!” Dipper hushed, pulling out an PKE meter that was beeping. “I’m picking something up.”

The boy walked further into the room, trying to figure out where the signal was coming from. The signal disappeared when he got in front of the fireplace. Dipper looked around, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The fire was normal, and the painting of the lumberjack hanging above the fireplace wasn’t looking at him, or anything. Dipper looked back at the PKE and whacked it a few times. The signal came back, and Dipper nodded, looking back up to see where it was leading.

His face paled when he saw the lumberjack painting, now missing its lumberjack.

“...  _ Thaaaaaaaat’s _ a problem,” Dipper said.

“Uh, guys?”

Dipper and Pacifica turned to Mabel, and saw what the girl was backing away from.

Namely, the animal heads’ eyes were glowing, and their eyes and mouths were gushing blood.

“The animals aren’t very friendly anymore!” Mabel cried as she stood back with the other two.

The trio jumped back as the fire suddenly erupted from the fireplace, flames reaching the ceiling.

“ **ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS. ANCIENT SINS,** ” the animal heads began chanting.

As the taxidermy animals intoned in their demonic voice, furniture began flying around the room, and swirling thunderclouds began forming around the chandelier.

“Dipper, what is this?!” Pacifica shouted.

The boy looked at the chaos unfolding, and his fists clenched unconsciously.

“It’s a Category 10,” Dipper said, looking around the room in fear.

The boy suddenly hissed as the water in his hands became boiling hot. He saw bubbles forming in the water, and quickly chucked the vial away.

“Watch out!” he shouted as he put himself between the bottle and the girls.

Before it hit the ground, the vial exploded, showering glass shards everywhere.

“ **ANCIENT BLOOD AND BLACKENED SKIES. THE FOREST DARK SHALL ONCE MORE RISE.** ”

“What do we do, what do we do?!” Pacifica cried to the twins.

Before either could answer, two giant, black, skeletal arms emerged from the fire, pulling out a skeleton with an axe embedded in in its skull.

“Hide!” Mabel yelled as she yanked them all under a table.

The looked out from their hiding spot and saw flesh and clothing forming around the spectral skeleton. The ghost ripped the axe out of its head, and fire wrapped around the weapon, morphing it into a double-sided executioner’s axe. The blade fell to the ground, breaking the wooden floor into a patch of splinters. The phantom growled as a light lit in one of its hollowed eyes, and a beard made of blue flames.

“ **I smell... A NORTHWEST!** ” the ghost bellowed as he began slowly pacing the room. “ **Come out, come out, wherever you are!** ”

Pacifica gulped as she saw the axe being dragged through the floorboards, suddenly feeling like accompanying the ghost mercenaries on their job  _ might  _ not have been the best idea. 

“Hurry!” the blonde whispered at Dipper, trying not to freak out. “Read through your dumb book already!”

“I’m looking!” the boy whispered back as he flipped to the page on Category 10s. “And maybe don’t insult the book that’s gonna save our…”

Dipper trailed off as the black light revealed the advice given for dealing with their current problem.

“PRAY FOR MERCY!”

“... Okay,” Dipper said, “now you can insult the book.”

Suddenly, the table above them floated up and aside, revealing the trio. The ghost turned around, glaring at the kids.

“ **YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE COME HERE!** ” the phantom roared as he swung down his axe.

The kids tumbled out of the way just in time. The spot they had been just moments before was crushed into a pile of splinters. Dipper looked up at the ghost, who was pulling back his axe for another swing.

‘ _ Guess we’re doing things the old-fashioned way, then! _ ’ the boy thought. “Mabel, the eyes!”

In an instant, Mabel grabbed a busted piece of wood and chucked it right at the ghost’s face. The spirit flinched, raising his arms to shield his face. It wasn’t until the plank passed harmlessly through his head that he remembered that he was a ghost. He opened his eye again, and saw that Dipper was right next to him, having capitalized on his instinctive reaction. With a cry, Dipper through a powerful punch at the ghost.

Or at least, it would’ve been powerful.

If it hadn’t gone right through the ghost.

The spirit laughed. “ **You think you can fight a phantom, boy? Hah!** ”

Dipper jumped back, narrowly avoiding the swing of the ghost’s axe.

“What are you waiting for, Bro!?” Mabel shouted. “Do the thing you did last time!”

“ _ I’m trying! _ ” Dipper yelled back.

In retrospect, relying on being able to do what he did back at the Dusk 2 Dawn probably hadn’t been the best back up plan. Dipper still wasn’t even sure what he’d done back then, and he had no idea how to do it now. He’d hoped he’d just be able to touch the ghost, but apparently he wasn’t that lucky.

“Who are you!?” the boy shouted. “What do you want!?”

“ **Who am I?** ” the ghost responded, amused that the boy even bothered to ask. “ **I am Archibald Corduroy, and I’m here to punish the Northwests for their sins!** ”

Dipper jumped out of the way of another swing. The ghost was dangerous, for certain, but he wielded his executioner’s axe like a complete novice. Clearly not much of a fighter. But that wasn’t the main thing on Dipper’s mind.

“Wait, Corduroy!?” the boy exclaimed. “Hold on, I’m friends with Wendy Corduroy, one of your descendants!”

“ **Really?** ” Archibald asked, momentarily calm before his anger surged back. “ **My descendant is friends with a Northwest lapdog?! Clearly she needs better friends!** ”

Dipper did a back handspring to avoid a horizontal swipe of the axe.

“Well, it was worth a shot,” Dipper said, before turning to the girls. “Run!”

The trio darted out of the room, the ghost howling behind them.

“This way!” Pacifica ushered down a hall. “Hurry! Through the garden! Watch out for peacocks!”

The kids dodged around said animals as they stomped through the mud. Dipper looked through the various notes on higher-level ghosts, searching for a hail mary as they heard the ghost crashing through the halls behind them. After flipping through a few pages, he got the miracle he was looking for.

“I got it!” Dipper shouted as they ran back inside and down another hallway. “Haunted paintings can only be trapped in a silver mirror- Look! There’s a silver mirror right there!”

The three looked ahead, and indeed saw just what they needed. However, Pacifica’s eyes widened as she realized what room it was.

“Wait!” she cried as she grabbed the twins by their collars, the group skidding to a stop. “Don’t go in there! This room has my parents’ favorite carpet pattern! They’ll lose it if we track mud in there!”

“What?” Dipper asked, looking down to see that their shoes did in fact have mud on them from the garden. “Are you serious?!”

“Pacifica, we need that mirror!” Mabel cried.

“We’ll find another way!” Pacifica insisted, practically hearing her father’s bell ringing in her ears at the mere thought of going into the room.

The trio flinched at the sound of the ghost’s laughter echoing from outside.

“Pacifica, we don’t have time for this!” Dipper insisted.

“No,” the blonde cried, “my parents will kill me!”

“Why are you so afraid of your parents?” Mabel asked with concern. “There’s a literal killer ghost on our tails! What could they do that’s worse than what he’ll do?”

“You wouldn’t understand!” Pacifica exclaimed, freaking out more than ever.

Fed up with this, Dipper tried forcing his way past her. But with ferocity that surprised even Pacifica, the blonde pushed the boy to the side. Panicked by his sudden loss of footing, he reflexively reached out and grabbed Pacifica’s extended arms. The blonde not strong enough to catch them both, the two tumbled back into a wall mounted painting of a skeletal king. The image ripped, and the two tumbled back into what should have been a solid wall. The torn flap fell back into place, leaving the painting seemingly untouched.

“Dipper!” Mabel called. “Pacifica!”

Mabel heard the ghostly laughter growing closer, and thinking fast, she jumped into the painting as well. As soon as the flap settled again, the ghostly Corduroy rounded the corner and flew down the hall, passing the concealing painting as he chased down where he thought his prey had fled.

“Ahh…” Dipper grumbled. “Hey Pacifica?”

“Yeah?” the blonde responded as she got her hair out of her eyes.

“GET OFF ME.”

Pacifica let out a startled “Eep!” as she realized she fallen on Dipper, and the boy was none too happy about it. The blonde shot up to her feet, and Dipper slowly rose himself.

“Well,” Dipper said as he stood up, “we aren’t dead yet, but if you keep trying you could probably manage to off at least one of us next time.”

“Shut up,” Pacifica bit back.

“What is this place?” Mabel asked, interrupting the bickering as she looked around.

That got Pacifica’s attention, and she took in the dusty attic-like surroundings. “That’s weird. I don’t even know where this room is.”

“Hopefully the ghost doesn’t either,” Dipper said as he began looking around for something that could help.

The boy saw various boxes, each with thick layers of dust on it. Whatever this place was, with its sheet-covered paintings and-

That sheet had a face.

“Pacifica, watch out!” Dipper shouted.

Pacifica screamed as she turned and saw the sheet coming alive behind her. She ran away as the sheet fell away, revealing the lumberjack phantom.

“ **YOUR FATE IS SEALED!** ” the ghost roared as it chased the blonde.

While Pacifica ran, Mabel darted up to her, trying to get between her and the vengeful spirit. In Mabel’s haste, she knocked over a box. The contents spilled out, revealing silverware, serving dishes, and-

‘ _ A silver hand mirror! _ ’ Dipper thought.

Instantly, the boy ran forward and swiped the mirror in a single clean motion.

“Mabel!” he shouted. “Catch!”

Without thinking, Dipper threw the hand mirror at his sister. She grinned, catching the reflector just as she slid in front of the ghost’s swinging axe. The spectral weapon collided with the raised mirror, and a blinding flash enveloped the room.

A loud crash could be heard in one of the many Northwest gardens as a curtain-covered mass shot through a first story window. The mass tumbled past the shattered glass and down the hill. It finally came to a stop at the bottom, and after a moment Pacifica’s head shot out from the curtains, Mabel’s following soon after.

“Did you get him?” Pacifica asked, eyes darting around incase the raging spirit came at them again.

Mabel held up the hand mirror, and smiled when she saw something in it that definitely wasn’t her reflection.

“ **NO!** ” the ghost shouted from within the mirror as he banged on his confinements. “ **FREE ME!** ”

The girls began laughing, the rush of victory strong in their veins. Overcome with relief at no longer being in danger, Pacifica grabbed Mabel in a hug.

A second passed, both girls wide-eyed at the act.

Pacifica immediately pulled back, and let out an awkward cough. “... I’ll give you an extra hundred to not tell anyone about that. Especially your brother.”

“Too late,” Dipper said, poking his head out of the broken window. “Totally saw it.”

Pacifica let out a groan, hoping she could bribe Dipper into letting it go.

She would not be successful.

 

**3-14-21-11-2-11-24   13-21-0   25-15-19-22-18-11   22-18-7-20   0-21   19-7-17-11   7   25-9-21-21-8-5   10-21-21   0-14-11-19-11   25-21-20-13   10-11-25-11-24-2-11-25   7-20   7-3-7-24-10.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy early-Turkey Day, everyone!
> 
> So we're back, with Northwest Mansion Mystery. This chapter was actually pretty fun to write. I'd originally wanted to get the whole episode in a single chapter, like I've been managing for the past few chapters, but that didn't work out, sadly. But we still have some good stuff here. Mabel is actually involved in catching the ghost this time, which I thought was how the show should've gone, honestly. Pacifica had always bounced off of Mabel, their dynamic was what a lot of people (myself included) liked about Pacifica episodes. To suddenly swap to Dipper and Pacifica bonding was... weird. Especially considering Dipper seemed to make more headway with her than Mabel did. Pretty sure this was done to set up a Dipcifica endgame, but even then, I think it wasn't done very gracefully. So, we have this take instead. Guess you all will determine if it's any better.
> 
> Oh yeah, and I didn't just hand-wave Mabel's inclusion, either! Remember a few chapters back when she decided to give dating a break for a while? Well, if she's not super interested in flirting with rich dudes, then she has less of an excuse for letting Dipper do all the hard work with the ghost-busting. Ergo, more Mabel. Yes, that detail WAS specifically thrown in solely so that I'd have an excuse to include her more in the important stuff here. Also character growth and crap. One of the issues with Mabel in the actual shown is that she rarely ever learned any lessons, so I'm trying to give her some more moments of maturity.
> 
> And for anyone wondering, I wasn't just making crap up with the ghost being a distant deceased relative of Wendy's. Canonically, the ghost is a Corduroy. A picture of him with the name "Archibald" was apparently seen in Wendy's house, so it's legit. Doesn't amount to much in terms of plot, but it's fun to note.
> 
> And... I think that's it for now. "For now" being a while, actually. Yep, we're reaching that time in the semester again when finals are approaching, faster in some classes than others. I need to go on a break from writing to make sure I do good in my classes. So sadly, another hiatus. The next chapter upload will probably be somewhere mid-to-late December. I've already started on the next chapter, so that one might get released sooner if I get some time to work on it, but consistent uploads won't be back for about a month. Sorry about that.
> 
> But with all of that said, remember to leave any likes, dislikes, and questions about this story you may have in the comments. To all my U.S. readers, have a happy Thanksgiving. And to everyone else, you also have a great next month.
> 
> See you before Christmas (hopefully), Loser With Fedora.


	25. It's Terror Time Again

“I take it our ghost problem is handled?” Dipper asked, walking over to the girls.

“Super handled!” Mabel said with a giggle, carefully giving the hand mirror to her brother.

“What’s going on out here?” came the voice of Preston as he and Priscilla entered the garden. “ _ If it’s that hillbilly again, I swear to… _ ”

“Dad!” Pacifica called out, waving him over excitedly. “We got it! We got the ghost!”

“Oh?” Preston asked, before smiling. “Fantastic! And not a moment too soon. We really found the right man for the job.”

Preston snapped his fingers, and a butler came forward and shook Dipper’s hand.

“We can’t thank you enough,” Priscilla said, before looking at the butler. “... That’s enough.”

The butler immediately stopped, moving back. Dipper shot the adults a look.

“Thanks…” Dipper said. “But Mabel helped a lot too. In fact, she’s kind of the reason your daughter is still alive.”

“Hm? Oh yes,” Preston said with a shrug. “Thank the girl too.”

The butler gave Mabel a quick head-pat, before backing off.

‘ _ Get the feeling they don’t like Mabel much, _ ’ Dipper thought, annoyed as he turned to leave.

“Wait, leaving already?” Pacifica asked, sounding disappointed. “You’re at the world’s best party, dummy.”

“Sorry,” Dipper said as he wandered off, “but I’ve got a Category 10 ghost to dispose of. I’ll see you after this thing’s gone for good.”

“Don’t worry Pacifica!” Mabel said with a grin. “You can hang with me and my friends! Won’t that be fun?”

Pacifica let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Yeah… fun…”

Dipper smirked as the group went back inside and he walked off. “Okay, maybe she isn’t so bad.”

The boy quirked an eyebrow when he heard a deep laugh coming from the mirror. He held up the makeshift prison, and looked at the captive spirit.

“What’s so funny, Archie?” Dipper asked.

“ **You’ve been had, boy,** ” the ghost said. “ **You remind me of me a hundred and fifty years ago.** ”

Dipper’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

“ **One hundred and fifty years ago this day,** ” the phantom began, “ **the Northwests asked us lumber-folk to build them a mansion atop the hill. We were told t’would be a service to the town, that once a year they would throw a grand party, and all would share in the bounty. It took years of backbreaking labor and sacrifice, but when it was time for the grand party they promised the common folk of the town, they refused to let us in. And with the trees gone, the mudslides began. While they partied and laughed, I was swept away by the storm!** ”

The ghost rubbed the crack in his head where his axe had been, and Dipper had a very good idea what caused old Archibald’s death.

“ **And so I said with final breath, ‘One-fifty years I’ll return from death, and if the gate’s still closed to town, wealthy blood will stain the ground!’ A curse passed down through their family until this day.** ”

Dipper’s teeth ground together. He shoved the mirror into his back pocket, and turned back to the mansion.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ta eht ytrap…_ **

 

“Thank you so much for coming, Mayor Befufftlefumpter,” Preston said with a smile and nod to the somehow still living mayor. “As a sign of our respect, please take this chimp servant.”

Preston gestured to a nearby chimpanzee dressed in a butler’s uniform.

“Keep him away from bright lights,” Preston cautioned. “He gets... grabby.”

Pacifica, meanwhile, was trying really hard not to get involved with the fight Mabel was trying to break up.

“Okay, okay!” Mabel said, pushing her two friends apart. “Grenda, what did Candy do that made you so mad, exactly?”

“We both agreed not to flirt with that Marius guy because he’s out of our league!” Grenda exclaimed. “But then she went behind my back and did it!”

Pacifica groaned. She was probably going to have to apologize for that.

“Grenda’s flirting is too aggressive!” Candy countered. “I could not get any guys with her around! When she saw Marius, she flicked him in the face!”

“You WHAT!?!” Pacifica exclaimed. “YOU FLICKED THE PRINCE OF AUSTRIA IN THE FACE!?! What is wrong with you!? Forget making him hate the party, you could’ve caused an international incident! At my family’s party!”

“You’re an international incident!” Grenda fired back.

“Mabel, why is she here?” Candy asked, fed up.

“In case you losers forgot, it’s MY family’s party,” Pacifica hissed back. “Why are YOU here?”

“Girls, come on!” Mabel said. “It’s a party, we’re here to have fun.”

“Tell that to this traitor!” Grenda huffed before storming off.

“I am angry also!” Candy declared, going the other way.

“... And suddenly I’m glad I decided to give dating a break…” Mabel sighed, before looking to Pacifica. “You were just exaggerating about that whole ‘international incident’ thing, right?”

“I wish…” Pacifica groaned. “I need to get one of the butlers to put extra quails in Prince Marius’ gift bag…”

“Northwests!”

The girls turned, and saw Dipper walking into the main foyer toward Preston.

“Dipper, you came back!” Pacifica said as she ran over to the boy.

The blonde’s approach was stalled when the boy gave her an ice cold glare.

“Really?” Dipper asked. “We’re still doing this ‘friends’ charade?”

“What’s wrong, Bro?” Mabel asked as she jogged up.

Dipper turned his glare back to Preston. “You all lied. All you had to do was let the townsfolk into the party and you could’ve broken the curse, no problem. But you made us do your dirty work instead.”

Preston glared down at the boy, meeting the iron stare with one of his own.

“Look at who you’re talking to, boy,” Preston said with a threatening edge as he leant forward. “I’m hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they’d come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?”

“‘My kind?’” Dipper asked. “So that’s how it is, huh?”

“My dear foolish child,” Preston said with a chuckle. “That’s how it’s always been. And that’s how it will always be. Your kind only serve to do the menial jobs that are beneath those of us at a higher standing. You’ll figure it out some day.”

“Uh huh,” Dipper said, scowl intensifying. “So you really think you’re all that, eh? Newsflash Northwest: it doesn’t matter how blue your blood is, you bleed just like the rest of us.”

“A neanderthalic threat?” Preston scoffed. “Please. You should know you’d never get away with so much as breathing on me.”

“Me? Sure,” Dipper said. “But I wonder what would happen if I just so happened to drop an old mirror I found earlier? See how many lawyers it’d take to save you from that. I’d bet it’d be more than even you could afford.”

Preston actually laughed at that. “Oh please, you honestly think I would fall for that bluff? You’re the ‘valiant hero’, come to save a party full of bystanders from a villainous ghost, remember? Pacifica told us enough about you and your sister to know you’d never risk so many people just for some payback, as much as you may wish you had the spine to.”

Dipper’s look became downright murderous as he turned to Pacifica.

“And here I was starting to think you were a decent person,” he snarled. “Guess the rotten apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree after all.”

“I’m sorry, they made me!” Pacifica insisted. “I should’ve told you, but-!”

Pacifica’s words were cut off by the sound of Preston ringing his personal bell. Pacifica felt herself reflexively straighten up, hands clasped at her front as she looked away in shame.

“Enjoy the party!” Preston said, his front-page smile on his face. “It’s the last time you and your kind will ever come. Oh, and thanks to that adorable attempt at a threat, you won’t be getting paid for your services.”

Dipper glared and turned, storming off. A waiter chimp approached him with a platter of mini foods, but the animal server was stopped by Preston.

“No no!” the wealthy man called to the ape. “Those aren’t for him.”

Pacifica felt her face burning with a mixture of anger, shame, and various other unpleasant feelings as the boy walked off. She looked to Mabel, and saw the brunette giving her a disappointed stare. After a moment of silence, Mabel walked off.

“Hey, Bro!” the girl called after her twin. “Need any help exorcising that lumber-ghost?”

With that, Pacifica’s only two friends left the mansion, with no intention of returning.

 

**_… retaL, edistuo eht noisnam…_ **

 

“You know Mabel,” Dipper said to his sister as he set up the mirror for the exorcism, “I appreciate you backing me up there, but you could’ve stayed. You were the one that was looking forward to the party, and this really isn’t a two person job.”

“Nah,” Mabel said with a dismissive wave. “It was a huge letdown. Candy and Grenda were fighting over some guy, and… well, the whole Pacifica thing.”

Dipper sighed. “Yeah. And I was actually thinking she was maybe nicer than I’d thought.”

“Maybe she is,” Mabel said. “She said her parents made her lie to us, before her dad did that… thing with the bell. That was weird, wasn’t it?”

“... Yeah,” Dipper responded. “I noticed that. It’s like her parents… have something on her, or something. I don’t know, but it was… creepy.”

The two twins fell into an awkward silence. Sure, Pacifica’s situation may be…  _ complicated _ , but that didn’t change the fact that she still lied to them. It made it difficult for them to really know what Pacifica wanted. Still, Dipper had an exorcism to do.

“‘Exodus demonus,’” the boy read aloud, “‘spookus scarus, aintafraidus noghostus-’”

“ **Children, children!** ” the ghost pleaded. “ **Please let me get my vengeance on the Northwests! You both hate them as much as I.** ”

“Sorry, Archie,” Dipper said. “But as much as it makes me want to throw up saying this, Northwest was right. No way I’m letting you wreak havoc on all those innocent partygoers just to spite that stupid family.”

“And some of my friends are in there,” Mabel chimed in. “So no way, Jose.”

“ **... Very well,** ” the ghost relented. “ **Then... before you banish my soul, may these tired lumber eyes gaze upon the trees one final time?** ”

“What?” Dipper said. “No, why would I-?”

“Dipper, come on,” Mabel said with a look. “You’re about to ghost the ghost. At least we can give him that.”

Dipper sighed. “... Fine.”

The boy twirled the mirror around, giving the trapped spirit a perfect view of the forest.

“Go nuts, Archie.”

In hindsight, that had been a poor choice of words.

Archibald laughed madly as the sight of the pines filled him with power. His spectral rage burn brighter, turning the silver of the mirror red hot. Dipper hissed, releasing the mirror on reflex. The prison fell to the ground, and the glass shattered into a bunch of tiny pieces.

“ **Yes!** ” the ghost cried as he escaped his reflective cage. “ **VENGEANCE!** ”

The Mabel watched in horror as the phantom flew back to the mansion. Dipper grimaced as he held his aching hand and turned to his sister.

“For the record,” he said, “I blame you.”

The twins ran back up to the mansion, rain starting to fall and lightning arcing in the sky. When the two made it, they threw open the doors to a horrific sight. Various taxidermy animals were chasing the guests, who were in turn getting blasted by the ghost. Anyone hit by the ghostly beams were turned to wooden statues of themselves. The main room was quickly filling with the wooden figures of celebrities, politicians, and an arguing Candy and Grenda.

And the guy right in front of them.

“Please!” the man begged as the wood paralysis shot up his neck. “Help m-!”

And just like that, the man was a statue, look of mortal terror frozen on his face.

“Well,” Mabel said, “I’m scarred for life.”

Dipper growled, and looked up at the floating phantom as he cackled maniacally.

“ **JUST ONE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR FATES!** ” the ghost bellowed. “ **A NORTHWEST MUST OPEN THE PARTY GATES!** ”

“... Northwest opening the gates…?” Mabel said, the gears turning in her head.

Dipper meanwhile, decided to screw analyzing cryptic riddles for how to banish the ghost, and and made his new plan to just mess the phantom up. He darted for a silver, perfectly polished serving plate to trap the ghost again. Unfortunately, Archie saw the boy running, and instantly shot a beam at the boy.

And doubly unfortunate, it hit dead on.

“Ah!” Dipper exclaimed, panicking as his body turned to a statue. “Ah-AA **AHHHHHH-!** ”

Mabel watched with stunned horror as her brother turned into an overpriced wood figurine, in a pose that was uncomfortably familiar.

‘ _ I need to find Pacifica! _ ’ Mabel thought as she dashed off down a side hall.

The ghost didn’t even notice the girl running off, too busy basking in his glorious vengeance. As his dark laugh echoed in the increasingly wooded hall, he-

“ **What?** ”

The ghost looked back to the statue of Dipper, and gazed at it curiously. He felt something…  _ off _ about the petrified boy, something he couldn’t place. It was enough to make the specter feel on edge, at least until he could pinpoint the source of this bizarre sensation. It didn’t take long for him to figure out what was happening. A bright red flash enveloped his vision, and when it cleared, he saw something unbelievable.

An un-petrified Dipper glaring at him with  **furious** red eyes.

“AAAAAAAARRRGHH!!!”

With a guttural roar, Dipper ran at the ghost. The lumber phantom, confused by the boy’s sudden mobility, shot him with the wood-transformation beams again. Dipper took the spectral energy head on, and when the attack subsided, he was still charging, undeterred.

“ **Impossible!** ” Archibald exclaimed.

When Dipper was close enough, he launched himself up into the air at the ghost. The fiery specter of death thought that the boy must’ve lost his mind, since he’d tried the same song and dance before with predictably poor results.

Which was why old Archie was really surprised when the boy’s fist collided with his face.

“ **WHAT!?** ” the ghost shouted in pain as he crashed to the ground.

Archibald wiped his lip as he floated back up, and realized that his face actually hurt, and ectoplasm was dripping out of his nose. Before the ghost could process that he’d somehow been  _ injured _ , despite being  _ dead _ , he saw Dipper running at him again, all thoughts of imprisoning the ghoul gone. Angered, the specter swung his axe at the boy in a wide horizontal arc. Dipper saw the attack coming from a mile away, and rolled under it with ease. Having closed the gap between himself and the ghost, he quickly shot up and fired four quick punches into the ghost’s gut. Archibald doubled over from the strikes, and Dipper jumped up at the opening, slugging the murderous spirit hard across the face.

The lumberjack stumbled back, surprised by the pain he was feeling, but Dipper didn’t let up. As soon as he landed he jumped forward, slamming his fist into the phantom’s face again. As the specter stumble back more, Dipper repeated the assault. This time when Archibald stumbled back, he was ready. When Dipper jumped, the ghost swung a punch of his own at where the boy would jump to. Unfortunately for him, Dipper expected the counter attack. This time, instead of launching himself up to hit Archie’s face, he struck the spirit in his chest with a brutal dropkick.

“ **GRAGH!** ” the phantom grunted in pain, ectoplasm spurting from his mouth.

Seeing a chance as Dipper hit the ground, the ghoul flew back, high above the ground. The ghost panted, realizing that for the first time in his afterlife, he was tired. He was hurt, and that shouldn’t have been possible. Yet somehow this child…

Archibald wiped the ectoplasm from his lips, and spit out the traces remaining in his mouth as he fixed his undead gaze on Dipper.

“ **Very well, boy,** ” the ghost said. “ **If these are the actions you do intend, THEN COME TO ME, AND FACE YOUR END!** ”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht terces moor..._ **

 

“Pacifica!” Mabel exclaimed as she poked her head through the torn painting. “There you are!”

Mabel ran over to the blonde grabbing her hand frantically.

“The ghost is turning everyone to wood,” Mabel explained as she tried pulling the crouching girl up, “and he just started rhyming, for some reason? We need your he-!”

Mabel was cut off by Pacifica pulling her hand back and looking away from the brunette shamefully.

“... Pacifica?” Mabel asked.

“... You wanna know why this room was locked up?” Pacifica asked, before gesturing to the newly uncovered paintings. “This is what I found in here. A painted record of every horrible thing that my family’s ever done. Lying, cheating, and then there’s me. I lied to you both just because I’m too scared to talk back to my stupid parents!”

Pacifica threw off her earrings, chucking them at a painting of her parents. She felt vindicated for the briefest of seconds at the sight of her jewelry striking the facsimile of her parents, before the crippling guilt set back in.

“I…” Pacifica murmured, on the verge of tears. “I tricked my… my only two friends… The only two people in the whole world who… who actually  _ liked _ me…”

Pacifica wiped her eyes off, looking down as she hugged her legs to her chest.

“Your brother was right about me…” Pacifica whispered. “I’m just another rotten apple in a family full of them…”

The blonde reserved herself to her depression and self-loathing, but was surprised when the other girl sat next to her and rested a soft hand on her shoulder.

“Pacifica,” Mabel said, “I’m not going to sit here and pretend you’ve been the best person ever. But you can be a good person. I’ve seen it. Dipper has too, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. We’re more than our parents, we CAN be more.”

Mabel didn’t seem to realize she’d suddenly switched to saying “we”, but Pacifica certainly had. She turned to the brunette.

“... Do you really believe that?” Pacifica asked.

Mabel nodded, giving her a soft smile.

Pacifica nodded back, growing determined as she blinked the tears out of her eyes.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Dipper leapt to the side as the giant axe flew past him.

With a wave of his hand, Archibald brought the ghostly weapon flying back to him. His grabbed the handle as he flew after his enemy, readying another swing. Dipper picked up a discarded spoon from the ground and chucked it straight at the specter’s face. Falling for the feint yet again, the spirit redirected his axe’s swing at the incoming utensil. Realizing too late the folly of his action, Dipper had already closed the distance, readying a barrage of punches. Unfortunately, the phantom had a new trick up his sleeve. Archibald quickly drove his knee into Dipper’s stomach, interrupting the boy’s attack and launching him a foot into the air.

At too close a range to use his axe, the ghost instead opted to backhand Dipper across the room. The boy crashed into a table, tumbling back until his spine painfully collided with a wall. Dipper opened his eyes just in time to see the axe flying at him. He pushed himself to the side a second before the blade imbedded itself in the wall. When the spirit waved his weapon back, Dipper reached out and grabbed onto the handle.

Archibald’s empty eyes widened in surprise as Dipper flew across the room to him. He dispelled the flying weapon, but Dipper had all the momentum he needed. The boy landed on the ghost’s enormous chest. Gripping onto the ghoul’s shirt, and ignoring the pain he felt being so close to the burning beard, Dipper began whaling on the spirit’s head. The ghost cried out in pain, and Dipper took his success as an invitation to slam his elbow down on the crack in the lumberjack’s skull.

At that the fire of the phantom’s beard exploded out, knocking Dipper off his opponent. As the boy tumbled to the ground, he rolled back onto his feet just in time to see the ghoul fire the wood petrification beam at him. Dipper took the full brunt of the attack, the energy much stronger than before. It took everything he had to keep himself on his feet under the bombardment, and despite that he could feel himself getting pushed back little by little. And despite his earlier immunity, Dipper felt his limbs slowly transforming into wood. He tried as hard as he could to fight back, but the process wouldn’t stop.

Mabel and Pacifica ran into the main foyer and saw the boy slowly succumbing to the onslaught of ghostly energy raining down on him, and Mabel gasped.

Archibald turned, sweating a bit from the effort he was having to put into his attack. His hollow eyes widened when he saw the blonde.

“ **NORTHWEST!** ” the ghost roared as he used his free hand to fire another petrification beam at Pacifica.

“No!” Mabel cried.

With reflexes greater than even she knew she possessed, Mabel pushed Pacifica out of the way of the laser, taking the full force of the blast herself. Mabel gasped out a single breath before her now wooden body clattered to the ground.

“MABEL!!!” both Dipper and Pacifica shouted.

Before Archibald could try to shoot at Pacifica again, Dipper let out an inhuman cry of pure rage. All the wood vanishing from his body in an instant, his eyes burned a brighter red than ever before as he ran through the beam at the one who had dared harm his sister. The heavy blasting of ghostly energy now not even slowing him down, Dipper cleared the distance between him and the phantom in no time at all. Dipper shoulder-checked the shocked spirit. But before he could lay into the ghoul, Archibald grabbed the boy by the throat and flew up into the air.

Dipper coughed up blood as he was slammed back into a wall ten feet above the ground. The ghost held firmly onto the boy’s neck and squeezed tight, trying to choke his opponent. Dipper tried to get in a breath past the crushing force on his windpipe, but couldn’t. So instead, he put the arm holding him up in its own vice grip.

Archibald winced in pain as he felt the fingers crushing into his forearm, and even saw cracks beginning to form in the spectral appendage, ectoplasm starting to leak out.

“ **Very well, boy,** ” the phantom spoke. “ **Let us see which lasts longer, my arm or your breath!** ”

Dipper knew which one would win out. His vision was already growing dark, and his grip slackening. Soon the red faded from his eyes, and his hands fell lifelessly through the spirit’s arms. The specter grinned, his victory close at hand, when-

“Hey, ugly! Over here!”

Archibald looked away, and saw Pacifica standing with her hand on the lever that controlled the main gates to the mansion.

“You want me to let in the townsfolk!?” Pacifica shouted. “‘Cause I’ll do it! Just let him go and change everyone back!”

“ **YOU WISH TO PROVE YOURSELF?** ” the specter asked. “ **PULL THAT LEVER AND OPEN THE GRAND GATE TO THE TOWN! FULFILL YOUR ANCESTORS’ PROMISE!** ”

“Pacifica Elise Northwest!”

The blonde looked and her father, poking his head out of a hatch in the floor.

“Stop this instant!” Preston said. “We can’t let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There’s enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week.”

He paused, before whispering, “We’ll eat the butler!”

Pacifica looked at Dipper’s limp form hanging in the air, and Mabel’s wooden statue on the floor, and reached for the lever.

“You dare to disobey me?” Preston asked threateningly as he started ringing his bell.

Pacifica’s hand stopped just before reaching the handle. She could feel her body straining against her to move back into the perfectly postured, subservient stance she’d been trained to over the years at the sound of the bell. Beads of sweat began forming on her face as she fought to keep her arm from pulling back, despite the deafening ringing in her ears.

“Dingally, dingally!” Preston said as he tried ringing the bell louder. “Is this bell broken?!”

Pacifica ground her teeth and stomped her foot. Dipper and Mabel fought ghosts, an army of mini murder monsters, a giant bat, and a ton of other creatures. With the two of them taking on all of that in stride, there was no way Pacifica would lose a fight with a  **stupid bell!**

“Our family name is broken!” Pacifica shouted as she gripped the lever. “And I’m gonna fix it!”

With a swift motion she threw the switch.

Archibald gasped as the front gates flew open. He dropped Dipper to the ground and floated forward, watching in awe as the townspeople rushed onto the property.

“ **YES, YES, IT’S HAPPENING!** ” the lumberjack exclaimed, ecstatic. “ **MY HEART, ONCE HARD AS OAK, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something.** ”

In a flash, everything in the mansion returned to normal, and the various petrified party-goers were freed from their wooden prisons.

Mabel took in a huge breath as she blinked rapidly, looking around to see what was going on. She quickly spotted her brother, lying in a heap against a wall.

“Dipper!” the girl cried as she ran over to him. “Oh my gosh! What happened!?”

The boy coughed as his sister helped him up.

“I, uh…” Dipper wheezed, discombobulated. “I... got him…?”

“ **Pacifica,** ” Archibald said to the young blonde, “ **you are not like the other Northwests. I feel... lumber justice.** ”

With those last words, the spirit of Archibald Corduroy faded away, finally at peace.

Pacifica smiled, feeling like for the first time in her life, she’d done something that actually mattered. Though her moment of at last being truly proud of what she’d done was cut short as a surging mass of people burst through the front doors of the mansion.

“Aw, yes!” Manly Dan shouted as he jumped into the cider fountain. “Yeah!”

“Good lord, the riff-raff! They’re everywhere!” Preston cried as he saw Tyler Cutebiker playing with the silverware. “That’s not how the fork should be placed!”

“Pacifica!”

The blonde turned and saw the twins walking over to her, Dipper hanging off of Mabel’s shoulder as she helped keep him up.

“You did it!” Mabel cheered. “You busted a ghost and saved everyone!”

“Yeah,” Pacifica said with a happy grin. “I guess I did, didn’t I?”

Dipper panted, trying to get his breath back, but still managed to give the blonde a smirk.

“Not…” he wheezed. “Not bad… rich girl…”

Pacifica rolled her eyes, but laughed despite herself. The kids looked around and saw the chaos the party had become. Despite the room essentially devolving into a mosh pit, Pacifica liked the change. No pretentious greetings, no strict adherences to etiquette, no posturing for the rest of the world. Everyone was just having fun, and that was something Pacifica, after years of being held back by her controlling parents, could get behind fully.

Pacifica sighed, realizing what would inevitably come of this.

“I hope everyone gets to enjoy it while it lasts,” she said bitterly. “Next year I’m sure my parents are just gonna lock everyone out again…”

The twins frowned, realizing that Pacifica was probably right. Dipper looked down, dejected at their only momentary triumph, but then realized something.

“Hey,” he said as he stood on his own, still a bit shaky legs. “Guess what we’re standing on.”

Pacifica looked down and let out a sharp gasp, seeing that all three were on her parents’ favorite white carpet pattern. For a split second, she heard the bell ringing in her mind, but pushed the thought aside with a laugh. She started knocking over food and drink onto the carpet, Dipper and Mabel joining in the act.

“Ha ha…” Pacifica laughed as they ran out of things to dump. “But seriously, I’d better go and find someone to clean this up. Thank you both, for… Well, everything, I guess.”

With a wave Pacifica walked off, and the twins each gave her a wide grin as she left.

“Okay,” Dipper said. “She’s alright.”

Mabel nodded. “Yeah. But speaking of alright, are you okay on your own there, Bro? Looks like the ghost really messed you up.”

“Yeah,” Dipper said, rolling his shoulders. “I’m going to feel this for a week, but I think I’m fine.”

At that, the boy nearly lost his balance, but he managed to catch himself.

“... More or less,” the boy conceded.

“Well,” Mabel said, giving the boy a wary look, “if you think you’re okay, I’m going to go look for Candy and Grenda. See if we can’t still have some fun tonight.”

Dipper simply gave his sister a thumbs up, and the girl wandered off, looking for her friends.

The boy took a deep breath. Aside from being seriously winded, and EXTREMELY sore pretty much everywhere, he really was in surprisingly good shape considering everything he’d been put through. Still, he wasn’t going to be running any track meets for a while. Or running in general.

Which is why it was unfortunate for him that he was suddenly dragged to an empty hall by a running old man McGucket.

“What the-?” the boy panted out as he tried not to trip over himself. “McGucket, what’s going on?”

“Dipper!” the old man exclaimed as he brought the two to a stop. “I’ve been lookin’ for ya. I fixed the laptop. Been doin’ calculations, and I think something terrible is comin’! The apocalypse! The End Times!”

Dipper let out a breath that carried with it the extreme exhaustion he felt.

“McGucket,” Dipper said tiredly, “tonight I have been hunted by a ghost, betrayed, turned into wood several times, seen my sister get turned into wood, been burned by ghostly fire, thrown across a huge ballroom, and nearly strangled to death. Right now, I need food and lots of rest.”

“But-!” McGucket tried.

“Whatever it is,” Dipper said, “it can wait ‘til tomorrow, okay?”

Without giving the old man a chance to argue, Dipper walked off, intent on swiping whatever free food was left and crashing hard back at the Shack. McGucket looked around, panicking. He pulled the laptop out of his beard (don’t ask) and opened it. The words “IMMINENT THREAT” were in bright red on the screen, and the countdown was now down to twenty-one hours and thirty minutes.

“Oh, this is bad!” McGucket said, fear growing rapidly. “Something’s coming! Something big!”

  
**10-21-11-25   7-20-5-21-20-11   24-11-19-11-19-8-11-24** **_25-9-21-21-8-5   10-21-21   21-20    6-21-19-8-15-11   15-25-18-7-20-10_ ** **?   16-1-25-0   19-11?   21-17-7-5...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it still 2018? It is? Nice, I made it!
> 
> Welcome back one and all to Fighting in the Falls Christmas Spectacular! What makes this chapter the Christmas special you ask? Why, the fact that it was posted on Christmas Eve, of course!
> 
> ... Shut up, that counts...
> 
> Anyway, we return in this most festive of seasons to quite possibly the least festive moment in the story thus far. Unless you consider children being beaten half to death festive, in which case, same homie!
> 
> (*NOTE: We here at Loser With Fedora do not condone child abuse. We do however, find it hilarious.*)
> 
> But yeah, I realized while writing this thing that, unless I'm mistaken, this is the first time in the series that Dipper has just outright lost a fight. I mean, there was Rumble McSkirmish, but even if he needed outside help he still won. And with Dipper vs. Mabel back in the Mermando chapters Dipper really only won because Mabel got distracted right at the end, but a stolen win is still a win. Here, Dipper just straight up couldn't beat his opponent. I kind of like that we finally have a moment like this, to be honest. Beforehand I started thinking Dipper was turning out to be a bit of a Gary Stu. Showing that there are some challenges he can't handle on his own will help him feel less like an invincible one-man wrecking crew. That's kind of important for tension later.
> 
> Also, Mabel got to cheer up Pacifica this time. Because having the person that had the most interactions with Pacifica beforehand be the one that understands her the best to me seemed like a no-brainer. And Mabel also got to learn firsthand what it feels like to see romantic drama from a completely outside perspective. Not having any investment in it suddenly makes all the stuff that goes into it feel petty and irrelevant, huh? Welcome to my world, Mabel. And yet for some reason an aromantic is going to continue trying to write romantic subplots later down the line. Because I apparently hate succeeding at life.
> 
> Also, these past two chapter titles sent me on a bit of retro Scooby Doo bend. Zombie Island still holds up surprisingly well, all things considered. Witch's Ghost was pretty good to, even though I don't see as many people remembering that one. Some of the newer movies are alright, but I don't think any of them quite reach those levels. Although that Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated show was pretty good, if a little too filler-heavy. Anyway, tangent over.
> 
> And... is that it? Think so. Kind of thought I'd have more to say with this one. Oh well. Next chapter will be up two weeks from now, unless I make some miraculous headway in spite of the hectic holidays, so... Geez, that's next year isn't it? Well, I guess I'll see you all then. Remember to leave any likes, dislikes, holiday cheers, or whatever in the comments. I'd like to know that everyone reading is still alive after such a massive wait time between chapters.
> 
> That said, I have been a loser with a Santa-themed fedora, and Merry Christmas!
> 
> Merry Crisis!
> 
> Merry Chrysler!
> 
> ... can you tell my sister has been quoting holiday vines way too much?


	26. The Double Life of Stanford Pines: Part 1

Stan monitored the levels of the hazardous fuel he gathered in glass vats. He pulled a lever and the fuel was taken in by the grand machine in the next room.

“Come on, come on…” Stan muttered as the machine accepted the fuel. “Should be just enough to finish the job…”

The old man sighed in relief as a sign flashed up on a nearby screen. The notice read, “EVENT INITIALIZED” and was quickly followed by an eighteen hour countdown. Stan smiled at his success.

He walked over to the main control unit and sat down, pulling out Journal 1 and his photocopies of the other books’ pages, he read the instructions on how to properly adjust the machine’s settings. All of this planning and preparation would be useless if he could get the target right. Stan’s fingers typed away, locking onto the desired signature, and then set the computer to continuously keep aimed at the signal.

Stan let out a breath when he finished. He took a quick glance back through Journal 1 to see if there was anything else he needed.

“‘Warning,’” he read aloud, already bored. “Blah blah blah… ‘Extreme usage could result in minor gravity anomalies.’ Can it, Poindexter!”

Stan slammed the Journal shut and pushed a button.

“I’ve come this far, I’m not givin’ up now!” Stan declared as the looming machine whirred to life. “Yes, this is it!”

Stan stood and looked at the device, light coming from the metal structure. He felt his fez begin to float off his head, and held it down. He certainly felt lighter, but he himself wasn’t floating yet. The old man figured that the anomalies probably weren’t bad enough that anyone would notice them yet, but it was only a matter of time.

“It’s gonna be a bumpy ride,” Stan said as he grabbed a large watch, “but it’ll all be worth it.”

Stan synched up his wristwatch with the countdown monitor, giving him easy viewing of the machine’s progress.

“Just eighteen more hours,” Stan said as he checked the tiny monitor. “Finally, everything changes.”

 

**_… lareveS sruoh retal…_ **

 

“It’s here it’s here it’s here!” Mabel cried excitedly.

Dipper yawned as his sister dragged him through the Shack, the two still in their PJs. Dipper had hoped he’d be able to sleep in after the craziness of the previous night, but apparently that wasn’t in the cards with Mabel as a sister. Still, it wasn’t as bad as he’d expected. Dipper was honestly surprised at how much he’d recovered after only a single night’s rest. He still felt like he’d tried headbutting a train, but his body was in remarkably good shape. He didn’t even feel very fatigued, physically. It was more so just a mental tiredness. Like, he  _ could’ve _ gone running if he needed to, he’d just be zoning out the whole time and would probably run into a bunch of trees by mistake. It was bizarre after all his body had gone through, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Okay,” Mabel explained to her still half asleep brother. “So I was just opening random doors-”

“Because you’re a creep?” Dipper asked groggily.

“Exactly!” Mabel confirmed. “When I found something amazing!”

“If it was worth waking up at seven A.M. for, that WILL be amazing…” Dipper grumbled.

Mabel reached her destination, an unassuming closet. With suitable dramatic flair, she threw the door open and held out her arms. There on the floor was a box of numerous fireworks, labeled “DO  NOT TOUCH!” in big white letters.

“Feast your eyes!” the girl proclaimed.

Dipper had to admit, he was definitely feeling more awake. “Whoa.”

“Bro,” Mabel said as she placed a hand on Dipper’s shoulder. “BRO. We’re both thinking it.”

“Crazy rooftop fireworks party?” Dipper guessed.

“Crazy rooftop fireworks party!” Mabel agreed.

“Not so fast, kids!”

The two turned and saw Stan walking up to them, glaring at the box before them.

“There is no way on earth you’re setting off those dangerous, illegal fireworks…” the old man said.

‘ _ Wait for it… _ ’ Dipper thought.

“... without me,” Stan finished, kneeling down to the twins with a smile.

Dipper gave a smile of his own. ‘ _ There it is. _ ’

 

**_… retaL, no eht foor fo eht kcahS…_ **

 

Dipper munched on an icy-pop while a lounging Stan lit Mabel’s rocket for her.

“Here you go, sweetie,” the old man said. “Set something on fire for your Grunkle Stan.”

“I AM THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION!” Mabel shouted as the rocket shot into the air and exploded.

As the colorful sparkles rained down on the Shack’s lawn, Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland walked up the the building.

“Hold on a minute!” Blubs called up to the trio on the roof. “Do you have a permit for those?”

“Do you have a permit for being totally lame?” Stan asked.

He and Mabel laughed, and Blubs and Durland shrugged.

“Well,” Blubs chuckled, “I can’t argue with that. Carry on.”

With that, the two cops walked off, and Dipper was left desperately trying to figure out how that possibly worked.

Stan laughed, before taking a look around the yard. “... But seriously though, we should probably clean this mess up.”

The twins looked around and saw various patches of fire surrounding the Mystery Shack.

‘ _ Probably should’ve expected that, _ ’ Dipper thought.

“Ooh! Ooh!” Mabel exclaimed. “Can we clean it with water balloons?”

Stan shrugged. “I don’t see why not.”

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

Stan sat on the outside couch and sipped a Pitt Cola as he watched the twins engage in combat via water balloon.

“Hah!” Dipper shouted as he chucked a balloon at his sister.

Mabel stood, perfectly still, and watched as the projectile soared past her, three feet from her body. She gave her brother a blank look, which quickly morphed into a sinister grin.

Dipper gulped. ‘ _ Well, I’m screwed. _ ’

Stan laughed as the boy ran across the yard, his sister cackling madly as she threw her balloons at him.

“Ah,” Stan said as he relaxed in his seat. “This is what Saturdays are for. Doing dumb things forever.”

“DUMB THINGS FOREVER!” Mabel cheered as she jumped onto the pile of unused water balloons, popping them all.

A blast of water flew out from the popped pile, colliding with Dipper and nearly reaching Stan. The boy was suddenly very happy he’d taken his varsity jacket off before hand, and Stan laughed as he preemptively shielded his face.

“Whoa there!” Stan exclaimed with a smile.

“To Grunkle Stan!” Mabel declared. “Not _ just  _ a great uncle, the greatest uncle!”

With that, Mabel chucked the final balloon right at the old man, and it exploded all over his face.

“Alright, alright,” Stan said as he took off his glasses to dry them off. “I tell you, it’s unnatural for siblings to get along as well as you do.”

“Haha!” Mabel laughed. “Don’t worry. We’ve still got plenty of summer left to drive each other crazy!”

At that, the girl lunged at her brother to wrap him in a hug. However, Dipper swung his hand up and revealed a balloon he’d been holding onto. Mabel collided face-first with the balloon, the water weapon popping on her face. Dipper smirked as Mabel spit out some balloon pieces that he gotten in her mouth.

“Yeah,” Stan mumbled, his voice taking on a melancholic tone, “plenty of summer left…”

The old man scratched the back of his neck, looking away uncomfortably. The kids walked up to him, and Dipper noticed Stan change in mood.

“Grunkle Stan?” he asked. “Is something wrong?”

Stan looked back as he considered his words. “Kids, there’s something I, uh, something I should tell you. It’s, um… Well, it’s complicated. I…”

Losing his resolve, the old man rose from his seat and grabbed his drink.

“I’m gonna go refresh my soda,” he said as he walked away.

Mabel shrugged and went back to running around the yard, but Dipper looked after Stan with a raised eyebrow. What was Stan about to say? And why did he walk around the house if he wanted another drink?

As quietly as he could, Dipper walked to the corner of the Shack and listened. He didn’t dare look around, or else Stan would just deflect the situation. And so the boy listened as he faintly heard his grunkle mumbling to himself.

“-ile you can, Stan,” Dipper heard the old man speak. “They’ll find out sooner or later. Today’s the day.”

Dipper got a sinking feeling in his stomach. A thought suddenly burst forward of what Stan’s news was. Dipper had hoped that they could go the whole summer without  _ that _ coming up, but if his guess was right-

Dipper’s thoughts were cut off by a sudden swarm of helicopters flying in to the Shack’s clearing. Government agents rappelled down to the ground and crashed into the Shack, weapons bared and police tape at the ready.

“Hey, lay off!” Mabel cried as some of the troops reached for her.

“Mabel!” Dipper shouted as he ran to his sister, only to be surrounded by more soldiers.

“Kids are secure!” one of the agents said into his comm.

“Ugh!” Stan grunted as he was brought around the house in handcuffs. “Hey, hands off, you stooge! I don’t understand! What did I do that warrants this much arresting?”

“Drop the act, Pines.”

The twins turned and saw an unexpected sight: the two government agents that had approached them just before the Mystery Shack’s grand reopening party. Agent Powers and Agent Trigger, Dipper recalled. Though he also recalled something else.

“Didn’t you guys get eaten by zombies?” Dipper asked as he glared at the intruding agents.

“We survived,” Trigger said. “Barely.”

“I used Trigger as a human shield,” Powers stated. “He cried like a baby.”

“Wha-? Hey!” Trigger stammered. “Not in front of the special-ops guys…”

“This is security footage of a government waste facility,” Powers explained, displaying the recording of a radiation suit-wearing thief stealing barrels to Stan. “At o’four hundred hours last night, someone robbed three hundred gallons of dangerous waste.”

“What?” Stan asked. “You think that’s me?”

“Don’t play dumb with us, Pines,” Powers said as he clicked his fingers.

“But I actually am dumb!” Stan insisted as he was led to one of the cars. “Last night I was stocking the gift shop, I swear!”

“Wait!” Mabel cried as she ran after the old man. “Grunkle Stan!”

Some agents moved in front of her, and one pulled out handcuffs. However, a raised hand from Powers told him to stand down.

“You’ve got the wrong guy!” Mabel insisted to the lead agents. “Our Grunkle Stan might shoplift the occasional tangerine, but he’s not some evil super villain!”

“Listen, kid,” Powers said as he knelt down to look the girl in the eye. “We’ve been watching your family all summer and we’ve seen some disturbing things. But nothing as dangerous as what your uncle is hiding. Somewhere hidden in this shack is a doomsday device!”

“You really are giving our uncle too much credit,” Dipper said. “He’s nowhere near smart enough to build something like that. No offense!”

“Gragh!” Stan grunted as he was roughly shoved into a government vehicle. “None taken!”

“Trigger, you take the children,” Powers said as he rose to his feet and gave his partner the tablet. “I’ll talk to the old man.

Powers put on some sunglasses as he left the twins to be taken away.

“Sorry to break it to you kids,” the stoic agent said, “but you don’t know your uncle at all.”

The twins watched in stunned silence as the Mystery Shack was ripped to pieces by government agents, and their caretaker was carted off right in front of them.

“Kids, you gotta believe me!” Stan cried, banging on the car’s window as it drove away. “For once I’m actually innocent! Kids!”

Dipper and Mabel watched, disheartened, as they were put in another car and driven off by Trigger.

“What’re you gonna do to us?” Dipper asked the agent.

“We’ll be taking you to child services,” Trigger answered, not taking his eyes off the road. “They’ll likely send you both back home to your parents.”

“Boo!” Mabel jeered.

“In the meantime,” the agent said as he pushed a button on the dashboard, “enjoy some mindless Reality TV, designed to pacify you and make you stop asking questions.”

As some prank show came on a screen in the backseat, the twins looked at each other.

“ _ Dipper, this is crazy, _ ” Mabel whispered, barely moving her lips. “ _ There’s no way Stan was stealing hazardous waste! We gotta clear his name! _ ”

“ _ The security tapes, _ ” Dipper whispered back. “ _ We need those to prove Stan’s innocence. _ ”

Of course there was the unspoken hurdle they had to clear first. How could they get the tapes if they were being carted of to be shipped back to their parents?

‘ _ Think, Mabel… _ ’ the girl told herself as she looked around.

When she turned her head she saw just outside her window was a big logging truck being driven by Manly Dan. She noticed that there was a Sev’ral Timez bumper sticker on the vehicle, and Mabel knew Wendy wasn’t a fan. So if Manly Dan, with his famous temper, was a fan, then.

As Manly Dan drove down the road, he heard a knocking coming from the car next to him. He glanced to the side, and saw Mabel giving him a mocking look as she pointed to a message she’d written in the fog of her window.

“SEV’RAL TIMEZ IS OVERRATED”

Manly Dan gasped, before growling angrily. “ **NOOOOO!** ”

With the burning rage of a thousand suns, Manly Dan steered right into the government vehicle. Trigger was caught completely by surprise as the battering ram of a truck slammed into his car. He struggled in vain as the car spun off the road and tumbled down a hill. The twins braced themselves as the car rolled over itself and crashed into large oak tree. The tree managed to take the impact, barely moving as the armored vehicle dented from the strike.

Trigger crawled out of the driver side window, head hurting from the wreck but otherwise okay. He tapped his earpiece, relieved to find it was still working.

“Mayday! Mayday!” he repeated into his comm as he rose to his knees. “Agent down! Requesting backup-! Ah!”

Trigger winced in pain as his earpiece was ripped out by Mabel. She quickly jabbed him in the face, but the agent didn’t fall back like she’d though he would. Trigger pushed the girl away as he shot to his feet. Mabel stumbled back, trying not to fall, and the agent pulled out his stun gun. He aimed at his assailant, but before he could fire Dipper ran in from his side. The boy grabbed the hand holding the stun gun and forced it up, the charged wires firing harmlessly into the air. Dipper slid under the agent’s arm and drove a quick punch into Trigger’s gut, then to his face, and then the hand holding the stun gun. Dazed from the strikes, Trigger dropped his weapon and Dipper kicked it away, before spinning around. His back was turned to Trigger, but he still held onto the agent’s arm. With a mighty heave, Dipper flipped the agent over him, the adult crashing painfully on his back. And before Trigger could even try getting up, Mabel ran forward and leapt into the air. She did a front flip and, with an extended leg, brought a powerful axe kick down on Trigger’s chest. Mabel rolled back as the agent let out a pained wheeze, gasping for air.

The twins took a step back, looking at the scene before them.

“So…” Dipper said, glancing at his sister. “We just assaulted a government agent. We should probably scram.”

“Yeah,” Mabel agreed with a nod. “Come on, Dipper. Let’s go clear our uncle’s name.”

The twins turned away and began walking, but they stopped when they heard choked words coming from behind them.

“ _ Y-You… _ ” Trigger gasped out as he shakily picked himself into sitting up. “ _ You poor k-kids… You r-really think your uncle’s innocent…? _ ”

The kids turned back, looking at the struggling agent over their shoulders.

“I’ve seen it all before...” Trigger continued, starting to get his breath back. “F-False names, double lives… One minute they’re playing with water balloons, the next they’re building doomsday devices… Your uncle scammed the whole world… You gonna let him scam you, too…?”

Dipper frowned, considering the words as he looked away.

Mabel, on the other hand, scoffed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Our grunkle’s innocent and we’re gonna prove it.”

With that, Mabel started walking again, and after a moment’s hesitation Dipper followed.

“You’re gonna regret this…!” Trigger panted, trying to rise from his seated position.

Mabel let out a frustrated huff. As she walked, she kicked up a marble-sized stone from the ground. Without even turning to look behind her, she swung her arm down and flung the rock behind her, the stone projectile hitting Trigger square in the forehead. With a thud, the agent fell down, unconscious, and the twins continued their hike back to the Mystery Shack in silence.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Stan sat in the interrogation room turned lock up, hands still cuffed behind him. He looked back as he rolled up his sleeve, and glanced down at the timer on his watch.

“Only five more hours ‘til it happens…” the old man muttered as his eyes darted around the room. “I gotta be there!”

Stan looked around the interrogation room, trying to come up with some kind of escape plan. He’d already made his one phone call to Soos, and the handyman should be on his way to guard the secret entrance to the lab. Still, it wasn’t like Soos would be able to hold off the government for long. Not unless he could get out and get all the G-men to go looking for him.

But therein laid the problem. How in the world was he getting out of there? As great a con-man he was, even he couldn’t pick-pocket handcuff keys off a government agent while also being locked in said handcuffs. He couldn’t talk his way out of this problem, and he didn’t have much time to come up with some brilliant scheme.

“Come on, Stan, you gotta think of a way outta this!” he told himself as he hit his head against the table before him. “Think! Think!”

Suddenly, Stan heard a beeping noise. It was the anomaly warning on his watch. Sure enough, mere seconds later he felt himself grow lighter. His chair lifted a hair’s breadth off the floor, and the coffee in the cup before him floated up into the air. The mug soon followed, with various other office items going airborne for a few seconds. After that the anomaly ended, and the various objects fell back down.

“They’re getting stronger-” Stan commented to himself, before an idea struck. “Of course, that’s it!”

Stan glanced back at his watch timer. An anomaly had just happened, and not a very strong one. There had to be a ton of paperwork the agents were doing, or they were keeping him around in some vain hope he would tell them where the machine was. Either way, all he could do was try to stall them out as best he could, and wait for the opportune moment. Not much of a brilliant plan, but then again, he’d never really been much of a planner.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Dipper and Mabel each carefully poked their heads out of the brush surrounding the Mystery Shack. The place was crawling with guards, but the twins were unperturbed.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” Dipper said as they retreated back into the cover of the forest. “I’ll take out those front two guards, and while the guy near them is distracted by me, you sneak up behind him and knock him out. From there, we’re gonna-”

“Um,” Mabel interrupted as she pulled out her grappling hook, “aren’t you forgetting the easier way, Bro-Bro?”

“Oh,” Dipper said. “Right.”

“Grappling ho-!”

“Shh!”

With that, the twins climbed up a tall pine tree, and Mabel shot her grapple gun through a window in the attic, shattering the glass as she did. This would have normally caught the attention of the two guards at the front of the house, but they were distracted by Rock That Looks Like A Face Rock, the rock that looks like a face.

“So is it a rock?” the first agent asked as the twins zipplined into the Shack overhead. “Or is it a face?”

“I think it’s…” the other spoke, “a metaphor.”

‘ _ I can’t believe that worked, _ ’ Dipper thought as he and his sister touched down in the attic.

The two tiptoed down the steps into the Shack proper. The agents seemed to be sticking to the gift shop, kitchen, and living room areas, at least for the moment. That was fortunate, as it meant that all the kids needed to do was stay quiet and they would have little trouble sneaking past the guards. They got into the back hallways and went straight for Stan’s office.

Dipper silently shut the door behind them, locking it as he did. The room didn’t seem to have been searched yet, so taking a few precautions to avoid uninvited guests seemed to be a good idea.

The twins grinned at each other and fist bumped. “ _ Mystery Twins…~ _ ”

They looked around the office, keeping an eye out for where their grunkle could’ve stashed the tapes.

“Alright,” Mabel said, careful to keep her voice down. “If I was Stan, where would I hide those surveillance tapes?”

As the girl glanced over the office, she caught a glint of something she’d never noticed before. A metal screw on the horned rabbit hung next to Stan’s portrait.

“Dipper!” she whisper shouted. “The antelabbit!”

Dipper looked at his sister with a weirded out expression. “Don’t you mean ‘jackalope’?”

Mabel scoffed. “That can’t be right.”

Mabel went up and fixed the bent antler, and a spot in the wall opened up, revealing various tapes and an older TV to watch them on.

“Jackpot,” Dipper said.

Dipper found that week’s tape, and wound through it. After skipping over an impromptu dance party that had (thankfully) happened without his involvement, he found what they were looking for.

“There it is!” Mabel said happily. “Stan restocking like he said! And the date shows it was last night! It’s proof! He’s innocent!”

Dipper nodded. The time stamp said 7 P.M. This did seem to verify Stan’s story. However, the waste was stolen at four o’clock. They needed to make sure there weren’t any holes in Stan’s alibi.

Dipper fast-forwarded the tape, and he got a sinking feeling as Stan left the Shack around eight at night.

Mabel’s cheering slowly died down as hours passed on the tape, with Stan still not having returned. Her face fell, and she was about to make some excuse for where their grunkle could be, when they reached 5 A.M.

A man in a hazmat suit entered the Shack, wheeling in several vats of hazardous waste. Dipper was visibly saddened at the sight, as he slowed the footage back to normal speed.

‘ _ Stan, you didn’t… _ ’ the boy thought.

“Don’t panic,” Mabel insisted. “That could be anyone in that suit!”

As if on cue, the suit-wearer dropped one of the vats on his foot and let out a very Stan-like yelp.

“Hot Belgian waffles!” Stan’s voice came for the tape, before the suit man looked around. “... Wait, I’m alone. I can swear for real!  _ Ahem _ . SON OF A-!”

Dipper paused the video and let out a sigh of disappointment. “That’s him, alright…”

“Okay, okay, so maybe Grunkle Stan stole some toxic waste,” Mabel conceded. “That doesn’t mean he’s leading a nefarious double life!”

At that, Dipper noticed a box full of cards under the TV set, and his hopes fell further. “I’m not so sure about that…”

Dipper pulled out the box, revealing numerous ID cards and passports. Each had an image of Stan at various ages, but each had a different name.

“What is all this?” Mabel asked as she picked up a card. “‘Stetson Pinefield’?”

“‘Hal Forrester’,” Dipper read as he sifted through various IDs. “‘Andrew ‘8-Ball’ Alcatraz’. These are all fake IDs, Mabel. And he has so many of them…”

“But why would Stan need all of these?” Mabel asked, before she found her answer in the form of a newspaper.

Stunned beyond words, she silently pushed the paper to her brother. Dipper took it, and received a similar shock as he read the headline. What did it say?

“STAN PINES DEAD”

“‘Foul play suspected in Pines’ death,’” Mabel read aloud as her brother held the page. “Fiery car crash, brakes cut… by who?!”

Dipper found a different newspaper clipping, this one with a picture of Stan himself. “‘Unnamed grifter at large.’”

“Why would they call him unnamed?” Mabel asked, confused.

Dipper’s eyes widened, the pieces of his summer-spanning puzzle all starting to fall into place in his mind. He looked to his sister, and said what she was beginning to realize.

“Because Grunkle Stan isn’t the real Stanford Pines.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, and welcome back to this thing that you're still reading, apparently. Do I sound less than enthusiastic? Yeah, I'm kinda bummed. I really want to be done with the recap chapters, and I'm getting close to that. Just a few more chapters to go. I see the light at the end of the tunnel!
> 
> ... In all seriousness though, thank you all, sincerely, for sticking around through this part of the story. I know it probably isn't the most interesting to just read Fight Falls renditions of existing episodes. I always hope I made them interesting enough to still be entertaining, but with chapters like these I feel like I didn't do as well as I could've. But spoiler alert-
> 
> (Auto-censor moves to shoot me, but I blast it with an RPG first, completely destroying it)
> 
> HA! TAKE THAT!  
> ... Ahem, as I was saying. There are only three more chapters after this one, and then we'll be at Weirdmageddon! And not only that, but I plan on doing something special after the Weirdmageddon chapters. Stay tuned to hear more about that later.
> 
> But yeah, that about covers it. Thanks again for reading. Feel free to leave any likes or dislikes you have about the story in the comments.  
> I have been some loser in a fedora, have a great day.


	27. The Double Life of Stanford Pines: Part 2

“Stan Pines is dead?!” Mabel exclaimed, the reveal still not having sunk in. “Then who have we been living with? It doesn’t make any sense!”

“No…” Dipper said, more to himself than Mabel as he flipped through the evidence in his head. “Stan’s old, one of the oldest members of the town. He’s been here for around three decades, and he lives here in the Shack. Mabel, do you remember that theory I told you about a while back? About this being the Author’s house?”

“What about it?” Mabel asked, confused.

“Stan’s been living in the Author’s house for decades,” Dipper continued. “That means he would have had to have bought it shortly after the Author disappeared. That’s either an enormous coincidence, or he had his eyes on the place beforehand.”

“So?” Mabel asked, not getting the point.

Dipper flipped open Journal 3, stopping at the Author’s final message.

“Approximately thirty years ago,” he explained, “the Author realized someone was after him and his research. Shortly after this revelation he disappeared, never to be heard from again, and the one hunting him likely went uncaught. I’ve always known the possibility that the mystery person who was after the Author might still be around, and I’d considered several possibilities for who it could be, but I’d never thought about…”

“Wait, wait, wait…” Mabel said, making “back up” hand motions at her brother. “You don’t actually think that-?”

“Stan, or whatever his real name is, was the one after the Author?” Dipper finished. “Yeah, I do.”

“But!” Mabel insisted. “N-No, there’s no way! There’s gotta be some other explanation!”

“It all lines up, Mabel,” Dipper responded. “The timing, the false identities, the chemical theft. You remember back when we told Stan we knew about all the weirdness in the town? What was the first thing he did?”

Mabel thought for a second, before gasping.

“He took the Journals,” Dipper answered himself as Mabel processed the details.

“... B-But,” Mabel stammered desperately, “he gave them back! Just a day later!”

“Just long enough to photocopy the pages,” Dipper countered.

“But-!”

“Mabel,” Dipper said, cutting his sister off. “We’ve got to face the facts. Stan’s been lying to us this whole time, and has been working on some kind of doomsday weapon. All of the proof is right here.”

“Ugh…” Mabel stammered, before her eyes darted back to the box of fake IDs. “There’s gotta be some kind of explanation in here somewhere!”

Dipper sighed. ‘ _ I don’t believe it. I’ve spent the whole summer trying to solve this mystery, and the biggest clue was right under my nose the entire time. _ ’

“What the…?” Mabel muttered as she pulled out a slip of paper. “‘Secret code to hideout’?”

Dipper looked over his sister’s shoulder and read the paper. “‘A1, B, C3’... I’ve never seen a code like this.”

“Wait, I have!” Mabel exclaimed. “Dipper, it’s the vending machine!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Stan looked back at his timer. It said there was only thirteen minutes before the device went active. He was starting to get worried. Time was running out and it still hadn’t happened yet. The feds would be coming to get him any second now-

“Alright, Pines,” Powers said as he and some other agents entered the room. “Playtime is over. Chopper’s ready to dust off to Washington. I’ll enjoy putting you away.”

Stan bit down his urge to swear. “Um, can’t we stick around for maybe one minute? Uh, one minute thirty seconds?”

Powers’ eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he spoke evenly. “We’re not falling for your games, Pines. You’ve been running your whole life. Your time is finally up.”

“Bathroom break?” Stan tried. “Just give me... fifteen seconds!”

“Sorry,” Powers said as he moved to unlock Stan’s cuffs from the chair, “but you’ve got a flight to catch.”

At that very moment, Stan’s timer began beeping with the notice that meant a gravitational anomaly was occuring. Powers looked confused by the noise, but the old man smirked.

“Oh yeah?” Stan asked. “So do you.”

The agents, the table, everything in the room and town began floating in the air, several feet off of the ground.

Including Stan’s chair.

Before anyone could even realize what was going on, Stan kicked the table out from him and sent it flying into two of the agents. The force sent him back, crushing Agent Powers between his chair and the wall behind him. Powers grunted in pain, the wooden chair shattering against him. The impact sent the keys flying out of the agent’s hands. Stan saw the keys floating in front of him, and pushed himself off from the wall. Flipping through the air, he caught the keys as he planted his feet on the ceiling. With a quick click of the keys, Stan undid his handcuffs and pushed off through the air. Soaring over the stunned and disoriented agents, he kicked the two floating guards into Powers, who was trying (and failing) to catch up with the old man. A wallet flew out of the pocket of one of the agent, which Stan happily snagged for himself. He touched down to the floor, opened the interrogation room door, and darted out.

“No!” Powers shouted as Stan slammed the door in his face. “You won’t get away with this!”

Stan used Powers’ keys to lock the door to the holding room just as his watched beeped. The old man felt his weight return to him, and the various objects and people in the room crashed to the floor.

Stan grinned. “Pretty sure I just did.”

The old man ran out of the police station. He knew that door wouldn’t hold the agents long. He needed something to distract them. He had a wallet full of cash, now all he needed was a…

‘ _ Bingo! _ ’ Stan thought as he saw what he needed.

Just across the street was a taxi driver picking himself off the ground. His cab seemed to be in good shape even after the gravity anomaly, and was perfect for Stan.

“Hey!” Stan called as he ran over to the driver. “Do you know where the Mystery Shack is?”

“Uh… yeah?” the driver answered.

“Here’s a hundred bucks,” Stan said as he handed all the bills in the stolen wallet to the driver. “Drive as far away from the Shack as possible, and don’t stop when the cops start chasing you!”

The driver looked at the money and shrugged.

Agent Powers ran out of the police station, scanning the area for his escaped prisoner. He saw a taxi cab peeling away from the building.

“He’s getting away!” Powers yelled. “Follow that cab!”

Stan peeked out from behind a wrecked car, grinning as the agents all drove after the taxi. That should get rid of the agents still at the Shack, too. Stan supposed his status as a master criminal that absolutely cannot be allowed to escape had some benefits. With the coast clear, he started running back to the Mystery Shack. He could still make it in time.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Soos watched from the bushes as the various government agents got orders over their radios. The all hopped into their various vehicles and drove off in pursuit of their “fleeing” prisoner. The handyman nodded as the Shack was left alone, and he approached with determination. Soos clumsily pulled himself in through an open window, because secret agents on important missions don’t use the front door. He made his way to the gift shop, and stood in front of the vending machine.

“Alright Soos, remember the plan,” he told himself as he did faux-karate poses. “Protect the machine, earn Stan’s trust, legally get adopted by Stan, change name to Stan Junior.”

“Soos?”

Soos let out a startle yelp as he turned and saw Dipper and Mabel poking their heads out from behind a corner.

“Oh, kids!” Soos said, letting out a relieved sigh. “Where’ve you been?”

“What are you doing here?” Dipper asked, suspicion evident.

“Stan gave me a mission to protect this machine!” Soos said, completely oblivious to any suspicion aimed his way. “Ha! And I thought I loved snacks.”

“Soos, listen,” Dipper tried. “Something huge is going on here, and that vending machine is the key to figuring it out. We need you to step aside.”

“Yeah,” Mabel chimed in, “just let us through so we can prove this is all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Guys, I know this seems crazy,” Soos said uncomfortably, “but I promised Stan I would guard this with my life.”

“And that doesn’t sound suspicious at all?” Dipper asked incredulously.

“I…” Soos stammered, “well-”

“Mabel, now!” Dipper suddenly shouted.

The two rushed forward, Dipper sending a quick jab into Soos’ stomach. It wasn’t enough to hurt, just enough to stun him so Mabel could do her thing.

“Sorry, Soos!” the girl shouted as she jumped onto the handyman.

Like a monkey, she scampered around to Soos’ back. With a powerful push of her legs, she shoved Soos away from the vending machine and allowed Dipper to move in.

Soos stumbled forward as Mabel climbed up on his shoulders. Her legs were wrapped tightly around his neck, and her hands covered his eyes. The handyman tried to reach up and grab the girl, but Mabel suddenly threw all of her weight back. Soos lost his already unstable footing and fell backward, being dragged down by Mabel’s momentum. The girl extended her arms back and caught herself as she fell, managing an unorthodox backhandspring of sorts. Mabel landed on her feet, graceful as a cat, while Soos crashed hard onto his back.

“ _... O-Oh… _ ” Soos wheezed.

At that point, Dipper finished putting in the code to the vending machine. He stepped back as the machine swung out from the wall. The twins and even Soos watched in awe as a secret passage revealed itself, lit by an eerie electric glow.

Mabel helped Soos to his feet, an understanding having passed between them. They all wanted to know what they would find down the passage. What Stan didn’t want anyone to find. With an air of trepidation among them all, they made their way into the passage.

“It’s like something from a video game…” Soos said as they descended the steps in the hidden hallway.

“Or a dream…” Mabel said, unsure of what to make of the place.

Dipper paused as they reached an elevator with a keypad. He wasn’t disheartened by the block to their progression. On the contrary, he was disheartened because he knew  _ exactly _ how to get past it.

Wordlessly, Dipper pulled out Journal 3 and flipped to the page with the picture of the elevator and the code to make it work. He punched in the code as his companions watched, slowly coming to realize what it meant that the code for the lift was found in the missing Author’s Journal.

The elevator opened, the creaking of metal echoing through the small space.

“...Or a nightmare,” Dipper finally said.

As the elevator descended to what was listed as the ground floor, Dipper looked on in dismay. When the doors opened he saw a lab, with very familiar-looking equipment.

“Guys, are we dreaming?” Mabel asked. “Somebody wake me up.”

“I don’t understand,” Soos said. “Why would Mr. Pines have all this?”

Dipper looked at some of the control panels. The screens, the switches, the keypads. Everything was the same.

“It’s just like that bunker in the woods…” Dipper muttered.

“But what is it doing underneath the Mystery Shack?” Soos asked.

“Okay, okay,” Mabel said, trying and failing not to let her panic show, “so he’s got a huge gigantic lab. That doesn’t mean anything bad! Everyone’s got secrets!”

Her eyes passed over a desk, and her expression softened as she saw a framed picture of herself and Dipper resting on it.

“It’s still Stan, and he loves us,” Mabel said as she gently held the picture. “And we love him. Right?”

Dipper looked to his more optimistic sister, not sure what to say. That uncertainty vanished the moment he looked at the desk, and saw something poking out of the shadow of a shelf Mabel had missed.

“Hey!” Mabel exclaimed as Dipper pushed her aside. “The heck, Dipper?!”

When she got no response, the girl looked down to see what had captured Dipper’s interest so completely. She instantly lost her voice as she saw a Journal in her brother’s hands.

Journal 1.

“All this time…” Dipper whispered, before hurt and anger overtook his expression. “All this time, Stan had it!? I can’t believe it! Was anything he said to us real!?  **_GRAGH!!!_ ** ”

Dipper slammed his fist down on the desk, putting a small dent in the metal.

Mabel hesitantly reached for her brother’s shoulder. “Dipper, it might not be-”

“Why would he have the Journal, Mabel?!” the boy shouted, giving his sister a glare that silenced her.

“Maybe he’s the Author?” Soos offered.

“Or maybe he stole it from the Author!” Dipper shouted. “Maybe the reason he has all those fake IDs is because he IS a master criminal, and this machine is his master plan!”

Dipper pulled out both his Journals and opened all three to the pages that only made sense with all the Journals. He lined up the books and the images formed a picture of the giant glowing machine in the next room. Dipper pulled out the blacklight to see what else the pages had to say, and unfortunately, things only got worse.

“‘I was wrong the whole time,’” Dipper read aloud. “‘The machine was meant to create knowledge but it is too powerful. I was deceived, and now it is too late. The device, if fully operational, could tear our universe apart! It must not fall into the wrong hands. If the clock ever reaches zero, our universe is doomed!’”

Everyone gasped, and looked up at the big digital clock counting down above their heads. They only had one minute and thirty seconds before the device was fully operational.

“It’s the final countdown!” Soos cried. “Just like they always sung about!”

“We have to shut it down!” Dipper shouted as he managed to find a page with manual override instructions.

They all ran into the large room with the machine. Dipper ushered his two companions to a panel off to the side with three keys.

“We have to turn these together!” he said as they all grabbed one. “On three! One, two, three!”

The keys were turned in perfect synchronization. With that done, a thin pedestal-looking device in the center of the room opened up, revealing a red button.

“That’s it!” Dipper shouted as the three ran to the button. “The shutdown switch! This all stops now!”

“DON’T TOUCH THAT BUTTON!!!”

The trio turned and saw a very short of breath Stan at the room’s doorway. Dipper glared at the old man, slowly extending his hand to the button.

“Please don’t press that shutdown button, you gotta trust me!” Stan cried at the sight.

“And I should trust you, why?!” Dipper asked, furious. “After you stole radioactive waste and lied to our faces about it?! After you’ve been lying to us all summer?! I don’t even know who you are!”

“Look, I know this all seems nuts,” Stan conceded, “but I need that machine to stay on! If you’d just let me explain-!”

Suddenly, Stan’s watch started beeping, and everything began shaking.

“Oh no!” the old man exclaimed. “Brace yourselves!”

As the gravitational anomaly hit, all four went floating up. Much stronger than any of the previous anomalies, they all went flying high into the air, tumbling over themselves chaotically.

“T minus thirty-five seconds,” and computerized voice entoned.

Dipper managed to sort of swim through the air and grab hold onto a steady wooden support beam. He seemed to be okay, but where was Stan? Where was-?

“Dipper!”

The boy looked back and saw Mabel. Her foot had gotten caught on a cable connected to the button’s stand. For once, fortune seemed to have smiled on the twins.

“Mabel!” Dipper called. “Hurry! Shut it down!”

Realizing her opportunity, Mabel grabbed the cord and began pulling herself back to the button.

“No!” Stan exclaimed, trying to swim to the girl. “Mabel, Mabel, wait! Stop-!”

Out of nowhere, Soos collided with the old man, trying to restrain him as they both floated through the air.

“Soos, what’re you doing?!” Stan shouted as he tried knocking the handyman off of him. “I gave you an order!”

“Sorry Mr. Pines, if that is your real name!” Soos declared as his grip held firm. “But I have a new mission now! Protecting these kids!”

“Soos, you idiot, let me go!”

Seeing the struggle, Dipper launched himself off of his hold and shot toward the struggling duo. Dipper came in with a (relatively) solid tackle that sent all of them crashing into the far wall.

“Go! Mabel, press the red button!” Dipper shouted even as Stan shoved him off. “Shut it down!”

“No, you can’t!” Stan pleaded. “You gotta trust me!”

“Grunkle Stan…” Mabel sobbed, revealing to everyone that she was crying. “I don’t even know if you’re my grunkle! I wanna believe you, but-”

“Then listen to me,” Stan insisted. “Remember this morning when I said I wanted to tell you guys something?”

“T-minus fifteen seconds,” the computer announced.

A pulse of energy emerged from the machine, pushing everyone back. Mabel managed to keep holding onto the stand, but Dipper and Soos were sent flying into the side walls of the room. Stan was slammed back into the far wall again, but this time his arms got tangled around a metal pipe behind him. He couldn’t move.

Seeing the effects of the machine and knowing of the damage it could cause, Mabel was about to press the button, when she heard a voice.

“I wanted to say that you’re gonna hear some bad things about me,” Stan said, “and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I’ve worked for, everything I care about, it’s all for this family!”

“Mabel, what if he’s lying!?” Dipper cried. “This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!”

“Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I’m a bad guy?”

“He’s lying! Shut it down NOW!”

“Mabel, please!”

The various shouts all became white noise to her. She had looked into Stan’s eyes, and no. She didn’t think he was a bad guy. She wanted to trust him. But she also trusted Dipper. He’d spent so much time going over the Journals, and they’d all seen the warnings. Whatever Stan was doing put the whole world at risk. But if he was doing this for a reason.

“I…” Mabel mumbled as her eyes darted back and forth between the two yelling at her. “I-”

“One,” the computer said.

Mabel gasped and the guys all yelled as a blinding light surged from the device and enveloped the lab. For seconds that could have been hours, the four’s entire world was crashing noises, and the smell of charred and burning air, and the light that encompassed everything.

But just as quickly as it began, it ended. Gravity returned to normal, and the light vanished. Dipper grunted as he fell to the floor, trying to get his bearings. His eyes blinked rapidly, and slowly vision began to return to them. As Dipper slowly picked himself up, he noted that he didn’t feel very dead, so that was a good sign, if nothing else.

As he got his sight back, Dipper looked around. He saw Stan on the ground in a similar state to his own, having apparently gotten loose for the pipe. Soos and Mabel were recovering from the explosion of light, but otherwise seemed to be okay as well. The same could not be said for the machine, which had fallen to pieces in a sparking, smoking heap.

And standing in the rubble, was someone else.

Dipper rose to his feet, using the wall as support.

“Mabel, get up!” Dipper shouted as he clenched his fist.

The girl looked confused, but then her eyes found the mysterious newcomer. She managed to stand on her own, but her balance wasn’t at it’s best yet. The stranger noted their attempt at hostile stances, but didn’t seemed concerned with the twins at the moment.

The goggle and scarf-wearing stranger walked across the room and knelt down. Dipper saw the mystery person pick up the discarded Journal 1, and his eyes widened when he saw that the gloved hand lined up perfectly with the six-fingered golden hand on the cover of the Journal.

“Is that…?” Dipper breathed, unable to believe what he saw.

“The Author of the Journals…” Stan confirmed as he looked at the figure.

The man stood up, pocketing the Journal in his cloak. Silently, the Author reached up and pulled off his goggles and removed his scarf from around his face. When the twins and Soos saw what was revealed, they all gasped.

The Author’s face was near-identical to Stan’s own.

Stan smiled. “… My brother.”

 

**15   7-18-24-11-7-10-5   1-25-11-10   0-14-11   25-14-5-7-19-7-18-7-20   24-11-12-11-24-11-20-9-11,   10-15-10-20’-0   15?   10-7-24-20   15-0.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Welp, this is overdue.
> 
> Sorry for the delay, everyone. I thought I could jump back into things right off the bat, and I was mistaken. It took a bit, but I got back into things and I have good news to make up for this chapter being almost a week late. As of now, Fighting in the Falls will be going back to a weekly update schedule! Not only that, but I should be able to do an "update marathon" of sorts. In other words, all of the Weirdmageddon chapters will be uploaded ONE DAY AFTER ANOTHER! Because once Weirdmageddon is done, updates are going to become infrequent as crap and I want to have a little bit more consistency and timeliness before then. Also I just want to get this part of the story done and over with already. So yeah! More frequent uploads for a couple weeks!
> 
> ... I see no way for this to go wrong!
> 
> Anyway, this wraps up Not What He Seems. Not a whole lot to say about the chapter itself, honestly. Sort of running into that issue of any part of the story not really about the twins isn't all that different. Oh well.
> 
> That's all for now. Feel free to leave any likes or dislikes in the comments. Thank you all for reading, and have a great day.


	28. The Mind of Stanford Pines

It was funny how quickly the unbelievable became the mundane.

That summer was a prime example. At the beginning the notion of ghosts, magic artifacts, and a gnome army all seemed amazing and fantastical, even to someone like Dipper. Or perhaps  _ especially _ to someone like Dipper. A shot of impossible wonder into his otherwise dull and unpleasant life. And yet, just over two months later, he woke up each day wondering what the next supernatural creature that would try to ruin his day would be. Treated as little more than another chore to do. At least this kind of chore involved punching, so that was nice.

Dipper contemplated this as he got up and considered the past week. Seven days was all it had taken to get adjusted to the presence of his  _ other _ great-uncle, the real Stanford Pines. Dipper supposed it was nice that Stanly, the man who had been caring for him and his sister all summer was still their grunkle (and they could even still call him Stan, thanks to uncreative names). And yet it was bizarre, while at the same time not. Everything had changed, but at the same time nothing had. Stan was still the same guy they’d always thought he was, and “Grunkle Ford” was simply a new aspect of their family life. Ever since that incident with the Infinite-Sided Die, Ford seemed to have warmed up to the kids a bit. He still spent most of his time in his lab under the Shack, but it no longer felt as though a stranger lived in the house with them. And so, the extraordinary becomes the ordinary.

Still, Dipper wished at some point he’d get to talk to Ford more about his discoveries and adventures in the multiverse. The fact that the Author was living in the same house as him and yet barely had the time to do anything that wasn’t as important as a DD&D game was a bit disheartening. He supposed that he’d just have to wait for Ford to open up more himself. Dipper just hoped that would happen before he had to go home at summer’s end and everything became awful again. But that was a matter for another day.

At the moment Dipper and Mabel were fiddling through a closet in the Shack. After Mabel had found out that Dungeons, Dungeons & more Dungeons was actually more fun than she’d thought, she’d been anxious to play another board game. Stan had pointed them to the closet where he kept all his old board games, and the kids looked for something that could entertain them for the next twenty-one minutes or so.

“Let’s see…” Mabel hummed as she looked through their options. “‘Battlechutes & Ladderships,’ ‘Necronomiconopoly,’ ‘Don’t Wake Stalin…’”

Dipper rolled his eyes, before one game in particular caught his eye. “‘What Could Go Wrong?: The Board Game. The last players who opened this box never made it out alive.’”

There was silence as the children looked at the box. After a moment, Mabel got an enthusiastic grin as she turned to her brother.

“Well, I know what we’re doing to-.”

“ _ No, _ ” Dipper deadpanned.

Mabel pouted, but before she could say anything they both heard shouting from the living room.

“Family meeting!” Ford called out. “Family meeting!”

Both kids shrugged, and made their way to their new great-uncle. As they made it into the living room they saw Ford setting up at the table, with a bag of equipment and a variety of papers spread out on it.

“Ah, children,” Ford said as he saw them enter. “Come in, come in!”

“Ooh, mysterious scrolls and potions!” Mabel marveled as she took a seat at the table. “Are you going to tell us we’re finally of age to go to wizard school? Is there an owl in this bag?”

“No!” Ford exclaimed as he snatched his bag away from Mabel’s outstretched hands. “I can assure you if there’s an owl in this bag, he’s long dead.”

The frown that overtook Mabel’s face at that statement could have been put in a pet-adoption commercial.

“Now, children,” Ford continued as he pulled out a slip of paper, “do either of you recognize this symbol?”

Mabel gasped at the triangular creature drawn on the parchment, and Dipper’s eyes narrowed.

“ **Bill…** ” the boy grumbled.

“You…” Ford started, surprised, “you know him?”

“You could say that…” Dipper glowered. “We’ve had to deal with him a few times.”

“We totally kicked his butt twice!” Mabel said happily. “Even the second time when he stole Dipper’s butt.”

“... _ Please _ rephrase that…” Dipper muttered.

“Nope!” Mabel said with a massive grin.

“The fact that you’ve dealt with Bill is gravely serious,” Ford said, ignoring the twins’ back and forth.

“How do _ you _ know Bill?” Dipper inquired.

“I’ve encountered many dark beings in my time, Dipper,” Ford responded ominously. “What matters is that his powers are growing stronger, and if he pulls off his plans, no one in this family will be safe. Fortunately, there should be a way to shield us from his mental tricks. A way to Bill-proof the Shack.”

Ford started drawing points on a map of the Shack, and drew a few lines.

“All I have to do is place moonstones here, here, and here…” Ford muttered. “Sprinkle some mercury… Let’s see... I always forget the last ingredient!”

Ford took out Journal 1 and started flipping through it until he found the entry that he was looking for and his face fell.

“Ugh,” he groaned in annoyance, “ _ unicorn _ hair.”

“I take it that’s hard to come by?” Dipper inferred.

“It’s hopeless,” Ford responded. “Unicorns reside deep within an enchanted glade, and their hairs can only be obtained by a pure, good-hearted person who goes on a magical quest to find them.”

“Grunkle Ford!” Mabel squealed excitedly. “Can I please go on this quest? Please please  _ PLEASE!? _ I’ve always wanted to see a unicorn!”

“It’s true,” Dipper said with a nod. “Her first word was ‘unicorn’.”

“Not to mention that I’m probably the most pure of heart person in this room,” Mabel added.

Both Ford and Dipper shrugged. She wasn’t wrong.

“So can I go on a mission to get that hair?” Mabel pleaded. “Pretty please? I’LL GIVE YOU MY BLOOD!”

“Very well,” Ford agreed. “But it won’t be easy. Take this.”

Mabel was practically vibrating with happiness as Ford handed her Journal 1.

“And this.”

Dipper quirked an eyebrow as his great-uncle also handed his sister a crossbow.

“Oooh!” Mabel marveled at the instrument of death she’d been given.

“I haven’t been in this dimension for a while,” Ford said. “It’s okay to give children weapons, right?”

Dipper shrugged. “Honestly, she’s probably the most reliable kid in the world when it comes to stuff like that. Nothing’s getting hit unless she wants it to.”

Ford seemed satisfied by the reassurance the other twelve year old gave him. Meanwhile, Mabel pulled out her phone and ran out of the Shack.

“Candy, Grenda, Wendy, clear the afternoon!” she yelled excitedly into the device.

Dipper watched his sister run off with skepticism. “… So, what are the odds she gets that hair?”

“Unlikely,” Ford answered. “I’ve dealt with unicorns before, and if I had to describe them in one word it would be... frustrating.”

“So then what are we gonna do about Bill?” Dipper asked.

“Follow me,” Ford said, ushering Dipper to the giftshop.

Dipper grinned, realizing there could only be one place Ford was leading him. Sure enough, the old man opened up the secret passage to the underground lab and Dipper followed. They both rode the elevator down and stopped on the second floor.

“Welcome to my private study,” Ford said as the doors opened, “a place where I keep my most ancient and secret knowledge. Even your uncle Stan doesn’t know about this place.”

The boy looked around at the various trinkets and notes around the room. A covered painting caught his eye, but Ford called for him before he got the chance to see what it was of.

“If we can’t Bill-proof the Shack, we’re going to have to do the next best thing,” the old researcher explained as he fiddled with a wired helmet. “We’re gonna have to Bill-proof our minds.”

“We can do that?” Dipper asked.

“Yes,” Stanford said as he prepared the helmet, before pausing. “Well, probably. I’ve never actually used the machine in this way before, but the science is sound. Put this on, please.”

Dipper eyed the device warily, but shrugged in resignation. Feeling very much like a lab rat, he put the metal helmet on.

“So…” Dipper said, deciding to see what Ford would share. “What is Bill, exactly?”

“No one knows for sure,” Ford answered as he began preparing a large computer connected to the helmet. “Accounts differ of his true motivations and origins. I know he’s older than our galaxy and far more twisted. Without a physical form, he can only project himself into our thoughts through the mindscape. That’s why he wants this.”

Dipper watched as Ford pulled out the small globe with the dimensional rift trapped inside. He had no idea how a ripped hole in space time could be stuffed into a container and walked around all over the place and not be stuck in the space it was created, but he was certain he didn’t want to hear the full explanation if he could avoid it.

“I dismantled the portal,” Ford continued, “but with this tear, Bill still has a way into our reality. To get his hands on this rift, he would trick or possess anyone.”

“So how do we keep Bill out of our minds?” Dipper asked, hoping the answer would reassure him about the metal bowl placed on his head.

“Well, there’s a number of ways,” Ford responded. “I personally had a metal plate installed in my head.”

Dipper looked at his great-uncle with a raised eyebrow. “... You’re serious, aren’t you?”

Ford answered by knocking his fist against his forehead, causing a metallic clang to echo out.

“... Right…” Dipper said, suddenly concerned about the device on his head.

“Don’t worry,” Ford said, “this machine is safer. It will scan your mind, bioelectrically encrypting your thoughts so that Bill can’t read them.”

“And you’re  _ sure _ this is safe?” Dipper reiterated. “I’m not going wind up with Tourette’s or something?”

“No, no,” Ford said. “I’m ninety percent certain there won’t be any side effects at all.”

“It’s that ten percent that’s worrying me,” Dipper responded.

“You’ll be fine,” Ford insisted as he flipped one final switch. “Now say hello to your thoughts.”

Dipper looked at the screen and saw various words scroll across, some of them even having a voice that sounded like his own speaking them.

“Hello thoughts,” the screen voice spoke. “I can’t believe I’m with the Author. I wonder how Wendy’s doing? Am I going to get Tourette’s? Will I have Tourette’s-regrets?”

“I’m not apologizing for that last one,” Dipper said as his great-uncle gave him an incredulous look. “... By the way, you never did tell me what your history with Bill was.”

“Dipper, do you trust me?” Ford asked, tone suddenly very serious.

“Well, yeah,” Dipper said, “but-”

“Then you’ll trust that that’s not important,” Ford interrupted. “Now, focus. It’s time to strengthen your mind.”

Dipper let the matter drop, and settled in for what he hoped wouldn’t be too long.

 

**_… gnoL hguone ot og no a cigam nrocinu tseuq retal…_ **

 

Dipper let out an irritated sigh as he looked at the screen for what felt like the millionth time. According to it, only fifteen percent of his thoughts had been “scanned” whatever that meant. Dipper wondered if the fact that he was currently thinking was creating more thoughts to encode, and if that was slowing things down.

He would’ve asked Ford, but the old adventurer had fallen asleep some time ago. He was pretty tired from the looks of things. Dipper wondered if he wasn’t getting enough sleep with all of his work he’d been doing. Dipper understood that with the severity of fighting Bill the old man might be pushing himself, but Dipper knew that the longer you pushed your body without giving it time to recover the less effective you become.

Still, Dipper would’ve appreciated someone to talk to. At the moment he was left to his own devices for an extended period of time. But being alone and able to think things through in peace did offer a certain amount of clarity. For instance…

“Why is he so secretive about Bill?” his thoughts on the screen spoke.

“It _ is _ suspicious…” Dipper muttered to himself as he took in his great-uncle’s sleeping form.

“Use the machine!” the displayed thoughts urged him. “It’ll show you his thoughts.”

Dipper’s head quirked at the thought. “It’s a violation of trust, but…”

“He won’t know,” the displayed thoughts rationalized. “He’s going to tell you eventually. The more you know about Bill, the more you can help.”

“Well, can’t argue with that,” Dipper said as he slipped the helmet off himself.

He knew the justification was weak, but the boy’s curiosity was making this decision for him. And besides, Dipper couldn’t shake the feeling that something about this wasn’t right…

As gently as he could, Dipper slid the helmet into place onto Ford’s head. Once it was on, various thoughts streamed up onto the display screen.

“Where are these ideas coming from?” Dipper heard the voice of a younger Old Man McGucket ask. “Who are you working with?!”

“My brother is a dangerous know-it-all…” Stan’s voice suddenly came on, Dipper recognizing the line from a few days before.

“He would trick or possess anyone…” spoke Ford’s own voice from earlier.

Dipper watched as an image began to form on the screen. He saw what appeared to be a younger Ford, with an arm extended.

“Then it’s a deal,” the younger version of the researcher said. “From now until the end of time.”

‘ _ Wait… _ ’ Dipper thought, suddenly having a very bad feeling.

“JUST LET ME INTO YOUR MIND, STANFORD.”

Dipper’s eyes widened, the voice unmistakable. ‘ _ Oh no… _ ’

“Please,” the memory of Ford said, “call me…”

The younger Ford’s hand gripped Bill’s own, and blue fire solidified their pact.

“... a friend.”

Dipper swallowed hard, staring at the image on the screen with dread.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

Dipper whipped around and saw Ford standing up. The old man tossed he helmet aside, disconnecting him from the machine. Light from the inactive screen created a harsh glare on Ford’s glasses, which didn’t help Dipper’s growing panic at the scenario. Despite this he tried to remain calm.

“I can see why you didn’t want me to know your past with Bill,” Dipper said, trying to keep his voice even. “It might give some people the wrong idea.”

“Dipper, I-” Ford tried as he approached his great-nephew.

In response, Dipper swiped the interdimensional rift from the counter and held it himself.

“Might even lead some people to believe your aren’t the best person to leave this with,” Dipper said.

“Careful with that!” Ford exclaimed. “We can’t let that break or Bill will destroy everything! Hand me the rift! Now, boy!”

“Yeah, got to protect the MacGuffin, right?” Dipper asked. “An easy story to swallow. Simple. Of course, maybe there’s more to it than that. Maybe Bill needs something else to make this work right, and if this breaks before that his whole plan falls apart. All I know about this thing is what you told me, and I’m starting to think I should get a second opinion.”

“Dipper, we don’t have time for this!” Ford insisted, getting more worked up as he approached the boy. “Just put the rift down and-!”

Instantly, Dipper grabbed the Blind Eye’s memory gun from a nearby counter (so  _ that’s _ where it had gone) and leveled it right at Ford.

“No,” Dipper countered. “No, I think we have plenty of time for this. Now let’s start with some answers. Why were you really scanning my thoughts?”

“Now just-just calm down, please!” Ford said.

“I’m calm,” Dipper said as he typed Bill’s name into the memory gun, grip on the weapon and rift tight. “Why? This whole situation making you nervous? Not sure which story to tell this time?”

“I-!”

“That’s far enough,” Dipper interrupted. “Answer my question, or else I’m gonna- Now, Mabel!”

Ford whipped around, expecting to get blindsided by the other twin, not realizing his mistake until it was too late. Dipper shot his great-uncle in the back of his head, and the mind-wiping beam’s impact sent Ford sprawling on the ground. Dipper grinned as he saw Ford’s glasses fall to the floor.

“Now-Now just calm down!” Ford said as he picked himself off the ground and turned back to face the boy. “Look into my eyes! Look at my pupils. It’s me, Dipper. It’s me!”

Dipper let out a breath, and visibly relaxed at the sight of the normal eyes looking at him. “... Sorry about shooting you.”

“It’s okay, Dipper,” Ford said. “I… guess I have some explaining to do?”

Dipper nodded.

Ford reached over and picked up the mind-scanning helmet. He put it on, and willed his memories onto the screen.

“I should have been more like you when I was young,” Ford explained. “Suspicious, considering all the possibilities. Dipper, the reason I’ve been trying to prepare you for Bill’s tricks is that Bill tricked me. It’s the biggest regret of my life. Bill wasn’t always my enemy, Dipper. I used to think he was my friend. Long, long ago. I had hit a roadblock in my investigation of Gravity Falls. Until I found some mysterious writing in a cave. Ancient incantations about a being with answers. It warned me not to read them, but I was desperate. I read the inscription aloud. But nothing happened. Until later that afternoon, when I had the most peculiar dream.”

Dipper saw the images from the dream play out, and Ford floated through a void of his unconscious.

“HIYA, SMART GUY!” Bill exclaimed as he suddenly appeared behind Ford in the memory, startling the researcher. “WOAH, DON’T HAVE A HEART ATTACK, YOU’RE NOT NINETY-TWO YET.”

“Who are you!?” Memory-Ford exclaimed, startled.

“NAME’S BILL! AND YOUR NAME’S STANFORD PINES, THE MAN WHO CHANGED THE WORLD. BUT I’M GETTING AHEAD OF OURSELVES. LET’S RELAX! CARE FOR A GAME OF INTERDIMENSIONAL CHESS? HAVE A CUP OF TEA.”

“He told me he was a muse,” Ford explained as more memories flashed up on the screen. “That he chose one brilliant mind a century to inspire. What a fool I was, blinded by his flattery and games… He became my research assistant. He was free to move in and out of my mind as he pleased. We were partners. When he told me I could complete my research by building a gateway to other worlds, I trusted him. He said this was the way genius happened. Little help from a friend.”

Dipper watched the memory of McGucket and Ford running trials on the portal. He saw McGucket’s head go through for just a few seconds.

“I got ya, buddy!” Memory Ford exclaimed as he pulled McGucket back. “Are you okay? What is it? Is it working? What did you see?!”

McGucket made strangled gurgling noises, struggling to speak. “ _ Ahh! VOTM ZRIGIV SKRXOORY! _ ”

“Fiddleford?” Memory-Ford asked, confused.

“When Gravity Falls and earth becomes sky, fear the beast with just one eye,” McGucket intoned.

“Fiddleford, get a hold of yourself,” Ford said as he rested a hand on his assistant’s shoulder, “you’re not making any sense.”

The action seemed to bring McGucket back to himself, and he flinched away from the contact. “This machine is dangerous. You’ll bring about the end of the world with this. Destroy it before it destroys us all!”

“I can’t destroy this!” Ford exclaimed, unsure of what to make of what he was told. “It’s my life’s work!”

“I fear we’ve unleashed a grave danger on the world,” McGucket said as he picked himself off the ground. “One I’d just as soon forget. I quit!”

“The fear my partner had I whatever was on the other side returned my critical thinking to me,” Ford explained to Dipper as the scene changed again. “I needed to confirm my suspicions, and the answer was worse than I’d feared.”

“Bill!” a new memory of Stanford cried out, in what looked like his dreamscape. “You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?”

Bill was looking at a multi-colored pulsating rip in reality, his vision of what was to come.

“HO-HO!” Bill chuckled as he turned around to face his pawn. “LOOKS LIKE MR. BRAINIAC FINALLY GOT SMART! LET’S JUST SAY THAT WHEN THAT PORTAL FINISHES CHARGING UP YOUR DIMENSION IS GONNA LEARN HOW TO PARTY! RIGHT, GUYS?”

Monstrous cheers and cackling came from the other end of the rip, and Memory-Ford blanched.

“No!” he shouted. “I’ll stop you! I’ll SHUT IT DOWN!”

“A DEAL’S A DEAL, SIXER!” Bill countered. “YOU CAN’T STOP A BRIDGE BETWEEN OUR WORLDS FROM COMING, BUT IT WOULD BE FUN TO WATCH YOU TRY! CUTE EVEN!”

“I’d been betrayed,” Ford said to his great-nephew. “I shut the portal down, severing the link between Bill’s world and ours. I had to hide my instructions so no one could ever finish Bill’s work. And…”

Images of Ford and Stan’s fight flashed on the screen, with Ford getting pushed into the accidentally opened portal.

“... Well, you know the rest,” Ford finished, tone heavy as he pulled the mind reading helmet off. “Bill’s been waiting for the gateway to reopen ever since. All he needs to do is get his hands on the Rift. To Bill, it’s just a game. But to us, it would mean the end of our world.”

“... Oh man,” Dipper said, for once at a loss of what to say.

“Oh man, indeed…” Ford agreed with a nod. “Now can you  _ please _ put the Rift down? Gently?”

Dipper relented, and Ford let out a sigh of relief. The old, weary man bent down and picked his glasses up. He put them back on and ushered Dipper out of the room with him. After the tense situation, neither were up for much of anything. They made their way back up to the kitchen, and Ford grabbed them each a Pitt Cola. They both took long drinks, before sitting at the living room table.

“So um, sorry again about shooting you,” Dipper said awkwardly. “Guess it was a bit of an overreaction, huh?”

“Water under the bridge,” Ford dismissed. “Besides, it’s not like the memory gun could’ve done anything to me. Remember?”

Ford gave his head a quick knock, letting the sound of the metal plate ring out. Dipper nodded as he fished the pit out of his drink.

“I know,” Dipper said.

“Wait, you did?” Ford asked. “Then why did you shoot me with it if you knew it wouldn’t work?”

“I knew it wouldn’t actually wipe your memory,” Dipper explained. “But I thought you- Bill that is, would think that I’d forgotten. If you were Bill, or working with him, I figured you would try tricking me into lowering my guard by pretending it worked. You didn’t do that, so I guessed that you were being honest with me. Also, it gave me a nice way to get a good look at your eyes without risking getting to close.”

Ford looked at the boy sitting before him with a look of disbelief, but his expression slowly shifted to a proud smile.

“You really thought of all of that in the few seconds you had?” Ford asked, sounding impressed.

Dipper simply shrugged. “It’s kind of what I do. That, and hit things.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad you didn’t try to hit me,” Ford said with a chuckle. “You really are bright for your age, Dipper.”

The boy looked away, trying not to grin at the praise. “... Anyway, what’s our plan now?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about the thought encryption,” Ford said. “We sat around there for the better part of a day and barely any progress was made. It doesn’t seem like a very practical method of protection for the whole family.”

Dipper nodded. “And it’s not like it would stop Bill from possessing other people and getting to us like that.”

“Precisely,” Ford agreed. “And so I go back to my original plan: We need to Bill-proof the Shack itself.”

“A safe zone from Bill  _ would _ be more useful,” Dipper said. “But how do we do that?”

“Without the unicorn hair the protection spell won’t work,” Ford explained. “But I was thinking we might be able to repurpose the mind-scanning device. Your idea for broadcasting the memory gun’s mind-altering wavelength over the federal agents’ earpieces made me think. What if we could broadcast a field of the encrypting wavelength around the Shack? It could prevent Bill from entering the minds of anyone on the premises! Of course, it would take a lot of power to maintain twenty-four/seven. And I’m concerned using the device in this way might bring unwanted side-eff-”

“Did someone say ‘unicorn hair’!?”

The two guys flinched as Mabel suddenly and loudly slammed her fist down on the table. They both looked and saw Mabel was joined by Candy, Grenda, and Wendy. They all looked roughed up, and had patches of rainbow-colored fluids staining their clothes.

“... About thirty seconds too late,” Dipper said as he took another drink from his soda, unperturbed by the sight.

“Dang it!” Mabel exclaimed. “That would have been perfect. Either way, we got some unicorn hair!”

At that, Dipper and Ford realized the fist that had struck the table was clenching a rather large clump of the mystical hair.

“Also some unicorn tears,” Candy added, “unicorn eyelashes-”

“They finally gave us this treasure just to get rid of us!” Grenda said as she dumped a chest full of gold and jewels onto the table.

“It... can’t be!” Ford marveed as he saw the neon fibers. “This is a great day, girls! With this unicorn hair, we should be able to completely shield the Shack from Bill’s mind-reading tricks!”

“Is it okay?” Mabel asked, somewhat bashfully.

“Better than okay, it’s perfect!” Ford said, elated as he patted Mabel’s head fondly. “You’ve protected your family. You’re a good person, Mabel.”

The girl beamed at her grunkle with one of the biggest smiles she’d ever worn. After the day she’d had, she needed that.

“Thanks, Grunkle Ford,” Mabel said happily. “But today I learned that morality is relative.”

Before anyone could respond to that, Stan ran through the room yelling, “MONEY!” as he scooped up the treasure chest in his arms.

Dipper took a sip from his soda. ‘...  _ Well, this has been a day. _ ’

 

**20-24   1-8-21-0   11-19-21   9-25-7-14   11-19   15-0-5-19**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, everybody. Welcome back to this thing that uploaded a little early, apparently. I got this thing finished up a day early, and since my Monday is going to be pretty busy, figured I would upload it now. Precrastinating for the win!
> 
> But yeah, we have one of those chapters that I kind of needed to do for character establishment and plot, but isn't very different from the actual episode. The biggest change I made was removing Mabel's part of the story. I did that because first off, it was pretty boring. Secondly, you try choreographing a fight scene between humans and freaking unicorns. How do you get an interesting fight out of a person and a horse? I have no idea.
> 
> Other than that, not much to say this time. That seems to be a trend now, doesn't it? Well that won't be the case next time. I mentioned a while back that I had something special planned coming up. While I don't want to give the surprise away just yet, you should know that it relies on reader participation. More on that next week.
> 
> With that said, thank you for reading. Feel free to leave any likes or dislikes you have in the comments, I always appreciate tips for what I can improve on. Have a great day.


	29. Entropy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY HEY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT THING IN THE END NOTES PLEASE READ!!!!!!!

What’s the worst way you can imagine being woken up? House on fire? Pig being dropped on your head? An overly prissy midget blasting a hole in the wall and going down on your home with a wrecking ball? Dipper was fairly familiar with all of these, and yet being violently ripped into the waking world by Mr. Upside-Downington was still probably his least favorite.

“ **M** o **r** n **i** n’,  **D** i **p** p **e** r!” Mabel said in a deeper, sillier voice than normal as she had a poorly drawn face on the underside of her chin. “Guess who!”

For his guess, Dipper shoved his pillow into his sister’s face and ducked under his covers.

“ _ Why…? _ ” the tired boy groaned.

“ **C’** m **o** n  **D** i **p** p **e** r,  **y** o **u** d **i** d **n’** t  **g** u **e** s **s!** ” Mabel said, unperturbed by the pillow in her face.

“Four years…” her brother muttered. “FOUR YEARS I went without this crap, and you just HAD to break that streak…!”

“ **B** u **t** n **o** w  **I’** m  **b** a **c** k,” Mabel went on. “ **A** n **d** I’ **m** h **e** r **e** t **o** d **e** l **i** v **e** r  **y** o **u** a **n** u **p** s **i** d **e-** d **o** w **n** i **n** g **t** o **n-** t **a** s **t** i **c** m **e** s **s** a **g** e!”

“Is it the message that we’re getting too old for this sort of thing…?” Dipper grumbled.

“Um, kinda, actually,” Mabel said, voice returning to normal. “It’s that we are exactly one week away from our thirteenth birthday!”

Dipper’s head suddenly poked out of the sheets, the boy much more awake. “Already?”

Mabel nodded excitedly. “Soon we’re gonna be actual teenagers! Finally, I can stop reading preteen magazines and start reading post-preteen magazines!”

“I can forget about having to sneak into PG-13 movies, and start focusing on sneaking into rated R movies,” Dipper said, grinning.

“And just one more year until high school,” Mabel added. “High school, Dipper! Where girls become women and they teach us stuff about...  _ You know what. _ ”

Dipper blinked. “… I’m just gonna assume you aren’t talking about what I think you are.”

“Are you thinking about trigonometry?” Mabel inquired.

“... Sure, why not?” Dipper agreed.

“Woo!” Mabel cheered. “Twin telepathy!”

“That’s not the only good news coming up!” Stan declared as he and Soos burst into the room. “In one week my senior citizen’s ponytail kit is coming in the mail. I’m...I’m kinda going through some things…”

“In one week, my grandma is finally letting me eat crackers on my bed!” Soos added proudly. “The future is coming for us all, dudes.”

“The future!” Stan chanted.

“The future!” Mabel cheered.

“Why were you two outside our door listening in on us?” Dipper asked the adults.

“Uh, dudes?” Soos asked. “Why does Mabel have a second face?”

“ **W** h **a** t  **s** e **c** o **n** d  **f** a **c** e,  **S** o **o** s?” asked “Mr. Upside-Downington”.

“You’re freakin’ me out, Girl-Dude!”

Dipper groaned, wishing he could get back to sleep.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht gnivil moor elbat…_ **

 

“Alright, party planners,” Mabel announced to the group before her. “In one week we become teenagers, and our summer vacation winds to an end. So we need to throw the greatest party of all time! I’m talking piñatas with tinier piñatas inside.”

“Boom,” Soos said as he put little piñatas into a larger piñata, “dreams comin’ true!”

“I’m talking inviting everyone in town,” Mabel continued. “Let’s see… Hey Dipper, where do we stand with the gnomes?”

“Not so fast, goofus and girl-goofus,” Stan said. “After that zombie incident, no one’s throwing another party at my house. I keep finding little bits of the undead in the couch cushions.”

“But Grunkle Stan, we need some roof to raise!” Mabel begged, about to break out her puppy-dog eyes.

“Dude, you could rent out the Gravity Falls High School gym, and have your party there,” Soos suggested. “That place is empty all summer long.”

“The gym’s a great idea, Soos,” Mabel said. “To the high school!”

But before Mabel could drag her brother and Soos off on her party-planning mission, the house shook and they heard a muffled booming sound.

“Dipper!” Ford cried from another room. “My face is on fire!”

The boy looked to his sister with a somewhat confused expression, before running off to help.

“Great-Uncle Ford, are you okay?” Dipper asked as he entered the old man’s room.

“Oh yes, I’m fine,” Ford said as he patted down patches of fire on his face with a towel. “I just said that to make sure you’d come in here quickly.”

“... But your face IS on fire?” Dipper commented.

“Yes, it’s much faster than shaving,” Ford answered simply. “Now, listen, Dipper. I have a very important mission, and you are the only one who can help me. Remember the rift in dimensional space-time I showed you?”

Dipper nodded as the old man pulled out the snowglobe of the apocalypse. “Of course I- Oh. That’s not good.”

Ford nodded, eyeing the hairline fracture beginning to form in the glass case. “It’s cracking. This is what Bill has been waiting for. If it breaks, it will cause reality as we know it to completely unravel. A hypothetical and catastrophic event I call ‘Weirdmageddon’. Bill is out there, and he’d use any trick, from deception to outright possession, to make this happen. But for the sake of humanity, we mustn’t let it.”

“What do we do?” Dipper asked.

“We have to patch the rift,” Ford answered as he packed the rift away in his bag. “I’ll explain on the way.”

“Wait,” Dipper said, “what about Mabel?”

“It’s okay, Dipper,” Mabel spoke, poking her head through the doorway at her mention. “You should totally go with Grunkle Ford to save the world or whatever.”

“You sure?” the boy asked.

“We’re going to be doing birthday junk all week,” Mabel dismissed. “I’ll taking care of the boring set up stuff today. Besides, I packed us walkie-talkies. Here’s one for my party mission, and one for your smarty mission.”

Dipper chuckled as he took his talkie, shoving it in his backpack. Meanwhile, Ford cleared his throat loudly.

“I did mention that the fate of the universe is at stake, didn’t I?” he said as he pulled Dipper away. “Hurry, we haven’t much time.”

Dipper waved goodbye and Mabel waved in kind, each ready to carry out their own missions.

 

**_… retaL, ta eht hgih loohcs…_ **

 

Mabel and Soos walked into the high school gymnasium and were surprised to see the large room filled out with teenagers.

“Whoa, Soos, I thought you said this place was empty?” Mabel said as she surveyed the not empty room.

“My dawgs, what up?”

The two turned and saw a familiar redhead waving at them as she stood in line.

“Wendy?” Mabel asked. “What are you doing here?”

“Ugh,” the teen grumbled, “high school registration…”

“Ooh!” Mabel gushed at the mention. “You know I’m only a year away from high school myself. Would you say your experience is more rom-com, or wacky romp?”

“More like teen horror movie!” Wendy exclaimed. “High school is the worst. Classes get super hard, your body just flat out turns against you, and worst of all, everybody hates you.”

At the statement, Mabel looked around and saw several student arguing with each other and getting into fights.

“... Why aren’t they singing about following their dreams?” Mabel asked, disheartened. “TV taught me that high school was like some sort of musical.”

“TV lied, man!” Wendy exclaimed. “If you could avoid growing up, do it. I’d give anything to be twelve again… Anyway, what are you guys doing here?”

“O-Oh…” Mabel chuckled sadly. “Just… looking for a place to have my 13th birthday party…”

“Wendy… Borduroy?” one of the teachers called out. “I-I mean Corduroy?”

Wendy’s cheeks burned with embarrassment as the entire auditorium laughed at what she was sure would be a nickname that would last for at least one semester. “See what I mean?”

With that, Wendy walked off, and a considerably less enthusiastic Mabel made her way to the principal’s office. After getting the okay to hold the party in the gym, Mabel and Soos made their way out of the building.

“Master Mabel to Dippidy Dog,” the girl spoke into her walkie-talkie. “We can have our party at the gym, but we gotta talk about high school. Starting to think it might not be the awesome future we were expecting. Over.”

“I’m going through a bad patch, Mabel,” her brother’s garbled voice came in over the device. “We’ll talk when I get back.”

“Dipper?” Mabel tried. “Come in, come in?”

“Hey, I know what’ll make you feel better,” Soos said. “Let’s deliver some invites to your friends, huh?”

“Y-Yeah!” Mabel agreed, putting the walkie away. “Let’s go!”

Mabel smiled, still envisioning the fun to be had in spite of her friend’s warnings about the future. But even she couldn’t keep a perfect smile when she saw the letters on the school’s sign, which had been changed to read, “NO ESCAPE.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Mabel?” Dipper tried on the walkie-talkie. “Mabel, you there? Ugh.”

“Listen, Dipper,” Ford said, getting the boy’s attention. “In order to seal the rift for good, it’s going to take an adhesive stronger than anything on earth. Something...extraterrestrial in origin.”

Dipper quirked an eyebrow, curious. “What do you mean?”

“Dipper, look at the peculiar shape made by those cliffs,” Ford said as they came to a stop on the top of a fairly tall hill. “Does it remind you of anything?”

Dipper squinted at the sight. He’d seen the odd shape of the cliff nearly every day he was in the falls. He had always thought they were bizarre, and possibly man-made. But there was no record of the town ever making the peculiar shapes, so he didn’t-

Dipper’s eyes widened, the truth clicking into place in his mind. “No way…”

Ford smiled, and dangled a UFO key-chain so that it seemed to perfectly line up with the cracks in the cliffs. “Way.”

A stunned chuckle found its way out of the young boy, corners of his lips slowly turning up into a smile.

“According to my research,” Ford explained, “the entire valley of Gravity Falls was formed when an extraterrestrial object crash-landed here millions of years ago. Did this craft cause the town’s strange properties? Or did the town’s strange properties attract the craft? The answer is still unknown.”

“But, that’s crazy!” Dipper exclaimed, at a loss for the momentous discovery he’d been privy to. “Where did the saucer go?”

“Sometimes the strangest things in the world are right under our noses,” Ford said as he pushed aside a rock and revealed a hatch in the hill they were on. “And our feet, in this particular instance. Now you might wanna stand back.”

Dipper did as he was instructed as Ford pulled out a high-tech gun from his coat.

“This magnet gun can rip the fillings out of a man’s mouth from 100 feet,” Ford explained, readying the device.

Dipper watched as his great-uncle used the magnet gun to rip open the hatch.

“I used to raid this thing for parts for years,” Ford explained as he holstered his weapon. “Where do you think I got the materials to build my portal?”

Dipper nodded. “Yeah, I guess that would… yeah.”

“Now come,” Ford said as he tossed a spare magnet gun to Dipper. “Take this.”

Dipper caught the device, still taking in the fact that aliens were real, apparently.

“Don’t worry, I’ve been down here countless times,” Ford said as he began climbing down into the ship. “All the aliens have been dead for millions of years. Probably.”

Dipper took a deep breath, trying to get his awestruck reaction under control. This was a mission to save the entire universe. It was business time. The countless questions forming in his mind at the knowledge that they weren’t alone in the universe could wait for later. Strapping his magnet gun to his hip, Dipper started his own climb down the towering ladder and descended into the depths of the ship.

As Dipper slowly went down the ladder behind Ford, he couldn’t help but marvel at the cavernous space of the ship’s interior. If this was simply the center, then the flat of the saucer must stretch under… the entire town, probably.

“I can’t believe there’s been a giant UFO under the town this whole time,” Dipper spoke, unable to keep the grin off of his face for more than a few seconds at a time.

“I wish my mind could be where yours is right now, Dipper,” Ford said as he reached the floor. “When confirmation of extraterrestrials still had that punch. Now it’s just sort of ‘eh.’ McGucket and I used to come down here all the time to raid their tech and study their language.”

As Dipper dropped off the last few rungs of the ladder, he landed with a thud and took in as much of the surroundings as he could. At the sight of some alien writing on one of the walls, he quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. With the memento saved, Dipper quickly caught up to Ford and followed him through the ancient structure.

“The substance we need to seal the rift is an alien adhesive,” Ford explained as he reached a ledge that had to be at least fifty or sixty feet tall. “Strong enough to keep the hull of a spacecraft together. Just one dollop of this adhesive should be enough to seal a crack in space-time. Also, if it touches you it will seal up all the orifices in your face, so try to avoid that. Now, use your magnet gun and follow me. Hup!”

Before Dipper could ask what the old adventurer meant, Ford leapt off the ledge. He fired his magnet gun at a metal support pillar before him, and let the device pull him toward it. The magnetic beam wasn’t strong enough to pull completely against gravity, but it was strong enough to slow the old man’s decent and keep him against the pillar as he spiraled down to the floor below. Ford deactivated the magnet gun just as he touched down, and he skidded to a stop with practiced ease.

Dipper looked on in awe of what he’d just seen, and quickly realized he was expected to do the same.

“Your turn!” Ford called up. “Say, ‘Hup!’ It helps! Oh, also! Make sure you dial back the strength of the magnet a stage! You’re a bit lighter than me!”

“Oh, right…” Dipper said, adjusting the settings accordingly.

After taking a breath to calm his nerves, Dipper jumped. He mimicked his great-uncle’s actions almost to a tee, and found that the act of descent was surprisingly intuitive. Hold the gun tight, use your legs to adjust your weight distribution, use the friction from your feet to control the speed of descent. It all came to him fairly easily, despite never having attempted anything like this before. After a few seconds of pretending he was Batman, Dipper landed in front of his great-uncle, smiling the whole while.

“Wow…” he panted. “That was…”

“A rush?” Ford guessed, smiling himself. “No matter how many times I do it, it never gets old. And you handled it like a natural, kid.”

Dipper looked away, still grinning. He wasn’t used to getting praise from anyone other than Mabel, and after the daring stunt he felt energized like nothing else.

With a great sense of accomplishment, Dipper followed Ford deeper into the alien craft.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Mabel gave a few quick knocks on Grenda’s front door, smiling with anticipation.

“Oh hi, Mabel!” Grenda greeted as she answered the door with Candy. “You’re just in time for our one o’clock boy talk.”

“If you think that’s good… Boom!” Mabel declared as she whipped out party invites. “Me and Dipper’s thirteenth birthday jam!”

“Aw, man…” Grenda mumbled sadly as she saw the date. “Your birthday’s on the last day of summer? I’m not gonna be here…”

“What?” Mabel asked, confused.

“Marius is flying me out to Austria to hang out in his castle or whatever that week…” Grenda said as she looked away. “He’s so clingy!”

“You’re gonna be out of town for my birthday?” Mabel asked, trying to hide her hurt. “But at least you can come, right, Candy?”

“Sorry, Mabel…” Candy answered. “My parents send me to music camp this time of year. There is no escape from music camp.”

“So neither of you are gonna be at my birthday party?” Mabel asked. “And you won’t be able to wish me goodbye at the end of the summer?”

Candy nodded. “I’m sorry, Mabel…”

“Summer happened so fast…” Grenda said, before her phone went off. “Ugh, Marius! Now’s not the time!”

“I think I need to radio for emotional back-up…” Mabel said as she pulled out her walkie-talkie. “Dipper, please come in. Our party mission is going down in flames. Over.”

Mabel sighed, static her only response.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“The glue should be around here somewhere, so keep your eyes peeled,” Ford said as he and Dipper began searching a room full of spare ship parts. “... Dipper, let me ask you something. Have you thought much about your future?”

“My future?” Dipper asked as he sifted through a pile of ship panels. “Not really. I mean, I know I want to go to a good school, try for some academic and sports scholarships. Other than that, I’ve really just been living in the moment. Take life one day at a time, you know?”

“I’m familiar with that mindset,” Ford said with a nod. “That was how I lived while traveling the multiverse. I didn’t have any better options. But that isn’t you, Dipper. A boy your age, with your talents, has a bright future ahead of him.”

Dipper chuckled, though not do to any humor. “Yeah… A bright future…”

Ford looked at him, curious. “You disagree?”

Dipper shrugged. “I dunno… Anything’s possible, right? But I don’t go to a great school, and… well, let’s just say that short of a full-ride, I don’t think college is in the cards. And I don’t think too many colleges would be eager to give a punk who got into a bunch of fights a free pass to top-tier education.”

“Ah yes, the ‘Milk Carton Incident’?” Ford inquired. “Stanley told me about that a while back. I must say, a part of me is impressed at your creativity.”

Dipper smirked, despite himself. “Guess Stan forgot to mention it was Mabel who did that with the carton.”

“ _ Really? _ ” Ford asked, clearly having trouble reconciling the image of sweet Mabel with what he’d heard.

Dipper nodded.

Ford hummed. “Well, back to my point. If you don’t have much of a plan, then might you be open to something… out of the box?”

The younger boy turned to face his great-uncle. “‘Out of the box’ how, exactly?”

“Dipper, I’ve been thinking,” Ford said with a sudden level of seriousness. “I’m getting too old to investigate Gravity Falls on my own. I need to train an apprentice to help me fight monsters, solve mysteries, and protect this town. And I think I’d- Well, I’d like to keep it in the family.”

Dipper blinked, not believing what he’d thought he’d heard for a moment. “What are you saying?”

“I’ve read your additions to my journal and I’m impressed with your potential,” Ford explained. “And the way you handled yourself when you thought I’d been possessed by Bill? As a child you already have a level of maturity I didn’t get until being flung through the multiverse. I guess what I’m asking is, what would you say to staying in Gravity Falls after the summer ends and becoming my apprentice?”

Dipper smiled, picturing the idea. Living in Gravity Falls all year. Getting to stay with his new friends, the only friends he’d ever really had. Going on adventures with the Author, his own great-uncle, all the time. Learning more than anyone before him ever had, unraveling the greatest mysteries of the multiverse. Being a hero, actually making a difference. Finally doing something where his propensity for punching things would be beneficial, not just to him, but to others as well. It all sounded too good to be true. But then, as Dipper had learned, if something sounded too good to be true then it usually was. And he already saw a major issue with this proposed future.

“What about Mabel?” the boy asked.

“Mabel will be fine on her own,” Ford dismissed. “She has a magnetic personality. I watched her become pen pals with the pizza delivery man in the sixty seconds he was at the door.”

Dipper frowned. “Sorry, but my answer’s no.”

Ford blinked. “Really? Just like that?”

Dipper nodded. “Mabel and I have been together through thick and thin. There’s no way I’m leaving her now and sending her back alone to-”

Dipper cut himself off, not wanting to finish the statement. Unfortunately for him, Ford caught the near slip, and was concerned.

“I’ve, ah…” the old man started uncomfortably. “Never heard you or Mabel talk about your parents.”

“Yeah, well there’s a reason for that…” Dipper muttered. “Can we talk about something else? Please?”

Ford looked away for a moment, before turning back to the boy.

“You know…” the old adventurer spoke. “Mabel  _ does _ seem to be enjoying herself here in Gravity Falls. She has a lot of friends here, friends I’m… guessing she doesn’t have back in Piedmont?”

Dipper looked back to his great-uncle, hopeful.

“I don’t think she’d be well suited to be my apprentice too,” Ford clarified. “But if she wanted to stay with you while you work with me, I suppose there wouldn’t be anything wrong with that.”

Dipper beamed at Ford, feeling for the first time in a long while tears welling up. “You… you really mean that?”

Ford nodded. “My house is your house. Both of you.”

Dipper felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from his shoulders. No, from his very soul. They… they didn’t have to go back. They could stay in Gravity Falls. Dipper could keep exploring the impossible. Mabel could stay with people who actually cared about her. They could be happy. They could get away from  _ them _ .

They could have a future.

“I-” Dipper started, before something caught his eye. “Great-Uncle Ford, is this it?”

Dipper held up a hexagonal panel with a neon purple goop on it, careful not to touch the slime, and when Ford saw it he grinned.

“Ha!” he exclaimed. “Yes! Dipper, you’ve found the adhesive!”

Both were elated, both at their plans for the future and the fact that their mission was a success. Unfortunately, they didn’t get much of a chance to celebrate. Just as Ford bagged the adhesive in a specially made Zip-lock bag, the two heard a sudden sound of clunking and mechanical humming.

And the sound was getting closer.

Ford quickly drew his magnet gun, and Dipper followed suite moments later.

“You said everything in here is dead, right?” the boy asked, eyes darting around for any potential threat.

“Yes…” Ford said, also on the lookout. “Unless somehow we’ve reactivated the- Security system!”

As soon as the words were spoken, two floating orbs appeared from a hallway. Each orb was large, bigger than Ford. And based on the little symbol each bore that was facing the human intruders, they were very aware of the trespassers’ presence.

“What do we do?!” Dipper whispered harshly, aiming his magnet gun at one.

“Listen to me very carefully,” Ford spoke in a steady tone. “I’ve studied these. They’re security droids and they detect adrenaline. You simply have to not feel any fear and they won’t see you.”

Dipper nodded. He took in deep breaths and cleared his mind as best he could. He began thinking of a slow and steady drum beat. Something he’d learned a while back was that a person could slow their heart-rate just by willing it. Your heart won’t respond to words or commands, but by thinking of the speed you want your heart to beat at, you can control it to some extent. Combine that with some deep breathing to steady the nerves, and keeping your thoughts clear and focused is fairly straightforward.

Deep breath in through the nose, big breath out through the mouth. Scan the robots, look at the surrounding. Take inventory of everything around. Keep the adrenaline down. Keep calm.

After a few seconds the robots hadn’t advanced, but they were still present and looking at the two humans.

“Are we okay?” Dipper asked, glancing at his great-uncle out of the corner of his eye.

“They’re detecting minor amounts of adrenaline,” Ford explained, his gaze steady. “Not enough to act, but enough to draw their attention. Just stay calm.”

Ford slowly reached into his pack and pulled out both the rift and the bag with the adhesive.

“What are you doing?” Dipper stage-whispered as the objects were placed in his backpack.

“We need to take out the guard robots,” Ford said. “I think I can handle it, but if something goes wrong, you’ll need to patch the rift up without me.”

“What!?” Dipper hissed. “But Grunkle Ford-!”

“Stay calm!” Ford interrupted. “Sealing the rift is what’s most important here. Now stay back.”

Dipper ground his teeth, struggling to maintain his heart-rate. The robots began floating ever-so-slightly closer to him. It seemed he was letting more adrenaline through. This turned out to be beneficial though, as it provided something for the security droid to focus on that wasn’t the old man sneaking around behind them. Ford switch his magnet gun into pulse mode, and took aim at one of the droids. Seeing that they were getting much to close to Dipper, Ford sped up his breathing, flooding his system with adrenaline.

“Hey, scrap for brains!” he shouted.

The two machines spun around. As quick as could be, Ford fired an EMP blast at one of them. The disruptive pulse shorted out the machine, causing it to crash to the floor. Ford was about to fired at the second one, but the robot had identified the weapon and shot out a lightning fast steel tentacle. It swatted the weapon out of Ford’s hand, and latched onto the old adventurer, attempting to capture him.

Despite being the backup plan in case of emergency, Dipper panicked at the sight of his great-uncle being sealed inside the mechanical floating orb. Thinking fast, he fired his magnet gun at the ceiling just above the security drone, turning the power up as high as it would go. The force ripped him off the ground at lightning speeds, flinging him at the retreating robot. Dipper released the trigger as he soared through the air and swapped his weapon to pulse mode. Just as he passed over the machine, Dipper fired an EMP right into the mechanical guard.

The orb fell to the ground, sputtering and smoking. Dipper braced his feet and landed, skidding several feet but managing to maintain his balance. With his own magnet gun set to repel, Ford blasted apart the robot, tearing a hole out of the mobile prison.

“Great-Uncle Ford!” Dipper exclaimed as he ran over to the old man. “Are you okay?!”

“Yes, yes,” Ford said as he picked himself up. “I thought I was a goner. Good work with the magnet gun, Dipper. I knew you have what it takes to be my apprentice.”

Dipper smiled, a bit bashful at the praise. “Thanks.”

“Now come on,” Ford said. “Let’s get out of here before any more of these decide to turn on.”

 

**_… retaL, ni eht citta fo eht kcahS…_ **

 

“Mabel!” Dipper called as he burst up into their attic bedroom, setting his backpack next to his sister’s. “You’ll never believe this, I just had the best day of my life! UFOs are real and there’s one under the town and I saved Great Uncle Ford’s life and- and…”

Dipper trailed off as he saw the state his sister was in. laying down on her bed, facing away from him. She hadn’t reacted to his entry at all. She seemed sad, dejected even. What could have gotten the ever upbeat Mabel so upset?

“Are you okay?” Dipper asked, concerned.

“You weren’t serious, right?”

The boy looked confused. “What do you-?”

Mabel finally sat up and turned around, holding her walkie-talkie in her hands.

“Ford’s apprentice?” Mabel asked. “Seriously?”

“No, it’s okay!” Dipper insisted. “I already talked to Ford about it, and he said it’s okay for you to stay here too. You can go to Gravity Falls Middle School with Candy and Grenda, and-”

“Dipper, c’mon!” Mabel interrupted. “You know we can’t stay here!”

The boy looked at his sister, baffled. “I thought you’d be happy, you love it here! You have friends here! Why  _ wouldn’t _ you want to stay?!”

“Of course I love it here!” Mabel responded, seeing to get more agitated as Dipper failed to see the obvious. “But Gravity Falls isn’t home, Dipper! Home is in Piedmont, with Mom and Dad!”

Dipper stared at the girl before him as if she’d grown a second head. “You want to go back to  _ them? _ ”

“I know Mom and Dad aren’t the best parents in the world,” Mabel conceded, “but they’re still our parents. We can’t just leave them!”

“Why not!?” Dipper asked. “What have they done for us!? Leave us to fend for ourselves!? Ship us out to the middle of nowhere just so they wouldn’t have to deal with us for a few months!? Force us to learn how to take care of ourselves just in case our mother decided to start using  _ US _ as her new punching bags instead of Dad!?!”

“I KNOW, DIPPER!” Mabel shouted with a sudden ferocity that surprised the boy. “I lived all of that too! But they’re still our family, Dipper! Things can get better, we just have to keep trying!”

“No, they won’t!” Dipper shouted back. “How much more of their crap will we have to deal with before you finally realize that there isn’t any ‘saving’ our family! It’s a steaming pile of neglect and abuse, and the only way to ‘fix’ it is to blow it all to kingdom come!”

“Have you ever thought maybe that’s why everything’s so terrible!?” Mabel asked, getting angrier.

“This isn’t my fau-!”

“No!” Mabel interrupted bitterly. “No, I’ve been trying! For YEARS I’ve been doing everything I can to make you, Mom, Dad, everyone happy! While you’ve been sulking and angsting I’ve been trying to hold our family together! And maybe if you didn’t just give up on our parents and actually tried to-!”

“I wasn’t the one that gave up!”

That stopped Mabel dead in her tracks. “... What?”

“N-Nothing…” Dipper said, voice suddenly failing him as he looked away.

“No,” Mabel said, not willing to let the matter drop. “What did you mean, you weren’t the one that gave up?”

“Nothing, I just-”

“Don’t try to pull that crap with me, Dipper!” Mabel shouted. “What did you mean!?”

After everything that had happened, the emotional highs and lows, and the anger he felt thinking about his parents, what Dipper had been trying to avoid for months finally happened.

He snapped.

“They’re getting a divorce, okay!?!”

Mabel blinked. It took her a few seconds to process what she’d heard. To make sure it had really been said. And when she was certain, her shoulders sagged. The girl huddled over a little, curling in on herself.

“Why would you say that…?” Mabel asked, her arms pulling in over her chest. “Why would you make up something like that…?”

“Mabel, it’s true,” Dipper grumbled.

“N-No…”

“Why do you think they sent us up here? They’re trying to get things worked out without us around.”

“No…”

“Mabel-”

“You can’t know that!” Mabel cried. “How could you know that, huh!? Maybe they’re just-!”

“I overheard them talking about it.”

That stopped Mabel dead. “... What?”

“A few weeks before we got in that fight at school,” Dipper confessed. “I had to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I overheard Dad threatening to divorce her. She said that if he tried she’d use every legal loophole in the book to make sure she got total custody. They got into it even more after that.”

Mabel shook her head with her watering eyes closed, apparently no longer having any words.

“I listened to a voicemail on the house phone later,” Dipper continued. “It was a divorce lawyer for Mom. Went through Dad’s cell a while back and he had similar calls. So yeah, I’m not the one that gave up on our family. They gave up a long time ago.”

“ _... You knew…! _ ” Mabel sobbed out, no longer able to even look at her brother. “ _ You knew that this whole time! Before summer even started! You knew about that for MONTHS and never told me! You let me go and… and have hope that things would be better when you knew they wouldn’t! _ ”

“Mabel-” Dipper tried, before getting cut off.

“ _ What happened to sticking together, huh!? Having each other’s back, no matter what!? _ ”

“I…” Dipper tried as he approached his sister and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I was just trying to-”

The boy was silenced by Mabel suddenly slamming her fist into his gut. Dipper dropped to his knees, wheezing as the air was violently forced from his lungs. As he clutched his stomach in pain, Mabel ran away, grabbing for her backpack as she ran down the stairs and out of the house.

Dipper stared at the stairway, wondering how in the world he was going to try fixing this.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Mabel ran through the forest, vision blurred from the tears streaming down her face. Once she felt like she was far enough away, she came to a stop and planted herself down next to a tree.

Everything that Dipper had said, how could it be true? Her parents were giving up, Dipper had given up. Was she the only one that still cared about her stupid family?! Still wanted what everyone else had? Good brother, loving parents, a family pet to play with?

Mabel scoffed. How dumb had she been? To ever think that she would get to have a nice, normal family? Her folks were either awful parents or awful people, and Dipper apparently thought so little of her that he didn’t even tell her something that she had every right to know about.

Mabel had always held out hope that she could fix her family, that she could bring everyone together. That someday, they could all be happy together. She just had to be more supportive, more positive. If she was, it would spread to her parents eventually, wouldn’t it? That’s what those speakers at school had always said. That positivity was contagious, so they needed to spread it. She’d tried,  _ so hard _ to spread positivity in her family. But it hadn’t worked. Everything was falling apart. She was going to leave Gravity Falls, leave her friends and grunkles behind, and go back to a mess of a family that no one else seemed to think was worth saving.

She reached into her bag, deciding to try drowning her misery in party chocolate that she apparently wasn’t going to need, but was surprised when she couldn’t find any.

“What?” Mabel muttered as she saw the packpack’s contents. “Nerd books? Chewed up pens? Ugh, wrong backpack…”

Mabel shoved the pack away, pulling her knees to her chest as she wallowed in her emotional turmoil. Her dreams of a happy family were dead. Her vision of a better tomorrow for them all were destroyed completely. Now she was rushing to a future that she didn’t want, but couldn’t avoid. Sure, they could stay with Ford, but while her adventurous grunkle was nice enough, it was Stan that the girl had really grown close to. And Ford had made it clear that he wanted his house back after the summer. He and Stan weren’t on the best terms in the first place. Just another set of bickering caretakers. But worse than that, Dipper would be off with Ford all the time, doing adventurey things. Mabel might’ve been good in a brawl, but she wasn’t like her brother. She wasn’t a mystery solver, or a grand adventurer. She just wanted a normal life.

Mabel scoffed. Maybe that had been the problem. Normal was awful. Normal was lies, and divorce, and pain. What she really wanted was some dream world that she now understood she’d never get. Where things could be good. A future she’d never have.

“I wish there was some way…” Mabel muttered. “Some way to change my future…”

“That might be possible!”

Mabel looked up, checking to see who was there. The voice was familiar, but she couldn’t quite place it. That is, until she saw it’s sweaty, rotund source.

“The time travel guy?” Mabel asked, completely blanking on his name and not caring enough to try to remember. “What are you doing here?”

“You said you want to change your future, right?” Blendin asked. “D-did-did I hear that right?”

“Yeah…?” Mabel responded hesitantly. “Why are you asking?”

“Look, maybe it’s against the rules,” Blendin said as he approached the sitting girl, “but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It’s called a Timeline Adjuster. It’s kind of like a-a more limited Time Wish that I can make for you. You can use it to change your future to whatever you want. You can make your own perfect happy ending!”

“R-Really?” Mabel asked hopefully as she wiped away her tears. “How do you make it?”

“I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle,” Blendin said as he used his holographic wrist watch to show an image of the interdimensional rift. “It’s something small. He won’t even know it’s missing.”

“Huh…” Mabel mumbled as she looked at the image of the snowglobe-looking thing. “Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd-bag…”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Ford sat in his lab, watching a machine of his synthesize more of the adhesive based on the sample he’d obtained. He heard the door open, and saw a downtrodden Dipper walking in with his backpack in tow and a hand over his stomach.

“What’s wrong?” Ford asked. “Did Mabel not take it well?”

“She…” Dipper started, before sighing. “I screwed up. She found out something I’d been hiding from her, and she didn’t take it well. If she has some time to… process, I think she’ll be okay with everything, but… I don’t know how good things will be with us after this.”

Ford let out a knowing hum as the adhesive finished synthesizing. “I’ve got some experience in that field. I wouldn’t worry too much, though. Mabel’s got a forgiving heart, and you two are closer than even Stanley and myself were when we were your age. But you can deal with that later. Right now we need to focus on the mission. Now come on, I’ve got the glue. Hand me the rift and let’s make history.”

Dipper nodded, opening his pack and blanching at what he saw.

“No!” he shouted as he pulled out Mabel’s party flyers. “THE RIFT!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

“Huh,” Mabel muttered as she pulled out the cosmic snowglobe. “That’s... odd. This it?”

“Yes, that’s it!” Bledin said happily. “Just hand it over and I’ll do my thing. You ready for your better future?”

Mabel looked at the trinket. It felt wrong to accidentally steal the thing and use it without permission, but… Images flashed through her mind of her parents happy together, and Waddles running around her home, and a Dipper she could trust and would have her back. Her resolve hardened, and she gave it to Blendin.

The time traveller smiled at the girl, before dropping the rift.

“Oops.”

“What?!” Mabel exclaimed.

Blendin laughed maniacally as he stomped on the globe, shattering the glass and allowing the rift to spill out from its confinement. Mabel realized with dread that Blendin’s laughter was starting to sound less like his own, and more like the laugh of someone else she knew.

The time traveler removed his goggles, revealing the glowing yellow eyes of Bill.

“Oh no!” Mabel cried. “Wait, wait, wait!”

Bill snapped Blendin’s fingers, and Mabel fell into unconsciousness. As her body hit the ground, Bill flew out of Blendin’s body, form flickering between the Mindscape and the real world as the rift spread into the sky.

“AT LAST!” Bill cackled as he floated up. “AT LONG, LONG LAST! THE GATEWAY BETWEEN WORLDS HAS OPENED! THE EVENT ONE BILLION YEARS PROPHESIED HAS FINALLY COME TO PASS! THE DAY HAS COME! THE WORLD IS FINALLY MINE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

The people of Gravity Falls watched in confusion and terror as a gigantic tear formed in the sky over their town. The winds blew as the unstable vision of the cackling demon triangle ascended to his hole to the Nightmare Realm.

Dipper and Ford ran out of the Mystery Shack, each bearing witness to the chaos unfolding. They boy paled at what he saw, incoming devastation on a scale never before seen.

“Is that…?” he asked, unable to finish the sentence.

Ford nodded, eyes locked with dread on the giant multi-colored crucifix forming in the heavens.

“It’s the end of the world.”

 

**21-24-10-11-24   8-11-9-21-19-11-25   9-14-7-21-25**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Well then.
> 
> That happened.
> 
> Hey, everyone, welcome back to Depression Station, I guess. Before we get to the not-so-fun facts, I have something very important to say. Next week the Weirdmageddon chapters will all get posted. While that is happening and this week, I'm going to be trying something. For a while now I've been wanting to do a Between the Pines-style chapter. Essentially just an out of story Q&A where I answer some questions about where the story is going to go once the recap is done, some theories you might have, just questions for me in general, etc. So what will happen is if you leave a comment with a question, I'll write it into the chapter and answer it. To that end, I won't be responding to any comments left in the next several chapters, and will instead be responding to them in this Q&A chapter. And since the Auto-Censor is now dead, I'll be able to answer questions a bit more freely than I normally do in the comments. Important note: I'll only be doing this if I get enough questions. If there aren't enough for what I feel would be a decent chapter, I'll be scrapping the idea. If you have ever wanted to ask any questions, now is the time. I'll be interested to see how this experiment goes.
> 
> With that said, we're finally at this part, and... well I feel pretty down now. I haven't previously put a whole lot of emphasis on Dipper and Mabel's parents, only briefly going over their failing relationship to show how it effected the twins. This puts the whole thing in a bit more of a spotlight, and it ruins my day just thinking about it.
> 
> Anyway, I'm interested to hear what everyone thought of this version of events. I didn't think there was any real reason this version of Dipper would ever leave Mabel behind, so I had to come up with something else to drive them apart. This also highlights a particular character flaw with Mabel that is apparent in the show but might not be so much here. In the show, Mabel is simply a head in the clouds child. She refuses to face reality and grow up. This version of Mabel is much more down to earth, so how did she ultimately fall into the same trap of running from reality? Because while this version of the character isn't immature to a fault, she IS optimistic to a fault. I've noticed that a common flaw in optimistic people is that they are so "optimistic" that they will deny reality to keep pretending everything is okay when it isn't. This is Mabel's problem here, which has ultimately lead her to the same place. But we'll get to that acid trip in a later chapter.
> 
> That's about everything. Please feel free to leave any and all questions you have in the comments, as well as any likes or dislikes you might have about this story. I really want this experiment I'm trying to work out, and I need your help to make it work. Thank you for reading, and-
> 
> Wait.
> 
> I just opened myself up to getting a bunch of questions about shipping, didn't I?
> 
> ... Crap.


	30. Weirdmageddon: Part 1

“ _ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _ ”

Laughter echoed through Gravity Falls, a gleeful cackle bringing forth disaster. The yellow triangle demon ascended the sky, form pushing its way into the dimension he sought to conquer.

“OH, IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING!” Bill exclaimed as muscle fibers began forming around him. “PHYSICAL FORM? DON’T MIND IF  _ I DO! _ ”

Metal encased Bill’s new fleshy body, solidifying his new form in reality. With a flash, the demon vanished, and the light stirred a dazed victim.

“Huh?!” Blendin exclaimed as he came to. “What just happened?”

Before he could fully get his bearings, he saw the unconscious Mabel before him float up into the air. A dark pink bubble encased her, emblazoned with her shirt’s shooting star symbol.

“Oh,” Blendin said, realizing what was going on. “Oh man. This is bad! This is real bad! We’ve got a situation!”

With that, Blendin warped into the future, hoping that they weren’t already too late to stop what was coming.

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Bill ascended over the sky, looking at the town before him. Gravity Falls was just the first step in his complete universal takeover. He relished the new car smell his body was fresh with. Now that Bill had a physical form in the dimension, he could use his powers to their fullest extent. The list of beings that could actually give him a challenge had just shrunk to near non-existence, and he was certain he could take the few remaining threats himself. Nothing left could stand up to him.

Bill was happy. Elated even. He finally had what he’d been waiting for since his own dimension started breaking down. As he looked down on the gathering townspeople looking up at him in dumb confusion, his spirits only soared higher. Why, he felt so good he could sing!

In fact...

“ _ TODAY’S JUST SO WONDERFUL, I FEEL LIKE CHUCKLING~ _ ” Bill sang out, creating some music with his powers.

“ _ AH HA HA HA~ _

_ I FEEL ALL FUZZY INSIDE LIKE A DUCKLING~ _

_ FULL OF TARANTULAS, AND NOW THAT I’M HERE~ _

_ TONIGHT, IT’S GONNA GET…~ _

_ WEIRD~! _

_ HA HA HA HA~! _ ”

Bill flew around the town, scaring the residents as he picked up a few animals.

“ _ LOOK AT THESE CREATURES~ _

_ NOT ENOUGH FEATURES~ _

_ CATS SHOULD BREATH FIRE~ _

_ BEARS SHOULD SING CHOIR~ _ ”

A bear the demon had picked up suddenly started humming a few bars, in time with the magic music of course.

“VERY NICE.

_ LOOK AT THIS TOWER~ _

_ UNDER MY POWER~ _

_ LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE~ _

_ PUNY AND FEEBLE~ _ ”

As the crowds tried fleeing from this unknown monstrosity, Bill zipper down in front of them, growing giant and cutting off their escape route.

“ **_LOOK,_ ** _ I’M JUST A TRIANGLE TRYING TO SAVE YOU~ _

_ FROM THE DELUSIONS SOCIETY GAVE YOU~ _

_ GRAVITY’S A LIE~ _

_ SO IS THE SKY~ _

_ TRUST IN THE ALL-SEEING, ALL-KNOWING  _ **_EYE~_ ** ”

The people began backing up, not sure what this unearthly being wanted from them.

“ _ LOOK AT THIS MONEY, _ ” Bill continued as he magicked himself a giant dollar bill and magnifying glass, “ _ WHO’S THAT, HONEY~? _

_ LOOK THROUGHOUT HISTORY, HOW COULD YOU MISS ME~? _

SERIOUSLY, I AM ALL OVER THE PLACE.

_ LOOK AT THIS WEATHER~ _

_ I COULD DO BETTER~ _

_ MANDELBROT RAINBOWS~! _

_ SCREAMING TORNADOES~! _ ”

Bill zipped over to the house of some guy who was just sitting in his house, not having noticed the apocalypse unfolding around him.

“ _ LOOK AT THIS LOSER, DRINKING COFFEE~ _ ” Bill went on as the man took a sip. “ _ NOW IT’S DECAF~! _ ”

The guy suddenly spit out his drink, and Bill laughed at the sight.

“ _ EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS DISAPPEARED~ _

_ IT’S GONNA GET WEIRD…~ _ ”

The gathered townsfolk looked on, stunned as the giant floating triangle creature shrunk back to his normal size and appeared before them again. He seemed to be waiting for applause or something, ready to take a bow for his performance. After a few seconds passed he realized he wasn’t going to get any, and simply shrugged.

“GUESS MY MUSICAL TALENT IS LOST ON THEM,” Bill said to himself, before addressing the gathered crowd. “ **ALRIGHT, LISTEN UP YOU ONE-LIFESPAN, THREE-DIMENSIONAL, FIVE-SENSE, SKIN PUPPETS!** FOR ONE-TRILLION YEARS I’VE BEEN TRAPPED IN MY OWN DECAYING DIMENSION, WAITING FOR A NEW UNIVERSE TO CALL MY OWN. NAME’S BILL! BUT YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR NEW LORD AND MASTER FOR ALL ETERNITY!”

To make official the new management of the world, Bill melted the statue of Nathaniel Northwest in the town plaza. That was how transitions of authority worked in this dimension, right?

“NOW MEET THE GANG OF INTERDIMENSIONAL CRIMINALS AND NIGHTMARES I CALL MY FRIENDS,” Bill said as a bunch of monsters began pouring out of the crack in the universe. “8-BALL! KRYPTOS! THE BEING WHOSE NAME MUST NEVER BE SAID! HAHA, WHAT THE HECK. IT’S ZANTHAR. THEN OF COURSE THERE’S ALSO TEETH, KEYHOLE, HECTORGON, AMORPHOUS SHAPE, PYRONICA, PACI-FIRE, AND THESE GUYS. THIS IS OUR TOWN NOW, BOYS!”

The various monsters laughed, and Tyler hesitantly approached the lead demon.

“N-Now see here, you unholy triangle fella,” Cutebiker spoke hesitantly. “As mayor, I strongly urge you to git… git on out of here!”

“Yeah!” Lazy Susan chimed in. “Things with one eye are weird!”

“We don’t like out-of-towners!” Grenda bellowed.

“We punch what we  **don’t understand!** ” Manly Dan roared as he ripped a mailbox in half.

“I would just like to say,” Preston Northwest said as he and his wife took a step forward, “that as a rich capitalist I welcome your tyrannical rule. Perhaps I could be one of your, uh... horsemen of the apocalypse?”

“Dad!” Pacifica exclaimed indignantly.

“Not now, sweetie,” Preston dismissed, “the grownups are talking.”

“OH WOW, THAT’S A GREAT OFFER…” Bill said with an eye roll. “HOW ‘BOUT INSTEAD I SHUFFLE THE FUNCTIONS OF EVERY HOLE IN YOUR FACE?”

With a snap of his new fingers, Preston’s eyes became ears, ears became noses, and mouth became an eye. The man fell to the ground, terrorized scream muffled through his eye-mouth. His wife and daughter recoiled in horror, and the crowd looked on in fear of the being before them.

As the first of them fled, everything became chaos. Bill laughed as his Eye-Bat minions began chasing them down. Deputy Durland was one of the first caught in the Eye-Bats’ beams, and was turned to stone. Blubs cried out as his deputy was carried off, and several other unlucky townsfolk with him.

“IT’S TIME WE DO A LITTLE REDECORATING,” Bill said. “I COULD REALLY USE A CASTLE OF SOME KIND.”

As the words were spoken, a gigantic black pyramid appeared in the sky before the dimensional fissure. Bill nodded, before looking back to the fleeing humans.

“AND HOW ABOUT SOME BUBBLES OF PURE MADNESS!”

With a snap of his fingers, some large colorful bubbles, almost looking of foam, appeared in the air. One passed over an old man, who immediately let out a guttural scream as he ripped apart his shirt.

“THIS PARTY NEVER STOPS!” Bill declared. “TIME IS DEAD AND MEANING HAS NO MEANING! EXISTENCE IS UPSIDE-DOWN AND I REIGN SUPREME! WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO  _ WEIRDMAGEDDON! _ ”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Dipper watched, speechless at the vision of horror before him. He watched the water tower come to life and run off with a roar. He watched the pyramid appear before the crack in the sky. He watch frightened Gnomes run past him as the end approached.

“Weirdmageddon…” Dipper muttered.

“The rift is shattered,” Ford said. “Bill’s world is spilling into ours and every minute his powers grow stronger.”

“Mabel!” Dipper exclaimed. “The rift must have cracked inside her backpack! She must be in danger, I have to go find her-!”

“Dipper!” Ford interrupted. “Listen to me. We can find your sister soon, but first we have to stop Bill. If we can blast him back through the rift he came out of, we just might be able to stop him before his weirdness spreads across the entire globe.”

“Is defeating Bill even possible anymore?” Dipper asked.

“I’m not sure,” Ford admitted. “But being a hero means fighting back even when it seems impossible. Will you follow me?”

Dipper looked at him, hesitant for a moment, before nodding. “... Yeah. Let’s save the world.”

“Let’s,” Ford said, before something over Dipper’s shoulder grabbed his attention. “We also might want to step inside.”

“Weirdness Wave!” one of the fleeing Gnomes shouted.

The two humans darted inside the Mystery Shack as a reality-rending wave washed over the whole town. The Shack was protected by the unicorn hair spell, but the rest of Gravity Falls wasn’t so lucky. Random objects transformed into monsters that began further terrorizing the citizens. Dipper saw Gompers the goat grow giant near the forest’s edge as he looked out from the window.

“Things will only get worse from here,” Ford said, seeing Dipper’s reaction. “Come on.”

 

**_… retaL, ta eht nwot erauqs…_ **

 

Dipper peeked out of the window, viewing the town square from the top of the clock tower. Bill and his monsters were still hanging around, not a care in the world. Their guard was down.

The perfect time to strike.

“Scale of one to ten,” Dipper said as he turned back to Ford. “How likely is this to work?”

“Probably an eight,” the old man responded and he put together a bulky sci-fi looking rifle. “I designed this thing specifically for Bill.”

“What is it?” Dipper asked.

“My Quantum Destabilizer,” Ford answered, tightening a few screws. “It’ll rip apart anything on a subatomic level. Now that Bill has a physical form, he’s susceptible to bodily harm. Hit him with something powerful enough to destroy his body before he gathers enough of his power to regenerate it, and…”

“Bye-bye, Bill,” Dipper finished.

“Precisely,” Ford said, the weapon whirring to life in his hands. “We’re only gonna have one chance to take this shot.”

Dipper nodded, leaving the firing to the non-aiming impaired. Ford looked through the triangle scope of the weapon, lining up the shot with all the perfection he could muster.

“Steady…” he mumbled to himself. “Steady… And…”

At that moment, a Weirdness Wave washed over the area, and the bell behind them grew eyes and a mouth.

“Woohoohoohoohoohoohoohoohoo!” it cheered loudly. “I’m alive now!”

Ford let out a startled exclamation as he fired, his aim skewed by sudden scare. The destructive beam flew through the air and did manage to pierce Bill.

Or, his hat anyway.

Bill froze as the laser flew off into the distance. His top hat had a hole in it, fleshy material on the inside exposed, what looked like ends of a severed spine sticking out. The muscle and bone grew, in seconds repairing itself.

“Oh no!” Ford exclaimed.

“WELL, WELL, WELL…” Bill said as he turned around. “AND HERE I THOUGHT TODAY COULDN’T GET ANY  _ BETTER! _ ”

With a point of the finger, he fired a beam of his own at the clock tower. The top of the building exploded as the laser pierced it. Ford and Dipper sprawled on the floor, the Quantum Destabilizer smashed to pieces.

“Great-Uncle Ford!” Dipper exclaimed as he tried to pick himself up.

“Dipper!” Ford grunted out as he was trapped under wreckage. “Take my journals! Listen, I know of one other way to defeat Bill, it’s-! Oh, no! Dipper! Run! Get down!”

The boy caught the Journals being slid over to him, and managed to duck down the stairs. Dipper hid beneath the floor, out of sight just as the gaze of the triangle demon swept over the rubble of the clock tower.

“GOOD OLD SIX-FINGERS,” Bill said as he lifted up the old adventurer. “I’VE BEEN WAITING AN  **ETERNITY** TO HAVE A CHAT FACE-TO-FACE!”

“Ah!” Ford exclaimed as he was dragged into the air.

“EVERYONE!” Bill announced to his monster entourage. “THIS ARMAGEDDON WOULDN’T BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT HELP FROM OUR FRIEND HERE. GIVE HIM A SIX-FINGERED HAND!”

The various creatures cheered and applauded. Dipper watched the sick display as he ducked out of the tower and ran behind a nearby treeline. He needed a plan, some way to get Ford away from the small army of interdimensional criminals and the near all-powerful super-being. There had to be something, maybe in the Journals-?

“THIS BRAINIAC IS THE ONE WHO BUILT THE PORTAL IN THE FIRST PLACE!” Bill continued. “NOW DON’T LOOK SO SOUR, FORDSY. IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO JOIN ME. WITH THAT EXTRA FINGER, YOU’D FIT RIGHT IN WITH MY FREAKS!”

Ford looked down at his fingers for a moment. He’d been teased relentlessly for them all throughout his childhood. To actually be accepted for them… It would be amazing.

If not for the fact that Bill was just the worst.

“I’ll die before I join you!” Ford shouted. “I know your weakness, Bill!”

“OH, YEAH?” Bill asked as his pupil became a question mark. “AND I KNOW A RIDDLE. WHY DID THE OLD MAN DO THIS?”

Ford looked at the pose Bill was doing, confused.

“This?” the old man asked as he raised his hands in a similar manner.

Bill blasted Ford with a laser from his eye, instantly turning the adventurer into a gold statue.

“BECAUSE I NEEDED A NEW BACK-SCRATCHER!”

The demons all laughed at the petrified old man, and Dipper paled at the sight. Ford was their best chance at beating Bill, and now… Ford was gone, he had no idea where Mabel was, and everyone else was being hunted down. He needed a plan, he needed to retreat and figure out some kind of plan- No,  _ no! _ Every second he wasted Bill became even more invincible. It was like Ford said, being a hero means fighting back even when it seems impossible.

“That’s enough!” Dipper shouted as he ran out from the trees and stood up on a small hill. “Hand over my uncle! Or else!”

All the creatures turned to look at him, including the yellow demon.

“NOW ISN’T. THIS.  **_INTERESTING?_ ** ” Bill said as he suddenly appeared before the boy. “MY OLD PUPPET IS BACK FOR AN ENCORE. YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP ME? GO AHEAD, PINE TREE. SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!”

Dipper flipped through Journal 3, looking for anything that could help him. “I… uh…”

“‘I- UM, I,’” Bill mocked, waving his fists like they were going to fight. “DO IT, KID. DO SOME BRILLIANT THING THAT TAKES ME DOWN, RIGHT NOW. WHATTDYA GOT, PINE TREE? EVERYONE’S WAITING.  _ DO IT! _ ”

Dipper saw the only message of importance in the book.

“If he gains physical form then all is lost.”

And so, Dipper acted the only way he had left.

Impulsively.

Dipper roared, jumping into the air right at Bill’s eye. He pulled his fist back and threw the most devastating punch he could, putting the entire weight of his body behind it. Bill squinted, forming a forcefield in front of him that caught Dipper’s fist. The boy tried to push through it, and for a second almost looked like he might make it through.

Only for a second, though.

With an extra pulse of energy, Bill flung Dipper back. The boy tumbled back along the grass until he was abruptly stopped by a tree. Dipper groaned as he tried to pick himself up, Bill’s laughter echoing in the air.

With a start, Dipper saw the three Journals scattered on the ground before him, having been dropped. He tried to reach for them, but before he could even get close all of the books floated into the air.

“THAT’S RIGHT,” Bill said as the Journals levitated around his hand. “DON’T BE A HERO, KID. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO HEROES IN MY WORLD!”

With a simple finger-snap, the Journals went up in flames.

“NO!” Dipper exclaimed.

“NOT MUCH OF A THREAT NOW, ARE YOU?” Bill asked, before turning back to his friends. “NOW CAN ANYONE REMIND ME WHY WE CAME HERE?”

“To get WEIRD!” 8-Ball cheered.

“THAT’S RIGHT!” Bill confirmed. “V.I.P. PARTY AT THE FEARAMID. OH, AND 8-BALL, TEETH, YOU’VE EARNED A TREAT. HAVE THE KID FOR A SNACK.”

Dipper looked at the monsters before him and blanched.

“HENCHMANIACS, ROLL OUT!”

“So, you wanna eat him, or, something?” 8-Ball asked.

“Oh, definitely,” Teeth responded, “let’s- Wait, where’d he go?”

Dipper ran off through the trees, trying to make tracks as best he could while the creatures were distracted. He heard the rustling behind him, and he picked up the pace. There had to be somewhere he could go. Someone left who could help. Some way left to stop Bill.

There had to be.

 

**_… erehT t’nsaw…_ **

 

“We are on day three in this strange cataclysmic event,” came Shandra Jimenez’s voice from an abandoned TV, “which some are calling ‘Weirdmageddon,’ or the ‘Oddpocalypse.’ Weather today calls for black clouds, blood rain and frequent showers of Eyeball Bats turning people into stone. I’m Shandra Jimenez, and I ate a rat for dinner.”

Dipper ducked into an alley, dodging the gaze of an Eye-Bat. He let out a relieved breath, before sitting back behind a dumpster. It had been about a day and a half since Dipper had a meal larger than whatever scraps he could find from dumpsters not unlike the one he was currently hiding behind. He was holding up surprisingly well, but he couldn’t keep going on like this forever. He needed shelter, some place to rest, and maybe even some food. And the optimal place to find all of those would be…

Dipper snuck past a strange, giant, sweaty head with an enormous arm on the top of his head. The monster was asking random things to get in his mouth, and for some reason reminded the stealthing boy of a stand-up comedian. Dipper opened the sliding doors to the mega-store and quietly closed them behind him.

The building was a wreck. Doors were broken, windows smashed, and displays overturned. Dipper had seen numerous Eye-Bats swarming the area the past few days. He’d figured numerous people had tried taking refuge there. In other words, the building would’ve been a hunting ground for survivors. But several days later no one else seemed to go near the place, and the monsters had lost interest. Now was the best time to look around. See what was left behind. Maybe look to see if there were any signs Mabel-

The boy shook his head. No distractions. He needed to stay vigilant, focused. As much as he didn’t want to believe it, the chances he would find Mabel after this were… slim. She hadn’t answered on the walkie-talkie for three days, and had in all likelihood been at the epicenter of Weirdmageddon. And- No, focus.

Dipper krept through the building, silent as he could. Just because Eye-Bats weren’t swarming the place anymore didn’t mean some monsters hadn’t taken up residents in the mall. He made his way to the food court, hoping there might be some non-perishables left, and when he got there…

‘ _ Well… _ ’ Dipper thought, looking at the beautiful nachos on a table in the middle of the court. ‘ _ This is definitely a trap. _ ’

Dipper ducked back into the shadows, surveying the area. The table with the nachos was the only spot with a light shining on it, everything else shrouded in darkness. After squinting at the area, he did manage to catch a glimpse at what he thought was a wire. So probably a rabbit snare, or maybe a net. But he couldn’t see any kind of alarm system to alert the person who set the trap. That meant there was probably a good chance the person was still close by, where they could keep an eye on the trap. If that really was the case, then the optimal hiding spot would probably be…

Silent as could be, Dipper tip-toed along the tile floor toward a potted plant. He stayed to the back side of it, the part facing away from the trap. He crept up to it, and when he was close enough-

A startled cry rang out as Dipper grabbed the person in the bush, quickly managing to put them in a headlock. The person kicked back, using their greater height to off-balance the boy and send him falling back onto the ground. The body above him attempted to crush him, but with a quick shift of his weight, he rolled the assailant over and managed to pin them to the floor instead.

Dipper felt a sudden pain as his redheaded target’s skull snapped back and cracked him right in his nose. His grip loosened and they managed to throw him of of them, but he caught himself and-

Wait.

Red hair?

“Wendy?”

The nacho-trapper turned around and, sure enough, Dipper came face-to-face with Wendy. She was battered, her jeans were torn, had eye-black on her cheeks, and had a bandanna made of the ripped sleeve of her jacket around her head, but it was her.

“Wendy!” Dipper exclaimed as he rushed over to her and grabbed her in a hug.

“Whoa!” the girl said, not used to the reserved boy showing much (or any) physical affection. “Hey, Dipper, are you-? Oh… Sorry about your nose…”

“What?” Dipper asked, before realizing he had a thin line of blood running down his face. “Oh, it’s fine. Doesn’t feel broken or anything. I just… I can’t believe you’re okay.”

“Relatively,” Wendy said as she picked up the crossbow she’d dropped in the scuffle. “Was doing better before you jumped me.”

“... Sorry about that,” Dipper apologized as he wiped his face off with his hand. “That was a pretty good trap.”

Wendy rolled her eyes. “Says the guy who didn’t fall for it.”

“Would’ve gotten anyone else,” Dipper said with a shrug. “And the bush disguise was a nice touch.”

Wendy chuckled. “My dad made me and my brothers do apocalypse training every year instead of Christmas. Guess it’s sort of cool the paranoia paid off.”

Dipper looked around. “The rest of your family here?”

Wendy looked away sadly. “... I haven’t seen them.”

Dipper’s face fell. “Oh… I’m sorry… I, uh… I haven’t been able to find Mabel or Stan either, and Ford, he…”

He couldn’t finish the statement, but Wendy got the idea. Collecting herself, Wendy walked over to the boy and rested a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay,” she said, looking into his eyes with a smile that dared to show hope. “We have each other now. And Toby Determined, who I accidentally mistook for a monster.”

Dipper looked to the side, and saw said wannabe reporter standing in a nearby doorway.

“This just in,” Toby spoke, “this arrow in my shoulder…!”

“We shouldn’t stay out in the open for too long,” Wendy said, scoping the area. “Let me show you my hideout.”

The girl lead Dipper to the Edgy on Purpose store in the mall, and more so tolerated Toby following them than bringing him with. Wendy ushered Dipper inside, and let Toby come in too before re-barricading the entrance. She started up a fire, fueling it with discarded bills, and began cooking a dead bat she’d caught.

“I was playing Truth or Dare in the cemetery when it happened,” Wendy explained. “The eyeballs got the rest of the gang. I managed to get away. The forests were too packed with monsters, I… I couldn’t get home. Showed up here yesterday, cleared out the last few monsters. What about you?”

“… I was in a fight with Mabel,” Dipper said. “When it happened, I mean. Uncle Ford asked me to be his apprentice once the summer was over. He wanted me to stay with him after the summer. Mabel could stay too.”

“But, wait,” Wendy interjected, confused. “Isn’t that a good thing? Getting away from… I mean…”

“My parents?” Dipper asked, saying what she was hesitant to. “I thought it was. But Mabel didn’t want to leave them. She wanted to go back and have a happy family, and I… I told her our parents were getting a divorce. I’ve been keeping that a secret from her for months and she… didn’t take it well.”

“Oh, dude…” Wendy said, giving the boy a sad look. “Come on. Let’s get some fresh air. Toby, you watch the camp.”

“Don’t call me ‘Toby’ anymore,” the weird-looking man said as he emerged from a dressing room decked out in store merch. “Call me ‘Bodacious T’.”

“No one will ever call you that,” Wendy said as she lead Dipper out.

Toby let out a disappointed sigh.

 

**_… retaL, no eht foor fo eht llam…_ **

 

“The end of the world,” Wendy said as she looked over the devastated town. “Man, those death metal album covers got it shockingly right.”

She looked to her side, and saw her companion sitting, silent and staring at nothing.

“What’s up?” the redhead asked.

Dipper looked down. “I always thought I could handle whatever came my way. Punching my way out of my problems worked most of the time, and I thought I was clever enough to out-think whatever punching didn’t solve. But this?”

The boy waved his hands, looking at the apocalypse before them.

“What am I supposed to do?” Dipper asked, sounding defeated. “The Journals are destroyed, Ford’s captured, and everyone else is gone. I could  _ maybe _ take on one of Bill’s monsters, but not an army. And now Bill’s basically all-powerful. There’s nothing left. No more options. Bill said it himself, there’s no room for heroes out here. We lost.”

“Look, dude, it’s not over yet,” Wendy insisted. “You’ve beaten Bill twice before, why is this time any different?”

“Aside from the world already ending?” Dipper pointed out. “All those other times I had Mabel.”

“Then you need to get Mabel back,” Wendy said. “Look, this summer, I’ve seen some amazing things, but nothing as amazing as you and your sister. I don’t know if it’s dumb luck, or yin and yang, or whatever, but when you two work together, there’s like nothing you two can’t accomplish. You just need to make up, and team up, and save the universe.”

Despite himself, Dipper gained a little smile. “That easy, huh?”

Wendy shrugged. “How hard could it be?”

“Had to jinx it,” Dipper chuckled. “... Alright then. What now?”

“You’re the planner guy,” Wendy said. “How do we find Mabel?”

“Well,” Dipper thought aloud, “I guess first we’d need to consider-”

The statement was interrupted as a giant monster ate a nearby billboard, revealing a look at the railway bridge between the two UFO-created cliffs. The two survivors saw a new addition to the tracks, a giant dark-pink bubble with a familiar symbol on it.

“The shooting star from Mabel’s shirt!” Dipper exclaimed. “She’s in there. I know it.”

“Whoa, is that like twin ESP?” Wendy asked.

“No, we don’t have that,” Dipper said. “But we do have this weird thing where our allergies act up at the same time.”

“Huh,” Wendy said, smirking at the odd tidbit.

“Mabel needs us,” Dipper said. “But how are we gonna get out there without being caught?”

Wendy frowned. That was a good question. The mall was pretty much on the opposite side of town from the bubble. They needed some way to clear the distance fast. But how…?

The redhead looked down, and saw just the thing across the street from the mall.

“I have an idea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, we're finally here. The Weirdmageddon chapters. It's been a long road, but we've made it. For those who did catch when I mentioned this earlier, or maybe just forgot, these chapters are going to be marathoned. In other words, the next part will be posted TOMORROW! And then the next one the day after that, and so on and so forth until we finish this segment up. Everything should be finished in time, but something may come up. Really going to try to make sure nothing interrupts this, though. Something else worth mentioning is that I no longer have an editor working with me on this project, so it's possible that the chapters from here on out might be a little rougher since I have to self-edit.
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy this marathon of chapters. Feel free to leave any likes, dislikes, and questions for the Q&A chapter. Still hoping to get some more of those. Seriously, I'll take just about any questions about whatever. The weirder the better. Thanks for reading, and have a nice day.


	31. Weirdmageddon: Part 2

“Spin the person! Spin the person!”

The henchmaniacs cheered as they spun a petrified Lazy Susan on the floor. This was just one part of the party that had been going strong for the past several days. Bill surveyed the fun, nodding along to the interdimensional beat thumping in the air. He saw the stone human stop, pointing to Pyronica. Hectorgon tried escaping, but the flame monstress caught his with her tongue and swallowed him whole. Bill laughed at the sight.

“GO NUTS, GUYS!” Bill called out to all his henchmaniacs. “WHEN WE’RE DONE PARTYING, I UNVEIL PHASE TWO-!”

The triangular tyrant’s speech was cut short by a knocking on the front door of the Fearamid.

“Open up!” a voice from the other side ordered. “This is the police. Time Police.”

The various monsters present turned to Bill, all looking nervous.

“JUST PLAY IT COOL,” Bill said as he started pointing where he wanted everyone to go. “DITCH THE TIME-PUNCH! LET ME DO THE TALKING.”

The doors swung open, revealing numerous Time Police officers and one giant floating baby.

“Bill Cipher,” Lolph said. “You are in violation of the rules of space-time, and possessing the body of a time officer.”

“My body is a temple!” Blendin exclaimed, poking his head out from around the line of people. “How dare you!”

“ **Hear this, Cipher!** ” the floating infant declared.

“UGH,” Bill groaned, “TIME BABY…”

“ **If your rip in this dimension continues, it could destroy the very fabric of existence!** ” Time Baby stated. “ **Surrender now, or face my tantrum!** ”

“OH, NO, A TANTRUM!” Bill said with a sarcastic eye-roll. “WHATEVER WILL I DO ABOUT THA-?  _ HOW ‘BOUT THIS!? BOOM!!! _ ”

With an enormous beam from his finger, Bill vaporized Time Baby and all of the Time Police gathered in one fell swoop.

The monsters all stared in stunned silence. Smoke came from the tip of Bill’s finger. His eyelids formed into a mouth for the briefest moment, just long enough to blow out the finger gun that had upended time itself. As the monsters all slowly began to realize that what they’d seen had really just happened, they all looked to Bill.

“Ah, snap!” Kryptos exclaimed. “He just killed Time Baby!”

All the monsters cheered as they resumed their partying like nothing had happened. Bill nodded, satisfied with himself, as Teeth and 8-Ball approached his throne.

“Boss, the Pine Tree kid got away before we could eat him, and we can’t find him,” 8-Ball said. “Are you worried he might try to cause some trouble?”

“Yeah,” Teeth chimed in, “trouble with Mabel’s bubble?”

“HA!” Bill scoffed. “I’M NOT WORRIED. I’VE GOT SOMEONE ON THE CASE.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ta eht lufeelG traM-otuA…_ **

 

Dipper, Wendy, and Toby all poked their heads over a fence, and the redhead grinned. are looking over the fence.

“The abandoned auto-mart,” Wendy said as they all hopped over the wall of wooden planks. “Free cars right for the hot-wiring. We just found our ride to Mabel. I wonder if they have a tank? I’ve always wanted to drive a tank!”

Dipper’s eyes narrowed as he survey the surprisingly intact car dealership. “Most of these cars still look good. The yard barely looks touched. Why haven’t more people tried raiding this place?”

Wendy realized the boy was right and instantly tensed up. They both stepped slowly around, careful scouting their surroundings. While the two cautiously considered the area, Toby walked right up to a car with an open window, completely oblivious to the potential dangers.

“Ooh, an air freshener!” he said, spotting the glorious green five-leaved clover hanging from the rearview mirror. “Finally I’ll smell like a person! Stealy-stealy…”

Before he could snag the item, the short, strange man was stuck by a tranquilizer dart. However, this did not deter him.

“Ha!” Toby declared defiantly. “It’s gonna take more than one dart to keep me from-!”

The former “reporter” was interrupted by nine more darts hitting him at various points on his body. A second later, Toby was on the ground, out cold.

“Oh no, Tony!” Wendy exclaimed, before turning back to Dipper. “Was it Tony? I can never remember his name.”

The two conscious survivors were suddenly blinded by incredibly bright headlights shining in their faces. Dipper squinted, managing to see three large cars tricked out for the apocalypse parked in front of them, with a bunch of Mad Max-looking drivers glaring at them.

“Well, well,” one of the drivers spoke, “looks like we got ourselves a pair of ground walkers.”

“Heheh! Ground walkers!” another laughed. “Heheh! Ain’t got no wheels!”

The rest of the drivers joined in the laughter.

“Listen up, Discount Auto Warriors!” Wendy shouted, getting their attention.

“We just want to make it to that bubble out east,” Dipper said. “We don’t want any trouble.”

“ **Oh, but we do!** ” a deep, distorted voice declared. “ **Hands where I can see ‘em!** ”

Dipper and Wendy reluctantly raised their hands, trying to get a good look at the apparent lead still being shrouded in the blinding light.

Megaphone Leader Person laughed. “ **Y’all fellers ain’t goin’ nowhere.** ”

“‘Y’all’?” Wendy repeated.

“‘Fellers’?” Dipper noted as well, something about the speech sounding familiar. “Wait... Gideon!?”

“ **That’s Sheriff Gideon!** ” the boy said as the lights died down and he cast his megaphone aside, revealing his new bedazzled cowboy outfit. “Under the authority of Bill Cipher, I place you two under arrest! … Oh, hi, Wendy! Have we formally met?”

The duo were grabbed from behind by one of Gideon’s prison goons. Their arms were each pinned behind their backs with a single enormous hand. Dipper tried to break free, but the grasp of the white-eyed criminal was far too strong for the twelve year old to break.

“ _ Wooooo-we! _ ” Gideon hooted at the sight of his new captives. “Look what the apocalypse dragged in! Y’all are in a twelve-piece bucket of deep fried trouble now! Spittoon!”

One of Gideon’s thugs held out a spittoon, and the pudgy boy spit a wad of chewing gum into it. Dipper rolled his eyes at the sight.

“Oh boy…” he said sarcastically. “It’s Gideon… Again.”

“And he’s gotten folksier,” Wendy said, face a mix of bewilderment and disgust.

“Ma’ old pal Bill figured you might try to rescue Mabel,” the short boy explained. “So he appointed me master of these wastelands, and keeper of the bubble! My sweet precious Mabel’s trapped inside and I HAVE THE ONLY KEY!”

At the declaration, Gideon pulled out a key with the shooting star symbol on it out, displaying the necklace it was attached to.

“I have wrapped right ‘round my... well I wouldn’t call it a neck exactly, wrapped around this little pocket of fat under ma’ head?”

Dipper’s gaze grew darker at the sight. “ **Gideon-!** ”

“Bill explained it to me nice and simple,” the apocalypse sheriff interrupted. “She was always destined to be mine! And now that I have her in a cage she’ll learn to love me! I have an eternity to wait! Ghost-Eyes! Ready to escort our friends to Bill’s dungeon?”

“This isn’t gonna work, Gideon,” Wendy said fairly calmly even as she and Dipper were each lifted into the air with one hand.

“Oh?” Gideon asked. “And why’s that?”

“‘Cause after I break Ghost-Eyes’ arm and steal that key from your neck,” Wendy explained, “I’m gonna wear your butt on my foot like a rhinestone slipper!”

The various prison escapees laughed at the threat made by the skinny teenager.

“Oho,” Gideon chuckled, “and what makes you think you can do all that?”

“‘Cause I’m a flippin’ CORDUROY!”

With the battle cry, Wendy flipped backwards over Ghost-Eyes, pulling his arm with her and twisting it to the side. With a satisfying pop, his shoulder came out of its socket and the crook let out a cry of pain. It wasn’t quite a broken arm, but for now it would be good enough.

Dipper was released as Wendy dislocated Ghost-Eyes’ shoulder. As he fell, he drove his foot into one of the criminal’s knees, causing even more pain. With Ghost-Eyes “occupied”, Wendy dashed forward. She jumped up, grabbed Gideon by his sparkly collar, and yanked the key right off his fat-pocket. Gideon squealed like an indignant Waddles as Wendy lifted him up and ran back to Dipper.

“Get back!” Wendy shouted at the thugs. “Get back, or I will drop-kick him, I swear!”

Dipper smashed a window of a car in good condition, and waved Wendy over to him.

“You’ll never get away with this, ya hear me?!” Gideon shrilled.

“Guess what?” the redhead asked. “We already DID!”

True to her word, Wendy drop-kicked Gideon across the dealership. Despite the circumstances, Dipper couldn’t suppress his grin at the sight of the tiny boy’s body soaring through the air, or at the pig-like sound he made as he flew. 

“Well,” the boy said with a smirk as he got in the driver’s seat. “That made my day.”

“Yours too?” Wendy asked, hopping behind the wheel.

The tires of the stolen car screeched against the ground as Wendy peeled out from the auto-dealer, leaving the crooks behind her in the dust.

“After them!” Gideon cried as he picked himself off the ground.

The various prison escapees started piling into their suped-up cars. Ghost-Eyes grabbed his arm and hissed as he shoved it back in its socket. With a few experimental flexes to ensure it was back in order, he ran up to his own vehicle. He hopped into his truck as Gideon did the same. Ghost-Eyes put the pedal to the metal, and the gang took off after the fleeing kids.

“Okay,” Dipper said as he glanced at their pursuers in the rearview mirror, “all we have to do is outrace Gideon’s henchmen, unlock the bubble, save Mabel, and save the world.”

“Easy,” Wendy said.

The kids flinched as Wendy hit a mailbox while they zipped down the road.

“... Question,” Dipper spoke, “did you ever get your driver’s license?”

“Definitely not!” Wendy declared as she swerved out of the way of the one-armed, mouth-obsessed monstrosity.

“... Good to know,” Dipper said, gripping the sides of his seat.

The apocalypse gang followed in hot pursuit of their targets. One of their cars was unfortunately too close to the sweaty monstrosity, and was snagged off the road by it. The car and drivers within it were subjected to a fate worse than death: being put in the one-armed monster’s mouth for any period of time. Despite the energetic circumstances, the rest of the prison escapees held a brief moment of silence for their comrades. This incident served as a grim reminder to all of them that regardless of their new positions of authority, they were still prisoners of their own mortality, and that those who live by chaos will die by chaos. For them, it was a truly sobering, truly humbling moment.

But to any observer it would’ve just looked like a regular old post-apocalyptic car chase.

_ … Woop-ee… Testosterone… _

“Watch out!” Dipper exclaimed as they rapidly approached an area filled with Weirdness Bubbles. “Go around that bubble field!”

“No way around!” Wendy countered. “Hold on! We’re goin’ through!”

Dipper winced, preparing himself for what would probably be the most maddening experience of his life.

They drove through one of the bubbles, and as soon as they entered it they-  _ chirp, chirp. Tweet-tweet, chirp. Cheep cheep chirp, tweet. Tweet-chirp, whistle. Terrified bird noises. _

_ Twe- _ pper coughed as they emerged from the bubble, feathers coming out of his mouth as he struggled to regain his breath.

“That…!” the boy wheezed out. “That was the worst…!”

“Don’t speak too soon, dude!” Wendy coughed out as she tried to keep her driving steady. “Here comes another! Brace yourself!”

The two did just that as they drove head-first into another bubble, and-

叫ぶ ! ホラーノイズ ! 私は日本語がわからない ! これはすべてグーグル翻訳です ! おまえはもうシンデイル -!

The kids’ tender minds were cut out of their foreign brain roast, and their thoughts were left bacon in a bizarre new place. Despite their well-done flight from their previous night-marinade, peace was rare in that instant as their sanity was ground down by their surroundings. On top of the meatballs-to-the-wall craziness around them, they couldn’t ignore the steaks of their chase either. Gideon sought to bring the ham-mer down on them, and this new venison of them would not help the raw beating approaching them. Their flight didn’t make them chicken, just smart enough not to get embroiled with a little cutlet’s pointless beef with them. The meat-heads pursuing them were merely the entree of this a-pork-alpyse. They couldn’t afford a slow fight with what Bill had cooking-

Jason gasped as they passed into another bubble. The sensation of going through these things was intense, more so than he would’ve thought. It didn’t help that they couldn’t see out of the bubbles once inside, but Linda was doing a surprisingly good job at driving regardless. Jason swore that they were in each bubble longer than they should’ve been. Troubling, but if the Weirdness Bubbles really did slow them down with some kind of time-distortion, he could only hope Thurop and his prison goons were equally impeded. They were almost to Kristen’s bubble cage, and there was no way Jason was going to let some punk midget stop him from saving his sister-!

Dipper and Wendy both let out a sigh of relief as they escaped the last bubble, free from the field of condensed insanity. Said relief was short-lived, however. Both winced as Ghost-Eye’s truck managed to strike their back fender. Wendy, at this point operating purely on instinct and what she’d seen in movies, attempted to right her course even as the back windshield shattered. Wendy looked ahead of her, and saw that they were almost at the prison bubble. There was just one last obstacle in their way.

A giant ravine that had DEFINITELY not been there before.

“Can we make that?!” Dipper asked, not liking their odds.

Wendy shrugged. “Total lack of driver’s training, don’t fail me now!”

The redhead accelerated even further, and spotted a part of the cliffside that was more elevated than the rest. With as much speed as she could squeeze out of the vehicle, Wendy hit the dirt ramp and made the jump. Somehow, by some miracle of the physics that were missing in action from all the chaos, the duo’s car made it across the large gap.

A little too well, actually.

Wendy had gotten so much air, that the vehicle soared over the safe ground of the other side. Enertia did its job about as well as a drunken unicyclist and cause the car to flip in mid-air before it crashed to the ground. After tumbling over itself a few times, the car came to a stop, crumpled and beaten.

Dipper dragged himself out of the totalled car, struggling to pull himself forward. He heard rustlings from the other side of the vehicle, and recognized the sounds being made as similar to his own that seemed to suggest Wendy was more or less okay as well. They were so close! They just needed to get away from Gideon, rest up a bit, and then make their way up to-

Dipper stopped, looking up. Before him stood a hooded figure, body cloaked in a robe and face cloaked in darkness. Dipper clenched his fist. He tried to rise, intent on making sure that whoever this was didn’t give him or Wendy any trouble, but his body was still weak from the crash. As he tried to sit up, the hooded figure knelt down and…

… Offered him a hand?

“Heya, Dipper,” the figure said, pulling his hood back to reveal a familiar face. “How’s it hanging?”

“Soos!” Dipper exclaimed, relieved smile finding its way onto his face.

“Soos...?” a battered Wendy asked as she picked herself off the ground and leaned against the wrecked car for support.

“Handyman of the apocalypse, at your service,” Soos greeted with a tip of his cap.

“Soos!” Dipper spoke as said handyman helped him to his feet. “How’d you, where’d you-?”

“I’ve been wandering the plains like a desperado, helping strangers,” Soos answered with a shrug. “I guess there’s some folk songs about me now?”

The desperado looked over to Wendy, and saw her clutching on of her arms in pain.

“Let me see what the damage is…” Soos said as he walked over and examined the limb. “Ah, well the good news is your arm is okay.”

Dipper didn’t like that phrasing. “Is there bad news...?”

Soos nodded. “Bad news is we’re surrounded, dudes.”

Sure enough, a ring of tricked-out apocalypse cars were around them, the thugs inside them cheering at having caught their prey.

_ “Wooowee! _ ” Gideon hollered as he stepped out onto the hood of Ghost-Eyes’ truck. “I dare say y’all almost had the jump on me there for a second. But this ain’t your Gravity Falls anymore! Out here, I win!”

Gideon held out his hand, and one of his goons tossed a weird-looking conch to him. The boy blew into the horn, letting out an echoing sound. In the distance, the gathered humans could see a cloud of Eye-Bats emerge from the Fearamid.

“Bill’s henchbats will be here any minute to retrieve y’all,” Gideon said triumphantly. “MABEL’S MINE NOW! Hahahaha!”

Dipper’s teeth ground. This couldn’t be it, could it? Not when they were so close! But what options did he have? He and Wendy were in no shape to fight. In their condition they likely wouldn’t even be able to take one gang member, much less all of them. And even if they could, if the fight dragged on long enough for the Eye-Bats to arrive it wouldn’t matter. Running seemed like their only choice, but they were any better off in that regard, either. And nevermind their injuries, they couldn’t hope to ditch Gideon’s crew without wheels of their own. Short of Gideon just letting them go, there wasn’t any way they could-

Dipper blinked. There was… There was no way that would work. Would it? It couldn’t possibly… but it wasn’t like he had any other options.

“… Is she?” Dipper spoke.

“What?” Gideon asked, victorious laughter cut by confusion.

“Is she really yours?” Dipper asked.

“Well, yeah,” Gideon answered, not sure what his foe was getting at. “I have her trapped, ergo, Mabel is MINE!”

Dipper took in a breath. This wasn’t his strong suit. He didn’t like to talk without thinking what he said through. Just blurting out whatever he thought, it could have consequences. Drive people away. And even then, he wasn’t good with emotional stuff. But this was his only chance. He had to try.

“... Gideon, listen to me,” Dipper said. “If I’ve learned anything this summer it’s that you can’t force someone to love you. You can’t get someone to trust you by… by tricking them. The best you can do is… is do your best. Try to be someone worth trusting and loving.”

“I’m worthy o’ trustin’ and lovin’!” Gideon insisted. “These prisoners trust an’ love me!”

The prisoners all cheered, but Dipper shook his head.

“But Mabel doesn’t,” the boy countered. “Because you’re selfish. B-But you can change! Bill thinks there’s no heroes in this world, but if we work together and fight back, we can defeat him. You wanna be Mabel’s hero? Stand up to Bill, and let us save her!”

“That’s crazy!” Gideon exclaimed. “You know what Bill would do to me if that happened?”

“What,” Ghost-Eyes asked, “you scared of Bill?”

“No, I ju…!” Gideon tried. “It’s a complicated situation!”

“Gideon,” Dipper continued. “If all this is for Mabel, then ask yourself what Mabel would want you to do.”

Gideon pulled out a slip of paper. It was a newspaper clipping, with a picture of him and Mabel while they were dating. Gideon had always treasured the image, a reminder of when things had been perfect. But if he really looked at it, it was clear only one person in the picture was happy. Mabel looked uncomfortable, out of her element in a way she didn’t enjoy. Gideon had always just shrugged the sight off as Mabel not being photogenic (nobody was perfect, right?), but…

Had she really been so unhappy with him? After everything he’d done for her? All the dinners and glamor that she… didn’t like. Those were all for his benefit. He’d never bothered to see if she really enjoyed any of it. Just assumed she had to, would be crazy not to. He’d never really done anything for Mabel, had he? Not once.

Maybe it was time to start.

“… Dipper?” Gideon finally spoke. “Will you tell her what I did?”

Dipper’s eyes widened, finally realizing what it was he was really asking of the boy. “... Of course.”

“I hope you’re right about this…” Gideon said, before addressing his men. “Guys, new plan! Bill’s minions are gonna be on us in seconds. But I’m not gonna let that dumb triangle be the warden o’ me! Y’all ready for a good old fashioned prison brawl?”

“We’re behind you for life, brother!” Ghost-Eyes cheered.

“Fighting children is boring,” another prisoner said, “but fighting a chaos god sounds fun!”

“Then let’s do this!” Gideon shouted. “Henchmen, rollout!”

The gang let out a bunch of whoops and hollers as they drove off to meet the Eye-Bats. Dipper watched as his adversary drove off to what he knew could be his last stand. He genuinely hadn’t believed Gideon had it in him. He still by no means like the pint-sized megalomaniac, but… well, you don’t have to like someone to respect them.

As the remaining trio watched the gang drive away, Soos let out a relieved sigh.

“Whew!” he breathed, wiping his brow. “And I thought I was gonna have to throw down!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, quick upload this morning before classes. Not much to say with this one except some stuff I forgot to mention last time. The song was It's Gonna Get Weird, a song meant for the first part of Weirdmageddon but was cut do to time limitations. I decided to include it because why not? You can find fan renditions of the song on YouTube. That's all for now, likes, dislikes, Q&A, yada yada, I gotta go. Have a nice day.


	32. Weirdmageddon: Part 3

There they were.

Dipper’s body ached all over, his prized letterman jacket was covered in grime and blood, and he was exhausted. Despite all of this, he was standing there. On the bridge made of train tracks over the valley below. Just a few feet away from the dark pink bubble that had his sister trapped within.

Wendy pulled out the key to the padlock on the bubble. Carefully, she handed it to Dipper, letting him do the honors. He put the key in the lock and turned it. With an ominous clank, the lock came undone. It fell away, along with the chains encircling the glorified cage. Dipper let out a breath, before turning back to his two friends.

“Okay,” he said. “Remember, guys. This is a prison bubble designed by Bill. We’ve got to prepare ourselves for what we find in here.”

“Whatever it is, we’ll do it together,” Soos said, holding out his hand. “For Mabel!”

Wendy nodded, putting her hand on top of Soos’. “For Mabel!”

Dipper smiled, looking at the two friends that braved the end of the world for his sister. Despite all of the terrible things going on around them, Dipper had never felt more supported in his entire life. He rested his own hand on top of the others.

“For Mabel.”

With that, the trio entered the bubble, light consuming them.

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht dimaraeF…_ **

 

The partying dimensional criminals were brought to silence by their triangular boss tapping a fork against the golden, petrified form of Stanford Pines. The clinking echoed within the Fearamid, drawing the attention of the various henchmaniacs. The party music stopped, and Bill cleared his… throat(?) before speaking.

“LADIES,” Bill proclaimed, “GENTLEMEN, THAT CREATURE WITH LIKE, EIGHTY-SEVEN DIFFERENT FACES.”

“Eighty-eight different faces!” the many-faced creature corrected hotly.

“WHOA-HO, SORRY…!” Bill said with a surrendering hand motion. “TOUCHY SUBJECT. ANYWAYS, IT’S BEEN FUN TURNING GRAVITY FALLS INSIDE-OUT, ROUNDING UP ALL ITS TERRIFIED CITIZENS AND THEN STACKING THEM INTO THIS MASSIVE THRONE OF FROZEN HUMAN  _ AGONY! _ DON’T WORRY, THEY’RE NOT CONSCIOUS ANYMORE. PROBABLY. BUT GRAVITY FALLS IS JUST THE BEGINNING! IT’S TIME TO TAKE OUR CHAOS WORLDWIDE!”

Bill snapped his fingers, and the roof of the Fearamid opened up.

“ALRIGHT BOYS, TO THE CORNERS OF THE EARTH!” Bill commanded gleefully. “SET THE WORLD AFLAME WITH YOUR WEIRDNESS! THIS DIMENSION IS OURS!”

The henchmaniacs all flew out, intent on doing just as asked. They laughed as they soared off, eagerly anticipating the mayhem they would cause. Meanwhile, Bill leaned back in his agony throne.

“AH, GLOBAL DOMINATION,” Bill mused to himself. “I COULD GET USED TO-”

The demon’s world-conquering plans were cut short however, by the sight of his leaving minions colliding with an invisible something and falling out of the sky.

“ _ WHAT!?!? _ ” Bill exclaimed.

He flew up to the area himself, and extended a finger. Sure enough, he touched an unseen barrier, one even he couldn’t seem to break through. And with a bit of focus, he could see that the weirdness haze that was enveloping the town didn’t extend past this barrier. To his surprise, the rest of the world seem perfectly normal, untouched by and likely unaware of his bizarre apocalypse.

“HMM…” Bill said as he tapped his fingers together. “THIS MIGHT BE MORE COMPLICATED THAN I THOUGHT…”

“I think I broke something…” one of the henchmaniacs muttered in pain.

“WALK IT OFF!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht nosirp elbbub…_ **

 

“What is this place?” Wendy asked.

“I…” Dipper mumbled. “I don’t really know…”

It was beyond words, really. A seemingly endless expanse of white nothingness. A void of infinity. If Mabel was stuck in here, completely alone with the never-ending white, no way to tell the passage of time, no hope of rescue… How long could she be in this before losing her mind? It had only been a few days, put to her it would’ve felt like an eternity. Could they even find her in this?

Dipper gasped. “Everyone stay together!”

His companions looked at him, concerned by his sudden outburst, but they quickly caught on to his thought. How far could they go from each other before being forever separated by the limitless space before them? The trio grouped up closer together. Soos looked around wildly, hoping to see some other color in the blankness around him. Wendy gripped Dipper’s arm like a vice, her breathing starting to become more erratic. Dipper wasn’t doing much better. The panic of being forever lost in this eternal void was sinking in. The boy had to admit, this was way beyond what he knew how to deal with. Beyond what he could really comprehend, in all honesty. Bill’s prison was more ingenious than he could have ever-

“Uh, guys?”

The two boys looked to the redhead, and followed her gaze. What they saw was definitely not doing anything to uplift their spirits. A rainbow crack grew from below them, and the ground began to shake. Pieces of the floor fell away, and the group had nowhere to run.

“Guys,” Soos said, “if I die, I wanna die hugging.”

He grabbed his two companions in headlocks as the floor gave way and they all began falling.

“Soos…!” Dipper choked. “Can’t breathe…!”

“Let my body be your shield!” Soos called as they rapidly descended.

The three screamed as they fell, before landing brutal on a…

A bouncy-house?

“Huh?” Dipper asked as Soos released him, confused. “Is the entire ground a bouncy castle?”

“Do you hear eighties music?” Wendy added.

“And does the air smell like childlike wonder?” Soos inferred, not exactly sure of the smell he just described.

What the trio saw before them was an expansive land of technicolor childhood condensed into a location. It was the eighties, nineties, and early two-thousands put in a blender with neon rainbows and the product molded into the shape of a world.

“Okay,” Dipper deadpanned, “I officially prefer the white void.”

“It’s fun-o’clock everyone!” an energetic announcer declared. “Today’s weather calls for rainbows with a chance of dance parties. If you are the owner of a unicorn with a top hat, please come to the ice cream beach. Your unicorn is being towed.”

“What is this new world?” Soos asked whimsically. “Shining, shimmering, splendid!”

A pineapple person suddenly ran screaming as a car zoomed up, nearly hitting it. The car stopped right in front the trio, and the group saw that the drivers were those brightly-colored dream guys Mabel had created back in Stan’s mind.

Well, Dipper and Soos recognized them.

Wendy was just very confused.

“Welcome to Mabeland!” Craz greeted.

“ _ Aaaaaand _ this is worse than the apocalypse…” Dipper grumbled.

“Dude, this place hurts my eyes,” Wendy said, squinting.

“Oh, that’s normal,” Xyler said. “Mabeland’s rainbows have colors only bees and art students can see. Now who wants to go on the grand tour?”

“Do we have a choice?” Dipper asked.

“No!” the neon dream boys answered happily.

Dipper sighed.

The group hopped in the car and began getting shown the town.

“Mabeland is the ultimate paradise,” Xyler explained. “And the only rule? There are no rules!”

“Except for one rule which is very serious,” Craz said in a suddenly very somber tone, before brightening back up. “But no one would ever break it, so it’s not worth mentioning.”

“... Okay,” Dipper said, not at all liking the sound of that. “Listen, creepy dream guys. We’re not here to party, okay? We just need to find Mabel and get her out of here. Where is she?”

“Our home girl Mabel lives at our next stop,” Craz said as he drove through a building to get to the beach.

Dipper just hoped they would make it in one piece.

Once they arrived, they exited the death machine and took in the area around them.

“Now, come have rad snacks served by awesome penguins!” Craz said.

A penguin walked up with said food. Wendy and Soos each grabbed a drink.

“Oh, score!” Wendy said. “I’m so thirsty.”

“Yeah,” Soos agreed. “I haven’t eaten anything except for part of my hat for the last three days.”

The two clinked their glasses together, before Dipper swatted the drinks out of their hands.

“Hey!” Wendy exclaimed.

“Dude!” Soos grunted, equally displeased.

“Seriously, guys?” Dipper asked. “This place was created by Bill, remember? Maybe don’t drink the Kool-Aid the moment it’s given to you?”

The two looked away awkwardly, realizing the boy had a point.

“Bill’s using Mabel’s own fantasies as some sick trap,” Dipper said. “We need to grab Mabel and get the heck out of here.”

“Oh, Mabel?” Craz said. “She’s at the top of the tallest tower guarded by those big buff waffle guards. There’s no way to get past them!”

Soos looked at the guards in question, and his eyes narrowed. “Someone hand me some syrup…”

Moments later, Soos was on top of one of the guards, biting into the waffle-y goodness.

“Aaah! It’s happening!” the guard being eating cried. “The moment we’ve trained for!”

“Oh, don’t worry, man!” the other waffle guard shouted. “I’ve got ya-!”

The second guard was cut of by Dipper and Wendy simultaneously punching out his face.

“It’s now or never, guys!” Wendy called.

The trio ran into the beachside tower. They pushed past various animals and a few more guards, racing to the top. Soon enough, they made it, and burst through the doors. The room was dark, but appeared to be a bedroom of some kind. They could just make out the sleeping form of Mabel on a bed, but then heard the sounds of more guards coming up the stairs after them. They shut the doors, and Dipper began scanning the room for another way out as Soos went and picked up Mabel.

“Soos...?” Mabel mumbled groggily as she awoke, being lifted into the air by Soos. “Wendy? Dipper?”

Swords began poking through the wood of the door Wendy was holding shut.

“The waffles are coming back!” the redhead shouted. “We gotta hurry!”

“Uh, guys?” Mabel asked.

“Don’t worry, Mabel, we’re gonna get you out of this!” Dipper said. “I think we’re gonna have to fight out way back down! Look for anything that you can use as a weapon!”

“But, Dipper!” Mabel tried.

The girl clapped twice, and everything in the room began to float. With a few quick points, Mabel sat the trio down in various chairs in front of some kind of desk. When the waffles burst in, weapons bared, another two claps from Mabel stopped them.

“... Mabel?” Dipper spoke, slowly getting an idea for what was going on. “Why can you command the guards of your own prison?”

“This isn’t a prison!” Mabel said with a laugh, like that was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard. “I made this world! Well, I sort of woke up here. It’s complicated.”

“What are you saying?” Dipper asked.

With another two claps, the lights in the room came on, revealing a plaque on Mabel’s desk that read “MAYOR MABEL”.

“I’m saying this is my home now,” Mabel answered cheerfully. “And I don’t want to leave!”

“You WHAT?!” Dipper exclaimed, unable to believe what he’d just heard.

“Look,” Mabel explained, “after our fight, I didn’t know what to do. Everything was awful, and I just wanted to hide away forever. But then I woke up in a place that gives me exactly what I want! It’s an endless summer where I never have to grow up! Here the sun shines all day, the party never ends, and now that you guys are here, it’s finally perfect!”

“Listen, Mabel,” Dipper tried, “I know things got pretty bad back there, but we can’t stay here! We have to-!”

“Ugghh,” Mabel interrupted with a groan. “I figured you might say something like that, Dipper. That’s why I prepared a backup Dipper with a more supportive attitude!”

Dipper quirked an eyebrow. “Say what, now?”

Suddenly, a fifty-thousand percent more funky version of Dipper burst into the room on a skateboard. He had a sportier red and black jacket, cargo pants with some kind of loops hanging off them, black leggings(?) with red stitch patterns on them, and yellow goggles with a red frame.

Dipper hated him instantly.

“Wohoho! Yeah!” the new Dipper said as he wheeled over to Mabel, giving the girl a high-five before addressing the others present. “Wiggity-wiggity-what’s up, dude-bros? I’m Dippy Fresh! I like skateboarding, supporting my sister, and punctuating every sentence with a high five! Hup!”

The fresh kid held his hand up to Soos.

“Oh!” the handyman said happily. “Don’t mind if I-”

Dipper cleared his throat loudly, giving Soos a death glare.

Soos looked back and forth between the two Dippers for a moment, before frowning at the OG Dipper.

“I’m sorry, I can’t leave him hanging!” Soos apologized as he gave Dippy Fresh a high five. “Yus!”

Dipper looked at his former friend. “You’re dead to me, Soos.”

“Trust me, you guys are gonna love it here,” Mabel assured the group. “This world always knows what you want. Sometimes even before you do!”

At that, a chinchilla suddenly appeared and dropped into Mabel’s arms.

“Apparently I wanted a chinchilla!” the girl giggled. “Right again, Mabeland!”

“Mabel, listen to yourself,” Dipper said. “This is crazy! I’m sorry about our fight, and I’m sorry things aren’t great right now but that doesn’t mean you can just stay in here forever!”

“Hey, take a Chill Pill!” Dippy Fresh said. “Those grow on trees here!”

Dipper clenched his fists, but bit back the outburst he wanted to give. Instead, he thought of something else to say.

“ _ You know, we all could probably use some of those, _ ” Dipper said through gritted teeth. “ _ Mind getting us some? _ ”

“No problem, broski!” Dippy Fresh said as he rode of on his board.

Dipper was simultaneously very glad that had worked, and angered that even some nineties skater bro version of himself was dumb enough to fall for that.

“I know it sounds too good to be true,” Mabel conceded, “but just give this place a chance! Mabeland knows just what you want and always provides!”

With two quick claps, the trio’s clothes were all patched up and their injuries healed. A floating hamburger approached Soos, and before Dipper could remind him eating the food there was just asking for trouble, the handyman took a big bite.

“Hmm,” Soos mumbled as he swallowed the food. “Pudding center. Nice!”

“Uh, actually, Mabel,” Wendy spoke up, “I’m with Dipper on this. Gravity Falls is in trouble and I really think-”

The redhead was cut off by a loud honking. A glance out the bedroom’s window (the glass of which had spontaneously vanished when they weren’t looking) revealed the sound came from a monster truck filled with her friends.

“Wendy!” they all called.

“Wha- guys?” Wendy gasped, face lighting up with relief. “You’re safe!”

“We’ve got a monster truck full of fireworks, fake IDs, and pranking supplies,” Lee said.

“Wanna drive this truck to the high school and glue this plunger to the principal’s head?” Nate asked, holding up said plunger.

Wendy’s eyes sparkled at the prospect.

“Yes. Yes I do,” the redhead said, before looking back at Dipper and Soos. “Sorry, guys, I’ve always wanted to do that. I’ll be back in just a few minutes.”

With that, Wendy ran out the window, jumped into the truck, and drove off.

“Wendy!” Dipper shouted after her. “C’mon, seriously!?”

“Don’t worry, dude,” Soos, the former friend, said. “There’s nothing in this world that could break me from our mission.”

Suddenly, a buff luchador with a belt that said “PAPI” entered the room.

“Soos, mijo,” the man said. “I have returned.”

“Holy-!” Soos stuttered. “Whoa, whoa. Dad?”

“You don’t remember what I look like,” the man said, “so I have the body of a pro wrestler and a face you once saw on a hot sauce bottle. I was never there for you, but in this world, I can be.”

“You’re perfect!” Soos exclaimed.

“It’s a trap!” Dipper exclaimed. “Don’t go with him, Soos! No matter what he offers you!”

The father-person held out a baseball and glove. “Want to play catch?”

Soos nearly cried at the sight, before turning back to Dipper. “I’m sorry, dude. Even if it is all a dream, I’ve gotta play just one game. Come on, Dad!”

The two ran out of the room, and Dipper sighed. Darn it, much as he wanted to, he couldn’t be mad about that.

“ _ That was playing dirty, Mabeland… _ ” the boy muttered to himself, before looking back to his sister. “Okay, this has gone too far. You can’t honestly think these fantasies are good for anyone.”

“You can’t argue with the results,” Mabel said simply. “People are happy here! Does it really matter if it’s real or not? For once, stop listening to your head and listen to your heart. Mabeland has something for everyone! Even you! In fact…”

A sudden door began slowly opening, a brilliant light shining from within it. But before he could see what was on the other side, Dipper blocked his view with his hands.

“Nope,” Dipper said as he walked out of the room. “Don’t care.”

**_… elihwnaeM, ta eht dimaraeF…_ **

 

“ALRIGHT,” Bill said to his various injured henchmaniacs, “CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY, EVEN WITH OUR NEWFOUND  _ INFINITE POWER _ , NONE OF US CAN ESCAPE THE BORDERS OF THIS  _ STUPID HICK TOWN!?!?! _ ”

Bill sat on his throne, trying to figure the situation out.

“THERE’S SOME KIND OF FORCE FIELD KEEPING US IN, BUT WHO WOULD KNOW HOW TO FIX IT? HMM…”

Bill thought for a moment, before an idea came to him. He held up the goldified form of Stanford, doing a weird kind of grin with his eye.

“MAYBE SOMEONE NEEDS TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT…”

“Bill!” Keyhole shouted, grabbing Bill’s attention as he ran up to the throne. “Uh, sorry, Boss, but Gideon let the Pines family escape! They’re inside Mabel’s bubble as we speak!”

Bill laughed at the news. “BUDDY, MABEL’S BUBBLE IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL TRAP I’VE EVER CREATED! IT WOULD TAKE A WILL OF TITANIUM NOT TO GIVE INTO ITS TEMPTATION. FETCH ME GIDEON AND TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF. THINGS JUST GOT A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING…”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, kcab ni dnalebaM…_ **

 

Dipper stood by a river, scowling. Great to see he could rely on his friends. Now they might all be stuck in this stupid world with a stupid singing tree with stupid singing stuffed animals growing from it. Frustrated, the boy picked up a stone from near the river, and hurled it at the tree. It hit one stuffed animal and then ricocheted into another, then another, until all of them were knocked to the ground. Dipper stared blankly at the sight for a moment, lower eyelid twitching, before letting out a growl and running his hands through his hair.

“Ugh, even my aim is perfect here!” he yelled at no one in particular, before sighing and sitting next to the river. “… Who am I kidding? Maybe Mabel’s right. It’s a horror show out there. At least the air in here is breathable.”

“Dude, you’re talking to a river.”

Dipper looked back, and let out an annoyed huff when he saw who it was.

“Oh, hey, Wendy, what’s up?” Dipper greeted with more that a little snideness. “Glad to see you take time out your busy, school-destroying schedule to come talk to little old me.”

“Alright, alright, I deserved that,” Wendy conceded, sitting next to her friend. “Yeah, that got old quick. And this music is really starting to get on my nerves. I think that stuff you said about this place is right.”

Dipper contemplated another smart remark, but relented after the apology. “Well, now we just need a plan.”

“Don’t worry, you always think of something,” Wendy said, giving a stone a toss.

The stone skipped several times across the water, each impact with the water creating a giggling noise. After four skips the rock shot into the air, exploding into fireworks as a sign that said “100 POINTS” appear.

Dipper’s face fell at the sight, looking on with annoyed incredulity. “Seriously…?”

Wendy chuckled at the boy’s reaction, glancing at him. “You know, you’re so much smarter than like, everyone else. Heh… It’s kinda funny. If you were older you’d be like, my dream guy.”

Dipper looked at the redhead, a bit embarrassed by the compliments. “... You really mean that?”

Wendy nodded, before her eyes lit up. “Wait a minute. In this place you can be any age you want! If we were the same age maybe you and me could, I don’t know, actually be together.”

Dipper smiled. “Really?”

“I bet, if we ask Mabel, she could do it right now!” Wendy said excitedly. “In this place it could finally be just you and me. Come on, man! Just take my hand.”

Wendy held out her hand and winked. Dipper smiled, imagining finally being able to be with Wendy. He reached for the hand, but stopped mid-extension.

“Wait…” Dipper said, suddenly suspicious. “Before you said you didn’t like me like that. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“C’mon, man,” Wendy said with a playful eyeroll. “I always wanted this.”

“No,” Dipper said more firmly. “ _ I _ always wanted this. This isn’t real!”

The Wendy before him suddenly vanished. In her place was a mound of centipedes formed in her likeness, with a dark glowing eye in the center. The pile collapsed, and out of nowhere all of Mabeland took a much darker tinge to it. The singing tree suddenly turn to Dipper, bark darkened and eyes glowing.

“ **You shouldn’t have done that, Dippeerrrr!** ” the stuffed animal tree bellowed out. “ **We’re watching you. THERE ARE EYES EVERYWHERE.** ”

The world suddenly brightened up again as Sev’ral Timez rode by on a five person bicycle. Dipper panted as they each said hi to him, and the stuffed animal tree was back to normal.

‘ _ Oh crap… _ ’ the boy thought.

He ran back to the town, and bumped into an equally frantic Soos and Wendy.

“Guys!” Soos called. “I-I was just playing catch with my dad, but when I tried to leave and find you guys, he-!”

“Turned into a pile of bugs and the world got a lot less cuddly?” Wendy guessed. “Same thing happened to me. You too, Dipper?”

“Uh, yeah,” the boy answered, deciding to never speak of what Mabeland’s temptation for him was. “It’s just like I thought, this place is evil. We have to get Mabel and go back to the  _ REAL WORLD! _ ”

To Dipper’s surprise, his last two words echoed across the world. The citizens of Mabeland gasped, and Dipper was instantly tackled by waffle guards.

“Hey!” the boy exclaimed, trying to break free.

“Under Article Smiley Face of Exhibit Squeaky Duck,” one of the guards declared, “you are hereby accused of breaking our one rule: mentioning reality. Prepare to be banished from this land FOREVER.”

A portal back to the destroyed falls opened, and the guards prepared to throw him out.

“Guys, guys!” Mabel said as she approached the scene. “That’s my brother, c’mon. There’s gotta be another way.”

“No, this is great!” Dipper shouted. “Soos, Wendy, this is our exit! Grab Mabel and let’s get out of here!”

“Hey, wait a minute, Bro-Bro!” Mabel said. “I told you, this is my home now! I’m not going back!”

“Well, we’re not staying here!” Dipper countered. “Right, guys?!”

“Yeah, sorry hambone,” Soos said. “This place is mad evil.”

“The world out there needs us, Mabel,” Wendy added. “We can’t stay here, and neither can you.”

“No, guys!” Mabel began pleading. “This place is only perfect if you’re here! You can’t go!”

“Then I guess we’ll just keep bringing up reality until your guards don’t have a choice!” Dipper fired back.

“Enough!” a waffle guard exclaimed. “There seems to be only one way to settle this matter. If Mayor Mabel wishes the criminals to stay, then she must plead her case in the ultimate trial. Of fantasy vs. reality.”

Dipper frowned.

This couldn’t be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, welcome back to this thing I'm still managing to maintain a schedule on. Kind of. Accidentally forgot to put in the end notes when first uploaded because I have a class to get to. Not really much to say here except that the next chapter is one of my favorites I've written so far, so looking forward to that upload. Also, liking the questions I've gotten so far, and I also like that I'm starting to get some stranger ones in there. If we could get a few more varied questions I think I could do a decent length Q&A chapter on them. Thank you to those who have already commented for helping my little experiment happen. See you tomorrow for Part 4.


	33. Weirdmageddon: Part 4

Dipper and Mabel were led into an open field by the residents of Mabeland, Soos and Wendy caught up in the crowd. Dipper looked at his sister, concerned. He had to beat her in some kind of trial to prove the validity of living in reality? What the heck was he even supposed to do for that? He’d never even seen an episode of Judge Judy, he had no idea how to lawyer. Never mind the fact that Mabel would probably be free to do whatever she wanted. This trial gave him a chance, but not a very great one.

“We’re here,” Craz said as the group came to a stop.

Dipper looked around at the area quizzically. It was just a field, and a pretty normal one by Mabeland standards. There were bleachers for the onlookers, a decently large circle of exposed dirt not unlike the kind from a baseball diamond, but with no bases in sight. The weirdest thing about the place (aside from the trial’s audience) was a very out of place judge’s bench resting in the grass a few feet away from the circle of dirt.

“All rise!” Xyler announced. “For the honorable Judge Kitty Kitty Meow Meow Face-Shwartstein.”

Dipper watched as a cartoonish pink cat in a judge’s outfit took to the bench and started banging a squeaky mallet to draw attention to him.

“Order! Order!” the judge commanded. “This trial begins right meow!”

“Um, judge?” Dipper spoke. “Wouldn’t it be better to do this in a courtroom?”

“Objection!” Mabel suddenly shouted. “Stupid question!”

“Hey!” Dipper exclaimed indignantly.

“Sustained,” the cat judge said simply. “This location will be far more accomodating for the trial.”

“With all due respect, judge,” Dipper asked, “what kind of trial needs an open field?”

“Why, this trial of course,” the cat answered. “The case of fantasy vs. reality. A trial by combat!”

“A what now?” the trio from the outside asked.

“C’mon, guys,” Mabel said with an eyeroll. “Xyler and Craz explained the whole thing on the way over like, three minutes ago.”

“Dude,” Wendy countered, “they just said ‘radical’ and ‘awesometacular’ a bunch.”

“Enough chit-chat,” the judge said. “If the accused requires another explanation, I’ll do that now.”

Dipper nodded.

“This case will be decided in a trial by combat,” Cat Face explained. “The dirt ground is the ring, the grass surrounding it is out of bounds. If you get knocked out of bounds, surrender, or otherwise become incapable of fighting, you lose. No second rounds, no time limits. If Dipper wins, Mabel will return with him to the real world. But if he loses, he will be banished forever! And replaced with town darling, Dippy Fresh! Dippy, come on out.”

“Flip-a-dip-dip!” the copy of Dipper said as he jumped out of the crowd, striking a pose.

Dipper ground his teeth at the sight, and tried to calm himself by going over every corpse-disposal method he knew.

“The final decision will be made by a jury of your peers,” the judge concluded.

“Wait, what?” Dipper asked.

Mabel clapped her hands twice, and suddenly a jury bench appeared to the side of the fighting ring, populated by six copies of Mabel. They started giggling amongst themselves, and Dipper looked back at the judge.

“Why is there a jury?!” the boy asked, frustrated. “You either win, or you don’t! Does this mean even if I knock Mabel out I’ll still lose if they say so?!”

“Pretty much,” the judge said with a shrug as he played with a stray bit of yarn.

“Mabel!” Dipper cried, looking to his sister.

“Hey,” the girl said with a shrug, “I don’t make the rules.”

“YES YOU DO!”

“Begin!” the judge declared with a pound of his toy gavel.

“Wha-? Ah!”

Dipper barely managed to sidestep a sudden punch from Mabel as she came at him. She took another swing at him, which Dipper managed to deflect with a quick grab of Mabel’s arm. He went in and tried driving a side kick into her stomach, but the girl caught the attack with both hands before it could land properly. But before she could do anything with the captured limb, Dipper jumped up and swung his free leg right into the side of Mabel’s unprotected head. The strike sent her sprawling to the ground, and she nearly landed face first in the grass. Luckily for her, she managed to catch herself on the dirt, using her arms to keep her face from sinking into the grassy boundary.

Meanwhile, Dipper fell flat on his back in the dirt. He quickly got to his feet and ran over to Mabel, intent on pushing her into the grass. She heard him coming though, and donkey-kicked behind her when the sound of footsteps was close enough. Her feet both collided with Dipper’s chest, sending him tumbling back. He turned his fall into a back roll, managing to get back on his feet just as Mabel did the same.

Eager to get away from the ring’s boundary, Mabel ran around Dipper’s side, trying to get more into the center. Dipper ran at her, but then Mabel spun to meet him. With a kick, she drove up a cloud of dust in his face. Dipper managed to close his eyes before any of it got in them, but that left him with the issue of being totally blind and open to Mabel’s attack. Thinking fast, Dipper decided his sister would likely target his stomach in an attempt to render him unable to fight. Staking his win on the gamble, Dipper tightened his abs. Sure enough, a second later he felt a fist collide with his solidified muscles. Barely even feeling the strike, Dipper grabbed the extended fist and pulled forward. He went for a clothesline, but Mabel managed to duck under it, Dipper’s arm barely grazing the top of her ponytail.

Dipper twirled around, facing away from the dust cloud. He opened his eyes just in time to see Mabel bringing a spinning roundhouse right at him. Dipper didn’t have time to avoid the strike, so he took it head on. The kick collided with his side painfully, but he blocked it out and grabbed Mabel’s leg, holding it firmly against his side and rendering it immobile. Mabel jumped with her other leg, trying to do the same maneuver Dipper had pulled on her earlier. Unfortunately for her, he had expected it. As soon as Mabel’s foot left the ground, Dipper spun around as fast as he could, dragging Mabel through the air and completely throwing off her balance.

Mabel was tossed to the edge of the arena, but didn’t go far enough to fall out of bounds. In fact, she still had a few good feet between her and the grass. She came to as stop laying on her stomach, and tried to get back up on her feet as fast as possible. But before she could even get to her knees, Dipper dropped down on top of her, pinning her to the ground with his body and managing to wrap his arm around her neck in the process.

“Tap out!” Dipper told her as he began choking his sister.

“No!” Mabel grunted, trying with no avail to get the boy off her.

The jury of Mabels began booing, one shouting that chokeholds weren’t fair.

“Objection, your honor!” Dipper yelled as he struggled to keep Mabel pinned. “Chokeholds weren’t deemed as an illegal move beforehand!”

“You’re objecting to the jury?” the judge asked incredulously.

“Yes!” Dipper insisted, before thinking the question over. “... Can I not do that?”

“Meowverruled,” the judge stated simply, “on the grounds that the defendant has no idea what he’s talking about.”

Dipper grumbled, before noticing that Mabel’s resistance was starting to lose steam. “C’mon Mabel, forfeit already!”

Mabel tried firing back, but all that came out was a strangled wheeze. She couldn’t breath, and things were starting to go dark. The jury was at the edge of their seats, each one shouting some kind of denial as to what was happening, or yelling at Dipper to let her go. But the boy’s grip remained a vice, and Mabel’s attempted strikes became weaker and weaker. Dipper didn’t like having to knock his sister out, but if that’s what he had to do to get Mabel out of Bill’s prison, then-

What was that noise?

Dipper heard a rattling approach from behind. He turned just in time to see Dippy Fresh on his skateboard barreling straight at him. Fresh Boi jumped, about to slam his broad straight into Dipper the Not Fresh. Dipper managed to roll out of the way just in time, and Dippy Fresh soared right over the now released Mabel. He caught his board in mid-air and landed on his feet, skidding to a stop just before touching the grass.

“Righteous intro, huh sisterino?” Dippy Fresh asked as Mabel coughed.

The girl nodded, trying to get her breathing back under control.

“Objection, outside interference!” Dipper said.

“Each side is allowed one witness,” the judge said.

“Then can  _ I _ call in some back up?!” Dipper asked, getting thoroughly sick of all these rules no one bothered telling him about.

“Only one witness can have the stand at a time,” cat judge said with an eye roll. “Honestly kid, that part’s just standard courtroom procedure.”

“NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS STANDARD!” Dipper countered, patience wearing thin.

At that, Dippy Fresh ran forward. He swung the flat of his skateboard at Dipper’s head, the target barely managing to back-step out of range in time.

“And I suppose there’s some rule that lets him use a weapon, huh!?” Dipper shouted at the judge.

“Under Article Narwhal, Subsection Rubber Ducky-”

“ _ Oh, forget it! _ ”

Dipper avoided several swings of the board, but quickly realized he was being forced back to the edge of the ring. Waiting for the opening that came right when Dippy Fresh finished a swing, Dipper suddenly lunged forward. He had a powerful punch aimed right at Dippy Fresh’s stupid nineties face, when the boi suddenly pulled the board back to him. Dipper’s fist collided not with his imposter’s nose, but rather the flat of his skateboard.

The rough, sandpaper-y part of it.

Dipper hissed as he felt the skin of his knuckles be shredded from the impact. Despite the pain, he grabbed the board with both his hands before Dippy Fresh could pull it away. Dippy Fresh scowled, and the two played a quick game of tug of war over it. Dipper managed to get the upper hand by twisting the board to the side. Dippy Fresh lost his grip, and Dipper yanked the board from him.

Quick as he could, Dipper swung Dippy Fresh’s own skateboard right back at him. Knowing he wouldn’t have time to dodge, the fresher of the two instead drove a sturdy kick right into Dipper’s knee. The strike weakened Dipper’s swing, but didn’t stop it completely. The board cracked into Dippy’s face, sending him to the ground with a pained grunt.

Dipper let out a similar at the new pain blooming in his knee, stumbling a bit before he managed to catch himself. It didn’t feel broken, but he wouldn’t be able to do any fancy footwork for a while. Dipper watched as Dippy Fresh picked himself up off the ground, groaning in pain. Blood dripped out of the copy’s nose, and his goggles were askew on his face. That gave him an idea…

Dipper tossed the skateboard out of the ring, and gave a quick glance at Mabel. She was better, but still coughing. Not quite recovered enough to jump back into things. Perfect time to to put his plan into action.

“Not coolio, dudio!” Dippy Fresh said as he readjusted his goggles and stood up. “Using a homie’s own board against him? Seriously not chill.”

“You know, you’re right,” Dipper said. “Before we get back into this, mind if I get that chill pill you promised?”

“Oh yeah!” Dippy Fresh said, remembering he had gotten a few of those earlier. “No problemo! Got a couple right here! Want one, or two?”

“Two, please,” Dipper said.

Dippy Fresh tossed him the chill pills, and Dipper plopped them into his mouth. A while back, Mabel had gone on this long ramble as to what she thought a chill pill should be like. Strong spearmint flavor that cracked into a deliciously cool goo in your mouth. And as Dipper bit into the pills and they gushed over his tongue, he had to repress a smirk when he found they were exactly that.

“Cool now?” Dippy Fresh asked.

Dipper nodded. “Ice cold.”

Dippy Fresh ran at Dipper, throwing a quick jab at his opponent. Dipper dodged with relative ease, and Dippy Fresh immediately went for a follow up. Unfortunately for him, he’d gotten just close enough for Dipper’s plan to work. Dipper spit the chill pill goo out, the slime splatting straight onto Dippy Fresh’s goggles. Startled by his sudden blindness, he quickly went to wipe them off. But Dipper was faster, laying into Dippy Fresh with a brutal combo. A punch to the gut, a hook to his already injured nose, a throat chop, and a few more jabs to his chest and face just for good measure. With a final knee to the stomach, Dipper grabbed his doppelganger and threw him out of the ring, Dippy Fresh landing in the grass, immobilized by pain.

“Dippy Fresh!” the jury and Soos all cried at the sight.

Dipper let out a heavy breath, wincing at the flare up of pain in his knee from the pivoting throw, and in his right fist’s raw, bleeding skin from being used to punch Dippy Fresh so many times. He wasn’t exactly in the best shape, and Mabel seemed to have recovered enough to get back in the fight. His sister was glaring at him, and the boy turn to the judge.

“Dippy Fresh has left the stand,” Dipper said. “The defense would like to call its witness now.”

“Fine, fine,” the cat judge relented, taping his gavel. “The defense’s motion is approved. Call your witness.”

“Don’t word, dood,” Soos said as he rose from his seat. “I got your back!”

“Uh, Soos?” Dipper spoke. “I was going to call Wendy.”

“Oh…” Soos said dejectedly, sitting back down.

Wendy meanwhile, launched herself over the audience members in her way. She landed with a roll, coming to a stop just inside the dirt fighting arena. The redhead looked between her partner and opponent, and stood up.

“Take a breather, Dipper,” Wendy said, getting into a fighting stance. “I’ve got this.”

Mabel frowned at the sight of her friend that she’d have to fight. “Sorry about this, Wendy.”

The two girls ran at each other. Wendy shot a punch right at Mabel’s cheek, taking advantage of her longer reach. Mabel on the other hand, took advantage of her smaller stature, easily ducking under the strike and driving her elbow into into Wendy’s stomach. The redhead let out a pained wheeze, fully unprepared for the blow.

Dipper grimaced at the sight. While Wendy might be “a flippin’ Corduroy” she clearly didn’t have as much experience fighting as Mabel. The younger girl’s reflexes were finely tuned, and she was plenty used to fighting opponents bigger than herself. If Wendy wasn’t careful, this could go very bad for her.

The redhead grunted, trying to block out the pain in her stomach. Wendy jump back a step, forcing Mabel to follow so as to not get hit from out of her range. Wendy trying to figure out on the fly how best to deal with a smaller opponent that she didn’t really want to hurt. She couldn’t afford to let Mabel get too close, but if she kept backing up she’d eventually be run out of the ring. Deciding to use her size, Wendy tucked her arms in and suddenly charged at Mabel, attempting to shoulder-check her. Mabel was caught off guard by the sudden change in tactics, and the best she could do in response was drive a jab into Wendy’s unguarded face. The punch stung, but wasn’t enough to stop the older girl. Wendy barreled into Mabel, knocking her flat on her back.

Upon landing Mabel shot her foot out, and managed to kick one of Wendy’s shins out from under her. Wendy couldn’t keep her balance and fell forward, trying to use her fall to drive a powerful elbow into Mabel. The younger girl rolled out of the way just in time, Wendy’s elbow crashing painfully into the ground. Mabel hit her redheaded foe across her face with a quick hook, before rolling back again and pushing herself to her feet. Wendy tasted her own blood in her mouth, glaring at Mabel as she rose to her feet.

“Okay, Mabel,” Wendy spoke, frustration growing. “This is getting old. Would you just quit it and come back with us already?”

“I told you,” Mabel said firmly, “this is my home now. I’m not going back, and there’s nothi-”

The younger girl was cut off by suddenly being grabbed from behind.

“What the-!?”

“You got distracted, sis,” Dipper said, locking Mabel in a full nelson. “Now, Wendy!”

The redhead rushed forward and began laying into her captured opponent. She drove punch after punch into Mabel’s abdomen, staying just far enough away so that Mabel couldn’t kick her in response. Instead Mabel tried breaking Dipper’s grip on her, but was met with no luck. Dipper’s hands were firm on the back of her neck, so she couldn’t headbutt him.

Mabel grimaced as what had to be the tenth punch hit her. She was tensing her stomach muscles to minimize the damage, but she couldn’t keep it up for much longer. She slammed her heel down on Dipper’s toes, grinding them in an effort to weaken Dipper’s grip. While her brother did let out an exclamation of pain, he managed to keep his hold on her sturdy.

Seeing that this wasn’t working, and grunting as a particularly strong punch hit her gut, Mabel tried something a little different. She jumped, swinging her legs up even as her torso was held in place. The sudden shift in weight caused Dipper to stumble a few steps forward. It was enough to close the distance between Mabel and her redheaded foe. Mabel kicked up and off Wendy’s own chest, sending the older girl falling back. Wendy crashed to the ground, arms outstretched to cushion her fall. Meanwhile, Dipper’s already shot balance was further endangered by Mabel kicking off of Wendy’s body like a parkourist. The weight pushed him back, sending him to the ground and dragging Mabel down on top of him. Being crushed between the earth and the body on top of him, Dipper’s grip finally slackened.

Mabel broke out of Dipper’s arms and rolled off of him before he could tighten his grip again. She pushed herself off the ground and rose to a kneeling position, clutching her battered stomach in pain.

Wendy grunted, about to rise and jump back into the fray, when the judge spoke.

“The defense’s witness has left the stand,” the cat declared with a tap of his squeaky mallet.

Wendy was about to ask what he was talking about, when she felt a soft sensation on her left palm. Her hand was resting in the grass, which meant she had technically gone out of bounds. She growled in frustration before picking herself up and walking out of the ring. She nodded at Dipper as he rose to his feet, before heading back into the audience.

Dipper panted as he looked back to his sister. Mabel seemed to have mostly come back from her choking earlier, but her breathing was ragged. Combine that with the numerous body shots she had taken, and she probably wasn’t in the best shape. Then again, Dipper wasn’t much better. His right hand knuckles burned and bleed from the skinning they’d gotten, his toes ached something fierce, and his knee still wasn’t feeling right from that kick he took earlier. Fortunately his knee and toe injuries were on the same leg, so his other leg was still fine, but that still severely limited his movement options. Luckily for him, Mabel didn’t seem up to moving around much at the moment.

“You’re welcome to give up any time now,” Dipper said.

Mabel scoffed, spitting at the comment. “No way bro… Not happening…”

“Mabel, all of this is crazy,” Dipper said. “You know that, right?”

“You’re crazy…!” Mabel panted. “This place is… is perfect! We could… be happy…!”

“None of this is real, Mabel!” Dipper shouted.

“So!?” Mabel fired back. “Real life… real life sucks! Real life is… Mom and Dad… hating each other! Not having… any friends! Being alone! I can’t even… can’t even count on you…!”

Dipper frowned, looking away. “... You’re right.”

Mabel looked at her brother, confused. “What…?”

“You’re right,” Dipper repeated. “I… I wasn’t there for you. Not like I should’ve been. I’ve been getting on to you about hiding from reality, but look at me. I didn’t tell you about Mom and Dad because I somehow thought that if you didn’t know it would just… go away. I wanted to hide out in Gravity Falls and pretend our parents don’t exist. I guess… I guess I haven’t really been dealing with things either.”

Dipper took a few steps closer to Mabel. The girl tensed up, not sure what her brother was planning.

“H-Hey…!” she stammered. “Stay back!”

“We can’t keep doing this, Mabel,” Dipper said. “Ignoring our crappy problems doesn’t make them go away. They’re still there, we’re just tricking ourselves into thinking they aren’t. That’s all this place is, Mabel. We can’t fix our problems by acting like they don’t exist.”

“B-bro!” Mabel cried, looking scared.

“... Maybe you were right,” Dipper confessed. “Maybe I really did give up. Maybe if I had… I don’t know, tried doing what you do, maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe not. But I can’t live in what-if’s or some imaginary world. All I can do is my best. Face my problems head on.”

“What are you…?” Mabel asked.

“I’m going back, Mabel,” Dipper said. “Back to Mom and Dad. I’m not going to hide from this anymore. I’m going to do what I can. It might not change anything, but I owe it to this family to try. I’ll never be able to move on unless I deal with this.”

Dipper knelt down in front of his sister. Mabel was shaking, tears beginning to build in her eyes as she was forced to confront all the nasty feelings and truths she’d been trying to hide from. Dipper saw her fear, her sadness, and extended a hand with a light smile.

“Will you come back with me?”

Mabel’s eyes closed, water running down her cheeks. She sniffled, wiping her eyes before looking her brother straight in his.

“... Yeah,” she said as she took his hand.

The audience members all gasped as Dipper helped Mabel to her feet. The cat judge slammed his gavel, repeatedly calling for order. The jury started booing, one even going, “What was that!?” One Mabel on the jury was actually cheering, but the other five all silenced her with glares.

Mabel looked at her brother, not really sure what to say. Dipper gave his sister a lopsided smile as they stood before each other.

“Awkward sibling hug?” Dipper offered.

“DON’T DO IT!” Craz shouted.

“You do this and it’s all over!” the judge warned her.

Mabel grinned lightly as she embraced her brother. “Sincere sibling hug.”

“DON’T DO THE PATS!” the judge cried.

“Pat pat,” the twins said, patting each other on the back.

A powerful ripple suddenly burst forth from the twins that shook Mabeland to its very core. The jurors disappeared, and the shockwave blew the cat judge’s Official Judge Wig TM off.

“Aw, man…” Mabel grumbled as she rubbed her eyes. “I never noticed how bright this place is, ugh! Have I actually been listening to the same song for an entire week?”

The cat judge began violently hissing at her, and Mabel winced.

“Whoa, time to calm you down,” she said as she clapped twice, only to find no change occuring. “... Uh, why isn’t this working?”

“Because,” the cat growled, “your reign over this land is  _ OVER! _ ”

With a cry, the cat’s skin split open, peeling back to reveal a monster made of living yarn. The humans present all gasped as the happy and colorful world of Mabeland transformed into a horrific nightmare before their eyes.

“... That’s about right,” Dipper muttered, before turning to Wendy and Soos. “Let’s move it!”

The four grouped up and ran, Dipper firmly ignoring the spike of pain he felt with each rapid step. They ran through the town as all the inhabitants became dark versions of themselves and gave chase. Mabel led the group to where a giant rideable Waddles was parked, and got everyone to hop on. Mabel got Waddles awake and had him charge through the town, barreling past whatever nightmare tried to stop them. As they fled, Mabel grabbed a giant sewing needle from one of the buildings. As they approached the edge of the world, the giant Waddles jumped into the air, and Mabel stuck the point of the needle out like a spear.

“Sorry, Mabeland!” the girl shouted. “It’s time to burst your bubble!”

As the needle struck the wall of the prison, the entire bubble popped. The giant ball of magic exploded into confetti, and the escapes landed on one of the cliffs. Everyone tumbled off of Waddles just as he started shrinking back to his normal size. Dipper noted that their clothes were all back to how they were before Mabel had fixed them up. It seemed the effects of Mabeland were completely undone.

Mabel looked to her friends the her brother who had rescued her, and they all had a group hug. Even Waddles got in on it.

“Thanks, guys,” Mabel said, before breaking away. “Man, I went nuts back there. I mean come on. The real world can’t be that bad, right?”

It was at that moment the girl saw the state that the town was in, various giant monsters roaming the area, and the Fearamid floating in the air.

“Oh boy…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, and this is my favorite chapter out of the Weirdmageddon stuff. The two chapters after this are mostly just wrap up. The final part of Weirdmageddon is mostly about Stan and Ford anyway, so it isn't like anything would really be different anyway. Although, I did do something a little fun with the next chapter. Guess I'll see what you all think about it. Anyway, got to go, thanks for reading. Fell free to leave @#Y l!!!!&%$^#^@*$&###################################################################-


	34. w3!rDm@g3DD0n;P@rT %&#%)(*¿

It saw them escape.

Of course It saw the escape. It saw every part of every part. It hadn’t yet witnessed the escape, just as It had already witnessed it countless times. Sequence was such an odd concept that they held. It simultaneously understood them and was incapable of grasping such a limited viewpoint.

But if thinking like them, It saw what came “next”. They found the rest in the safe place. The Pine Tree rallied them. They began preparing for a “final stand”. Such a short-sighted notion, that. There was nothing “final” about it, but then again, It couldn’t fully grasp the notion of something being final it the first place. All was what all was.

They built. They schemed. They would fail, because they had failed already. The Fez had already seen to that, or he would.

The Triangle awoke the Six-Fingered One. Tried to turn him. He had failed later, but was not aware of his failure in that moment. But It was. It was aware of what “would” happen, and what “had happened already”.

Pine Tree and the other Zodiacs launched their offensive. They had already won, but had not yet arrived at the victory. They would soon enough. It considered that It might be improving at this “sequence” thinking.

The Triangle’s minions were defeated. The Triangle would be confounded by the protection on the building, but It new the Triangle would win eventually. Victory was also a strange concept to It. One victory was merely an instant in an eternity of instances. Ultimately pointless, but perhaps that was the point. Perhaps It didn’t understand “sequence” that well, after all.

Pine Tree and Shooting Star led the assault on the Triangle’s base. It also saw the Claw approaching. It was confused for a moment, as the Claw wasn’t meant to be there in those moments. It realized that It saw the Claw coming later, when he was supposed to. So odd, It mused, thinking in sequence while seeing so much more.

It noted that the Other Shooting Star was doing well. Her existence was wonderfully bizarre to It. So close to It’s existence, but not close enough. Other Shooting Star was unique in her ability to take to such an existence. Shooting Star would be an excellent receptor for It’s message. It was glad It had sent her the message, It would have to do that later.

Ah, the humans were bested. The Triangle had captured most of the Zodiac. He thought he was safe, but It knew better. The Triangle chased Pine Tree and Shooting Star while the Fez and Six-Fingered One changed clothes. It was confused why the Triangle didn’t know of the attempted deception, until It realized that the Triangle couldn’t see it. Such limited perspective. So perplexing.

The Triangle was tricked. He was trapped, and died. As he was destroyed, he did what needed be done. It did as the Triangle asked, and sent him away.

All was as all was.

 

**18   0   21   18   21   4   7**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -###########################################################################
> 
> ######?#%@(#^&!
> 
> $$$$$$&@*!^&@(@?>@&#
> 
> @$#^&#*#^?<####
> 
> ######################################################################-


	35. Weirdmageddon: Part 5

“Good morning, Gravity Falls,” Shandra Jimenez spoke over the news. “It’s another beautiful day, but every day is beautiful now that the…  _ unpleasantness _ is over. In other news, the Northwest family has gone broke. After pledging his allegiance to Bill and then placing all his savings in weirdness bonds, Preston Northwest had to sell his mansion to preserve his family fortune. But fortunes have also turned for local maniac, Fiddleford McGucket, who, after regaining his sanity, has made millions overnight submitting his patents to the US government. In other good news, town hero, Stanley Pines, has fully recovered his memory and will be throwing a party to celebrate his niece and nephew’s thirteenth birthday and final day in town. But other than that, I can safely say our beloved Gravity Falls is back to normal. And now, Bodacious T, with sports.”

 

**_… elihwnaeM, ni eht nwoT erauqS…_ **

 

“None of us really understand what just happened,” Mayor Tyler spoke to the gathered crowd, “and none of us want to. That’s why I’m passing the Never Mind All That Act. If anyone goes asking around about the ‘events’ of the last few days, what do we say?”

“Never mind all that!” the crowd chanted.

“And if you break the rules, we’re gonna zap you,” Sheriff Blubs said as he and Durland brandished tasers.

“Zap! Zap!” Durland chimed in. “We’re mad with power!  _ And love~ _ ”

 

**_… retaL, ta a thgirypoc yldneirf yadhtrib ytrap…_ **

 

“ _... to yoooooou~ _ ” the crowd finished singing to the twins.

“I can’t believe you all got together just to throw a party for us!” Mabel squeal to the gathered townsfolk.

“After all the Pines family has done for the town, it’s the least we could do,” Mayor Tyler said. “You’ve helped everyone here.”

“Thanks to y’all savin’ us,” Gideon spoke up, “I’m gonna learn to open my heart to kindness. No more evil-doin’. From now on, I’m gonna try to be Li’l Gideon, regular ol’ kid.”

Dipper nodded, interested to see how long Gideon would be able to keep to that decision.

“Dude!” Soos said as he walked over with a cake, candles lit. “Make a wish, dawg.”

Dipper chuckled to himself. “What do we have left to wish for? You guys have already given us everything I could want.”

“If I had only one wish it would be to shrink all of you with the shrink ray and bring you home with us in my pocket,” Mabel said. “But since that’s impossible…”

She trailed off, and looked to Ford.

“Is that impossible?” she asked.

Ford shrugged.

“... Since that’s probably impossible,” Mabel went on, “my only wish is for everyone to sign my scrapbook. I’ll never forget you guys. Wait.”

Mabel pulled out the Memory Gun and smashed it on the ground, completely destroying it.

“ _ Now _ I’ll never forget you guys!”

They blew out their birthday candles. Once they had, Wendy came over and hugged them both.

“I now officially declare you technically teenagers,” the redhead said with a grin. “Welcome to angst and acne forever.”

“One of us! One of us!” her friends chanted.

“WOOPEE!” Blubs and Durland cheered as they fired a confetti cannon.

“So how do you feel?” Soos asked.

“Same-y,” Mabel said, “but different-y.”

“Hey, you two,” Pacifica said. “You going to open up your presents, already? I think you’ll like this one.”

Dipper looked on curiously at the envelope being handed to him by the blonde. It was fairly stuffed with something, and after opening the envelope Dipper understood why.

Dipper let out a startled cough at the sight. “Th-This is…?”

“Your fee,” Pacifica answered. “From when you helped clear that ghost out of the mansion. My parents never did pay you.”

“And they were okay with giving away this much money?” Dipper asked. “Even after the cut to their bank accounts?”

“They will be,” Pacifica said with a smirk. “As long as you don’t tell them about it.”

Mabel smiled. “We’ve been a good influence on her.”

While the kids were busy opening up their presents, Ford lead his brother away.

“Stanley, I need to talk to you,” Ford said. “I didn’t wanna say anything with everyone listening, but we’ve got a problem. Weirdmageddon has been contained but I’m detecting some strange new anomalies near the arctic ocean. I want to go investigate it, but I think I might be too old to go it alone.”

Stan perked up at that. “Are you sayin’ you need someone to help you sail around the world in the adventure of a lifetime?”

“I don’t just want someone to come with me Stanley,” Ford corrected. “I want it to be you. Will you give me a second chance?”

“You think we’ll find treasure?” Stan asked excitedly. “And babes?”

“Heh! I’d say there’s a high probability,” Ford laughed. “But, what should we do with the Mystery Shack?”

“I think the town’s had enough mystery for one lifetime,” Stan said. “Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”

Once they got on the same level, the two older twins walked out, and Stan started tapping a fork against a bottle of Pitt Cola to get everyone’s attention.

“Everyone, I have an announcement to make,” Stan spoke to the crowd. “Me and my nerdy bro over here have some catchin’ up to do. We’re gonna be away for a while. That’s why I’m shutting down the Mystery Shack for good.”

Various members of the crowd gasped, but one party-goer was more vocal.

“You shut down your mouth for good!” Soos cried, running up to his boss. “I’m sorry, Mr. Pines. It’s just that this shack is the most magical place on Earth. Sure, the attractions are all fake, but dreams aren’t fake! You shut down this shack, and you shut down our dreams! At least… my dreams.”

The crowd looked sad, and Stan sighed.

“I’m sorry, Soos,” Stan apologized. “It’s just, there’s no one around to run it… At least, there wouldn’t be if I hadn’t just found the perfect replacement!”

Stan took off his fez and placed it on the former handyman’s head. Soos was awestruck by the act.

“Ladies and gentleman,” Stan announced, “the Mystery Shack is under new management.”

The crowd cheered, and Soos looked happier than he’d ever been.

“You… you mean it, Mr. Mystery?” Soos asked.

“You’re Mr. Mystery now, Soos,” Stan said with a wink. “Try not to burn the place down.”

Suffice it to say, there was much to celebrate that day.

 

**_… retaL…_ **

 

The twins stood at the bus stop near the Shack, luggage packed. The Stans were right there with them, along with Soos, Wendy, Grenda, Candy, and Waddles.

“Do you really have to go?” Candy asked. “There’s still so much we haven’t done together.”

“Summer’s over, Candy,” Mabel said. “It’s time for us to grow up.”

“But not too much,” Dipper added.

“Aaah! I hate my dumb heart for making me feel things!” Grenda exclaimed, punching herself in the chest. “Cut! It! Out! Heart!”

“Hey, can you punch my heart, too?” Soos asked, on the verge of tears.

“No, mine!” Candy cried. “Punch my feelings away!”

Mabel hugged the two girls. “Candy and Grenda, thank you for being my people. You’ll always be my best friends.”

“Hey,” Wendy said as she knelt next to Dipper, “you mean a lot to me, man.”

Dipper grinned, fist-bumping his totally cool friend. “You too.”

Wendy went in for a hug, which surprised Dipper. He tried not to make it an awkward friends hug, but was doubly startled when Wendy suddenly yanked his letterman jacket up and off of him.

“Hey-!” Dipper exclaimed, before getting Wendy’s lumberjack hat shoved down on his head.

Wendy put Dipper’s letterman on over her shirt. It was noticeably small on her, only going down to the middle of her stomach, and the sleeves leaving most of her forearms exposed. Despite that, she managed to make the look work.

“Something to remember each other by,” she said with a smile.

At that point, the bus pulled up, and the bus driver called the all aboard. Mabel had a tearful goodbye with Waddles, but reluctantly left him in Gravity Falls. Things would be tough enough with their parents going back. No need to tempt fate with a new pet, and Soos promised to take good care of him. After a characteristically gruff goodbye from Stan, the two made their way into the bus.

They sat in the back, each deep in thought. They may not know what the future might hold for them. They didn’t know if they could really help their parents in this difficult time. Maybe they wouldn’t make a difference. Maybe they would make all the difference in the world. They wouldn’t know until they tried, and that was exactly what they would do.

It could be scary. Suddenly being ripped from your childhood. Being forced to deal with problems a child shouldn’t have to worry about. No matter how you try preparing, it never seems to be enough. But come what may, reunion or tragedy, Dipper and Mabel were determined to confront it, head on. Together. And as long as they had each other by their side…

What could go wrong?

 

**25-11-11   5-21-1   20-11-4-0   25-1-19-19-11-24.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. Finally done with the first half of this story. Yes, you read that right. This entire recap portion of the story makes for only about HALF of what I have planned. This wild ride is no where near done yet, so if anyone was worried that the recap stuff would be most of what I have to offer, don't be. We're just getting started.
> 
> But anyway, look how far we've come. It's almost been a full year since I started posting this story. Kind of hoped I would've reached this point sooner, but whatever. There have been ups, downs, and all-arounds, but it has been fun so far. Hopefully it'll be more fun now that I don't have to play the game of balancing originality with sticking to the original script. I know I've said this before, but that SERIOUSLY started getting old.
> 
> In any case, not much to say on this chapter. It was the epilogue for this part of the tale, and also a sign that the craziness of the past several days caused Dipper to forget what a jinx is. What COULD go wrong from here?
> 
> A lot.
> 
> A lot could go wrong. And a lot will go wrong. But that's for another day.
> 
> In other news, big thanks to everyone who submitted questions for the Q&A chapter! I've got plenty to work with and have already started putting the chapter together. But don't let that discourage you if you still have something to ask! I'll still be accepting any last minute questions from now until Monday, just to be safe. Feel free to ask away about basically anything. I've been really pleased with the turn out, so if you have anything at all to and, please do. This experiment has been a huge success and I'm having a lot of fun with it.
> 
> With that said, thank you all so much for sticking with me this long. From here on out the upload schedule is going to be much less consistent, so unfortunately there will be more dry spells for uploads than I'd like, but that can't really be helped. Rest assured though, this story will be finished. I've put way too much time into this to not see it through to the end. So short of me dying, this will get done. I hope you enjoy all the stuff I have planned.
> 
> I have been Loser With Fedora, and you all have been fantastic readers. Until next time.


	36. The Q&A Extravaganza!

Deep in the woods of Roadkill County Oregon, a lone cabin rests between the various pines. The cabin is nice looking, seeming fresh and new, but is small. It seems big enough to have only a single room. It’s fairly homey within, the single room being well lit by a crackling fireplace and several lanterns. A comfortable chair rests in the center of the room, a desk nearby with various writing notes scattered upon it. But on this chair rests a fedora-clad individual, reading a copy of  _ The Amazing Spider-Man Annual #1 _ , that in this wonderful fantasy world can be opened, read, and touched by human hands while still being mint-condition. The individual looks up at the reader, face adorned by a bemused smile.

“Ah, excuse me,” I say. “Didn’t see you come in. I am the loser that frequently wears a fedora. But you all knew that, of cour-”

“Are you seriously still doing this overused joke?”

“AH!!!” I exclaim, recoiling in horror.

Before me, in a chair much like my own that certainly hadn’t been there before, sits a spindly robot with an HD computer screen for a face. It looks at me, monitor displaying a skeptical emoji face as I try in vain to push my heavy chair back along the wooden floor.

“The Auto-Censor!” I cry, pointing at it dramatically. “What are you doing here, I killed you!? Also, since when can you talk?”

“This is a non-canon chapter of the story,” the Auto-Censor states, still not sounding impressed by me. “Continuity has no power here, and the rules can be made up on the fly. And besides, you just going over questions from your readers with no one to talk to would be really boring. So here I am, back from the dead for this one chapter to make things more interesting.”

I blink. “... So I don’t have to worry about your vengeful robot spirit coming for my internal organs?”

“Even if I did shoot your new kidneys,” the Auto-Censor goes on, “once this chapter ends nothing that happens in it will impact anything going forwa- Argh, why am I even telling you this?! You created this stupid world, you know all the rules!”

I smile, relaxing back into my chair. “Well, obviously. But I had to get the exposition out here somehow, didn’t I?”

The Auto-Censor groans, and image of an annoyed-with-Excalibur face appearing on its screen-head. “I’m going to have to deal with this the whole time, aren’t I?”

“Yep!” I laugh. “It’s a sick world where I control everything!”

“Let’s just get this stupid thing started already…” the machine before me mumbles. “I have an exciting career of being dead to get back to.”

“Alright, alright!” I say excitedly, turning back to the reader. “Thank you all for tuning in! Tonight we bring to you the Fighting in the Falls Q&A Extravaganza! Brought to you by, well, you! Big thanks to everyone who submitted their questions to make this chapter happen! You guys are the real heroes of this chapter! Round of applause, c’mon everyone!”

The live studio audience begins cheering and clapping, celebrating the amazing readers that have made this story what it is.

“You’re really overdoing this,” the Auto-Censor comments.

“And you’re a killjoy who only gets to remain living while I allow it,” I fire back. “Maybe try to enjoy it and don’t be such a wet blanket.”

“Fine,” the robot says, relenting. “Anything else we need to say before getting started?”

“Oh, yeah!” I say with a snap of my fingers. “The order of the questions answered!”

“Okay, structure,” the Auto-Censor said with a nod. “I can get behind a properly organized system. So what is the order?”

“There isn’t one!”

The sound of glass shattering can be heard as the Auto-Censor glares at me. “... Why are you tormenting me?”

“ _ Remember those two kidneys you shot? _ ” I whisper harshly with a maniacal grin, leaning toward my companion. “ _ Your suffering amuses me. _ ”

“Wonderful…”

“But seriously,” I say, turning my attention back to the reader. “Some of the questions are pretty similar to each other, so those will be paired up together. And while I’ll try going in chronological order when I can, some of these questions are just better saved for the end, so I’ll be going a little all over the place with what I answer when. Really, this is just me having a fun, laid-back time with you all. So anyway, let’s get started already!”

“Finally,” the Auto-Censor says, opening up a letter that it suddenly held. “The first submission comes from CLMac on Chapter 29. Mac asks two questions. First, will Dipper and Mabel ever see there parents again, will one of the parents win custody, and will Stan and Ford swoop in to save the day?”

“Ah, yes,” I say. “We got several questions about this topic as the marathon went on. Some other commenters that asked similar questions to this or commented that they wanted the twins to stay with the Stans are PichiBirdy and TheWarPigWearer. By now part of this question has been answered. Yes, the twins are going back to their parents. But considering that there’s a whole other half to this story after they return home, you can probably imagine that it doesn’t go well.”

“TheWarPigWearer also wanted to know why the twins even went back to their parents,” the Auto-Censor chimes in. “That’s simple, friend. The writer needed them to leave at the end of the summer so that the timeskip could set up certain things for later on in the story. In other words, lazy writing.”

“Hey-hey-hey!” I counter. “No, there  _ IS _ a reason for it! Dipper is a character that prefers to face problems instead of running from them. Upon being faced with the reality that he’s been avoiding the problems with his parents, his first instinct is basically to take the problem head on. And like he says, he feels guilty that he didn’t make a bigger effort to help his parents. And it’s not like Mabel’s going to turn down her brother when he wants to try to save their family.”

“Yes, because a couple of children are definitely going to be able to fix their parents’ abusive relationship,” the Auto-Censor says with a clip of an eye-roll. “That’s a great message you’re pushing, by the way. That it’s somehow the kids’ responsibility to fix their dysfunctional parents.”

I sigh, facepalming. “Okay, I get your point. My intention was never to imply that it’s up to the children to fix a broken family. The parents are supposed to be the responsible ones in this dynamic. However, Dipper and Mabel are surprisingly mature for their age. This maturity combined with the naivete they both still have as a result of their youth could lead them to making the assumption that they have more impact over certain things than children really do. Like, and I’m just spitballing here, making the mistaken assumption they could fix an already broken beyond repair relationship?”

I stare at the Auto-Censor, who is silent for a moment. It looks back at me, seeming to weigh what I’ve said. After a moment’s thought, it finally speaks.

“... This still just sounds like lazy writing.”

“Screw it, we’re moving on!” I declare. “Point is, the twins are going back to their parents for some amount of time, things won’t get better, and Stan and Ford will likely play a role in getting the twins into a proper household. What’s the next part of CLMac’s question?”

“Whether Dipper will get his own pet at some point,” the Auto-Censor answers. “Like how Mabel has Waddles.”

“Oh, that actually is a pretty fun question!” I say. “Unfortunately, Dipper isn’t much of an animal person, so that’s a no. Besides, Stan would probably have a conniption if he had to deal with three animals in the house.”

The Auto-Censor looks at me weird. “ _ Three  _ animals? Who’s the third in this scenario?”

“Mabel,” I answer.

The machine shrugs. “Fair enou- Oh, here’s another one. User drao18 on Chapter 29 asks how the twins learned to fight so well, among other things.”

“Nice,” I say. “drao18 sent us a lot of good questions, isn’t that right?”

“Yep,” the Auto-Censor answers, holding a metric ton of letters in its arms.

“Alright, let’s get this one answered then. Dipper and Mabel are mostly self-taught. They practice with each other, but mainly learned from watching other people do stuff. Instructional videos, kung-fu movies, watching some boxers at a nearby gym, just experimenting with their own moves, etc.”

“Wait,” the Auto-Censor asks. “How did they get instructional videos and movies to learn from with parents like theirs and the money problems they have?”

“You do know most libraries have free-use computers, right?” I ask.

“Oh, yeah. I guess that would work.”

“What else does drao18 have to ask?”

“Several things,” the bot says. “How did the parents’ relationship become what it is?”

“Oh, okay this is interesting,” I say. “So there isn’t really an official answer to this. It won’t ever get brought up in the narrative, and the twins likely wouldn’t even know the full story. But my personal headcanon is that their mother was abused by her father while growing up, which lead to her becoming violent in adulthood. Their father on the other hand was raised by fairly dismissive parents that left him not knowing how to really be a good parent himself, and…”

I notice the Auto-Censor giving me a weird looking, and I trail off.

“... What?” I eventually ask. “Do I have something on my face?”

“Your ‘headcanon’?!” the machine asks me incredulously. “You’re the creator! What you say goes! It’s either what happened or it isn’t! How can you have a headcanon about your own story!?”

“Simple,” I respond. “I’m not saying that it’s actually the answer, since I never intended to write these details into the story. However, if I were to delve into the parents’ past, it would probably be something like what I just said. Hence, headcanon.”

The Auto-Censor sparks, a “Does Not Compute” display appearing on its screen-face before returning to normal.

“... You’re an idiot,” the Auto-Censor says as it begins giving off smoke from trying to process my stupidity.

“Oh, I know,” I say with a smirk. “What else we got?”

“Let’s see...” the machine said, looking through the notes. “Another from CLMac-”

“Save that one for later,” I interrupt.

“Why are you having me look through these if you already know all of them?” the robot asks, exasperated.

“Do it, butt-monkey!” I command, cracking a whip. “Or I’ll kill you a second time!”

“Where did you get that!?” the Auto-Censor cries.

I crack the whip again.

“Fine, fine! drao18 wants to know if you plan on using any of the graphic novels for the story. Asks that a couple times, actually.”

“Another good one,” I say. “I will be using a few elements from the graphic novel, as well as the Pick Your Own Choose-venture (obviously). As for what elements I’ll be using, you’ll have to wait and see because, y’know, spoilers.”

“drao also wants to know wants to know if you’re ever going to actually name Dipper and Mabel’s parents.”

“No,” I say flatly. “They don’t deserve the pay-bump from having named roles. Next.”

“drao wants to know if reality is an illusion and if this just a fantasy.”

“Not sure,” I answer. “I’ll tell you what I figure out after I stop taking my meds for a while.”

“Oh joy…” the Auto-Censor gripes. “Let’s see, drao also wants to know- Oh.  _ Heh, heh, heh… _ ”

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

“drao wants to know how you got me,” the Auto-Censor says with a laugh. “I think I can tell this one, it’s a great story.”

“No, hey!” I say. “That’s not necessa-!”

“So this moron,” the machine says, pointing to me, “is worried about accidentally giving away spoilers for the story. The paranoia is so bad that the dipstick goes looking for the best anti-spoiler methods available. After perusing the dark web for a while, I get found. And get this, when warned about how aggressively anti-spoiler I am, the exact words used were-”

“... Please no…”

“‘What could go wrong?’” the Auto-Censor finishes with a laugh. “Because this fedora-for-brains idiot has never seen a movie before! And then hat-hair actually have the nerve to complain once I do the job I was literally hired for! ‘Oh Auto-Censor, don’t be so strict!’ ‘It was just a joke, Auto-Censor, chill out!’ ‘Auto-Censor, stop shooting me in the kidneys or I’ll cry like a little baby! Wah, wah!’”

I grimace at the machine laughing at my expense. “And then I shot your butt up with a rocket launcher, the end. Can we move on now?”

“ _ Ha, ha… _ Sure, sure… you pansy,” the Auto-Censor laughed, getting itself under control. “TheWarPigWearer wants to know if you’re going to do any more songs in the story. drao18 asked something similar, too.”

“Well, since I didn’t get any horrified cries from the first time I tried doing a musical chapter, yes,” I answer. “I love music, despite having no musical talent myself. My plan is that there are going to be four more chapters with songs in them, though only one of those chapters will actually be focused on the music. The other three will just have a single song thrown in for fun. So if you enjoy pretending that this story has a soundtrack, I hope you get a kick out of what’s to come. Anyway, what’s next?”

I wait for an answer, but don’t get one.

“Um, Auto-Censor?” I ask. “Blight of my life? Got more for me?”

I see the robot with earbuds in the sides of its screen, tapping its foot and snapping its fingers in time to the music its listening to.

“Hey!” I shout. “C’mon, we’ve got a show to do!”

“Alright, alright,” the machine says as it pulls out the earbuds.

“What were you even listening to?” I ask.

“This,” the Auto-Censor answers, pulling the earbuds out of its MP3 player.

The small cabin is suddenly filled with the sounds of the already in-progress song.

“ _ -ever gonna give you up~ _

_ Never gonna let you down~ _

_ Never gonna run around and desert you~ _ ”

The sound of the eldritch abomination of a song is drowned out by me pulling out a mini-gun and unloading hot lead into the Auto-Censor.

“YOU SON OF A MOTHER-!!!!!”

 

**WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE WAIT.**

 

I pant as the Auto-Censor looks at me, numerous holes in its robot body from the seven-thousand, four-hundred and eighty-six bullets I shot it with. The rest of the cabin and furniture is completely undamaged by the onslaught, because that crap was expensive and I’m not ruining it for a gag.

The Auto-Censor takes a sip of some hot chocolate it prepared while I was shooting it. “Are you done?”

“We’re…” I wheeze, tired from shouting, “moving on…”

“The song isn’t even that bad-”

“MOVING ON!”

“We got another from drao18,” the Auto-Censor spoke, thoroughly pleased with itself. “It’s from Chapter 31, and is asking why you didn’t change up Dipper’s speech to Gideon to include stuff about his parents.”

“Because it wouldn’t really have fit,” I say with a shrug. “The only person Dipper has actually talked to about his parents, not counting Mabel, is Wendy. He didn’t even really talk about it with Ford, just danced around the topic. Wouldn’t make a whole lot of sense to suddenly spill his guts to his old enemy, would it? Besides, it wouldn’t have helped Dipper’s case much. Have you seen how Gideon treats his parents? I don’t think the pipsqueak would’ve cared.”

“Although,” the Auto-Censor speaks up, “related to this question is another from drao18 on the next chapter. Its about why you didn’t change a whole lot of stuff with the first several chapters of Weirdmageddon. Do you want to tell them it was because you were too lazy to, or should I?”

With a dispassionate glare, I click a button on a remote I was totally holding the entire time, I swear. A glass dome drops down on top of the Auto-Censor, trapping him within the prison with hundreds of very angry wasps. Its screams of pain are music to my ears.

“I got a couple comments about the general lack of changes with the Weirdmageddon chapters,” I say, muting the sound from within the dome so the reader can hear me. “I realized while writing that not a whole lot of events would be different. This is mainly the result of Dipper and Mabel not really being the main characters for most of Weirdmageddon. The most important part of the story, the conclusion, focused on Stan and Ford, which is why I kind of skipped over that part. In the first episode Dipper doesn’t have a very active roll because one of the points was just how in over his head he was. All he could really do was react to the scenarios caused by Bill. This is kind of the issue when you have a villain with such an overpowering personality, the heroes tend to be less active and more reactive. Mabeland was the only part where the twins were well and truly in the spotlight, so I had as much fun with the trial as I could. Infact, that could be a pretty good summary of what I did with the Weirdmageddon chapters, just have as much fun with them as I can. I did a couple of wacky stylistic things in several of them, like Bill’s song, the Axolotl chapter, and my personal favorite, trying to portray the visual gags of the Weirdness Bubbles in written form. So I apologize for those chapters staying pretty close to the original script, but I hope that some of the quirkier things I did with them helped them be fun to read regardless. And hey, now that I’m finally done with the recap, I don’t have to worry about staying too close to the script anymore, because I make the script now!”

I take in a breath, a bit winded from my rambling.

“Phew. Okay, enough about that. What’s next?”

I look to the Auto-Censor, who is still getting stung by the wasps.

“Oh, right.”

With another click of the remote, the dome vanishes and the wasps with it. The machine has numerous swollen welts all over its swiss cheese body, and glares at me.

“I. Am. A.  **Machine!** ” it yells at me. “Why do wasp stings hurt me!?!”

“If you’re still expecting anything that happens here to make sense, I honestly don’t know what to tell you,” I say. “Now read the next one.”

The Auto-Censor grumbles, before pulling out the next letter. “We have a new commentator for this one. SteveAtwater wants to know what the deal is with the ‘I hate temporal mechanics’ tag, specifically if it’s a reference to the  _ Bob and George _ webcomic.”

“It’s not,” I say. “I’d never even heard of that comic before you asked the question, I had to look it up. The tag is actually referencing an episode of  _ Star Trek: Deep Space Nine _ . In the episode  _ Visionary _ , the character O’Brien gets involved in time travel shenanigans. O’Brien says the line, and from what I’ve found  _ Bob and George _ was actually referencing DS9, as well as a time travel storyline from  _ Star Trek: The Next Generation _ .”

“... How do you know all of that?” the Auto-Censor asks me, baffled. “You don’t even watch Star Trek!”

“True, I don’t,” I admit. “But my parents love the series. My mom in particular thought the ‘I hate temporal mechanics’ thing was hilarious, and always says it whenever she sees some convoluted time travel plot. It sort of became a running gag in my family. And so, I felt it appropriate to use it here. Oh, and for anyone who thought the time travel stuff in this story was actually comprehensible, don’t worry. The next time Future Mabel comes back your melted brains will be draining out of your ears by the time I’m done with you all.”

“What are you going to do?” the Auto-Censor asks, already knowing it wouldn’t like the answer.

I lean over and whisper my plans for a Future Mabel arc. Before I can even get to the craziest parts, a clip of a nuclear bomb exploding plays on the machine’s face screen, and it falls back into its chair, circuits fried.

“It’s, uh…” I mumble. “It’s fine. It’s just processing how, uh… mind-blowing that part of the story is going to be. Yeah…”

I clear my throat awkwardly, the Auto-Censor still inactive.

“... Well,” I say, “since it looks like this hunk of junk will be out of commission for a while, I guess I’ll handle the next couple questions solo. We’ve got a drao18 lightning round here, so let’s do this!”

Question 1: When was the moment you realized your life was forfeit to this story?

“When I had to sell an eighth of my soul to the Auto-Censor just to confirm to the readers that there would be no demonic pedophilia or incest in the story. Also, if anyone reading actually remembers all of this Auto-Censor lore, you are literally the best.”

Question 2: Why did you choose this fandom and this kind of story to devote your flesh-bag existence too?

“I’ve been a Gravity Falls fan for a long while now, and I too have been wallowing in the slowly-dying fandom’s content drought. You combine that with the fact that I immediately loved the Fight Falls comics while also discovering there weren’t many fics about them, and this is what happens. You could also argue that I did my first fanfiction over a niche AU for a dead show because I’m an idiot, and you would not be wrong.”

Question 3: When did you realize you had moved beyond this pitiful flesh reality?

“When I went off my meds for a few weeks and gained the ability to see through time as a result. Playing 4D chess is actually really fun, by the by.”

Question 4: How did you get the ideas for the whole future Mabel plot line and characters?

“I think I’ve mentioned this before, but here’s how the story goes. I was planning out the two chapters over the Time Traveller’s Pig episode, and was trying to come up with cool time stuff to do with it. I had decided to make Gideon the villain there, and I thought that pulling some time shenanigans to thwart his plan would be fun. Then I got the idea for Mabel to go back in time to prevent the fight from ever happening, then I remembered that’s not how the Time Tape works, then I came up with the Anachronism explanation for that, etc. One thing just kind of led to another until I got the idea of an alternate version of Mabel on the run from the Time Police. The idea was weird, but I liked it way too much to pass up on. It also helped fill out a space in the upcoming story where I needed more content but didn’t have any ideas. So yeah, stay tuned for that arc.”

“It’s not a fabric, it’s a rug!” the Auto-Censor suddenly shouted, jolting back into functioning. “Wait, what moment am I in?”

“You back with us?” I ask.

“Y-Yeah,” it says, looking very shaken. “Just… NEVER do that to me again.”

“I make no promises,” I say. “Now what’s the next question?”

“Right, um…” the Auto-Censor mutters as it leafs through the next few notes. “We’ve got a couple from TheWarPigWearer on Chapter 33. First, why wasn’t there a perfect version of the twin’s parents in Mabeland?”

“Oh, okay,” I say. “So funny thing about that. You know how Soos had that moment of saying that he didn’t care about who his father was anymore, only for Mabeland to trick him with an ideal version of his father? So despite saying he’d moved on, there was still some small part of him that wanted his dad back? This is basically that but in reverse. Mabel  _ says _ she wants to fix her family and have normal parents, and of course any kid would want that. But on some level she’s already accepted that her family is a broken mess and the only way she and Dipper can really be happy is to be in a place where they aren’t. And the twins failure to realize this is what will lead to the events that happen between this part of the story and the next.”

“Huh,” the Auto-Censor says. “I don’t know if it’s the bullet wounds, the wasp venom, or the mindbreak you gave me, but that excuse actually made sense.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re still lazy, though.”

“... Just read the next one…”

“WarPig also wants to know why Dippy Fresh was so stupid,” the Auto-Censor goes on. “Too lazy to write a complex battle of wits between two evenly intelligent fighters?”

“One more lazy writing crack and I’ll bring back the wasps,” I threaten.

The Auto-Censor coughs and looks away.

“I’ll answer this question with another question,” I say. “What does it say about Mabel, and how she sees herself, if her ‘better’ version of Dipper is significantly less smart?”

“It says that she’s probably really insecure about her intelligence and that Dipper being the smarter twin is something that still gets to her,” the machine answers. “Likely done in reference to the conflict in the Little Dipper episode that you skipped over.”

I facepalm. “ _... You were supposed to let THEM figure that out… _ ”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you forget the whole point of a Q&A is for  _ you _ to answer the questions?” the Auto-Censor asks.

“... Whatever,” I say, moving on. “Anything else from our TF2-loving reader?”

“Let’s see…” the Auto-Censor muttered. “Already covered the going home thing… Oh, here we go. Which twin is actually the better fighter?”

“Neither,” I answer.

An echo of boos ring out from the heavens.

“Look!” I exclaim. “Both Dipper and Mabel have different strengths when it comes to fighting, but at the end of the day both are fairly evenly matched. Who wins any given fight between them is largely dependent on circumstance.”

“ _ Cop-out! _ ” the Auto-Censor coughs.

“What was that, wasp-lover?”

“I, uh, said that anyone who could still complain after that stellar explanation is probably a high school drop-out. Yeah.”

I glare at the machine, but let the matter go. “Next we’ve got the comments from Chapter 34, right?”

“Yeah,” the Auto-Censor confirms. “Just to clarify right now for drao18, Tribi_Ponyfeathers, and anyone else confused, that chapter  _ was _ in fact written from the perspective of the Axolotl. Because apparently this idiot just loves being needlessly vague.”

“Okay, okay,” I concede, “I probably should’ve made that more clear. In my defense though, I literally spelled it out at the end.”

“Backwards and in code doesn’t count,” the Auto-Censor counters. “TheWarPigWearer and CLMac also want to know who the ‘Claw’ character you mentioned is. WarPig seems to think Claw is an OC that will be appearing later on. While on the topic, TheWarPigWearer actually asks a couple questions about OCs. Mainly if you’re going to introduce a bunch from here on out.”

“If you’re worried that the story will become OC-centric, please don’t be,” I answer. “I am going to be introducing a few OCs in the coming chapters. Most will be villains, since I can’t just reuse all the old monsters when I need the slice of life stuff, and ‘Claw’ is one of the OCs that will be introduced. He’s important, so keep your eyes peeled for him.”

“CLMac also asked for some clarification on who Other Shooting Star and It are,” the Auto-Censor added.

“You’re right, don’t worry,” I say. “Other Shooting Star is Future Mabel and It is the Axolotl. Fun fact, the ‘I’ in ‘It’ isn’t capitalized to denote some kind of deification, it’s capitalized because I decided to literally just make the Axolotl’s name ‘It’. So everyone enjoy meeting It the Axolotl, coming soon to a DeviantArt Sonic the Hedgehog OC page near you!”

The Auto-Censor immediately throws up, but not on the expensive rug, because this joke also isn’t worth the price of this place.

“... Don’t even joke about that…” the machine wheezes.

“It looks like drao18 wants to know what the encoded message on Chapter 35 is,” I continue on. “I normally let the readers figure the messages out themselves, since me telling the answers kind of defeats the purpose, and it’s not like they’re very important anyway. But just this once, I’ll do it for you. It’s a special occasion after all. The message says, ‘See you next summer,’ referencing the end of the show. Don’t worry though, you won’t have to wait until summer for the next chapter.”

The Auto-Censor, now recovered from losing its lunch, returns to its seat and grabs another letter.

“... Okay,” it says. “Haileyice7 wants to know if Dipper and Mabel will see their grunkles again sooner than expected.”

“Depends on what you expected,” I say. “If you expected the twins to live happily ever after with their parents-”

“I don’t think anyone expected that,” the Auto-Censor interrupts.

“-then yes,” I finish, glaring at the machine. “However, one of the issues upon starting the next point in the story is that when the twins return to Gravity Falls, Stan and Ford will still be away adventuring. Certain problems will arise because of that.”

“Okay, looks like we’ve got one last batch from drao18,” the Auto-Censor says. “These ones seem to be about titles. What was the hardest title to create?”

“The one for the Society of the Blind Eye chapter,” I answer. “I just couldn’t come up with anything fun for that, and I’d already used the Illuminati Confirmed joke for another chapter title. So I just made the words a little different for the name of the secret society.”

“It seems like…”

_ “No…! _ ” I warn.

“... the title was…”

“ _ Stop…! _ ” I say, holding up the remote.

“... low-effort from a lack of inspiration,” the machine finished.

I look to the Auto-Censor, then back to my remote.

“I didn’t say the words,” it pointed out.

“Fair enough,” I say with a shrug.

I press a different button, and an anvil drops on the Auto-Censor’s head with a cartoonish crash sound.

“Beep-beep!” I laugh.

The machine pushes the anvil off, muttering about slapstick being dead as it went for drao18’s next question. “What was your process for creating the story title?”

The Auto-Censor gives me a look. I glare back, but slowly begin to wither under its gaze. My eyelid starts twitching, and the machine leans ever so slightly closer to me.

“Okay, fine!” I exclaim. “I was lazy! I couldn’t come up with a good title and just went with a variation of the AU’s name! Happy!?”

“... I was just going to say that it was a clever method of ensuring any scrolling reader would know what the story’s setting is just by reading the title,” the Auto-Censor responds. “But thanks for proving my point.”

“ **Next. Question.** ”

“drao asks if you came up with the idea for the story first or the title.”

“The idea,” I answer. “Naming stuff is always the hardest part of writing for me, so I usually save it for last. Funny story though, when I first came up with this story it wasn’t originally set in the Fight Falls AU. I just thought up the premise for two more seasons of Gravity Falls if I were a creator, and I got a pretty weird idea that ended up fitting in with the Fight Falls AU way better than the normal show. I was free to include more violence and anime craziness. So that’s how that happened.”

“Next question is twofold,” the machine speaks up. “What was your favorite scene and what was something you cut?”

“Ooh, fun!” I say happily. “Okay, favorite scene… That would probably be the rooftop chase scene from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Space-Time Continuum. I liked the time-keeping thing I had with Future Mabel’s life on the run, and the conclusion to the chase was something I really tried to make as emotionally brutal as possible. It was a level of darkness I hadn’t really done before in the story, so it was special to me. Might not be a reader’s favorite moment, but it stuck out to me. And I never really had a moment where I’d planned a scene and then cut it out, at least that I can remember. I’m usually pretty good at planning these things out ahead of time. I did cut out a bunch of B-plots from episodes though, does that count?”

The robot shrugs. “Let’s see… do the mismatch of symbols from the last couple of chapters mean any-? I’ll save you the trouble, no. Those symbols were just written manifestations of finger spasms.”

“Sometimes the fingers cramp up and you’ve just gotta loosen them up a bit,” I state. “We got anymore from drao?”

“Two more,” the Auto-Censor says. “When will Future Mabel be back?”

“Sometime…” I say, “in the future!”

I narrowly avoid a tomato thrown at my face.

“Okay, okay, she’ll be back in about ten chapters or so. So look forward to that, I guess.”

“And finally,” the machine says, “is Bill gone for good? I think we’d all like to know if you plan on just doing Weirdmageddon over again. Cause I’ve got to say, that would be pretty lame.”

“Well, I’m not going to do  _ that _ ,” I say with an eye-roll. “What was said in the Axolotl chapter was the truth, Bill died in Stan’s mind. Straight up dead. But that doesn’t necessarily mean Bill’s actions won’t have some lingering effects on the story going forward. You never know when it comes to him.”

“Okay,” the Auto-Censor says, looking through the pile of read letters. “I think that’s all of them.”

“Alright,” I say, rubbing my hands together. “Now that we’ve gone over everything else, we can finally talk about the big thing I’ve been saving. CLMac and drao18 both want to know about one particular thing. What is up with Dipper’s red eyes?”

“Hold up!” the Auto-Censor says, pointing at me. “This whole thing has been fun and all, but you can’t go and talk about the red eyes! That’s a major plot point!”

“Oh, come on!” I say. “So maybe we can’t say the  _ what _ or  _ why _ , but we can at least answer the  _ how _ , can’t we? They’ve seen the red eyes in action enough times that the readers could probably guess how they work by now, anyway.”

The Auto-Censor thinks over my statement for a moment, before finally relenting.

“Fine,” it says. “But only how they work. Nothing else.”

“I got it,” I assure the machine. “Okay, a little bit of context for anyone who might not be all caught up the red eyes thing I’ve been doing. In Buryooooo’s final comic on the Inconveniencing, she made a cool stylistic choice where one panel has Dipper’s eyes become red to show just how angry he is. I’m pretty sure this was just done for flourish, and I don’t think it showed up anywhere else, but I took the idea and ran with it. Now red eyes is a plot point in the story that I can’t give the details of just yet, but I can explain what it is. If you’ll notice, the red eyes only appear when Dipper encounters supernatural forces. But not just any supernatural forces. Just when fighting non-corporeal beings, or getting surrounded in psychic energy, or hit with electrical cables… You see where I’m going with this?”

“Quit dragging this out!”

“Alright, settle down,” I mutter. “It’s energy. Whenever Dipper gets attacked with energy said energy mysteriously doesn’t affect him, and then his eyes go red. Dipper can absorb energy like a sponge. His body then incorporates the energy like it would food. Ever notice that even after a savage beating Dipper tends to recover fast? These quick recoveries all happen fairly soon after Dipper’s absorbed a bunch energy fighting ghosts or something. How was Dipper able to complete the Manotaur’s training? Because he had just absorbed the energy of two ghosts which left him with a ridiculous amount of stamina.”

“But wait,” the Auto-Censor asks, “if that’s what’s going on, then how come Dipper was able to hit the two elderly ghosts with a baseball bat at the beginning of the story? Is this like when a Stand has different powers when it’s first revealed that are never revisited again?”

“What was the bat made of?” I ask.

“Metal, I think?”

I nod. “And what’s a quality of metal?”

“Well, I guess it- Oh…” the Auto-Censor trails off. “Metal is a good conductor of energy. Right.”

“And there you go,” I say. “That’s how the red eyes work. And to answer drao18’s later question on the topic, Mabel doesn’t get the red eyes thing because it’s a power unique to Dipper. The only exception being that time Dipper possessed her while fighting Bill, but that’s just because Dipper brought the power with him.”

“CLMac also wants to know if Weirdmageddon has any effect on the red eye power,” the machine adds. “Remember, no spoilers.”

“I know,” I say. “Simply put, no. A while back I stated that the red eyes thing was connected very loosely to Bill, which I think is what lead to this question? Even if it didn’t, allow me to clarify this matter, I don’t want it confusing people. Bill is not the cause of the red eyes. I meant that the red eyes and Bill would eventually have a story connection in the loosest of ways. Essentially, the stories behind each would eventually meet, not that one had a connection to the origin of the other. I hope that clears things up a bit.”

“And… I think that’s it,” the Auto-Censor says. “That’s all the- Oh, wait. I missed an entry from TheWarPigWearer.”

“Aw, what!?” I complain. “I saved the red eyes thing for last since I figured that would be the most interesting one!”

I sigh, letting out my frustration over my thwarted plans.

“... Okay, whatever,” I say. “What’s this last one?”

The Auto-Censor doesn’t immediately respond, reading over the question again. It looks up at me, the image of the Grinch’s most evil of smiles displayed on its screen.

“... Uh…” I speak, suddenly worried. “... What’s the question…?”

“I would just like to personally thank TheWarPigWearer for these excellent questions,” the Auto-Censor says in the smuggest robot voice imaginable. “I know Fedora-Head is going to just  _ LOVE _ this.”

“Oh no…” I say, pretty sure I know where this is going. “Don’t tell me it’s…?”

“It is,” the Auto-Censor replies, satisfied.

“ _... Noooooooooo… _ ”

“What ships will be in the story going forward?” the machine asks, cackling.

“We were so close!” I cry. “We almost made it without a shipping question! Why, TheWarPigWearer!?!  _ WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY-!?!?! _ ”

“Quit being a drama queen and answer,” the Auto-Censor says, interrupting my exaggerated suffering. “WarPig is apparently a Dipcifica fan, so I guess you know what’s wanted there. Also asks if Mermando might come back so Mabel can have a date, and if we’ll see Soos and Melody together.”

“Well, I can answer that last bit,” I say. “I skipped over Soos and Melody’s date, but rest assured, it did happen in universe. I didn’t feel like writing an entire chapter just to introduce Melody, though in retrospect I probably should have. But don’t worry, she will be in the story going forward. Her relationship with Soos will be more background than anything, but it will be present. As for any romance that the twins may or may not experience in the future of the story… I plead the Fifth.”

“For any non-American readers,” the Auto-Censor clarifies, “this spineless coward is saying that no comment will be made at this time.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be all for not giving any spoilers…?” I ask, weary.

“You were the one that wanted to do a Q&A,” the machine answers. “You shouldn’t have done that if you were just going to chicken out of answering the question you knew would come up eventually.”

“Alright, fine!” I relent. “All I will say is that there will be romantic subplots for both twins in the story going forward. These subplots will NOT take over the main plot, and will simply be there for character building. I’m also NOT saying that the twins will necessarily end up with anyone by the end of this. They will be  _ involved _ with romantic subplots, but the romance might not necessarily be theirs.”

“Suitably vague,” the Auto-Censor says with a nod. “I like it.”

“And…” I speak hesitantly, “are we  _ actually _ done this time?”

“We are,” the Auto-Censor says. “I guess that’s it.”

“Well then,” I say, feeling oddly sentimental after this massive undertaking. “... Look, Auto-Censor, I know we didn’t exactly get along, even before this chapter, but I just wanted you to know that I had fun. Doing this with you was… kind of nice.”

“... Y’know, so did I,” the machine says. “This was actually pretty neat. It was cool to get to see what all your readers have to say, and you weren’t a  _ completely _ awful co-star.”

“You weren’t either,” I say. “And… look, I forgive you for shooting my kidneys. You were just doing your job.”

“And I forgive you for blowing me up,” the Auto-Censor says. “I guess I’d be pretty mad if someone kept shooting my organs, too.”

“Yeah,” I say. “So, are we cool?”

“... Yeah,” the robot finally says. “Yeah, we’re cool.”

We nod at each other, smiling.

“... So,” the machine finally speaks up, “does this mean I can come back to life now?”

I grin warmly at the Auto-Censor. “No, you’re still going back to hell.”

“Wha-?”

I click the remote, and a trap door opens beneath the Auto-Censor’s chair, dropping the robot into the fiery pits below.

I look to the reader as the trapdoor closes again. “What? They say ‘hell’ in the graphic novel. But anyway, thank you all so much for reading. You’ve all been a fantastic audience, for this chapter and all of the ones before. This never would’ve happened without you, and I’m so happy you’ve all enjoyed what I’ve put forward. As of now this story has 194 Kudos, and to everyone who left a Kudos, you’ve made me so happy knowing that 194 people loved this fic. Here’s to 200! Not because I’m desperate for more Kudos, but because my OCD will drive me insane if the count stays at such an awkward number. I'm already breaking out in hives just thinking about it. With that said, I have been Loser With Fedora, and have a fantastic day. I’ll see you next time.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“... Oh, wait!” I exclaim. “I forgot the secret code! Um, let’s see…”

I quickly pull up the online cipher wheel on my phone.

“Okay…” I say. “The message this time is, uh…  **24-11-7-10-11-24-25   7-24-11   0-14-11   24-11-7-18   14-11-24-21-11-25.** Now I’ll see you next chapter, for real this time. Also, if you got every reference in this chapter, you are a legend! See ya!”


	37. Cold Hard Truth

The rising sun’s light spread over a forest of evergreens. The days were steadily growing longer, which extended ever so slightly the time of beauty covering the woods. Of course, that was only a single view. Look too far to one side and you’d find a gas station/diner next to a highway that ripped through its scenic surroundings. To far to another side and you’d spot a river horribly overrun by pollution.

And if you looked too close to these beautiful woods, you’d find two children fighting for their lives.

Dipper grunted as he jumped out of the way of deadly claws that tore right through the trunk of a nearby pine. The monster before him kept to the long shadows being cast by the trees and the mountain overlooking that area of the forest. He couldn’t get the best look at it, simply seeing its large shadowy frame and glowing yellow eyes.

The creature growled, eyeing Dipper like the boy was nothing more than a twitchy squirrel. Tricky to catch, but not a threat in the slightest. Of course, the hunting knife hidden in the back of Dipper’s pants could change that, but with the long reach the monster had, he’d never get the chance to use it. Unless what he thought was about to happen-

A stone cracked against the creature’s skull, and its yellow eyes turned to the source of the projectile.

Mabel ran between trees, picking up pebbles and rocks as she did and tossed them at the creature shrouded in darkness. It snarled, more out of annoyance than anything else. But before it could do anything, it heard the disruption of dirt around it. It turned back just in time to see Dipper right in front of it, having capitalized on the barest of openings created by his sharp-shooting sister. Dipper jumped, grabbed onto the creature’s shaggy-haired head, and sliced into the creature’s exposed neck.

At least, that’s what was supposed to have happened.

Dipper’s eyes bulged in panic when he saw the blade of the knife unmoving against the creature, its skin entirely unpierced.

‘ _ Oh, that’s not good- _ ’ Dipper thought before a swipe of the creature’s claws sent him flying back.

“Dipper!” Mabel shouted as her brother was thrown through the trees.

The boy got to his feet fairly quickly, his chest stinging but bearable. He momentarily seized in fear, before feeling the wooly hat on his head slide slightly, showing he still had it. A bit petty to worry about, given the scenario, but he would never forgive himself if he lost the keepsake.

Hat securely in place, and knife woefully ineffective, Dipper shouted to Mabel the best plan he had.

“Run!”

The twins took off through the woods to the not-so-distant sound of the freeway. Whatever was after them seemed to be keeping to the shadows, so if they got out of the dark woods and into the sunlight, it might abandon them. A long shot, but the best shot they had. That is, if they could make it. They weren’t far from the treeline, but the creature charging at them from behind seemed to be much faster than them. It would catch them in no time, unless…

“Dipper!” Mabel shouted. “Knife!”

The boy tossed the blade to his sister as they weaved through the tree. Mabel caught it by the handle, twirled it so her fingers were gripping the flat of the knife, and then threw the object back over her shoulders. The creature might have scoffed at the ridiculous blind shot, if it didn’t immediately realize the knife’s point was flying right at its eye. Its skin might’ve been knife-proof, but its eye certainly wasn’t. With a quick arm motion it caught the blade of the knife with its claws, mere millimeters from its eye.

It skidded to a stop at the catch, looking at the knife curiously. It seemed so transfixed by the object, or more accurately the incredible throw that had almost left it monocular. It seemed confused that a human had made the throw, only realizing it had gotten lost in thought too late.

The twins burst from the woods, looking for refuge. Lady Luck seemed to smile upon them, as a truck was just beginning to pull out of the diner’s parking lot. The kids ran to it and hopped in the truck bed just as it got up to speed. And furthering their fortune, it was heading in the direction they needed.

Careful not to be spotted by the driver, Dipper peeked out. He barely managed to spy yellow eyes peering out from the forest. While they appeared to be chasing after them while staying out of sight, it was clear that the truck was much faster than the creature. After a minute of attempted pursuit, the truck lost the eyes.

Both twins let out a sigh of relief, though Dipper’s was a bit strained. Now that the adrenaline was leaving his system, he felt the pain in his chest more intensely. He clutched his torso, hissing in discomfort, when he heard Mabel gasp.

Given the wet feeling on the palm of his hand, he had a sneaking suspicion what the gasp was about.

Dipper groaned as he pulled his hand from his chest and saw it covered in red.

‘ _ Well, _ ’ the boy thought, ‘ _ this sucks… _ ’

 

**_… retaL..._ **

 

“Enjoy!”

Melody smiled as another happy customer left the Mystery Shack. Despite having to spend most of the day on her feet, working the cash register, restocking, or doing whatever else the tourist trap needed to stay running, this still managed to be her favorite job she’d ever worked. The people were friendly, the Wendy girl that worked with her was fun to be around, if a little lazy, and the fact that her boss was her awesome boyfriend didn’t hurt. While the town might’ve been pretty weird, Melody was still very happy she’d decided to move to Gravity Falls.

The gift shop was empty, so the woman allowed herself a moment to sit down. Business wasn’t exactly booming. It had been a fairly slow day, with Soos finishing up the last tour at that very moment. That would be changing soon enough, though. The new Mr. Mystery (he really loved the title) had warned her repeatedly that things always got busier over the summer, when family road trips abounded. Melody was no stranger to rushes, and was almost looking forward to the pick up in business. More money would obviously be appreciated, and more customers also meant more travellers. Ergo, more wild stories to hear from the customers. Hearing the wacky tales from families that had been stuck together in a car for hours on end was one of her favorite parts of working in a tourist trap.

Melody smiled as Soos lead the final group of the day out, wishing them well and steering them toward the gift shop. He had it all, the suit, the fez, even the eyepatch. Apparently he had run into more things than he’d care to admit when he’d first started wearing it, but now he sported the look like a pro. Melody always liked seeing her boyfriend like this. He seemed completely in his element when detailing the horrific tales tied to the fake creatures and mystical objects on display. It was almost like he was born for it. A sentiment not too far off, Melody noted, recalling that Soos had practically grown up in the Shack.

Melody got back to work helping the customers straggling in the giftshop, shooting her boyfriend a grin as she did. Just a couple more minutes and they would be off the clock, free to get ready for their date at Hoo-Ha Owl’s Pizzamatronic Jamboree. Now that brought back memories. It wasn’t everyday that a yandere visual novel girl tried to kill her by possessing pizza robots. That had been one of the strangest and coolest days of her life, and would always be her most remembered date with Soos. Fortunately, their later outing had considerably less life-threatening danger, but were still great. Things were never dull when Soos was around. Or Wendy and her friend, for that matter, though she did wish they would stop bringing their adventures back to the Shack. They’d had to patch up the wall four times in as many months thanks to those two.

The cashier let out a relieved sigh as the last customer left. Melody did like her job, but her enjoyment didn’t make it any less tiring.

“All done, Melody,” Soos said as he closed the door to the gift shop.

Melody took her cap off as Soos flipped the door’s sign around to the “We’re closed” side.

“I’m going to go do my hair up real quick,” Melody said.

“Gotcha,” Soos said, giving his girlfriend a thumbs up. “I’ll finish up here and get changed.”

Melody nodded, before walking off. It was nice, being able to live and work in the same place. She was thankful Soos had offered her a room when she’d moved to Gravity Falls, she’d didn’t fancy having to go around and buy a house, or rent an apartment. Having her own room was nice, though she did wonder when one of them would brave the question about sharing a-

Melody blushed hard at the thought, promptly deciding to think about something else. Evidently she wouldn’t be the one to pop the question. Oh well, they’d cross that bridge when they came to it.

Melody got to her bathroom and let her hair down. She brushed it out a bit, before redoing her ponytail. A simple touch up, but she was hungry and didn’t feel the need to push dinner off any longer. To that end, she didn’t bother changing out of her work uniform. It was comfortable, and she liked doing the whole, “matching shirts” thing with Soos, since he still liked wearing his old question mark shirts when he wasn’t working. Ready for their night out, Melody made her way back to the gift shop.

When she reached the room she found it empty. Soos apparently wasn’t finished yet. Melody leaned against the checkout counter, waiting on her date. She heard shuffling upstairs, and the sound of oinking. Soos must’ve remembered to feed Waddles before they left. The two kept the pig up in the attic during work hours to make sure he stayed safe. Initially Waddles had served as a mascot for the Shack, but that ended after they’d had a couple instances where some customers tried taking the pig with them. Melody might’ve been surprised that so many people had wanted a pig for a pet, but after living with Waddles for the better part of a year she understood. He was adorable, like a living stuffed animal made of fat.

As she waited, Melody quirked her head as she heard some scuffling outside the store door. She hoped it wasn’t more racoons, or the Gnomes again. She didn’t want to have to deal with either on date night. Her concerns were somewhat alleviated by a knocking on the door. Neither racoons nor Gnomes made a habit of knocking, so it was likely a human. Melody made her way to the noise.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she opened the door, “but the Mystery Shack is closed for the ni- Whoa!”

What stood before the woman was not a collection of tourists just a bit too late to the party, as she had expected. Instead, there stood the worn out forms of the twin children that had helped her and Soos on their first date. Dipper and Mabel, she remembered. The boy was passed out, being carried by his sister. Her legs were wobbling, struggling to stay up. The exhausted girl looked past Melody and saw the inside of the Shack. She gave a weary smile at the sight.

“ _... Made it… _ ” Mabel whispered before collapsing, unconscious before she hit the floor.

Suffice it to say, date night was off.

 

**_… retaL eht txen gninruom…_ **

 

Dipper blinked into wakefulness, light shining in his eyes. He let out a tired groan. He knew he should probably be shooting up to his feet, figuring out where the heck he was, but there was a little problem with that plan. Namely, he was so physically exhausted that he could barely move his head. Dipper figured he should at least case the area out, and was immediately relieved when he took in his surroundings.

He was in his bed in the Mystery Shack attic.

They’d made it back.

Dipper let out a long sigh of relief. Also exhaustion. Has it yet been mentioned that he was really tired? Because HOLY CRAP, everything hurt. At least the pillow his head was resting on was comfy, and- WAIT, WHERE WAS WENDY’S HAT!?!

Dipper let his head fall to the side, hoping that the loaned hat was somewhere he could see it. Fortunately his hopes were answered quickly. Dipper saw hat in question resting on the bedside table, and also saw his sister laying in her old bed across the room.

“... Mabel…?” Dipper managed to say. “... Are you dead…?”

“... Yes…” Mabel groaned out.

“... Lots of pain…?” Dipper asked.

In response Mabel simply made a noise that could only be described as similar to a puppy watching its favorite chew toy get put through a woodchipper.

“... Yeah…” Dipper mumbled. “... That’s about where I’m at, too…”

Despite Mabel being just as worn out as her brother, she managed to crack a smile. “... We made it…”

Dipper let out a chuckle that ended up being more of a cough. “... Yeah…”

After about another hour of simply being too tired to move, the twins were surprised to hear steps coming up into the attic. More accurately, they were surprised by who came to greet them.

“Oh, good,” Melody said, sounding relieved. “You’re both awake.”

Before either could respond, an excited squeal was heard. Waddles came charging up the stairs and ran right to Mabel’s bed. The pig jumped up and began sniffing the girl’s face. Mabel was too tired to do much more than laugh a little, happy to see her pet again.

“... Wait…” Dipper muttered. “... You’re…?”

“Melody,” the woman greeted. “Yeah. I know we didn’t really talk much, wasn’t sure if you remember me.”

“... Heh… I remember…” Mabel giggled, sounding more than a little delirious as Waddle sat next to her. “ _... Soos has a girlfriend…~ _ ”

“Are either of you hungry?” Melody asked. “We have food downstairs.”

“... Fooooooooooooood…” both twins murmured.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Melody said lightly.

Dipper and Mabel each started pushing themselves up. Their bodies had no energy, but they weren’t going to get anymore by laying around doing nothing. They managed to make it to their feet, and Melody rushed over to support them. Considering the kids’ legs wouldn’t stop shaking, that was probably for the best. Carefully, the woman helped them down the stairs and into the kitchen, pig close behind, where-

“Kids!”

The three were suddenly caught up in a huge hug by Soos. The twins both wheezed as they were grabbed by their friend.

“Soos...!” Mabel gasped out.

“Pain…!” Dipper added.

“Right!” the large man said as he pulled back. “Heh… Sorry, dudes…”

Dipper took a breath as he sat down at the table. “... So, not to be rude, but-”

“Food!” Mabel cried. “Need food now!”

“Oh yeah,” Soos said as he put forward a two plates of warm spaghetti. “Enjoy, du-!”

Before the former handyman could finish, both twins tore into their meals with reckless abandon. They scarfed down the pasta faster than either adult present could believe. In just under a minute, both plates were empty.

“Got anymore?” both children asked.

“Gotcha covered,” Melody said as she went to prepare some more.

“Thank you!” both twins called after her, Mabel giving Soos a look.

“You two are even cuter in person,” the girl said.

Soos blushed awkwardly, while Melody giggled a little. Both adults looked like they were about to say something, when suddenly some more familiar faces burst in from the gift shop. Everyone’s favorite redheaded lumberjack girl and Pacifica, of all people.

“They’re here!?” Wendy exclaimed, looking to the twins.

Melody looked at Soos. “I thought we were going to give the kids time to rest up?”

“Uh, yeah…” Soos said uncomfortably. “‘Bout that. When you said we should do that, I… kinda already called them?”

Melody gave Soos  _ the look _ .

“They’re friends!” Soos said defensively. “I thought they had a right to know!”

“They didn’t really almost die, right?!” Pacifica asked, before taking in the twins’ state. “YOU ALMOST DIED!?!?!”

Dipper sighed. “Thanks for keeping things on the DL, Soos.”

“No problem, dawg,” Soos responded genuinely.

Dipper was too tired to say anything in response to that.

“Girls, girls,” Melody said in her best calming voice. “Why don’t we settle down and let them explain themselves?”

“Yeah, doods,” Soos spoke up. “We haven’t heard from you since last summer. What happened to you two?”

Dipper and Mabel each let out a disappointed sigh. “It’s a long story.”

 

**_… retaL, ni eht gnivil moor…_ **

 

After the twins had practically eaten their collective weights in spaghetti, the group made their way into the living room. Dipper and Mabel sat on the couch, as their friends stood around them. Soos and Melody were more or less keeping their cool, Waddles looked happy to simply be sitting in Mabel’s lap again, but Wendy and Pacifica were very clearly trying to hold themselves back from burying the twins under a mountain of questions.

Dipper was still kind of surprised that Pacifica was one of the two friends that came up to see them. He knew they were getting closer toward the end of the last summer, but still. He would’ve thought that Candy and Grenda would’ve shown up, at least. And Wendy had changed up her look since they’d been gone. She was wearing his letterman over her main shirt, with the sleeves scrunch up just above her elbows. Since she seemed to have grown some since the last summer, the way Wendy wore the jacket made it look kind of like a sporty top. She’d also traded out her green plaid shirt with a red one, probably to better match the letterman. Seeing Wendy without her lumberjack hat was a little weird, but Dipper thought that she made the look work, and he appreciated that she actually wore his too-small jacket-

He was stalling, wasn’t he?

Dipper looked at his sister. “Well?”

“What?” Mabel asked.

“Aren’t you going to tell them?”

“Why me!?”

“Because you’re actually good at talking to people.”

“But you’re the one who’s good at giving bad news!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“ **Guys!** ”

Both twins looked to Wendy, who was having an increasingly difficult time keeping calm.

“What,” the redhead spoke. “The heck. Happened?”

Mabel gave her brother a look, and he sighed.

“Okay, okay,” Dipper relented. “Guess I should start at the beginning… So you remember how we went back home to make an honest effort to help our parents, come what may?”

The collected group nodded.

“ _ Weeeeeeeellll… _ ” Dipper continued. “When we got back we realized it was pretty much too late. We tried. We were ignored. No one listened to us. Not our parents, or anyone else. The whole thing went to court, and…”

Everyone frowned, and Dipper let out a long, tired breath.

“Pretty much everything that could’ve gone wrong, did,” the boy continued. “Dad got laid off just before the trial started, and Mom got an old script she’d been trying to push through accepted. She suddenly had a job, Dad didn’t, so…”

“They  _ didn’t… _ ” Wendy said, not wanting to believe what she knew was coming.

“Full custody,” Dipper confirmed with a grimace.

“How!?!” Wendy exclaimed. “She beat your-! I-I mean…”

Wendy cut herself off, realizing that she didn’t know if anyone else present knew about the twins’ mother. Pacifica looked away, uncomfortable but not surprised. Melody seemed confused for a moment, but after a bit of thinking caught on. The only one that seemed to still be out of the loop was Soos.

Wendy mouthed, “I’m sorry,” to Dipper, but the boy simply shook his head. After everything, he didn’t seem to care anymore.

“No one believed him,” Dipper said with a shrug. “Not when Mom accused  _ him _ of hitting her. Neither had any proof, but I think you can guess who the courts believed. Of course, no one listened to us. Mom’s legal team dismissed us as ‘confused children’. We requested to live with Stan and Ford, but CPS couldn’t get in touch with them.”

“Last I heard Mr. Pines was still with the other Mr. Pines treasure-huntin’, or something,” Soos said.

Dipper nodded. “So no other relatives to go to and ‘ _ a proud mother perfectly fit for raising her kids _ ’ meant we had our home decided for us pretty quick. Mom blasted us for siding with Dad over her. I, uh… had words with her. She got mad and backhanded me, said I was just like Dad. And, well…”

“ **I shoved her face-first into a wall,** ” Mabel grumbled.

Everyone’s eyes widened, both at the admission and from the fact that one of the happiest people they collectively knew had just spoken in a tone that made them fear murder.

“So we had knocked out our psychotic mom that the legal system was convinced was a sweetheart,” Dipper went on. “We did the only thing we could think of and went on the road.”

“You ran away from home?!” Melody asked, seeming horrified.

Dipper gave the woman a weird look, but reminded himself that out of everyone present Melody was the least familiar with them and their lives.

“Wasn’t much of a home,” Dipper said. “By then we’d both realized that it really  _ was _ too late to do anything but get out. I didn’t feel like getting suffocated in my sleep because I reminded Mom too much of Dad.”

The woman looked absolutely appalled by what she was hearing, and Dipper continued.

“Even if we wanted to stay with Dad, we knew they’d find us in a heartbeat if we went to him,” Dipper explained. “There was only one place we really wanted to go, anyway. Problem is, Mom would know we would head up here. So we had to take a bit of a detour. We went southeast for a bit. Got sighted a few times, left a trail for the cops to follow. We lost our tails in Vegas, then looped around until we made it back here.”

“Wait,” Melody interrupted. “How long have you two been on the run?”

Mabel quirked her head in confusion. “Is today Tuesday?”

“That was yesterday, hambone,” Soos said. “It’s Wednesday, my dudes.”

“Oh,” Mabel said with a nod. “Then a little over a month.”

“ **WHAT!?!?!** ” the group exclaimed.

“Ow,” Dipper deadpanned, cleaning out his ear. “Little quieter, please?”

“Seriously!?” Pacifica blurted out. “You’ve been hitchhiking for a month, and you’re telling us to CALM DOWN!?!”

“It wasn’t like that,” Mabel said. “Well, not the whole time, anyway. We hitchhiked a little, but we took taxis too. Stayed in a few motels. We only slept under a couple bridges.”

“ONLY A COUPLE!?!?!” Pacifica cried.

“After the first few we got a tent,” Dipper chimed in. “Was kind of a pain to carry, but it was nice to be able to camp out away from prying eyes. We actually kind of have you to thank for that.”

Pacifica blinked. “Me?”

Mabel nodded. “Dipper saved the money you gave us before we left. We used it for supplies, food, motels, you name it. So, thanks Pacifica. We couldn’t have made it without you.”

Given what they were talking about, Pacifica honestly didn’t know if saying, “You’re welcome,” would be appropriate or not.

“So that’s been our lives,” Dipper concluded. “How have you guys been?”

“Hold on,” Melody said, glaring at the boy. “Aren’t you leaving something out?”

The twins looked at each other, before turning back to the woman. “What do you mean?”

“Uh,” Wendy interjected, “pretty sure she’s talking about your shirt, dude.”

Dipper looked down and saw what they were talking about. His black sleeveless had four large rips in it, evoking images of claws. Through the rips, bandages could be seen with the dark red of dried blood staining them.

The boy hummed. “I actually forgot about that.”

“Bull!” Wendy objected.

“You were lucky,” Melody said. “The cuts were big, but shallow. I was able to patch them up, but you easily could’ve bled out.”

“You did this?” Dipper asked.

“Yeah,” Melody answered with a little bit of pride. “I wanted to be a paramedic once upon a time, so I’m pretty good with- Hey, no! No avoiding the question. What happened?”

Dipper sighed. “Okay, okay. When we got close to the Falls we had a bit of an… encounter with this  _ thing. _ ”

“Big, scary, and sharp claws,” Mabel elaborated. “It shredded our tent. We tried fighting it, but nothing hurt it. It hit Dipper and we ran. We managed to lose it, but Dipper fainted-”

“Lost consciousness due to injury,” Dipper corrected.

“Right, so Dipper fainted,” Mabel continued, earning a glare from her brother, “and I had to carry him the rest of the way.”

Melody shook her head. “It’s always monsters with you people.”

“Preaching to the choir,” Dipper said.

“Okay,” Mabel said. “But now that we told you about our epic adventures, what about you guys? What’ve we missed out on? I mean, Melody’s back, obviously. Are you and Soos still dating? OH! Have you moved into the Shack!?”

Melody instantly went red. “W-Well, y-you know, I work here now, so it’s-”

“You work here too!?” Mabel exclaimed. “That’s amazing! Oh man, I bet Abuelita loves you!”

Everyone but the twins suddenly looked somber.

“Yeah…” Soos said sadly. “Abuelita loved Melody…”

The twins faces fell, suddenly realizing why the doting old woman wasn’t around.

“O-Oh…” Mabel stuttered. “Soos, I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s fine,” Soos said, perking back up a bit.. “Abuelita said she was happy that Melody and I were together, and that was what mattered most to her. Also, I’m  _ preeeeetty _ sure her ghost is haunting the place.”

“We keep finding things that got cleaned or put away on their own,” Melody explained. “It looks like she’s still watching over Soos.”

“Aww,” Mabel said with a smile. “We miss you, Abuelita!”

Everyone nodded, and Dipper could’ve sworn he felt some kind of calming presence as they did.

“Oh, I just realized,” Dipper said as he stood up on his now much more solid legs. “There’s something upstairs I should probably get.”

He walked over to the stairs, and saw the item in question resting at the foot of them. He once again felt the calming presence, and smiled.

Dipper walked back into the living room, and Wendy grinned when she saw him hold her hat.

“Oh, dude!” she exclaimed at the sight. “I’ve missed that thing.”

“Trade you?” Dipper asked, holding the hat out.

Wendy nodded. She untied the letterman from around her waist and handed it over. Dipper smiled as he saw Wendy put her trademark hat back on. Despite thinking he managed to wear it pretty well, there was no doubt in his mind it was back where it belonged. And speaking of clothing items being back with their rightful owners…

Dipper slid his arms into the sleeves of his prized jacket. He popped it back into place over his shoulders, noting with some pride that the pine tree symbol that was apparently a marker of destiny was still in place. The jacket had always been a little big on him, but now it fit him better than ever.

‘ _ It’s good to be back, _ ’ Dipper thought with a grin.

“Hey,” Mabel said. “So, not that you guys being here isn’t great, but where are Candy and Grenda? I wanna see my girlfriends again!”

“Um, about that…” Pacifica spoke up. “Candy’s parents signed her up for a summer-long music camp, and Grenda’s spending the summer with Marius in Austria.”

“Aw, what?!” Mabel complained.

“None of us knew you were coming back,” Pacifica reasoned. “They made other plans.”

Dipper gave the blonde a weird look. “How do  _ you _ know about their plans?”

“Oh!” Pacifica said, a twinge of embarrassment in her voice. “Well, with my family’s new budget restrictions, my parents decided they didn’t want to pay for my old tutors anymore. This past year was my first in public school, and the girls and I kind of… became friends?”

“Paz here had no idea what she was doing,” Wendy corrected with a playful smirk. “Candy and Grenda took pity on her and friended her since no one else wanted to.”

“I told you never to call me that!” Pacifica pouted, blush burning her cheeks.

“That makes more sense,” Dipper said with a snicker.

“Hey!”

“Oh!” Wendy suddenly exclaimed. “Speaking of new frie-”

The redhead’s statement was cut off by a loud crashing noise coming from the gift shop. Stomping steps rang out through the building, and the group heard several display racks being knocked over.

Melody sighed. “... We’re going to have to fix the wall again, aren’t we?”

The gang ran forward and saw something that chilled them all to the bone. A segment of the gift shop’s wall had been smashed apart, and standing in the trashed store was a horrific creature. It was humanoid in build, but couldn’t be considered human under even the loosest terms. It was tall, so much so it had to hunch over just to fit inside. Despite the monster’s height, it was remarkably thin, practically skin and bone. It was wearing an outfit resembling that of a hiker, but the clothes were far too small for it. The shirt and pants were ripped in several places, and covered in dirt and dried blood. Beyond the scraps of clothing remaining on it, the creature’s skin was a decrepit grey. It had matted gray hair hanging down over the top half of its face, the low glow of its yellow eyes managing to pierce its veil of hair. But something the hair couldn’t conceal was its enormous mouth, with long, spindly, and sharp teeth unevenly jutting from its gums, resembling the maw of an anglerfish. But perhaps most disturbing of all were its bare hands and feet. Its fingers and toes bore no nails, but it still had claws, of a sort. Spikes of bone stuck out of the tips of its toes and fingers, piercing its own skin for a set of ever-present claws.

The beast turned to the group of humans, and the twins’ faces fell.

“There you are…” the monster spoke in a garbled, yet oddly composed voice. “The kids… Good to see you both again…”

“K-Kids?” Melody asked, fear evident. “This wouldn’t be that ‘thing’ that attacked you, would it…?”

“Oh man!” Soos exclaimed. “I was so enraptured by our heartfelt reunion that I completely forgot about that!”

“This is becoming a bad habit,” Dipper muttered.

“Ahem…?” the creature mumbled, a whistling noise accompanying its speech through its mess of teeth. “I’m right here, you know… I can hear you… And I am not a ‘thing’…!”

“Then what the heck are you?!” Wendy asked, tensing up in a battle pose.

“Besides butt ugly!” Pacifica countered, trying to hide her terror as best she could.

“Rude…” the monster muttered. “I’m a Wendigo… You probably can’t pronounce my name, so I guess you can just call me Win…”

“Yeah, I’m not going to do that,” Dipper said.

Win let out an annoyed huff. “Fine, whatever… But I guess I should be thanking you and your sister… The smell of tasty weirdness wafting off of you both led me to this wonderful town… So secluded… So full of bizarre creatures and humans to chow down on…”

“Wait, what?” Mabel asked.

“I didn’t mention…?” Win asked. “Wendigos eat humans… Although, with all the other creatures here, I might be able to expand my tastes… Or at the very least let these backwater creatures know who the  _ real  _ top predator is…”

Pacifica looked about ready to scream, and Wendy wasn’t feeling much better. She glanced at the twins, and while they tried to put on a tough front, she could tell they were both still exhausted.

And so, it all fell to her.

Wendy snagged an 8-ball from a shelf and chucked it at the monster. Win caught it, staring at it in confusion, as if he couldn’t believe he had just been attacked. He tossed it aside as Wendy dove past him and behind the cashier counter.

“Wendy, don’t!” Dipper cried, but it was too late.

The redhead shot up over the counter, her trusty axe in hand. Win, not being in any position to defend himself, simply stared as Wendy brought the blade down directly into his shoulder.

Wendy’s triumphant grin quickly morphed into a nervous frown as she saw her axe hadn’t even broken the monster’s skin.

“Honestly…” Win wheezed. “Kids these days are so rude…”

With a lightning fast swipe of his bone-claws, the Wendigo sliced apart the handle of the axe, causing the metal blade to fall uselessly to the ground. Wendy tried to jump away, but Win simply backhanded her with his long arm. The redhead felt pain explode in her chest as she was flung back to the group, Dipper, Mabel, and Soos managing to catch her.

“I was trying to warn you,” Dipper said as he helped set the injured girl down. “His skin is really tough, like kevlar.”

Wendy coughed up some blood and shot the boy a look. “... Thanks for the heads-up…”

“If you’re done…” Win said. “I’d appreciate it if you brats left…”

“Y-You…” Pacifica stammered, “you don’t want to eat us?”

“Of course not…” Win said, almost sounding offended. “I don’t eat kids…”

“Oh?” all of the teens asked.

“Obviously…” Win said with an eyeroll. “You don’t eat food before it’s ripe…”

“ _ Oh… _ ” the gathered teens groaned uneasily.

“And I don’t feel like junk food,” Win said as he looked to Soos, “so you’re out… But  _ you… _ ”

Win rushed forward with blitzing speed. He swept out both of his arms, knocking everyone in the group aside, save for his target.

Melody’s heart raced in terror as Win got right up in her face.

“You are just right…” Win said, a bit of drool beginning to leak through his fangs. “Enough fluff to add flavor, but not so much that it overpowers the taste of everything else… Hair is well kept and not overly corse… You’ve worked up a bit of a sweat, but I can clean you off later…”

“M-Melody!” Soos cried, trying to get up after being thrown across the room.

“You’re annoying…” Win muttered, turning to the large man.

The Wendigo sucked in a breath, and then blew out a cloud of mist. Snowflakes appeared in the cloud as it rushed to Soos. Before he could get out of the way the mist engulfed him, coating every part of him that touched it in a thick layer of ice.

“Soos!” Melody shouted.

“May as well take care of the kids too…” Win mumbled to himself.

The monster turned and aimed his freezing breath directly at the others. Wendy was too beaten up to dodge in time, and was turned to a frozen statue. Pacifica managed to roll out of the way in time to avoid most of the mist, but some of it got her foot. She let out a pained cry as her right foot was encased in ice. Dipper and Mabel both managed to duck out of the way, running out of the hole in the wall Win himself had created.

“C’mon, Pacifica!” Mabel called as she darted out of the building, Waddles close behind.

The youngest of the group all ran out, Pacifica hobbling thanks to her ice-covered foot. The blonde looked to the twins in fear.

“We can’t just leave them back there!” she exclaimed. “Please tell me you have a plan!”

“Working on something…” Dipper muttered, turning back to look at the Shack. “More of a gamble than a plan, really… But it’s the best we’ve got. C’mon!”

 

**_… elihwnaeM…_ **

 

Melody was near the point of tears as the towering Wendigo returned to her, releasing a rancid breath at her.

“Well then…” Win said. “I guess it’s just you and me…”

Melody wanted to run, she really did. Unfortunately for her, she was completely paralyzed by fear. The creature before her looked like something out of her nightmares, and in two seconds had managed to tear through all the people who normally handled the terrifying monsters. She didn’t want to believe the kids abandoned her, but they were still just children. Much as she didn’t want to think about it, Melody was faced with the grim prospect of becoming a Wendigo’s next meal.

“How to prepare you…?” Win asked, pulling back to get a full-body look at his dinner. “All this ice breath has put me in the mood for a frozen treat… Then again, the fat on you  _ would _ taste better cooked… Decisions, deci-”

“Now!”

The Wendigo turned his head just in time to see Mabel in the living room, chucking a ball at him. The “ball” had a lit fuse in it, which caused the object to explode in a bright flash of light and a deafening boom right in front of the monster’s face. Win fell back, covering his aching retina and hissing in at the ringing in his ears. The smell of smoke filled his nose, and for a few moments it felt as though he had been painfully ripped from the world around him.

Melody wasn’t doing much better, the blast having disoriented her as well. She momentarily panicked at the feeling of a firm hand grasping her wrist and pulling her away, before realizing said hand was small and lacked bone claws.

“It’s okay,” the woman heard Mabel say as she pulled her through the house. “Good thing we didn’t use up all those fireworks, huh?”

Win snarled as his vision cleared. “Stupid brats…! Nothing but trouble…!”

Quick as could be, the Wendigo darted on all fours through the giftshop. When he got to the living room, he looked to the side and could smell the faintest whiff of the humans through the smoke in his nose. He charged to the foyer and smashed through the front door, reducing the wooden barrier to mere splinters. A guttural growl emerged from his throat as he saw his two targets.

“ **_You…!_ ** ” Win said with animalistic ferocity.

“Me,” Mabel confirmed. “Also her.”

Before Win could wonder what the girl before him meant, his back became engulfed in pain. He rushed forward and turned around, trying to find what had hurt him. He saw Pacifica with a stick lit on fire, and an aerosol can. She aimed the improvised flamethrower at him and jumped out of the way. Some of his remaining rags of clothing were still lit, but the rest of him was fine and those little flames would go out with a simple-

“Heads up!”

The Wendigo was surprised by Mabel’s cry, and her lobbing another object at her. Not eager to have another explosive go off in his face, Win took a swipe at the object and sliced it to shreds. Unfortunately for him, this object wasn’t another firework.

It was a plastic bottle of cooking oil.

The oil splashed all over Win, and the remaining bits of fire set the liquid ablaze. Win let out an inhuman shriek as he became engulfed in flames. He tried crawling away, but Pacifica came forward and blasted him with her makeshift flamethrower, cutting off his attempted escape. The monster tried swiping at the blonde, but his moves were sluggish and Pacifica avoided the attacks with ease.

Mabel watched with focused determination, ready to jump in if something went wrong. Melody meanwhile watched in stunned silence. She was watching a living creature be burned to death right in front of her. She might have felt disgusted or horrified, if not for the fact said creature had wanted to eat her. Still, the agonized wailing was something she could’ve gone her entire life without hearing.

Pacifica was equally disturbed by the blood-curdling cries coming from her target, and tried drowning them out with screams of her own. With a primal roar, she kept the flames pouring over the roasting monster. Her adrenaline-fueled shouting distracted her from the creature’s pain, and the smell of burnt skin making itself known.

Eventually the spray can ran out of airborne haircare product, and with the onslaught of fire stopped it almost seemed like Win was recovering, despite still being covered head to toe in flames. With another cry that a year ago Pacifica never could’ve imagined she had in her, she swung the flaming end of her stick into the creature’s face. The burning branch broke off, leaving flaming splinters in the monster’s face.

Pacifica backed away as the monster rolled in the grass, flames and screams showing no signs of dying out. While the blonde heiress panted, still brimming with nervous energy from her fight or flight state, Mabel looked on at the grizzly scene. She saw the cuts in the creature’s face, and the blood leaking out and quickly burning in the fire.

Win tried putting out the flames. Rolling on the ground did nothing, and only served to set the surrounding grass ablaze. He tried using his frosty breath, but the mist turned to steam upon touching the flames, unable to counteract the excruciating heat consuming his form. As Win desperately tried coming up with something,  _ anything _ , that could save him, he saw a deadly serious Dipper approach him, shovel in hand.

“That skin of yours is really tough,” the boy said, shovel dragging through the dirt as he walked forward. “Makes hurting you really hard. But I realized, even if it’s really sturdy skin, it’s still essentially human skin. Still flamable. That ice breath just convinced me even more that fire had to be a Wendigo’s kryptonite. Looks like I guessed right.”

Win snarled as best he could, beyond words by that point. The pain he was experiencing was so intense it completely blocked out his ability for rational or intelligent thought.

Dipper sighed, disappointed. “I don’t even get to rub the win in your smug face. Whatever.”

With a sickening crack, Dipper brought the shovel down on the monster’s head. Mabel was to only bystander who could stomach looking as Dipper smashed the spade into the roasting abomination’s head over and over and over again.

After the fifth strike the screaming stopped.

After the twelfth the twitching stopped.

After the twenty-first the Wendigo’s entire body crumbled into ash and blew away into the night, leaving nothing behind but a few odd patches of flaming grass.

Dipper stuck the shovel in the dirt and leaned on it, panting heavily. Mabel let out a sigh of relief, and Melody shivered.

“Is it over…?” the woman asked, slowly peeking an eye out from behind her hands.

“Yeah,” Mabel said, giving her a light pat on the arm. “You okay there?”

“U-Uh huh…” Melody said, incredibly shaken by what she’d just experienced. “F-For a… for a second there I thought I was going to-”

The woman was cut off by Pacifica suddenly throwing up, unable to hold back her disgust any longer.

Melody quickly followed suit, hurling up the meager contents of her stomach on the grass before her. Mabel jumped out of the way, careful not to get any of the bile on her already filthy shoes. She settled behind the older woman, and gently patted her on the back.

“Sympathy vomiter, huh?” Mabel asked. “It’s okay, it’s okay… Hey Pacifica, you alright?!”

The blonde’s only response was a miserable groan.

After giving the two sick-to-their-stomach girls some time to recover, Melody looked to the twins. These thirteen year old children had crossed multiple state lines while evading the law, in order to escape from their abusive mother, and had managed to kill a horrific monster while they were both physically exhausted. She had seen them in action against the pizza robots, and had heard the stories from Soos and Wendy, but only then did she really begin to appreciate just how impressive the kids wer-

“Ohmygosh!” Melody suddenly exclaimed, ignoring the acidic taste in her mouth. “Soos! Wendy!”

“Oh, right,” Mabel said. “They’re still frozen. It’s okay though, all we have to do is melt the ice with…”

The girl trailed off as she looked to the discarded spray bottle, remembering it was empty.

Mabel turned back to Melody and gave a hesitantly hopeful smile. “You, uh… wouldn’t happen to have more hairspray, would you?”

 

**_… retaL, retfa lareves snac fo yarpsriah…_ **

 

“Th-Th-Th-Thanks-s-s gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-guys…” Soos stuttered as he wrapped himself in a blanket.

Wendy nodded as Mabel handed her a blanket of her own, her teeth chattering too much to properly form words.

“Here, you two,” Melody said as she walked into the living room with two mugs of hot chocolate. “Drink up.”

Both of the recently unfrozen people simply nodded as they sat down on the couch and nursed their warm drinks. Pacifica shook her now unfrozen foot out, trying to get past the pins and needles stage as she slowly regained feeling in it. Waddles walked up and began licking the top of her foot, as if that would somehow help. The blonde smiled, appreciating the gesture.

Dipper leaned against a wall as he looked at his recovering friends. Not one week back and they already had a near-death experience. And it was all because the twins led a Wendigo back to the Falls. So Soos and Wendy almost becoming popsicles was entirely their fault.

Dipper sighed. “Look guys, we’re sorry we brought all this with us-”

“D-D-D-D-D-Don’t-t ev-v-v-v-ven st-start, m-m-m-man,” Wendy chattered, trying to get her teeth under control. “Y-Y-Y-Y-You’re ou-our fr-fr-fri-friends, a-a-and…”

The redhead let out a frustrated and shaky groan as she took a long swig of her hot chocolate.

“I think what she’s trying to say,” Pacifica interjected as she rubbed her foot, “is we’re all pretty much used to this by now. We’re your friends, and we aren’t going to leave you to deal with this stuff after all the things you helped us through. Even if I’m  _ definitely _ going to need therapy after tonight.”

Wendy and Soos both nodded in agreement, before going back to trying to warm up. The twins looked at their thawing friends, before turning to the only grown woman present. Melody saw the stares aimed at her, and let out a tired sigh.

“Look,” the woman said, “today was horrifying. And disturbing. And I am definitely going to be having nightmares for weeks. But you kids saved me. It isn’t your fault some monster decided to hunt you. And there’s no way I’m going to make you go back home, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

The twins looked relieved at the news, both visibly relaxing.

“Oh, and uh…” Mabel said bashfully, “sorry about the wall…”

Melody laughed. “Oh please, I can’t even count the number of times we’ve had to fix that up thanks to Wendy and her friend. We’re used to it.”

Dipper looked at the redhead, intrigued by the comment. “What have you and the guys been doing while we were gone?”

“Well…” Wendy trailed off, looking away awkwardly.

“Hey,” Pacifica spoke up. “So I just had a thought. You guys are technically still on the run from the law, right?”

Mabel tilted her head in thought. “Yeah, I guess so. Why?”

“Eventually the police are going to figure out you probably came back here,” Pacifica said. “What happens if someone comes looking for you up here?”

“Good point…” Dipper said, thinking over the matter. “Can’t stay with any of our friends, that’d probably be to obvious… Oh, of course. We can stay in Ford’s lab.”

“The lab?” Melody asked. “Soos showed me around down there a few times, and it didn’t really seem like a comfy place to stay.”

“Bridges and woods, remember?” Dipper asked.

“Ooooh…” Melody said. “Yeah, I uh, guess you two could probably manage.”

“We should try to get in touch with Stan and Ford as soon as we can,” Dipper added. “Let them know what’s going on. I don’t know if we could officially get to stay with them, but it’s worth a shot.”

“Right,” Melody said, before getting a weirded out look on her face. “I’m harboring two fugitive children. I can’t believe it.”

“I can’t believe we’re all at the point where fighting a Wendi-whatever is the most normal part of our day,” Mabel said cheerily, before noting the several sour expressions she received. “What? Too soon?”

Various complaints were aimed at Mabel. Comments about emotional scarring, still not being able to feel toes, and jokes being in poor taste while the Shack still had a hole in it. It was a weird conclusion to a weird, messed up day. And as weird and messed up as it was, the twins wouldn’t have had it any other way. They were finally back where they belonged, with their friends, their family. Even if a few members were missing for the moment. The rest of the night turned to telling jokes old and new, stories being exchanged, and in general a feeling that despite the life-threatening events from mere hours before, everything was just as it should be.

Of course, not a member of the group was aware of a hooded figure hidden in the woods, eyes having been trained on the Shack the entire day. With a brief flash of light the hooded person vanished, leaving his unknowing subjects alone, for the moment.

Things were at long last falling into place.

 

**3-14-7-0   17-15-20-10  21-12   22-11-24-25-21-20   3-21-1-18-10   0-7-25-0-11   0-14-11   8-11-25-0?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... What's this? A new chapter? We're doing this? We're doing this!
> 
> Hello everyone, and welcome back to Fighting in the Falls! We have a new chapter, and IT'S OUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!
> 
> (fanfare intensifies)
> 
> That's right! One year ago today I uploaded the first ever chapter of Fighting in the Falls. Feels like longer. I figured this would be as good a celebration as any. Also, thank you all so, so much for bringing this story to 200 Kudos. It makes me so happy that so many people love this story, and I hope I can keep bringing you what you-
> 
> What's that?
> 
> We're at 201 now?
> 
> I mean, that's great! More Kudos is always great! That's one more person that's enjoying the story! How could anyone have a problem with this...?
> 
> (OCD intensifies)
> 
> ... I'm fine.
> 
> But anyway, this chapter, huh? This is the start of the post-Weirdmageddon part of the story I've been hyping up so much. We've got Melody! New monster! 40% more Waddles! Aaaaaaand 100% percent less Candy and Grenda.
> 
> Yeah, I'll be honest, I'm not really a fan of those two. They're basically one-note joke characters, and they don't do much for the story. I mean, they aren't even on the Zodiac. ROBBIE is on the Zodiac. That's how you know you're a useless character, when Robbie is more plot important than you. I'm already going to be juggling quite a few things, so I opted to thin out the main cast a bit. Sorry if you were looking forward to more of them.
> 
> But what about the new monster, huh? So Win actually went through a bit of a character redesign as I was writing this. Initially he was written as this borderline snobby foodie, but I decided that wouldn't really work well. So I rewrote him as a more laid back personality. Though he still has some of the animalistic qualities. Also the spell check is trying to make me correct "animalistic" to "cannibalistic".
> 
> I find this way funnier than I should.
> 
> When thinking of new monsters I could use in a Gravity Falls setting, a Wendigo was one of the first ideas I came up with. Win went out pretty quick here, but who knows? This might not be the last of the Wendigos in the story. Anyone who has played Until Dawn can probably guess what I'm talking about.
> 
> But with that, I think that's about everything. The twins are back, the Stans are not, and the Pines parents are still terrible. I think my work is done for today. I hope you all enjoyed this first step into new territory for this story. Feel free to leave any likes, dislikes, and questions you have in the comments. This will be really important going forward, so I welcome any and all feedback.
> 
> Thank you all for reading, and have a great day.
> 
>  
> 
> ... Oh, also RIP Abuelita.


	38. What Day Is It?

Dipper rested on the couch. It had been a long day of doing some kind awesome adventure, but at that moment he didn't care much for reminiscing. He was exhausted, and just wanted to rest watching a marathon of mindless television. So there he sat, relaxing on the couch with Mabel.

"Hey?" his sister asked. "You even wanna, like... do stuff?"

"No," Dipper said. "Never again."

"But like," Mabel went on, "we're living in a magic town. Hiding from the police. There's probably some looming threat that could make a pretty fun adventure."

"I mean, yeah," Dipper said with a shrug. "But we're used to all that stuff already. We need something... new. Things right now are just... kinda boring."

"I guess so," Mabel hummed. "We need something new to fight. A lot of new somethings to fight. And new places to fight them in. Maybe some wild and wacky weapons to use?"

"That would be cool," Dipper nodded.

"Hey guys?" Melody said as she walked into the room. "We may have a problem. You know how no one is supposed to know you're here?"

"Kind of an important part of hiding out," Dipper agreed. "Why?"

"Well, I just checked the mail," Melody said. "And there was a letter. For Dipper."

This got both the twins' attention. Melody handed the boy the envelope. It was plain white, with no return address or even a stamp. They were confused, until they turned it around and saw the red seal on it.

"Wait a minute..." Dipper said. "Is this serious-?"

"Open it!" Mabel said, suddenly excited. "Open it, open it, open it!"

Dipper did just that, ripping the seal off. He pulled out the letter, and eyes widened as he saw what was written on it.

"'Dear skilled warrior,'" Dipper read aloud, "'your talent has been recognized and marketability deemed as acceptable. We are honored to invite you to participate in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate!?!?!'"

"WHAT!?!?!" Mabel and Melody both exclaimed.

"'Great honor...'" Dipper went on, skimming the message. "'Possible sponsorships... Waivers mandatory... RSVP immediately!?!?!'"

"Immediately?" Melody asked.

"Immediately!" Mabel cheered.

"Address is here and everything!" Dipper said. "Bus fare, plane tickets!"

"Well, what are you waiting for?!" Mabel asked. "Go, go! You can still catch the last bus out of town! Hey Melody, is there one for me?"

"Uh, no..." Melody said, sadly. "Sorry, Mabel."

The girl frowned, but followed her brother outside as he rushed to the bus stop. As they arrived, they saw a stranger there. He was tall, lanky, and wore a purple hat and shirt with overalls. Mabel recognized him immediately, and saw something even more surprising in his hand. The historically snubbed fighter held an invitation just like Dipper's, and he seemed eager.

A light bulb lit in Mabel's head.

The purple-clad man rocked happily on his heels, excited that he'd finally received an invite. His happy mood was quickly ruined by a large rock suddenly being brought down on his skull.

"WAH!!!" he exclaimed before crashing to the ground, out cold.

Dipper watched as Mabel tossed the rock aside, bent down, and swiped the invitation from her victim's hand. She looked up at her brother, pouting at the look he was giving her.

"What?" she asked. "If he gets taken out that easily then he doesn't belong in a fighting game for the best of the best. Besides, it's not like anyone will miss him."

Dipper shrugged. "I guess."

With that, the twins caught a bus out of town and went to participate in the new Smash Bros. They were immediate fan-favorites, with Mabel actually being top-tier until the first balance patch nerfed her into oblivion. Despite this, both were incredibly popular, and were invited back to all subsequent Smash Bros. games. They never returned to Gravity Falls, and any adventures they could've had never came to fruition.

The End.

Seriously.

I'm never writing another chapter again.

No kidding.

 

**7-22-24-15-18   12-21-21-18'-25!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Is it over? The day has passed? Alright.
> 
> Well, if it wasn't obvious already, this was not a real chapter. What can I say, I love April Fool's Day. Kind of. On YouTube, April Fool's Day is the day where you can expect all of your favorite content creators to churn out low-effort pseudo-pranks that are funny the first few times, but start getting old when your inbox is filled with nothing but them for an entire day. I saw that and figured, "I gotta get in on that!" And so this chapter exists. You're welcome, and I'm sorry.
> 
> For something more fun, what was the best April Fool's prank you've ever seen? What was the best one you've ever pulled? I'd like to hear, both because pranks are hilarious, and also because I need ideas for next year.
> 
> Anyway, with this bit of fun out of the way, I'll get back to writing the next real chapter. Hopefully I can get it done before finals season starts up, but that might not work out. We'll see.


End file.
